As Time Goes By (1992) s03e06 Episode Script

306 - Branching Out

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # - So what do you think? - It's very nice.
- No, what do you think of the logo? - Very nice.
I want an honest opinion.
- It's a bit like Superman 2, isn't it? - The 2 is because it's a second branch.
Yes, I'd worked that out.
You don't like it, do you? To tell you the truth, it's a bit pretentious for my taste.
- You think I'm pretentious? - I wasn't talking about you.
That.
Well, as I thought it up, the implication's obvious.
- Iron drawers.
- What? Sandy said that's what the girls in the office used to call you.
I can see why.
I want you to be pleased.
I've worked so hard for the second branch.
I am pleased.
I just don't like the name.
- Would you like to see inside? - Mm, rather.
Are you being sarcastic? Sorry.
Shouldn't you wear a hat and cut a tape? Ha.
I'll do that when it opens.
Oh, thank you very much.
They're rather fun, these.
Oh, yes.
The girls and I play on them all the time.
Do you really think this logo's pretentious? - Look, what weight does my opinion carry? - We are living together.
My opinion carries no weight in a business sense.
What do I know? I'm hardly a tycoon, am I? - What, still nothing on the lecture front? - No, they seem to have dried up.
I suppose me chuntering on about my life in Kenya always did have a boredom threshold.
Well, there's always the book.
They can suddenly take off, books.
The only way this one will take off is if someone reads it on a plane.
You're not talking like a man who once played rugby against a parachute regiment.
I was young.
All I had to do was get bashed about.
How did we get talking about me? You're the man of the moment.
Oh, I bet Richard Branson is shaking in his shoes.
Actually, I do have a problem.
I need somebody to run this new branch.
- If that's an offer - No, it isn't.
You're a dear man, Lionel Well, you can be a dear man.
But the thought of you running a secretarial agency Get off! Get off! Get off! - I don't have to go on, do I? - Absolutely not.
- Talk of a bull in a china shop.
- We agreed you didn't have to go on.
Sorry.
I'd have thought Judith was the obvious choice.
Yes.
Not what I'd call unbridled enthusiasm.
Well, I'd better get back to the office.
Have you any plans? Of the vague variety.
- Something will turn up.
- Course it will.
If it doesn't, I can always go back to male modelling.
- Good morning, Type For You.
- Hello, Sandy.
It's Alistair.
- Oh, hello, Alistair.
- Listen, erm - Can you talk? - I just did.
Funny, but you know where I'm coming from.
- I'm alone, if that's what you mean.
- Brilliant.
- No, it's a simple enough deduction.
- OK, OK.
Look, erm - Are you free for lunch? - Alistair, Judith is a friend of mine.
I didn't mean that kind of lunch! I think it's time that you and I talked business, Sandy.
I'll have a few morsels sent round to the office.
One o'clock? Alistair, I do have a job.
People have bad backs, Sandy, but they can get better.
- See you at one.
- I won't be there.
Then it'll just be me and my morsels.
Ciao.
I've been shopping.
Everything under control? What if I said that everything was in chaos? It wouldn't be, not with you here.
No, good old Sandy.
Come and see what I've bought.
- What do you think? - Well, it's quieter.
- Yes.
- That's a very sensible skirt.
Well, there is a time for flashing your knees.
Oh, yes, definitely.
And a time not.
I mean, if I'm going to run this new branch I thought that I'd try for a more sober image.
More mature.
- Congratulations.
- Well, Mum hasn't actually said anything yet.
But sort of stands to reason, doesn't it? Yes, it sort of does, really.
It must be nearly lunch time.
Shall we pop across the road, be incredibly disciplined and have a salad? Erm, actually I'm already having lunch with someone.
- Oh? - It's just a friend.
Oh, right.
Well, I'll see you later, then.
Yeah.
- More champagne.
- No, thanks.
- I've got to work this afternoon.
- So have I.
- Do you always lunch like this? - Only when I have a morsel sent in.
I do just as well on a fry-up.
Do what just as well? What I do.
- Let's talk.
- OK.
- Would you feel more relaxed naked? - No.
Worth a try.
Sandy, I want you to come and work for me.
- I see.
- I need a Girl Friday.
Oh, I hate that expression.
It makes me think of coming to work in a goatskin dress.
Lose Girl Friday, substitute personal assistant.
Who takes her clothes off.
Sandy, I have dreams and I have work.
I am talking work.
You are bright.
I need a bright person.
- And you'll notice I didn't use the word girl.
- You've got a nerve, you know.
- I've worked for Jean for ages.
- As a secretary, yes.
But where do you go from there? Let's be real.
It's obvious that Judy gets the new branch.
- Blood is thicker than ability, and so on.
- I like Jean.
Hey, I'm crazy about the lady, but I'm talking work.
I'm talking future.
- You're serious.
- As in serious.
- You haven't talked about money.
- No.
I never talk about money.
You are serious! Oh! - Hello.
- Hello.
- Good day at the office? - Not particularly, no.
- Have you been doing the ironing? - Well, idle hands and so on.
I did a fair bit of square stuff, well, rectangular to be precise, and I was going to plough on, but I don't know where to start with things like this.
You don't.
You don't iron bras.
Really? I didn't know that.
I can't iron this like an ordinary shirt, can I? Oh.
No, not really, no.
Look, I'd pack up and have a rest.
Perhaps you're right.
It's getting too technical.
- I'll make us a cup of tea.
- No, I'll make tea.
- I can make tea.
- I know you can.
- I don't want you to.
You've done the ironing.
- Not all day.
I just don't want you to feel you've got to do things in the house.
You frightened I'll turn into a drudge? Alistair says he's trying to sell the book in Holland.
Yes, it's a shame about that.
I've always liked the Dutch.
And Scandinavia.
I can't honestly see My Life In Kenya setting Stockholm alight.
They may be fascinated.
They're very inquisitive people, the Swedes.
- How do you know? - Common knowledge.
- Is it? - Yes.
Oh, well, I'll sit back and wait for the kroner to roll in.
And the guilders.
Look here, should I be paying you rent? - Of course you shouldn't.
- Well I should chip in.
You are chipping in.
Look at all that ironing.
- And you got the breakfast.
- I boiled three eggs.
Don't let's talk about money.
- Shall I do the dinner tonight? - No, I'll do the dinner.
- All right.
- Being here, Lionel.
That's chipping in.
Having someone to talk to.
Actually, I want to talk to you now.
It's about Judy.
I've been going over and over it in my mind, but I don't think she's the right person to run that new branch.
- Does she expect to? - Yes.
Oh.
And I've got to tell her.
- Oh.
- I can't let her go on thinking it.
No.
- I'm not being very constructive, am I? - There's nothing to be constructive about.
- It's nice to have someone to talk to.
- Who do you think can run the branch? Well, someone who I know can.
Sandy.
Hello, young lovers! That's her.
- She's going upstairs.
- Is that significant? No.
But I'd just better get it over with.
Right.
Look, I'll start the dinner.
- No, you will not.
- You don't expect me to come with you? No, no.
Judy! Could I talk to you for a moment? Custard tarts! Hee-hee! - May I come in? - Course you can come in.
You live here.
It's been an hour.
I was sure you'd had your chat.
Chat? So, I, uh put some jacket potatoes in the oven.
- I said I'd do dinner.
- I thought jacket potatoes would be a start.
Oh.
Yes.
Well, good.
I'd better find something which goes with jacket potatoes.
- I'll help you look.
- No, I'm fine.
I promise I won't cook what we find.
- Drink? - No, thanks.
I think I will.
You knew about the "chat", then? Erm your mother did mention it, yes.
You did remember to prick the potatoes with a fork? Oh, yes.
Well Yes? I expect you're a bit disappointed.
Oh, that was a stupid remark.
Of course you are.
- Your mother was very worried.
- Oh, do tell.
Actually, it was rather a brave decision to take.
Oh.
So now she's a heroine.
I'm not putting her in the Edith Cavell class.
- Who's Edith Cavell? - Never mind.
- Knees and dimples.
- Not Edith Cavell! Me.
Knees and dimples.
Soothing dissatisfied customers.
Knees for the men and dimples for the women.
"She's so sweet.
She's got such an honest face.
You can't stay angry with her for long.
"She hasn't got a brain in her head but let's give the agency another chance.
" Anyway, that's the really professional me.
The sum total.
I'm sure Jean didn't say any of that.
That's what she meant.
"No organisational skills.
" She did say that.
"A bit slapdash.
Not the best timekeeper in the world," she said that.
"You sometimes treat this job as though it's some sort of a hobby.
" - She did say that.
- She was right.
What? You're a sweet girl, but if you'd worked for me in Kenya, you wouldn't have lasted two weeks.
- I never wanted to plant cocoa.
- Coffee.
Coffee, then.
So I'm useless.
No.
And don't say that was the inference.
Of course you're not useless.
But you could be more useful.
Nose to the grindstone, all that sort of thing.
Yeah.
All that sort of thing.
I thought you liked me.
You don't really expect me to fall for that one, do you? No.
You're getting to know me too well.
Don't just be the boss's daughter, Judith.
I should never have assumed that I qualified, I suppose.
No.
Whereas Sandy does qualify.
Sandy? Yeah.
Didn't your mother tell you? You shouldn't have left me in there.
But she likes you.
I thought you'd cheer her up.
I almost did.
- What happened? - I mentioned Sandy.
- Oh - I assumed you'd told her.
I was keeping that for tomorrow.
- I bet you wish you hadn't moved in.
- I'll tell you when we've had dinner.
- Do you want a tissue? - No, I'm all right, thank you.
I hoped I'd never hear myself saying this but I don't understand the younger generation.
I offer you a real chance of promotion and you act as if I've given you the sack.
I thought you'd offer the job to Judith.
- I didn't.
- But she's your daughter.
Which didn't make it very easy.
Look, the job is yours by rights, Sandy.
You're better at it than Judith is.
Oh, do you think I could have that tissue now, please? - Is it the excitement? - No.
- Pollen? - What? I've run out of ideas.
No, it's guilt.
Alistair made me an offer and I said I'd think about it.
Oh, I see.
Was it a mafia kind of offer, the sort you can't refuse? It is very tempting.
From Alistair I wouldn't have expected less.
Do you want to stop me thinking about it by just kicking me out now? No, I've got my best shoes on.
Look, it's business, Sandy.
There's no need to feel guilty about it.
But I went behind your back.
I wanted to tell you about it but I thought you'd hit the roof.
Look.
Your career is yours.
Your life is yours.
If you told me that you were talking to Alistair, I'd have said You're quite right, I'd probably have hit the roof.
Makes me glad I'm unemployed.
- You're self-employed.
- Well Self-employed unemployed then.
You'll give Judith the job now? No.
How would you like to be as good as told you're second best? Depends what at, really.
If I was second best at knitting, I wouldn't mind.
- You can knit? - No.
You're just being flippant.
Well, I was just trying to cheer you up.
Do you like chilli? The food or the country? The food.
I don't know.
I haven't tasted it for a long time.
Yes, I think I do.
Why? I make a very fair chilli.
I thought I might make us some for dinner tonight.
Why have you got this fetish about cooking dinner? It isn't a fetish - I'm not doing much else.
Stop being a male chauvinist and let me do chilli.
All right.
I'd like that.
Fetish.
If I had a fetish it'd be a damn sight more interesting than chilli con carne.
What would it be? - Women with ice cream round their mouths.
- Oh, you might have told me! I just did.
Thanks Sorry.
I should have just muttered and kicked it away with my Zimmer frame.
- Lionel? - Mm? You know we agreed that the idea of you running the new branch was a silly one.
Is it so silly? No, it's totally absurd.
- I admire the way you thought it through.
- There's nothing to think through.
Me, handling a lot of women? - We're not wild beasts.
Just takes a bit of organising, that's all.
- Get yourself a good secretary.
- My stepmother, old Madge.
She's 78, according to you, off her chump.
And she'd fit the set-up you're proposing perfectly, wouldn't she? I know why you're doing this.
- It's a "make Lionel a few bob" idea, isn't it? - No.
- Prove it.
- Well, all right, all right.
- It would help me because - You can't.
Just a minute.
Now, just a minute.
It would help me because it would be nice for me to have somebody I know working with me.
Know? We sleep together.
- Know very well, then.
- Hmph! Can you honestly see me working for you? Yes! - Honestly and truly? - You're stubborn.
What was that for? If I were a frontiersman, you're the woman I'd like by my side.
You're not becoming a frontiersman? - Not immediately, no.
- Oh! - What was that for? - You didn't explain, so Oh! Sorry.
What am I apologising for? Stupid young fools! Make yourself at home.
Alistair will be with you in a minute.
Thank you.
My God, you look fantastic! - What are you doing? - Telling you you look fantastic.
- Why are you dressed like that? - I've just had a sauna.
- In the office? - Yes.
Hey, if you ever fancy one, just drop by.
Would you like some carrot juice? Chinese gooseberry? I didn't come for carrot juice or Chinese gooseberries and I didn't come here for a sauna.
I came here to tell you that you are a toad.
Here.
- What are they? - You're stressed.
I am not stressed.
- Then why call me a toad? - Poaching my secretary.
Ah, this is true.
- I thought we were meant to be friends.
- We still are.
When I think we could have been something more Woof! You still excite me.
Oh, please, Alistair, please.
Stop all that.
I think you owe me an explanation.
- Sandy is a diamond.
- That's it? What would you do if she worked for me? I'd think you were very lucky.
- And? - That's it.
That's all.
- We are talking business.
- I know we're talking business.
- You do look fantastic though.
- That isn't business.
OK, listen.
If she worked for me and you got the impression she wasn't happy, are you telling me you wouldn't make the slightest noises towards her? I might.
That's all I did.
She thought Judy would get the new job.
I know, but I want Sandy to have it.
But I have to be honest.
I mean, I can't compete with a sauna in the office.
OK.
We leave it to Sandy.
We'll just sit back and I'll increase my offer.
- If you do, I'll turn on the tears.
- Fair enough.
- You do look fantastic.
- Alistair Life with Lionel obviously suits you.
Ah.
- Probs? - Well, the book's not selling, is it? - The truth.
- On a scale of one to ten no.
And the lecture tours are conspicuous by their absence.
He keeps wanting to cook dinner.
I don't want him to feel I don't want him to feel less.
- He's a weird guy, Lionel.
- No, he's not.
He can be a bit odd, but he's not weird.
Why else would he turn down a bunch of dollars? - He wouldn't.
- He has.
- When? - A couple of weeks ago.
It's there to be written.
Your story.
Your young story.
It grabs me by the throat and yells "miniseries".
- You're off your trolley.
- I have a sauna in the office.
Who'd be interested in a soppy story like that? Only the world.
I'm serious.
I offered to talk to America.
Do you know what Lionel said? I don't know.
Something like, "How nice for America.
" - Oh! - Exactly like.
You know there are private people and there are private people and then there's Lionel.
- It's not just his story.
- You could be Julia Roberts.
Oh, no! She's very nice but 18 she's not.
- Did you look 18 when you were 18? - I must have done.
- Perhaps a young Jodie Foster.
- Perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves.
- Only way to go.
- Not for me.
And certainly not for Lionel.
Let's get back to square one.
How much of a reality is all this? - I am here to tell you - On a scale of one to ten.
Maybe three.
But it's better than cooking dinner.
- Let's talk.
- In the sauna? No, let's talk.
Alistair, you're not a toad.
My chilli's coming along very nicely.
- You did soak the kidney beans? - Of course.
I'm only asking! You get a bit touchy when you cook.
Only when it's faintly ambitious.
When I boil an egg, I'm positively cavalier.
I saw Alistair today.
I tore him off a strip for trying to poach Sandy.
- I assume he was very contrite.
- Almost grovellingly.
You never told me he was asking you to write something else.
- Us.
- Yes.
I'd sooner walk naked down Oxford Street.
Oh! - That'll be Judy.
If there's a row - I'll be in the kitchen.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
- We've had a chat.
- Yes? - I'm sorry, Mum.
- Oh.
As for you Oh, thank you.
I should never have thought I was up for the job in the first place.
Maybe the next branch.
That's it.
That's me, really.
And, erm I've said no to Alistair.
And I don't want to run the new branch either.
But it was nice to be appreciated.
Thank you.
Well, that's me, really.
- Whatever happened to ambition? - Well, that can wait a bit.
- I don't know why I bother with you two.
- Because we're so lovable.
- Cheerio, we're off to eat.
- Have a nice time.
- Thanks for being so loyal, Sandy.
- That's all right.
I, er thought we might talk about a raise tomorrow.
For both of us.
Women! Ready to eat? Oh - You're quite pink.
- Oh It's very nice, it's just It's just a bit on the hot side.
I'm used to making it the way I like it.
- I'll tone it down a bit next time.
- Just a bit, yes.
No, no, sit for a bit.
Have some more wine.
- You? - Oh, no.
No.
I'll stick to the water.
About Alistair.
I make quite a fair spotted dick, you know.
Oh, good.
- About Alistair.
- My stew's not to be sneezed at either.
- About Alistair.
- Pie in the sky.
Are we still on the cooking or have we finally got to Alistair? Alistair.
It's all pie in the sky.
Be honest.
You read the book.
I should have sold it as a sleeping pill.
He's not talking about a book.
He's talking about a miniseries.
What, written for tiny little people? I'm gonna empty the rest of this chilli over you.
- I can't write a miniseries.
- You don't know that yet.
Just a few hours about you and I when we were young.
Scene one.
Lionel the Viking leaps from his longship.
It's all history.
We're not relevant.
Of course we're relevant.
We're here.
Of course we're relevant.
History as you call it can make very good television.
Look at that thing we watched the other night about the '50s with that actor that actor in it.
- Well, it was very good.
- You fell asleep.
Yes, well, the bits I saw were very good.
I mean - Period pieces.
- Us? That's what they're called.
They're popular.
If Alistair thinks they can work then why not? Would you allow cameras in the bedroom when we were in bed? - No.
Don't be so silly.
- That's the equivalent.
- But Lionel, nobody wants us in it.
- Well It's still pie in the sky and Alistair knows it.
I can't write fiction.
But you don't know that yet.
It's not fiction.
It all happened.
It's our business and nobody else's.
I'm going to clear away.
I know why that mule kicked you in Korea.
- It thought you were another mule.
- Shall I save this for tomorrow? I don't think my temperature will have returned to normal by then.
- I'll have it for lunch.
- Look, it's just a story.
It hardly comes under the heading of a startling revelation in a Sunday newspaper.
- We'd give away something of ourselves.
- Nobody'll know it's us.
With Alistair involved, don't you bet on it.
He'd probably run guided tours past the house.
"If you look out the left-hand side of the bus, you may just catch the original relics.
" Your argument's getting wilder by the minute.
I can't see why you're so keen on this.
For you.
You ought to be doing something, not loading dishwashers and wondering how to iron bras.
It's not the money.
I don't care if you never earn another penny for the rest of your life.
But you do.
It's pride.
I want you to be proud.
And I want to be proud because you're proud.
Now, scene one.
A handsome young 2nd lieutenant in the Middlesex regiment strides through Hyde Park.
I was strolling, and I draw the line at handsome.
Well, strolling, then.
He sees a young nurse.
Now, what then? The most original chat-up line he can think of is - "Could you tell me the way to Curzon Street?" - Yes.
Well, ignore that.
What did this young officer feel? A total fool in retrospect.
I'm not talking about "in retrospect".
What did he feel then? I saw you and I stopped breathing.
I really did.
Did you? I started again, obviously, or I'd have died, but for that moment, there was nobody in that park.
Nothing else in the park, just you.
Shall we have an early night tonight? - Good idea.
- It's a beautiful thing to say.
- I couldn't write it.
- You just did.
- What about sex scenes? - We had plenty of those, didn't we? - Us, on a television screen.
- Lionel! You will not get into your head It wouldn't be us, it would be two other people.
It could be lovely.
You're getting carried away.
You know Alistair.
Today's hot idea is tomorrow's cold potato.
Pie in the sky, that's all it is.
- Hello.
- Hi, lovely lady.
Oh, hello Where? Oh, of course you must.
Yes, I'll tell him.
- Ciao, lovely lady.
- Bon voyage.
That was Alistair, phoning from Heathrow.
He's flying out.
He's going to talk to America.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #