Arrested Development s05e03 Episode Script

Everyone Gets Atrophy

1 [Ron Howard] Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Michael Bluth had just reunited with his family.
Now that the original Michael's back, I suppose we don't need two hands-on-our-hips, pipe-up-our-rectum scolds.
So you can go.
Back to playing Tobias.
Exactly, because I am still a valued family member.
At least until both signatures are on the divorce papers, which were so cruelly served to me from the back seat of my car by someone who thought I was a Lyft driver.
Could have been the pink mustache.
Oh, how funny.
Lucille thought it looked pink, too.
] That's because everybody's thinking about Tony Wonder's beard.
-It was pink, right? -[Tobias] I dyed it what I assumed was the color of Michael's skin.
Although now that you're back, I do wish I had used a less permanent dye.
I only remember the thing about Tony because of the "W," and his beard was a "W," which I thought, you know, for Wonder, was funny.
You know, it tickled me.
-His beard tickled me.
[stammers] And is that part of what you look so confused about? It is on the list.
I want to go back to why you're all in here, though.
Oh, we're shooting footage for Lindsay.
Campaign footage.
-You're running for office now? -[chuckles] As a matter of fact, I am.
I want to be part of the problem.
[Ron] Although, weeks earlier, Lindsay wasn't eager to rejoin the family herself.
So, how's Mom? Is she mad at me? Mad at you? Why would she be mad at you? You didn't hear? There may be some compromising pictures of me with the candidate Herbert Love.
[scoffs] If she saw those, she'd never let me hear the end of it.
Oh, listen, you're intelligent and you're wonderful and ethical and you're great.
I mean, don't worry.
She's jealous.
[Ron] Lindsay had never heard her father talk this way.
-Jealous of me? -Mm.
It's probably just because I'm younger.
A puta.
You know, yes, she did mention that.
Maybe it's time to just, uh, change your ways.
Start fresh.
[Ron] And perhaps Lindsay would have gotten a little healthier [phone ringing] had the cell reception been a little worse.
It's Mom.
[Lindsay] Mom.
[Lucille] I need you to run for office.
I told Herbert Love's campaign that you'd be taking over.
What? No.
Mom, I can't do that.
It would mean going up against Lucille 2, and Sally Sitwell is running her campaign.
Lucille 2 is not going to be a problem.
And Sally hasn't been seen since Cinco.
[Ron] It was true.
Sally had stolen a lot of money.
If G.
finds out you're straight, he'll use it to ruin you.
I'll lose the hundred grand I stole from Lucille Austero to rebrand you as the gay magician.
[Ron] But when Sally found out Lucille Austero's political opponent had been knocked out she chose to get out of town before people started asking questions.
-She packed light.
-I'm wondering if someone could help me.
-[Tony] Somebody say "Wonder"? -[Sally] Not wonder.
-No one's wondering! -[Ron] Just Tony.
[Lucille] So, you're unopposed and I need you.
[sighs] [Ron] It was the first time Lindsay's mother had ever told her she needed her.
You said it.
-[line disconnects] -I said it! [Ron] Well, she read it.
George Sr.
and G.
had also been in Mexico and were growing tired of their fruitless peacocking.
I hate everything about my life, including you.
Well, that's not the horniest thing I've heard.
Daddy not horny.
Yeah, I guess these shirts kind of pumped up the pressure on that.
[laughs] I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel like one of these bulls on my breasts.
[chuckles] His whole life, he's bred to be the strongest and the toughest and he's got to have the biggest balls.
Why? So when you're in your prime, they can drug you and throw you out in front of a crowd of people who just want to see you die so some guy in crushed velvet pants can come out and just stick a sword in you.
You're a bull who wants to stick it in everybody, and everybody ends up sticking it in you.
[Ron] And G.
started opening up, too.
I tried to buy those velvet pants.
But I chickened out and got these shirts instead.
I have a friend, this guy Tony not a friend.
He's nice.
He had a face like mine but same.
I started a joke  Hello, darkness.
- Which started the whole world crying  -Sorry, I'm taken.
What's that from? -[Ron] G.
's transformation -[phone ringing] -would also be interrupted.
-It's your mother.
We're going back to work.
You're going to be the new face of the company.
[chuckles] That was Mom.
She wants me back.
My God.
Must be nice to be wanted, even if it's just your mom.
Oh, cry me a blizzard, snowflake.
I gotta run.
You got this, right? [laughs] Look who's horny now.
[Ron] G.
wasn't the only family member on the verge of growing in Mexico.
As you can see, the reward is simply in the giving.
Most people, they cannot resist taking advantage of the truly vulnerable.
[Ron] When she, too, received a call.
-[phone rings] -Oh.
-[Maeby] Mom? -No, it's Lindsay.
Uh, uh [raspberries] Mom.
To you.
Of course I'm Mom.
I'm running for Congress, and I don't have a campaign manager and I need you.
[sighs] [Ron] Maeby had never heard her mother this vulnerable.
Sounds great.
I'm in.
-[sighs] Hey.
It is hard to resist.
Taking advantage of the vulnerable.
-[Maeby] And I'm her campaign manager.
-Is that Maeby? Oh, my gosh.
I didn't even recognize you.
It's a teenager thing.
I could never pull that off.
They want to look old, we want to look You don't look very young.
[laughs] [all laughing] Oh, the laughter.
That's why we're gonna get the award.
No one's taking it away from us! Let them try.
The award? Oh, look at him, like he doesn't know.
-We're going to win Family of the Year.
-Family of the Month.
Year?! Are you for [yells] Mother [bleeps] Family -of the Mother [bleeps] Year! -Of the year.
We just found out! -Wow.
-We're getting the Golden Anchor Award.
Guess they think our family's been an anchor of the O.
Who is giving you this award? Check it, Mike.
My anchor is giving us the award.
See, she used to be an Orange County weather girl, which is just tits, teeth and ass, right? Now she's the host of O.
Can You Say, which is tits, teeth, public affairs, ass, some light interviews.
I mean, it's so much more responsibility! He's making it sound more important than it really is.
Is he? She was married to that news anchor who said such horrible things about me when I was trying to save Buster with that boat.
-John Beard.
] Yeah.
She's my Beard now.
[Michael] What I meant was, what organization -is giving you the award? -[Lucille] Well, technically, it's from the Bluth-Austero Company.
Oh, I see.
So you're giving it to yourself.
Well, it's mostly from the Austero side.
[Lindsay] Perfect timing for my campaign.
[George Sr.
] Our Lindsay.
I've never been less ashamed of her.
-[gasps] Did I say what I think I said? -[George Sr.
] Yes, you did.
[laughs] [laughing] Hey, man, look who's joining in! Where is Lucille Austero? [dramatic music playing] No one knows.
She flew the coop.
In the middle of running for Congress.
I mean, no one remembers seeing her since Cinco de Cuatro.
And we didn't want the crew in our house.
No, and it was okay with Lucille 2.
She gave us the key.
It was during the 1992 African-American riots, and they had every right.
-Every right.
-[Lindsay] Every right.
I find all of this it's just very hard to believe.
] Tell you what is hard beyond belief.
My God, I wish you could get a feel on these two things that Joni's got going over here.
[laughs] They're like two geodes! -Hmm.
-[Joni] You can feel them.
I can't.
My go-to joke is that these are the best two things John Beard's money can buy.
-[chuckles] -That's a go-to.
[Lucille] Now you're back.
You'll bring George Michael.
We'll show the world what a great family we are.
Oh, that's good.
Family is so important to me.
-Sometimes my own family.
-[Ron] Actually, Michael hadn't spoken to his son in months and didn't even know he had been in Mexico.
Can we get four pretzels, two Cokes, and two Mexican Cokes? My friend, you're in México.
We have Coke and American Coke.
I didn't wish to offend.
I'm sorry.
I'm probably grumpy because I was out late last night, raping and murdering.
Not cool.
I wouldn't joke about that.
I rape and murder, and I joke.
[Ron] And feeling unwelcome in this land that was still pretty welcoming, George Michael returned home, but wasn't quite ready to deal with real life.
And seeing his father had left town, and perhaps not ready to return to the responsibilities he'd left, he decided to ease back in, returning to his childhood home.
Hello? Here to clean the windows! [Ron] And upon finding it empty, he soon began what can only be described as [man] Total regression! [rock music playing] Dangerous Cousins! Oh, my God, Quicken.
God, it's so much smaller than I remember.
[Ron] Perhaps it was a yearning to go back to a simpler, less complicated time.
But there was no denying he was older and more mature.
Not to mention, looking for love.
[no audible dialogue] [splashing] [Ron] But aside from a few setbacks, George Michael was enjoying a break from responsibility.
[George Michael] For scenario two, you just found out that your Darth Vader figure is dating your girlfriend, and you find out he knew she was your Whatever.
Who gives a shit? As usual, guys, just apply your own scenarios to these.
[Ron] Soon he, too, was teaching a course in a program of his own creation.
[George Michael] Go left.
[Ron] He even inspired a certain move that would eventually appear two years later in a Han Solo origin picture.
But the desire to return to a simpler time might explain why his heart raced when Maeby texted him a message.
-[sizzles] -Shit.
Honey to the bear, baby  [Ron] George Michael gave more thought to a response than perhaps was necessary Yes, I do Yes, I do  and wasn't quite proud of his final selection.
Like honey to the bear, baby  There.
That way She can figure it out.
[Ron] And he headed off to the penthouse, lost in an adolescent fantasy -Hi don't like it.
-that he was soon shaken out of.
What? My hair? No, no, I like it.
I just, uh, don't like that I'm just seeing it now.
I guess I was picturing you at 16.
[chuckles] But I-I don't know why I do that.
-But why did you do that? -Well, truthfully No, I'll just tell you the truth: it's a wig.
Now that I'm working for my mom's campaign, I thought a gray-haired daughter would add some years to her, but, turns out, nope.
She thinks it's a cool new thing and it makes her look hip.
Everything I've given her to do or say has only made her go up in the polls.
It's like the more offensive it is, -the more people get behind her.
-[Ron] It was true.
Remember, just stick to the words.
Okay? [Ron] She had her mother mock a reporter -who had a speech problem -This so-called reporter from the Wee Guardian says I was right.
Now, suddenly, she's [in English accent] "Perhaps I've recalled incorrectly.
-I'm positively knackered.
" -[cheering, laughing] The candidate made no fans in Wee Britain, but on the other side of the Anaheim pond, the comment only made her more popular.
[Ron] and release a hot mic tape.
after the damning hot mic piece surfaced.
[Ron] Although, remember, this was in 2015, and many of the offensive comments almost seem quaint by today's standards.
-Did you get that? -Oh, yeah.
While shocking, the video seems to have only given her a big rise in the polls.
It certainly had that effect on me.
-[man] Not necessary! -[anchor] Don't sack me.
[Maeby] She keeps polling higher.
What am I doing right? Well, it probably doesn't help that, except for you, she's running unopposed.
That's why I came up with the idea for us to kiss.
So the kissing is part of a plan? Yeah.
I thought we could do it when the whole family is on camera getting the Family of the Year Award.
Family of the Year Award? Who'd give us that? -We're giving it to ourselves.
Still doesn't seem like we'd get the votes.
So when my mom's giving the speech, we'll be in the background, and we're just going at it.
[laughs] And I'm like, "Why have I never thought of that before?" Kind of feels like you have.
To me, it seems like what you really want is for your mother to see you for who you are.
Why don't you write a speech for her to say about you, about how lovely and smart you are, how you've blossomed as a young woman into this incredibly beautiful and special person that anyone would be lucky to get to share their life with.
I think I see where you're going with this.
An incredibly attractive, incredibly rare and precious gem.
And then, I open my mouth, and I have these rotted out meth teeth.
And I'm like, "Then why do I gotta [bleeps] my cousin for some meth money, Mom?" You know, or something like that.
-I feel like we're circling it.
I don't know, maybe that's just a shade unnecessarily cruel.
Well, at least I didn't punch her in the face.
Ah, I still feel so weird.
I haven't even seen my dad since that day.
He seems fine.
-Oh, you've seen him? -Yeah.
He's across the hall.
-Wait, who is? -Everyone.
-Your dad, my mom, the whole family.
-My dad's across the hall? [Ron] Where Michael's father currently had his own son in a panic.
-No, I'm fine.
-Yeah? I'm fine.
It's just, uh, I like, you know I just like the feeling of, uh [exhales] feeling something.
It's just nice to have some control over one's life.
But your mother is a wonderful person! I've screamed the same thing many times I was worried she was in earshot.
You sure you two are okay? I mean, the last I heard, you two were getting a divorce, and now it seems like everything's just -Forgotten? -[Michael] Yeah.
[Lucille] You know our family motto.
We forget, but we never forgive.
I remember the framed needlepoint.
You'll see.
In life, you don't want to carry that much hate.
[Michael] Although, by not forgiving, you're throwing everything out and just keeping the hate.
Well, how do you think she keeps that figure? No.
Okay, I'm going for a feeling.
-Let's get inside.
-I'm fine.
-That's enough air.
-I'm fine.
Hey! What's that trophy gonna look like, huh? Oh! Everyone gets a trophy, huh, Pop? -Well -When I was a kid, you said, "You want a trophy? Try harder, G.
" Huh.
Well, maybe I -did something right, huh? -But I was like, "But you gave one to everybody else.
What happened to everybody gets a trophy?" There was that then.
It was getting started, but Meanwhile, the guy who could've tried harder is now giving it to the not super young, obviously, but still fairly well known local TV host whose breasts-- and you're gonna be surprised to hear this coming from me-- may be a little bit too hard.
[laughs] High class problem, huh, Mike? I wish you could get a feel next time, Mike.
There is something not right with those.
Yeah, well, I'm in town such a short time, -so next time.
-Well [laughs] One less trophy, huh, Mom? There's one trophy: The Golden Anchor, and Lindsay gets it.
Wait, what? For Family of the Year?! No! We need her to be the center of this.
She's the one running for office.
What about Dad? You're the head of the family.
You're the alpha.
Or me, for that matter.
I am the CEO.
Mom said.
Fine, I'll get trophies for everyone.
[scoffs] Everyone gets a trophy.
[chuckles] Count me out.
Everyone but G.
-No! [Maeby] You sure I didn't mention that in the text? Yeah.
I read that thing down.
-Should I go say hi to him? I haven't seen my Darth since I hit him.
What if he asks me about Rebel? That's the love of his life, that he gave up for me, and I haven't even called her once.
Just tell him that.
-The truth, huh? -Yeah.
Sometimes, the truth can hurt a man more than the most brutally fashioned lie.
I should get out of here.
[Michael] Is anyone else noticing that the family isn't quite, uh, as we remember them? -In what way? -That is not Buster.
Oh, I'm in.
[sighs] [imitating Michael] Uh, Buster, oh, um, it's about time you got here, um, to the penthouse.
Did the skit start? I don't have the hook thing.
-[Michael] Hey, what's happening? -Shh! Can I just do this with my hand instead, Tobias? [in normal voice] Michael.
I'm Michael.
Just stay in it, Murphy-- uh, Buster, stay in He did a fantastic job as Buster in the campaign interviews, so I will get him there, uh, for the awards ceremony, I will.
[stammering] He's a young actor.
I don't really want to be an actor.
-It's not what I want to do.
-[imitating Michael] Oh, and, uh, who's making you be an actor, Buster? He's talking to you [in normal voice] Shut up, Lindsay! [stammers] Li-- your sister.
Your sis Lindsay-- sister.
[imitating Michael] Who's making you be an actor? -My father? -What? Who? Him? How could you do this to our son? His son.
Your son.
I-- [in normal voice] Okay.
I have to pull myself out of this part.
[chuckles] I'm going in and out of Michael like a cuckoo clock bird.
Okay, so, I'm Michael, uh, G.
is G.
, Michael is no one.
And opening night energy, Places and re -Peas and carrots.
Red leather -[George Sr.
] Tobias! Hey, hey! -We do not need a Buster, okay? -That's right! Michael has him.
[imitating Michael] Indeed, and here he comes.
-Has who? -Has who? [Lucille] Buster.
Y-You said you'd look after him.
-That's the first I'm hearing about it.
-We've heard about it.
Michael, why are you lying about not having Buster with you? -Oh, no, I'm not lying about anything.
-[Ron] Well, he kind of was.
As months earlier, he had laid out a scheme to make it seem like Buster was a missing person.
So, we gotta wait about 48 hours before we declare you missing.
-Then they put out an APB.
-[Ron] At which point, Buster was to go to the police station and say "You were looking for me.
Here I am.
" Let them race back into town and save everyone for a change.
In fact, I keep forgetting to ask, uh, what was it that brought everyone back together in town this time? Well, Lucille 2 was missing, and we had an obligation to look after the company.
-So, it's not because of Buster.
-[mumbling] -I see.
Listen, I don't -Yeah.
[mumbling] [Ron] What Michael didn't know was that while the police had gotten ahold of Buster You think that's me? they were more concerned with a different missing person.
I mean, that guy obviously has a giant rubber hand, and I have a giant melted hand that smells like Bounce.
[giggles] [Buster over laptop] I'm in the movie.
Okay, that's definitely me.
I'm just surprised to see it, since I'm pretty sure I erased that video.
You sure you don't want an attorney? No.
Michael was very clear about that.
-I'm just a missing person.
-Not anymore.
[officer] We don't need a bad cop.
Go home.
-See your kid.
-Thanks, Rick.
That's why you're the good cop.
I don't know what lesson you're trying to teach me, but you're back.
You're probably hiding Buster.
I mean, who knows? It's just Not my problem anymore, in any event, okay? I got my own son to worry about.
I am, uh, I'm leaving.
-I will not be back this time.
It's all about my son.
That was so helpful, thank you.
If you could -Get your stuff.
Let's get out of here.
[chuckles] -Oh! Hey.
Hey, son.
Oh, my goodness, look who it is.
I was just gonna call you.
[clicks tongue] This is, uh -Back in town or? -Are you, um Briefly.
You going to the family thing that we're -Giving to ourselves? No.
-Huh? Yeah.
-I, uh, can't make it.
-Yeah? No? -Should I tell them? -Well, you know, listen, I-I wasn't gonna go, so don't-don't not go, because I'm you know.
-You're the reason I would go.
-Oh, yeah? -I just have some plans, so I can't.
You got plans, huh? Well, we make plans, and God laughs.
-That's right.
-Right? -No, I always want to make plans, but -Hmm.
You don't want to be laughed at.
Tell me.
Well, I won't laugh.
Do you have plans with Rebel? -Uh, yeah, I do, yeah.
I do.
Yeah, no.
-Good for you guys.
It's-it's fun stuff, yeah.
Stuff I think, even if you weren't God, you'd find funny.
You can't ask for more than that.
But that's none of my business, yeah? Only reason I ask, 'cause I'm going on a scuba trip.
Um, yeah, came back in town to get my gear.
Only reason I'm here, um, you know.
It's a last-minute thing.
Several weeks at sea.
-You'd hate it.
So, yes.
-Yeah, not my thing.
-I shouldn't have even asked you.
-Oh, did you ask? Ah I don't want to inter You shouldn't cancel your plans with Rebel, you know.
-Rain check.
-Uh, it's tomorrow or? -Hmm? We leave today, so, yeah.
[chuckles] God's probably-- -I can almost hear him laughing, you know? -Wow, yeah.
Although, maybe, I imagine, it doesn't make him laugh anymore.
I mean, so much of life is, uh, plans.
It would just be the same joke over and over.
So he's -It's not funny anymore.
-What's he laughing at? Hey.
You happy? Oh, man.
You know, in truth, it's, uh, it's-it's been a while since I've seen -you, first of all, but, um -Yep.
The thing with, um So, Rebel, you know, 'cause she I wanted to say, between the two of you, you know, if you ever felt like Because, like, she's indicated that things were I don't know what she said, but maybe things were not quite wrapped up completely with -Between me and her? -Yeah.
She said that I left things unfinished? Hang on.
That's got me, that's got me spinning out, 'cause, uh That could be how she talks.
You know how she is.
No, I-I think I was-was pretty clear that I You know, I broke up with her.
You know, I show up there, I got a cactus, for God's sakes, you know, which is that's the universal sign for "things are over.
" No, she must have just thought that you would also, um Say it.
Say it.
Yeah, I did.
I said lots of things.
I'm standing there, you had just left.
-[Michael] Ciao.
-[George Michael] Bella.
[Ron] When Michael ran into Rebel -leaving her apartment -That's for me.
but she had some bad news.
It's not gonna work out between us.
I just wanted to tell you in person.
[Ron] Michael didn't know why he said the next thing out of his mouth.
Maybe it was relief that he didn't have to break up with her, but for some reason, he came up with Well, if you ever change your mind, I ain't going nowhere.
Uh, I was afraid that maybe I was too hard on her, verbally.
You know? And then, I, you know Plus I had to leave for a couple of months for work.
-Movie stuff? -Hmm? Mexico.
Hope she's not getting a signal from you that you are not fully into her because you're worried that maybe I've got some unfinished business, -so you're holding back? -No.
No, I'm all in.
[Ron] Actually, the only contact George Michael had had with Rebel was watching one of her movies, with a Shane and three Noahs.
[Rebel] And you can say goodbye to these! Maybe I do miss her.
No, I told her.
You know, I even said, "Y'all are it for me.
" -You know.
-Go a step further and say, -"Y'all ain't going nowhere.
" -She's it.
I don't know why she wouldn't think I was wasn't going nowhere.
[elevator bell dings] Oh, that's me.
Um, good.
All right, well, are you going down or? -No.
I forgot my bag.
-Well, it's good to see-- [both grunting] -Ciao.
That's it, I'm out of here! -[Ron] Michael returns for his bag.
-[all cheering] Okay, I get it.
Is that supposed to be me? No, that's my impression of Tobias doing you.
Wait, what? But that Oh, that's it.
I am out of here.
Tobias doing Tobias.
Yep? I don't care.
I'm All right.
[Ron] And Buster wonders why Michael isn't doing Michael.
Why hasn't Michael come back? What happened to "Michael always comes back"? [gulps, groans] Oh, God.
Oh, God.