Archer s06e12 Episode Script

Drastic Voyage: Part I

Before we begin, I want to make one thing perfectly clear to all of you.
The information you're about to hear is top secret.
Unauthorized publication or "leaking" of this information would be an act of high treason, for which you would be tried and convicted by a secret military tribunal and summarily executed.
So no, Miss Poovey, I don't think a selfie would be appropriate.
- Okay I'm not.
Jesus.
- Why is she even in this briefing? She's not allowed to go on missions.
Because she always stows away somehow, as do Figgis and Dr.
Krieger, and Julia gluey-Dreyfus over there.
So this time they're going on the mission, so we can contain them.
Well, unless the mission is a softball game - against Gary's olde town tavern - No, it's in which case I nominate Ray Pitcher.
- You know what? - Not because it's black.
You know what? Lana, he's the one ashamed of his hand's heritage, not me.
I'm not ashamed.
Pssst, Ray.
C-C-Call me.
- Ooh, little "handingo" action.
- Ahem.
Time is a bit of a factor here, so as much as I'd like to spend the day murdering all of you, I'm afraid we need to press on.
To wit, this is Dr.
Zoltan Kovacs.
Last night in Paris, someone we suspect the Russians attempted to abduct him.
A high-speed chase ended in a crash, which left him in a coma with a blood clot in his brain.
Which matters because? Because since defecting to the West 20 years ago, Dr.
Kovacs has been developing a top-secret process for molecular miniaturization.
Aren't they already pretty small? It doesn't miniaturize molecules.
The process can miniaturize anything down to sub-microscopic size robotics, computers, video cameras, vehicles, Even human beings.
- But - You maniacs! You stole it! You stole my idea! I've been working on miniaturization for years, - damn you, years! - Krieger, those were shrinky dinks.
It's the same principle! It is absolutely not the same principle.
Well then I've wasted my life.
And all of my good markers.
But how does it work, this process? You'll be given a cursory explanation - at the CIA laboratory in New Mexico.
- Why? Well, I assume they needed a large building in a remote location with plenty of parking, and real estate is a lot cheaper out in the desert.
- No, not why is the lab in New Mexico.
- Why are you going to tell us how this super top-secret shrink ray works? Because in less than 14 hours, you're all going to be miniaturized down to the size of bacteria and injected into Dr.
Kovacs.
- Wait, what?! - Is that possible? What if we don't consent to be Dr.
Shrinkered? Well there's a carrot and a stick here, the carrot being an one-time payment of $1,000,000 each.
- And the stick? - The stick is this is your last chance.
You people have bungled every assignment the CIA has given you, so if you refuse or fail this mission, I will personally ensure that none of you ever works in espionage again.
- Ohh! - I'm just an assistant.
- No likey.
- Well it's normally the other way around, but this time, I think I definitely prefer the carrot.
Not dick, Pam, stick.
Carrot and stick! Yeah I know.
6x12 - Drastic Voyage, part 1 Okay people, listen up.
We've got an enormous amount of information to cover in a very short time in which to do it, so your undivided attention is of the utmost - Mr.
Figgis, may I help you? - Yeah, is there any reason why you can't just do regular brain surgery without a shrink ray? Yes, there is.
And, Mr.
Archer, may I help you? Yeah, why the hell would this guy - have an oil can in his - Elbow grease.
Wow, it's pun for the whole family.
That's racist! - You know what I don't have time for? - Mm, shopping for clothes? Your particular brand of bullshit.
I was trying to familiarize myself with the human body, Slater.
- Yeah, you know what this is? - Your best gal? - You son of a - Slater! We do not have time for this.
- After this is over, you and me.
- Poop.
Why do you constantly antagonize him? I Oh my God! Cyril, are you jealous? - No, I'm - I'm gonna make it up to you, buddy.
- Oh please don't.
- Archer! If you're done trying to win votes for class clown More like most handsome.
- I was voted best milker.
- Me too.
Ew.
Please direct your attention to Dr.
Kovacs' assistant, Dr.
Sklodowska.
- It's Sk-wuh-doh-fska.
- I'm sorry.
What'd I say? I don't know.
Something else.
Welcome, all of you, and thank you for volunteering for this mission.
- Albeit under threat of death.
- Due to boredom.
Come on! Let's get shrunked up already! First we need to cover some basics.
Now as you may or may not know, Dr.
Kovacs and I are lovers.
If that is shocking to you, so be it.
That's not shocking at all.
This is Dr.
Kovacs' brain, home to the greatest mind in the history of mankind, if not the universe.
This is the blood clot that threatens to destroy that brain.
But we will destroy the clot with the Nereus.
Dibs on captain.
Dibs on driving! You have dibs on neither.
Mr.
Gillette, who is a licensed pilot, will be piloting the Nereus.
Oh so I'm good enough to drive y'all around? Great.
Maybe on the way, we can stop off down the piggly wiggly.
When this is over, I really think you and I should have a nice, long talk.
- I'm sorry.
Am I forgetting my place? - Little bit.
After being miniaturized, the Nereus and its crew will Yes, Mr.
Archer? Yeah, I think I should at least be co-captain.
I've had astronaut training.
- So what? So did I.
- So did most of us.
Yeah, but you sucked at it.
You kept puking your guts out on the - the - Don't say it.
the vomit comet.
But I kicked total ass in zero gravity, so I think I should be in charge.
What the hell are you talking about? I know how to do it be weightless.
- So? - So when we're floating around in this Kovacs guy, in the submarine Have you ever seen a submarine movie? Oh my god, "Operation Petticoat," "Das Boot," "The enemy below," "Run silent, run deep", uh "Gray lady down" - Ooh, "Yellow sub" - "Yellow submarine," yes! Wow, there's so many submarine movies.
And in any of them was anyone on board any submarine weightless? fat joke? Yeah, plus that time we were all on a submarine - and were not weightless? - Oh, right.
Uh, but this time we're gonna be tiny.
After being miniaturized the Nereus with the mission team onboard will be injected into Dr.
Kovacs here, as close to the blood clot as possible.
This is because we only have exactly 60 minutes before the process wears off and we revert to normal size.
Sixty minutes exactly? Yes, I feel like I was very clear on that.
Our progress will be tracked in real time - on a 3-D map of the human body - Ta-da! Oh my god, Slim Goodbody.
No! No, this is absolutely not that trademark character.
- This is - Michael? Oh my god.
Just a unitard with the systems of the human body on it.
- On a guy.
- On a guy named TV's Michael Gray.
- What? - Earballs! Jesus! I see I have some fans in the audience.
- Are you kidding? - Are you? Lana, it's TV's Michael Gray.
Billy Batson, from "the Shazam/Isis hour?" Well, and "the Brian Keith show.
" Obviously in "the Brian Keith show.
" - Who is Brian Keith? - Now you're just trying to piss me off.
So what's up? W-What have you been doing? - As you see, my good sir.
- Uh CIA puppet shows? - Act-ting, you philistine.
- Michael, what are you doing here? - I - How did he even get on the base? - He said he knew you.
- You let an unauthorized civilian onto a CIA black site just because he said he knew me? Well plus, he is TV's Michael Gray.
And as you may or may not know, TV's Michael Gray and I were lovers.
If that is shocking to you, so be it.
No.
I get it.
I think maybe you're confusing - the word, "shocking" with the word - This! - This is shocking! - No, that's just gross.
Which is also the word I think you're looking for - with your old man fetish.
- Aw come on, they're not so That one doesn't even have skin! Okay if everyone will follow me into the miniaturization chamber, we will now begin boarding the Nereus.
Whoa.
Wait.
Already? Yeah.
Shouldn't we learn a little more about - the mission parameters? - Oh you absolutely should! But we're behind schedule, thanks to - TV's Michael Gray.
- Whoo! - And - Scene! Yes.
We get it, Michael.
Scene! No, you ruined it.
Miniaturization will begin in 60 minutes.
Okay people, you heard the lady.
We've got no time to lose, so here are your mission assignments.
- Archer - Captain! No you're not.
Gillette is the pilot, and Cyril is the co-pilot.
Well we'll see about that.
Go see about that.
Okay.
Pam and crazy glue, your job is to stay out of everybody's way, so maybe go do that in the rear.
What, like, butt-sex? - Of the ship.
- Well let's keep an open mind.
And a closed mouth.
How about that? - Mmm.
- Just go.
Okay.
Lana, you think you can help Dr.
Sklodowska - with the navigation? - Well I did get an "A" in college biology.
Oh wow, great.
So when we're traversing the occipital lobe, you'll know what to do if the ship is in imminent danger of phagocytosis by polymorphonuclear leukocytes? It actually might've been an A-minus.
Okay maybe just help Archer with the laser - if he ever gets out here.
- Ow! You two head up to the laser turret and get acquainted with that bad boy.
Jesus H.
Christ, Ray! Speaking of "H", do you see me in a sort of Leonard H.
Bones McCoy type of role, or - Meaning? - Irascible on-board medical officer.
- Mm yeah, I wouldn't say on-board.
- Oh man! So not only am I not going to tiny town, now I have to execute a guy? - What are you talking about? - This big, meaty bastard right here.
- What are we doing, lethal injection? - Are you this is Dr.
Kovacs.
- This is? Are you sure? - Yes.
Because even a first-year phrenology student could see that this man is a cold-blooded murderer.
Phrenology? Who are you, George Combe? Man, I wish.
Because now I probably have nerve damage.
I've decided to let Ray drive.
With his racist robot monster hand! Hand, legs, feet.
I am a monster! Oh now come on.
You're not a monster, you're just different.
Come on.
It could be a lot worse.
- How?! - Well I guess the hand, or the tissue covering the bionic part, it would be, I guess.
You know, could've come from a serial killer.
And then one day soon, maybe you're shaving, and you find out it has a mind of its own.
It's a force of pure evil, and it starts dragging you out into the city at night.
Just cats at first.
But once the hand gets a taste for killing, it's only a matter of time before you're out there strangling male prostitutes, and then posing them in grotesque and horrific parodies of Mentos ads.
You know, the freshmaker.
In which case, I guess try to remember - I was always kind to you.
- Not always.
Miniaturization will begin in 30 minutes.
And besides, I don't think Ray's hand is the one that's racist.
- Shock.
Nothing.
- What? So, listen.
- I can't.
I'm swiveling.
- Yes you can, Archer.
I need to talk to you about something important.
Lana, what's more important than blasting imaginary womp rats in my imaginary T-16 back home? - Your infant daughter.
- Oh right.
Sorry.
What's up? Well A: this mission feels fairly dangerous and totally half-cocked.
That's normally cock aplenty.
Shut up.
And what if Kovacs dies, and the CIA disavows us, and we're blacklisted - from intelligence work? - I'd have a lot more free time? So your entire career, your entire personal identity as a spy gone.
- Maybe I finally learn to fly fish.
- That's great, Archer.
- What if we die? - I'd have a lot more free time? Well if we do die, I just want to reiterate that my parents are gonna be A.
J.
's legal guardians, not Malory.
Okay.
A: you've made that hurtfully clear about a jillion times.
B: Ava Jean could do a lot worse for a guardian.
Really? Jesus Christ! I-I'm sorry.
I didn't see the child.
Hmm? Oh she's fine.
She's used to it.
- Really? - "Then the mama bear said, "'well somebody's been eating my porridge.
' - And then the baby bear said " - Are you out of your goddamn mind? - What? - What? - I just had the drapes cleaned! - And then papa bear said, "Yeah? You just keep it up because this town is crawling with goldilockses with hot, young bodies and daddy issues.
" Exactly.
Like what's-her-face at work.
Debbie, yeah.
And as far as I'm concerned, the sooner she learns about cigarettes, the better.
This little pudge-pop's going to need all the help she can get in the battle of the Bulge.
And C: even if, god forbid something happens to you, - I'm gonna be fine.
- So if, say, there's a malfunction with the shrink ray and the ship, and everything in it - gets vaporized? - I'd just jump out at the last second.
While every single atom and molecule in your body is being destroyed? Uh, no.
I already jumped out.
It's this new thing called cat-like reflexes? So can you seriously not even grasp the concept of your own mortality? - Lana, nobody can.
- Really? Except maybe bears.
So will you do everyone a favor and relax for once? Nothing bad's gonna Sorry, gang! My bad.
That was on me.
Hey, somebody roll that guy around.
He's smoldering.
Miniaturization in - You were saying? - I don't know.
ten minutes.
Probably something about Paris.
Miniaturization in five minutes.
Roger that, mission control.
Navigation systems are online.
We are ready for miniaturization process.
Copy that, navigation.
Bridge is online and we are ready for miniaturization process, over.
- Said your dick.
- That would mean it's too big, dummy, and so it's ready to be made smaller.
Damn it.
Turret, are you ready to begin miniaturization? Over.
Yes, if Lana, you good? - Yes.
- We'll be fine, all right? - A.
J.
will be fine.
- Just remember what we talked about.
You already forgot.
Bears.
Turret ready.
Roger that, stupid.
You guys ready to make history? I'm ready to make a million dollars.
Close enough.
Okay, let's light this candle.
What are you doing? - He said light the candle.
- Not an ear candle! Well you won't bleed him, you won't cup him, you won't divine his humors.
For all you charlatans know, this poor man is both phlegmatic and bilious.
- Get out.
- Gladly! So, hey, do I need to swipe a keycard, or Ow! Paging Dr.
Dickwads.
All clear.
Commence initialization sequence.
All clear.
Mission control, this is Nereus.
We are ready for miniaturization, over.
- Speak for yourself, holy shrink-snacks.
- Yeah, this is kind of terrifying.
So why are you messing around with this crazy shrink ray? - It's not like you need a million bucks.
- Wh Are you kidding? It's not about the money.
Pam, we are going on a voyage of medical discovery unparalleled in not only the history of mankind but also perhaps its future.
Hippocrates, Galen, Percival, Sharpe.
For thousands of years, physicians have dreamed of having the power to see what we've been given the chance to through this truly awe-inspiring process of miniaturization, which I think you'll agree, is the very embodiment of Arthur C.
Clarke's third law, which states that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Or, if you like, a miracle.
- I - Plus I'm going to use the money to buy an orphanage, and then bulldoze it.
- Why? - Shits and grins and screams.
Wah, porridge, wah Well maybe she'll die.
Commence miniaturization in ten - Nine Eight - Lana? - Seven Six - Lana, calm down.
- Five Four - You're making me really hard.
- Three Two - Goddamn, dude.
One.
Wait.
What happened? - It-It's gone.
Hang on.
Mission control to Nereus, over.
This is Nereus, control.
How wonderful.
Miniaturization complete, over.
- Whoo! - Oh my god.
Time.
Okay, people, we have one hour to save Dr.
Kovacs.
And then hopefully a lifetime to be with him.
Once he leaves Hilda.
Control, I think we're ready to start - transport and injection, over.
- Roger that, Nereus.
- So, should we be steering, or - Shh! Okay.
Now the submarine is in a saline solution in the syringe, which the robot will now gently transport into the surgical theater, where it will prepare to inject the solution into the cerebrospinal fluid at the base of Dr.
Kovacs' skull.
- We're not weightless! - Why not? And since we only have 59 minutes-ish until the Nereus reverts to normal size.
It is crucial that the injection be as close to the blood clot as humanly well, robotically possible, I guess.
We're looking good down here, control.
All lined up on the injection site.
Roger that.
Nereus, are you ready? Ugh! Yes! Let's get this over with! You are a go for injection, doctor.
Preparing to inject.
So should there be screaming? Shh! Control, we're hearing some screaming.
Which what's the story on that? What in the name of sweet jiminy Christ do you think you're doing? Standing up for myself! Because maybe I didn't go to some fancy-pantsy Ivy League med school, and maybe I didn't go to some other med school, even the one down in Grenada, which was my fallback, but whatever.
That doesn't give you the right to bully me.
I have had it! Oh, and by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler? - Huh.
I never thought about that.
- Doctor? - What? - Not you.
Doctor, please tell me that Nereus was injected into Kovacs? - It was.
- Whew, okay.
So we're still okay.
I'm sorry.
I should've finished that thought.
It was injected into Dr.
Kovacs, but not at the injection site.
- What? Well then, where is it? - His foot.
Wow.
Now I feel like Dr.
Dickwads.
Krieger, shut up! And you, get them out of there.
We can't.
They're way too small.
They'll just have to make it to his tear duct like we planned.
Is there enough time to make it to the clot, - laser it, and still escape? - I mean, it will be close, but maybe.
Damn it! So do we tell them? Well they'll find out soon enough.
And in the meantime, I'm sure Sterling has everything well in hand.
Goddamn it.