Archer s02e15 Episode Script

Heart of Archness (2)

Aw c'maaaahn! Clock yer skinny ass out already, and let's go get outside some dranks! Ugh, I can't! I have to cover her stupid phone in case those stupid pirates call with a stupid ransom demand for Mr.
Stupid Archer! Carol?! Carol! Have they called?! No! Ma'am! But rest assured I'll let you know the minute they dooo! Rest? - My God, who can rest - Not me, apparently.
Or me! I have to re-do the annual budget because she's blowing it all on this so-called rescue of Archer! Well his plane did crash, and the distress signal was last heard coming from a known pirate fortress, so - So?! That doesn't mean Ray and Lana have to bankrupt ISIS getting there! Oh, would you relax? You rent a boat, that money's gone.
This way, we can sell it when we're done.
I bet it'll come out cheaper.
I wasn't talking about the boat.
I think five grand for the week was a steal.
Look at him, he is lithe.
So a twink escort your rent, but -- That's different! I mean, they did ask if I wanted to actually buy him, but I thought What, that I'd be weird about it? That I, perhaps due to my race, might have a problem with the concept of owning a human being? I actually just thought I'd get tired of him.
You? Mr.
Can't Even Commit To A Pet? Wh-? Yeah hi, two cats! One of whom I think has FIP, so commit that.
You know how hard I worked on this budget?! Nights, weekends, canceled my vacation, and now it's all wasted! Wasted, exactly, let's go be that! C'mon, happy hour at Pita Margarita's! Is that what it sounds like? Only if it sounds like a shitload of tequila and some A-rab hoagies.
How dare you?! Arab, sorry.
Oh shut up, how can you even think about happy hour at a time like this?! When probably as we speak, my poor Sterling is being tortured by pirates! I wish What?! Wish you wouldn't say that! - Because I'm sure he's not being tortured - Aaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhhh! Ohhhh my God, stop, stop, stop, seriously I can't take anymore! Whew! That was insane, I never even heard of that position! Did the missionaries not swing by here, or? Excuse me? Sorry, pirate-king Archer? What! Noah! Ready for the uh, morning briefing? Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is.
So yeah, this is about as piratekingy as I'm gonna get.
Brief away! Okay, item one! The -- Noah.
Yes sir? Good morning.
O.
K.
Item one.
The huge morale problem.
How do we have a morale problem? Well first of all -- C'mon, karaoke night's a big hit Roti dan mentega, bakar dan selai! Woooo! We have an awesome feast every night Woooo! Not to mention intramural lacrosse! Woooo! Woooo! Woooo! So how can they have low morale? Well um, besides all of those things, they haven't been paid.
So pay 'em, what do you need, new payroll software? Cyril always handled all that stuff.
- Payroll, budgets, he's a genius at that crap - Just find the money, Cyril! You're an accounting genius, Cyril! That's right you bitch.
I said it.
So good luck finding all these Swiss accounts! Mwah ha! Mwah ha ha ha ha haaaaaa! Whatcha doin? Aagh! - Hey, Pam- No, we don't need -- - Oh! And dealing with - disgruntled employees, Pam's great at that - Izzat innernet porn? Uh, yep! Just, um just jackin it.
Can I watch? Or izzat weird? It's kinda weird.
Is it? Yes.
I think it's because she's such a good listener.
And she sounds lovely.
- But you don't need an HR rep and payroll software -- - Couldn't hurt Sir! Please! Pirates work for shares, and since you became pirateking there hasn't been any booty, so -- Gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you there, buddy.
From pirated ships.
Oh.
I thought you meant from the -- Native girls, no.
Sorry, I don't know all the pirate terms yet.
Well -- I'm new! To all of this! Especially the actual, you know, piracy part It's not really what I expected.
Dammit, I said get over there! For the jillionth time, nobody is raping anybody! Actually no, you know what?! Now nobody gets anything, because I'm letting him go! Shut up! He's a small business owner! If he loses his ship he'll be ruined! You can go.
Ooh, but can we get about fifty pounds of tuna steaks? Which you let him talk you down to twenty.
Well?! You know what kinda margins those guys work on? - I actually don't - Well nice Ph.
D.
! My field's anthropology.
And I'm actually just a doctoral candidate? Or I was, until these guys captured my research vessel and enslaved me - Ugh, not this again - So I was thinking, if you freed me You're my translator, I need you.
That's why I made you first mate.
Which also went over pretty badly.
Yeah, people hate you so let's just put a pin in the whole manumission thing.
But -- Noah! Morale's low enough as it is.
And I bet I know who's to blame! No kidding I'm not kidding, this Archer guy's gonna get you all killed.
He -- Riley! Archer, what a coincidence.
I was just talking about you.
With who? Cause that bucktooth little shit doesn't even speak English! I do little bit -- No you don't.
-- and correct syntax is "with whom!" Man, that is not gonna help morale.
Yeah, Bucky's an incorrigible gossip.
Who -- to whom you are forbidden to speak! I locked you down here so you couldn't contact my mother, not so you could, whatever, sow disharmony! You're sowing plenty all by yourself.
Face it kid, you're a bust as a pirateking.
King, exactly! And unless you want to spend the rest of the afternoon with a bunch of scorpions, don't forget it! And remember, this is a rescue mission.
I heard you.
So don't charge in there all crazy, machine-gunning everything in sight.
When have I -- I'm sure you'd love it - if Sterling were killed in some huge crossfire.
- Wh-? No I wouldn't! -- but just try to control all your jealousy and, ick, sexual frustration.
Oh no, you're breaking up.
Lana.
I mean, am I jealous because Archer gets preferential treatment? Yes.
But am I still attracted to him? Is a pig's ass pork? I'm sorry, did you wanna hear what I think, or just what you wanna hear? He asked, pretty sarcastically.
Raja lemah! Raja lemah! Kita memerlukan raja baru! Whoa whoa! Bucky! What is this?! We hold erections for king! - Well, flattering, not really necessary - He means elections.
Okay, that makes more -- wait, what?! Time for new king! Raja baru! Okay, pirates! Hey! Take a knee! Noah You wanna? That won't translate.
It's like last week when you said "lend me your ears" and they were like "Apa?" Damn it -- I can't do idioms.
Shut up.
- Then unshut up, and tell them I understand their frustration - Do you? Saya mendengar anda! But you don't change horses in mid -- Idiom! Now is not the time for a new king! Sekarang tidak ada raja baru! Because the king is strong! Raja yang kuat! If you so strong melawan raja! Yah! Melawan raja! Melawan raja! What's melawan raja? King-fight.
If the king loses to a challenger in one-on-one combat, he has to step down.
Or just be dead.
Since when?! Since 19 always.
Did you not read the orientation materials? Woooo! Mmmmore skimmed it? Enough talk! Melawan raja! - Okay Bucky, we'll melawan raja - Oh, one thing -- Noah shut up and translate.
I accept your challenge! Cabaran diterima! Because your mouth's been writing checks your butt can't cash, Anda -- Do you even know what an idiom is? Colloquial metaphor.
No, it's -- well actually yes, but I really think this is a bad idea -- I'm not remunerating you to think, Noah! Even if you weren't a slave.
And your three-fifths of an opinion is noted, so -- oh sweet Jesus Jones! See, Bucky doesn't have to fight you himself.
He can choose a stand-in.
Who is huge! That's what I was -- Why didn't he come out for lacrosse?! You lucky I don't let him! Let him? He's Bucky's girlfriend.
Way to eschew traditional gender roles, pirates.
- Yeah, they're fascinating - Now we melawan raja! And then we see who is bucktooth little shit! It'll still be you.
Listen -- Melawaaaaaaan rajaaaaa! Mela-wan, ra-ja! Mela-wan, ra-ja! Hey, maybe there's a way to make some money on this.
Bet on me.
I would, but who'd bet on -- wait, don't you have that backwards? No.
Because you know what I bet? - I bet I kn you're gonna tell me - I bet after we Zodiac in past the reef, take out at least one O.
P.
, make our way through a jungle full of Claymores, neutralize the fortress garrison, and finally extract that - kidnapped-gettin ass sonuvabitch, he's gonna be all like -- - Woooooo! Wuhhhhh! Like this whole thing was all just part of some dumbshit master plan.
She said, trying to convince herself that she no longer ached for his -- Oww! I'm sorry, what were you gonna say? Cock.
Suck it! Cause I'm still the king! This no fair! You break the rules! What rules?! We're pirates! Melawan raja mean hand-hand combat! Boo-hoo, show me! Show me where it says that! Take your time.
I'm hourly.
I know it in here somewhere Damn! Okay, maybe it don't say this exact words, but everybody know -- Nooop! Fair is -- well it wasn't exactly fair, but since it wasn't expressly forbidden tough titties! Wow, I never realized how much we rely idioms.
You win this round, Archer! Duh.
But every dog has its day! See? Idiom.
And when that day come Bucky make you sorry! - Bucky make you say -- - Mayday mayday maydayThis is Rip Riley calling ISIS, over.
Noah.
That's not me.
I know that! Damn it, is that the P.
A.
?! Way to eschew traditional labeling, pirates.
Fascinating.
Because since when is there a radio in the damn dungeon?! God, you really shoulda read your orientation materials.
Noah! Radio room! Mayday mayday mayday, this is Rip Riley calling ISIS.
Mayday may -- Rip?! Finally.
Malory, listen to me very -- How's Sterling, is he hurt or -- oh God, have the pirates tortured him?! Uh, no.
Oh thank God, I was -- wait, are you under duress?! If you are, key your handset twice! I'm not under duress, I'm -- Well, that's exactly what you'd say if you were under duress, so -- Malory! I don't have a lot of time, so please listen very carefully I'm listening! Your son, is-- Nooo! Oh my -- Carol! Somebody?! What.
Sterling I think he's been shot! Oh my God.
So then can I go home? I told you, I'm not going anywhere! Especially not back to ISIS, and especially not now that I just shot -- What I assume was the only radio? Yeah, "See about getting a back-up radio" was itemmmmm five.
And item one, is Riley get your ass back in your cell! Item one's actually the morale problem.
Noah? More like potential mutiny.
Yeah, right? Gonna go ahead and change "morale problem" - to "potential mutiny" - No! You're not! - Because there is no mutiny, potential or otherwi -- - Pemberontakan! Pemberontakan! So, is that Malay for -- Mutiny, yes.
- So I guess I should upgrade it from "potential" to -- - Incipient? - Ooh, nice - No! Do not upgrade that mutiny, Noah! I will tell you! When it's time! To upgrade the damn -- Mutiny, okay, so What comes after incipient? In progress? Nailed it! Oh, this is great.
This is just great for my ears.
This is what I was talking about, with the whole tinnitis thing! - You hear that high-pitched whine? It's like - Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Noah! Aagh! What?! I -- well for one thing, I'm kinda regretting making you first mate! Me too! Now I'm management! Archer! What?! Shut up! Noah! What?! What'd you say about a back-up radio?! That we need one! It's itemmmm Five! Oh well that's just-- A battering ram? Archer! Kami membunuhmu! What was that, what'd he say? "We're going to kill you.
" Oh.
Thought they were surrendering.
Why?! Would you think that?! They did before! For no good reason! At least then we had assault weapons! Now we've only got -- give me that! Yeah go nuts, Sundance, it's empty.
It's empty! Because you emptied it! Into the only radio on the island! - All six, right in the ten ring - Well, congratulations! We're trapped! We're not -- Trapped.
Okay yeah, we're trapped.
Uh, heah gang why don't we just use that? Well obviously we're gonna use that.
Hantu! They not ghosts! They just white! Rasis.
You're racist! Those dirty pirate bastards! They killed my baby boy-hoy-hooyyy! - Oh now, you don't know that for sure - You're right! That sound could've been anything! Like a firecracker! Orientals are crazy for firecrackers! Oh my God, and rice? Or maybe Rip shot a pirate, and Sterling yelled "No" because he didn't want to give away their position! And opium.
Yes, you know, I bet they've escaped! oh my God and rice.
Because if anyone can escape from a pirate fortress, it's Sterling and Rip.
Especially if they cooperate.
Damn it, quit stepping on my hands, you idiot! Quit bossing me around! You're not my -- wait, tell me there's no chance you're my father.
Not unless you're -- Fifteen.
Thank God.
The feeling's mutual.
- Because if my son was as big a bonehead as you -- - You have a son? Wh-? No.
Then shut up.
Noah! Where the hell does this go?! I don't know, down! - Wow, you're only a doctoral candidate - Hey guy, my field's anthropology! Good luck with the job hunt.
Right? Not that it's any of your business, but I plan to teach?! Anthropology.
Wh-? Yes! To anthropology majors.
Hey ya know what? Thus continuing the circle of why bother.
Anthropology is an important field of study! I'm pretty sure somebody's already named all the different spiders! Wh-? That's arachnology! I know! Equally huge waste of time! Hey speaking of, can we go back up? Oh my God.
Not really.
Why? Just curious.
Go go go go go! Waaaagh! Waaaagh! Oh, shi -- That was just a flash-bang grenade! Still super-bad for your ears, So when we get outta here, you should go see my ENT doctor, he's good.
How the hell are we supposed to get out of here?! Isn't this your cell? Yes! So how'd you get out before? I bribed Bucky! Noah! What? That is annoying as shit! And I doubt we can bribe Bucky again, since I crippled his girlfriend So what're we supposed to ow?! I dunno.
But I may as well go home and rest.
If they haven't escaped already, Lana will be there any time now, and she'll get them out.
- And it's not like I can do anything from here - Exactly! So why do I have to stay?! Because Lana may call.
Or because I said so.
Pick one.
Who's jackin' it? And why the hell are you still here? I, um, this is, uh, what was I doing? Whatever it was, you better pray it had about three coats of Scotch-Gard.
- And that it wasn't, ick, Pam - His narrow twinky ass better not steal the boat, is all I'm saying Oh! And just, before we get in there, I am not still attracted to Archer! I'm sure he's still attracted to me, I mean, he'd have to be Uh, blind not to, um I am so sorry about that.
Does it hurt? Ray, seriously, I'm sorry.
Oh, now you're giving me the silent treatment?! What're you, six?! No Just professional.
- Hey, pirates - Okay, then how 'bout this? We set Noah on fire-- What? -- and when they come to put him out, we overpower them.
We don't have a lighter.
Well, then, I'm out of ideas.
And also, out of luck.
Because no rescue for you, hotshot.
- We catch your friends on beachy.
- But Ray? Holy shit, wheredcha get that eye-patch? What are you, in pirate disguise? Great job, buddy.
Looks great.
Lana? You came all this way? To rescue me? Oh, my God.
Archer, don't.
Still got it pretty bad for me, huh? Archer - Archer Archer, don't you dare say - Whoo!