Arrested Development s05e04 Episode Script

An Old Start

1 [Ron Howard] Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's [Ron] Michael Bluth was visiting the family business, hoping to find Lucille Austero, who was now a majority stakeholder, to thank the woman -They closed the company.
-for forgiving his debt.
-[man] Don't mind me, I work downstairs.
Doing a little lunch looting.
[laughs] -You? -It was my family's company.
I'm Michael Bluth.
You guys put me in my first house.
Oh, yeah, a lot of people's first house was a Bluth.
No, no, I was part of that Cornballer class action suit.
-I see.
-Yeah, I made enough to put a down payment on a Sitwell.
Well, we've put a lot of people in Sitwells, too.
[elevator bell dings] -Uh-- oh, God, well, you caught us.
-[grunts] Didn't think anybody would be getting on while we were getting off.
What did you do to the Bluth Company? You've been president two weeks.
-Took us to the next level.
-[man] An iPhone 5 charger! Fourth floor.
[Ron] Even the landlord was surprised by the move.
Not only would you have to pay a penalty to get out of your old lease, but the rent is double.
Just to see the roof of a Rite Aid? [Ron] Which was the first that G.
had heard of the view.
I'll take it.
[Michael] Okay, okay.
] So? What do you think? [laughs] It used to be a 2 Hour Teeth, the whole place.
[Michael] Yeah, I remember the screams.
I guess it was the 90 Minute Tooth guys across the street that put the 2 Hour guys out of business.
I did see that the old Blockbuster is becoming an "Hour Mouth," so those guys gotta be shitting themselves.
Why did you move the business? This is exactly the same.
Says the guy who hasn't seen the roof of the Rite Aid yet.
Where's the nitrous? This will not be used as the conference room? Uh, no.
I had to kind of I had to move it, just, uh, for a couple reasons, actually.
A, I wanted a bigger office.
-That feels like the heart of it.
-Yeah, it is, -but, uh Hey.
Check out that view.
Boy, what's a bike tire doing on the roof of the Rite Aid? Yeah, that's the $14,000 a month question, isn't it? When they said you were the president of the Bluth Company, I assumed it was in name only.
That they hired you to actually work seems wrong.
-Do you even know what a mortgage is? -[laughs] No, he doesn't.
He doesn't know anything.
You do, though.
You're the smart Bluth, I can see it in your eyes.
You read, don't you? Adhir is a holdover from the Austero Company.
He's our compliant officer.
Or as I like to call him, Chief Worrywart.
-[makes chicken noise] -It's "compliance officer.
" Uh, hey, uh, so you worked for the Austero Company? Uh, they forgave a big debt of mine.
How would I get ahold of Lucille Austero? [dramatic music plays] -No one knows, I'm afraid.
] That's it, go to your office, Adhir.
He's the chief compliant officer, so he has to do whatever I comply.
-[grunts] -[Michael] I'm assuming that's where the conference table went.
] It's probably too big for that room, and I would get it out, but I can't quite remember how I got it in there.
Like you, I'm about to go underwater, but before I go, I'd like to give you some advice: you're not good at this.
I know.
But it's important to Dad.
Want to know the thanks I'm getting? Dad is giving a trophy to Lindsay, not me, for the family of the year ceremony tonight.
Great, well, Dad didn't get a trophy for doing what you're doing, and he actually did it.
] Well, that's not the worst way to make Dad love me.
I will get a trophy for Dad, for something.
-Figure that out later.
Dad's never gonna give you what you're looking for.
And, uh, maybe that's how it should be.
Maybe when sons grow up, they're not supposed to be too close to their fathers.
And maybe the best thing a father can do for his son is disappear for a while and let him figure out what kind of man he wants to be on his own.
At least, that's what I've tried to do.
Then why did you move into your son's dorm room? That was a year, okay? And not even a full year, because I got there at Thanksgiving.
Okay, well, goodbye forever, G.
I'll be seeing you tonight.
[Ron] Michael returned to the model home to get his scuba equipment.
But before he left town, he thought he'd take one last look at his son's childhood bedroom.
Uh-- George Michael? [imitating George Michael] Father.
It's me, George Michael.
Think fast.
[in normal voice] Michael.
Yes, well, this is embarrassing.
Not only are you finding me in your son's pants, but you're also finding out how the sausage is made.
[chuckles] I don't understand a thing you said.
Well, I was doing some character work for, um, uh [grunting] I'm doing a little character work to prepare for the awards ceremony How did Why do they only have one? [pants] Yes-- oh! Uhp! -Okay, back -You all right? -[sighs] -Oh! Um There you go.
-Just an acting exercise.
You're supposed to be George Michael now? Oh, well, it's a character role, really, and let's face it.
No one was buying me as a straight man.
It was a little off-brand.
I'm just trying to find my place in the Bluth family [sighs] now that, uh Lucille's almost done with me as her therapist and Lindsay has what does Gwyneth Paltrow say? "Consciously un-cuckold" me.
You want to stay a part of the Bluth family? I have a feeling you do, too.
Despite your claims of leaving.
No, no, it's not a claim.
I'm leaving.
You always seem to be.
Well, I'm doing it.
I'm gonna map the ocean floor.
Michael, if I could put my therapist leggings on for one second.
-Just sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, -Yeah, sure.
-sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
-Tobias, please.
I would just say that you're trying to run away from people before they have a chance to run away from you, because that's what the people you love do.
Isn't it? What people? Your wife.
-Uh -Your son.
Or should I say [in a high-pitched voice] me? Don't.
Uh, you know -"Why'd Mommy leave, Daddy?" -Tobias [in a higher pitch] "I didn't leave.
I loved you bo--" [coughs] I don't think you want to go there, okay? Yes, yes, yes.
I suppose I did start too high.
Okay, let's bring everyone down an octave.
-"Why did Mommy leave, Daddy?" -Tobias -"I didn't leave.
I loved you both.
" -Listen.
Tobias, listen, I don't want you playing my son.
And I'm not confused at all about what happened to Tracey.
Really? Because you certainly never talk about it.
I was raising a son.
Think I want to burden him with memories that are gonna make him feel worse? Please.
What about Michael's memories? Why can't you go back to the last place you saw Tracey? Hmm? -The family beach cottage? -No, no, I was thinking more, uh, uh, -metaphorically.
But that's where we spent the last months of her life.
And-and after she died, the family sold that house.
It was one of the kindest things that-that they ever did for me.
-Do you think that I should go there? -Uh, my number one rule is "don't tell Michael what to do.
" Now, um, I will say, though, I wish I had known you'd had such depth before I gave your part away to a less experienced actor.
I didn't know there was such a thing.
Get your stuff.
We're out of here.
And where are we going, Father? Nowhere.
I was just practicing the new skit.
-[sighs] -Remember the line where he says, -"Get your stuff"? -I'm improv'ing, you over-intending schmactor.
This is the simplest character in the entire family.
He has one personality trait: he always comes back.
Well, that and he always has his hands in his pockets.
You got peanuts in there? Okay, why am I staying here for this? Why can't I just be your son? Oh, there is no son anymore.
He cut the part.
And I can't be your father.
I'm not a straight man.
[Ron] Why are we staying here for this? Anyway, Michael, in his haste to leave town, arrived at the dock for his ocean floor mapping expedition for what he was certain was a six-bells departure.
No, we leave at 6:00 p.
You telling me we've got a 14-bell delay? I don't know, man.
But we leave in seven hours.
[Ron] And he was encouraged to use the time to try out his undersea camera survey equipment.
All right, let's have it.
Look at that, huh? [Ron] And once in the water, Michael felt like he was finally able to let go of the past and forget about everything he was leaving behind.
George Michael, meanwhile, felt no such peace.
Although he was surprised that his evasive run-in with his father There's enough of these for this to be a thing? was less dramatic than he recalled.
And he sought out Maeby at what she'd said was her new place.
-Looking for a grandparent? No, thank you.
I No, I have enough.
I'm, uh I think I might be at the wrong address.
I'm looking for someone who I cannot imagine meets -your residency requirements here.
-[Maeby] Rose, he's fine.
It's all right.
He's with me.
[George Michael] This is where you're living, a senior center? Yeah, just wait.
Hey, Rose, do you mind? -[lock buzzes] -Thank you.
[Maeby] I needed somewhere to lay low until the Perfecto thing blew over.
[George Michael] But you said this place was incredible.
-This is incredible! -[Maeby] Right? [George Michael] Why is the lobby so off-putting? [Maeby] That's what the seniors do to keep the young people away.
They don't want "dot-commers" taking over.
Like you and me.
[George Michael] How were you able to get in? [Maeby] When I came back from Mexico, I found a parking pass in Lucille 2's Cadillac, right? And, apparently, she kept a place for these "trysts" with old lovers from years ago.
Or they were co-owners or something.
But they just kept it here, empty, until one of them needed it.
So that was lucky.
[chuckles] I just had to make myself look older, you know? Yeah, I would think that that'd be a great use of the gray wig.
No, I went down that road.
[Ron] But wasn't expecting how upsetting it is to see one's self grown old.
The moment when a young woman realizes [sighs] Oh, my God, I've become my father.
[Tobias] In the most delicious way! Oh, so this is a choice.
I didn't want to say anything, but I was like, "Maeby looks like a 65-year-old.
" -What if I told you I was 75? Hmm? -Holy shit.
-You look fantastic.
-Right? It's the teeth.
It's the same guy who's doing my meth teeth, you know, for the family of the year thing.
Where I write a speech for my mom, she talks about how great I am, then Then you open your mouth and you're like, "So why do I have to turn tricks for meth money?" I don't know how you keep all your scams straight.
Well, this old lady one is a big, big score.
I mean, when people catch on, they either forget or they die.
[chuckles] And, I mean, this place is a dream.
Nobody even locks their doors.
Of course, what is there to steal? [chuckles] A few barstools and some family pictures? Anyway, that's how I got those barstools and all these great pictures of grandkids.
-What a beautiful family you've stolen.
What are you gonna do if Lucille 2 or the friend she owns this with shows up? He kind of already has.
[Ron] Maeby had only been in the place for a week and had spent most of that time trying to trap a swan in her condo What's your problem? It's tuna.
when she came across a stranger, whom longtime viewers will be mildly surprised -to recognize is Stan Sitwell.
-[Ron] But whom Maeby did not.
Do you live in one of these? -This one's mine, yes.
-Well, that's strange.
Do you realize this condo is listed as Lucille Austero's? Yes.
I am her.
-I am her sister.
-[swan honks] You're going the wrong way.
Annette? Great idea.
Do you think they have one? Have what? Annette.
Yes, that's me.
[chuckles] And you are? Stan.
I must admit, I'm a little confused right now.
Our agreement was that this place would revert back to me once Lucille [dramatic music plays] [honking] gave up her interest.
Well, I don't know anything about that.
She signed it over to me.
I'd like to see that paperwork.
Well, I recently moved here from New Orleans, -and I -[Ron] Maeby was proud of this lie.
lost all my personal paperwork in Hurricane Cantina.
That's complicated.
It is.
Unless I'm expected to lose a home for the second time.
Of course, I could just pack up my shorty shorts, my silky pajamas, my peekaboo bras, my ticklers, sex knobs, and lacy hoo-has and hit the road.
I can't ask you to do that.
[George Michael] This place is yours? Not yet, but maybe I'll kick him out sooner than later.
Maybe I'll kick him out once he gets off that goddamn chair.
[George Michael] That's him? -[Maeby] Yeah.
-Why aren't we whispering? Oh.
He can't hear a thing.
-He's got horrible aids.
-[announcer on TV] Shoedini! The world's first shoe horn Oh, hearing aids.
Yeah, yeah, here they call them aids.
The other ones they call [whispers] aids.
Don't worry, if he asks who you are, I'll just tell him you're Tom Collins.
He's always asking for a Tom Collins.
Believe me, I'm in over my head enough as it is being George Maharis.
Which is what I wanted to talk to you about.
So I told my Dad that I was still dating Rebel.
What? Why'd you do that? You told me to do it.
It was your idea.
-I mean, I still haven't even seen her -since I punched him.
-No, no, no.
I told you that your dad is still in love with Rebel.
And that telling him you haven't seen her would be more hurtful.
You perverted that into a way to not hurt him.
And then I had to turn down this scuba trip, which is also rude, and if he finds out he's gonna say, "You lied to me, George Michael, and that's worse.
" You know he's gonna say "and that's worse.
" You would've had to lie about scuba, 'cause you would've been scared.
Why do you say I'm scared of scuba? I'm not.
You passed out at the aquarium.
They make you feel like you're underwater with all these giant -Dolphins? -I think that was some kind of smiling, kind of bemused baby shark.
I don't know, things are volatile with my dad right now.
It feels very combustible.
Feels like we're on the edge of physical menace or something, which I've trained myself for, but has he been training, too? What was that in the hallway? Look.
Here's my advice.
Okay? You go to Rebel's, you take my bag of lacy ticklers, hoo-ha bras, dog toys, and sex knobs with you.
And you act like you're expecting a booty call, as the old people think the young people say.
All right? You tell her, "I'm here for a quickie, and I'm out of here.
" Mr.
And she'll drop you like a buttered cane.
-Something old people say? -Yeah.
I'm trying to get it going.
-That's cool.
-[Ron] George Michael's father had drifted farther south than he realized, despite swimming with a GPS system that cost roughly as much as Buster's left thumb.
And he soon found himself on a part of the beach he hadn't been to in over 20 years.
[panting] I'm coming home Home, home  I love that house.
My family used to own it back in the '80s.
[woman] Too bad they sold it, it's worth a fortune now.
My wife died there.
Ovarian cancer, actually.
-[woman] He's a liar.
-And He shouldn't have said that.
-[woman] Ignore the man.
-Good to see you.
[Ron] And Michael decided that perhaps Tobias was right.
Perhaps he did need to look the grim truth of mortality in the face.
Oh shit, he found out.
[Ron] Michael had just discovered his family never sold their family cottage.
lied to me, and that's worse.
I am stunned.
I just-- I literally said it would be so great if my family had kept the cottage.
We did.
I know.
You shouldn't have.
Well, then either way, you're unhappy.
I mean, pick a lane.
You pick you pick a lane.
What did you want us to do, Michael? It was a horrible time for the housing market.
Were we supposed to lose our precious daughter-in-law and a couple hundred grand in the same year? -Why didn't you just tell me? -Because we love you.
-And nobody wanted your feelings hurt.
-That was rule one.
-Rule one? [Lucille] It slipped down a little when we put in the new floors.
And by that point, you were already dating and in love with that total re-- that totally lovely Rita.
Uh, she was a smart cookie, that one.
Nice try, Mom.
And we didn't want to bring up those bad old memories.
Besides, this place already has enough bad ones for me.
My mother died here.
was born here.
And I'm sure you've heard, it was also your father's [bleeps] pad.
Only from the next room.
Please believe me, if I could turn back time, -I never would've answered that door.
-I know.
Were you slightly worried that I might come out here one day, Mom? H-Honestly, I never thought you'd get past the guard gate.
I could barely get past them when Tobias and I got here.
He's the one that put coming out here -in my mind in the first place.
-He what? -[Tobias] As a metaphor.
-You're out! But I've already pinked away my sideburns to play Buster at the family of the year ceremony tonight.
And Buster's already invited a date.
[imitating Buster] Come out and meet your boyfriend, Lucille.
-[indistinct chatter] -[Tobias clears throat] -Murph? -[muttering] Oh, I see you finally figured out how to use that contraption.
I'm on the phone.
-Just one second.
-What? I'm talking on the phone.
Who are you talking to? Didn't you tell me I was supposed to be busting with my girlfriend? I said, you're Buster's girlfriend.
Hang on.
-Am I supposed-- Am I your boyfriend? -No! You are-- I'm-- A girl.
You're a girl, Linds, uh, Murphy B-- Lucille.
-Is he supposed to be me? -Uh-uh-uh, Lucille Number 2.
She's quite the grande dame.
It's basically Michael without the peanut pockets.
You know, you're playing her like you played that stammering mess of a Buster, and it won't do.
Sometimes I don't even think that you want to be an actor.
Actually, sometimes, I think I want to be a dog doctor.
Ow! [Tobias] This is the role of a lifetime.
Now, I know 50 gentlemen who would tuck their last nut to play this part.
Okay? Now, he saves it for the day.
When you see him at the campaign event, you'll think you're looking at a 72-year-old pink mustachioed Lucille Austero.
-We can't have Lucille Austero! -We can't have Lucille Austero.
She's running against Lindsay, for God's sake.
[Tobias] For God's sake.
I don't even know why I'm having this conversation.
You're out! We don't even need a Buster.
Well, at least you're being honest about that.
So you admit you've got Buster.
This again? Why would I hide Buster from you? You want me to think that he's missing.
You're trying to teach me a lesson.
You're trying to get even because I'm trying to teach I don't know why you're trying to teach me a lesson, so lesson not learned, Mother.
Michael, did you do something for which we should be teaching you a lesson? -[banging] -[man] Mother! He's here, isn't he? Tell me he's not in that bedroom, -not where Tracey -Don't go in there.
spent her last [clicks tongue] Oh, someone told Michael.
Does this mean we can start leaving towels on the floor? What are you doing? I'm making this into a trophy for Dad.
I can't wait to see the one you got yourself.
Uh, yeah, Michael.
[scoffs] Please.
I'm the president or CEO or whatever of the Bluth Company.
I control the company checkbook, so I don't need false things to make me feel important.
-There's no trophy for that.
[Ron] Although he did visit -a trophy store earlier that day.
-It's a good time to be in this business.
Everyone gets a trophy.
I tell people to stay away from the business.
It's always been a lousy business, and these days -everybody shops online.
-Everybody gets a trophy.
A trophy, huh? Yeah.
Well, that may be, but tell me this, how many people get a whole [bleeps] trophy store? Oh, yeah.
You can't be serious.
So the guy was like, "Are you shitting me?" That's usually the sign that you've made yourself a great deal.
So, I told him, "I'm gonna need you to cobble together one last trophy, old trophy cobbler, for the family of the year ceremony tonight.
" And I said, "I want you to find the biggest golden anchor you can find.
" So they didn't have one of those? No, he didn't even have keys to the back room.
Also, the heat doesn't turn off.
This took a couple hours, so once I give this to Dad, then I'll have Joni Beard give me the deed to the trophy store.
-Wait till you see it! -[spray paint can hisses] I'm not gonna be there.
Oh, uh let me ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me.
Are you doing something with Busty? [Ron] Michael was referring to his missing brother, Buster.
But G.
, who hadn't been with a woman since he'd gotten closer to this man I was wondering what you were going to pop out of.
-I mean this one -Vámonos.
thought that "Busty" was referring to this woman Where's the nitrous? whom he really hadn't done much fooling with at all.
Which is why he answered -eventually -Yes.
[Michael] Got my answer.
You really don't care about your children's feelings, do you? Oh, you're one to give parenting lessons.
I hear I'm not the only one whose son has a nasty left hook.
Hmm, yeah, well You know, at least he did something that we have not been able to do.
He stood up for himself when his father was wrong.
In fact, it might be the thing that I'm most proud of him for.
Hope he knows that.
Uh, he definitely does not.
-What's that? -I just saw him-- uh, heard him, rather-- at the model home when I was on my way out.
-George Michael's at the model home? -Well, if it wasn't him, it was somebody who certainly did a heck of a lot better impression of him than me.
[laughs] -Well, that could be anyone.
-Well, well Goodbye forever.
See you tonight.
-See you tonight.
-[Michael] See you tonight.
[Ron] So, Michael changed and raced to the model home.
But his hopes for an emotional -father-son reunion -Hey.
I'm sorry if things got, uh Are you crying? Hey.
were ruined -Hey.
-[Michael] Oh.
by an emotional father-son reunion.
Tonight's the big night.
Family of the year day.
What are you doing in George Michael's bed? Oh just a little [sniffles] just a little weep and sleep, you know.
Want to be the big man, so Can't do it at the office, obviously, and Lindsay's at the penthouse, and I can't go to the cot Well, we don't We only we only have the penthouse, -so I-I, uh, I came here.
I know about the cottage.
-I hated that rule.
-Michael? -Hmm.
-I hated both rules.
-Oh, yeah, the towels.
Can I ask you a question? How'd you get past the guard gate? I came from the water.
I knew it.
I told her.
I told her, "He's gonna take us from the beach.
" Well, I am glad.
I am glad you did.
Yeah, it's just your mother and her rules.
And I hated "no sand in the living room.
" [voice breaking] Why have a beach house if every member of the family can't enjoy it? You look like you're not enjoying anything.
-You all right? -Yeah.
Your mom and I are [clears throat] We're not together.
We're not together in the well, I guess in, uh, every meaning of that word.
I assumed that, but, uh, why aren't you enjoying that? Because your mom is being courted, Michael.
Someone is fawning all over her.
-I knew she had Buster.
-I knew it.
-This one's not Buster.
I mean, I wish that guy was Buster.
Him I could fight, you know? You see, this guy got past me.
How can your mother do this to me? I knew I should've sold that property when Stacy died.
No, we would've lost a fortune if we sold when Tracey died.
No, Stacy was the paralegal I used to bring out there who went into insulin shock at the very height of the market.
How can she do this to me? -[crying] -Yeah.
How can your mother do this? [Ron] Actually, she hadn't done anything yet.
But a few weeks earlier at the cottage When my daughter wins this election, we're going to be wall-to-wall wall.
a nuisance washed up on her beach.
You know, I smashed my phone a couple years ago, too.
With a hammer.
Never missed it.
Miss the hammer, but I guess that's why God made rocks.
But God made those rocks and put them in front of my cottage for me, so let's just leave them there.
I know the law pretty well, and I can pick up any rock I want.
Well, what do you use those for, anyway, Sand Hippie? -Making a yoga garden? -No.
I throw 'em at people that got no business being on this part of the beach.
[Ron] He had done so for years Van Halen was in town this weekend rocking audiences.
But some beachgoers are getting rocked in a different way by a group calling themselves the Newport Bay Boys.
[Ron] in what started as a cool, rich kid surfer gang that had been possessive about Newport's most beautiful cove Nirvana was in town this weekend rocking audiences.
But some beachgoers are getting rocked in a different way [Ron] and became a group of kind of hip, middle-aged surfer men defending their coastline.
50 Cent was in town this weekend rocking audiences, but some beachgoers are getting rocked in a different way.
I think we're good, guys.
They're gone.
Yeah, they're gone.
I'm Dusty.
[Lucille] That's a nice way to say it.
But let's not make a habit of this, shall we? Now, take your bucket full of rocks and be gone.
[Ron] But a habit of it he did make.
Hey! Get off my beach, you stupid seagulls.
Oh, hi.
Care to join me for a glass of breakfast wine? [Ron] And before long, they were in the first stages of a beautiful early October-late November relationship.
I mean, he's attracted to her.
He's attracted to her.
I'm sorry.
Why would he be attracted to her if he's blind? And how did he burn off his fingertips? I have no idea what you're talking about.
I may have added the fingertips.
I assume if he's blind, he's gotta feel her face.
But you said you never saw him touch her face? I never said he was blind.
Look, I'm sure it's nothing.
It's probably just some harmless one-way flirting.
You know, or a Russian prank show.
Maybe I deserve it, you know, 'cause I can't, uh I can't deliver the goods.
[sighs] I shouldn't have lied to you, Michael.
I'm not one to judge.
You know, look, I just I just told my son that I broke up with the woman that he's seeing, and in retrospect, I don't know, maybe she did not hear "I'm leaving" when I said, uh, "I ain't going nowhere.
" Sounds like a "goodbye forever" to me.
Right? But if she tells my son, uh, what I said, you know what he's gonna say.
Uh, "You lied, and that's worse.
" Yeah, you know, they can't wait to say stuff like that.
Well, I gotta tell her that that's the last she's gonna see of me.
I mean, at least it won't destroy her life like your mother did mine.
You gonna be okay here? -I ain't going nowhere.
-[door closes] -[sobbing]