Archer s14e06 Episode Script

Face Off


Whoo-hoo! Office vacation!
No, office mission.
[groans] Why are we
always doing missions?
- Because it's our job.
- You don't even know what I do.
- Do you?
- What?
Look at this place
is our mission to stop people
from getting up crazy early
and using towels to claim
- the best lounge chairs?
- Probably not.
What's wrong with using a towel
to claim a chair?
Ugh, are you really
one of those people?
- One of what people?
- One of those people who thinks
they own the best seats
at the pool and can ruin
- everyone else's vacation.
- So it is a vacation!
Not a vacation!
And not a resort.
It's a luxury plastic surgery
facility in Costa Rica.
Pfft, anyone can put plastic
in a body.
I can put an entire universe
inside of you.
Interpol received intel that
one of the world's
foremost drug kingpins will be
a patient at the facility.
This is your target: El Cambiante.
Wait, these are the best photos
we have?
They're the only photos we have.
El Cambiante is incredibly secretive.
- Same.
- Oh, please.
- [cuckles] You share everything.
- Aha!
So my true secrets remain hidden.
You have worse secrets
than the ones we already know?
- Wait, what kind of se
- Nobody ask!
No one knows what
El Cambiante looks like
because every five years,
he changes his appearance.
Your mission is to pose as patients,
find El Cambiante,
and take him alive
before he changes his face.
Huh, their rates are actually
really reasonable.
- Botox in, bad guy out. Got it.
- [laughs] You get Botox?
Regular touch-ups when I'm young
will help me avoid looking
like you when I'm older.
Why would you want to avoid
looking perfect?
You should look at a mirror
- and not a photo from 20 years ago.
- There wouldn't be any difference!
- I mean, there's some difference.
- [laughs] Crow's feet.
Say the word
and I can give you tiger feet.
Lana, tell them I look as good,
if not better than ever.
You don't, I won't,
and your plane leaves in an hour.
Uh, this?
This is for a different mission.
[gasps] I call Pam's mission!
[main title theme]

So tell me what you don't like
about yourself.
Whoa, doc, that's a tough one.
I mean, I guess I've been told
my features are too striking.
- I like everything about myself.
- Then why are you here?
I don't know,
why are any of us here?
Standard touch-up injections
at the orbicularis oculi,
glabella, and frontalis.
Not too heavy. I like to glare.
So what's the craziest thing
you've ever put inside a person?
- I
- Follow-up.
What's the craziest thing you'd like
to put inside a person?
[sighs] Why are you naked?
I thought you were gonna
circle my problem areas.
U-unless you want me to circle them.
This is my first plastic surgery.
[doctor] You want to know
the ages of all the guests?
Well, only for sex reasons.
Do you know what would happen
if I went full Archer
on a 60-year-old
because I thought she was 30?
We'd be having sex on her deathbed.
Which is actually something I've done
not that my penis killed her.
Yeah, I can't in good conscience
- recommend any surgical procedures.
- Because I'm already perfect?
Because I wouldn't feel comfortable
putting someone in your
condition under anesthesia.
- What condition?
- I-I don't know where to start.
Multiple fractures, dozens of
knife and projectile wounds.
Your liver is hanging on by a thread.
One of your kidneys has detached
and is just floating inside of you.
And your spine is one bad blow
from total paralysis.
Wait, you can't operate on me
because I'm too frail?
Mr. Archer, you're ten steps
past frail.
How many concussions
have you had?
It's not a concussion
if you remember it.
Listen to me:
this is the body of a man
with no more second chances.
If you even sneeze wrong,
your heart might stop.
- Understood?
- Yeah, uh, uh, okay.
- Uh, I-I-I-I guess I'll go.
- You should hold the handrail
- when you go down the stairs.
- Yeah, I-I got it.
- And if you don't have a will
- [Archer] I got it!
[sighs] This is it, Ray.
This is the day the Agency
gets a fresh start.
And didn't you say that
last week?
- And the week before that?
- No idea! I'm too fresh to remember.
Then how is a fresh start
different from brain damage?
You see this calendar? Hmm?
This is the calendar of someone
who has a plan: staff meetings,
budget reviews
And a whole bunch
of other office-y stuff
- I already cancelled.
- What? Why?
Uh, because it's
Blackmail Bribe Day?
Why are you saying that like
we should know what that is?
Well, maybe you should,
because it's basically the reason
this office isn't blown up.
Well, one of the reasons.
Another reason is,
I have found other outlets.
Hotter hotter
Cheryl, what is Blackmail Bribe Day?
Oh, right. It turns out you
guys are not super stealthy
on missions, and you
break, like, a lot of laws.
So one day a month, Ms. Archer
would pay off the people
who saw something
or heard something
or lost something
or got shot by something.
Pay them off how?
With what money?
That's the blackmail part.
There used to be a Blackmail Day
and a Bribe Day, but honestly,
it was so confusing
and just easier to get everyone
in and out all at once.
[Ray] It's like if the DMV
was at a prison.
[Lana] Yeah, we're not doing this.
- Tell all those people to go.
- Are you sure about that?
Ms. Archer said Blackmail
Bribe Day is the only thing
keeping this entire city from
descending into utter chaos.
And Ms. Kane says
we're taking a new approach.
Ooh, okay! Is the new
approach embassy explosions
- and power grid failures?
- Just do it!
[soft tropical music]

Ahh, this is my kind of mission.
But we should probably look
for this guy soon.
[Zara] 12 women and 7 men
in the vicinity.
Four men too old,
two men too young,
and one man too tall.
And none of these rich bastards
are tipping their waiters!
Get 'em, girl. [chuckles]
- But I thought you Brits didn't tip.
- Some of us do actually care
whether workers
can feed their children.
And I notice you didn't put
anything on the waiter's tray.
Well, at least you're
super judgey about it.
Yeah, you're fooling everybody,
young ladies.
- Now who's judgey?
- Eh, they can do what they want.
I just worry about if they sneeze,
- their faces might fall off.
- What happened to you?
Good news: I got calf implants!
Ugh, you got major surgery
Because my calves
have always been small,
no matter how much I exercise.
What do you think?
What's important
is that you like them,
so don't listen to what anybody
says behind your back.
- Or to your front.
- Thank you?
Is anyone working on the mission?
[Cyril] I mean, Krieger's been
getting close with that doctor.
I'm just saying, think back
to why you became a surgeon.
Was it because you wanted
to help people?
Or was it because
you wanted godlike power?
Godlike power.
Right. Time for action.
Oy, fucker! Your waiter provided a
service, and they deserve compensation!
Eh, maybe Archer has a lead.
Mm, not unless staring wistfully
out into the ocean is a lead.
[soft somber music]

- Hey, bud. You okay?
- I thought so, but apparently not.
Oh, boy. What happened?
Life happened, Pam.
A thousand lives, all lived too fully.
And now, according to
modern medicine, I'm nothing.
A shell of an agent.
A shell of a man.
[drink slurping]
Yeah, the doctor said my skin
is too smooth for Botox.
Right. All the patients at the facility
got invites to the mixer.
Let's split up and look
for El Cambiante.
- [groaning softly]
- No rush.
Oh, that's good,
because Dr. Spencer
told me to never rush again.
And I'm not supposed to run
until the swelling goes down.
And my guy here's
clearly opening a coconut
- for the first time.
- Wait. Where's Krieger?
- I can't!
- Can't?
Could Picasso can't?
Could Kant can't?
You are an artist, and the
human skeleton is your canvas!
Now graft that horn!
[machinery beeping]
[Pam] How are we supposed
to find this guy?
Everybody here has
the exact same nose.
Thanks for walking with me, Pam.
One bad fall,
and my hips could shatter.
According to one doctor!
And according to the X-rays
of my buckling tibias.
Screw the X-rays!
This whole place is toxic.
These doctors only make money
if they convince you
there's something broken
that they can fix.
Dr. Spencer actually refused
to work on me
because I'm too broken.
[laughs] That was
reverse psychology, dude.
- Oh. You think?
- I know!
Look, Archer, you're not
the fresh young agent anymore,
but you're something better:
the salty old pro
who's seen it all
and lived to tell about it.
- I do have a lot of things to tell.
- So go tell them!
Oh, and I guess
look for our target.
Are we still doing that?
[soft percussive jazz music]
- Still no sign of him.
- Keep looking.
He's here somewhere.
- [gasps]
- Huh?
Sorry, I-I have a gasping disorder.
The doctors are stumped.
[Lana] This is unbelievable.
Half our budget is just
labeled "miscellaneous."
Originally we called it bribes,
but the [chuckles]
then we had to bribe the IRS
to not arrest us, so.
We spend half our budget on bribes?
I mean, the blackmail
covers some of that.
But Ms. Archer always said that
there's no such thing
as free blackmail,
which is why blackmail expenses
are labeled "et cetera."
Yeah, we're not doing
any of this anymore.
Well, tell that to Mr. Persistent.
Hi. I don't wanna be rude.
Maybe you were in the bathroom.
But this Agency doesn't
do bribes anymore.
Oh, I heard. Very noble.
I'm Gary.
Trust me you want to bribe me.
Actually, Gary, I don't.
Because this is my Agency.
A new Agency.
So take whatever deal
you had in the past,
crumple it up into a tiny ball,
and shove it up or down
- or through any hole of your choosing.
- Mm, okay then.
I'll just wait
until you change your mind.
Well, then prepare to wait forever,
Gary, because nothing is gonna
Was that the Costa Rican embassy?
Yeah, we've been bribing
some cartel not to blow it up.
- Why?
- Because if they do,
it will make
the Panamanian Mafia furious.
- That could be a coincidence.
- [Gary chuckles] Mm-hmm, yeah.
It's a real coincidence spree
out there.
Wrong nose.
Wrong forehead.
Right nose, right forehead,
but a lady.
- Señora.
- Cheers.
- You're being rather attentive.
- [laughs]
Only when the lady
is worth attending.
And might I say,
your work is exquisite.
I would love to see some
pictures of your grandchildren.
- Grandchildren? I'm 25!
- I see, señorita. [chuckles]
- Apologies, but you are not my type.
- Ugh. I hate this place.
[groaning] We have a problem.
Yeah, you're interrupting
me while I share my
years of wisdom with these
beautiful young ladies.
- [both laugh]
- Why is that funny?
- You sound just like my grandson.
- Grandson? I hate this place.
I don't think we're the only ones
looking for El Cambiante!
[metallic clatter]
- Ay!
- Hang on.
Perfect nose, dimpled chin,
lifted buttocks.
The waiter is El Cambiante?
A disguise within a disguise?
I knew it!
- After him!
- Hey! Be careful who you shove!
Everyone here is older than they look.
[grunts] Ha!
Oh, no, he's whimsically getting away!
- And he took the only harness!
- [chuckles] Oh, Zara. First zipline?
[grunts] Hey!
What was wrong with your belt?
[Archer] The wire is really bad
for the leather.
[Zara grunts]
[Pam grunts]
[Cyril groans]
[dramatic music]
- Gah-ha!
- [drink slurping]
What the
you still have your drink?
- I'll drop it if I have to.
- Good news: I saw a sloth!
- Where is he?
- Probably still back that way.
- You know, he's pretty slow.
- I mean El Cambiante, you knob!
- Oh. [chuckles] No idea.
- [groaning]
Cyril, I know this is
basically a vacation,
but you still have to wear pants.
They fell off
because you took my belt!
- Or because your pants were too loose.
- That's what the belt was for.
A belt shouldn't be functional, Cyril!
- It's an accent piece!
- There he is!
Split up!
[Cyril yelps]
- Can anyone see him?
- Need a little help, please!
[Pam] I gotcha!
[Cyril grunts]
And I've got a new friend.
I shall call you Norman, because
[sloth snarling]
Ow! Why are you so fast?
There's a whole sin about it!
[grunts, screaming]
- [groans]
- Guys! He's up!
I'm supposed to say that!
Well, now I gotta
knock him out again.
- Let's just keep him up.
- Hey, bud. Recovery mai tai?
I got you this tiny fan
from the gift shop.
They had flowers, but I thought,
"Everyone buys flowers,"
- so tiny fan!
- What happened?
You fell 50 feet onto jagged rocks.
Also, you held that asshole sloth
to break its fall with your body.
And, uh, it bit you
when you landed.
- And just soaked you in piss.
- That's amazing!
- Uh, but is it?
- I was worried I was getting old.
But I just survived an accident
that should have killed me.
I might be invincible.
Yeah, that'd be the 30 stitches.
Or the nanobots,
if they decided to rebel.
[sighs] Fine, I'm probably
not invincible.
Just lucky to the point
of being immortal.
So where are we on the mission?
We lost El Cambiante in the jungle,
but now that we know
what he looks like,
I was able to find him
in the hospital database.
It looks like he got his surgery.
- He's in recovery with a new face.
- Yeah. His last face.
Ooh, scary!
[belches] I'm drunk.
And I have rounds with Dr. Spencer.
We're taking plastic surgery
to new and forbidden places.
Places we probably shouldn't go.
Places that, deep down,
make me wonder if I've awoken
something in this woman that
should have remained asleep.
[foreboding music]
Or not.
Authorities are baffled
as violence consumes the city.
We now go live to a fire
at the Chilean embassy
There is no way this is because
of us. This is a coincidence!
Me finding a dollar on
laundry day is a coincidence.
This is a city melting down
'cause we hit the brakes
- on a criminal money train.
- Ugh! I tried to tell you!
I mean, not very hard, though.
I guess, deep down,
I wanted the city to burn.
[phone rings]
The Agency. Hmm, I'll check.
Do we care if the yakuza kills
the Australian ambassador?
[Lana] Yes!
But we'll call him back.
Start with the toes, please.
- Ray, what have you got?
- [sighs] A tangled web of criminal nonsense.
We're bribing gun runners
to arm militias
so they won't steal guns
from other militias
who we're also bribing
to protect banks
'cause the banks are full
of money from our other bribes.
God, just tell me you have
a solution.
- I do. You're gonna hate it.
- [Lana] Ugh. Seriously?
All roads lead to Gary.
We pay him, it buys us time
on the others.
God damn it, fucking Gary.
Hey, I heard my name.
Did you decide to bribe me yet?
- No! And stop being so cavalier about it.
- Copy that. I'll be out here.
Also, I opened a new oat milk.
Is that cool?
What's the big deal?
A bribe's just a service,
like a haircut
- or a dog's haircut.
- The big deal is, I'm trying
to do things aboveboard, all right?
And I'd rather die
than betray my principles.
[ominous music]
[Ray] I think
that just became an option.
Guys, I think this is him!
- Great, shoot him and let's go.
- The mission is to capture him!
You can't yell at me,
I just got out of the hospital.
Uh, what's this hospital's
policy on kidnapping?
Because those nurses
don't look thrilled.
Hey, those are the guys I saw
at the party.
- I think they're after El Cambiante too.
- Which makes us allies, right?
[groans] I'm not
supposed to jump yet!
My calf implants are combing
into the backs of my knees!
- Who the hell are these guys?
- [Pam] And why do they get guns?
- Archer? What are you doing?
- Immortal, remember?
Maybe he is.
All the bullets are missing
- Ow!
- Yeah, he's not.
[dramatic music]
Out the back! Go!
- Still think you're immortal?
- Obviously. Look!
The bullet went straight through.
I'm made of non-vital organs
and luck!
But I am losing a lot of blood.
[dramatic music]
- [Zara] Did we lose them?
- Lose them?
It's a mid-sized hospital,
not the Trastevere neighborhood
of Rome.
What? It's an easy place
to lose people.
Also, it seems like we lost them.
Ooh! Not these guys, though.
Guys, the small penis hospital
is, uh, down the road.
Can we not taunt the men with
guns while we're all so injured?
A positive attitude is the key
to recovery, Cyril.
Although I'm feeling pretty
negative about this dead end.
Do all your missions end
with you cornered and waiting to die?
Yeah, that's a lot of 'em.
But I do have one idea.
- What the hell, Archer?
- He was too short!
So he had to die?
The target we chased
on the zipline was my height.
Whoever's under those
bandages isn't the same person.
I'm pretty sure.
[gun cocks]
Wait. I want this bastard
to know it was us.
[assassin] Whoa.
This place is really good.
- [Pam] El Cambiante?
- [Cyril] He looks the same?
Yeah, not to antagonize
the man with a gun
- He said as he prepared to.
- but I'd get a refund on that new face.
[chuckles] This one looks just as ugly
as the old one.
You-you know what?
That's not fair.
You're actually very handsome.
I'm just going through a lot
this weekend, and ow!
I postponed my surgery when
I realized I was being hunted.
It felt like a good opportunity
to eliminate potential assassins.
Good idea.
You can't argue
with five dead assassins.
Soon to be [mumbling]
uh, uh, ten.
Technically not assassins.
We're here to capture you.
[Russian gunner] You thought
you'd get away with it?
I don't even know who you are.
- He sounds Russian!
- No! He doesn't sound like anything!
We can't place his accent
and we didn't see his face,
and if he and his friends left,
we'd forget
they were ever even here!
- I mean, I wouldn't forget.
- Oh, my God, woman.
Oh, God, it's fine, all right?
We'll pay you.
Yes, this time. And then what?
We have to come back again
when you don't pay next time?
You think it's easy renting van
for all these men?
- [groans] You die now.
- Excuse me? Hi. Gary.
- I think maybe I can help.
- You can die.
- I can! And then we all can.
- [whispering] Awesome.
You're the Chechen
revolutionaries, right?
Mm, I'll take that
stony silence as a yes.
And I happen to know the Chechnians
are currently in debt
to the Irish Republican Army,
which owes a favor to the
Albanian Conservative Party,
whose secrets are being kept
by the Boston Mafia,
who owe a favor to me, Gary.
Which is all to say, I think
we could clear all this up
without any violence at all
if I got my bribe.
I get what you're trying to do here.
Maybe start by cutting
one bribe a month?
Like the janitors
at the Costa Rican embassy?
Because they're all dead now.
See you next month.
- Well, that's one less bribe.
- Do we think Gary's single?
He's confident and mysterious.
Oh, please, like you wouldn't.
- Does no one have a weapon?
- I've got Cyril's stupid fan.
I put thought into that gift.
Yeah. The thought was bad.
Does anyone else hear screeching?
We made a mistake!
We made a terrible mistake!
[Dr. Spencer] I can feel God!
[tense music]

Ugh. Gross.
But lucky!
We need to go before
their brains fully merge.
After them! And don't shoot
the massage table, okay?
I have an appointment later.

[Pam] Hey, buddy!
- [grunts]
- Namast-ay down.
[El Cambiante laughs]
[Archer shouts]
[both scream]
- [sneezes] My face!
- Oh, my God, her face fell off!
- I told you!
- Oh, my God, that is grisly.
Someone get her a bag.
And nobody step on
- [Cyril yelps]
- Oh, never mind.
Oh, the implants are going up
into my thighs!
[gun clicks]
Or I'll just get the surgery in Brazil.
- [grunts] Archer!
- Little busy.
Which I know seems antithetical
to a steam room,
- but here we are.
- [El Cambiante chuckles]
Yes. Here we are.
[grunts, groans] In the appendix?
That's how Houdini died.
[El Cambiante] I looked you up,
Sterling Archer,
after our encounter on the zipline.
Poor, broken spy.
An old man in a young man's game.
Why not do the respectable
thing and die now?
[gasps] Tiny fan!
[fan whirring]
[both] Huh?
[dramatic music]

[fan whirring]
[El Cambiante laughing]
You know, I saw it
differently in my head.
No one tell Cyril
his gift was useful.
- Mission accomplished.
- Why are you holding the fan?
Because I felt like holding
something stupid.
- But thank you for the gift.
- Three on one? Nice work.
More like all in a day's work
for the world's greatest
[coughing, hacking]
greatest spy.
That probably would have been
more convincing
if I hadn't coughed up blood.
You know, bud,
maybe this is the mission
where you learn not to rely
so much on luck.
Are you kidding? This was
my luckiest mission yet.
- You got shot, like, a dozen times.
- Yeah, in a hospital.
Whew, whoa, hey.
See if they can
put in an extra liver
while they're in there, okay?
Archer out.
Yeah, so should we be worried
about whatever Dr. Spencer
turned into?
[device beeps]

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