Archer s02e14 Episode Script

Heart of Archness (1)

Agent Sterling Archer, codename Duchess.
Licensed to kill.
Primary skills: covert operations.
Unarmed combat.
Firearms.
Explosives.
Asset acquisition.
Enemy agent disposal.
Current status: missing.
For three months! Sterling's been missing for three months and you idiots have nothing! Well name-calling's not gonna get us -- Anywhere.
Which is where Archer could be.
Malory, we've checked every safe house, run down every lead And he hasn't touched any of his bank accounts, so unless he oh.
Were you gonna say "unless he's been skimming tons of cash from his operations accounts all these years"? Yeah, duh, right? Wh-? He wouldn't dare steal from me! Oh please, we all -- think he would dare to do that.
So we've got a g highly-ih skilled covert agent, who probably has millions of dollars in cash Who doesn't want to be found.
Being looked for by people who don't want to find him! What does that mean? Oh, don't give me that! You're all secretly delighted that he's gone! - I wouldn't say delighted, but - I cannot say I miss the bullying.
Me neither.
Plus ISIS actually turned a profit this quarter.
Be that as it -- no, never mind! Because since you've all been half-assedly phoning it in -- Malory, he can't! Be found! - I mean, if he's even stillum - Still what.
Aliiive.
Jeezow, talk about duh.
I bet he totally already killed himself.
No he didn't! Because my skeevy Russian fiancée wasn't murdered in front of my very eyeballs at my stupid wedding! Noooooooooooooooooooo! Kaaatyaaa! Noooo ho ho wah ha haaa! Woooooh! How's it feel, Archer?! Now both our weddings are canceled! Baarryyyyyyy! Is that how you crash a wedding? - Yes it is, Bionic Barry, yes it is - No! No matter how distraught Sterling is over Katya, he won't kill himself.
He'd never do that to me.
He's alive, somewhere, and since you fools can't find him I called in someone who can.
Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
Manhunter? - Now if that is the pot calling the kettle black - Oh Rip, you old so-and-so! How are you, Malory? Besides gorgeous? Oh I'm not, I'm a mess! I'm worried half to death about Sterling, and -- Well, don't be.
I tracked him down.
Already?! Wh-? How?! Uh, this new thing called intelligence gathering? Anyhoo, he's on a little island called Wapuni in French Polynesia -- - With his millions in caaaash - Tending bar.
Or nooooot.
So I'll pick him up tonight, then say, three days back to New York, - so if you're not busy Friday night - I'll book us our old booth at 21.
Outstanding.
Riley out.
What a hunk! Total sploosh.
Actually yeah, gotta give him the sploosh.
And, whatever my equivalent of sploosh is, which, I guess is just sploosh.
Only with semen.
Oh my God, I can't believe I just did that You know, I'm not like that -- No, hey c'mon, don't do that Don't ruin your post-coital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
How is it misplaced, I'm on my honeymoo-hooon! Well at least you got a honeymoon! My fiancée was murdered! - Wait, what? - Yeah! Oh! And you married an idiot! Who plays thirty-six holes of golf on the first day of his honeymoon? Because not to, whatever, but that cannot bode well for your marriage.
Get the hell out, you piece of shit! Seriously, I hope she didn't sign a pre-nup, because -- Oh my God! Hey so, what happened was, somebody ordered room service, but the regular room service guy, uh, he died, so I came in here and fell on the bed -- Wait, you're not her husband.
And you're not one of my dick bosses, so can I help you, or? Yes, you can quickly and quietly walk down to the dock and board my seaplane.
Okay A, rhetorical, and B, your what? Seaplane? Looks like an airplane had a baby with a boat? I know what a seaplane is, idiot! And yet you're surprisingly unclear on the phrase "quickly and quietly.
" And even more unclear on who you are? Name's Rip Riley.
Your mother hired me to bring you back, Sterling.
She what?! I mean who?! I'm Randy! See? So you can just go back to that other guy's mother and tell her that even if you did find that other guy, he's never coming back to ISIS! Wait, did you say ISIS, or? How did ISIS suddenly get in the mix, is what I'm asking.
And I'm asking you, for the last time, to get on that plane.
Ya wanna try and make me? No, I don't.
And I promise -- you don't want that either.
Hey, so listen I think we got off on the wrong foot? But I'm willing to, ya know, let bygones be gone by the wayside Good to know But I'm there yet.
Well, give it some time.
Speaking of, how long is this stupid flight? - Eh, about forty hours in the air - Hooray But I have to island-hop to re-fuel.
Old Lucy Goosey here only has a range of about a thousand nautical miles.
Making it wildly impractical, got it.
This plane is totally practical! Maybe for this ridiculous image you're trying - to cultivate for yourself - What image? Sky Captain of Yesteryeeear! At least I'm not sky captain of I ran away from home, I didn't run away from home! I'm a grown man! Whose fiancée was murdered in front of his very eyes! So excuse me for needing some time to grieve! By tending bar and banging newlyweds? Apparently that's my grieving process! And also I need to use the bathroom! A, it's called the head.
And B, no.
Pee in your pants.
Yeah, wrong number.
And I've literally had nothing but liquor and mangoes for three months, so unless you wanna fly a thousand nautical miles sitting next to that Okay, I'm setting the auto-pilot.
But this better not be a ruse.
A ruse? Brrring! Brrring! Hello? Hi, it's the 1930's, can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back? Let's go, kid.
Call ya back, 1930's! And hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler! He's a bad egg! No, one pedal fills it with water -- I did that! And the other pedal flushes it! No, it doesn't! Ugh, you come try, I gotta choke down this gag reflex.
Yeah, ha ha! Quit being a dick for five seconds and unlock the door! It doesn't have a lock! Dammit, I'm gonna puke and there's no room in the toilet or the sink! What the hell'd you put in the sink?! A ruse! You big dumb idiot.
And also a bunch of shaving cream and toilet paper.
Just because.
And where does Malory get off implying we didn't try our best to find Archer? No, she straight up said it.
What she implied was that we're jealous of Archer, and that you hate yourself cause you're still attracted to him.
I -- that's -- what?! Oh please, you're so hot for him I could re-heat this chili in yer cooch.
Don't you have some humans to resource?! Actually, no.
Most of my job's dealing with sexual harrassment complaints against Mr.
Archer, so are we gonna some cooch chili or what? Wuzza wuzz What in the holy hell are you doing? Well it was gonna be an Old Fashioned, but I couldn't find any bitters, so -- How long was I out?! Hard to say.
After I shaved and stuff I took a pretty long nap, so -- Uncuff me, you idiot! Holy God, if we overshot our chance to refuel! I thought you put it on auto-pilot! It just maintains course and altitude! It doesn't know how to find the only airstrip within a thousand miles so it can land itself when it needs gas! Well, then I misunderstood the concept.
Uncuff me! Okay, God! Wait, first promise you won't take me back to ISIS! ISIS?! You'll be lucky if I can get us back to land! Now uncuff me! Okay, God! Wait a minute.
Is this a ruse? Because if it is? Pretty elaborate.
Dammit! There goes number two! But it can land on water, right?! I mean, isn't that the whole point?! It's a kinda different story when we're dropping like a ton of bricks! Damn, I can barely hold her level! Want me to help steer, or? Haven't you done enough already?! Wh-?! How is this suddenly my fault?! Okay, this is it! C'mon Lucy Goosey, you can do it! Looking good, girl I think we're gonna be okay! Wait, you didn't put the wheels down! The wh -- Noooo! Woooooo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin face! Did you see that? Dude are you even alive? No, that side's too low! Well I can't tell from here! Well I can, and it's too low.
- I think you mean premature - What'd you say?! Nothing! It's just that Archer obviously doesn't want to come back, so I don't know how Riley's gonna get him on a plane - Which, I bet will crash - Yeahhh! Now you listen! Sterling is coming home safe and sound, and when he does it'll be no thanks to you people, so you can forget about getting Carvel! Aww Cookie Puss.
Wuzza wuzz what the what in the holy hell are you doing now?! Ugh, wondering why this is called a D-Ration.
Oughta call it a Y-ration.
As in "Hey, this tastes like catshit.
" They're not candy bars, jackass, they're survival rations! And they might have to last us a while! - Umm - You son of a -- okay, that is it! As of right now, I'm -- what the?! Looking for this? Give me that weapon.
No.
You're agitated.
I'm "agitated" because you crashed my plane in the God knows if it's even the middle of the Pacific Ocean! Yeah, which you're floating on, and not getting shit out of a shark in! Wait, what? I saved you from a shark! Let's see, after I pulled you out of that shitheap of a plane, but before I gave you CPR and bandaged your head! Oh.
Well thanks.
You're welcome.
Sorry I ate so much food.
Yeah, that was a pretty dick move If it makes you feel any better I puked most of it up -- It doesn't -- raft's pretty bobby.
Well we've got a few gallons of fresh water, a desalinator for when that runs out let's see, flare gun and some flares, fishing gear oh! And this guy.
What is that? Emergency beacon.
- Beams a signal directly to the ISIS satellite - Oh well that's just great! Now I get to deal with this, as my hot meatball sub congeals into a big fat disappointing blob of shit.
Nobody's gonna touch that? Yeah.
So I figure three days for ISIS to get a rescue team out here.
Nice! So we just kick back, catch a few rays, catch some sushi Well it's not gonna be a picnic, but -- Hey, can I check that thing out? Okay, but don't mess with the knobs, I've got the frequency all set, so -- Hey thanks, Guglielmo Marconi.
Who I think invented the radio.
Over.
But if the emergency beacon is going off -- oh my God, their plane crashed! I said that would happen and it did! What if I have psycho-kinetic powers?! I dunno, just try to only use em for good.
No.
Well?! Don't just sit there sweating like a gigantic cheese! Do something! Ow, and I am.
Our satellite's locked on the beacon, which is, jeez, the middle of nowhere.
Lana, Ray! Get there this instant! Uh, sorta following up on his thing about the middle of nowhere how? The black titanium corporate card?! I thought it was just a myth! Like a big, beautiful, no-limit unicorn! Charter a private jet to Honolulu, then I don't care if you have to buy a plane, get out there and find him! Wait, no, that's not in the budget! Say budget to me again, Cyril.
Save your receipts, please.
And call me the very instant you have an update! And you! You lose my son, you'll have to drink your meatballs subs through a straw.
Again, ow.
And again, the satellite is locked on the beacon, so unless he, I dunno, throws it away Wh-? Why the hell would he do that?! I told you! I'm not going back there! - Well, you say that - Riley no shit, I will shoot you.
And then I'll shoot you.
With a flare.
And then I'll use a D-ration bar and two survival crackers to make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity.
God damn, dude.
Sorry, but you're acting really crazy.
Well?! Being a spy makes you crazy! I mean what kind of job is that, where your fiancée gets murdered?! Hello, stress! - Don't even get me started on my mother, I mean she -- - She can be a steel-clad bitch, I know, why do you think I left ISIS? Wh-? You were an ISIS agent?! Briefly, way back.
Didn't work out, because, ya know, your mother Was impossible to please, right? - God, if you only knew - What? how much your mom loves you! You would at least have the heart to go tell her you're quitting in person.
Eesh.
- Rather get shot with a flare - Oh, man up! Talk to your mother.
Then you can go be a bartender, and destroy a new marriage every week.
C'mon, that marriage was doomed.
And so are we, if we don't work together out here, so truce? Uh, ya, and hey, we're not doomed! Look! Over here! Hey! No no no wait, get down! Wh-? Don't you wanna get rescued? Yeah, but those could be pirates! Okay, well, they'll just have to do 'til we find some cowboys and Indians.
What?! What what.
What're you talking about? I'm sorry I didn't know pirates werestill a real thing.
Man, this is not at all what I pictured I mean, you hear "pirate ship" you think sails, cannonballs oh, and not one of these guys has a beard.
- You done? - Hang on.
Planks.
Now I'm done.
Because the fact that we're still alive tells me they wanna try to r -- Don't say rape.
Ransom us.
Awesome.
Compared to rape.
Which seems like a thing pirates would do.
But those numbskulls who picked us up were so drunk -- Now that did seem piratey.
-- they forgot to search me.
Well, unless you've got a bunch of Navy SEALs - stuffed in your pants - No! I've got the signal beacon! So? So we just stall the pirates until the ISIS rescue team shows up, boards the ship, and takes 'em all out! Bing, Bang, Boom.
Which is funny why? Well, gee, where do I start? I will start with the caviar and the '38 Montrachet, then do the Kobe tartare with this '42 Lapin, and then this chocolate terrine looks insaaane.
And then I guess just send me to fat camp and pray to God I don't eat all those fat, delicious little chiddrens.
Because I will gobble them up.
Wow, ISIS has really gone downhill.
But there must be some good agents.
It kills me to say it, but it maybe Lana Ray, I doubt that's what Malory had in mind when she gave us the card.
Ya know, we are on a rescue mission.
Ugh.
Rescue me from myself such a fatty.
But even so, I wouldn't put all my rescue eggs in that basket.
Well?! You got a better plan?! I don't, I'm not really a planner.
My process is a little more organic? Datang! Untuk kapten! So let's just play it by ear, see where the afternoon takes us.
See? This is why I like to keep it loose.
I mean the wine's crap, but -- Oh, sorry.
No offense, captain.
No, I am who am sorry.
This from million dollar yacht.
Now I don't feel bad for killing them.
- Serves em right, those jerks - But you know wine! You rich man! Who me? No, I'm -- Rich man! My men take this off you! The Omicron Spacemaster! Oh, it's actually the Sp -- acemaster, yeah.
- Good ol' Spacemaster - To Sterleen Love, Muddah.
You muddah rich lady! Uh oh! Yeah, crazy-rich, she invented the splashless urinal cake.
The what? They're -- doesn't matter, she's rich and she loves me and I'm really rich and this is my manservant, uh Jerkins.
Funny stuff.
Not now, Jerkins.
So I bet she'd pay whatever ransom you ask for.
Splashless urinal cakes have been pretty good to us.
As you can imagine.
- This good to hear - But we can't do any of that "mail somebody a finger" - shit, or -- - No, no, no we take you back to my island! Call you muddah, get a big big money! Awesome.
Compared to finger-mailing.
So tell me about this island of yours? It's a tiny little rock called Pangu Nothin else within a thousand miles, and the beacon's been headin straight for it at about twenty knots.
So a ship must have picked them up! But I've never even heard of Pangu.
Is there a naval base there, or? Mmmnot exactly.
- It's more of a, uh - Pirate fortress.
No, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you said the phrase "pirate fortress.
" Which apparently, yes, you did, say the word pirate, followed by the word -- Fortress! - That is the word, My english so crap - Eh, I bet you just need more practice.
Try this: Jerkins, you're a douchebag! Funny stuff.
Jehkin, you dooshaback! Keep at it.
Oh and hey, did we cross the international date line? Because I can change the date for you on that Omicron Spacemaster.
Eh? Yeah, okay dumb guy Wouldn't want to be walking around like a dickhead! With the wrong date on your Omicron Spymaster! Wh-?! Wuzza hell dumb guy? It's the Omicron Spymaster! Which is why it's got knockout gas and a garrote and I think even a laser and Riley do I have to kill everybody myself?! Huh? Oh! Seriously, what the hell, Riley?! I didn't know you were making a move! Uh, dickhead?! Takes one to know one.
No! Dickhead was the go-word! How was I supposed to know?! Oh.
Yeah sorry, I forgot to tell you the go-word was -- Dooshaback! But even still, Riley you gotta be quicker.
I mean, I know you're pretty old but -- Well now that I know the go-word, I -- No, idiot, it changes every time.
Well what is it now? Pirates! Kinda confusing, since we're on a -- Owww! Come on, that was right next to my frickin ear! Sorry, I know that hurts.
Happens to me kind of a lot.
I actually have like mild tinnitis now.
I mean, it's gotten to where I had to start sleeping with a fan on.
Oh my God Yeah, otherwise it's like eeeeeeeeeee.
No, you just killed like, ten pirates.
Wow, and if the five-year old me knew that he would get a huge boner.
No idea why I said that.
Well once these idiots figure out they can turn those twenty-millimeter cannons on the wheelhouse, we'll be -- kinda confused.
What are they doing? It looks like they're surrendering! Why? All they have to do is -- Shut up, who cares why? I do! What if it's a ruse? It's not a ruse! Say something, before they change their minds! Do they speak English? Uh hello, pirates! Who speaks English, let's see some hands! Wow, way more than I thought.
Uh, excuse me? Sorry, hi, I'm Noah? What're you, the first mate, or? Oh! Oh God no, no, I'm a bajak budak? It's sort of a -- well, I guess the nearest translation is slave-pirate? Do you speak English? I do.
They don't, though, they're just surrendering the ship to you.
Dan benteng? Ya.
And the fort.
You're the new captain.
The what?! Well if you kill the old captain, you become the new captain.
I know you don't think of pirates as having a lot of rules, but they actually do and that's a big one.
Well, tell them hands down! Tangan ke bawah! Holy shit! Did you see that?! - No, I'm too busy looking at that - What is what am I seeing? Oh, the women always us throw a huge feast when we return to port.
Should I tell them to cancel it, or? Huh? No, we're totally feasting! Say that! Mulai pesta! Nice plan.
Once they're good and drunk we'll turn this tub around and head home.
Home? Riley I am home.
Wh-? ! Over my dead body are you running away to be a pirate! Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate I'm gonna be a pirate king.
Aw c'maaaahn! Clock yer skinny ass out already, and let's go get outside some dranks! Ugh, I can't! I have to cover her stupid phone in case those stupid pirates call with a stupid ransom demand for Mr.
Stupid Archer! Carol?! Carol! Have they called?! No! Ma'am! But rest assured I'll let you know the minute they dooo! Rest? - My God, who can rest - Not me, apparently.
Or me! I have to re-do the annual budget because she's blowing it all on this so-called rescue of Archer! Well his plane did crash, and the distress signal was last heard coming from a known pirate fortress, so - So?! That doesn't mean Ray and Lana have to bankrupt ISIS getting there! Oh, would you relax? You rent a boat, that money's gone.
This way, we can sell it when we're done.
I bet it'll come out cheaper.
I wasn't talking about the boat.
I think five grand for the week was a steal.
Look at him, he is lithe.
So a twink escort your rent, but -- That's different! I mean, they did ask if I wanted to actually buy him, but I thought What, that I'd be weird about it? That I, perhaps due to my race, might have a problem with the concept of owning a human being? I actually just thought I'd get tired of him.
You? Mr.
Can't Even Commit To A Pet? Wh-? Yeah hi, two cats! One of whom I think has FIP, so commit that.
You know how hard I worked on this budget?! Nights, weekends, canceled my vacation, and now it's all wasted! Wasted, exactly, let's go be that! C'mon, happy hour at Pita Margarita's! Is that what it sounds like? Only if it sounds like a shitload of tequila and some A-rab hoagies.
How dare you?! Arab, sorry.
Oh shut up, how can you even think about happy hour at a time like this?! When probably as we speak, my poor Sterling is being tortured by pirates! I wish What?! Wish you wouldn't say that! - Because I'm sure he's not being tortured - Aaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhhh! Ohhhh my God, stop, stop, stop, seriously I can't take anymore! Whew! That was insane, I never even heard of that position! Did the missionaries not swing by here, or? Excuse me? Sorry, pirate-king Archer? What! Noah! Ready for the uh, morning briefing? Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is.
So yeah, this is about as piratekingy as I'm gonna get.
Brief away! Okay, item one! The -- Noah.
Yes sir? Good morning.
O.
K.
Item one.
The huge morale problem.
How do we have a morale problem? Well first of all -- C'mon, karaoke night's a big hit Roti dan mentega, bakar dan selai! Woooo! We have an awesome feast every night Woooo! Not to mention intramural lacrosse! Woooo! Woooo! Woooo! So how can they have low morale? Well um, besides all of those things, they haven't been paid.
So pay 'em, what do you need, new payroll software? Cyril always handled all that stuff.
- Payroll, budgets, he's a genius at that crap - Just find the money, Cyril! You're an accounting genius, Cyril! That's right you bitch.
I said it.
So good luck finding all these Swiss accounts! Mwah ha! Mwah ha ha ha ha haaaaaa! Whatcha doin? Aagh! - Hey, Pam- No, we don't need -- - Oh! And dealing with - disgruntled employees, Pam's great at that - Izzat innernet porn? Uh, yep! Just, um just jackin it.
Can I watch? Or izzat weird? It's kinda weird.
Is it? Yes.
I think it's because she's such a good listener.
And she sounds lovely.
- But you don't need an HR rep and payroll software -- - Couldn't hurt Sir! Please! Pirates work for shares, and since you became pirateking there hasn't been any booty, so -- Gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you there, buddy.
From pirated ships.
Oh.
I thought you meant from the -- Native girls, no.
Sorry, I don't know all the pirate terms yet.
Well -- I'm new! To all of this! Especially the actual, you know, piracy part It's not really what I expected.
Dammit, I said get over there! For the jillionth time, nobody is raping anybody! Actually no, you know what?! Now nobody gets anything, because I'm letting him go! Shut up! He's a small business owner! If he loses his ship he'll be ruined! You can go.
Ooh, but can we get about fifty pounds of tuna steaks? Which you let him talk you down to twenty.
Well?! You know what kinda margins those guys work on? - I actually don't - Well nice Ph.
D.
! My field's anthropology.
And I'm actually just a doctoral candidate? Or I was, until these guys captured my research vessel and enslaved me - Ugh, not this again - So I was thinking, if you freed me You're my translator, I need you.
That's why I made you first mate.
Which also went over pretty badly.
Yeah, people hate you so let's just put a pin in the whole manumission thing.
But -- Noah! Morale's low enough as it is.
And I bet I know who's to blame! No kidding I'm not kidding, this Archer guy's gonna get you all killed.
He -- Riley! Archer, what a coincidence.
I was just talking about you.
With who? Cause that bucktooth little shit doesn't even speak English! I do little bit -- No you don't.
-- and correct syntax is "with whom!" Man, that is not gonna help morale.
Yeah, Bucky's an incorrigible gossip.
Who -- to whom you are forbidden to speak! I locked you down here so you couldn't contact my mother, not so you could, whatever, sow disharmony! You're sowing plenty all by yourself.
Face it kid, you're a bust as a pirateking.
King, exactly! And unless you want to spend the rest of the afternoon with a bunch of scorpions, don't forget it! And remember, this is a rescue mission.
I heard you.
So don't charge in there all crazy, machine-gunning everything in sight.
When have I -- I'm sure you'd love it - if Sterling were killed in some huge crossfire.
- Wh-? No I wouldn't! -- but just try to control all your jealousy and, ick, sexual frustration.
Oh no, you're breaking up.
Lana.
I mean, am I jealous because Archer gets preferential treatment? Yes.
But am I still attracted to him? Is a pig's ass pork? I'm sorry, did you wanna hear what I think, or just what you wanna hear? He asked, pretty sarcastically.
Raja lemah! Raja lemah! Kita memerlukan raja baru! Whoa whoa! Bucky! What is this?! We hold erections for king! - Well, flattering, not really necessary - He means elections.
Okay, that makes more -- wait, what?! Time for new king! Raja baru! Okay, pirates! Hey! Take a knee! Noah You wanna? That won't translate.
It's like last week when you said "lend me your ears" and they were like "Apa?" Damn it -- I can't do idioms.
Shut up.
- Then unshut up, and tell them I understand their frustration - Do you? Saya mendengar anda! But you don't change horses in mid -- Idiom! Now is not the time for a new king! Sekarang tidak ada raja baru! Because the king is strong! Raja yang kuat! If you so strong melawan raja! Yah! Melawan raja! Melawan raja! What's melawan raja? King-fight.
If the king loses to a challenger in one-on-one combat, he has to step down.
Or just be dead.
Since when?! Since 19 always.
Did you not read the orientation materials? Woooo! Mmmmore skimmed it? Enough talk! Melawan raja! - Okay Bucky, we'll melawan raja - Oh, one thing -- Noah shut up and translate.
I accept your challenge! Cabaran diterima! Because your mouth's been writing checks your butt can't cash, Anda -- Do you even know what an idiom is? Colloquial metaphor.
No, it's -- well actually yes, but I really think this is a bad idea -- I'm not remunerating you to think, Noah! Even if you weren't a slave.
And your three-fifths of an opinion is noted, so -- oh sweet Jesus Jones! See, Bucky doesn't have to fight you himself.
He can choose a stand-in.
Who is huge! That's what I was -- Why didn't he come out for lacrosse?! You lucky I don't let him! Let him? He's Bucky's girlfriend.
Way to eschew traditional gender roles, pirates.
- Yeah, they're fascinating - Now we melawan raja! And then we see who is bucktooth little shit! It'll still be you.
Listen -- Melawaaaaaaan rajaaaaa! Mela-wan, ra-ja! Mela-wan, ra-ja! Hey, maybe there's a way to make some money on this.
Bet on me.
I would, but who'd bet on -- wait, don't you have that backwards? No.
Because you know what I bet? - I bet I kn you're gonna tell me - I bet after we Zodiac in past the reef, take out at least one O.
P.
, make our way through a jungle full of Claymores, neutralize the fortress garrison, and finally extract that - kidnapped-gettin ass sonuvabitch, he's gonna be all like -- - Woooooo! Wuhhhhh! Like this whole thing was all just part of some dumbshit master plan.
She said, trying to convince herself that she no longer ached for his -- Oww! I'm sorry, what were you gonna say? Cock.
Suck it! Cause I'm still the king! This no fair! You break the rules! What rules?! We're pirates! Melawan raja mean hand-hand combat! Boo-hoo, show me! Show me where it says that! Take your time.
I'm hourly.
I know it in here somewhere Damn! Okay, maybe it don't say this exact words, but everybody know -- Nooop! Fair is -- well it wasn't exactly fair, but since it wasn't expressly forbidden tough titties! Wow, I never realized how much we rely idioms.
You win this round, Archer! Duh.
But every dog has its day! See? Idiom.
And when that day come Bucky make you sorry! - Bucky make you say -- - Mayday mayday maydayThis is Rip Riley calling ISIS, over.
Noah.
That's not me.
I know that! Damn it, is that the P.
A.
?! Way to eschew traditional labeling, pirates.
Fascinating.
Because since when is there a radio in the damn dungeon?! God, you really shoulda read your orientation materials.
Noah! Radio room! Mayday mayday mayday, this is Rip Riley calling ISIS.
Mayday may -- Rip?! Finally.
Malory, listen to me very -- How's Sterling, is he hurt or -- oh God, have the pirates tortured him?! Uh, no.
Oh thank God, I was -- wait, are you under duress?! If you are, key your handset twice! I'm not under duress, I'm -- Well, that's exactly what you'd say if you were under duress, so -- Malory! I don't have a lot of time, so please listen very carefully I'm listening! Your son, is-- Nooo! Oh my -- Carol! Somebody?! What.
Sterling I think he's been shot! Oh my God.
So then can I go home? I told you, I'm not going anywhere! Especially not back to ISIS, and especially not now that I just shot -- What I assume was the only radio? Yeah, "See about getting a back-up radio" was itemmmmm five.
And item one, is Riley get your ass back in your cell! Item one's actually the morale problem.
Noah? More like potential mutiny.
Yeah, right? Gonna go ahead and change "morale problem" - to "potential mutiny" - No! You're not! - Because there is no mutiny, potential or otherwi -- - Pemberontakan! Pemberontakan! So, is that Malay for -- Mutiny, yes.
- So I guess I should upgrade it from "potential" to -- - Incipient? - Ooh, nice - No! Do not upgrade that mutiny, Noah! I will tell you! When it's time! To upgrade the damn -- Mutiny, okay, so What comes after incipient? In progress? Nailed it! Oh, this is great.
This is just great for my ears.
This is what I was talking about, with the whole tinnitis thing! - You hear that high-pitched whine? It's like - Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Noah! Aagh! What?! I -- well for one thing, I'm kinda regretting making you first mate! Me too! Now I'm management! Archer! What?! Shut up! Noah! What?! What'd you say about a back-up radio?! That we need one! It's itemmmm Five! Oh well that's just-- A battering ram? Archer! Kami membunuhmu! What was that, what'd he say? "We're going to kill you.
" Oh.
Thought they were surrendering.
Why?! Would you think that?! They did before! For no good reason! At least then we had assault weapons! Now we've only got -- give me that! Yeah go nuts, Sundance, it's empty.
It's empty! Because you emptied it! Into the only radio on the island! - All six, right in the ten ring - Well, congratulations! We're trapped! We're not -- Trapped.
Okay yeah, we're trapped.
Uh, heah gang why don't we just use that? Well obviously we're gonna use that.
Hantu! They not ghosts! They just white! Rasis.
You're racist! Those dirty pirate bastards! They killed my baby boy-hoy-hooyyy! - Oh now, you don't know that for sure - You're right! That sound could've been anything! Like a firecracker! Orientals are crazy for firecrackers! Oh my God, and rice? Or maybe Rip shot a pirate, and Sterling yelled "No" because he didn't want to give away their position! And opium.
Yes, you know, I bet they've escaped! oh my God and rice.
Because if anyone can escape from a pirate fortress, it's Sterling and Rip.
Especially if they cooperate.
Damn it, quit stepping on my hands, you idiot! Quit bossing me around! You're not my -- wait, tell me there's no chance you're my father.
Not unless you're -- Fifteen.
Thank God.
The feeling's mutual.
- Because if my son was as big a bonehead as you -- - You have a son? Wh-? No.
Then shut up.
Noah! Where the hell does this go?! I don't know, down! - Wow, you're only a doctoral candidate - Hey guy, my field's anthropology! Good luck with the job hunt.
Right? Not that it's any of your business, but I plan to teach?! Anthropology.
Wh-? Yes! To anthropology majors.
Hey ya know what? Thus continuing the circle of why bother.
Anthropology is an important field of study! I'm pretty sure somebody's already named all the different spiders! Wh-? That's arachnology! I know! Equally huge waste of time! Hey speaking of, can we go back up? Oh my God.
Not really.
Why? Just curious.
Go go go go go! Waaaagh! Waaaagh! Oh, shi -- That was just a flash-bang grenade! Still super-bad for your ears, So when we get outta here, you should go see my ENT doctor, he's good.
How the hell are we supposed to get out of here?! Isn't this your cell? Yes! So how'd you get out before? I bribed Bucky! Noah! What? That is annoying as shit! And I doubt we can bribe Bucky again, since I crippled his girlfriend So what're we supposed to ow?! I dunno.
But I may as well go home and rest.
If they haven't escaped already, Lana will be there any time now, and she'll get them out.
- And it's not like I can do anything from here - Exactly! So why do I have to stay?! Because Lana may call.
Or because I said so.
Pick one.
Who's jackin' it? And why the hell are you still here? I, um, this is, uh, what was I doing? Whatever it was, you better pray it had about three coats of Scotch-Gard.
- And that it wasn't, ick, Pam - His narrow twinky ass better not steal the boat, is all I'm saying Oh! And just, before we get in there, I am not still attracted to Archer! I'm sure he's still attracted to me, I mean, he'd have to be Uh, blind not to, um I am so sorry about that.
Does it hurt? Ray, seriously, I'm sorry.
Oh, now you're giving me the silent treatment?! What're you, six?! No Just professional.
- Hey, pirates - Okay, then how 'bout this? We set Noah on fire-- What? -- and when they come to put him out, we overpower them.
We don't have a lighter.
Well, then, I'm out of ideas.
And also, out of luck.
Because no rescue for you, hotshot.
- We catch your friends on beachy.
- But Ray? Holy shit, wheredcha get that eye-patch? What are you, in pirate disguise? Great job, buddy.
Looks great.
Lana? You came all this way? To rescue me? Oh, my God.
Archer, don't.
Still got it pretty bad for me, huh? Archer - Archer Archer, don't you dare say - Whoo! What do you mean "Lana hasn't called"? I mean, I've been sitting here for like five million years, and the phone hasn't rung once, and so every time it doesn't, I just assume it's not her, not calling to say they They should've rescued Sterling and Rip from the pirates hours ago! - Maybe they did and just didn't call - No, I gave them explicit orders to What the hell are you wearing? Uh, this thing cal cd my boss made me sleep at my desk, so pajamas? Men's pajamas? For God's sake woman, where is your pride? In my work.
That may be the funniest thing you've ever said.
Thank you.
Oh shut up.
And then try Lana's sat-phone! Wait, what if Lana's been captured, too? Then I'll have to ransom her and Sterling and Rip and, well no, Miss Gillette's on her own.
Still, get Cyril in here! I need him to find a way to pay for all this! Wait a minute, that can't be right I remember being really mad and really drunk and deciding to do some online Banking! Oh my God, I must have embezz, arrassed myself last night, huh? Don't talk like black people, and how should I know? I'm still ripped.
So, you don't, um, happen to remember me saying anything about passwords to say, Swiss bank accounts? I don't even remember who peed on your sofa.
- Although, if I was a gamblin' man - Cyril! What! Ugh, smells like a kennel in here.
Cash reserves, how much do we have? - I'll, uh, need to run those numbers - Well hurry up, we don't have a minute to lose! God only knows what kind of torture Sterling's going through.
Get off the bucket.
I'm not done.
Yes, you are.
But I didn't, you know, I can't with all the everybody looking at me, and then the judgements.
Noah? Yes? I just traveled eight thousand miles and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates trying to rescue a person who is now responsible for my getting crabs twice? Oh come on, These crabs, this time, were not my fault.
- This whole dungeon is, um - Were you gonna say "lousy with them"? - I was, but then I realized that's - Where that phrase comes from, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So Guess what I'm in.
No mood? Winner winner, chicken dinner.
Wait, shouldn't it be some kinda crab dish? Because of the crabs? Like crabcakes? Ooh, or Lana.
Lana.
Lana.
Lanaaahhhhh! What? Dugenon us crabs.
Cause we're in a dungeon.
I'm kidding, crab rangoon.
Noah, seriously, I swear to God Stop.
Rock beats spoon, you should know that, you're an archaeologist.
Ann! Thropologist! I mean if you're doing it just to get on my nerves, okay I get it, - but if you're trying to actually escape - Well at least he's trying something.
- As opposed to the doublemint twins - Meh! And it's one, two, three, go Herd! - Missed it by that much - Shut up.
It's no use.
That trap door goes up a vertical shaft to the radio room - Exactly, and if we get to the radio - Which this idiot shot to piece Holy shit.
Wh-? What the hell happened to him?! - He - Who knows?! Maybe a brain aneurysm! No, he It's the silent killer! Noah! Not unlike a metal spoon.
Sharpened to a razor's edge and used to slit an anthropologist's birdlike throat.
- He just kinda keeled over - Probably thanks to your bucket-stankch.
- Wh-? I didn't even go! We're going, one, two, three, down Herd! Oof! Jeez, how bout a little warning?! I said "Down Herd.
" Couple things, one, Ray, thanks for perpetuating the stereotype of the gay man as collegiate cheerleader For your information, almost all male cheerleaders are - Finely-tuned heteroathletes, yeah, hang on, I'm getting a call.
Brrnng, hello? Hi, it's lacrosse, you lose.
Lacrosse?! Yeah, it's Algonquin for bloodsport? That's not Algonquin for anything.
Noah? - My sat-phone! Yeah, Noah, her, wait, your what? - My sat-phone! The pirates took it! And since I haven't called in, ISIS should be calling me any time now! Jeezow Lana, answer your stupid phone.
Hello?! Gimme Sterleen Archer mudda! Oh my God be more Chinesey.
Pirates, line two! - Wh-? Well for -- put them through! Oh my God be more I hate you.
That's why your phone is blinking! Oh.
Hello? - This is Malory Archer - This is Malory Archer Okay, den you lissen to me! No, you just listen to me, buster! Bucky! If you touch one hair on my son's head, I'll have your guts for garters! You like wear garter? - Wh-? It's an idiom! You heathen! Malory will call, she'll haggle over the ransom for me, you and Riley.
What about me? And me? - We'll come back for you later - No, shut up, we gotta get that phone, or something, I don't know, but I don't want Mother talking to Bucky! Why not? She's been coming to your rescue since you were in short pants! Rr.
Rr.
Rrr! Oh for, Sterling get your things.
We're leaving.
Before this quack's office burns to the ground.
Rr.
Rr.
Rrr! Sterling get your things.
We're leaving.
Before this cruddy school burns to the ground.
Rr.
Rr.
Rrr! Sterling get your things! He's gay.
You were in the army? Oh, who remembers.
Well, try! I can't! Remember! There's a reason they call it "black-out drunk!" If I don't remember that password I can't unembezzle that money, and then I'm screwed because I don't have - Ten million dollars? That's outrageous, I won't pay it, I don't even want the gay back.
So you better just sharpen your pencil.
- I don't have penc - It's an idiom! Aw, but I love it when Malory bails you out of one of your idiot jams.
Oh really.
Yeah, 'cause then I get to watch her rub it in your face.
- Oh my God, okay first of all -- - First of all! - Wh-?! Riley no! Don't say it! He's been here voluntarily! Partying his ass off, as king of the pirates! What? Don't listen to him, I bet that brain aneurysm scrambled les Broca's area.
Language center of the brain? Noah.
Thank you.
No problem.
Actually not making much progress.
You're kidding.
No.
Three million, and not a penny more.
And before you see one thin dime, I want to talk to Sterling! Cyril! Waagh! - Hey, Ms.
Archer - Three million in cash? That, uh, should not be a problem.
I know it shouldn't be.
And it better not be.
Why would it be, it's not, I just need to move a little money around.
So move it.
Today please! Keep looking, maybe I wrote it down! Archersucks, no.
Killarcherdie, no.
- Uh - Just trying all my usual passwords.
Hey, way to not give him the power.
Thank you.
Do you hear me? I want proof of life! Duh.
- You lying pathetic little piece of -- - Hooof! Lana no! C'mon, you're gonna kill him! Yeah, that's the plan! Hey! Knock it off! Look, Lana, don't get me wrong, I like your spunk -- - Phrasing.
Shut up, but I promised his mother I'd bring him home safely, and I just assume that includes his spleen.
- Think that ship might've sailed - No, not a ship -- - That was an idiom.
A helicopter.
There's an old Huey down by the dock, and it just so happens Rip Riley here can fly it.
No shit.
Yeah Rip Riley here can fly anything.
You know, as long as it's got fuel.
Well, Rip, why don't we just look around for some fuel in this cell - Doubt they'd keep it in here.
- In which! We're still locked! I figured we'd kinda work backwards.
From the stealing of the helicopter.
Archerstabface, no.
Archerbortion -- - No! What're you, gonna type random words in there the rest of your life? All five minutes of it! At which point Ms.
Archer will probably walk in here and dissolve me in a drum of acid, unless you have a better idea.
- State-dependent memory! - So, your plan is for us to get as black-out, knee-walking, shitfaced drunk as we were last night, in the hopes that we remember the password.
Well don't hog it all! Pam! Ugh, seriously, I bet that would've killed a lesser man.
There's a lesser man than you? Uh yeah, his name's Houdini? - Whom I wish you were -- - Yeah, cause then I - could just puke up a key - Because you'd be dead.
Houdini's dead? You know what? Yes.
Here's what we do, we lure Bucky down here, and take him hostage.
And then? Then we'll see.
We'll keep it loose.
Oh for, and just how the hell are we supposed to lure him down here?! Sterling Archer? What's that? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my plan working.
Telephone! It's you mudda! - My -- Wait, please tell me you didn't tell her I was temporarily the pirapi-king.
No not yet, but this is damn good I Nnngh! Sterling?! Sterling are you alright?! No Mother, I'm a captive of pirates! Oh, and Riley said he no longer finds you attractive 'cause you're too old! He what?! What?! You little Sunamabeetch! Grrk! Was that a gunshot?! - Yep, they got ol' Ray this time - Raayyy! And now I keel you! Rrrgh! Right in my same ear! Ha! Good, serves you right! - Malory, I never said - You're no spring chicken yourself, you know! Rrrnh! Lanaahh! Is Lana hit?! Someone talk to me! Mother, I'm a little busy right now.
Noah! What?! Spoon him! You mean spoon him as in like oh! Today please! I am incredibly sorry.
Grrk! Rip?! Rip I take it all back, you're as strong and sexy as the night we - - For shit's sake, Mother! How short is the list of guys you haven't screwed?! Oh, how dare you? You can forget about that ransom! For once you're on your own! - For once? Oh my God, Columbia Hou -- All I wanted! Was to mourn! The murder of my crazy-hot Russian fiancée by becoming a pirate king! But I guess that was too much to ask! So Mother can keep her stupid ransom, because I don't need her! What I do need, is some frickin crab shampoo! Noah! Wounded! - No, I'm -- well, maybe some psychic scarring, but physically I'm -- - Tend! To the wounded! Oh, right.
Not him! Start with Lana! I'm fine! Check on Ray! Yeah, he is not looking good.
Although, neither is Riley and neither is your situation! Because you can forget ransom! Now you and your friends will die here! Yeah, speaking of forgetting, couple things.
One, these aren't my friends.
- Got that right - I mean her, yes, kinda, maybe, - but there's a lotta weird sexual tension - Ha! But these other three, whatever, who cares, I mean Noah's a slave.
- Yeah, about that-- - Noah not now! And two - Aha, but I shoot gun many times! And in all the excitement I lose track myself! So now you thinking, did he fire eight shots or only - Four.
Idiot.
So get your things, we're leaving.
Hey, can I run up to my hovel and grab the only extant copy of my dissertation? Noah? Still got four bullets.
Do you know what "extant" means? You know what "license to kill" means? I'll just um write another one.
The world holds its breath.
Ray?! Ray, c'mon honey, stay with me! Ray.
Ray! Ray!! - Not sure that's helping! - Yeah neither are you! Lana, I only have two hands.
What I don't have, is all day! There, I finished! Jeez damn! How ya doin, Riley? How the hell do you think I'm doing?! Hey relax, Nick Furious! Save your strength for flying the chopper.
And again, I am just incredibly sorry.
What's your blood type? How would I know? - Wh-? How would you not?! Who am I, Karl Landsteiner? Discoverer of blood groups? You don't know your own blood type, but you know who discovered them.
Yeah, now Your exact words, Pam! "Dr.
Charles Drew, or I will eat a bag of dicks!" Bring 'em.
And not to diminish the accomplishments of Dr.
Charles Drew, but God damn it Archer! Ray needs O positive blood, or he is gonna die! So give him some of yours! - I'm A-negative! Hey, me too! - And even if Riley's O-positive - No, I'm A-negative too.
He's already a quart low.
- Sooo - Oh.
Positive? Yeah.
One of these days, I swear to God, I am going to burn this place straight down to the ground.
Oh my God yes, hey, what about this Sunday?! Unless you want people in here, in which case weeohh my God! Waagh! Five oh, five oh! Cyril! Never mind moving that money.
What money, oh! Really? You sure? - Because all I need to do is just - Re-evaluate your entire life, and yes, I'm sure.
Sterling can get himself out of this jam.
For once.
Oh and don't be here on Sunday.
Pam.
Why just me, what's happenin' Sunday? Probably my grisly murder, since we still haven't found that password! Ya try "guest"? - No Pam, I didn't, because I'm not an -- - Oh, eat a dick.
Bring it.
How much of my blood does he need?! I dunno, ten gills.
- Wh-?! U.
S.
or imperial?! - Just keep sqinueezing that gag-ball.
That I don't wanna know why you have.
No, you do not.
You will never make it to helicopter! My men will cut you down like dogs! Thanks, human shield.
Although Where the hell are all your men? Wh-? Are you serious? They're all at the intramural lacrosse finals.
The what?! Oww! Lana shut up.
That's today?! It's right now.
Well, in ten minutes.
- Who's playing?! - Archer.
- Uh, the Lax-mi Singhers - They made the finals?! Versus the Archers of Loafcrosse.
- Wh-?! That's my team! Archer.
Lana, I'm team captain! I built that team from nothing, and now -- - Archer! Ray is dying.
Does that mean so must my dream?! Look, I think it's great that for once you're getting out of a jam without your mother's help, but -- - Not for once! Hello? Columbia House? But remember earlier, when you said that you and I were friends? I, of course.
I mean I know we fight a lot, but God, now that I think about it, you're my only friend.
Wow.
Right? - Yes, Archer, because if you do this - Please don't make me choose.
I will never, ever forgive you, and we will never, ever be friends again.
Woooo! Birds-eye view of lacrosse! Lana, Lana, we got the face-off! - Hooray! - Now can we please get out of here?! Because we are totally vulnerable! I know, look at our defenders! He's not talking about the defenders.
The crease, idiots! Guard the crease! And what are my middies doing? Middies! C'mon, get in position! Oh shit, they are! - No look, they're all bunched -- oh.
Iiiiincomiiiiiing! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - Hooray! - Wait wait wait, Lana -- Get some! Get some! You sons of bitches! Suck it! Nooooooo! Hang on! Lanaaaaa! Archerrrrr! What, Lana! I Nothing, I got you.
You got me! Well that's just super! What the hell is your problem?! My problem! Is you just Bonnie and Clyded my starting middies! - Wh-? - They were Red-shirt freshmen, Lana! Who I was grooming! But now I guess the Archers of Loafcrosse can forget about the South Pacific lacrosse championships! Yeah that's not a thing.
If and when that becomes a thing! Here's a thing.
Your mother doesn't know you ran away to be a pirate, so - No! - Lana, seriously, she - Would literally kill you.
Well, figurative yeah, literally.
So now, for the rest of your idiot life, I'm got that on you.
Wow.
Right? Oh my God! Just screw already! Seriously.
Then kill each other.
Then shut up.
And then kill each other again.
And call me, so I can watch you do it.
Sterling, I don't know how you did it, but, well, except for Rip's eye you got everyone home in one piece.
No thanks to you.
Well, it's about time to did something on your own.
Oh for Columbia House! Record Club! Archer! The important thing is we're home.
And that we spare Malory the details of your time on pirate island.
Why, what happened? Nothing! Well, you know, besides a lot of um, pretty horrific torture.
Which mother, if you had seen would have broken your heart.
But why dwell on that? We're home! - And my mourning period, for um - Katya.
Is over, so hey! It's a happy ending! Yeah, it's just a big ol' goddamn fairy tale.
Fairy tale.
Uh, phrasing? Ray, I'm kidding! Don't be like that! Oh, gross keep it moving, cripple! Shut up.
Ray? Ray.
Ray! Oh, okay! Then I guess just pout!