Archer s06e11 Episode Script

Achub Y Morfilod

I don't know but I think we're pretty close.
What? Well blame these road signs.
They don't have any vowels.
Yes, and thanks for watching AJ.
I-- No, as a matter of fact I don't think it's a good opportunity to quote "work some of that fat off her", unquote.
I-- Mother, she's a goddamn baby! No, I have to go so-- I will! And if I find out you gave her diet pills, Mother, no kidding, - I will have you arrested! - Hmm? Do what? - Who's having a rest? - I heard you, now I gotta go.
Goodbye.
- Hey, sleepyhead.
- Hey you.
- Mmm, man, I was out.
- Yeah you were.
Where are we? Seriously, what is this, the Shire? - No, uh-- it's-- - Wait, wait, wait.
What the shit? Where are we? Where is AJ? - She's with Mother.
Calm down, I-- - Why am I in a car, in a trench coat, and lingerie? Why am I in-- Oh my God, there was a vagina in your sink! - Okay, technically yes, but-- - I caught you cheating on me.
- No you didn't because no I wasn't.
- Stop the car, let me out.
- You stop it now! Calm down? - Lana, calm down.
- Yes! I can explain if you-- - Yeah, explain how I just woke up in weird clothes in a weird car, in-- Archer, where are we? - Wales.
- Wales? - Yeah, surprise is ruined.
- No it's not! I am extremely surprised! - Really? - Because the last thing I remember, we were arguing in - your bedroom! - Yeah, I wanted to explain everything but you were totally freaking out, so I thought let's go somewhere neutral, you know? Talk things out.
So we're going to this little farm right on the coast.
It's remote but it's got this real, kinda rugged beauty, you know? It's actually very romantic.
Oh.
So just curious, what happened between your bedroom and right now? Well you were hysterical, Lana, so I thought the best thing to do would be inject you with a tranquilizer, drive you to a private airfield, put you on a CIA plane, fly you overnight to Wales and then that brings us to now.
- Huh.
- And I know drugging women isn't cool at all, ever, and obviously I would never, ever do that for any sort of sexual assaulty reason.
I mean for one thing, I'd never need to.
That's what the whole fight was about in the first place, right? Women throwing themselves at-- Stop the car.
- Choking-- - Sorry, maybe you can't hear me over the sound of all the blood vessels bursting in your eyes.
I said stop.
Ahh! Ahh! Well, I hate to say it, but you were right.
- It is kind of romantic.
- Yeah, right? I'm pretty sure there's a fireplace.
There, see? Quaint little farmhouse, a cozy little fire going.
I mean this place is right out of a fairytale.
Yeah, a fairytale in which the heroine is drugged and kidnapped.
You realize that's like every fairytale.
- I do now that you mention it! - Don't yell at me.
- I'm not the one advocating rape and child cannibalism.
- No! You're the one whose ex-girlfriend left her robot vagina in your sink.
Unbeknownst to me, Lana! Jesus, we've been through this like ten times already.
Well, sorry I'm hazy on the details of what happened right before I was drugged - and stuffed in a cargo hold.
- It wasn't the c-- You were in a seat.
- Is that supposed to make it better? - That is better! Like, empirically.
- I am leaving.
- No no, wait, wait, wait.
- Let me explain.
- If you don't let go of me, you're gonna have to explain how - those tampons got driven into your brain.
- Thanks for these, by the way.
And Lana, I swear I didn't call Katya.
I just came home and there she was.
And why would she just show up? - I think the idiots called her.
- What idiots? - Alrighty, can someone give me a hand? - But, Doctor, I thought the - patient was getting the hand.
- Speaking of hands, Nurse, I'm-- - Overplaying yours? - Well I was gonna say "putty in yours", - my dear, but I'll have to hand it to ya.
- Hm, keep your hands to yourself, Doctor.
Can we have a show of hands? Who thinks this is getting out of hand? Goddamn it! Can you please shut up and sew on my robot hand? - Hand job.
- So they call Katya because they're jealous we're dating.
- She shows up-- - Unbeknownst.
- And nothing happens, even though all your clothes get burned off, champagne gets jizzed everywhere and her vag - winds up in the sink.
- Yes.
- So, you're saying it was-- - Literally a farce.
Exactly, yes! - Ah.
Lana, come on.
Whose life through no, or sometimes maybe moderate fault - of his own, is as farcical as mine? - Hmm.
- You still shouldn't have drugged me.
- No, I know, that was-- Extremely uncool.
Mmm, that's not though.
Holy shit.
Right? Glengoolie: for the best of times.
And after we're done here, well we'll have to rent a new car, but we can drive up to the distillery and-- Done here, at our romantic fairytale getaway where you make up for all the idiot Archer shit you pulled over the past 24 hours? Yes, and-- Here's the thing.
What the-- Freeze! - Whoa, whoa, steady on.
- Freeze or I'll-- I have no weapon.
Archer! - Ah, so you're Archer.
- Uh, yes.
- And are those tampons? - Also yes.
Right, so if he's Archer, - I suppose that makes you Lana Kane.
- I-- Yes, actually.
And I suppose that makes you-- Who the hell are you? Lloyd Llewellyn.
This is my brother, David.
Say hello to the lady, David.
Hello, lady.
Hello, human giant.
And follow up question: why the hell are you here? - Ah.
Have you not told her? - Yeah, so, even though it's a romantic fairytale getaway, there's also kind of a work component to it.
- Lana? - What? Come on, it's like 30 bucks a glass.
So if I understand the situation correctly, we're supposed to help these terrorists who-- Well you obviously don't understand the situation, because we're not terrorists.
We're freedom fighters.
They're the Free Wales Army, Lana.
- "Fe godwn ni eto.
" - Oh yeah, that's-- that's right, David.
Good lad.
Leg hurts.
- Yes, it will do, Dav.
You've been shot.
- So we're supposed to help George and Lennie here out of the country because they're wanted by MI5? - Yeah, that's what Mother said.
- MI5, from England.
- Our ally.
- Well they're no ally to Wales.
What are you-- It's the same country, Lloyd! - Tell that to Dyffryn Thebwys.
- Duffer who? Dyffryn Thebwys.
It was a town in Wales that had stood proudly for a thousand years until the Saesnig-- the English, deliberately flooded it.
- Oh my God, to drown everybody? - No, to make a reservoir.
They needed water! So they built a dam and that flooded Dyffryn Thebwys, and - all the people lost their homes.
- My God, countless thousands of them! - Well, 48.
- Thousand! - No, just 48.
You know, four dozen.
- Are you-- Still though! So now they're all homeless? Well, no.
They were compensated, so they got new houses somewhere else and well, in many cases, much nicer ones.
- Then what's the problem? - Who are you, Josephine Stalin? - That shit wouldn't happen in America.
- Yes it would, and does, all the time.
The TVA has flooded thousands of Americans out of their homes.
- The what? - Tennessee Valley Authority? Remember Deliverance? How the whole valley was gonna - be flooded? - Lana, I hate to break it to you-- I even hate to say it out loud, but Deliverance was just a movie.
Oh, my God.
So what exactly are you wanted by MI5 for? - Uh, we tried to blow up a dam.
- A dam? What, to flood a bunch of other people out of their homes? - Well not real people.
Just English ones.
- Excuse me.
Christ, is she always this angry? - She's not mad at you, Lloyd.
She's mad at me.
- For what? Um, okay.
So I was engaged to this smoking hot Russian woman.
- Lieutenant Ginger Bayliss.
- Clamp.
Played by Odessa Cleveland.
Who later had a guest spot as a nurse on Trapper John, M.
D.
What? Starring Pernell Roberts as the titular Trapper John, somehow.
- In a drama, which was totally weird.
- But not as weird as Ed Asner.
Mary Tyler Moore's Lou Grant.
Playing Lou Grant in the show Lou Grant,which was also a drama.
Okay, yeah, but besides one nurse, M*A S*H didn't have any black characters.
- Actually it did have one.
- And his name was Spearchucker.
- What? - Spearchucker Jones.
- I mean-- - Okay yeah, maybe in the book or that crazy football movie, but I'm talking about-- Yeah, the show! - On network television! - In America, and not that long ago.
- But how is this even possible? - Well I know it may seem strange.
What, aiding our ally's enemies? Well it makes sense! When you're the biggest kid in the schoolyard, if your little - friends have a bully-- - You want them to come running to you.
- Exactly.
And Slater says-- - Wait, you talked to Slater? Yes, Lana.
Obviously I've spoken to Slater, and he says the CIA does this sort of thing all the time, so-- So, did he say why he keeps giving us these assignments that - always seem to blow up in our faces? - No.
- Although speaking of blowing up-- - Malory, she's a baby, and she weighs exactly as much as she's supposed to, so you better be feeding her! I am, it's just- Hello? Please.
As if I wouldn't feed you.
Now who wants a wittle ice chip? No? I suppose you'd prefer a nice big bottle of that liquid butter fat.
Goat, swear to Christ, I'll have your hide as boots and the rest of you as a curry! Go on, shoo! Shoo! Sh-- hit.
Shit, shit! - Ah, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- No shit, I'm telling you guys, Katya looked absolutely amazing.
The tiniest, laciest lingerie you've ever seen.
Sexy stiletto heels.
- And a good body, huh? - Good? I mean, you're from the UK, so you don't have anything to compare it to, but no Lloyd.
Not good.
- Insane.
- David! And she was just like rubbing all over me.
But nothing happened? No, nothing.
Well, except for the goodbye kiss which was definitely NSF Wales, if you know what I mean.
Oh, you little-- I say, pardon me.
Madam.
Hello? - Lana, hey.
We were just-- not talking.
- Shut up.
Already was, so-- So, is it possible you two were followed here by MI5? - Ummmmmm Yeah.
- What?! - Yeah, they're quite good.
- Son of a-- Archer, passport.
- What, why do you--? - Give me your passport! Here.
- Ah, for the love of-- "Randy Randalman"? - Yeah.
Randy grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, ran with a bad crowd, got into some trouble, went to juvie.
Uh, he worked in the mess hall there, fell in love with cooking, and so when he got out he went to culinary school and now he's got two restaurants, Lana, one Michelin star and a marriage that's on the rocks.
He's here to go balls deep on farm to table, you know.
Trying to get back to basics.
Archer-- Like that time Rocky went to Russia.
Just get in that closet over there and take Lurch with you.
David.
Wait, he's the one they're looking for.
Why am I getting in the closet? Because I said so! How is your American accent? Um, I guess it's okay, I mean like, you know, like, people are always like, you know.
- Like, you know, it's crap? - No dude, people really dig it.
People from where, dude? Quebec? He's the one who should be in the closet! No, wait.
Oh, hang on.
- Lana, why am I in the closet? - Because I said so! I think this'll really help sell it.
What? Randy doesn't wear nerd goggles! He's a culinary bad boy! Open the door, please.
- Get in the closet! - I am getting in the closet because I choose to get in the closet.
Come on, Gort.
David.
Okay, Randy.
Follow my lead.
- Yes? - Good afternoon.
My name is Bardsley.
I'm with MI5.
- MI5, my goodness! Please, do come in.
- Uh, what's the problem here? - Well the problem, Mister um-- - Randalman, Randy Randalman.
I'm an American.
Right.
Uh-- - Uh yeah, I'm here to learn about farm tables.
- I beg your pardon? - I thought it was dams.
- Shh! Come on, buddy.
- David.
Farm to table, he meant to say.
He's a chef.
- An American chef.
- He knows you're American, honey.
Uh, the reason I'm here.
We're searching for Welsh terrorists.
Welsh terrorists? Is there even such a thing? Yes, I'm afraid so.
The self-styled Free Wales Army.
"Fe godwn ni--" Shh! If you stay really, really quiet, I will buy you a puppy that you will probably accidentally strangle.
And we've reason to believe they're in the area, and that one of them is wounded.
So we're canvassing all the farms, and when we saw the damaged vehicle-- A bee flew in it and I crashed.
A bee flew into aconvertible? Look, our marriage is on the rocks, and also I have two Michelin tires, so-- Right.
May I just see your passport again, please? Oh good heavens.
Wow.
- What the-- Shit! - Mmm, whoa.
This is actually why we're here in Wales.
To try to save our marriage.
Oh, my God, baby.
I think it's working.
Are you joking or insane? Do you really expect me to believe you came to Wales for a romantic getaway? Easy, bro.
Wales is kickass! Honey! I do, because we did.
I mean if this weren't a romantic getaway, would I be doing this? Mmm! - What the shit? - Or this? Closet rampage! Right, then obviously I've made an extremely embarrassing mistake.
So uh-- - What the shit, Lana? - Aha! "Aha", what? - Who is this man? - I-- Wait, shit.
Who am I? You're Lloyd Llewellyn, if I don't miss my guess, which means - your brother David can't be too far off.
- Uh, in the closet, jacking off in a hat.
- David! - No I'm not.
Yes you are! And I'm not Lloyd Llewellyn.
He is! - Oh, Archer.
- Archer? As in Sterling Archer? - Yes, you idiot! - As in Sterling Archer of the CIA? - I mean no, you idiot.
I mean-- - My God.
- Then you must be Lana-- Ugh! - Way to go, Randy.
- Ugh, how is this Randy's fault? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Did someone else just barge in here yelling their idiot head off about being with the CIA? Oh, I don't know.
Was someone else making out with Frodo P.
Gryffindor here, - just to make someone else jealous? - Well, maybe now you know how I feel.
Actually I don't know how you feel Lana, because I didn't make out with Katya! Oh no? You didn't jam your fat tongue down her throat on that goodbye kiss? You were eavesdropping! - Uh yeah, I'm a spy.
- Oh, right.
And I also heard you raving about how insane Katya's body was! Is! But not as insane as your mind! And her stilettos, and her lingerie, and her big, fat, - vibrating robot vagina! - And you're making my point for me! And-- how? It's easy not to bang your ex if she's gone all frump-a-dump.
The fact that Katya's still crazy hot makes it all the more commendable I didn't bang her! I'm sorry, I think one of us must have just suffered a massive stroke.
- Oh, sorry.
That's me, just making toast.
- Tooooast! - Yes, come and have some toast, David.
- Ugh, make him wash his hands first.
Okay so, what do we do about this? Well, since apparently we're seeing other people now-- - Oh? - Not you.
Not us, I meant sleepy Floyd here.
Right, shit.
He knows we're with the CIA, thanks to your fat mouth.
Well it was your fat mouth all over him that started this whole thing.
Here, both of you.
Get your fat mouths around some hot, crispy toast.
- Toooast! - Damn it, David! Come and have some toast! It's obvious what we have to do with him.
Shoot him.
- What? - We're not shooting an MI5 agent.
That's like shooting-- a cow.
- How is that like-- - Lana, cows are our friends! - They may even be our best friends.
- We have to shoot him! If we don't, Downing Street will know the CIA's bankrolling the Free Wales Army! "Fe godwn ni eto.
" David, come and have the bloody toast or I'm throwing it in the bloody bin.
- He does have a point, Lana.
- Yeah, I hate to waste good toast.
We are not murdering an MI5 agent.
- End of sentence, end of discussion.
- Are you sure there's nothing I can do - or say to change your mind, Lana? - Very.
- Well then could you hold the toast? - Damn it! - Lloyd? - Yeah, grabbed it while you were arguing.
You never read Rosenberg's writings on nonviolent communication? - Uh, no.
- Ah it really helped me and David.
- Well, maybe we'll check that out.
- Uh, don't bother.
Because before I shoot this MI5 asshole, I'm gonna have to shoot the both of you.
- Wait, what? - Ah, don't worry.
We'll always have-- You think he was gonna say "table"? - I think probably "Wales".
- Lloyd! Uh, so, that's a problem.
- Nope, that is your problem.
- Uh, then may I have the gun please? - No.
- Oh my God, you are so immature.
And you are so big.
This is gonna be all Daniel Boone.
Alrighty, I think that's got it.
Nurse, would you close for me? - Uh, you already did that, Doctor.
- Oh right.
Well then would you open for me? Goddamn it! Stop sexually harassing me! - Sorry.
- Jesus.
Seriously.
Come on, Tinker Toy, let's go pound some homemade gin! So wait, how did we get to talking about African American characters on M*A S*H? Well the M*A S*H connection is obvious, perhaps even painfully so, but the African American thing? Nope, no idea.
But all things considered, that went about as well as could be expected.
Oh yeah? Which part? Leaving two Welsh terrorists basically at large, or kidnapping an MI5 agent? - Well first of all, both.
- How-- And second of all I was talking about our argument and how now you realize - you overreacted about Katya.
- I-- Oh my God.
- Admit it, Lana.
- I admit nothing.
Although, I do think we both learned that trust is important and-- I don't know, whatever! Trust! - Is that the best I'm gonna get out of you? - Yup.
By far.
Well then I accept your non-apology.
And? Oh my God, and I promise to try not to get into compromising situations with other women.
Best I can do.
Well then let's just get this limey bastard on that CIA plane and let Slater worry about the blowback.
You don't think they'll kill him, do you? No, then they'd have to kill us.
But, before we go back to the States-- Archer, I am not driving to Scotland with a kidnapped MI5 agent in the back - just to visit a stupid distillery.
- It's not stupid, Lana, it's-- Glengoolie: for the best of times.
Although you're right.
It's probably not the smartest idea I've ever had.
Hmm.
What is? Oh my God, I'm glad you asked.
Okay, so you put giant magnets in the bumpers of all the cars so that every car repels every other car so there would never be any accidents! Except every single time you're at a red light and a car comes and bounces you out into the intersection and you get the shit T-boned out of ya.
Thanks for the tampons.