Archer s14e05 Episode Script

Keys Open Doors

Ibiza is in shambles.
Ever since this new
highly addictive, uncut cocaine
hit the streets, bars and clubs
have become ghost towns.
People only leave their rooms
to get more drugs.
ODs are through the roof.
Ms. Kane, will you help us?
Nina, rest assured,
we will take care of it.
We will not stop until Ibiza
is 100% cocaine-free.
[Nina] Wow, ha, 100%.
That number feels high?
High like too much
or high like everyone in Ibiza?
Obviously, eliminating
all drugs would be fantastic,
but these new drugs
are first priority.
After that, you could
probably just um, stop.
Wait, are you saying you want
some cocaine on the streets?
Not want per se, no.
Drugs are, and I think we
all agree here, uh bad?
- [people murmuring]
- I mean, the thought
of people doing that stuff
dancing all night, buying drinks
total nightmare.
Got it, eliminate the drugs
that are hurting your business.
Ignore the drugs that are helping it.
We've tracked production
of the super strain
to this remote town.
Destroy that facility,
and we'll save
so many innocent euros.
Hasta luego!
Now, obviously, we've got
an important job here
Yeah, figuring out why
you're not calling it "Ibitha."
Because, dumbass,
it's spelled with a Z.
Ha! Tell it to Peter of
Castile, lisping king of Spain,
originator of the fricative shift.
- That's a myth.
- I think you mean "myz."
Look, you can sort out
Catalonian history
tomorrow before your mission.
- Ooh, not gonna work for me.
- What?
Yeah, I've got
a deep-tissue massage,
a cold plunge,
and then a mineral bath
because I'll be on vacation.
And when were you going
to notify HR about that?
Oh, I already did
in that sentence I just said.
Do you guys not practice self-care?
- That would be Cyril's specialty.
- No self-care?
No wonder you're all aging so rapidly.
I just thought
you didn't wear sunscreen
or mixed up your loofah
with a belt sander.
Well ciao!
- She can do that?
- You mean piss me off to the point
where my eyeballs
burst into flame?
Jeez, no,
I meant the vacation thing.
[Lana sighs]
[main title theme]

[Archer] Ah, the field.
Real change of pace for you, Lana.
Last time you were out here
was way back
in the distant past of,
- what, a week ago?
- Ow!
Am I supposed to respond
or just let you
continue self-douching?
- I'm honestly fine either way.
- Well, yes, I've had to repeatedly
leave the comfort of my office
to bail you knucklefucks out
with my superior skills.
Whoa, whoa, let's skip the part
where you do a fancy maneuver
with your gun
and then accidentally
obliterate that innocent bird.
[snake hisses]
So should I skip the part
where I save your life too?
[bird squawks]
[sighs] Sometimes I think
it is we who are the animals.
Look, at least I'm actually
here, all right,
and not taking
a spa day like Zara.
- Well, I, for one, applaud Zara.
- Wait, don't you hate self-care?
Not as much as I love
redefining my flaws as virtues.
Hold on, self-care break.
I am all for living
a healthy, balanced life
[spits, laughs]
Oh, my God, don't talk
like that while I'm drinking.
- So never?
- Hey, you do you.
I'm just saying that I'm paid
to travel the world,
be a professional badass
and look great doing it.
- And that is my self-care.
- Yeah, you seem relaxed.
Look, I'm in favor
of self-care,
just not calling it self-care.
[guards grunt]
It's just new words
for the selfish shit
we all need to get
through the goddamn day.
- Why dress it up?
- Ah, so, what,
your version of self-care
is narcissism?
Whoa, let's not throw around
terms like that
without a licensed therapist
who, yes, in fairness,
did diagnose me with that
before trying to sleep with me
while simultaneously replacing
Mother psychologically, so
- grain of salt.
- [Cyril] Hey, I'm with Lana.
- Work is my vacation.
- That's not
[Cyril] You know what gets me
out of bed in the morning?
The thought of my job.
- Now, hang on
- [Cyril] Hell, I hope I die peacefully
- sitting at my desk.
- We want that for you too, Cyril.
Jesus, Cyril! Not helping!
Sounds like somebody
could use a Thick Red.
No one could use a Thick Red,
least of all the person
copiloting the helicopter.
[alarm beeps]
And especially not when the solano
is particularly bad today.
The solano?
It's a warm, easterly wind?
An extension of the sirocco,
come on.
Let's just focus on the mission.
[Pam] Maybe you just need
to embrace the now, Lana.
I am trying to embrace the now,
which is the mission
we are currently on.
- Detonator.
- Hmm, maybe I dropped it
when you massacred
that endangered kingfisher.
Dios mío! Intrusos!
Kill them!
[Archer] Oh, shit!
- Cyril, we need an extract now!
- Hey! And land smoothly!
I could use a Thick Red,
and I don't want it
spraying all over me!
[dramatic music]
[both grunt]
- [Cyril grunts]
- Hey, Cyril, the spinning part
- is supposed to point up!
- You think I don't know that?
[grunts] I'm dealing
with a solano, a leveche,
a poniente,
and what feels like a terral!
Naming the winds
won't make us not die!
[all scream]

[helicopter crashes]
[Lana] Look, it's not so bad,
all right?
we can circle back, get this patched
[explosion booms]
Oh, boy. Bet you wish you
were back at the office, huh?
[phone rings]
So we've got a few potential
topics for workplace research.
One, do the drones work harder
if they're given
gourmet cuisine
that they're later told
- is lab-grown human flesh?
- But why-uh?
Why lab-grown?
Pfft, that part's a lie.
- Option two
- [groans]
Was that a groan of excitement?
No, it's a groan
of regular groan-uh!
Why? With Lana gone
and us in charge,
- we can do whatever we want!
- But what's the point?
Well, I guess I'd say
that these projects
let me see myself as more than
a cog in a soulless machine
and stir the cold ashes of my soul,
if only for a moment.
Duh, you don't have
to explain self-care to me.
But then just Lana comes back,
undoes everything,
and never leaves us
in charge again?
So we have nothing
to look forward to?
Huh, is there a reason
you have this newfound
sense of perspective?
Well, I'm off, like,
60% of my meds
ever since the stupid
horse doctor had to leave town.
I told him the horse cops were
a bad sign, but did he listen?
Yeah, I think those were just
cops riding regular horses.
[Cheryl] Hey, guys, I just
want you to all work normally
and have a normal day,
because apparently,
that's all we're here for.
Ugh, leave me. I must brood.
I think you just discovered
your secret weapon.
I don't like it. They've
got to be up to something.
- But what?
- I say we strike now,
before they get
their plans in order.
So we can mess with them
and not get blamed?
And do we need to add
- the human flesh thing to this, or
- God, just freeze it.
What is the point of going back in
- if we don't have the detonator?
- You should really bring backups
for these kind
of important things.
I shouldn't even have to be here!
It isn't like
we asked you to come.
So I should've just left this
in the hands
of a helicopter pilot
who can't fly,
a beer-drinking copilot,
and the guy
who can't keep track
of the one thing we need
to accomplish the mission?
In that case, we should probably
just let you handle it.
[light music]
You know, it's been a while
since I went on holiday.
Thick Red?

[Archer] But would I have
lost the detonator
if you hadn't been talking
my ear off about self-care?
Yes! Or if not,
you would've been too hungover
to get out of bed or flirting
with the mayor's daughter.
Totally unfair, Lana.
None of us has any idea
if the mayor's daughter is hot.
Uh, maybe we should be trying
a little harder
to blend in right now.
Hola, amigos.
We're from here.
[Cyril] How can we act normal?
We're wearing tactical gear.
Fishermen don't know that.
Fishermen are smarter
than you think.
They're the dairy farmers
of the sea.
- You don't milk fish.
- You don't know what I do.
Wait, what is Archer doing?
Name's Domingo.
I just moved here.
I'm the new
marlin fisherman.
- They have those here, right?
- Marlin guy, huh?
Then what's your favorite part
of the fish?
Uh, the the face?
Classic marlin guy,
always talking about fish faces.
Bienvenidos, amigo!
Did you see
how natural that was?
Maybe part of me
was always Domingo.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
I'm cutting this off here.
We are not getting sidetracked.
- I hate to admit it, but Archer
- Uh, Domingo.
has a point. If we're trapped
here, we'll need to blend.
At least for a day or two
while we try to regroup.
Fine, but while we blend,
can we please come up
with a plan?
Oh, really? I thought
you could handle that
all by yourself,
since we're so incompetent.
Look, maybe I was
a little harsh, okay,
but let's find a hotel
and figure aah.
I'm still here to talk cover story.
Maybe we operate
a fair-trade tourism company.
Sure, we're not one
of the big guys, but we
care. [sighs]
[light music]

Hey, Señora Luz,
if that sink
gives you trouble again,
you call me.
But if your husband is giving
you trouble call me twice.
- Ya-ha-ha!
- H-hey there, buddy.
Saved you an eyeball.
Ah! Gracias, Tío Domingo!
Now, you share that
with your sister.
[bell ringing]
Marlin tonight, boys!
- [patrons] Olé!
- [laughing] You guys.
You know, Pamela,
the sun's setting
on my time at the bar.
I need someone to take over.
Think about it, eh?
I know everybody
says this on vacation, but
should we change our names,
get fake passports,
and burn off our fingerprints?
- You know, really make it official?
- No. No, right?
I mean, I just started
doing this to piss off Lana.
But honestly, I haven't felt
peace like this ever.
Spending my days at sea,
alone with my thoughts?
Pam, I have incredible thoughts,
- Well, it only works at sea.
- I honestly feel the same.
Window washing
is a simple trade,
but I'm truly helping people.
What more could you ask for?
Maybe a completed
fucking mission.
Unbelievable! Have you guys
done any recon at all,
learned literally anything of use?
Uh, yeah, I befriended
a charming sea otter
who helped me rediscover
my inner child.
They hold hands, Lana!
This isn't self-care time!
This is mission time!
Lucky for you beach bums,
I have a plan
for all of us
to retrieve the detonator.
What do you mean shrug?
I have a date with the high seas.
Also a Spanish waitress.
And washing windows
has been a breakthrough for me.
I've made space in my heart to
really forgive my father for
Oh, suck my dick, all of you.
Once again, I will bail you out
and handle it myself!
Let's just ride this out
till the client complains.
Speaking of,
is it weird that the office
hasn't checked in this whole trip?
Well, looks like us being normal
has unnerved them so deeply,
it activated a raw primal fear,
not unlike when a gazelle
senses an unseen predator.
God, like I need any more
reasons to hate gazelles.
So we didn't get
to do anything weird
and we're going to get
the short leash?
I told you
this was a stupid plan!
- No, you didn't.
- Well, then I guess it's time
to turn up the heat and get
these dumb gazelles back to work.
I think you know
what we have to do now.
[both laughing wickedly]
[ominous music]
[dramatic music]
Wait! Wait, please.
I'm I'm here on business.
I'm a club owner from Ibiza,
and I-I need cocaine.
It's an emergency!
[person clears throat]
Gentlemen, no need for violence.
She's merely a customer
traveling alone
to a remote village.
Uh, I-I came
with my, um, entourage.
But they're all
in terrible withdrawal.
Guess it's true what they say:
hard to find good help,
harder to find good coke.
So true. Come on.
I have what you need.
So how do you like
being a club owner in Ibiza?
Must be nice.
[Lana] To be honest,
it kind of sucks.
I mean, everyone else
is on vacation,
and you're the one
stuck with the work.
Sure, the big, fancy office
looks nice,
you spend all your time
putting out fires,
and before long,
you start to lose touch
with what you love about
- clubbing.
- Ugh, tell me about it.
You'd think mass-producing
cocaína would be sexy,
but it's, uh, a lot of paperwork.
Oh, God, that is a lot of paperwork.
[Rodrigo sighs]
Beautiful, no?
And are they naked
to prevent them
- from stealing product?
- [Rodrigo chuckles]
Well, they're certainly
not stealing any hearts.
My workers put the product
through every
quality control test imaginable
to ensure its purity.
- Go ahead, see for yourself.
- Oh, yup.
Uh, got it,
that process is very pure.
Miss, how can you tell
from this angle?
You have to get in close.
It's a full sensory experience.
- Looks great.
- Now let me show you
the room
where these facility workers
do calisthenics
with the coca plants.
Oh! Yeah, so that's
an interesting painting.
Oh, that's my old
coke tester, Junio.
One night, we did
so many lines together
that he transcended
time and space.
He could actually see
a few seconds into the future.
- How could you tell?
- [chuckles] He beat up the whole bar.
Nobody could touch him
until the next day.
They were mad,
and he was sleepy.
Poor Junio.
Now, let's get down to business.
- Señores. [claps hands]
- And these are?
Cocaine sommeliers.
Let's get you the right blow
for your club.
Oh, shit.
[light music]
Hey, you established the precedent
that I could pay you in fish,
so it would be real shitty
of you to stop now.
Well, it turns out, we can't pay
the electric bill in fish, so
Oh, so it's all about you now?
I reek of flounder,
I have sea salt rash
that's bigger
than my actual body,
and the sea otter that I
befriended has abandoned me,
so how about you get me
a damn drink?!
Since you established
this fish barter system,
to stay afloat,
I had to turn part of the bar
into a for-profit prison.
And now you profit from injustice!
To be fair, Cyril,
you were caught peeping.
I was cleaning
the mayor's daughter's window.
- For two hours?
- It was really dirty.
I'll bet it was.
What do we do?
Is this a sign?
Should we tap out
and go help Lana?
[sighs] I could really use
an incredible thought
about the nature
of inner peace right now.
Goddamn, I said goddamn!
- Whoo!
- Now, that one pairs well
with investment banking
and light fraud.
Mm, then again
don't they all?
[Lana laughs]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what doesn't
pair well, buddy?
Work and life.
It's been bananas since I took
over as head of the club!
And now here I am again,
cleaning up
after my incompetent, uh
- Club employees?
- Yes! Yes, yes!
You get it!
You feel me, right?
It's like we're speaking in
jazz, you know what I'm sayin'?
Like, I'm over here
like Coltrane, like
[mimics jazzy saxophone riff]
And you're over like Miles, like
[mimics jazzy trumpet riff]
Cocaine ♪
Okay, you've officially gone
from coke-fun to coke-annoying.
[snaps fingers]
Hey! What the shit, man?
- I'm bearing my fuckin' soul to you.
- Well, one, I know you're a spy.
And, two, your soul
it's pretty boring.
Wait, how did you know
I was a spy?
I w I was so careful.
I kept saying "club."
You also kept saying "Ibiza."
Come on, even tourists
manage to say it right.
Wait, so you knew the whole time?
What was even the point
of all of this, then?
We get movies
pretty late down here,
so it was either make a spy
do blow for several hours
or watch Gone with the Wind.
- How late do you get movies here?
- Mm, preeeetty late.
So instead you use people
as your playthings?
Guess being a massive drug dealer
and owning everything in a
small town will do that to you.
That's where I know
these guys from.
- They're the dockhands!
- Yes.
It's crazy how long it took you
to put that together.
Now, the charade was fun,
but, uh, enough is enough.
Adios, Coltrane.
Oh, I'm three months sober!
- Stop her!
- Oh!
[exciting music]
- [grunts]
- Huh?
[guard screams]
She's up there!
No way she'll jump.
She's too
[both grunt]
- [both grunt]
- high.
Wow, I didn't set her up
for that one.
We are not leaving this room
until we figure out
why they're acting this way.
[phone rings]
And does anyone know
where Kurt went?
[distorted voice]
Hello, Brenda.
I am the Watcher,
the one whom Krieger and Cheryl
have been trying to appease.
You have encouraged the other
workers to stop working,
and you must pay!
[lights click]
Now you have to deal with me.
- [person screaming]
- Still wondering
where Kurt went?
Listen carefully, Brenda.
There's only one means
of atonement:
fill out forms 308C
and have them on Cheryl's desk
- by 5:00 if you can!
- What?
[Watcher] And don't forget
to loop in Stetson
from accounting, even if it means
pinging him over lunch!
Uh, what's up Bren-Bren?
- [normally] Homeys?
- [Greg] So
they're not masterminds
feigning normalcy
as part of a psychosexual
game of life or death?
No, thank God.
They're just idiots who've
been given too much power.
Let's just get back to work.
[upbeat music]
[phone rings]
[Krieger] Huh, so being
our weird selves made them feel
secure enough to start working.
With all this, I bet they get
a regular amount of work done
this week.
So that means we did it!
We're average!
- Ha!
- Yeah!
God, is this what the rest
of America feels like?
Look, I'm not
totally solvent yet,
so this triple whiskey
is mostly Diet Shasta.
[glass shatters]
[explosion booms]
God damn it, just say
you don't like the drink!
[Cyril groans]
Everyone turned on us?
- [gasps] Even
- [growling]
Lil Ricky, where's Archer?
[engine revving]
[both grunt]
- Lana, you're alive!
- And thank God I am.
I barely made it out
of there in one piece.
Couldn't find the detonator
anywhere, and I was sure
it was in the bathroom,
so I kept having to be like,
"Can I go to the bathroom?"
And then Rodrigo was like,
"What, do you have
a yeast infection?"
And he seemed
genuinely concerned,
and he gave me the name
of a good urologist.
It was, like, a Dr. Tay?
D-Dr. Pug?
Uh, anyway,
and then I felt weird,
and then they shot at me a bunch.
- And hit you a bunch. Are you okay?
- Huh. Barely felt it.
Even though he's trying to kill
us, I gotta hand it to Rodrigo.
He has got some great cocaína.
Oh, right.
I never even thought to ask.
Pam, is being close to cocaine
triggering for you?
Look, I'm not proud
of that period of my life.
You know how when you're a kid
and you've been craving
some specific kind of candy
and you get some birthday money
and you buy, like,
six bags of it
and eat it all and get sick
and never want it again?
For me, it's like that with cocaine.
Except I still want it.
[snapping fingers]
But more urgently,
care to tell us
why I'm unloading a clip
on the regulars
I've come to think of
as familia?
[both grunt]
Rodrigo doesn't just run the coke.
He runs the town.
Everyone from the facility
lives down here.
I mean, well,
maybe not everyone.
I actually ran into some crazy
census data, but
Focus! What about the locals
and the fishermen?
Oh, right! Yes! Yes! Yes!
They are the locals and fishermen!
- Yes, that's it!
- The entire town
makes cocaine for Rodrigo?
How else are we supposed
to make a living out here?
Uh, tourism? [chuckles]
You've got all this nature
and priceless architecture.
Not for long.
Fire in the hole!
[explosion booms]
[all grunting]
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
[explosion booms]
Damn it!
That's it!
I oh, shit.
Things look bad for the gang.
I've gotta go save them.
But once I step off this boat,
Domingo is no more.
Is paradise truly paradise
if it comes at such a steep price?
What a quandary.
Okay, I can decide after I
beat the ass of whoever did that.
Buenas noches, Domingo.
Give it up. You're surrounded.
So step out here
and we can preserve
at least some of this
irreplaceable architecture.
Any last words?
- Domingo?
- [Archer yells]
Hey, everyone.
Three things.
One, I never caught any fish.
I'd hike every day to a town
over and buy marlin at the market.
- Aw, I looked up to you.
- Two, Lana, I owe you an apology.
With your level of chaos
and unprofessionalism,
you absolutely deserve
to be in the field.
- Archer
- You're lucky
I'm in great shape, by the way.
I swam that mile in no time.
- Archer!
- Wait! Shit!
- How are you still standing?
- [Rodrigo] What can I say?
Great coke.
[Lana snorts, groans]
[tense music]

[both grunting]
[Lana growls]

[Lana grunts]
Holy shitsnacks!
How'd you do that?
Oh, me, just transcended
time and space.
Junio says hola, by the way.
Ugh, whatever.
I'm over this place.
And if I ever say anything
about self-care,
remind me that it's just
rebranded narcissism.
- Will that stop you?
- No. That's why I like it.
You know,
maybe it's the kilo coursing
through my bloodstream,
but you're right.
We're spies, not tourists.
So what was
your third confession?
[Archer laughs]
When did you find it?
Almost right away.
[Lana growls]
[explosion booms]
[Lana] Ah.
[inhales sharply]
once I come down from all this coke,
Cheryl and Krieger are fired.
I don't know,
after all that cocaína,
you might wanna
wean your body off it
over the next couple of
Shit. Yeah. Huh.
Well, maybe self-care
isn't all that bad.
Oh, no, you mean
Yeah, what's a vacation
without a souvenir?
No, Lana.
I've been down that road.
That stuff will cost you
family, friends, everything.
All right. Great.
14-hour boat ride, sober.
Anyone else wanna make it
any fucking shittier?
I bet you're thinking,
should the solano winds
be this active this time of year?
Well, interesting question,
- and the answer is
- Rhetorical!
[sighs] I miss my sea otter.
[otters squeal]

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