Archer s05e13 Episode Script

Archer Vice: Arrival/Departure

What do you mean your water broke? What do you mean what do I mean, I mean that! I'm going into labor! Wait, what? I'm having a baby? Gross! But it's early, is that early? Like 10 days, but But that's bad, is that bad? Archer, none of this is ideal! - Hey! - What! What the hell are you people doing in San Marcos in the first place? Selling weapons to Calderon! That we got from him! What? What.
What "what," you didn't think that was something I'd like to know about? I'm positive we talked about this.
No, we didn't! When? When did we talk about this? Wait a minute, if the CIA is backing the rebels against Calder Lana! Was that a contraction? Yep.
I hope so.
Time! Start a clock, assholes! Okay Mark! Twain! No, that's barges! Shut up, but, hey, speaking of time What's your Bishop score? How should I Wait, how do you even know what a Bishop score is? I got certified as a doula.
Which, turns out, is not that hard.
Shut up, does the CIA know Calderon has a nerve gas missile at the palace? What the We didn't give him gas! Cool! Well he's got it, and we can't override the launch sequence, so Get that idiot, Calderon, on the phone! Oh, did I mention a tiger ate him? Well not ate, ate Well, no, but by now Jesus God.
Okay, Slater, I know it's a little sooner than we wanted, but Operation Dropkick, roger that.
What's Operation Dropkick? Well, the endgame has always been for us to invade San Marcos, so Hey, Donna, we got a carrier group in the Gulf, right? Wait, if you were going to invade San Marcos then why have you been selling weapons to Calderon? So he could fight the rebels.
Which is you.
Well, technically, they're mercenaries from Honduras and Guatemala, but, yes.
Okay, so am I just stupid, or Duh.
Yeah, airstrike, naval bombardment, amphibious landing, whole megillah.
Calderon needed weapons to fight the rebels, but he didn't have money to buy weapons, he only had cocaine, but Iran was like "No way, cash only," so Iran? Ooh, sorry! Iraq.
Wait, no, Iran.
Doesn't matter who.
Anyway, to buy the weapons, we needed to Monetize the cocaine.
on, my God Join the club.
We've been trying to monetize cocaine for like I mean You even came to the house, where we We've been selling cocaine for the CIA so they could buy arms from Iran? Did we at least free some hostages? No, this was about our annual budget.
What? If we don't spend it this year We can't get an increase next year.
You son of a Oh, come on, Archer, drop the act! He was in on it from day one.
What? What? Lana! Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) You lying son of a bitch! Lana You knew about this the entire time? Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to call in an airstrike here.
Ooh, hey, what's our ride situation? Hang on.
Thanks, doll.
Airstrike on the palace is a go, and I suggest we take Calderon's jet.
Good, yeah, we need plenty of room.
Until we dump them at a black site.
C'mon, even if you people hadn't lost 50 million bucks' worth of our cocaine, you know way too much.
Uh, I don't know anything! I believe that to be literally true.
Whoa! Whoa! Okay! Come on! We give up, don't shoot! Now, then.
Let's get this baby outta me.
Gross! Will you sh - Time? - Nine minutes! What? This is exciting.
Right? Minutes to launch, 60.
Yeah, Krieger, I guess trying to defuse a warhead tipped with deadly nerve gas is technically exciting.
Yeah, right? What is wrong with you? Nothin', Roy.
Or Ray.
- Doesn't matter who.
- Krieger! - Where are we on the missile? - Uh Kinda just like On it.
Oh! Do you mean where are we in the process of disarming it? Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out! Ow! Okay.
What happened? Did it explode? Uh, no, I think we would've heard it-.
Well, it's just a matter of time before it does, with those idiots working on it! We need to leave! Well A, I'm President-for-Life, so I'm not going anywhere, and B Señor Presidente, our radar station has detected incoming bombers! From their heading they appear American! And B And I hate to tell you this But the First Lady and I are having an affair.
Damn, dog.
That was my B.
It's over, Cyril! It's over! Nothing is over! Nothing! You don’t just turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me, I didn't ask you! And I did what I had to do to win! But somebody wouldn't let us win! Yes, and that somebody is a US Navy carrier group, so let's go already! Okay, but I'm taking these.
We're taking everything! Furs, jewels, the silverware, bullion Anything you can cram in a suitcase! Wouldn't bullion leak out of a Ow! Ow! Cut it Ow! God damn it! I Ow! Gold bullion, you idiot! I don't know what that is! And I don't know who you think you are! You are not robbing my palace! Oh, yes, we are, and if you've got any sense you'll fill your pockets, too! Because your regime is officially over.
And I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar, and this is how it ends.
In the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint.
Because then the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head, is Ivan's laugh What in the name of God is funny? You said you've seen cooze.
Aw All the gardeners are running away.
Because this entire country's about to be up to its tits in US Marines! And unless you people wanna wind up classified as enemy combatants Six minutes! Doing great, buddy.
Gotta remember to breathe, though, that's Get out, you lying sack of bastard.
Okay, A! He and Mother are the lying sacks of bastard! I didn't know it was the CIA's cocaine! And B Seriously, buddy, let's try and work on that breathing.
What's wrong with her? She's having a baby! Gross.
Doing good, buddy! Archer! If you call me "buddy" again, I will put the bullets in your body by hand.
Shh And we're breathing There we go.
Okay, Carol! What? Jesus! What is your problem? Morphine, want, find, give! Shh.
C'mon, Lana, you don't need that.
How dare you tell me what I Shut up.
Okay, Carol, I need you to look down there and gimme a sit-rep.
Down where? There, down there, at her Ew! No! You do it! - I'll do it! - Shut up! I can't look down there, because there's, like, a 100% chance that at some point in the future we're going to have sex, so Who? Shh.
So just look down there and I'm not looking at her goddamn va Joinks! Well, you don't need to shave.
- That thing is "smoove.
" I - Thank you.
And also kinda mauve.
I'd say more of a mauve-taupe? Ow! Breathe, bu Breathe, friend.
Because Wow.
Okay Minutes to launch Six.
Where the Okay, I have some thoughts on this.
Really? Yes.
Which are? Oh! Okay, so, I don't think we can disarm this thing.
Really? Yes.
Oh! Okay, so, it doesn't have an explosive payload, so it's basically just a flying trash can.
The only dangerous part is the nerve gas.
I'm listening Roger that, flight deck Um Range 150, ETA, 12 minutes.
Hey, is your dad still big into tapas? My what? Oh, no, that wasn't my dad.
Well, who was it? Doesn't matter who.
Because these trunks feel light! Do you swear they're full of cocaine? As God is my witness! God hates you.
Open 'em up.
Would you two come on? On what? Ugh.
Do you hear that? If we get out of here alive I'll buy you all new cocaine! And a pony! You heard her, Cyril, that is legally binding! Yeah, we'll stop at a notary.
There's no time! Hey, hi, do you people hear that? After the airstrike on the palace you won't able to swing a dead cat around here without hitting a Marine.
Plus, if you did, I bet they'd smash your teeth down your stupid throat.
Lana, I need to borrow your weapon No! I will see you in hell first! I Okay, Carol, grab that one.
- Private Me, reporting for sploosh.
- Ugh.
Take Tweedledick and Tweedleballs, go get the jet ready for takeoff Outlaw country! Let me finish! What? And make sure they don't escape.
Oh, my God, good thing you added that last part.
You heard the doula! Move it! And get me some frickin' morphine! Lana, c'mon, what kind of doula would I be if I let you have mor Wha Wow! And some ammo! You were really gonna shoot me in the face ls that so much to ask? Uncle.
Uh Friend of the family.
Drop it.
We should get to the shelter soon.
You coward.
But, wha I've never loved you.
But what if the rebels recognize me? If Yeah! And then drag him out of the car and kneel him down and shoot him in the back of the head and string him up on a lamppost like Mussolini! Yeah, what then? That's a chance I'm willing to take.
Me too.
Cyril, look out! Cyril! Hi, guys! What the hell are you idiots Oh, come on, we couldn't leave it in the rocket And we couldn't just leave it lying in the road C'mon, you don't want a thing like that falling into the wrong hands.
"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing.
" Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.
Well, Edmund Burke, but Doesn't matter who.
Dude! Drop it! I'm not gonna judge you! The ordnance, Mike.
Drop the ordnance.
Cyril, for God's sake, be careful! Would you shut up? I know how to Idiot.
Uh What the Lana? Archer! What are you doing? I'm trying to get the stupid angle right, Lana! So you can look in the mirror, and see if you're crowning! For the love of Christ! Mother, hey, go over there and tell me if you can Get! Out! And, Pam, get in here! No.
No Shh.
Everything's all right.
All right, now, Pam, I want you to You know how many times I've helped a cow give birth in the barn? Plus one time my sister, Edie? Well, she couldn't have it in the house Long story.
A long, racist story.
I had black guy, what'd y'all have? Ugh, I wasn't in the sperm donor pool! - Wait, are we still doing phrasing? - Huh.
Should I be in there? I feel like I should.
I mean, l am a doctor No, you're not.
No, you're not.
Well, no, but A student of life.
What the What now? I have cigarettes if you want 'em! No, Ray, I just feel like smashing stuff.
Jesus, I feel so helpless out here! What if something goes wrong? What if there's a birth defect or No, no, no, stop, no, what if there aren't enough hands and feet? Shh, it's going to be Oh, my God! What if there're too many hands and feet? ls that worse or Hey! I have the correct number of hands, but they're currently kinda full and you need a slappin', so Wait Oh, please.
Like you're the only one who ever had a baby in a war zone.
Ya know Okay, okay, okay.
Get some hay ready to dry this little bastard off because now you are gonna push! No, no, no, no, no, what if we Ow! You old bitch! Now move that big, fat, smelly ass, you hear? A Day No Pigs Would Die? Anybody? Not a big Robert Newton Peck crowd, huh? Who is Oh, shut up, now push! Lana! Hey, hey, c'mon, they've got this.
Well! It's a girl! Aww.
And whoever had black guy, pay up.
Oh, shit.
God damn it! Yep.
Got ourselves a little quadroon.
You did good, kiddo.
Yeah Oh.
And, uh I quit.
What? Why? Because you lying to me I can handle.
I'm used to that, but Not Archer.
Oh, for He didn't know that I made a deal to sell cocaine for the CIA.
Lana Kane.
You have known me for a long, long time.
When have I ever been honest with Sterling? Huh.
Now, if you two will excuse me, I need to go threaten and/or bribe some federal agents.
Well at least put a seatbelt on it! See? What'd I tell you! I thought it was just for takeoff and landing! Jesus Christ So, how's she doing? She's fine.
I told her you didn't know anything about the CIA deal.
Well, thanks for telling the truth, Mother, sure that was hard for you.
You keep it up, mister, and I'll walk right back in there and tell her the whole thing was your idea! Did you guys hear that? No.
All right, Holly, this is my offer and it is non-negotiable You think she's buyin' more coke? Ugh! You and your stupid, stupid cocaine! Can't you give her a brain chip? A what? A brain chip? Like you gave Cherlene so she could become a country singer? No, that wasn't a brain chip.
It was just the sticker off the backpack of a little LEGO spaceman.
What? A LEGO sticker? Woah.
So my whole life all I ever had to do was believe in myself? And inject a sticker into my brain? Are you out of your mind? Are you? Showing up at the mansion, pretending to search for the cocaine? While planting the seed in your idiot son's brain about selling it overseas.
Which I could have handled if the CIA had kept its fat nose out! And yet here we are, with a $50 million hole in our account! There's 40 of it.
An original Ivan Blitko we stole from Calderon.
What am I supposed to do with that? Gosh, I don't know, what am I supposed to do with a canister of nerve gas? No, uh-uh, that is now CIA property.
Ooh, and won't that be a feather in your cap.
They might even make you director.
Or at least deputy ops Which, and I'm just spitballing here, would mean you could outsource a good deal of business to a private firm.
Like ISIS.
So, you lose us $50 million and you wanna get on the CIA payroll? Right after you renovate my offices.
Ha! You really are out of your mind! Or right after I take this deal to your partner in the cockpit So what's your deal? What's my deal? Never mind.
because you suddenly decided to take up skydiving.
I think we may have a deal here.
Knock-knock? Who's there? Shit, I had something for this.
Come see the baby, stupid.
I had black guy.
Yeah So, about that I don't think it's racist, it's just Archer, shut up.
You shut up.
Okay, so, remember when you had cancer? Um, uh, vaguely.
Well, we all thought you were gonna die, and one night you got really drunk and we almost had sex, and right before you passed out you told me Malory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr.
Feldman's office and I was, like, "Huh.
Weird," and then you didn't die and then a few years went by, and I starting thinking about having a baby but I was single, and all the other stuff aside, physically you're an amazing human being, and all the other, other stuff aside I do actually love you And so here's this viable sample just sitting there at Dr.
Feldman's whose security system is a joke, by the way, and so, I guess it maybe wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life, but Archer? Archer.
Archer! What's that? Wait, wait.
Huh? What? You okay? Yeah, sorry, for a second I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago.
Lana? Am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago? No.
Lana? Am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago? No.
Then what are you Baby, what is she saying? Baby? Baby.
Baby! Sterling Archer, I'd like you to meet your daughter Abbiejean.
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
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