Archer s05e09 Episode Script

Archer Vice: On The Carpet

Woodhouse.
Mum.
If I see this glass empty again, I will be very unhappy.
Perish the thought, mum.
Now then.
Who'd like to go first? No? All right, then I will.
Idiots! Thank you, dear.
For a moment there, I thought I was going to be unhappy.
Now then.
Who's next? Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) Okay, so, uh I guess I'll go, if If I can just stop you there.
Will you please cover yourself! With what, I don't have any There.
Happy? No! I didn't mean with whipped cream.
It's actually whipped cocaine, so That explains where some of it went.
Mmm.
And the tingly numbness of my nipples.
And why are you dressed like the whore the rest of the trailer park finally decided they had to stone to death? Duh! We were shooting my album cover.
Yes! Good, yes, that is perfect! Perfect for what? Come on, it's an album cover, not an Amish bible.
Ya gotta sex that shit up sexy.
Um I think it's pretty sexy.
You think that's sexy? With the rocket pops outside of you? I mean But if she eats them, we lose the whole red, white and Okay.
Yeah, not talking about eatin' em.
Wait, what are you You want me to put a rocket pop in my vagina? Well, for starters.
But let's not rule anything out, you know, let's see where that leads.
We've got a shitload of film.
I'm supposed to have film in this? God damn it! Krieger! So, I have a question.
The butthole, Lana, is what I was Yeah, I got that.
But do you think the cover for a country album should be hardcore? What do you even call that, food porn? I do.
You think it makes a good country album cover, or you call it food porn? Yes.
Are you These things are freezing.
Film, film, film, film, film! Quit putting rocket pops in your ass! I'm eating them! Jesus, what is wrong with you? I guess I just don't get art.
You obviously don't.
And it's not that we don't appreciate criticism? It just needs to be constructive.
- Yeah, Lana.
- Shut up.
And then tell me what happened to the hundred pounds of Kilos.
Kilos.
Kilos, thank you, shut up, of cocaine that you took to Colombia.
Which Lana, when I want you to talk, I will tell you.
And until then, zip it.
Wha What did I do? Nothing! Yeah, Lana.
Which is why these feckless idiots lost 200 kilos of cocaine! Yeah, La Oh! Okay, technically, but then we stole a plane loaded with, like, twice as much cocaine.
Is this the part where you tell me to look under my seat? No, unfortunately, we ran into some Assholishness.
Archer, I swear to God! I will crash this plane right into the goddamn ocean! I'll take my chances with the ocean! The ocean isn't full of alligators.
And do not even think about it, Cyril.
Ray, what do I do? Uh, I guess hang on.
Sorry, Cyril.
Ow! Oh, shut up, it's your own fault.
It's debatable.
No, it's Shut up, come on, Ray, there has to be somewhere to land besides the middle of the damn Everglades.
Well, not within fuel range, so And whose fault is that? Isaac goddamn Newton! You see that airstrip, the one that's circled? That's the only one in range, and we've only barely got enough fuel to make it there But Miami's right over here.
We can't land at a real airport.
Even if Ray had filed a flight plan Why didn't you file a flight plan? Wha That's like Airplane Stuff 101.
Not when the airplane is stolen and crammed full of guns and cocaine! Oh.
I will concede that point.
Dammit.
What's up? What's going on? Burning too much fuel.
We're heavy.
What do you mean, "heavy"? You said we had enough fuel to I said barely! I bet the Colombians didn't count on three passengers! Oh, my God, we're gonna crash.
Cyril, do not panic.
Just get out.
What? Do the right thing, Cyril.
You have nothing to live for.
Get your hands off me.
Okay, relax, Jesus.
What ever happened to Team Archer? Please tell me that was never a real thing to you.
Eh I mean Hello! Time's a bit of a factor here! Cyril, for the love of God, man, jump! Just throw out the cocaine.
What? No! I'm not telling Mother I lost the original hundred pounds of Kilos! Kilos! Whatever unit of measurement, of cocaine.
Plus all this cocaine.
Do you have any idea how mad she'd be? Well, the alternative is a belly landing in a swamp filled with alligators.
No, no, no.
What if, um Archer! Alligators or your mother! What's the difference? They're both cold-blooded prehistoric monsters.
Excuse me? I meant the pain of disappointing you would bite.
Alligator-ish-ly.
Uh-huh.
Anyway, right about then Okay, I can see the airstrip.
Oh, can we make it? Maybe, if you Wait! Ray, you said the Colombians were flying to this airstrip? Yes! Why do you think it's marked on the chart, you idiot? Okay well, let's circle back to who's an idiot and talk about who's probably waiting at this airstrip.
Dukes.
And what their reaction will be to three total strangers showing up in their plane without their coke.
They'll kill us.
Well, maybe not.
Why maybe not? Wait, why? Because that.
And that.
Happy? What, like, in general, or Ooh! This is exciting.
I hope everyone dies.
Uh, we obviously didn't Oh.
Hardy har, Mother.
And so our heroes, such as they are, have run out of fuel and What? No, no, no! What are you doing? Throwing out the guns.
No, no, no, no! You're screwing the trim all to hell.
This no-phrasing thing is killing me.
Best case, our glide ratio is maybe ten-to-one! But it's a lot less with the damn door hanging No, no, no! Whoo! Whoa, whoa.
Whoa! You idiots! What did I do? Don't, there's no talking to him when he gets like this.
Dump the damn guns.
Uh, I am, if you'd shut up.
Wait, wait, wait, Cyril.
What, Archer? We're coming in! Brace for landing! Tell ya in a minute.
Gear down! We're not gonna make it! Exciting, isn't it? Wha.
.
Wha Whoa! Oh.
So Cyril What I was gonna say was Maybe don't throw out all the guns.
Because you know what they say.
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to be the world's biggest dickhead, and inside your head, there's a million more dicks, like, uh, if you cut open a golf ball, only instead of those little rubber bands in there, it's just, you know Dicks? Oh.
So you have heard that? And so Gillette lands safely, I'm sure there's a joke in there about fairy dust, and then what happens? Yeah, tell her what happens next.
I will if you shut your mouth.
Okay, listen up.
Say what you will about my skills as a drug kingpin.
Completely nonexistent.
You don't have any.
Are you done? Yes.
Yes.
Good, because if there's one thing I'm good at, out of the million other things I'm good at, it's infiltrating the enemy with an assumed identity.
Named Randy.
Named shut up, it's not always Randy.
Oh, my God.
Always.
That's because Randy's awesome.
And I'm the best in the world at this, so shut up and follow my lead.
Hey, guys Oh! Anybody else in there? - No.
- No.
Sterling, how are you not dead? Because I didn't get shot with buckshot, I got beanbagged.
Beanbagged, Pam.
Awesome.
Oh, my God! Yeah, I could've died.
Pfft.
It was a beanbag.
Medical fact, Cyril.
If you get hit in the chest between heartbeats, you can die.
Go ask Houdini.
Ask him what, how to get AIDS? So who were these goons? They were They kinda looked ex-military, now that you mention it.
American.
Yeah, and the leader's name was Slater.
Just call me Slater.
And sorry about the beanbag.
Man, that must kill.
Yeah, you hear “beanbag", you think Beanie Baby, not internal bleeding.
Well, the door was shot off and we didn't know who you were.
Still don't, I guess, formally, uh Uh, Rando.
Rando.
Yep.
Rando No, that's it.
It's a mononym.
Like Cher.
Pliny.
Cantinflas! I know what mononym means.
What I don't know is who you people are.
Uh, I'm Rando, I think we covered that fairly well, and these are the, uh, McCracken brothers, Phil and Odie.
Hello.
Odie, hush! So why do you guys have my cocaine? We I'm not done.
Sorry.
What have you done with Gomez What, you're just not gonna answer? Oh! Sorry, you trailed off like there was a third Why do you have my cocaine and where the hell is Gomez, full goddamn stop! Gomez was gonna steal it.
Says who? "Who.
" Nice.
Anyway, they called us in to address that.
Which we did, and now we're here, and Full stop? Okay, this is the last of it.
The weight's good, we tested ten of the bricks, looks like it's all here.
Well, either you guys are the shittiest coke thieves on the planet Which we are not.
You know, if that was I mean, if we put our minds to it Look, here's the thing about the McCracken brothers.
Odie, hush! You were saying? Hey, between you and me, I thought Gomez was hinky from the get-go.
And since the coke's all here, let's get you fellas loaded.
Yeah, now you're talking.
About something else.
Entirely.
Apparently.
What, did you nerf-nuts think I was talking about getting drunk? Uh.
Yeah, on money.
Oh, man, classic Rando.
And don't worry, Calderon's good for the money.
At least for now, am I right fellas? Are you? Classic Rando.
Yeah, Rando's awesome.
So, obviously you're not gonna be able to pressurize this baby, so I'll keep it under 8,000.
Still gonna freeze your asses off.
Good thing you're flying south, huh? Mmm, yep.
You do know where you're going, right? I absolutely know where we're going.
Yeah, back home, to ask Mommy what to do.
Hey, shut up! You shut up! Aah! Ow! Ma, they done killed old Rando! So you leave here with a bunch of the first load of cocaine, which just mysteriously appeared at ISIS and that Malory swears wasn't hers Because it most certainly was not.
Wait, then where did it come from? Obviously from Sterling.
Obviously from Mother.
No, not from me! No, not from me! Well, I certainly Well, I certainly Sorry to break that up.
I love Freaky Friday as much as the next gal, but let's just press on, operating under the assumption that one, or more likely both, of you are lying, and Lana, I swear Lana, I swear Pressing on.
So then you stumble into another bunch of cocaine in the jungle, and then continue stumbling into a beanbagging arms dealer.
So that now, almost inexplicably, we have enough weapons to invade Quebec.
Wait, literally? No Krieger, not literally.
Lame.
Well, if we ever do, the best time to invade is right after brunch, when they're all logy.
Archer? I dunno, it couldn't hurt, but Still talking about this.
Not invading Quebec.
Oh.
Yeah, then they loaded the plane with the weapons, said we were heading south and that Calderon would pay us.
Calderon? As in Gustavo Calderon? Should I know who that is? How could you not? I dunno, Cyril.
Maybe I was busy saving your life once, and then you shot me.
Gustavo Calderon, aka Baby Gus, is the president of San Marcos.
Should I know Oh, for God's sake, Sterling, it's a country.
In Central America.
Mmm, not according to this.
Because that thing's a hundred years old.
It still says German East Africa.
We will never recognize Tanganyika.
Well, it's Tanzania now, so Lame.
Well, whatever, as long as they don't nationalize the ivory trade.
I don't think my portfolio can take the hit.
Trust me, San Marcos is a country.
And it's in the middle of a civil war.
Communist rebels are tearing through the countryside like Cows.
Bees.
Hang on.
Bees.
How do you not know about San Marcos? It's all over the news every night.
from San Marcos tonight, as the Communist rebel forces consolidate their gains on the countryside, and now prepare to move on the capital.
We spoke with President Gustavo Calderon, seen here volunteering at the hospital, comforting the wounded.
Oh, hello, I did not see you there.
I was comforting this brave young man here, the fruit of San Marcos, wounded by a Communist sneeper.
I think he has died.
Yes.
But let me say this, to the Communists who are murdering our brave young fruits, and to their puppetmasters in Moscow and the capital of China, you cannot kill the spirit of San Mar Lame.
As in, who cares? The United States.
Apparently, Calderon is barely clinging to power.
Huh.
You think this is somehow related? I'm kidding, obviously.
Are you? No, I can't tell.
Yes, I'm kidding.
Because you wanna know what I really think is going on here? You're all jealous! My album's coming out and it's gonna be huge, and you're all jealous, and so you just want to ruin it for me! Why would I want to ruin your album? I get 50 percent of the profits.
Archer? I dunno, maybe a little jealous, it's an exciting time for her.
This! Still talking about this! Oh.
Right, right, right.
So what I think is I think you've managed to stumble backwards into a CIA-backed, anti-communist, drugs-for-arms operation.
Wow! That actually makes more sense.
Than? No, let's just go with her thing.
Which, if it's true, is Wonderful! I was going to say terrible.
Because you are a timid man, Cyril.
What? No, I'm not! Dude, your balls are made of pussy.
All kidding aside, I maybe should go to a hospital.
Cyril, this is an opportunity to finally make some money.
Even if we had a buyer for the cocaine, do we even still have half of it left? Eh What? It's, urn, you know, not, it's Krieger! Tell me what's going on or I will literally emasculate you! Well no, if you literally emascu Okay, so, for a few weeks, I've been working on a bit of a side project.
I give you, the Red Kriegtober! Um Or the Red OctKrieger, I can't decide.
It's a narco-sub.
For transporting cocaine.
It's totally undetectable by the Coast Guard.
Thoughts? How are you gonna get it out of here? Hmm? How does that thing leave this room? God! Dammit! Oh, for the How much money did you waste on that little boondoggle? Well it's not that so much as Krieger? Well, I needed ballast, and what better to simulate bricks of cocaine than, you know, bricks of cocaine.
Krieger And when I realized it would never feel the wind on its face or taste the salty spray of the sea, I I You what? I blew it up! God damn you all to hell, I blew it up! You mean it's all gone? No.
No, not all of it.
Why? There, there.
Woodhouse dear, I need some more ice.
Straightaway, mum.
Oh.
And a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, - and a straight razor.
- Whoa! Whoa! You're not emasculating Krieger.
What the hell was the mirror for? So you could watch.
Eep! Oh.
The perfect ending to the perfect I almost said "evening.
" More like months, though, isn't it? Since we started scrabbling for coins because the damn government took away our Everything.
They took everything.
And the only thing that was left, you idiots either lost, gave away, ate, or just blew up and sank.
Yeah, Krieger.
Archer? And so, starting now, in addition to the country music business, which Right? We are in the arms business.
There's still a little cocaine left.
Krieger? Yeah, Krieger.
And do we wanna talk about this, or You're welcome to.
I personally am going to bed.
It's been a long night.
Oh, yeah, why are you all dressed up? Well, not that it's any of anyone's business, but I had dinner with Ron.
Wait, you're still getting divorced, right? No.
We have decided to give it another chance, and so we will be going to marriage counseling and Wait, what? Huh? - Marriage counseling and what? - Oh, for We've decided to have an open marriage.
Okay.
Great.
Oh, my God.
Well, it was either that or Oh, my God.
It's Ron! - Hel - Oh, no! And so Jesus.
Hope he doesn't call me.
Why would he call you Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)