Archer s14e02 Episode Script

30 for 30

- Decoy? Decoy?
- I did warn you.
After you threw me off the bike.
So less a warning than an assignment.
God, I've always wanted
to throw him off something.
- What's it like?
- Surprisingly easy.
You're easy! Wait, no.
You're whatever's sexually undesirable
due to untrustworthiness.
Like my tennis coach who,
turns out, is married.
I don't see the problem.
You still got away from the police.
And then got tranqed by the
international jewel thieves
we're supposed to be taking down.
Yeah, and they didn't
use the good stuff either.
My point is, this is
all part of the plan.
[dramatic music]
Yeah, and, um, what
part of the plan comes
after being chained by our feet
to the ceiling of a sea cave?
[Zara] The fun part.
[main title theme]

Easy, Lillian Leitzel.
Excuse me for not
wanting to die dangling.
Oh, yeah, much better to die
swinging back and forth
like a rummy old piñata.
No one's going to die!
But we will drown if we're
not free in a few minutes.
So, Zara, what exactly is your plan?
Because so far, it's [grunts]
Rob a probably innocent man,
then rob a definitely innocent museum
[grunts] Get tranquilized,
then hang upside down in a cave.
The plan's actually too intense
for your aging brain to understand,
but we're waiting on step 3 of 12.
14, if they have guard dogs.
Seriously? [grunts]
- Seriously?
- Problem?
"I have a plan, but I can't share it,"
is exactly what people say
when they don't have a plan
and hope it all works out.
Wonder why you know that.
We all know why I know that!
The difference is, I
actually have a plan.
- Trust me.
- I don't.
You're a loose cannon.
You're kind of also a loose cannon, bud.
Exactly, and you can't have
two loose cannons on one ship.
They'd smash everything.
Yeah, as opposed to one loose cannon.
I feel like "loose cannon"
is never used as a positive.
Really? Because people
call me one all the time.
And you think that's a compliment.
- Obviously.
- [scoffs]
And now we know you're
not the subtext cannon.
Said the stupid cannon.
New plan, and I can share it.
I'm saving the day.
"And why does that require
you to be barefoot?"
she asked, barely caring.
It's not my feet. It's my shoe.
I made Krieger install
an emergency phone
- the week I joined the agency.
- Ugh. Why?
Because it felt like
something a spy would have!
[grunting] And guess what. It is.
- Because I have it.
- [line rings]
[phone rings]
Well, you're finally
using the shoe phone.
It's about time. Does it stink?
Shut up, Krieger. Listen, trace my call.
The moron Interpol
agent got us captured.
Well, according to your shoe,
you're on an island in Greece.
Ooh, also according to your shoe,
you're pigeon-toed.
- We're in Greece?
- Jelly.
So anything else?
Organize a rescue, God damn it!
Oh, shit.
Congratulations on
your daring robberies.
You have the attention of the Vanguard.
But we only need one new member,
so we will let the tide decide.
I'll be back in an hour.
You forgot to say, "Any questions?"
To which I would say, "Lots."
Like, do you wash these
chains between guests?
Because salt water isn't
enough to get them clean.
Oh, please, salt water
works fine on blood.
It's rust you gotta worry about.
[tense music]
[Zara grunting]
- Ahh.
- Damn.
Way to go, Zara.
Ah! [gasps]
You couldn't have done that earlier?
Like before I got this
inversion erection?
I don't think that's a thing.
Then explain why I have one!
Step three was waiting
for them to leave us alone
so we'd have more time to
infiltrate the facility.
[gasps] There was a step three!
No, there wasn't!
She's just doing things
and calling them steps.
- Says the guy doing nothing.
- Am I?
Or am I on step one of kicking your ass?
Eh, still looks like nothing.
Do you want me to get you down?
No. Like my erection,
I will handle this myself.
Look, our goal is to take
down the Vanguard leader,
but he never leaves Vanguard's
secret island headquarters,
and the only way to get
here was to be recruited.
But now we're locked in
a quickly flooding cave.
Are we?
[gasps] Was that
- Step four, baby.
- Not a step.
See you after we accomplish the mission!
Not if I see you first
but after I accomplish
the mission with my plan.
[Zara] Yeah, good luck with that.
She said with obvious jealousy.
Okay, my plan.
[slowly] My plan,
of which step one is
[laughs] Utilize a friendly turtle!
Which takes us to step two.
I've got good news and bad news, people.
[gasps] What about spooky news?
Ooh, you never hear about spooky news.
- Right?
- Ugh, tell me the bad news.
Well, the good news is,
the shoe phone worked great.
And it gives me hope
for my next invention,
the brain parasite phone.
Krieger, the bad news.
- The team was captured.
- What?
Oh, wait, there's more good news.
They're in Greece.
How is that good news?
Duh. It's olive season.
Okay, we have to rescue them.
You're all back on field duty.
Aww. Okay.
Ugh, I guess I'll get my knives.
Wait, how are we gonna get
there on such short notice?
You gave away the private plane.
I gave away Robert's plane
because we don't need it
or him or his stupid money.
There are other ways to travel.
- [grunting]
- Four to Athens, please.
No, I don't wanna check my knives.
I wanna carry them on the
plane like a normal person!
Hey, Cyril, they still allow
biological weapons on planes, right?
What? No!
- Oh, really?
- [Cheryl grunting]
Well, I'll be right back.
[Cheryl grunts]
I gotta say, Shelly,
for a slow, inevitable death jail,
this sea cave is pretty peaceful.
[turtle squeaking]
But a way out would be nice.
[Pavle] Where are the others?
- Sharks?
- There are no sharks in Greece.
There's sharks in the ocean.
All the oceans are connected.
You're telling me a shark
couldn't get to Greece?
And get into this particular sea cave?
Yeah, you've got a point there.
- [grunts]
- [spluttering]
[dramatic music]
Relax. I'm just trying to get your keys.
But if you keep struggling
[Pavle's spluttering stops]
Hang on. Did you already drown?
It's been, like, ten seconds.
Uh, note to Vanguard:
the guy guarding the water
jail should probably have
bigger lungs than a canary.
Take care, Shelly.
And sorry for killing
that guy in your cave.
Vanguard leader, come out to play!
[Zara] Move, asshole.
Oh, hey! You didn't drown.
And I drowned someone else.
It's called going
above and beyond, Zara.
Well, we're on step eight.
See this guy's face? Step seven.
Well, call me Saul of Tarsus.
Why, are you blinding magicians now?
No, you [scoffs] I'm a convert!
This woman has a plan.
She's like you, Archer,
if all the chaos and explosions
and deaths were intentional.
Everything I do is intentional.
Remember when I crashed a space shuttle
and Ray was paralyzed?
- Vaguely.
- Exactly.
"Exactly" what?
- He's even better now.
- Says who?
Well, if you're not, you
should've said something.
I complain literally all the time!
Anyway, I'm gonna keep
going on with the mission.
- Ha!
- [groans]
[tense music]
Tell me where your boss is,
or I will give you a bright idea.
Because of the light bulb in his brain.
- Nice.
- [grunts] What boss?
Your boss. The leader.
Of the Vanguard.
The Vanguard has no leader.
[laughs] What step is learning
your plan doesn't work?
But obviously, this
is bad for the mission.
Uh, getting dark in here.
- Yeah, two ways.
- [Vanguard member wheezing]
What do you mean the
Vanguard has no leader?
We're nonhierarchical.
Everyone is the leader.
To wipe out the Vanguard,
you have to kill all 61 members.
Technically 60. I
accidentally drowned a guy.
Maybe you know him? Bald?
Lungs like a baby bird?
- [yells]
- [grunting]
Damn! And damn.
- 59. So we're tied.
- Not for long.
- It's not a contest!
- But it could be.
We've got a lot of Vanguard to take out.
And an odd number. You
know, to avoid ties.
Yeah, 'cause that's
the most important thing
in a murder contest.
The murders were accidents, Ray.
- This will be more like
- A concussion contest.
Exactly, but never
finish my sentence again.
It's on. Whoever knocks
out the most guards
is officially the loosest cannon.
- Loser is
- A normal lady cannon?
If that's the label you prefer.
Wait, you're okay?
Nope. So that's two me, and
All the rest me!
Oh, good, another
mission based on spite.
I know!
Wait, was that sarcasm?
[Lana] I'm thrilled.
A rescue mission on a commercial plane
with checked guns
to save agents who failed to accomplish
our first mission for Interpol,
thus putting the entire future
of this agency in jeopardy.
Also, the moron in front of me
leaned his seat all the way back!
Hey, I'm just exercising
my right to recline.
And your right to suck.
I am calling the flight attendant.
Fine, go crying to your sky mom.
I just wanted to do things
differently, you know,
be the steady hand in the office,
but instead, here I am,
first mission in charge,
back in the field.
Maybe I can't leave.
I mean, Archer doesn't
work well on his own.
- Are you okay?
- No.
My submarine has bigger seats than this!
I asked you to charter
us a private plane.
And I thought flying
commercial would be funny!
They actually give you peanuts.
I thought that was
some kind of weird joke.
Five perfectly good bioweapons
thrown in a public trash can.
They should be in a
terrorist's trash can!
Stop saying those words on a plane.
Sir, I'm gonna need you
to come with me to
the back of the plane.
Ooh, upgrade.
I'll save your peanuts for later.
[dramatic music]
Oh, I'm sorry. Were
you gonna knock him out?
No. [grunts]
I was going to knock him out.
So you won't mind if I go after
The slowest, sickest guard
on some future mission?
Not at all.
You know, in a weird, accidental way,
they're kind of a good team.
[guard groans]

Yeah, they're a regular
Farrell and Balanchine.
Yeah, including the awkward age gap.
[both grunt]
Call it a tie?
Hey, he was already unconscious!
And excessive force is the tiebreaker.
Point Archer, which means
- [silverware clatters]
- I'm winning.
Damn, you guys have a cafeteria?
[sighs] We have to pay for our meals.
I'm just saying, if
the choice was between
eating this meal and the plane crashing,
I would choose the plane crash.
The chicken is very good.
My compliments to the chef.
Any chance the captain
could speed this flight up?
We're in a bit of a rush.
Maybe stepping up to run the
agency was the wrong move.
I mean, I thought being
in the office would be
better for AJ, but not if I end up
in the field every mission,
and Cheryl, I need you to stop.
[screams] I need more room!
This is like a plane for bugs!
Ma'am, just a reminder
that the captain has turned
on the fasten seat belt sign.
Just a reminder that I don't care.
Ma'am, I need you to calm down.
You are alarming the other passengers.
Well, they should be alarmed,
because I'm gonna buy this plane
and crash it into the ground
where all the other poor people live.
The sky is for the
rich, you fucking bugs!
[muffled shouting]
[all grunting]

[sighs] 25.
26 and 27.
Ugh, 21 again.
- [both grunting]
- Get your own.
I'm not the one who needs
to lay off the carbs.
Ha! Oh, now we're body-shaming?
Call it body-constructive criticism.
Same side, assholes!
- Pam, stop.
- What?
We need an odd number of guards.
If you knock one out,
Zara and I might tie.
Come on. Seriously?
[alarm blaring]
Hey, uh, before we
do this, one question.
Is anyone out sick today?
What is happening?
We landed an hour ago.
Excuse me.
Lana, we're not supposed
to take off our seat belts
until we're at the gate.
And the gate is right there.
Do they not know this
is a rescue mission?
On a commercial flight?
Huh. How would they not?
Are they leaving?
Hey! Hey!
You have a plane full of people here!
Ma'am, it's not yet safe to stand.
Oh, not safe? Why?
Are we in danger of running
into one of the zero employees
currently helping out there?
- Ma'am
- Oh, do not "ma'am" me.
I have jumped out of
planes over war zones
with a parachute made from a negligee.
I think I'll be fine crossing the tarmac
at Baklava International Airport.
Don't you dare come
at me with that ta
- [taser buzzing]
- [groaning]
[all grunting]
Ah, will you look at
that? An eye massager.
What'll they think of next?
- [yelps]
- [gunfire]
[all grunting]
How many is that?
Uh, little busy avoiding death
and not being able to fight back.
Well, I count 30!

Ah! Damn it!
[Zara grunting]
- Seriously?
- That face belongs to my fist!
- I could also just leave.
- [both] No!
[both grunting]
50 on Archer, but 20 on Zara
to break one of his arms.
Ugh, who puts olives in lasagna?
They are in season.

- [gunshot]
- Enough.
Uh, can whatever this is wait
until I knock out this terrified man?
I'm afraid not.
I'm the Warden, leader of the Vanguard.
- Wha
- Ugh!
Sorry, it's not you.
It's just, now there is an even number.
Look at us. Tied with our own zips.
Ugh, don't remind me of the tie.
It's 30 to 30.
Is that seriously what you're
thinking about right now?
I mean yes?
You know, I'm beginning to think
you're not aspiring new recruits.
We are, but she's a spy.
Ugh, we're all spies.
Is this still part of your plan?
"Plan" in massive air quotes.
Pretty sure y'all's little
competition derailed the plan.
- Or did it?
- It did.
- I derailed you.
- Ha!
So you admit there was a plan to derail.
No! Uh, shit. Hang on, I
- [gunshot]
- [groaning]
Do I have your attention?
Not really, no.
- [gunshot]
- [screams]
Have you ever heard that you catch
more flies with honey?
- [gunshot]
- Oh, right in the same hole!
[wheezing] Probably just luck.
- [gunshot]
- Oh!
[wheezing] It's not luck.
Same hole again. This guy's good.
Okay. You have his attention.
Still can't believe
you're not nonhierarchical.
A lie for my protection.
If no one believes there's a leader,
there's no leader to find.
But, you know, someone
has to write the checks
and decide which holidays to take off.
Oh, we've got someone like that.
She's, uh, new at the job,
but feel confident
saying she's bad at it.
It's certainly not going to help
that she's lost an entire team.
[high-pitched] What? What? What? What?
Why tie us up if you're just
gonna shoot us right way?
Why give 60 men concussions?
You have your process, and I have mine.
Wait! Are you really the
leader of the Vanguard?
- Yes.
- But really?
Really, really?
- [sighs] Yes.
- Great.
What the hell just happened?
- [gasps] Is that
- [Zara] Step 12.
Archer has a shoe phone.
I have a shoe gun.
Seems more useful.
Oh, also, that's 31 to 30, so I win.
Step 12?
I thought we were still on step nine!
Zara, I'm gonna tell you
what I told the dry cleaner
who got yuzu off my yukata:
- you might be a genius.
- Yeah, you might
- [alarm blaring]
- [female voice] Warden down.
Vanguard base to
self-destruct in five minutes.
The base explodes if the Warden dies?
Does the new leader have to
build a completely new base?
I'm a little more concerned
about how we're all tied to chairs
in a building that's about to explode.
So, genius, what part
of the plan is this?
Technically, the plan only went up
to killing the leader of the Vanguard,
so I guess the plan is to
blow up in five minutes.
New plan. [grunts]
Hope that the shoe
phones are waterproof.
- Archer.
- You'll have to speak up.
I'm calling on a long-distance shoe.
[Lana] We'll be there in five minutes.
[Krieger] Although, full disclosure,
the airline lost our bags,
so we don't have any
weapons or beach clothes.
Uh, additional full disclosure,
we're blowing up in four minutes.
- What?
- Okay, tell them
we have one knife.
Oh, where did you get that?
- Uh, I brought it?
- On the plane?
It's ceramic.
[Archer] Lana, in case we explode,
I want you to know,
I've never respected
- [line beeps]
- Archer? Archer.
The battery must be dead.
I told him I could've fit more batteries
in a kitten heel.
On the bright side, now
that we're tied to chairs
instead of a cave ceiling,
I can move close enough to do this.
[laughs] Do what? Kick the air near me?
You know that wasn't my intent!
Fight toward an exit.
We've got three minutes.
All you'd have to do is sit here,
and you'd never have to deal
with any of them ever again.
[alarm blaring]
And miss all that good TV?
[chuckling] No.

- Whoa!
- [grunting]
[all grunting]

[chair clattering]
[Archer groaning]
[both grunting]
Just let me go first!
[grunts] I'd rather die.
- You're about to.
- You don't know my explosion tolerance!
Grudge later, you dicks.
Oh, thank God. I'm so glad to see you.
31! We tied.
Oh, thank God. We're not too late.
[explosion booms]
Not too late for what, s'mores?
[Cyril] Oh, my God.
They're they're gone.
They're they're really gone.
If we can find even a shred of DNA,
I can bring them back.
In the bodies of dogs.
Any dog you want.
Collies, Labradors, pugs.

How do I keep forgetting I can do that?
Because you don't want
to admit to yourself
that you're an abomination?
Oh, there it is.
- Lana Kane.
- Zara Kahn.
So the leader of the Vanguard is dead.
Their facility is destroyed.
I believe Interpol would consider
that a mission accomplished.
And better luck next time, lady cannon.
Uh, more like same luck this time.
I got the final guard on the way out,
which means we tied.
What do you say to that?
Step 5B: provide a metaphorical fig leaf
for your limp, wilting ego.
[gasps] There were sub-steps?
There were sub-steps.
Uh, what's happening on this mission?
A commercial airline
made a powerful enemy.
Your attitude was tanking the mission,
so I gave you a goal to get you in line.
It's not a contest!
But it could be.
You thought you were proving
you were a loose cannon.
I had you tied down the whole time.
No, that's I this doesn't
make you the loose cannon!
Oh, I'm not a loose cannon.
I'm more a shotgun filled with scalpels.
Ooh, I'm getting one of those.
How have I not made one of those?
Hmm, maybe I don't need to go
back in the field after all.
How would you like a new job?
Would I have to relocate?
- I'm based in Europe.
- Oh. Uh
And if I do relocate, is
there a moving stipend?
Also, am I under a fixed contract?
Who deals with my migration status?
And if I quit, do I
get to keep the stipend?
Uh, sure that we can do, um
No! I'm fucking with you.
I've been looking for a new challenge,
and you seem like a better
boss than those Interpol pricks.
But I want what Archer makes, plus $1.
Wha on what basis?
On the basis that I was
the best at Interpol.
I'll be the best at
whatever you guys are.
- Deal. You are hired.
- What?
You know, I sort of
liked flying commercial.
There was more bondage than I expected.
What just happened?
I think you just got a new partner
who technically makes more than you.
[scoffs] Like I care.
Cyril, do you think
she knows I don't care?
- I don't know.
- Well, she needs to,
because I don't.

Made in Georgia.
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