Archer s10e04 Episode Script

Archer 1999: Dining with the Zarglorp

1 CHERYL [lazily]: # Twinkle, twinkle, little star # How I wonder what you are Something, something, up so high - # Kicking, screaming, burned alive # - ARCHER: Goddamn it, Cheryl, are you gonna shoot this goddamn thing or what? Well, it's hard for me to make a decision without knowing what this "or what" option is.
Duh.
ARCHER: For God's sakes, Lana, do you literally want to become lunch? The gas pedal is the one on the right.
I'm trying.
I can't get any power.
CHERYL: Why are these guns so freaking loud? My earballs are on fire! - Shoot him in the dick! - CYRIL: Space snails don't have dicks.
Technically, they have both male and female reproductive organs, so they can inseminate and be inseminated.
Cyril's definitely been to those kind of parties.
- PAM: [laughs] Space burn.
- Would you idiots mind focusing on the problem at hand, please? Krieger, why can't I get any power from the boosters? What the hell is going on with the power supply? Goddamn it! Something must be depleting power from the ship.
Did someone leave the fan on in the bathroom again? - Not me.
- And why not? What is with all the banging and the shouting? Are we hosting a quinceañera? - [alarm blaring] - [all scream] Oh, shiiit! CHERYL: Nooo! I left my purse in there! [Archer ttitle theme] [all groaning] - That was awesome.
- Awesome? We're stuck inside a space nautilus somewhere between his colon and his cloaca.
- What's a cloaca? - It's an organ that's used for excretion and also intercourse.
- [laughs] Smart.
- Pam, shut up.
You know, for the person who got us into this mess, you certainly are yelling at people a lot.
- You got us into this mess.
- Hey, let's not point fingers.
Especially yours, Lana.
Those things are like cricket bats.
You're the one who wouldn't listen to me and set our course for a galaxy to which we've never been before, and, as we can now see, is a ship-eating cosmo crustacean.
Well, you were the one making the flight super boring, so I started punching colored buttons on the navigation panel, building to a loud, yelly, final last point! Can we please figure out how the hell we're getting out of here? - Yeah! - We are totally boned.
Would everyone relax.
We'll just fire up the old plasma torch, cut an ulcer in this thing, and zorp our way out of here.
LANA: Okay.
Don't waste any more power.
- It'll work.
- WOMAN: No, it will not.
- Well, not with that attitude.
- That wasn't me, idiot.
- I tried that, too, when I got here.
- Wha MALORY: Can't you go anywhere these days without being accosted by the homeless? CHERYL: Um, so I guess I'll just wait out here, then, like some space-flunky.
[laughs] This is so stupid.
"Lead us into battle, Cheryl.
" "Rescue the ship from certain doom, Carol.
" Who am I, Artemisia I of Caria? [creature groans] You know what I mean.
- [all groaning in disgust] - Oh, God! - Is it a human? - RAY: Of sorts.
Smells like a diaper's coffin in here.
This is why you don't invite them in.
- She's a vampire? - Everyone shut up.
Who are you and what are you doing here? My name is Glenda Price, captain of the starship Tristan of Coralia.
I also commanded the CoreStart mission.
Wrote a book about it.
"Space Me, Space You.
" About all the good we did and the lives we saved throughout the universe? The cover art is my Intergalactic Peace Prize medal? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I remember that.
- I love Space Me, Space You.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, space.
Anyway, the Tristan was on an intergalactic humanitarian mission when we ran into the Zarglorp.
- What's the Zarglorp? - Seriously? - Come on! - Even I know that was stupid.
The creature that ate us, dummy.
- Jesus, all right, sorry.
- We were delivering medical supplies to poor children and burn victims when an asteroid storm forced us off course into the Targluk Galaxy.
- Is that how you all ended up there? - Uh uh, y-yup.
Asteroid storm.
Size of eggs.
Ah, yes.
We got dragged in and swallowed whole.
The Tristan is still wedged nearby in the digestive canal.
- And your crew? - Oh, we made do at first.
We played softball, taught ourselves piano.
But then the rations ran out and, one by one, they killed themselves.
- LANA: Wow.
- CYRIL: Cheesy Petes.
Captain, I am so sorry to hear that.
Me too.
We lived in our own little utopia.
[inhales shakily] They were my best friends.
Best friends? But they work for you.
Anyhow, then, as they died, we'd eat them.
Smart.
Unfortunately, there's no way out of here.
We'll slowly be digested over the next hundred years or so.
A hundred years? That's, like, forever! - Nobody lives that long, idiot.
- You definitely won't if you don't keep your mouth shut.
[grunts] All right, calm down.
We aren't spending the rest of our lives in some space prawn's shit factory.
Krieger, figure out why there's no power to the boosters and fix it.
- KRIEGER: Yep, yep, yep.
- Ray, fix anything damaged in the crash.
Pam, Lana, and I will go back to the Tristan and collect anything that might help us get out of here.
Cyril, I guess just keep being useless.
- Captain? - What do you need? I want to help you all get to safety, like when I rescued the Vantaurians from that ELE on Vantaur Five, then used all my money to get them all universal health care.
That's insurance that is accepted throughout the universe.
Wow, what a goddamn saint you are.
Do you have any blast charges on your ship? - Yes, but do not use them, because - Great.
Okay, Pam, this is crucial.
Once we're out there, look for anything we can use to make me a drink.
We're in the middle of a space creature's stomach.
There's always something that can be a mixer, Lana.
I made a drink once out of Barbicide and hair gel.
It's called a Moscow Mousse.
Well, it seems like you all have this situation under control.
Under control? We're currently food.
Well, you know me.
Always "glass half full.
" Ta-ta.
CHERYL: Okay, pro: all my stuff is on board, including that kick-ass purse that has metal studs on the bottom so it doesn't touch gross restaurant floors.
Con.
[sighs] I'm gonna have to keep doing stupid fighter pilot missions, and they're so boring 'cause I'm so good.
MALORY [on comms]: Pro: I'm here.
Is that you, voice in my head? You sound so much older.
And drunker.
Look at the screen, you glue-eating pinhead.
Oh! I've seen this show! With the mean lady! - Um Matlock! - Listen to me.
We have to fly down into that monster this instant.
For my purse? I know, right? It matches literally everything.
No, you clod.
To pick up Sterling, then get the hell out of here.
Mm, no, thanks.
What do you mean, "No, thanks"? I'm probably just better off leaving and starting a new life.
Hey, you want to come? - Gals' trip! - Absolutely not! Now listen to me.
We are flying back down there and You're not my space supervisor! [groans] ARCHER: All right, Cyril, while we're gone, keep Captain Price company.
She's been through a lot.
Maybe you'll learn a thing or two from her.
Oh, from the woman who got her ship eaten and her whole crew killed? That's still more than you've ever accomplished, Cyril.
Keep her company.
[door hisses] Cyril, right? Come over here.
Sit down.
Let's have a chat, just you and I.
Would you like to hear the story of how I saved the Drang population after the Great Flood of the Mupak Valley? You know what? Yes, I would.
Screw it, if we're dying in here, I'm gonna go ahead and finish that cake.
I mean, I don't even care.
- Krieger? - [gasps] Still looking for the source of the power loss.
Seems like it's been getting sucked all night.
Space phrasing.
All right, find it and fix it.
Once this thing pukes us out, we're gonna need those boosters to get out of this galaxy.
Don't worry, my child.
Daddy's here.
[hoarsely] More power.
[machine whirring] LANA: What was that bullshit back there with Cyril? "Keep Captain Price company"? Since when do you care about other people's feelings? Well, unlike you, Lana, I have empathy.
- Oh, wait.
Uh, sympathy? - I think it's "symphony.
" I can put myself in Price's shoes, okay? I know I'm gonna be the last survivor, resorting to cannibalism.
Stuck here to die alone, literally eating dicks.
- Oh, come on.
- Or, you know, whatever Pam has.
I hesitate to call that thing a dick.
It's more like a garbage claw.
LANA: Oh, pfft.
Give me a break.
You don't want to die alone? You were always gonna die alone.
- ARCHER: What's that supposed to mean? - LANA: Archer, be honest.
You're not close to anyone because you don't care.
You don't even bother to listen to people, - especially me.
- That's not true, Lana.
I just listened to that entire sentence, - and it was excruciating.
- Up top.
Holy shitsnacks.
These must be the suicidal crew members Price was talking about.
LANA: Uh, you ever hear about someone committing suicide by bludgeoning themselves in the back of the head? Hey, the blast charges! LANA: Weren't you listening when Price said not to set those charges off? - I actually wasn't.
What did she say? - LANA: Not to.
Don't make things worse than they already are.
Worse? We're in a monster's colon.
We'll be safe here behind this big fleshy - What is this, a tumor? - Aw, poor guy.
Okay, now get back to the ship.
Hey, what's that? LANA: Ugh.
Some sort of parasites that live in this thing's digestive system.
PAM: Yeah, I get those sometimes if I've been nosing through the trash.
- [screeching] - LANA: Ugh.
Remember me saying something about not wanting things to get worse? [chuckles] I actually was listening then.
Will you shut up and help me think of a plan? ARCHER: She said, while both talking - and not coming up with a plan.
- LANA: Archer ARCHER: Wait.
I just came up with a plan.
It's kind of complex.
Run! [all screaming] [creatures shrieking] I sliced the Florglap right in his face and I never looked back.
And because of my heroism, they made a holiday in my honor.
I mean, not a bank holiday, but still.
Wow, what a rewarding life.
- So, tell me about your life, Cyril.
- Oh, me? [scoffs] I've had a rough go of it.
You don't want to hear it.
Son, nothing matters to me more.
A captain cares about her crew more than herself.
That's the captain's code.
Well, okay, if it's the captain's code.
Uh, I guess it all started when I was about five I never wanted to be a fighter pilot.
I wanted to work in fashion.
Wouldn't that be a sight to see? Totally.
You see these outfits we're wearing, right? Who came up with this? Does anybody's ass look good in a flight suit? - No! - Well, you know, I have some friends in the design world.
Hey! I just had a great idea.
- You know what we should do? - Yes! We should rob them! No! We should fly down into that monster to get Sterling, then I love it! You and me can be space pirates! With my fighter pilot skills and your "zerp-zerp" thing, - we could run this galaxy! - [sighs] Ooh, let's plan our pirate outfits! [sobbing] And it turns out everyone did know it was my birthday and they skipped it just to hurt my feelings.
To this day, I've never got to play spin the bottle! Wow.
Life, she is a bitch.
But you know what people say? - When things seem darkest - What, Captain? Kill yourself.
KRIEGER: Oh, my dear boy, look at you.
You're an exact replica of me.
Though that hairline could use a little work.
M-more power! - Shh, okay, okay.
- More, more, more - [machine whirring] - [shouts] - [pop] - [machine whirrs down] [rustling] Oh, no, I've killed him! [sobbing] Oh, God, no! Son, I didn't mean to kill you.
[distorted] M-Murder! - Murderer! - No, no, shh! - Murderer! Murderer! - No, no, shut up, shut up.
No, no, no, you're fine.
- Murderer! - You're fine.
You're alive! Shh, shh, shh! - You are mur - No, no! I am not a murderer, you stupid head! - Figured out the power problem! - PRICE: Okay, now, the rabbit goes around the tree and back into the hole.
Is the dehydrated milk up here somew The hell are you doing? - Killing myself.
- Why, other than the obvious? Well, sometimes killing ourselves is the most noble thing we can do for our fellow survivors.
Have you ever thought about it? Okay, nope, get that thing off your neck.
Uh-oh.
You know what we have on our hands here, Cyril? A dirty mutineer.
[gulps] [shrieking, growling] [music] CYRIL: "And finally, to my crewmates: I regret leaving this world so early, but I shall see you in the next.
" Good? Then maybe something like, um, "All my love, Cyril.
P.
S.
: Please eat me.
" - Hmm.
Yeah.
- [muffled shouting] See? He thinks it's good too.
Now let's find you a load-bearing pipe.
[grunting] [groans] Hello? Can anyone hear me? Over.
Ooh! What about eye patches? I mean, we don't actually have to have our eyes cut out to wear them unless you want to.
RAY: Can anyone hear me? Arr, this is Space Pirate Cheryl.
Go ahead.
There's a psycho loose on the ship! She's brainwashing the crew to kill themselves - so she can eat us! - [gasps] Sterling! Cheryl, listen to me.
We have to go in there! Duh, of course we have to go in there.
There's someone brainwashing people into killing themselves! - RAY: Hurry up! - Let's go! All right, me hearties, open up! Here be breakfast! PRICE: Well, well, well.
Looks like we have a dirty traitor in our midst.
I think you know what to do, Cyril.
[door hisses] What the hell is this? - Cyril's trying to kill me! - Then I'm gonna kill myself.
Then they want us to eat them.
- Smart.
- Cyril, you idiot, Price is space-mad.
She convinced her crew to kill themselves - so she could eat them.
- Wh Wow.
I never.
I am Glenda Macmillan Price, intergalactic hero, and I'll be damned if you'll accuse me [yelling] [grunting] Hey, guys? We're down to auxiliary power.
No way to know how that happened.
But I do have an idea.
Captain Price, you said your ship was lodged in the digestive tract, - but it's not out of power, correct? - [grunting] That's right.
Well, if the fuel rods are undamaged, conceivably, we could hook up our generator to the Tristan, throw the switch, and it could generate enough heat - possibly to induce vomiting.
- [banging, screeching in distance] - What the hell is that sound? - Those are the giant man-eating parasites that have been chasing us since Archer set off the blast charges Price told us not to! I think we all learned a valuable lesson from that that we wouldn't have known otherwise, and [short chuckle] now we know.
[muffled screeching] You idiot! I've been successfully hiding - from those things for years! - Hey, how about this? I say we try Krieger's idea.
Lana, get behind the wheel and get this sucker ready to blow out of here.
- Cyril, stop trying to kill yourself.
- Aw, Archer.
Help Krieger ready the boosters, then kill yourself if you want.
Captain, you're coming with me and Pam back to your ship to show us where the fuel rods are.
Then we hook them up and get the hell out.
Whoohoo! Suicide cult, here I come! [screeching] Damn it! How does this beast stay alive - with all these parasites? - Yeah.
Plus I think we saw a tumor.
He seems so young, too.
- [grunts] - [screeching] [yelling] Come on! I was about to do my finishing move.
Hey, wait a minute, I thought you said the crew ran out of rations, Price.
Fine! Yes! I went space-crazy, okay? I killed some of the crew, some killed each other at my order, and others killed themselves to escape my bloodthirsty wrath.
You're like a dog with a bone about this.
- God! - ARCHER: All right, here, hook them up.
[sighs] There's just one problem.
LANA: Archer, what the hell is taking so long? We have to get moving.
ARCHER: Uh, we've got a little problem.
- What is it? - When we transfer power between the ships, the Seamus will immediately shoot out of this thing Hopefully through its mouth and not its duke chute.
ARCHER: Shut up, Pam.
But in doing so, whoever powers up the Tristan will be left behind.
- [creatures continue screeching in distance] - Over? - Well - ARCHER: Wait, what's that? [imitating static crackling] I-I can barely hear you.
[imitating static crackling] - Price should stay back? - I didn't hear anything.
[imitating static crackling] Unanimous vote, you say? Well, looks like the people have spoken.
So give us, like, to the count of 60 to get back, - then juice this baby up.
- The hell I'm staying back! Glenda Price didn't eat directly out of a bridge crewman's eye socket to die here today.
Price, listen, you're a self-obsessed megalomaniac who sacrificed her crew for her own survival.
You only ever thought of yourself.
- You're a villain.
- Ugh.
But in your final moments, you can be remembered for all the good you did instead of your, - you know, cannibalism.
- But how would people know what I did to save you all? Here, I'll record your heroic farewell.
And I promise, the entire galaxy will hear it.
Okay.
This is Captain Glenda Price of the Tristan.
Of all the many humanitarian missions I've been on, [music] all the lives I've saved, this last act of bravery shall be my greatest.
Sure, there will be songs of my courage and statues in my honor.
But know that serving my fellow man [stifles sob, sighs] it was my privilege.
Get out of here! - Captain's orders! - Aye, aye, Captain.
[yells] For what it's worth, I would have liked being an outlaw space pirate with you! Even though you're kind of mean and mostly electromagnets, you're still my favorite! I hope this thing chews you like gum, you crazy bitch.
- All right, Lana, light it up.
- Krieger, are we ready to go? - KRIEGER: Yep, yep, yep.
- Okay.
Captain Price, for the final time, please power up for liftoff, you brave, brave soul.
PRICE: Aye, aye.
Jesus Christ, it's one goddamn button, Price.
How hard is it not to screw up the last moment of your life? [thrusters roaring] It's working! [creature groans] It's working.
Hold on.
Here we go.
MALORY: That's them! They got out! - Fly away, you idiot! Fly away! - CHERYL: Stop yelling at me! [sighs] Is it just me, or is this literally the best tea - in the entire galaxy? - That's probably the opium talking.
Chasing that space dragon.
Rawr! [chuckles] CHERYL: So now not only am I not a part of a suicide cult.
I'm never gonna get a chance to be ever again.
There, there, dear.
You're dead to me.
That must count for something.
Aw, thanks.
Hey, I forgot to ask - how did you end up getting out of there? - We were able to generate enough heat from the fuel rods that the Zarglorp spit us out.
Oh, of course the extra fuel rods in the downstairs storage room.
I was hoping you'd find those.
Glad they worked out.
Yeah, worked out for everybody.
So you gonna upload Price's farewell - so the entire galaxy can hear it? - [laughs] Are you kidding me? - I wasn't recording that.
- Wait, what? What about your promise? - Wow, you really are an asshole.
- Oh, I'm the asshole.
Lana, that lady ate people.
Hey, I could really go for a Moscow Mousse.
You want one?