Archer s10e05 Episode Script

Archer 1999: Mr. Deadly Goes to Town

1 [dramatic music.]
Cyril: Now that doesn't look right.
Why am I looking at a black hole? You know I hate those.
Yeah, we're nowhere near where we're supposed to be.
Well, maybe we should find the navigator - and throw something at him.
- Wait, I'm the hey! - Seriously? - Sorry, I didn't have anything heavier.
Also there's that.
That is the most evil thing I've ever seen.
This isn't my fault.
I didn't enter these coordinates.
That thing summoned us out of hyperspace.
Well, don't just stand there gawping like stunned space elk.
Go see if there's anything worth salvaging.
You want us to walk into a thing that might as well have "imminent death" written on the side? Well [gulps.]
Since we're here.
Yep, and nothing terrible ever happens in a place like this.
Hmm, I'm not finding much.
Just a bunch of hallways that meet up over there.
Ooh, I'm picking up large amounts of organic compounds! Aww, but no moisture, - which only makes sense if it's - A giant field of old, dead aliens? - Or an army of space mummies.
- Uh, look up circuit-dick.
Oh, well, technically I'm correct if they stand up - now! Right now.
- Instead of trying to raise the dead, why don't we just find something shiny and get the heck out of here? Cyril, find anything? Well, it looks like there are two kinds of aliens.
Heavily armored and seems like they've been here for eons.
Ah! Dead [coughs.]
alien [coughs.]
in [coughs.]
my [coughs.]
Whoa-ho! Cool! Malory: We've decoded the writing on the outside - and it seemed relevant.
- Relevant how? Malory: Well, as far as we can tell, it's one phrase translated into a dozen ancient languages.
End of life.
" "Beware.
End of life.
" Any-hoo - Now I kind of wish we'd worn helmets.
- Time to go.
Cyril, Pam.
- [coughing.]
- Ha-ha! Bring me the biggest goose in all of London! [mechanical whirring.]
[English accent.]
Well, hello.
I'm Mr.
Deadly, and I'm coming with you.
And if we don't take you? [suspenseful music.]
Written right on the side.
[title theme.]
[dramatic music.]
Could you say that one more time? - Bring me the biggest goo - Not you! I'm a sentient doomsday device created by an extinct alien race but never used.
Wait, never used? What about all those bodies? [lasers zapping.]
[pained groaning.]
Well, hello.
I'm Mr.
I didn't kill them.
They died fighting over me.
But you gestured threateningly.
I've been alone for thousands of years, so my nonverbal communication skills are a bit rusty.
- So wait, are you a weapon or not? - As I said, doomsday device.
Designed by a race to whom mutual destruction was preferable to defeat.
I was hidden away on the edge of space, but the war I was created to end in fiery apotheosis concluded without me.
So there I remained, my only companions - the velvety dark and solitude itself.
- And then? I got bored, so I nabbed you lot out of hyperspace to help me explode, at which point I'll atomize a few dozen solar systems.
Who else is turned on right now? - Krieger: Always on.
- Others: Not at all.
Am I to understand that we brought a giant bomb onto the ship because you misunderstood its gestures? Yeah, keep working on it, buddy.
Now, with that out of the way, would you say "Please detonate"? Plea [thuds.]
Keep little Miss Death Wish confined here until we decide what to do with that walking apocalypse.
So we're just supposed to sit here and twiddle our thumbs? I'm sure what you do with your thumbs is entirely your business.
- Yeah, just see the silently.
- That'll show her.
- Well, you're stuck here, too.
- I'm always stuck here.
What?! I'm just laughing at how little they respect you.
God, I need a drink.
It looks like The Artifact sealed itself up after you left.
- So we're stuck with you, huh? - Yes.
Though I can't trigger myself, I would like to explode at the earliest opportunity.
Go right ahead! If killed, I blow up automatically.
Sort of obvious, when you think about it.
So you lived your entire life on that thing, right? You've never experienced anything? I could access all the information in the galaxy.
But I suppose you're right.
I didn't directly experience any of it.
You must be horny as shit.
- The sole aim of my being is to explode.
- Been there, buddy.
We get it.
You wanna explode.
But if you experience some stuff, then explode, you'd get the best of both worlds.
Maybe you won't want to explode at all.
Unlikely, but intriguing.
It is settled.
I shall experience some stuff! Excellent.
Laki Station is nearby.
It's a cargo depot, but it has its share of diversions.
I'm just glad I won't have to look at that thing anymore.
What is it with you and black holes? - Ever heard of spaghettification? - Oh, yeah, I did that once! Man, we went everywhere, nothing but sauce and starch.
- I put on 20 pounds.
- Pam, not spaghetti vacation! I'm talking about the scientific term for being sucked through a black hole's event horizon and being stretched into a thin strip of matter, screaming for eternity because of time dilation.
"Spaghettification!" We called ours "Pastafari.
" [chuckles.]
[eerie music.]
Ahh! What are you doing in my inner sanct room where I sit quietly and do nothing suspicious? You come here to dream of electric sheep? Don't be a Dick.
Androids can't dream.
But we do think real hard about them.
And make illegal experimental weapons using our ship's supplies? What? No, that's not Laki Station is notorious for black market deals.
I may just have a plan.
- Stop that! - Oh, sorry.
I was just electric sheep.
Like, do they plug in? Mr.
Deadly: My word.
I knew the life cycle of a cow, the atomic structure of sucrose, but the experience! Yeah, well, ice cream is good.
- [moaning.]
- Not that good.
Unless you've got one that's foreplay flavored.
- Do they have that? - No.
And let's keep it simple for now.
I hear they have a greenhouse that might - be fun to walk through.
- Good grief, there's more than this? Yay, plants.
So what's the plan here? Stuff him in a cargo hold and bug out? No! Then he just blows up a bunch of other people.
We can make this work.
If we just find something he likes enough to live for.
Oh, my God, you always have to fix people, don't you? This is why our marriage didn't work! Really? It wasn't the fact that you slept with everything on two legs? Hm not always two.
Krieger: This is a disaster.
There's only two people here! - Didn't you pass out the brochures? - I did not.
But the mix tape doesn't make any sense without - [gasps.]
Oh, my God.
- You didn't send the mix tape? Krieger and Pam: Sometimes you want to have fun Have fun Sometimes you just need a gun, blap-blap The arms game is about connections, not your quasi-musical cry for help.
This is all window dressing anyway.
This is bush league right here.
- Thank you! - Yeah.
Hey, after this, let's hit the dead drop - and then space taco.
- Mm, def.
Oh, my God! Are you guys spies? Oh, my God, yell it out, hello.
Got it! Do you guys have, like, an internship or something? I'm very sneaky! - [skeptically.]
- I see you two have an eye.
Let me show you the latest.
Only for my special customers, you understand.
Yeah, well, we are pretty special.
The PlasmoblastChaos Edition! Hold down the trigger, and it fires at wildly unpredictable intervals! - Why? - Revenge Body Armor! When hit, it auto-injects you with painkillers - and rage-inducing pharmaceuticals! - Why And finally, my magnum opus.
The personalized, identity-locked - temporary singularity grenade.
- That all sounds - So dumb.
- Thank you.
What's dumb about a temporary black hole that sucks everything into it, then teleports itself to a random location in the galaxy? All of the words that you said - in the order that you said them.
- And we're out.
If I may step in these are only the appetizers.
I do in fact have access to a weapon of great power.
- What, a fart cannon? - Actually, I have one No, something else.
A doomsday device.
The butterfly.
A remarkable illustration of the capacity of living things - to change.
- Cool.
Hey, is that something you think you might be able to - What's going on, bud? - Oh, I'm conversing with the butterfly via pheromones.
I just asked it to say,"Please detonate.
" I thought you weren't gonna try to explode! That's not anything I said.
Anyway, it was a hard pass.
Much more foul-mouthed than I expected.
Same to you, you bastard! Well, I guess we're safe.
Until he finds a fruit fly with a death wish.
So would you be interested? Or, you can shoot plasma bolts at semi-random intervals.
Ka-kow! Ka-ka-kow! - I'll take doomsday.
- Ka-kow! - What do you mean, "No?" - The accepted opposite of, "Yes"? So we're not selling Mr.
Deadly now? Won't those spies be angry? And more importantly, how does this affect our mix tape? Selling him would solve all our problems.
He gets taken somewhere else and gets to explode.
We live.
Except for the billions of life forms he kills.
Well, obviously, but they're kind of a sunk cost at this point.
- That is not what that means.
- Oh, um arbitrage? We can't be held responsible for the actions of the people we sell weapons to! - Why not? - Because we'd have to stop doing it! Look, I think Mr.
Deadly is making some real progress.
The ice cream was good, and that was a very pretty bug, if rude, but fulfilling the purpose of my existence sounds a smidge better.
But there must be something in the universe you wanna do.
I've heard good things about whisky.
Great job, Lana.
Now let's go get this bomb drunk.
Cheryl: Lightweights.
That was only like a half a bottle of Quaaludes that I dissolved in their absinthe.
Hmm they may die.
Oh! Mr.
Deadly! That's what I was doing.
I say, that tastes like an old boot on fire - that I like in my mouth! - I know it's your first time, but you don't have to try literally every whisky they have.
Um, could you say, "Please detonate"? Say nothing.
Walk away.
Almost got you.
- I'll have these six.
- Not 100% sure this is working.
Let's just go find those spies and pawn him off.
One, that's evil.
Two, we don't even know what they look like.
Well, see that cat dude and pouch master general? They look exactly like that.
Doesn't look like they're here to haggle.
- Time to go.
- And we're shuffling, and they're working together, and they're cutting us off, - and they're here.
- Nice work, Tav.
What's up with all the fist bumping? This is not a weapon! It is a living being - who does not want - Who's taking me? You? You? Ah, we'll figure it out.
Thanks, Lana.
It's been a delay? But I'd like to explode now.
Well, all that's left is for you to pay us and we'll leave this portion of the galaxy Oh-ho-ho.
You're not going anywhere.
I have a thing about loose ends.
Is that why you have so many straps? Seriously, are you on your way to tie down a blimp? Hey! Time to leave.
We tend to frown on threatening waiters with knives.
Sir, we're handling this.
- Oh, is that right, Tycho Brahe? - Astronomy burn! Come on, did the groundwork for Copernicus.
Had a metal nose.
Tycho Brahe.
Ooh, long way to go for that one.
[dramatic music.]
[lasers firing.]
Hey, assholes.
If he dies, he explodes! - Well, you should have led with that! - Oh, we're so sorry! God damn it.
I think they used your stick thing! It's called a quarterstaff.
Fine, they used your quarterstaff.
You have a gun! We can lay low here for a while.
Aww, cheer up, dude.
I bet you'll explode before you know it.
Lana, you have snatched me from my destiny.
Yeah, she is a huge buzzkill.
Look, I'm very partially sorry about that.
But we're gonna figure out what to do.
Can you stay here for just a few minutes? Oh, great.
I've waited thousands of years so what's a few minutes? - That's a yes, right? - Yes.
- So what do we do? - Oh! Oh, not this.
Just thought of another name for Spaghetti Vacation.
If you tell it to me, Pam, I will literally kill you.
Call it a one-way vacation to the void.
- Wait, that's something.
- Killing Pam? I was joking, but if you've got a good reason I would No, these depots all have a cargo railgun.
- They're insanely powerful.
- So? So we put him in it, aim it up out of the galactic plane, and radio the order when he's at a safe distance.
We'd have to get there without those goons intercepting us.
Seems tough.
They're very cool.
- They're not that cool.
- Okay, let's ask him.
Cheryl: Ha! Teach you to lock me in a room.
Because I locked youin a room! Ha-ha! Are you guys getting that? I can't see if the irony is landing.
- Why not open the door and check? - Cheryl: I can't, I smashed it.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.
We're gonna die.
If we are, there's something I need you guys to know.
"Ravioliday"! Worth it.
- [sighs.]
I am ready.
- Take me! You may have some unhealthy associations - with sex and death.
- Duh-hoi.
So you know you don't have any junk, right? Well, if you give me a moment I'm sure I can grow one.
Why don't you make it two.
- That was My God! - Ugh! It's gonna be one of those.
How can sensations that majestic and world shattering be contained in such strange dangly skin-bags? Did the world shatter for you in the first ten seconds, the second ten seconds, or huh, no other options! Both! Benefit of two, I suppose.
But, oddly, I find a limpid rush of passion in myself, and I must tell you sorry, what was your name? [clears throat.]
There's some debate on that.
- Well, whatever it is, I love you.
- Yes, well nap.
Can you at least tell me to detonate? God, can you stop your dumb mouth from talking so I can sleep! Okay.
Well, I'm gonna destroy you all now.
As long as it's quiet! Rude! What did you just do? I don't know.
I wasn't listening either.
Unfortunately, we were, and there are some things you can't unhear.
Yeah, like why was it so squelchy? - Well - Nope! Where did he go? Who? Let's see.
Let's wind the footage back to the moment they left the cantina Pff.
Cantina? Barely a saloon.
Or that.
Last one to grab him buys tacos? Ugh! Set me up the whole way.
Ugh Respect.
We got to go! Give me a minute! I think I was just dead a little! Sometimes you just need a gun Damn that's catchy.
Cheryl got out! And ruined everything.
That second part probably goes without saying.
How can you be so incompetent? Well, seeing as how you let a glue-sniffing human death wish escape a closed vessel, maybe we're even! Even? Who paid for your first "massage" when you ran out of cash? Not to get in the middle of your Freudian nightmare, but just get Krieger ready with his weapons, and meet us outside the ship! - Way ahead of you.
- Are you? Hate to be a pest.
but could you say "Please Detonate?" - Uh, no thank you.
- Ah-ha! Fantastic.
And now this is happening.
Let's go! [exploding.]
Nice shooting, Tex, but if you kill him, nobody gets tacos.
- [gun cocking.]
Oh, hi guys.
- Oh, hi.
They're from the ship.
- Yep.
We are here to stop you.
- Is that a kimono? These are experimental prototypes.
I call gun! Big gun, here.
- That leaves Pam the temporary - Don't need it, dick-nuts.
- My body is a weapon.
- Speaking of which.
- The temporary singularity grenade? - Why would you make that? Why not just give us an ancient horn that summons Cthulhu's older, shittier step-brother? Well, it imprinted on you now, so no one else can use it.
Seems like a needless precaution.
So where do you think they are? [lasers zapping.]
I find it's good practice to follow the sound of gunfire.
That hadn't happened yet! Oh, suppressing fire! [firing.]
Ah, ah, ah! Yelling "suppressing fire" kind of defeats the point.
We're supposed to think you're aiming at us.
You know what, actually, I'm saying it to my teammates, so they know.
Ah-ah-ah! Admit you underestimated me.
Get off my head, you bitch! They're actually doing okay.
I might have a tiny bit more respect for them.
Don't ever tell them I said that.
There is so much so deeply wrong with you.
And you married me.
- Doesn't reflect great on you.
- Aww, can I keep him? How long before they notice "We're-we're gone," is what I was gonna say.
So what's all this then? Cargo railgun, we shoot you, transmit signal, boom.
- Oh, finally.
- Wait, where's Pam? [dramatic music.]
The invisible fist.
That could be my code name.
So what do you say, I'm your scrappy apprentice, and you're my gruff-but-loveable - Ahhh! Ow! - I'll think about it.
Oh, that is good pouchwork.
Get in there.
We'll send the "please det" Archer, come on.
Whoops, that would have been hilarious.
We'll send you the message once you're out of the galactic plane.
Ahh! Jesus, Archer.
- You ever look before you shoot? - Sometimes.
- Don't hit Mr.
Deadly! - Yeah, aiming at you guys.
Thanks for being so conscientious.
[slow-motion groaning.]
[dramatic music.]
[slow-motion yelling.]
You saved me.
You overcame your simple biological impulse to live.
Just trying to do what's right.
- Jesus Christ, lady! - Don't call me lady! Well, have a nice death.
Just give me the receiver so you can transmit the order.
- The what? - It's a cargo container.
Do you want me to bring along string and a can? Goddamn it.
Oh, so now you're a gesture expert.
- Whoa, smells like stir-Friday in here.
- Why did you do that? I need to feel their blood on my ah.
Ohh, this is the best I've ever felt.
Yeah, you're probably gonna want to check into rehab.
Like immediately.
You forgot this.
I came as quick as I could.
You know, after they died.
You are a paragon of bravery.
All right, let's shoot you into space.
- One moment.
- Oh, come on! Lana's act of selflessness inspired me.
She was willing to give her life for others, and that gives me the courage to change.
- I choose life.
- I guess this means no tacos.
Is that supposed to be a joke? I didn't mean to make it weird.
[pained grunt.]
How's this for weird? Please detonate.
- No! - Don't detonate! [tense music.]
I think my change of heart may have diffused me.
Only now do I see that when one's purpose is evil, achieving that [eerie howling.]
[all scream.]
Archer, you've got to use this.
I don't want to be eternal spaghetti, Lana.
For once, think of anyone other than yourself.
Aghh! Fine! [beeping.]
[intense whooshing.]
[rumbling, whooshing.]
[all yelling.]
[relieved sighs.]
- I'm alive! - Archer: We're alive! - Ray: Close one, right guys? - Yeah, great.
I think I twisted my ankle.
Thanks, Lana.
- So where exactly did they go? - It's semi-random, - but I could try to back-calculate it - I'd kind of prefer to not know if we wiped out several thriving and culturally complex civilizations.
- Yeah, I mean, me too.
- All right.
We don't know that was us.

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