Archer s02e13 Episode Script

Sterling Archer.
The world's most dangerous spy - Oh, I don't know about all that - No? Well, do you know that I fell in love the moment I saw you? Really? With who? - You silly man, who do you think? - Well I dunno, - there were a lot of guys there - Not when I was finished Oh, then it was just me.
And you Me and you I like the way that sounds.
Me too.
Me, and you, and -- Aaagh! Hellooo What, in the name of pre-paid venereal disease, do you think you're doing?! I, uh -- Darling, I know she is old, but you allow such talk from your secretary? - His what? - No, she's not my, um Katya, this is actually my mother - Boz moy! - And mother, this is Katya Kazanova.
She saved my life in Moscow, she's former KGB, she wants to defect and become an ISIS agent, uh, she's -- Mortified! I beg your forgiveness! I'm sure you do.
And don't you want to freshen up - after your long ride? - Phrasing, mother! Sorry, Katya, - It's fine darling, please excuse me.
- Check the break room, maybe you'll get lucky and find some wet-naps! And you.
- Go see Krieger this instant.
- Wh-? I don't need a doctor, mother, - Katya doesn't have VD! - You haven't had sex with her? Ha ha.
For your -- - That was pretty good.
- I want Krieger to X-ray that tiny brain of yours, because obviously the Russians put another chip in it! Wh-? No they didn't! Well then you're as dumb as you are stupid, because best case scenario, that Russian tramp wants to con you into marriage for a green card, and -- - Ha! - Oh for -- Why doesn't everybody just come in here?! It's O.
K.
, we can hear from out here! With our earballs! And I don't think you need to worry about Archer ever getting married.
- Hey ya know what? - Well I'm sure he will, - if he ever meets the right girl, but -- - Wh-? ! What was I, - the wrong one?! - Oh, you know what I mean.
- Do I? - Doesn't matter, because worst case, that woman - is a KGB double agent! - Mother, she saved my life! She's not a -- Oh, yeah okay, I see what's happening here You're both jealous! - What?! - What?! It's understandable from you, Lana -- - But from you, mother, kinda creepy.
- First of all -- - I think it's a little weird -- - Right? That a KGB agent wants to come over to ISIS, right when Krieger's finishing his top-secret project.
Wh-? ! She killed like, ten Russians to save my life! So trust me, she's not interested in Krieger's project! No, trust me, I am wery interested Well, I probably shouldn't show you this, buuuuuut, I'm totally going to.
- Bozhe moy! - Right? Almost as cool as my van - Dr.
Krieger, this is amazing! - Oh, I don't know about all that But this technology could forever alter the balance of world power! If you're into power, let's go down to my van, because "red barchetta" through a ten gigawatt pre-amp is -- Wait, - please tell me you're into rush.
- Oh, the only "rush" I know is my love - for your comrade, Sterling Archer.
- Womp womp But surely, a brilliant scientist like you? How is it you are single? Eh, I almost got married once.
Church, reception, - I had it all lined up - Really Yeah, but -- Kreega-San My cherry blossomsare wilting But "society" couldn't deal with it.
Katya's not trying to con me into marriage! I mean, she did move in with me, but -- - What?! - She's living with you?! Mmmwhich is funny why? Mmmbecause if I recall, you have kind of a problem sharing your space? - Lanaaa! What are you doing?! - Brushing my teeth! - In the sink?! - Where should I do it, in the toilet?! - I mean - Ughhhh! Well whatever and shut up, and if you don't make Katya an ISIS agent, mother, I'll - I will quit ISIS! - Here, drink this, you're talking crazy.
No thanks, I promised Katya I'd quit drinking.
Speaking of, where is she? - No words.
My words have failed me.
- Well then shut up.
- So? What do you think? - Oh sorry, I thought you said shut up.
And yet you talk.
But I'll just bet Nikolai Jakov is so jealous of my - ahem - friendship with Len Trexler, that he planned this whole thing Of course I did nut plan the traitor Kazanova's defection! But I hed to tell the party chermen it was part of my mester genius plen! Because the traitor Kazanova knows too much - More like lemon party chermen - So I must ensure she never tells the west what she knows, or I will get -- Egg on your face.
- Bah! More like bullet in my bren! - No, you heff ektual egg on your face.
- Wh-? ! Bah! - Is why party chermen kept doing this.
- I hope.
- Shut up, idiot, and help me think! Dun't worry, I hev ektual genius plen to sulve Kazanova problem.
- Wh-? Well what it is?! - If I tell you all et once your head might explode.
Along with combover.
Katya? Baby, you in there? Katya! Rrgh! She's not in here, dumbass! And this deuce ain't gonna drop itself! Ugh, you realize I can never unhear that sentence, Pam.
And why're you crying? Cause I got ripped in a bar last night, and I was tryna beat my record for crammin pool balls in my mouth when some a-hole slaps me on the back, and -- - No.
You swallowed a pool ball?! - I wish just one.
And I still got two to go, so if ya don't mind?! Wait, Pam I had Damn, what was it? Something about "stripes and solids"? Speaking of, would you describe your relationship with Katya as solid, or -- You know what's solid? This wall.
Yeah, so's the floor, my fist, - uh ooh! Cyril! The butt of my gun? - Okay.
I get it - Do you? - Oh yes, believe me doctor, this is all very interesting information - Yeah, it totally is.
- What the hell is going on in here?! My God, Krieger, why not just give her the project on a floppy disk?! It's way too big for that.
- No, I just wanted -- - A green card?! Or a big parade in Red Square when you come back to Moscow with our top secret project! What the hell?! - Darling, I wasn't doing anything, I -- - For God's sake, Lana have some pride once in your life! Look, I know it just kills you - that I'm in love with Katya -- - First of all -- Especially since you and I had sex very recently - when I had cancer! - What? ! - What?! It's okay, it was just cancer sex.
But it's over, Lana, get on with your life! And let me get on with mine! Well at least you got some closure.
Which is more than I ever got Oh you are just your mother all over! Darling please, - I just want to leave - No, Katya, don't you see? That's exactly what mother wants! - So you can you hack into the KGB servers? - Pff! - Does one ring rule them all? - One ring? No, don't engage him, from there it's all just orcs and gollums and balrogs.
Okay, pull up Katya's KGB personnel file.
- But darling, I -- - Hush, it'll show you've been disavowed by the KGB, and then mother will -- Yes, gasp, because she'll be so confused? Katya, what's?! No Katya, wait! Katyaaa! How long until mother sees this?! - O.
K.
Ow, and that kind of depends.
- Oh, shit! - Wait'll everybody sees this! - Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Penetrate deep, destroy from within.
Oh shit.
So, you fake Kazanova's file, those fools et ISIS hack into it - End then we begin phase three.
- Wait, what is phase two? - Phase two is I want a promotion.
- Damn those KGB pigs! Faking my file so that everyone here thinks I am -- A double agent! - Darling I swear, it's a fake! - Just what a double agent would say.
Stay back! Darling, don't make me -- I'm kidding! Baby c'mon, relax.
Although, that is probably what you'd say - if you were a double agent - I'm not! - How can I prove to you?! - You don't have to.
Look at me.
- Even if you were I wouldn't care.
- Really? Yes, really.
Katya, I love you.
But you're not though, right? - No! - Awesome.
And once we explain it all to mother, I'm sure she'll say -- - Shoot her! - Wh-?! Katya! On your knees, hands behind your head, and toss out the weapon! - Although not in that order! - Not in any order! Mother, this is all just a huge misunderstanding! - I am not a double agent! - Just what a double agent would say -- We've covered that! Mother listen -- - Lana shoot her! That is an order! - Sorry, Archer - Lana no! - Sorry, darling Wait, no no no no -- - Holy shit - I'm sorry I had to do that, darling, please don't hate me! Are you kidding?! I've never been this turned on in my entire life! - That little bitch - Don't worry, she won't get far.
I'm locking ISIS down, top to bottom! It's pound pound six pound five two.
Duh! Pound, pound, six -- - You're, hitting, star.
- Security system offline.
- Damn it.
Oh okay, here we go -- - Restarting, in -- - Ten, minutes.
- Damn it! I bet mother was hitting star again! But darling, where will we go? Anywhere but there.
Because as sexy as it was, - shooting at Lana -- - Just her weapons! Believe me, - if I wanted to hit her, I could have.
- Well yeah, she's huge.
What about helping me escape?! What if they think you are double agent?! C'mon, they think I'm a lot of - really shitty things, but - But he's not a double agent! - Are you retarded? - Well he's an idiot and a shitbird.
- Well then how do you explain this? - Bad parenting.
That was taken outside the parking garage not five minutes ago! - After Slutya Slutsakova did this! - After? Why didn't you lock down the building?! Security system restarting, in five -- You were hitting star again? Zip it, you two! Because it kills me to say this, but Sterling's obviously been flipped by that Russian whore, so we have to treat them both As double agents.
For God's sake, woman, are you hearing yourself? - He's your son, not a -- - Ray, she got him to quit drinking.
So what's the plan? Sterling will go to ground, but he'll need to pick up his bug-out bag, so -- Woodhouse? Listen very carefully - God damn, Woodhouse, are you deaf? - A bit, yes, but I'm afraid I know nothing about this -- What was it? My bug-out bag! It was right here! It's a calfskin Hermès grip, and it's full of fake passports and mustaches, uh, oh! - And two hundred grand in cash! - And - Calfskin, you said? - Woodhouse, do you like to travel? Because if you don't find that bag I will empty the entire contents of your body and - use your leathery skin as a replacement! - I shall check my sewing room! - Wait, his what? - But even with money and passports -- - And mustaches -- - Where will we go?! If ISIS thinks that you are a double agent we can't stay here, and if we go back to Russia Russia? Look, no offense, but standing in line for beets and toilet paper isn't my idea of a good time.
Oh, is not so bad, you take a crossword, catch up with your neighbors Neighbors, that's it! We'll go to Canada and work for the -- Wait, does Canada even have a spy agency? - Yes, but -- - Why? It's Canada.
-- Don't you see? Wherever we go, someone will always be hunting us! So let 'em hunt! Katya, we're the two best secret agents in the world! So nyet promotion, because you still hev nut sulved my Kazanova problyem! - Hang on, hesty pudding - Pitch is out, I can't hold altitude! - What?! - I can't hold it, she's breaking up! Barry Dylan, ODIN agent.
A man barely alive.
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man.
Barry Dylan will be that man.
Better then he was before.
Better.
Stronger.
Faster.
Bozhe moy! This is amazink! Ken we ektually create such a think?! Can and did! I greenlit the project way back.
- So, about that promotion -- - I wunt to see this, this Bionik Barry! Well, then you'd better pack a bag And what brings you to New York, Mr.
Berg? Business or pleasure? - Oh, pleasure.
Definitely pleasure.
- All righty.
- Welcome to the United States.
- Thanks.
Or shalom or whatever it is we say.
Because I'm one step ahead of you.
Like always.
And we'll always be one step ahead of them.
No matter who's hunting us.
Even if it's, oh, I don't know, a criminally insane cyborg.
So, er, comrade Bionik Barry.
Ken you sulve my Kazanova problyem? Yeah, probably If I knew and/or cared who and/or what that was.
But since I don't and/or do not, I am going to kill and/or murder Sterling Archer.
Wh-? ! No, no! - Archer may be my son! - Well, too bad.
You've sown the wind, and now you shall reap The Barry.
I said don't take the bridge, dickhead! - Hail Mary mother of -- - Reset the f'in meter! Oh God! Actually, you know what? Let's uh, let's put a pin in that promotion.
- Darling, please! Forget the bag! - We need it, and hey, what about this? Canada's got casinos, right? But they could be here any minute! Who, ISIS? Baby c'mon, remember who we're dealing with here Here we are! I swear, if anyone saw me in this awful van.
How could they, with this illegalass window tint? Dude, this van's like rolling probable cause.
So all ashore from the S.
S.
date rape! Toot toot.
I'm serious, Woodhouse, either find that bag or a magic marker, so we can draw where the zippers are gonna go on your -- body.
Afraid I haven't seen a magic marker either, sir.
- Bit of a mess in here - Was this -- my billiard room?! At one time, yes, but I needed a place to sew your suits, you see, so -- - Sir? - It doesn't matter, Woodhouse, I'm leaving, go nuts.
Hang a bunch of - Georgia O'Keeffe posters.
- But sir, you can't leave.
- Your mother -- - Can also hang.
Woodhouse, for the first time in my life, I am in love.
And nobody, especially mother, is going to ruin that for me.
You're -- you're serious, aren't you? Woodhouse, I quit drinking for her.
Ahh.
Just that one.
I'm scared if I stop all at once the cumulative hangover will literally kill me.
Well, if you truly love Ms.
Kazanova - I'd like for you to have this.
- Whoa.
Wait, is that -- - No, I guess it wouldn't be mother's - No sir, - it was her mother's.
- Bub? Darling, we really must go! Hang on, just uh, doing something - Please don't make him into a suitcase! - I'm not! But Woodhouse, I need my -- Did you have that the whole time? - Yes sir.
- Well then goodbye, Woodhouse, and oh, you're fired.
Er, technically your mother is my employer, so -- Really? Who do you think's been paying my salary all these years? I just thought you were -- Well, slave's not the right word, but -- Really? - Mother pays you? - Yes sir, and -- - Sterling, dear! - Wh-?! She also has her own key.
If you come out to the living room, I have a surprise for you! That's the exact same thing she said when I was five, and I spilled grape tang on her stupid flokati rug.
What was the surprise? Apparently how bad a ping-pong paddle hurts on a tiny bare ass.
And so - But darling Are you sure? - Yeah it hurt like crazy.
- No, about this! About us.
- Katya, I swear to you, - I've never been more sure about anything.
- Then I am with you.
- All the way.
- Okay but no shots center-mass, - just try to wing 'em.
Oh, and Woodhouse? - Yes sir? Totally being sarcastic about the Georgia O'Keeffe posters.
Do not do that.
Okay Coming motheerrrrrrr! - Shit, I'm out! - I am also out! Uh, actually so am I - Dukes, me too.
- Me too.
Seriously? Is anybody hit? - Uh, no.
- Huh.
Not really the explosive climax I thought it was gonna be Is nobody gonna touch that, seriously? Not just yet.
Because I lied.
I still have one in the chamber, and it's got your name on it, missy.
Mother no! Look, I know you're having a -- really disturbingly hard time with this, but - I am in love with Katya! - Damn it Sterling, - she's a double agent! - I swear to you I am not! The KGB faked her file, mother.
- Oh, whatever! Although - Yeah it's the first thing they'd do.
That's like, counterintelligence 101.
But then -- why was she taking notes about Krieger's secret project?! Ooh, sorry.
I knew I forgot to mention something - And it was this.
- Uh Darling, I told you that I fell in love with you when we first met, butI am afraid that was a lie.
- Called it! - I fell in love with you long ago Because this man, Sterling Archer is Russia's most dangerous enemy! And heis the man I will marry.
- So all this time, you wanted -- - To marry you! So when Dr.
Krieger told me he already paid deposits with florist, and caterer, - and that his wedding will never happen, I -- - Kreega-San, you promised -- We will talk about it, in the van! Well, since it sounds like I don't have to help with the wedding plans - Katya? Will you marry me? - Bozhe moy! Da! Da! - A thousand times da! - Awesome.
I thought I'd be dead long before this day ever came.
- Actually, hoped.
- Oh shut up.
- You old sour puss.
- Because this day has come, mother! - We can get married right here! - Really? Well, not here here.
On the terrace.
Thank you all so much for coming! Oh, and I just love your hair! Well, I hate it I look like a whore.
And you made it all so beautiful, Woodhouse! Thank you, thank you.
Don't thank him, it sets a bad precedent.
And plus we still need a priest, so -- How bout a disgraced former minister? - What the shit?! - Long story, kinda boring, but I am still licensed by the state to perform marriages the irony of which is not lost on me.
Yeah, ya wanna know what's really ironic? - Barry! - Yes, Barry, hi, and what's ironic, is Archer, besides sodomizing my fiancée -- - What? - Only by the strictest legal definition.
Threw me off a roof! Twice! Dropped, Barry, and how are you not dead?! Because the Russians, turned me into The unholy abomination of metal fused with flesh which now stands before you! They have this technology?! Eight years on my secret project! Wasted! Yeah, so back to the irony, now I'm going to throw you off the roof! - Wow Barry, you're like, super-strong.
- Yeah, did I mention I was a cyborg? Yeah you did, can somebody shoot him?! - Dukes! - Archer, we're out of ammo! Well I'm not! And if anyone's going to ruin my son's weddingIt'll be me.
What part of "I'm a cyborg" are you people still not getting, exactly? Core concept? I guess? But -- no no wait, Katya nooo! - Yes! I will save you, darling! - No no no don't -- - Katyaaa! - Archerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I love yoooooooooooou! Nooooooo! Yesss! One-for-three off the roof, bitch! Oh Katya, no-ho-ho-haaaaaaaagh! Waaaaaagh-hah-hah-haaaaaaaghhh! Why the hell Why the hell are you crying?! That was my van