Archer s05e11 Episode Script

Archer Vice: Palace Intrigue: Part II

Whoo! Outlaw country! Outlaw Stop it! Make me.
Lana! Are you crazy? No, she is.
See.
Let go of her throat, She-Hulk.
Those pipes just sold a million records.
Which is amazing, can you believe it is so amazing? Everyone, toast! Whoa! Presidente, this is no time for toast.
No, not toast.
A toast, a toast.
It is even less the time for that.
Calm down, Colonel Panic.
Listen.
The shelling has stopped.
Why the hell did you do that? So we can scrooch down behind it.
The shelling has stopped! Oh.
Did you just say that? God damn it.
ls everybody okay? Yes.
Wait a minute, where is my wife? And where is Sterling? What's that? I mean, yes.
What? What are we doing? What are you doing? Why were you in the butler's pantry? I was hiding, because I was scared.
Yeah, right.
Really.
Well, fairly.
But I found a paper bag in there and I did some deep, uh Breathing? Also, yes.
So, hey, what's the plan? We must counterattack.
But sir, I don't have enough troops.
Oh, my God.
Always with the excuses.
Sir, you have an entire battalion sitting idle at the airport They are not sitting idle, they are Unloading the one million record albums you bought from this gringa! What? Wait, what? Surprise.
Wait, what? Non-surprise.
Can you not? I thought people liked me! I thought we were broke! I, that's Do you have any idea how humiliating this is? Jinx! lnappropes.
Cherlene, wait! Well, now it's your turn to be humiliated, Gustavo.
Because for your information, I just had Cyril? Oh, my God.
The gun went off for no reason.
Surprise.
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) Ten million dollars! On cowboy music! Cowboy music? Presidente, please! Permission to redeploy the troops at the airport! Jesus Christ! Fine.
Whatever you want.
Bravo Two, this is Bravo Actual.
Redeploy your troops to sector four.
Well, lam redeploying to my rooms.
Well, lam redeploying to my rooms.
My God, why was she so upset? Well, I think any time a spouse makes a major purchase without discussing it I meant Cherlene, you pea-wit.
Why does she care? Most singers would kill to have a record go platinum.
Ahem.
Speaking of killing people Oh, my God.
Okay, first of all, he Actually, yeah, Pam, let's hear some Bee Gees.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Stayin' alive.
Holy shit! That works.
Yeah, so does Kevlar.
Wait, so does what? Oh! What, did you just want mouth-to-mouth? I can explain.
What is this, Meatballs? You little Racist.
What? Cyril, you wear Kevlar every single time we go to Latin America.
Because every time, you shoot me! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not every time.
Three out of four, tops.
You big baby.
Also speaking of Here it comes.
No, actually, here it goes.
I'm leaving.
Ray, airport, let's go.
Have you lost your mind? Seriously, lam not your servant.
Ow! God damn it! Not that! Ow! Lana, in case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.
And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their monster truck with a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people.
Yeah.
Those aren't actually the good kind either.
Now who's racist? Those guys, Pam, those exact same guys you just described.
Oh.
Well, now I feel like an asshole.
When do you not? Almost always.
I really like me.
Baffling.
As is leaving before Calderon pays us for that shipment of weapons, so When was that supposed to happen? After a lovely dinner with him and his freshly-banged first lady? His What are you talking about? I'm talking about Archer, who just Oops.
Give me that! Mother, be careful, that crazy thing's got a mind of its own.
And it's not the only thing.
Why can't you keep it in your pants? Oh, Mother.
It's not funny, I actually use mine.
Yes, always.
What happened to no more anonymous sex? We had already met.
Not the first time! The first time, I thought she was the maid.
Why would you have sex with a maid? That doesn't merit a response, Mother.
And the second time, she blackmailed me.
How did she blackmail you? By threatening to tell Calderon about the first time.
That's the honeypot.
How could you fall for that? It's Espionage 101.
I know, it's pretty ironic.
But also, I always fall for it.
And now, what's to stop her from telling him about the second time? Mmm.
Nothing, she's crazy.
Ow! Ow! Lana, quit it! Ow! Ow! God damn it! Asshole.
We're dead! You've killed us! Me? I didn't have a follow-up.
To that.
All right, Lana, you win.
Yay! Win what? We're leaving right now.
Ray.
Already packing mentally.
Damn it, man, forget your kimonos! Oh, like I brought a huge stack.
Five's a pretty big stack.
Cyril, shut up and go find a vehicle.
Ray, find Cherlene.
No matter what happens, we can't leave without her.
She said, suddenly oddly maternal.
Right? She has to endorse the royalty checks.
And the penny drops.
You shut up and the rest of you shut up and grab anything valuable.
Ooh! Like that ridiculous white painting.
Wait, what about Krieger? Oh Who cares about Krieger? Plus, I bet the vampires got him.
Oh.
So now will you join us, brother? Yes.
Clone bone! My God, I have so many questions.
Are you clones of me? Am I a clone of you? Did you all grow up together, in an actual house with an actual mom and dad? And was I ever there? No.
To all of it.
You sure? Because I have this very clear memory of me as a child and it's snowing, and there's a creepy old man trying to take me away, and then I knock him down with a sled.
That's Citizen Kane.
Oh.
Wait, no, not a sled.
A pneumatic bolt gun.
Now that does sound vaguely familiar.
Right? Wait, no, I remember blood on snow.
Right? No.
That was something else.
He was never with us as a child.
Well, the important thing is that you're with us now.
Especially since your friends "Friends.
" Please.
Can you believe those jerks? After all these years? Kicking me to the curb like A child.
A frog.
Frog-child.
No! Is that what I think it is? No.
Well, let me finish, because I think it's some kind of unholy adolescent human-amphibian hybrid creature.
Oh.
Then yes.
I'm home.
I'm finally home.
Just in time for our moment of triumph.
Well, if there's one thing I love, it's triumph.
What is it? All will be revealed in time.
And if there's one thing I love more than triumph, it's annoying vagueness.
Cyril, shut up and find a vehicle.
I'm a hateful shrew.
And this is my idiot son, Archer.
He's going to screw the dictator's wife and then shoot you in the chest.
Makes me so mad.
One of these days, I swear to Jesus H.
Chrysler! Well, one thing's for sure.
If I had to do it over, I'd be a dictator.
What? My God, come on, how can you even say that? Because that's what you are! Cherlene, I'm not a dictator.
I'm a president, like your Jorge Washington.
Jorge Washington, which apparently I've been mispronouncing wrong this whole time, wasn't president for life! He could have been if he wanted.
The 22nd amendment to your constitution imposed the presidential term limits.
But it wasn't passed by your congress until 1947, and not ratified by the requisite number of American states until 1951.
So Who are you, Dave Frishberg? I don't know who that is.
Of course you don't.
Because you don't live in a free country where the world's largest manufacturers of sugary cereals are allowed to sponsor interstitial animated programming unapologetically targeted at children! No.
I live in a very poor country.
No, look, I know.
But go outside the palace walls and trust me, Cherlene, listen, it is crazy poor.
Yeah, that was my whole And so, I wanted to distribute your records among, I hate to say this, but our filthy peasants, so as to brighten their lives with your music.
Oh.
Well, now I feel like a Wait, do they even have record players? Well, no, obviously not, but So how would they even use records? As plates? What in the name of all that is stupid do you think you're doing? You tell me, crazy pregnant hormone lady.
What's it look like I'm doing? But before you answer, please don't say "literally being emasculated," because I looked that up and Ick.
Hold it up.
Lana, come on.
You and Mother smashed my balls pretty good.
Kudos, they're swollen.
But I don't need a cutman.
The painting, you idiot.
Oh.
Thought you meant my genitals.
But look, I know you're jealous I had sex with Juliana, almost twice.
But don't slash the painting, it's Priceless.
But worthless if you damage it.
But even though it's very delicate, it can withstand a surprising amount of shit.
Wait, is this an extremely ill-phrased analogy about my penis? Yes, Archer, it is, because everything, everywhere, everywhen is about the paragon of adequacy that is your dick.
"Adequacy" as in "mindblowingness"? Or "adequacy" as in "Hey, stupid, "you just destroyed $40 million.
" As in neither, you dummy.
This is how you steal a painting.
Did you never see The Thomas Crown Affair? No, not a huge Steve McQueen fan.
Oh, my God, are you Archer, you used to moan about him in your sleep.
No, I didn't.
Come on, you can do this, just pick a stupid car.
But the perfect car, so that for once in her life, Ms.
Archer can't bitch.
And we'll be driving through a war zone, so it needs to be fast.
Although I guess reliability is more important than speed.
Well, up to a point.
Although, bulletproof glass wouldn't be bad Damn it, Figgis! You're overthinking this! Oh! Now that is a vehicle.
Let's see Ms.
Archer bitch about that.
You idiot! I gave you one simple job and I looked in her room! And? And she wasn't in it.
Pam, if you want to scuff them that badly, just throw them down the What? Were you not gonna say stairs? Uh, hang on, hang on.
Wait, wait.
Damn it.
I have something for this, it's, um.
.
- Uh I assume it was about that ad with the suitcase and the gorilla.
Ouch.
Which, turns out, was actually a man in a gorilla costume.
Making the comparison even more accurate.
Ow! Seriously.
Let go of me! There, I found her.
Cherlene, please! No, I said! But, Cherlene, listen, I love you.
I will divorce my wife.
You what? Oh, don't act so surprised, Juliana.
It's not like we're in love anymore.
Anymore? We were never in love! And suddenly, I don't feel so bad.
You did before? Oh, my God, you have no idea, it's this ache in the pit of your stomach.
Are you talking about your balls? Yeah, but it's wearing off now.
And I will tell you the same thing I told your father.
I will never give you a divorce! Tell that to the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Oh, wait, you just did.
Wait, you can't be both.
Your William Howard Taft was.
Not at the same time! He absolutely was.
Is that true? I wanna say church and state? When we get home, first thing, we are binge-watching Schoolhouse Rock! You can binge-watch it in hell! Well, if anything, that's heaven.
And you can die knowing that the last man inside of me was Archer.
What? Oh, yeah, so about that Well, I hope it was worth dying for.
Honestly? Right? Well, no, but the first time Honestly? No, the first time.
Goodbye, Mr.
Archer.
Give my regards to William Howard Taft.
No.
No! No! No! Pam? Pam.
Pam, seriously.
Archer? Lana, shut up.
Pam! - Archer, I think she's - I think she's.
.
- Dead.
And now you, Mr.
Archer, can join her in Out law country! I'm gonna go Jerry Lee on your ass! Urn Do you wanna Yes.
Wait, were you gonna say watch? I was gonna say help, but Shut up, did she say she used to be married to Calderon's father? Yeah, that's some messed up shit.
Pam! How are you not dead? 'Cause I'm not a pussy? And also probably 'cause of this.
Is that Cyril's? Yep.
Urn You know they're not reusable, right? Once the fibers get damaged, that's basically just a sweater vest.
Oh, good.
'Cause for a second there, I thought I actually was a pussy.
Hurts, huh? Hey, so Yeah.
Now do you wanna help? Oh, okay, Mother, give me my gun.
I don't have it, I threw it away.
You what? Why would you throw away a perfectly good gun? Because it touched your junk.
How dirty do you think my junk is? As dirty as if it were made of dirt and then got dropped in some different dirt.
And then Pig-Pen came along and kicked it around with his dirty shoes.
Fair enough.
Nobody move! Except you, Juliana.
Let go of Cherlene and throw down the gun.
Now then.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Stop it! Ow! No! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Now then! Cherlene.
Stop this at once.
As your husband, I command you.
My what? Sorry, hang on.
Juliana, I divorce you, but also, I wish you the best of luck in the years ahead, which you will spend in prison.
Cherlene, I now pronounce us husband and wife.
Weddings always get me.
Plus cocaine.
No, we are so not married! Are you Wait, which is it? Literally.
Are you literally insane? No, but my word is literally law.
One of the perks of being a dictator.
You said you weren't a dictator! I lied, okay? But hopefully, our marriage is strong enough that together and over time, we can work through it.
Well, at least he admits he was wrong.
Yeah, 'cause that makes it all better.
When did you get so cynical? - The rest of you are under arrest! - What? Except those of you who are to be executed.
Wait, what? Hey, guys? Urn In which case I would not put a lot of money in my prison canteen account.
lam looking your way, Mr.
Archer.
Wait.
No! Well, then good luck getting any more weapons, you cut-rate Castro! Ha! I don't need them.
As we speak, my scientists are working on a secret weapon.
And soon, I will water our coca fields with the rebels' blood! Gross! I can't believe I married you.
Presidente! Good, yes.
I'm glad you are here.
I've been bluffing the whole time.
Totally out of bullets.
See that? My bad, guys.
That's on me.
Anyway.
Okay now, Comandante, arrest these people.
But, Presidente, the rebels.
They have smashed our counterattack.
They are headed for the palace.
Hurry, we must get you out of here.
Wait, and me.
I'm the first lady! Please, hurry, we have to go before Don’t just stand there, you cowards.
Do something! Oh.
Really? That's obviously not what Don't shoot! Don't shoot! We surrender! Uh, what's that? Yeah.
I couldn't hear you over the sound of this gigantic friggin tank.
You idiot, that's the vehicle you found? I meant a limousine or Jesus God, woman, nothing is ever good enough for you! Right? Please.
Sir.
Accept our surrender.
No, not to him.
He's not the rebels.
Kind of a moot point though, isn't it? What, with the tank and all.
Yeah.
So I hereby I accept your surrender.
Dibs.
I'm in charge.
Cyril, get out of the Sorry, I still couldn't hear you.
Yeah, Cyril, you are sorry, because you still look like an idiot.
You look like, uh Oh, my God.
Hang on, wait, wait.
I actually have something for this.
Mi Mike Ducockless! Oh, boy.
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)