Archer s05e12 Episode Script

Archer Vice: Filibuster

Lana? Lana! Whoa! Jesus Christ, chill out, Miggs! I'm sorry, it's just been so long.
Okay, it's been Oh, my God, you're pregnant again? What? How long have I been down here, left to rot in this godforsaken hole? Like, three weeks.
Seems so much longer than that.
So please tell me that's an entire canard a la presse with a file in it.
Half a chicken, no file, just that weird quasi-cornbread they have here.
Ugh! Why do you even bother? That's weird, I was asking myself the same thing on the way down here.
And then brought crappy food anyway? And then left? No, no, wait.
Come on, Lana.
I'm sorry.
But I'm starting to lose it down here, you gotta make him let me go.
Make him how? Well, I hate to even ask, but Blow him? Your words.
And then what, Archer, you want me to blow the whole army? How is there still an army? How have the rebels not wiped them out already? Because, turns out, he's actually very good at commanding an army.
And as 3rd and 4th Battalion withdraw, here comes 1st Armored, and now the rebels are outflanked.
Sir, it's brilliant.
A classic pincer movement.
Just like Hannibal at the Battle of Cannae.
And also Keith in my Warhammer guild.
So get used to that weird cornbread, 'cause you might be down here Lana, I need a woman's touch.
I'm sorry, Lana.
I said a woman, not a stevedore who lost his hand in a stevedoring accident and then got a hand transplant from an actual bear.
So did you wanna just do it right through the bars, or I mean, we do.
And sometimes, they do.
So in three weeks, you go from you're going to execute Archer to now you guys are swinger pals? Well, I wouldn't say "pals.
" Oh, wow.
Not what you said yesterday.
Oh, come on, that was the pruno talking.
Well, I hate to break up this delightful ménage, but Presidente Cyril wants her back upstairs.
Wait, what? What? Why? Guess.
Ah! Mmm.
Ow! Oh, wait, wait, wait.
What? What? Archer, do you want me to move over one? Eh Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) Ah, Madam First Lady.
So good of you to join me.
It's not as if I had a choice.
Well Nor am I still the first lady.
Well, maybe not technically, since your husband divorced you and then was immediately deposed, by me.
But the situation is, as they say, fluid.
Ugh! I brought her, can I go now? Yes, for the love of God, get out.
I meant home.
What are you, nuts? Cap'n Crunch here just took all the coca fields back from the rebels.
We're sitting on an endless supply.
Of what? Coca leaf smoothies? Oh, my God, that's a coca leaf smoothie.
And they're gross.
It basically tastes like a fart of itself.
But it's better than the cocaine donuts and whipped cocaine she was eating.
'Cause that's just empty calories.
Well, and cocaine.
Which, if I'm being totally honest, I maybe might have a problem with.
And Lana, the rebels still control the airport.
It's their HQ, so unless you want to walk, you can't go home.
And why on earth would you want to? Why bother going back? The U.
government stole your livelihood, forced you to become a criminal.
And I hate to say it, but it's not like you have a man waiting for you.
Iyou know Whereas here, we have everything we need.
It's like San Marcos has been waiting thousands of years for us to arrive.
Lana, this could be our Don't.
Zion, yes.
There, I said it.
Wait, they got weed here, too? That's not what the song's about! Told you.
But I just this second realized why you want to stay down here.
Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.
Is that a reference I should get, or Seriously? Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.
It's from No, you know what? Never mind.
But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.
But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.
Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.
What? Hey.
Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.
It cannot possibly.
Gospel of Luke? Hey.
Ray, you used to be a preacher, you wanna back me up here? I actually don't know, my church didn't really do the New Testament.
The one with Jesus Christ in it.
I mean, I take your word for it, but Hey! Will you idiots get out? I'm trying to talk to the first lady.
Of what, this country, or country music? 'Cause I'm first lady of both! No, you're not.
Outlaw country! Oh, my God, my beautiful and also multi-talented wife.
You are here.
I know, right? It's like, finally.
As in, this is a good thing? Duh! I'm finally gonna get the outlaw country cred I deserve.
Oh, my God, you've always deserved it.
Wait, how does being in jail Paging Doctor Black! Doctor Man In Black! Johnny Cash was in Folsom Prison and San Quentin, so Yeah, to visit.
Hmm? He just played for the prisoners, dummy, he wasn't actually in prison.
But don't worry, we're gonna get out of here and go join the rebels.
Then you and I, my beautiful wife, will live a simple life in the hills, scratching shit food like yams out of the ground with a yam scratcher.
Okay A, start counting backwards from a million years, and when you get to zero, that still won't happen.
And B, how How do we get out of here? Well, we're still fine-tuning it, but We have no plan whatsoever.
Okay good, because I didn't wanna step on anybody's toes, but Byoink! What? Where did you get that? Let's just say I honestly don't know.
Fair enough.
Cyril says the rebel headquarters are Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"? It's where, idiot! The airport! Jesus! And you, sir, will keep a civil tongue in your head when you are addressing the first lady of the government-in-exile of La República de San Marcos.
And also country music.
I facetiously beg milady's pardon.
Oh! Milady facetiously grants it.
Oh, goody.
Now let's steal a car, go join the rebels, then come back here and crush Cyril's stupid army.
You make it sound so easy.
Well, it's Cyril.
Unless he's got a nuclear warhead in his pants Which he totally does.
Which Guys, can we talk about this? The time for talk is kaput, Klon-Bruder.
Now is the time for action.
Clone bone! And by that I mean his, you know Yeah, we Let me finish! Penis.
No, you ruined it.
And by it, I meant the moment.
Not his penis.
I Penis.
Will you shut up? I know what I'm doing.
Yes, but don't do what you are doing.
Are you crazy? This car is worth one quarter of one million dollars.
Well, was.
And did you ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion? I'm fighting the rebels because that is what we do.
My father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels.
So like a family business.
That manufactures oppression.
Well, and cocaine.
In fact Stop! What? That.
If you think we have time.
ls there a tiger? Of course there is a tiger.
Where do you think you are, Tegucigalpa? And so, by the power self-vested in me, I now pronounce us man and wife, and I may also kiss the bride.
Ugh! Second worst wedding ever.
Yeah, but at least nobody died.
Yet! lnappropes.
What is wrong with you? I'm trying to make that a thing people say, like, "Damn, dawg, that's inappropes!" Plus, I think I'm addicted to cocaine.
Well, but look on the bright side.
With any luck at all, it will save me the trouble of killing you myself.
Damn, dawg.
They should've sent a poet.
Oh, and some meat, do we have any meat? Literally tons.
No, I didn't mean another animal.
I meant a steak or some Typical American.
You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in a nice plastic wrap.
Yeah, you're describing meat.
No, no, no.
Meat is blood, and bones, and sinew.
Well, now you're describing not-meat.
Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat, because God made him the boss and all the other animals his food.
Hang on, buddy.
And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism, but I'm not feeding Shane an elephant.
Who the hell is Oh, my God, he's totally a Shane.
So let me bounce this off you guys.
What say we don't launch this giant nerve gas missile at, uh Where did you say you were launching it? Wouldn't you like to know.
I would, actually.
Come on, you guys are acting a little insane.
Do you know what's insane? Yeah, this.
All of it, everything.
The rocket, I'm not really comfortable with the clone bone.
You're not doing it right.
Now move, so I can begin the launch sequence.
Over my dead Body.
Man, that was a jinx, huh? No, no, wait, wait! Hang on! As amazing as it would be, we can't take Shane with us.
Yeah, we can, watch.
No, no, no! No, no, no! Don't! Okay, okay, okay.
Carol, listen to me very closely.
Why, you gonna walk me through your organic method of vaginal hygiene? My what? You're a bigger pussy than Shane.
Come here, boy.
Shane! Do something! Like what? Get him! We're coming, brother! KRIEGER Brother! You bastard.
Brother, the launch sequence.
No! Don't stop! Almost there.
Oh, come on.
Shut up.
Launch sequence initiated.
No! Ha-ha! It doesn't work with a bow Shane! Shane! Shane! Shane? Well, we should've guessed that was gonna happen.
Uh We should've? Well, or at least could've.
I mean Yeah, I guess a leopard can't change his spots.
Uh I don't know that much about leopards.
That was actually a proverb.
That was actually a tiger.
Minutes to launch, 180.
That is a lot longer than I thought it would be.
Okay, when we get to rebel HQ, they might be aggressive at first They wouldn't if we had a damn tiger.
We're not going back.
Unless No.
What if He had his chance! - A what? - A charivari.
Also called a shivaree.
It's that thing where everybody bangs pots and pans outside our room as we consummate? on No.
We're not doing that.
Ow! Ray, my feet are already killing me.
He's probably not used to leading.
You, on the other hand, lead away.
Mind if I Cut in? Yes! No.
Screw you guys, Hey, Krieger! What the hell is going on? Cyril's the new dictator.
Shut up.
And he just married Crazy Tits, and I need a dance partner.
So nobody noticed that I've been missing for three weeks? We figured the vampires ate you.
Wait, what? The what? They're not vampires, they're my clones.
Or I'm their clone, or Oh, please, you and your clone nonsense, it's all a bunch of Holy shit! Why was I not informed of this, Krieger? - If he even is Krieger.
- Huh? What? The real Krieger could be down there.
Oh, for That is just I won't even dignify that with a response.
Urn Uh Pam! Pam? Uh-huh.
I've got a concussion.
And this regular tie means nothing.
I don't like bow ties, so I switched.
Well, you certainly sound concussed.
He sounds like a vampire.
I say we tie him up and let the sun sort it out.
You need to hush.
Minutes to launch, 150.
What? What was that? Tell me that robot's not talking about launching this rocket, Krieger.
Or should we say Count Krieg Ow! Ow! Ah! Cut it out! Ow! God damn it! Ow! Thank you.
Vampire lovers.
Yeah, so, here's the thing.
This is it, rebel headquarters.
Now remember, let me do the talking.
Got it.
I'm serious.
I got it.
Look at me.
I got it! Jesus! Okay.
Then here we go.
Ow! God damn it! You said you'd let me do the Aw So You're saying this gigantic rocket is not only full of deadly nerve gas, but also aimed God knows where? Well, that statement presupposes the existence of God, but Krieger, I am about two seconds away from telling Pam to get a wooden stake.
Yay! I'm not a vampire! Doesn't matter to the stake.
Then, yes.
It's full of nerve gas, and I don't know where it's aimed.
What? What's the range on this thing? I don't know, How far away is the Upper East Side? I don't know, 1,980-something miles? Okay, this is a presidential order from the president.
Shut it down.
I can't.
Can't? Or won't? Can't! Oh.
I didn't hear you.
Ray, can you override the launch sequence? Um Launch sequence accelerated.
Minutes to launch, 90.
Uh It's actually Señor Presidente, but Shh! Hush.
Now I know you've had a fun time as dictator, and we all enjoyed this little break from him.
But Cyril.
And if you tell him I said this, I'll break your friggin' arms, it's Ugh Archer time.
Wha All right.
Krieger, I assume the whatever Doppelkriegers.
I assume they had a lab.
So take Ray and see if you can find some info on how to shut this damn thing down.
We'll go get Archer.
Ooh, and Cherlene! Ooh.
And no.
Because she isn't here.
Argh! Damn it, Archer! Damn you! He can't even let me pretend to be magnanimous while inwardly gloating.
Oh, shut up.
What does the note say? "Hey Cyril! You can suck it, because we have gone to join the rebels.
At the airport.
No, not the airport.
Somewhere else.
" So, airport? But the note says not Well, I guess that settles that.
It's not like we can just waltz into enemy territory and Well, I certainly can't.
Can't, or Both, either, all.
They'd shoot me on sight, Lana.
And if you want Archer so damn bad, you can go get him your Huh.
I didn't think she'd actually do it.
Then you're an idiot.
Oh, I'm the idiot? Yes.
What the Holly? Archer? Rando? Slater? Who the hell is Rando? Him.
That's Sterling Archer.
And I am Cherlene.
The Queen of Outlaw Country.
What the hell are you doing here? I could ask you the same question.
lam asking you the same question.
We came to join the rebels.
What? What's the FBI doing in San Marcos? With a cocaine smuggler.
I'm not FBI, and he's not a Well, technically I am, but We're both CIA.
What? C-I-A.
And we're also the rebels.
And you are in a mundo of caca.
Okay! Listen, stop! Listen to me! Lana? Holly? What's the FBI doing These dickheads aren't FBI, Lana, they're CIA! And also the rebels.
Thought that would get more of a reaction.
Yeah, no, that is, um, news.
Uh But my water just broke.
So Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)