Archer s14e03 Episode Script

Plaque Removal

- [Archer] How can you say that?
- [Zara] Pretty easily.
I push the air out of my throat
into words.
Is that how talking works?
[rasping] Hello.
Huh, it is just pushing out air!
All I'm saying is,
wearing that suit looks like
you're always wearing
a little costume to work.
- Little?
- Yeah.
Like those kids
that wear capes to school.
- Do you know how much this costs?
- Ugh. I mean, I feel like
I'm paying for it
with this conversation.
Okay, you know what?
Meeting over!
[Lana] Or meeting not over,
since the meeting
isn't even about that.
- It is now!
- It is not.
- This is the
- [Pam gasps]
The party house
that I suggested we buy?
- [laughs] Finally!
- No, and please don't guess again.
This is the English museum
that just hired us.
This artifact,
one of the 13 Golden Plaques,
is being transferred
between museums.
- We've been hired to protect it.
- From who, highwaymen?
There have been
some museum thefts recently,
so this is an easy chance
for us to be the good guys
- and get paid doing it.
- And perfect timing
to use the accent
Zara's helped me work on.
Hold on, is that why you've
been shouting things at me
- in a bad English accent?
- "Bad"?
[in English accent]
Cup of tea, guvnor!
Bit of a sticky wicket!
Fish and chips and all that.
You're lucky I like you.
Otherwise, that would be
the last air
- your throat ever pushed out.
- It doesn't count as offensive
when it's from
a really white country.
You don't get
to decide that.
[in Southern accent]
What if I talked like this
'bout burgers and fries
on the farm with Uncle Cletus?
Wait, you know
Pam's Uncle Cletus?
[normal accent] I'm from Wisconsin.
But he does sound like that.
Massive "anyway,"
it doesn't matter,
- because Pam's not going.
- What? Why not?
Because you have to stay here
to do the 3490s.
Pam has to clean the bathrooms.
No, they're assessment forms.
For the new employees.
Your HR duties?
Because you said
you could balance both jobs?
Damn it. I knew my own words
would be used against me.
- So I'll be going.
- Hmm. Sure you're ready, Lana?
You've been out of the field
for, what,
- three whole minutes?
- Yes, and also, shut up.
We don't need a chaperone,
and I speak for Zara too.
Firstly, I wouldn't even
let you speak for me
if I had a stroke and you were
the only person who could
translate my blinks.
Good call. He wouldn't
get your accent right.
Secondly, I don't mind
Ms. Kane going.
I thrive being in the field
with other strong female agents.
Wow, that self-adulation
just blended right in
with the sucking up, didn't it?
Sort of how your chlamydia
blends in with your syphilis.
Look, I'll just be coming along to show
the museum how seriously
we take this job.
[intercom beeps]
[Cheryl] And because
the museum curator
is on the board
of that fancy private school
you want AJ to get into!
Thank you, Cheryl.
[Cheryl] You're welcome!
[main title theme]

[bell tolling]
[Archer] Jesus, all of this for an
artifact I could fit into my pants?
[chuckles] Why is that
your unit of measurement?
Better than the metric system.
The museum takes artifact
protection very seriously,
hence us being paid to be here.
Apparently they're losing a ton
of stuff in transit because
huh, it doesn't say why.
But anyway,
that's why we're here.
She said, not finding it
suspicious that a government-funded
museum is keeping secrets
about the artifacts.
I assure you this museum
transfer is all very legitimate.
I'm Clarissa, the museum curator.
I'll be driving the truck to
accompany you with the artifact,
- and I'll be right with you.
- What a snob.
Did you see the way
she spoke to me?
She was hitting
that posh accent so hard
- it should file charges.
- Yeah, I feel like that's not
what just happened
in those three sentences.
And aren't your accents the same?
- They sound exactly the same, right?
- No, they don't!
We shouldn't bring her.
She'll mess up everything,
then blame it on her taxes
being too high.
I don't know, take off her
glasses and she's a British eight,
which is an American five
but a Canadian ten.
She knows about the artifact,
which is an asset,
and she'll see up close
how good we are at our jobs.
Since parents who do well have
Abernathy kids who do even better!
Oh, I'm grateful
for your help, Lana.
And the Abernathy board
will love this.
Well, that's a nice bonus but,
of course, not why we do this.
- I don't love this side of you.
- The Golden Plaques have been
on museum display for years.
But this one being transported
is believed to be cursed.
- Curse? What kind of curse?
- Probably the dumb, made-up kind
since curses are dumb
and made up.
Don't make fun of a curse, Archer.
Oh, my God,
Zara believes in curses!
Wait, you hired us
to protect you from a curse?
[laughing] No, no.
But the plaque is not meant
to be touched with bare hands.
Classic curse rules.
I can't believe you made fun
of my suits when this is way stupider.
The plaque is being moved
to off-site storage,
and items have been stolen
from museums recently,
likely the work of a smuggler,
Ibadan Peters.
So cursed or not, we want
to keep it in safe hands.
I want it on record
I don't like curses.
- Or ghosts. Or hoodoo.
- Oh, God, you're one of those.
Such a Capricorn thing to say.
Ugh, you guys are making
a great team.
Starting the old HR duties again
is kinda getting me excited.
You mean the head of HR job
that you were supposed
to be doing this whole time?
Come on, who even knows
who's supposed to do what?
- You, as the head of HR!
- Here are the employees to assess.
Ah, shitsnacks.
When did we get so many?
something you should know!
If it helps, I did
my own personal assessment
based on who'd be most useful
in an apocalypse.
- They'd all be food.
- Great start!
Everybody gets five points
for being edible.
It's not about free points.
All the employees deserve a chance
to improve their performance,
so you need
to assess them honestly.
Okay, well, Cyril gets an F.
Oh, my God,
that's how I marked him!
F, for food.
[tense music]

Think about it: if I said
I was done drinking, then
started drinking a week
later, what would that make me?
A more functioning alcoholic?
That's right, a hypocrite.
That's what you are, Lana.
Could you not say that
next to the woman
who could get our daughter
into one of America's
- top prep schools?
- [Archer] Fine.
I can talk about Miss Zara
"Anything for the Mission"
Why start that kind of insult
if you don't know
- my last name?
- I don't know.
Why are you so afraid
of a fake curse?
[Zara laughs] We'll see who's
laughing when you cough up blood.
Uh, pretty sure it will still be me.
Wait, can you laugh
and cough up blood
at the same time?
You know,
many of the staff members
at the museum believe in the curse.
In the same way
this country believes
it was part of winning
World War II?
[Lana sighs] Archer.
Actually, I find it
refreshing to meet someone
who isn't afraid of
superstitions and fantasies.
Oh, I'm not afraid of much,
but that doesn't mean
I don't believe
in other kinds of fantasies.
- [Lana] Archer!
- I mean, truck sex isn't
really one of them,
but if the windows are tinted,
I don't mind, mm, you know
[Zara] Jesus, Archer, shut up!
Someone is on the roof of the truck.
[Archer] There are highwaymen!
[Clarissa] No, it must be the
smuggler! But I can't stop the truck.
We're right along the cliff's edge.
Zara, let's get onto the truck.
[dramatic music]
[both grunt]
Good lord, that was incredible!
- Did you see what they just did?
- Okay, take it easy. It was fine.
Incredible would be climbing
out of this non-tinted window
and onto the top of the truck.
- So are you going to
- Well, yeah. I guess I have to now.
[both grunt]
This does not belong in a museum.
Really thinking this route
might not have been worth it.
- [child] Oi!
- Oh. Hey there, little
[both grunt]
[coughs] Oh, come on. I just
climbed all the way up there.
And how is that little kid
so strong?
- Good job, Half-Pint.
- Quick, grab the kid!
- Wait, we can't fight a kid.
- Then get the plaque.
So are you agreeing or
[tires squealing]
Could she drive a little smoother?
It's not her fault.
It's the wrong side of the road.
Not for her!

[Half-Pint grunts]
Um, yeah, not fighting him.
[horn blaring]
[tires squealing]
Does this even count as a fight?
Can you not remember from
your field work last month?
- Is now the time?!
- I don't know, Lana. It might be.
Wait, wait, wait!
You can't touch it.
For the last time,
curses aren't
[both grunt]
What the hell just happened?
Was this kid crouching?
Who does that?
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]

I really don't think bolas
are supposed to work like that.
What the hell
kind of smuggler was that?
Did he dislocate your shoulder?
- No!
- [gasps] Was it the curse?
Again, no.
[bones crack]
It was the child.
Oh, this is so exciting!
A truck fight while I was driving!
That is one word
for what you were doing.
I feel so powerful.
This might be the first time
I've ever felt alive.
Museum curation and being
on a children's school board
isn't as glamorous
as you might think.
Luckily, the plaque is still
in safe hands or safe pants.
You're proud you put
a centuries-old cursed artifact
in your pants?
- I'm not not proud.
- About that bad guy,
Peters doesn't seem
to fit the classic profile.
And the kid was weird, right?
I know!
Who has a child sidekick?
And where can I get one?
- [gasps] AJ!
- No.
Did I not mention all the artifacts
Ibadan Peters wants
are from Nigeria?
And that he takes issue
with them not being returned
to his country?
But you said this was all legit.
It is.
Those artifacts belong to us now.
[scoffs] For goodness' sake,
we've had them for generations.
Ah, yes,
the law of finders keepers.
Wait, is that the law here? Because
I just found this beer, and
It's warm!
Regardless of his intent,
Ibadan Peters was stealing
museum property,
and you kept the plaque safe.
And we love to see cooperation
within an Abernathy family.
Right, right, right, right.
Of course.
We can wait here for the
museum to send a new truck.
And in the meantime, I'd love
to speak with you privately
on the danger
of your exciting work.
I mean, yeah. Sure.
You think that's the first time
I've climbed
out of a moving truck
and fought a child?
- Actually, it might be.
- Maybe you could take me
to one of the rooms above
the pub and tell me more.
- Or show me.
- Wait, you're saying there are
rooms above bars here?
I thought that was just a myth.
Are Hobbits real?
- Huh?
- I was thinking,
it seems unfair of me to not
let you as senior employees
also have a say
in these assessments.
Pam! You haven't started?
I started to start, but it's
so boring compared to fieldwork.
Come on, Cyril, you're the one
that's all wet
for being a good employer.
Oh, please don't say it like that.
- Cheryl, you love judging people.
- You would think that.
And Krieger, I mean, what
are you even doing right now?
Shh! Look, if I don't tell
you, then he can't hurt you.
I mean, it can't hurt you.
- I mean, nothing!
- Great. Then we can split these up
so I won't blow my brains out.
All I wanted was to get
my daughter into a good school,
and now Archer's upstairs
probably ruining
the whole reason
I took this stupid job.
I thought you took this job
for us to "be the good guys."
Yeah, I did.
It was both.
But now we're obviously
on the side of the
- [sighs] Stuff-takers.
- You can say "colonizers."
And you must've known that
when you took the job
working for an English museum.
We almost exclusively have
things from other countries.
Okay, I knew but kinda
wanted to pretend I didn't.
I mean, it's just
how the world works.
- But does it have to?
- No, not have to, but
Pays you to and gives you
New York private school perks?
- Huh.
- Can I speak frankly with you?
- Have you not already been?
- Here's where you messed up.
You took this job
for personal benefit
but chose to ignore
an obvious morality issue,
you let an unhinged rich idiot
come along
and gave her the power
to tell us what to do,
and we're dealing
with some kind of curse
likely eating our insides away
as we speak.
- Um
- And really, this was all
to get something you wanted.
No, not for me.
For my daughter.
So you're saying that despite
trying to run
a morally good agency,
I'm morally bankrupt.
No! I'm saying I wish
Skanky Poppins up there
would just
Stop! Wait.
There has to be an explanation.
This never happens.
- I'm sure it doesn't.
- Lana, tell her.
Tell her I'm never not able
to perform.
Uh, yeah, I would,
but no part of me wants to.
You're touching the plaque
with your hands.
- You're cursed!
- Yes!
Oh, thank God. It's the curse.
So I'll just get rid
of this thing,
and we go back upstairs
and, you know
You idiot!
Why would you hold on.
Where's the museum tag? It
was attached when we packed it.
The curse must've
burned it away.
Oh, my God, Archer, that's
not even how curses work.
Don't make fun of the curse, Zara!
- It's real.
- Wait.
The gold doesn't go
all the way through.
- It's paint.
- And no museum tags means
The curse causes flaccidity
and fake gold.
No, it means Ibadan must've
swapped the plaque out
with a replica.
- He's got the real one.
- Oh, God!
But this one can still be
cursed too, right? Right?
[Clarissa] I can't believe
you let this happen!
Ibadan Peters got away
with the real plaque!
I don't understand.
You believe in something so
much, and then it lets you down.
Then it all feels like a lie.
- Is he talking about
- Not the plaque
- and instead his un-erect dick?
- Hey, too soon, Lana.
You have to find Ibadan Peters!
He's likely at the nearest port
escaping with the plaque.
- Get there now and arrest him!
- Uh, okay, we don't arrest people
because we're technically not
law enforcement.
Or nontechnically, technically.
Plus, we were hired
to protect the plaque.
It seems like this guy wants
the same thing
but just disagrees with you
on the how.
And after this little snafu,
you apprehending Ibadan
will look really good to the
museum and the school board.
Do you understand what I mean?
Well, you're pretty much
just directly saying it,
so yes, if you catch my drift.
- Good.
- [Archer] Wait!
You should come with us,
since you like
all the danger and excitement.
There might be another fight.
- A really sexy fight.
- Oh! This is so sad.
And then you and me can just
try this whole thing again
so you can see that it was
all just the curse.
Definitely just the curse.
Not me.
I'm all right.
There's no reason
to be nervous, man.
These assessments are just a
way to help you with your goals.
So what exactly are your goals?
- Oh, um
- They could be anything.
Not just office shit.
Like, I used to really want
to be in the field.
I mean, HR is great,
but when you're out there,
something else takes over.
And when you're wailing
on somebody,
there's nothing quite like
bashing their head in
and seeing parts of their brain
scatter across the floor!
Now that's how you get
inside someone's head!
[breathing heavily]
I feel like I'm not describing it right.
Hold on.
I'll draw you a picture.
All your data entry here
is up-to-date.
Ah? Get it? Date-ah?
You'll come to know me
as the office jokester.
This is going really well, huh?
It is, right? 'Cause you can
say if it's not because
Look, I'm not saying
he'll definitely hurt everyone.
I'm just saying that
this agency cutting my budget
will only hurt the entire office
in ways
you won't even comprehend
until it's too late.
[employee yelps]
[alarm beeps]
Aww, don't be afraid.
He will smell that.
Anyway, you're interested
in science division!
So do you just wanna be
a lab rat,
or do you aspire to more things?
Do you do anything
other than answer phones,
not exercise, and only eat
meats and cheeses?
Then you get a D for delicious!
All right.
We've been at it for a while.
I mean, we've gotta be
about done, right?
Why is this stack so big
and the ones we've done
is so small?
Did we only do one each?
Technically, mine fainted,
so I'm still at zero.
- But it's been two hours?
- How is that possible?
Oh, my God!
Does that mean I can go home?
[stealthy music]

- [Lana] There they are.
- So are we tying them up
- or killing them or
- Jesus, Zara!
Oh, now you have a moral red line.
Working for a museum is
way different
- than killing kids.
- Which part?
- The part where you kill a kid!
- We're not killing them.
We might need them
to break the curse
that's been unceremoniously put on me.
And also, neither of them are
really that bad,
and one's a child.
Sure. Yeah.
We've all got reasons.
- [whistles]
- Jesus. Where was this kid trained?
Stop. We're not doing that.
This curse has already taken
too much.
[both grunt]
Voles? [voles chittering]
Why'd it have to be voles?
Is that something
you run into a lot?
Museum tags and all.
I sent our location to Clarissa,
and the police
should be here soon.
Stop, stop, stop.
You don't understand.
The museum will keep the plaque
locked away in storage
rather than return it to my country.
- I'm just doing what is right.
- Really? You clearly kidnapped
this poor child and forced him
into a life of crime.
I weren't kidnapped, Miss!
Ibadan adopted me
from a life on the streets
and taught me about the
importance of a country's culture.
- Huh. That's kinda noble.
- So we're just skating over
this kid constantly being
in harm's way?
I mean, I can drop it. I just
don't know where the line is.
- Neither do I, Zara!
- More importantly,
you need to remove the curse
from any [clears throat]
body parts
it may have impacted.
The curse of the plaque?
It will be broken
when the plaque is returned
to Nigeria, which I want to do.
Great, so we're
letting him go, right?
We're all agreed?
And done.
- Whoa, hey. Wait a minute.
- Lana, this is bigger than you!
And I've gotta say,
I don't love the idea
of this adorable urchin
going to jail.
I mean, yes, the plaque
should be returned to Nigeria.
With the curse!
- But you did steal it.
- Oh, please.
You know, you Americans,
you like to take your time
sitting on the fence, don't you?
Will you shut up?
I'm trying to help you.
Or you are wasting time before
the cops come to arrest me.
- Is that what you're doing?
- No!
Hey, there's no time for this.
He's probably the reason
our organs are shriveling away.
- What?
- So we are killing them?
Ugh, I can't believe I actually
miss the office right now.
All right, team, here we go.
Everybody listen up, okay?
Do not include me in this.
- We realized that it's unfair of us
- I'm not part of this.
to judge and assess all of you.
- It doesn't make us good bosses.
- Oh, God.
So we all decided
the best judge is
So you'll self-evaluate.
But sign my name at the bottom
to make clear
that you're also
your own HR rep.
You're all your own me!
[all groan]
And you're all getting raises.
[all cheer]
What the hell, Pam?
Lana just gave everyone raises.
We can't afford to do it again.
Oh, well,
it's probably someone's job
to let everyone know
that bummer news, right?
Yes, it's the head of HR's job.
Oh, look! It's Beauregard.
Hey, buddy.
You have something to say?
[as Beauregard] Cyril's got
a tiny squid's dick.
[as herself] Beauregard!
He's going through some stuff.
[sirens wailing]
[both grunting]
- And that's for the curse!
- This is meant to be a fake fight.
Yeah, but it has to look real.
I'm cursed, not anemic.
[blow lands]
Oh, that was better!
Wait, wait, wait,
that is a lot of police.
What if they shoot?
It'll ruin the plan.
Oh, the UK police don't carry
What the hell?
Well, 90% of UK police
don't carry guns, and it looks
like there's ten of them,
so numbers-wise,
one would have a gun.
Oops! Uh, sorry.
I was aiming for the bad guy.
- [Archer groans] Sure.
- Not the time!
That was you
trying to knock me out?
Come on, there's only so much
performance I can give here.
I was not trying
to knock you out.
I just needed you in position.
- Ha! He got me again.
- [chuckles]
[Archer] That kid is a damn genius.
[laughs, coughs]
Oh, you can laugh and cough up
blood at the same time.
[bones crack]
I knew it.
[both grunt]
- Wait! I have the plaque.
- And he'll pay for stealing it!
Arrest him!
[all grunting]
Wait, you're not supposed
to be the one driving.
- You're a kid!
- [laughs]
[tires squealing]
Hit the gas, Half-Pint!
[tires squealing]
No, no, no! Did he escape?
- You should go after him!
- Looks like he's gone through, innit?
Eh, get him next time.
Fish and chips and all that.
I believe our job was
to keep the plaque safe,
and now it is.
My team and I can
go after Ibadan
if that's what the museum wants.
No, no, you did your job.
Thank you.
I suppose this adventure got me
a little carried away.
There are perhaps
certain parts of this
that could stay between us.
Like you trying to turn this
into a capture mission
or like you trying to bang a guy
- who side-piped an artifact?
- Right.
Completely unrelated,
I do look forward to welcoming AJ
- to Abernathy in the autumn.
- Seems like a fair trade-off.
There are very few things
America does well,
but the Abernathy school
is one of them.
Huh. She is patronizing.
[ship horn blares]
[Lana sighs]
Good thing Ibadan had
another reproduction.
That one gets locked away,
and the real one goes home.
You made the right call.
The curse is broken
thanks to two
strong female agents
working together to overcome
one agent's
willful moral blindness.
- Wait a second.
- No, thank you.
You know, thinking about it, that
guy probably made up the curse
so he could get to the plaque,
which means I was right,
which means curses aren't real!
Which means you're impotent.
Never mind.

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