Archer s05e10 Episode Script

Archer Vice: Palace Intrigue (1)

God damn it, Ray! Are you drunk? No, dumbass! Are you? No! Although not for lack of trying.
Exactly, that's my whole point.
How can you drink rum with all this turbulence? Oh, my God, that's my whole point! Enough already! My God, are you people paid by the word? It's bad enough I'm packed into this flying boxcar with you, without all this incessant bickering.
It's like I'm stuck on a school bus.
With the worst driver on the planet! Why don't you shut up? Your own plane What was that? It is kind of like a school bus.
When have you ever been on a bus? No, from the movies.
We've got the whole Breakfast Club in here.
I'm Emilio Estevez, Cyril's obviously Anthony Michael Nerd, Mother, you're Paul Gleason, Krieger's the loose cannon Judd Nelson, and Lana, you're Er, urn Wait, seriously? Molly Ringwald.
Eh Oh, my God! What the hell are you talking about? Mother, hush.
Lana, come on, if any of you ISIS women is Molly Ringwald It's obviously Cherlene.
- Totally.
- What? Yeah.
She's the rich one, she's a redhead So what, you think I'm Ally Sheedy? Are you all just saying random words? Ally Sheedy would've been way more likely to get pregnant in high school.
Had there been a sequel.
God forbid.
Right? And as for who's the hot one Wait what, of us? I'm the hot one! Eh Oh, my God! - Oh, get over yourself.
- Huh? - What's that from? - Will you shut up? Oh, please, she knows we're in here.
She will if you don't shut up! Pam, I know you're in there.
No, we're not! But if we are, which I don't admit to, which Breakfast Clubber am I? Hmm, I guess the janitor everybody thinks is gross, but turns out to be cool.
Aw! I love that you take that as a compliment.
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) So, can we get out of the crate now? No.
But as it seems we've arrived at a pause in the idiocy, let's recap the plan for when we land in San Marcos.
Yeah, because I'm curious how we tell Calderon we turned $6 million worth of cocaine into $1 million worth of weapons.
That's the CIA's problem.
Calderon doesn't care.
It's all gravy to him.
Yeah, Lana.
I was actually wondering that myself.
All that matters is that Calderon pays us for this shipment.
Then we use the profits to buy more weapons, which we sell to him to make more profits to buy more weapons, blah blah blah.
Lana, for God's sake, it's Econ 101.
Cyril, don't be shitty.
Yeah, Cyril.
Tower to unidentified aircraft.
You are now entering restricted San Marcos airspace.
Identify yourself.
Uh, guys? Just tell them Slater sent us.
You think that's a good idea? Flying into a war zone, telling them we're with the CIA? If Slater even was CIA.
Now, he's the one who teabagged you? Uh, beanbagged.
Oh, whichever.
It's a fairly important distinction! Sorry, can I be a nag for a second? Oh, my God, Lana! I've had only, like, eight drinks.
Okay, not that, but wait, really? Yeah, I've totally cut back.
And not that it's any of your beeswax, but I've also cut back on, you know On what? Sterling, with you that could almost literally be anything.
Anonymous sex! If you must know! Ew! Beechcraft, please identify.
Really? I've totally, relatively cleaned up my act.
So maybe keep that in mind when you're choosing godparents? I will, Archer.
I really will.
Beechcraft, identify.
Guys! God damn it! Tell him Slater sent us! Wait, wait, wait Tower, this is Beechcraft.
Ray! Uh, Slater sent us.
Beechcraft, you are cleared for landing.
Thank you for hearing my concerns.
Jesus, will you relax? What's the worst that could happen? Get on the ground! Get on the ground! Hands up! Get on the ground! Don't shoot! Hands up! Don't shoot! We're unarmed! Way to go, Gilligan.
Who is in charge here? Señor Presidente! I Not you, you baboon-faced baboon! l am obviously talking to these gringos and also, if I am here, then you are obviously not in charge! I And to repeat, who is in charge here? That would be Because they are to blame for this shipment of weapons being late! Her, that older woman down there, with the more or less permanent scowl.
Señor Presidente, it is such an honor to meet you.
I'm Malory Archer.
WOW! Well, thank you.
Anyhoo Hello? So, the stories are true! What stories? I Not What's Damn it, man, I was sleepwalking! Hey.
What's going on? Maybe you're their god.
Okay, all but him, arrest! Without even checking the merchandise? Although not that particular Wait! No, no, no! Don't shoot! God damn it! Who the hell drilled my box? So we're just done with "phrasing," right? That's not a thing anymore? I know, right? Cherlene! What? Wait, what? Yeah seriously, what? Outlaw Country! Hoochie Coochie Coochie Man! Travis County Limitado! l am your biggest fan! Please, we go to the presidential palace! I'm fine, too, by the way! That's good.
Great! Please, come.
Come, come, come! So phrasing's just dead then? What is your Wait, are you drunk? Please, off 12 drinks? Viva Cherlene! Viva Cherlene! Cherlene! Cherlene! Cherlene! Wait a minute, you said eight drinks.
I lied.
I mean, yes, eight.
Holy dickballs! I mean, I mean, I mean, just holy Dickballs, yes, Pam, I got it.
Are you sure? The room is okay? Yeah, it's fine, whatever.
I cannot believe it is actually you! Here! In my palace! I mean Yeah it's blowin' your mind, huh? Boom! Can I please bring you anything, a freshly squeezed juice, a cocktail, a sandwich of your own choosing Don't you, like, have a war to go to? It's in the mountains, far, far away.
Where we will crush the communist rebel dogs! Especially now that we are once again receiving weapons.
Yoo-hoo! And about that, I was hoping that you and I could discuss our terms? I But Cherlene ls exhausted.
As is my drink.
Why do we always have to share a room? The sinister gay cabal, Cyril.
You have fallen victim to the sinister gay cabal.
You know I don't know why we always get stuck together.
But I kinda don't mind it.
Actually, I don't either, now that I Queer! Apache helicopters! We should sell those! Cause I'm a ropper! Wow, that's awful.
But so far, being an international arms dealer is not.
I could get extremely used to this.
Matt, Joel, hi, shut up.
Let's set up lunch with Adnan Khashoggi? I I got it.
Oh, no.
May I help you? I'm sorry to bother you, sir.
No, you didn't, aren't, or rather you couldn't, or still haven't, I I thought you might need more towels.
Oh, uh No, I think I'm okay for right now.
Although that being said, it's better to be safe than sorry.
At least with regards to towels.
But only towels.
Hey, are there more towels? Hey, are there more towels? Hey are there more You realize this isn't a hotel, right? And even if it were, that's not how you would go about getting towels! Who're you? Princess Hang on.
Lana? Well played.
I've got crate lag.
And where are you going with that? Ice machine.
Oh, hey, I could use some ice.
Oh, and if you see a housekeeping cart, can you grab me some towels? Yep! You're not going to, are you? Nope! God damn it.
Cold, cold, cold And there, but for the grace of Hey, get me a fizzy water! Thanks! I'm sorry? Tanks? For? Hmm.
Maybe to start? I defer to you? Then yes, I think to start.
Yes? Oh, yes, please.
But soon I think more, no? Well, I should hope so Or is that not No, please, of course.
I am willing to do whatever it takes.
Well, then that makes two of us.
Wait, really? Anything? Yes? Gas? I'm sorry? You have gas? Wh No! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I thought you No! For the No! I misunderstood.
I apologize! And well you should! And well I do! Please, forgive me! I mean What a frickin' clip joint.
No towels.
No ice machine.
No towel machine? Yeah, right? What is this, Escape From Wait, are we still in New York, or What? No, we're in Central America.
Oh, my God.
We did it! We're free! Do Outlaw different country! Whoo! Sometimes I worry about her.
Eh Oh, hang on, maybe this is it.
- I don't know, it looks kinda - Ugh.
Pam, they can't leave valuable towels and ice just lying around.
Hotel profit margins are very thin.
Krieger? What'd you, see a ghost? Oh, my God, please say yes.
All right.
ls that happy hour I smell? Yes.
Archer, please join us.
Your mother and I are drinking wine that belonged to Benjamin Franklin.
We are? And discussing a shipment of four American tanks.
Oh, tanks! Thanks.
Tanks? We do tanks! We can do anything, as long as you're willing to pay.
Me pay? Good, then it's settled.
If you say so, Mother.
No, no, I'm sorry.
I thought this is why the CIA was buying my cocaine.
To sell to the American black people, to make the money to buy the weapons to give to me to fight the comunistas.
Wait, what? Why wouldn't they just Sterling, shut up and let me handle this, because the problem, Gustavo Oh I'm sorry.
May I call you Gustavo? No.
The problem, Señor Presidente The problem, you see, the problem is ls the White House has lost faith in your ability to win this war! Ooh.
And so, if you want any more weapons, you'll have to pay for them in cash.
Starting now.
No, no But I cannot afford to do this! Oh, please.
Look at you, drinking Ben Franklin's wine like it's Kool-Aid, surrounded by priceless art Not this one obviously, but No, this one cost 40 millions.
What? What? Yes.
It is an Ivan Blitko.
So we have, in this area, these very geometric shapes, and these very bold colors here, and then the thick black lines are coming here, always drawing the eye to here, and then, over everything, just white.
Just layer after layer after layer of pure white.
Until you can see nothing of the painting below.
Not even with an infrared camera.
So, what's the point? The point? What is the point of a beautiful woman? And speaking of! Hello, darling.
My Wife! Sterling! Where are your manners? Probably in my room, so I should go there right now and find them.
No, no, no, please stay.
Mi amor, may I present to you Sterling Archer and also his charming mother, Malory.
Juliana Calderon.
A pleasure to meet you, Juliana.
I'm sorry.
May I call you No.
Uh, darling, how was your afternoon? Exhausting.
So hot and sweaty.
To be honest, I'm really quite sore.
You see? This is why I disapprove.
Juliana sometimes goes among the servants, pretending to be a maid or working in the laundry, even one time helping to carry some rocks? Oh, how Inspiring, really.
I was just showing them the Blitko.
Do you like what you see, Mr.
Archer? You know, so much that I'm gonna go write about it in my art journal! She is going to bring us some tanks, so that we may crush the rebel dogs.
Did they tell you what is for dinner? Clones? Yes, clones! My God, it was like looking in several mirrors! Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man Archer! What? Ow! Hang on.
Got a stitch.
Damn it, I don't have time for Wait, Pam, did you find an ice machine? Uh-uh.
Oh Hang on.
God damn it.
Clones! What? Krieger says Ow! Hold on.
God damn it! Krieger says he saw a bunch of clones! Of what? Of me! We're running to find them! Wait, what? I thought we were running away from them! Hang on.
Shut up.
Hold that thought.
Guys, come on.
Let's go! Not without a bunch of garlic and some wooden stakes.
What? They're clones, not vampires! It doesn't matter to the stake! What're you We can't kill them! Well, not now! We wait till morning and then murder them in their coffins.
Cyril? Thoughts? I just really wish I hadn't come on this stupid trip.
But since I did Thanks! You jerks.
- Don't even wanna know.
- Lana! Lana! Oh, my God.
You gotta help me! Oh, for the There is no ice machine! Okay not that, but A, a palace this big definitely has an ice machine.
Maybe not in the hall, but it's not like they make ice with trays.
B B is "Hey, shut up," because I wanna talk to you about that thing where you said you're cleaning up your act.
Which I'm actually pretty serious about, by the way, but right now, I wanna talk about this other thing where I just banged Calderon's wife.
Uh, hang on.
Why would you do that? I I'm sorry, do you mean where? No, Archer, I mean why! What happened to "no more anonymous sex"? It wasn't anonymous, Lana! I thought she was the maid! Why would you think that? I'm sorry, do you mean why? Yes! Why? Uniform, towels, the usual maid stuff! The Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back up.
What is your definition of anonymous sex? I don't know, bird masks! Or a woman you literally bump into on the train! Or the ferry! Or in a porta-john at the Preakness that time.
But not somebody who works directly for a president, I can tell you that.
I mean, we're talking major security clearance, so you gotta assume there's a pretty thorough vetting process for that You know You done? Hang on.
So, here's my advice.
Do with it as you will.
Oh! Hey, are you going to this dinner? Or did you already eat? Crayons.
Should we not just start? Not until the guest of honor arrives.
Whoo-hoo! Yes, yes, yes.
Come, come, come, because I am pulling out! - Phrasing, boom! - Thank you.
How's the balls? Ruined, I'm pretty sure.
Okay, you sit there.
You, up.
I beg your pardon? Get up.
Come on, move it.
Up, up, up! Well, of all the Please, Cherlene! Everyone, raise a glass, and join me to toast Cherlene! Because, and I happen to know this for a fact, her debut album has now officially sold one million copies! How? It came out like, yesterday.
Yes! Amazing! A toast! No, like literally yesterday.
And now it is platinum! A toast! I just don't see how it's possible It doesn't matter how! A toast! I don't get it, but okay.
And also, let us not forget, my brave soldiers, yes, out there, fighting those rebel dogs, far away! And plus that one right there.
Señor Presidente! The rebels have broken through our lines! They They are now within mortar range! Oh, my God, it's starting! What is? Cherlene mania! It's a mortar attack! I know! How frickin' outlaw country is that? I burn it down I burn it down to the ground I burn it down To the sea I burn it down Down to the ground Don't mess with this country queen Don't you mess With this country queen Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
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