Archer s06e04 Episode Script

Edie's Wedding

What's wrong? My-my-my-my-- Pam.
Pam! My-my-my-my-- sis-sis-sis-sis-- Hold this.
Ow! God dammit, dude.
Well, I'm sorry, but I've got other shit to do today.
Now, what the hell is wrong with you? My sister Edie is getting married to Don Ekblad, Jr.
of all people, and she asked me to be a bridesmaid.
Um I should be maid of honor, dicknuts, but no, guess who she asks instead? Uh Midge Olerud! No! Yes.
Midge "Hey Edie, "let's me and you blow Pam's boyfriend Arn behind the goddamn grain elevator" Olerud! You had a boyfriend named Arn? Well, he didn't know I liked him, but-- Midge and Edie did.
Pam! Okay, Jesus.
Calm down, Ike Turner.
I don't want to show up with a black eye.
Not a real diverse crowd, huh? Eye, idiot, eye.
Although, no.
Not a lot of black guys in rural Wisconsin.
And, I don't want to sound racist, but-- Power through it.
A black guy would be better than no date, which is what I'm taking now.
When is it? Saturday.
Day after tomorrow.
Screw it, I'll go.
Really? Really, really, really? Yeah, why not? Oh, man.
Wait till they see-- Wait, that's how you ask a woman out? Yes.
Wait, no, I don't need a back-story.
Yes you do.
Shut up.
You're Gordon Shumway, and you own a 500-acre dairy farm in upstate New York, with 600 Holsteins and two Herringbone milking parlors.
Okay, A, that's Alf's name, and two, what's more impressive, a pathetic cheese farmer or the world's greatest secret agent, A.
K.
A.
, me, Sterling Archer.
Oh, yeah.
Attention, now boarding flight 934, to Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Come on, Archer, that's us.
Flight 934, to Greenbay, Wisconsin.
Yeah, you're booked through to New York.
Will you be needing anything else? Huh? Oh, is there a place that sells down jackets and thermal underwear? I'm, uh, what do you call it? Coldblooded.
Archer? Archer? Archer? Have you seen Archer? Did you look in here? I-- that is what I'm doing now.
Then, I guess go look everywhere else.
You know Starting with Dick-cheese, Wisconsin.
Excuse me? Him and-- He and Whomever, and Whoever, and If you wake this child, I will climb inside you with my shoes on.
He and Pam are at her sister's wedding.
In Wisconsin? Happy? No, no, no, he's got her all weekend.
I'm going upstate for SERE school.
So take her with you.
To survival school? Big whoop, hang her in a bear bag.
So Mallory Nope.
Ron and I are going to our house in the Hamptons, and, trust me, it would be no place for a baby.
You're back together? Like, for real? And happier and stronger than ever.
Try not to burn the place down.
And you, my tweedy widdle-- What, are your boobs full of corn syrup? Excuse me? Feel that, she feels chubby.
She's a baby.
A fat widdle baby, yes you are, yes you are.
You're fat widdle baby.
Fast forward to me buying her liposuction for graduation.
I hope you do burn this place down.
She said not to.
She said try not to.
You're kidding.
How either, in this universe, or any of it's infinite parallels, could I possibly embarrass you? By dressing like a maitre D' on a dinner cruise for gay Republicans? That's a thing? I don't know, but you don't want Edie dogging you out in front of the entire school.
The entire what? Rehearsal dinner.
Shut up.
Come on, what happened? Did she dump pig's blood all over you at the prom? No, not pig's blood.
Wait, what? Hang on, did she really? Oh my God, Pam You look amazing.
Really? I mean, you know, relatively.
Shit-ass.
But you've got to pace me, I'm sewn into this sumbitch.
So for every ounce that goes in, an ounce gotta go out.
So, diuretics? And watch this there's a sundae bar.
What could possibly go wrong? Who the shit is that? Is it Barry? Does that mean Barry possibly, literally froze his nuts off in the wheel-well of a 747 so he could murder the shit-eating Archer? Yes it does, other Barry.
Oh, yes.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
Uh, wow.
You have got to be Edie.
Uh, I'm Archer, uh, Pam's boyfriend.
Bullshit, my asshole.
Pam, hon? Edie's here.
And you will be civil and polite.
And you will not let her push your-- Spamela! Get your fat ass out here.
Uh, she should be right out, she's-- Yikes.
Guess I should get in there and break that up.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait! Yeah, come on.
You coming? No, but hey, I know it's late notice, and I really hate to ask, but would you mind keeping A.
J.
for the-- What? I'm hitting door open.
You can't see it, but I really am.
Oh, my God, it's just like maximum overdrive.
Ray! Lana! On Monday let's talk about how scary this was for me.
God dammit! Let me go! No, now just calm-- Let me go! Shit, she's gonna-- Jesus Christ, woman! Whoo! God dammit! Happy? Less than I was, to be honest.
When? When you were chugging balls behind whatever gay strip joint she hired you at? Whoa.
Told ya, it's that jacket.
First of all, Pam, shut up.
I'm not the one who chugs balls behind buildings, and even if I were, they wouldn't belong to that dude Arn.
Oh God, you told him about Arn? Arn didn't even know she was alive.
Okay, you know what? Besides what Arn's balls taste like? I-- Ah! I am out of here.
Pam, wait! Wow, and here I thought she was kidding about the pig's blood.
No It was-- it was calf's blood.
Stupid, frickin' Edie.
I'll show her what Arn's balls taste like.
Wait, what the? Barry? Hey You.
Hello? Krieger? You in here? Hey, you! What can I do you for? So, hey, um, Archer totally flaked on me.
Mallory and Ray are being lame, and Cheryl is-- Cheryl.
So I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
Yep, yep, yep, but, first, who is this little person? Um, A.
J.
, my baby, who I've had for, like, six months, who you've met.
Mm-kay.
Ooh, and who also has a poopy diaper.
Great Bacchus plateau, it works! What? What does? The k-9000 infrasonic pulse rifle.
What do you mean? What does it do? I assume you're familiar with the brown note? I am not.
What? The brown note, the frequency that makes humans shit their pants, or their onesie.
I'm pretty sure that was a coincidence.
That's what they said about Tesla's death ray.
So, this favor Lana? Wait, Lana.
What's the favor? Just promise to use your powers for good! No.
Yes.
No.
Clean the jizz out of your ears, jizz-ears.
I'm getting married tomorrow, so tonight at my rehearsal dinner, I get all you can eat prime rib and bottomless vin rogue.
Gimme that.
Put it down.
We are going to go find Pam, and then you are gonna apologize for hurting her feelings.
Why do you care? You're just a-- wait.
Are you really her boyfriend? Mm-hm.
Oh, and a secret agent, so And, not only am I a secret agent, I am the world's greatest secret agent.
Mm hello? Jesus, Archer.
You're not even the greatest secret agent in that room.
Actually, Barry, that's where you're-- Wait! Barry? Hey, dummy.
How did you get-- where are you? How did you even know I was here? Uh, I followed you.
What do you mean, you followed me? Okay, that's obviously your abusive ex-boyfriend, so I'm just gonna tip on out.
I was on my way to New York to kill you, when I saw you in Chicago, idiot, and now you are gonna follow me.
That is, if you ever wanna see your buddy-- uh-- wait, what was your name? Your worst frickin' nightmare.
Pam? Oh right, yeah, it's Pam.
Anyway, if you don't wanna spend the next year signing for packages full of her head and feet and shit, meet me out by the old grain elevator.
Pam says Edie knows where it is.
Now, you listen to me, Barry, you-- Barry! God damn, son of a cyborg bitch! What, he give you anal warts? He kidnapped your sister, you jerk! What? Who'd wanna kidnap Pam? I'll tell you in the car.
Come on! Look, I know you're bitter 'cause you people can't get married or whatever, but all you care to eat prime rib! Well, Edie, I was almost half-way hoping it wouldn't come to this.
Come to what-- Hello? Lana? No What are you still doing here? I thought you had Rambo sleepaway camp.
SERE school, and I did, but Archer hosed me, and I don't have a sitter.
Oh, well you should have asked-- I asked everybody, even Krieger.
I-- wow, so you'd ask Krieger to watch your baby before you'd ask me? I didn't, well-- that would be weird.
Weirder than the guy trying to make some kind of ejaculation ray? No, it's a pants-shitting ray.
Okay, well, then, that's new, but-- Cyril, look-- How about this? I'll drive you both upstate, and get us a motel room.
What? For A.
J.
and me.
While you run around the woods eating snails and beetles.
That way if you get anxious about being away from her, we're right there.
This is weird.
Why is this weird? Because what kind of sick bastard travels with duct tape and rope? No, we actually made a couple of stops while you were knocked out.
Had to get more Tom for the Collins-- Oh, and also rob a gun store.
Wait, what? Well, technically, burgle.
How long was I out? Mm 20 minutes? Dammit! Yeah, that is not good for you.
No, turn around dick-nuts, I can still make the rehearsal dinner.
After we rescue Pam.
Now, shut up.
Oh, and un-shut up for a second.
Is this the way to the grain elevator? Ah oh, yeah, right down that road.
Take a left.
Take a left! Even for me, that was pretty lucky.
Wa-hoo! Rental car! There we go.
Looking good, Barry.
Well, thanks, other Barry.
Archer comes in to save her, and boosh! K-k-k-kill zone! So you're just bug-nuts crazy, huh? Crazy like a fox! Who's bionic! And, whose fiance dumped him, for literally the dumbest guy in Russia? Who want waffle? I forget to make waffle.
Oh, and just so you know, my worst nightmare, which is actually recurring, is me and Santa Claus getting chased through the snow by Lurch from the Adam's family.
Uh, why did you tell me that? Exactly.
Piece of shit rental.
You drive like aegg.
I-- no, I don't, and also, shut up because right now I'm going to explain what cyborgs are, and why they're a threat, to our entire way of life.
I mean, not now, obviously.
But, someday.
Someday soon I am gonna re-hit that.
Huh? Hm? Hey, you.
Hello.
Wait.
Who's laws of what's its? Asimov's three laws of-- look, never mind.
They don't even apply to Barry because he's a frickin' cyborg.
Archer Come out and play.
Ugh, and also a gaping, prolapsed anus.
So, grain elevator.
Besides a place to blow farmers, what's the point? To store grain, dumbass.
Yeah, but you elevator it way the hell up there, then-- wait, cows don't go up there to eat it, do they? Oh my God, no! It's gravity fed back down to trucks and trains and shit.
Which are on the ground.
Yes! See where I'm going with this? Why not make it horizontal, so the cows can just walk up and eat whenever? So just a mile long trough of grain getting rained on all the damn time.
I, well, no, it'd have a, like a a salad bar roof on it, you idiot.
Said the dumb waiter.
Get it, Archer? As in, you're dumb, and you dress like a waiter.
Told ya! God dammit, Pam, this is exactly what a man should wear to a-- Holy shitsnacks! What the-- Pam? Yeah, and just a heads up-- Whoa! Dammit, Pam.
How about a-- Oh, wait by heads up, did you mean--? Seriously, Barry, why all the anger? Because Katya broke up with me! Too soon? Edie, cut me down! Oh, wow, where to start? Even in a new dress, you look like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.
The whole town thinks you're a giant asshole for moving to New York City.
You can just say New York.
Oh, and dad was right, you'll never find a husband unless you convince a blind man you're a seeing eye pig! I meant cut me down from here! Yeah.
Duh.
But you know you're no prize, right? Excuse me? He said-- Archer! Do something! Flower box.
Shot gun.
Ow.
Hey, track suit, if anybody's gonna choke my sister's bitch neck, it's gonna be me.
What are you doing? What you got a little shot gun? Huh? Yeah, remember right now? When I'm a frickin' cyborg? Barry, just for you, I got explosive ammo.
You what now? Jesus Christ, you could have killed me! Shut up! Huh, I mean, I'm not a doctor, or, a robotisist, but, uh, that can't be good.
So, hey, why don't we all do this-- Oh, God.
Oh! Forgot what I was gonna say.
So, thank you For? Saving your life? I thought you were thanking me for dropping those truth bombs.
What? You'll never find a husband.
So, you really think he's dead? Only one way to be sure.
Hello? I'm sorry, what? Shut up, no, uh-uh.
No! What are you saying, Don? Sir, sir, over there.
Is that a man? Yeah, you're damn right it is.
Hey, but slow down, though, we're, hey--! Jesus Christ, Arn.
Huh.
I think I got a blowjob out here once.
A what? I'm sorry, did you say a blowjob? What? Yes! Of course it's off, Don! So, apparently, Don over-served on vin rogue, and increasingly impatient for his bride-to-be's arrival at the rehearsal dinner, let Midge Olerud suck him off behind the sundae bar! Too soon? So thank you, Pamela, for ruining my wedding.
Oh, and also, my life.
You ruined my life! Are you happy? Yes.
All I wanted.