Arrested Development s05e14 Episode Script

Saving For Arraignment Day

1 [RON] Now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] [RON] It's Arrested Development.
] Very disappointed with these swimsuits.
- That's right.
] What's with the shirts? You better bring it to the talent portion, Michael! A little more Magnum, P.
, - a little less Higgins.
- [BOTH LAUGH] Looking for a little Magnum, P.
? Oh, for God sakes.
Is that Stan Sitwell's eyebrow? I I I just told him he didn't leave it here! - [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - [LUCILLE] Get that off your face, - you horse's ass.
] Who the hell shows up - in the middle of a pageant? - [DOOR OPENS] - [WOMAN] Guess who! - [GEORGE SR.
] Mimi.
I should have called.
Hi! [CHUCKLES] [GASPS] Look at you! Look at all of you, rushing your Mimi [SIGHS] This is your grandmother.
] Kids, rush your Mimi.
- What are you doing here, Mom? Well, I wasn't gonna miss the last summer at the beach house with my gorgeous family.
Last summer? You're sick? No.
No, I I meant - I did I missed this - Yeah.
last summer, and, uh I want to be with you, and someone's got a big birthday coming up.
Where's my Lindsay? [LINDSAY] Right here.
- Hi, Mimi.
- [MIMI GASPS] And it's really not that big of a birthday.
I mean, I'm just turning 14.
And Michael is, too, because they're twins.
[WHISPERS] Of course you are.
I'm Gob.
Uh Why did you name him that? Mother, we haven't seen you in five years.
You don't need to come in here and criticize my children - in the middle of a pageant.
We're - Oh! Oh, you kept that tradition? Did your mother tell you - that I'm the one who started that? - [LUCILLE] Well, that's true, but you never let me wear the sash when I was little.
Oh, please, you were never little.
[LAUGHS] [QUIETLY] Your mother was never little.
[LAUGHS] [CHILDREN CHUCKLING] [GASPS] Oh, but this is perfect, 'cause I have a prize for one of the kids.
We already have a trophy for the winner.
It has a little magician on it.
[LUCILLE] Yes, for whoever wins.
They didn't have one with a boy doing push-ups.
[MIMI] All right.
The trophy can be your prize.
My prize is for whoever I deem to be the winner.
It's an all-expense paid cruise - with her grandmother.
- [DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS] All right, kids, why don't you get ready for the, uh, talent portion? - Let the grown-ups talk.
- [MIMI] Mm-hmm.
You know, I've been in the house five minutes.
You haven't even offered me so much as a pitcher of martinis.
I'll make two.
[DOOR CLOSES] [LUCILLE] So, you're not taking a cruise - with Uncle Jack this year? - Uh, no.
Jack dumped me.
[SNIFFLES] He says he wants to start - a clean slate on his 80th birthday.
- [COCKTAIL SHAKER RATTLES] Ah, well, anyway, I just thought the cruise would be the perfect gift for whoever wins.
I know what you're up to.
You're not taking Lindsay.
Well, soon, Lindsay will be old enough to make that decision for herself.
And I know you won't let me take Buster.
My God, when he was three years old, you still had him on a leash! [LAUGHS] I said, "She's gonna make a murderer out of that one.
" Oh, but we're getting ahead of ourselves! Let's see who wins the competition.
And I can be a judge.
Never too early to get Buster used to being in front of a judge.
and Lucille entered a courtroom that abounded with memories of Bluth family get-togethers.
[BARRY] Hi! Oh, hi.
- I've saved you some seats right here.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Right in front, right [RON] But there was nothing that could prepare them for the shock - [GASPS] - of seeing the bailiff - lead their son into the courtroom.
- [LUCILLE] I cannot believe this.
This is the guy who used to bring me out during my trials.
- Oh, God, it's great to see you, Chuck.
- Oh! I remember Chuck.
- You used to catch him when he'd run.
- Actually, - I'm Chuck's son.
- No.
You're little CJ? - [CJ] Mm-hmm.
- Your parents must be so proud.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I'm sure every parent is proud of their Well, why don't I just chain your boy to the bench here? - That would be fine.
Thank you.
- [CLICKS] - [HANDCUFFS JANGLING] - [IN SINGSONG VOICE] Mother Is there anybody else you'd like to say hello to, Mother? At least I came to your trial.
For mine, you were too busy juicing it up with that woman you probably pushed - [IN SINGSONG VOICE] Careful.
- Yep.
- You look different.
- [CHAINS RATTLE] I'm growing dreads, Mother.
Dreads right out of my head.
Just because you have an African-American left hand, all of a sudden you're Ray Charles? And I thought you Alibabaed one that was less threatening.
- Hello.
- Michael, what are you doing here? You kidding me? I want to see our legal team in action.
I mean, we're certainly spending a fortune on them.
[RON] It was a legal team that Barry had suggested.
the Guilty Guys.
Very expensive but very, very good, especially if you're guilty.
[RON] The so-called Guilty Guys were a law firm whose record was so unblemished they'd even been the subject of a reality show.
The project, which was to show a single case over the span of a season - [JUDGE] How do you plead? - was abandoned early on by Netflix as not being binge-worthy.
[MICHAEL] Where is this team we're spending all our money on? And And please tell me that it is not Barry.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm just here as a fan.
And for the referral fee.
I'm gonna go in the hall and see if they're here.
- Okay.
- [BARRY] I'm gonna try and get a selfie - with the G-Man.
- Shouldn't you be working on the wall? Uh, you know what? I wanna I want to take a step back.
I want to let my son flap his wings a bit.
Oh, God.
Did he take another swing at you? [CLICKS TONGUE] No, that that's not what he did.
George Michael fired you? [RON] That is what he did.
But it was only after Michael, having discovered his parents were in cahoots with Chinese investors to build a border wall, secretly spent the investors' money to merge with his son's company - I bought Fakeblock.
- What? [RON] provoking a dire warning from his parents.
They're going to be mildly displeased.
[RON] And though he refused to doom his son's company - by selling it - No, no.
No, no, no, no.
George Michael's got nothing to do with this.
[RON] a package from China threatened a more literal sort of defeat, which is how Michael came to announce both that he was building - a border wall - just for this project.
[RON] and that it was the reason he purchased Fakeblock - in the first place.
- [MICHAEL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] [RON] George Michael felt bulldozed by the announcement.
[GEORGE MICHAEL] What the [BLEEP]!? - [RON] Even though it was Gob - We're building a wall! Come back in two weeks! [RON] who moved up the date of the unveiling, which is what led to this.
- We're gonna need it in a month.
- You're fired.
Which, because of the merger, he had the right to do, but don't worry.
The wall's gonna be fine.
Gob's on it.
I don't want George Michael feeling guilty, so I told Gob, when it comes to the foot, - that mum's the word.
- [RON] Although "clear" might've been - an overstatement.
- It was a great move to get rid of your dad.
Can't let fear run a business.
How do you mean, fear? Well, you get sent one severed foot from the Chinese, and, all of a sudden, you turn into a crybaby.
The Chinese sent my dad a severed human foot? Yeah.
Although they call it a "mum.
" Mum's the word for "severed human foot" in Chinese.
I don't even know how I know that.
But it's to ensure that he finishes building the wall or whatever.
It's like, you know what? Like, call me after you've been lured down to a rock quarry, and someone threatens to ruin your magic career if you go to gay conversion therapy, and it works.
[CHUCKLES] I mean, seriously, call me after that, because I'd be curious to see how how you'd handle it.
[LUCILLE] Well, having a child try to embarrass you is part of parenting, sweetheart.
Mine's chained to a bench.
So, in that sense, he's an overachiever.
- [DOOR OPENS] - [CJ] All rise.
The Superior Court of Orange County is now in session.
The Honorable Judge Spencer Stanley presiding.
Please be seated.
- CJ, let me get to the chair.
- [CJ] Sorry.
[STANLEY] Does Defense have a counsel ready? Uh not quite yet, Your Honor.
Someone care to explain to me why there's no one to represent the client? - [UPBEAT THEME MUSIC PLAYING] - They're here! The Guilty Guys are here.
Oh, it's the Guilty Guys? They're here.
They're actually here.
- They're coming down the hall.
- [CJ] All rise - for the Guilty Guys.
- CJ, you don't have to [SIGHS] Okay, great.
Now I can't see.
[RON] And so, perhaps as an intimidation tactic, the Guilty Guys finally arrived, the fruits of their very expensive preparation on full display.
It was hard for anyone not to get caught up in the pageantry.
Uh, Barry? [CART SQUEAKS] [STANLEY] On the count of murder in the first degree, how does the defendant plead? - [ANITA CLEARS THROAT] - Your Honor, in the case of The State of California v.
Buster Bluth, we'd like to enter a plea of guilty.
Let's set a date for a sentencing presentation.
And on a personal note, I just want to say that it is not often in the course of a jurisprudence career that a judge has the - I want to say privilege - Sorry.
Did Did Did you say Did they say guilty? [BARRY] Look at that.
There is always a guy who wants to know what's going on.
It's why I could never go - to the movies with my father.
- Hello? Not! We'd like to plead not guilty, Your Honor.
Not guilty? You hired us to plead not guilty? [SCOFFS] Well, that's a first.
- [MICHAEL] Barry, what's going on? - [BARRY] Yeah? [MICHAEL] What's happening? You didn't want to plead guilty? Of course not! Buster's not guilty.
Well, then, these are not the guys.
No, I thought I told you that if I was guilty, then I would hire these guys, 'cause they get the best sentences.
You're saying these guys cannot represent us in in a not guilty plea? Why would you want to pay them for two months? I don't think they've ever been on a case that long.
[RON] Which was the same problem the producers of the Netflix series had, and actually why it was canceled - before the end of the main title.
- Your Honor, we'd like to enter a plea of guilty.
- Oh, honest to God, Barry - [BARRY] Okay.
Okay, let me take care of this.
Can I just ask, would you mind staying on the case if it's not guilty? - Sidebar, please.
- [RON] And, true to their reputation, this pivotal moment would also prove anti-climactic.
- Hey, yeah, we're out.
We just can't - Really? - We can't defend their son.
- [SIGHS] - [ALL CHEERING AND WHOOPING] - [JACK] Yeah! Yes! - Yes! - [SHARA] We did it! They're out.
We won't be hearing from them again.
Except for what they're gonna charge us for the phone call.
- They've never technically won a case - Mm-hmm.
but they've never lost a fee.
Of course, the bad news is Lottie is pushing to get this on the docket within the month.
- But we don't have an attorney.
- [BARRY] Well, that's what I said.
This DA, she is a killer.
She has never lost a case.
Well, just once.
But then, her ex was the opposing counsel.
Well, that's our answer.
We gotta get him as our attorney.
Oh, no.
He's retired.
Which is too bad, because she was so flustered by his argument, she called for a mistrial.
I have never seen Lottie Dottie cower like that before.
Of course, she was called Lottie Radler back then.
- Lottie Radler? - Yeah.
What's her ex-husband's name? - Dustin.
- Uh-uh.
She means Lottie's ex.
Dustin Radler, the guy you're dating.
No, it can't be.
I mean, he said he was retired, but, uh I have to get him on this case.
Well, I don't think he's gonna do it for free.
I'll let him move in.
That's what he wants.
No, no, no, no.
You're so close to ending it with him.
I mean, I You don't want to be leading him on.
We have to get our son off, and in three weeks, a mistrial is the only thing in our favor.
So that's my choice? Between my wife and my son? [BARRY] Isn't that the worst? Especially when you're checking into a hotel.
Here's my advice.
Always say that he's your wife, 'cause they never have the balls to check.
I'm out of context again, aren't I? [QUIETLY] I'm so sorry.
[RON] After firing his father, George Michael was visited by Maeby, who had father problems of her own.
[MAEBY] about being a backup person in the Blue Man Group, when he realizes that Marge is over, so of course he yells, "Voices up.
" And then I gotta hear Mrs.
Featherbottom cover by saying she meant "makeup," not "backup" person, and then go on to brag that, for four years, she blew three men five times a day, and now we've been called before the board for the third time.
Well, why don't you ask them to move out? It's not that easy.
Remember when your dad lived with you? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we had to do some crazy vote-out thing where he he forgot how voting worked.
He voted for himself.
[RON] In fact, it was a deeply complicated plan that required Michael believing he was voting out a third roommate, only to discover that the three turned on him Michael.
[RON] leading to a sense of betrayal that neither father nor son would soon recover from.
I just remember it working, so, maybe a vote will do it.
But you better watch out, because the gang's gonna try and live with you at Sudden Valley.
Well, with all the construction going on right now, they wouldn't get through.
Construction for what? The wall.
You're building the wall? I thought that's why you fired your dad.
Yeah, well, that was before I realized there was something else afoot.
George Michael, you can't do that.
Building that wall is gonna affect real people.
[GEORGE MICHAEL] I don't have the luxury of worrying about that.
Someone's gotta protect this family.
Well, what about their families? I got to know some of those people when I was working in that border town, acting like I was getting to know those people.
You sound just like a slightly self-aware Aunt Lindsay.
Well, you sound just like a minimally-woke Uncle Michael.
I'm not gonna go into this, because I don't want you getting involved, but we're building the wall.
Abandon your morals.
Build your dumb wall.
Appease your dumb guilt at firing your father because of his dumb investment.
It's not dumb.
He's the only person who ever believed in this company.
Which isn't real, so that makes it dumb.
You know what? I don't even care anymore, though.
It'll be you who's guilty of fraud.
But, hey, maybe you can get those dumb attorneys from that short Netflix show that's not on the air anymore.
[MAN] They canceled that? [RON] Lucille was attempting to get a lawyer herself Dusty, after revealing to him that she now knew about his relationship with Lottie Dottie.
- Da.
- Da.
Da! Oh, I knew you'd find out eventually.
I mean, I haven't exactly been in a courtroom for For several years, I know.
I wouldn't ask if I had other options.
Look, I don't want to take advantage [SIGHS] but your ex wants to make sure my son can never truly be free in his life, and maybe you think I'm an overbearing mother, but I will not let this DA take my job.
I think you're a very caring mother.
In fact, I'll go one step further.
I think this is how a mother's supposed to act.
Oh, so she's not as sweet as she seems, is she? Trust me, it's all an act.
She's not even interested in children.
Well, maybe, like, babies, but that's weird, because who likes babies? Mm, especially in the early years, I know.
Well, this is a way to expose her.
I mean, she'll be so rattled, she'll call for a mistrial before you're even finished with your opening statement.
Oh, boy, now I'm really tempted.
I ca I can't wait to see her face when she learns that you're the one I'm with now.
Believe me, I even wanted to lie and tell her things had gotten sexual with us, but I didn't want to make things weird.
You don't have to tell her about us.
I mean, I'm old enough to be your mother.
That's why I chose the word "weird.
" But maybe that's why I've been eager to move in with you.
And I think maybe it's time for that to happen.
[DUSTY] Then I'm in.
I will be your lawyer.
Let her see what I can do when I'm with a woman who totally accepts me.
I wouldn't change a thing, and of course, you'll need to cut your hair.
Oh, that'll make her totally crazy.
She could never get me to do that.
[SCOFFS] [RON] But precious weeks had passed before Michael had even heard of the plan.
They're gonna do one of their slimy cheat-the-system shortcuts that never works instead of postponing the trial? [BUSTER SPEAKING ON PHONE] Okay, I have to take over the case.
[BUSTER] Not if he's unprepared.
You You need someone who's who's got a background.
I mean [BUSTER] With your case.
[BUSTER] No, I don't think that.
I am the [CLEARS THROAT] Hey, look look, I We're in a financial jam right now.
You know? I I even had to use my show business connections to get a film crew to rent out the cottage for a couple of days.
You know, of course, - the real payment there was - [BUSTER] Uh, no, not at all.
The And that was the real payment, just to see her reaction to a boom operator standing on her bed, it was worth it.
But I I don't know, may maybe we can now afford, like, one Guilty Guy.
- [BUSTER, IN SINGSONG VOICE] [IN NORMAL VOICE] I just spoke to her today.
- In person? - [MICHAEL] Uh, no.
On the phone.
- She calls me all the time.
- Oh! [MICHAEL] I heard her in her apartment earlier.
[RON] Michael had been ducking Lucille 2's calls [LUCILLE, ON PHONE] It's Lucille Austero.
I've been looking - No! - [RON] after she disappeared on what he believed was May 6th.
[MICHAEL] Oh, my God, no, this this is open and shut.
No, I am taking over the case.
I have proof.
She left voice mails.
Hold on.
[RON] And that's when Michael realized why all the phone calls from Lucille 2 during her campaign always went on about the same thing.
[LUCILLE 2, ON VOICE MAIL] It's Lucille Austero.
I've been looking for you.
- I know you haven't forgotten - [PHONE BEEPS] [MICHAEL] Uh, I guess I erased them.
Yeah, fine.
Sure, we'll try it your way.
We'll do the Dusty mistrial thing.
Yes, that could work.
[RON] Knowing that Fakeblock would be revealed as a fraud at the coming unveiling, George Michael realized he needed to create a distraction.
So he went to the most easily distracted person he knew.
Got a minute? - Hey, um, Gob? - Who's gonna tell you when - Yes? Oh, I just Yep.
Just - [GEORGE MICHAEL] Um, uh Um, yeah.
I've been thinking about this wall thing.
I I think that maybe we just cancel the event, and, uh, just do it for the investors.
Cancel the event? [CHUCKLES] No.
We can't cancel the gig.
[GEORGE MICHAEL] It's gonna be boring.
I mean, there's nothing to it.
We're gonna have press and TV cameras out there and have this giant audience.
For what? Just Just to look at a wall? Or, I mean [SCOFFS] Oh, George Michael, no.
If there are gonna be as many people there as you think, I gotta put on a goddamn show.
A magic show from me.
- Yep.
- [GOB] They come to look at a wall? - We make it so they can't look away.
- Do you really think so? [GOB] Yes! Except for a very few specific moments where we need them to look away, so I can do the little tricky part.
I also think it's a great opportunity to lure [RON] Gob knew he couldn't say that it could lure Tony Wonder out of hiding, while simultaneously allowing Gob to go back to his straight life - without angering - Angering - [RON] the gay Mafia.
- the gay Mafia.
- Yes.
Well, would you maybe be in charge of that? [SCOFFS] Great.
I'll be here all [BLEEP] night! [RON] Gob would leave the office three minutes later.
[RON] The night before the trial, George Sr.
arrived at the cottage I thought you wanted me to pre-tie his tie.
[RON] to review their legal strategy.
He's not here.
He ran off.
He's flipping out.
] What is he flipping out about? I thought he wins every case.
I mean, it's Lottie who should be flipping out.
Oh, I'm sure she will.
It It's just pre-trial jitters.
- [RON] It was more than pre-trial jitters.
- God, I can't breathe.
It's choking me.
[GRUNTS] Hey, what's the matter with you? Shouldn't you be working on your opening statement? Ah, I hate it! I just wasted an hour and a half working on an opening joke, till I realized that it's from Fast and Furious.
It doesn't even work unless you're in a Camaro.
[LUCILLE] Why are you worried about a joke? You just need an opening argument.
Well, because my argument comes right after I state, "If you think that's funny, wait until you hear what the opening statement the prosecution is gonna give.
" I thought the prosecution went first and then the defense.
Sorry, I forgot, you know everything.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm just anxious.
You're anxious?! [SCOFFS] You're the mother of the defendant, everybody's favorite.
I'm gonna be the one everyone's staring at, and I know literally who's gonna be judging me the most.
- The judge can't show favoritism.
- No.
- Lottie! - [LUCILLE] Oh, that's ridiculous.
Trust me, the moment she sees you walk into that courtroom, the joke's going to be on her! Yeah! That's why I wanted to tell the joke first! God! You never listen to me! What are you doing? Nobody's even swimming out there! Okay, Dusty, you really need to calm down.
You calm down.
Stop telling me what to do.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to be your mother, but but I'm worried about my son.
If you don't want to be my mother, then maybe stop referring to me as your son, how about that? I I'm talking about Buster.
Yes! You're always talking about Buster.
Buster this, Buster that.
How are you gonna represent Buster? Have you talked to Buster today? You know what? [GRUNTS] No! No, say it.
I hate him! I hope he loses! I'm going to my fort! [SIGHS] [RON] But even this could provide no solace - for Dusty.
- Hey! Locals only, brosef.
Turista non grata, dude.
Yo, dudes! It's me, - Dusty! - What's with the tie? Yeah, I know.
She made me wear it.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] [MAN] Get lost! - [SAD PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] - That's right, keep walking, pal.
] Jitters can be bad.
Remember when I had them the night before we went to trial - for that tax evasion in '88? - [LUCILLE] Oh, yeah.
- We had to hide all that boy fight money.
] Yeah.
You gave me that "in case you're going away" present.
That got the jitters out of me.
What do you think about doing that with Dusty? How can you ask me that? I just know how you can be.
There was a time right after Gob was born when you grew cold and contemptuous of everyone.
You remember that? Well, only because it's still going on.
Maybe I've pulled away from him.
In fact, most nights he goes back home to sleep in his own bed.
Which is fine.
I I want his head in his work.
That doesn't necessarily mean yours has to take the night off.
Hey, I hate the idea, but we gotta do something to get his confidence in that courtroom, and I am willing to shut my eyes and let it happen.
Now you know how I felt all those years, George.
[RON] But even though Lucille felt good about making George feel bad, she knew that he was right.
So that evening, she arrived at the home she felt Dusty had been driven back to by her lack of physical affection.
Someone will be with you in just a moment.
Although it was considerably less modest than she had imagined.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] - May I help you? - I'm sorry.
I thought this was where Dustin Radler lived.
Radler's in his bedroom.
- I'll have to announce you.
- Announce me? - Carla, please! - No, no.
I I was just going to casually drop by.
- Carla, Miss - Bluth.
Lucille Bluth.
Yeah, is here for a casual drop-by.
Why is this the first I'm hearing about it? I'm sorry.
I didn't Was the casual drop-by scheduled within the month? You don't need to ask that.
Just check all the way back - through May.
- May I be of assistance? [WOMAN] Mrs.
Bluth is here for a CDB, and Carla didn't know about it.
Most likely because it wasn't made into a Vine.
[MAN] That's fine, I'm sure it was booked through our second floor staff.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were close to the Salazars.
No, I didn't book - Who are the Salazars? - [MAN] The second floor staff.
Salazar was our pantry captain for 15 years.
[WOMAN] Yes, back when she was Ms.
Three guesses what she did to get on two.
You You I'm just here to see Dusty.
Uh, Mr.
But, I I I'm sorry, you all work for him? He never mentioned that he had so much [RON] Lucille thought better of saying "money.
" - of a staff here.
- [MAN] On the first floor? What, does he now think the Salazars control everything? I told you! The first floor used to mean something in this house.
Jean, no.
That pantry is unguarded.
You must start keeping up that datebook.
Jean! [RON] Lucille could tell there was tension among her boyfriend's staff, and she felt compelled to say How rich is this sand hobo? [RON] Well, yeah, she did say that.
But about the staff, she also said I'm going to [BLEEP] him.
[RON] Oh, ap apologies.
I don't know why I thought she said something about the staff.
[RON] On the next Arrested Development - [DEBRIE] Annette.
- [RON] Maeby uses her mathematical ingenuity to rig an election.
- Annette.
- Dad said no talking.
Then why the hell are you talking, Bev? Why the I'm sorry.
I didn't know they would both vote against you.
- "My daughter Annette.
" - [TOBIAS] The Uh, or I wouldn't have voted that way, is what I meant to say.
- Should we read the last one? - [MAEBY] No.
Because it's just gonna say my name.
I voted myself out, too, okay? 'Cause I can't take it anymore.
You've taken all the fun out of the worst part of life.
[RON] But while packing up, Maeby comes across something of Stan Sitwell's from before she moved in.
[MAEBY] So if these people really disappeared that means there's an ocean view available.