Archer s06e05 Episode Script

Vision Quest

Jeez, LaRue, can you believe this? A mandatory meeting at 7:00 A.
M.
? Wonder what crawled up her butt.
Ugh, there's no telling.
Our bodies are aswarm with microscopic organisms, Pam.
Literally aswarm.
Wait.
What? What have you heard? About the staff meeting? Oh, right.
Yes.
Never mind.
Then may I suggest we get up there, so we don't have to find out what "grave consequences" means.
It means-- In the context of her memo.
Jesus, what's up his butt? I think the important thing now is that we don't start any sort of panic.
Hurry up, ya ding-dongs! Wait, wait, wait! I'm coming! Hurry up.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, keep your panties on.
One step ahead of you.
Or am I? Wait.
Is Archer blowing this off? No.
Hold the door.
Hold the door! I am.
It's not doing anything.
Damn it, Ray, hold the frickin' door! Oh, no! It's maximum overdrive all over-- Oh, good.
You made it.
Look, Ray, one is red and one is green.
What are you, color blind? I am, actually.
Typical.
Of what? So, does anybody have any idea what this meeting is about? Well, if I know Ms.
Archer, it's-- Butt bugs.
What? Not what I was-- Ugh! That was a figure of speech.
They all are! Hey, will you quit yelling? Will you? Yes! Hey! Remain calm.
Do not panic.
No one's panicking, Krieger.
Only because they haven't hatched yet.
Who? What hasn't hatched? What? Quit yelling! Krieger, what hasn't hatched? I've said too much.
Krieger, I swear to-- Oh, my God.
Remain calm.
Do not panic.
Krieger, shut up.
See? It's broken.
Ray? Archer? Hang on.
Ray, Cyril, give me a hand here.
Lana What? You-- Should be doing this.
You know Oh, my God! We work in a coal mine? Carol, shut up.
You're not my coal mine supervisor! Yeah.
Hey, guys? Oh, damn it.
What? What is it? Well, thanks to Ray, who let's just all assume broke the elevator somehow, we're stuck at the top.
I hope.
Hello! Hello! Stop it.
No one else can hear you, because no one else is here yet.
Not that other people actually work here.
What do you mean? Where'd they go? Remember when the office shut down, and we spent an entire year as coke dealers? What, so people just quit? And on the subject of things that don't work here anymore, my phone.
Uh, got nothing.
I am sans bars.
Yeah, you're not gonna get a signal.
I installed an R.
F.
jammer on the roof.
Of the building? No, of the elevator.
Why? You did what? And for what possible reason? So people would quit staring at their phones and talk to each other.
Okay, well, then let's open the-- One, two, three, go! Trap door! Ray, open the trap door.
He can't.
Wha-- Oh, my God! Cyril, please.
I am way stronger than you.
That being said, this thing's stuck.
It's not stuck, it's locked from the outside.
Wait.
What? It's not for stranded passengers to get out, it's for rescue crews to get in.
The last thing they want is people crawling around on top of a malfunctioning elevator car.
Who is "they"? Big elevator.
Not a thing.
And why do you know so much about elevators? I don't know.
It's a hobby.
I guess I've just always been fascinated by them.
I honestly have no response to that.
Anyway, I bet the top of the car smashed right into the motor, so-- Yeesh.
Hope the radio jammer's okay.
Ow! Ow! Ow, ow! Ow! Thanks, Krieger.
I think we all needed that.
And besides, we don't need cell phones.
We have a-- Elevator phone! Cyril, try that.
I am, if you'd shut up.
Oh, gross! This phone is all sticky.
Yeah, mine at home gets bad sticky.
Ew.
Of course it does.
And since when are you elevator boss? Birth? And It's dead.
Typical.
Okay, Ray.
Interface.
I'm sorry? With the controls.
Beep, boop, boop, boop! Come on, cyborg.
R2-D2 it.
"R2-D2 it.
" Yeah, probe around in there and whatever.
Shut down the tractor beam.
With what, my dick? I-- however you normally do it.
I don't normally do it! I know, but this is an emergency.
Hey! Hey! Damn it, Carol.
There's nobody-- Shut up, stupid.
It's Milton! Go get help, boy.
There's no time! Go get help! Get help how? It's a toaster.
Well! Well, at the very least, maybe he'll bring back toast.
And speaking of toast, I don't know about you guys, but I didn't eat any Breakfast.
Hey, hey, wait a second.
Get your own goddamn bear claw! Cyril, what is that? Is that a bagel? No.
Get off.
Jeez, it's just napkins.
Guys, get the napkins! Okay, let's just take it down a n-- Shut up! We're all gonna starve! Give me Get away! Guys, come on.
Knock it off, please.
Easy! Hey! Hey! Pam, stop that.
Everybody calm-- Asshole! What the hell? I'm sorry.
Seriously, I'm sorry.
I sincerely apologize for doing that.
Archer, if you do that again-- I swear to God I won't do it again.
Please don't.
You're listening for once.
That being said, I swear to God I will do it again.
Asshole.
Ray, shut up! Cyril, let's get that sweater vest off, buddy.
I'm sorry? I know, but nobody makes you wear them.
I-- why do you want it? As, like, a tablecloth or whatever.
We're all gonna put our food and drink in the middle, and then I'll be in charge of rationing it out.
No.
Why do you think you would be in charge? Because I've been lost at sea.
What? I was lost at sea, Lana, and we had to ration the food and water.
Well, we should have.
I actually ate it all while the other guy was asleep.
Why would you tell us that story? If anything, that proves my point.
People like me are exactly why we have to ration our food and water.
People like you, who? The strong, like me and you and Pam, who will naturally prey on the weak, like the rest of them.
Maybe we should pool it together.
We don't know how long we're gonna be in here.
Yeah, give it up, weakie.
Pam, shut up.
I'll start.
Here'smaybe six ounces of Bourbon.
If Cyril would hurry it up already! For the love of God, will you just-- Okay.
Wait a minute.
How exactly is this supposed to work? It puts the vest on the floor! We put food and drink on the vest! Yeah, but where on the floor? There's no room.
It'll get kicked over.
Okay, so we tie the vest into, like, a pouch, and-- For God's sake, man, it has no sleeves.
Plus the food'll just fall out the neckhole.
Well, then it's official.
The sweater vest is literally good for nothing.
Hey, you know what? Besides how to dress like an adult? Well, that's the only thing you do like an adult.
Burn! Yeah.
Total burn.
I hope I don't start crying later when I'm driving an automobile to or from a bar! After having sex with a prostitute.
Which is the most adult thing a person could possibly do! I like him in vests.
Me too.
Yeah.
It works for him.
Well, thanks, ladies.
That's-- No.
No.
Shut up.
I need to think.
About what? Look, this isn't that hard, people.
We've got a bagel, four coffees, a quart of beer-- A quart? This a fawty, shawty! Thanks, Omar.
And on top of that, we've got, I'm guessing, two flasks of bourbon.
I didn't know if I'd have time for lunch.
And, Krieger? Coffee? Uh, no.
Tea? No.
What is it, soup? Define "soup.
" Oh, good lord! Would it be safe to say nobody here wants to eat what's in your thermos? Sweet Jesus God, I would hope so! Okay, so how about we all agree to hold on to our food and drinks for now, if for no other reason than-- Pam! Pam! Come on! Pam, stop it! Oh, God! That wasn't just bear claw.
What did you eat for breakfast? Linguine and clam sauce.
Oh, God! What, did you wake up on the docks? But I don't know about those clams, though.
As I was saying, before you, Pam, drank a third of a gallon of malt liquor, maybe we shouldn't eat or drink too much, because-- Yes, Pam? I have to pee.
Come on! Of course you do.
You just drank a 40! That's what I was trying to say.
I'm not a frickin' mind reader.
Yeah.
In her defense, you didn't finish.
Yeah.
Pam, shut up.
I have an idea! Okay.
Wait.
Does it have anything to do with our current situation? Yes.
Okay, what is it? We are stuck in an elevator.
The idea, not our current situation.
Well, I'm not a frickin' mind reader! Oh, my God, what if I am? Then I guess you'd know what we're all thinking right this very minute.
Okay.
You want a drink, you want to lecture us, you want more bear claws, you want to smoke, you want to masturbate, and you're scared that we'll figure out you're actually just a Krieger clone.
What? That's-- That's all just common sense.
How is it common sense that she thinks I want to masturbate? Come on, Cyril.
For most of us, she just rattled off our obvious addictions.
I'm not addicted to lecturing people.
Oh, come on.
That's All right.
And what are you laughing at, stroker ace? I'm not addicted to masturbating! Cyril, come on.
Hand on the Bible, lie detector, gun to your head, you don't want to masturbate right now? Well, not in this elevator.
Well, I want to drink, so And I want to smoke, so So Cyril ought to be able to jack it.
Pam, shut up.
Well, we tried.
And just where, exactly, were you hoping to smoke that cigarette? Magnum P.
I.
's house.
But since I'm stuck in here with you people Hey! What the shit, woman? The shit is that I am breastfeeding, so you will not smoke in this elevator! You want to bet? Do you? They're both addicted to gambling.
And you're just a regular Sylvia Browne.
I also have extreme claustrophobia.
Psst, Cyril.
Try to rub one out.
I do not want to masturbate! Oh, for-- Not even watching that? Hey! Guys, come on! Hey! Get your hands o-- Aah.
I'm serious.
I cannot stress this enough.
You do not want tinnitus.
How about cirrhosis? Probably not that either.
Now, then.
Carol, you had an idea? Are you a mind reader, too? No.
You told us that you had one.
What? Oh, right.
Yes.
We all jump up and down at the same time to unjam this stupid thing, and then it plummets down into the basement, and we boing into that giant spring at the bottom of the elevator shaft, and then are safe.
So, suicide pact.
An oldie but a goodie.
Should we vote? Who's in? Uh-uh.
No.
No.
Not doing that.
No.
That works.
I've heard about people doing that.
You just want an excuse to wet your pants.
I don't need an excuse.
Yeah, what is this, Soviet Russia? It-- wait.
Are you seriously asking? I mean Krieger, what's the deal? Would that really work? Wha-- you're asking the guy with a thermos full of human being soup? It's-- that's not even-- if-- What is this, Soviet Russia? Right? Oh, my God.
Cyril, shut up.
You shut up! Krieger, would that work? Huh.
Maybe? Maybe? What do you mean, maybe? Look, first of all, there's no giant spring at the bottom.
It's a hydraulic buffer, but you don't want to be in the elevator when it slams into it.
No, but at the last second, you just jump up in the air.
How would you know when to jump? Because you'd give me a lecture on it.
Burn! Ray! She burned her.
I know, but-- No.
Shut up, because here's the thing-- safety brakes.
That's actually what Elisha Otis invented.
Not the elevator itself, but the safety brakes to stop it.
It was too bad they couldn't stop diphtheria.
So wait.
Would the brakes stop us? Maybe? Ugh! Oh, my God! Come on! Look, I don't know if they were damaged in the crash.
Okay, but what's the worst case? Worst case is we die.
Impaled on your boner.
I do not have an erection! Well, maybe not now, but say you get a severe head injury on impact.
Boom! Priapism! Meanwhile, your bodies are smashing around in here like crash dummies, until, one at a time, you are each impaled on my priapic erection.
Yeah.
Like meat at a Brazilian steakhouse! Ugh, please don't talk about food.
Yeah, I am figuratively starving.
For meat or Cyril's priapism? Both.
I can't take it! I am smoking! Ray! Ow! Get your foot off my lighter! Ray, I am serious.
God damn it! I'll put my mouth right up next to the hole and blow into it.
Err! Fine, but-- Wait a minute.
Well, then I'm peeing.
Where? I think I can get it all back in here.
No, you can't! Wait a minute.
Everybody stop now.
What? Two things.
One, I really think we need to have a serious talk about getting phrasing back in the mix.
Let it go.
Fine.
Whatever.
No more phrasing.
What was thing two? Oh, nothing.
I'm just having a stroke.
No, you're not.
It's Milton! He came back! Milton! There you are! What the-- God damn it, Pam! Oh, no, no, no! For the love of God, woman! I thought the hole was bigger.
I mean Ugh, it's soaking wet down here Get it, get it, get it before it gets on me! With what? There's nothing to wipe it up with.
A-ha! Maybe it is good for something.
Are you crazy? That's cashmere! Wh-- oh, my God.
Sorry.
What, so it's non-absorbent? Lana, it's cashmere.
There are rules.
I'm sorry, Cyril.
I didn't know.
Aw, son of a bitch! What's wrong? Guess we can go ahead and use my suit pants.
You can just say "pants.
" Pam wet your pants.
It's still basically everywhere! And if it gets on my suede boots-- Okay! Jeez! Why aren't you wearing underwear? What? Serious shit, did red dawn happen and nobody told me about it? Ne tak li? There! Happy? No.
No.
Yes.
Yeah.
Hey, and over here, too, because if it gets on these boots, I will not be responsible for my actions.
Right? Isn't it just so liberating? Hey, what's Milton doing? What do you-- He's making toast! I want to see! Well, too bad, I'm in the hole! Stop torturing me! Stop torturing me! Oh, for-- Ray, take a picture of him! Where's my stupid phone? In Soviet Russia-- Pam? --Toaster take picture of you.
Doesn't even make sense.
It makes perfect sense.
You don't make sense.
It totally does.
The K.
G.
B.
bugs your apartment.
They put a camera in-- All right! Jesus Christ! Holy shit! What? I've got a signal! Yeah, I got, like, half a bar! Call 911! Call 911! In Soviet Russia-- Pam, stop it! Ser'yezno.
Yeah, seriously.
911 operator.
What is your emergency? Hello! Can you hear me? Hello? I can barely hear you.
I'm trapped in an elevator! I'm sorry? You said you are trapped in an elevator? Wh-- yes! Ma'am, you have no call to get snippy with me! "Ma'am.
" And for the record, being stuck in an elevator is not an emergency.
So I suggest you call your super.
No, no, no, no! Oh, call her back and tell her Carol's got crippling claustrophobia.
Wait.
What? Oh, Jesus! God damn it! 911 operator.
What is your emergency? I'm stuck in an elevator-- Ma'am, pranking 911 is a felony! I-- I am blocking this number! No, no, no, no! "Ma'am"! Oh, my God.
We need this, too.
We do kind of.
"Ma'am.
" Plus plus, you're covered in piss.
Ray! Ray, call Malory! Yes, call that person.
Yes, do that.
Wait.
Call who? Malory! I bet she's downstairs! She can call an elevator repair guy! Oh, yeah.
Shit.
Hang on.
Yeah, hang on! Ray? Hang on! I'm saying hang on! Hang on! What are you, deaf? What are you, color blind? Whoa! Too soon.
Yeah, inappropes! She said, flapping her wildly unkempt vagina at her coworkers! Oh, please.
You've all seen it! Wait.
Oh, my God, we actually have.
And yours.
What? Krieger hasn't! Well, maybe not in person-- Bu-bu-bu-bu-bup! Stoptalking.
Everybody stop talking! Trying to make a phone call! No, no, no, no! I'm not here.
Are you tired of constantly getting stuck in elevators? Do you wish there was a way to not keep constantly getting stuck in elevators? Well, friend, wish and be tired no longer-- Oh, come on.
Typical.
Hmm.
What, in the name of God, do you people think you're doing? Was there not a staff meeting? Well, there was I blocked out the entire morning for us all to do a team building exercise together.
Team building? Again? You got the elevator stuck on purpose! Wait, what? What? What are you talking about? Trapping us in here likelike Like piss-covered animals? This was the team building exercise.
What are you No, it wasn't! We were going to watch Vision Quest.
Huh!