Atypical (2017) s03e01 Episode Script
Best Laid Plans
1 [SAM.]
When I was younger, my mom created a board game.
It was called Sam Takes a Walk.
I know, good title.
- Hurry! - Sam! [COUGHS.]
You just dropped a huge bomb on me.
Before we go to that lock-in, I need to process in silence.
Okay, but It was about a little boy with brown hair named Sam who walked through his neighborhood and encountered different obstacles - Now can we - Nope.
[SAM.]
a dog barking, a mailman delivering a package, an unexpected visitor.
Do you wanna come in and talk? So do you remember the parents from the peer group? I thought you knew.
You were on the e-mail chain.
I wouldn't have said all that if I knew people were here.
I'm sorry.
- I understand if you wanna go.
- No.
Can I at least have a beer? Of course.
[SAM.]
And your task was to handle each obstacle appropriately, saying the right thing.
Is it that hard to text? "I'm sorry, I can't make it.
I'm running late.
" It's called manners.
[SAM.]
Instead of acting out using replacement behaviors.
The thing is the obstacles weren't really obstacles.
They were usually just other people living in the world.
Which can sometimes feel very problematic.
Is everything okay? It's Elsa.
"Hi, honey bear.
" Bear emoji.
"Can you please pick up a fire extinguisher on the way home?" - [POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [MAN VOCALIZING.]
[WOMAN.]
Hello, Mr.
Graham.
Bad boy run wild I'm on a mission now Won't stop No destination, but it's worth a shot You gotta let it go You gotta let it go Run wild, I'm on a mission now Won't stop No destination, but it's worth a shot Ah! You gotta let it go You gotta let it go [LAUGHING.]
- Yeah, so we should probably - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Let's go, honey bear.
- Awesome.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
I know they lock you in, but do they lock you out? - Sam! - Sorry.
Okay, Sam I have my answer.
To what? Sam Gardner, your timing is terrible telling me that you love me right before we both go off to college.
Where we're gonna be separated not only by hundreds of miles, but also by the cultural differences dictated by our specific institutions.
- What? - And my summer is so packed: my internship, babysitting.
I leave for my camp job in six weeks.
I gotta find someone to take care of my plants while I'm away.
My mom certainly can't handle them all.
Okay.
But even with all that, I accept.
- Accept what? - We can get back together.
But, Sam, I want a summer of love.
Okay, every day packed with adventure and romance, every moment dreamy and perfect.
Okay.
- Can we go inside now? - Sure.
Let the romance commence.
[LOCK RATTLES.]
We're locked out.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BRIGGS.]
All right, huddle up, let's do this.
Now, we've never met, but you all seem a lot nicer than the girls track team.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
You're not Miss Whitaker.
No.
No, I am not.
Thanks for noticing.
I'm Coach Briggs.
Miss Whitaker is on her honeymoon, but unfortunately, there was a hurricane.
She's dead? No! No, not at all.
Just a flight delay.
Sorry.
Maybe I should have led with that.
But I got 16 credits toward my social work degree, so I figured I'm the next best thing.
So if there's anything you wanna know How tall are you? Do you wanna hear me sing? [SINGS HIGH NOTE.]
If you're gonna blow that whistle, can you warn us first? Nice teeth.
Strips? Okay, why don't we stick to me asking the questions? Miss Whitaker left me a list.
How's everybody's summer? Excellent.
Paige wanted a summer of love, and I'm very good at it.
So far, we've had three picnics, two moonlit walks and one blow job Whoa, whoa, whoa! Next question.
How's everybody feeling about life beyond high school? Good.
I've already got the layout of the Denton dentistry department memorized.
You're going to Denton? That's my alma mater.
Anybody else here? Nice! Teammates.
You could all hang out.
We're all in different departments.
I'll never see them.
Agreed.
This is where it ends.
Okay, well, I'm sure you'll do great wherever you go.
Probably not.
I read that four out of five students with autism don't graduate college.
- And there's six of us.
- Four out of five? - That's a lot.
- Yep.
[SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
[BRIGGS.]
Hold on.
I tell this to the girls [SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
- Four out of five - [NOELLE.]
How big are you feet? [SAM.]
While any expedition can be physically grueling - [BRIGGS.]
Size 40.
- the most challenging aspects are mental, dealing with the fear, the isolation, the doubt.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm gonna get to this this weekend.
We either need to get a power sander or just an area rug.
Or we can keep it as a reminder that if you're not gonna show up somewhere, you should call.
Ha ha.
Seriously? - I told you I was sorry, Elsa.
- I know.
I know.
And I need to be more careful.
Those candles are a mess.
[SIGHS.]
It's just, we were gonna talk about things - Elsa.
- and then we didn't.
And it seems like you're avoiding it.
No.
I'm not avoiding anything.
Okay.
I have to get to work.
I have to make banana bread, so The hell you doing? You getting pretty for a run? Nothing.
Shut up.
[SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Sam, check it.
They look great on my tuchus and the wrinkle twins can dance free all day.
You should be wearing your Techtropolis shirt.
Gotcha covered, rule book.
Now, Sammy, listen up, all right, this is important, maybe the most important thing I have ever said.
Nursing school is about to begin, and I know myself.
Beneath this chiseled jawline and happy-go-lucky personality - lurks a deep self-destructive streak.
- So? So you cannot let me screw up nursing school.
Oh, okay.
- You promise? - Yes, I promise.
I need you to say the words: I promise not to let you screw up nursing school.
I promise not to let you screw up nursing school.
[SIGHS.]
Awesome.
Okay, that's a load off.
So, what you up to? What you scribble scrabbling? It's too upsetting.
I can't talk about it.
Lay it on me.
I'm a healer.
Not only of bodies, but souls.
Four out of five students on the spectrum don't graduate college within four years.
That means my chances of success are very low and I'm basically doomed.
Ah, yes.
Okay, well, first, let's close the serial killer doodles, yeah? Great.
And now a parable.
There once was a young lad, let's call him the Dragon.
One day, an establishment opened up down the street from the Dragon's home, a weed dispensary.
Obviously, the Dragon was there opening minute to peruse the premises and sample the wares.
Wait, are you the Dragon? Doy.
The shop was bigger than he expected, so many options: bud and drops and edibles as far as his glasses could see.
And he felt in that moment doomed.
He would never be able to sample everything.
There were just not enough hours in the day.
So what did you do? The Dragon got organized.
He planned.
He prepared.
He set aside a four-day weekend to lie prone on his couch and watch the VHS of Fantasia over and over, and you know what he did? He conquered.
Smart Dragon.
That's right.
So get organized, plan, be prepared, you'll be fine.
And if not, I know a place I can take you where you can get high as hell.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
- Hi, Paige.
- Hey, Sam.
I wanted to let you know there's been a slight change in the itinerary for our "Most Romantic Movies of All Time" film festival, aka Smooch-a-palooza.
[LAUGHS.]
We're gonna watch When Harry Met Sally tonight and then Love Actually tomorrow.
[SIGHS.]
It just feels like a Meg Ryan day.
[SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Sorry, Paige.
I can't come over today.
I have something I have to do.
Ah, well, no problem, that's okay.
You know, I actually prefer to watch Meg alone anyway.
I pretend it's just the two of us sitting on my couch talking about boys.
[SIGHS.]
It is so good to be back.
I love my aunt and uncle, and Florida is nice, but after a while, I don't love them that much, and Florida isn't that nice.
[LAUGHS.]
I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.
I know.
Since Slurpee night.
Yeah, Slurpee night.
That was fun.
So fun.
I'm so glad I have a friend like you.
I haven't had a best girlfriend since I was little.
It's nice.
Easy.
Yeah, easy.
Totally easy.
[EVAN.]
What is going on here? Hey, how is this banana bread so delicious? Oh, I used the fancy butter.
There's fancy butter? Hey, you gotta try this banana bread.
It's amazing.
I'm not really hungry.
What are you talking about? You run 100 miles a day.
You're always hungry.
Yeah, well, sometimes even little piggies like me stop stuffing our face.
Everything okay with you two? You and me? No, we're a mess.
We should spend some time apart.
[EXHALES.]
[CASEY SIGHS.]
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm just a jerk today.
I don't feel great.
- So we're okay? - Yeah.
We're good.
We're good.
[SIGHS.]
That's great.
Because Beth and my mom are headed up to Vermont next weekend for the maple syrup festival, so I thought maybe you could come over.
Yeah, maybe.
Um Yeah, I've just gotta see what's going on that day.
[ELSA.]
I'm glad I burned his stupid bed.
He deserved it.
Honestly, not only is this Megan woman now participating in our first-responder trainings, he's also having drinks with her and her group.
I mean, if he wants a group, I have a group.
Our group is fun.
Our group is not fun.
Not really, no.
What am I supposed to do? I can't keep setting things on fire.
I don't know, but it is amazing you're doing that around the headphones.
It's just years of practice.
- I need to infiltrate.
- What? I need to get in there.
You know what these groups are like.
They all just sit around gossiping about their spouses.
I don't think that's true.
Oh, Mitchell took up biking.
I can't even stand to look at him in those shorts.
He looks like a fish with a man's head.
Oh, I'm doing it, the gossip.
I did it, I did the gossip thing, I know.
- Hey.
Dinner's ready.
- Oh, this looks good.
You know, I was thinking the next time you hang out with your peer group maybe I could come.
Okay, well, we're meeting at a bar later this week, but they're kind of Megan's friends.
One of them still calls me Dave.
Well, they're meeting at a bar, so a bar's a public place.
I can go to a bar.
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
Case, where's your brother? Um Oh, he's not in there, so I'm out of ideas.
Feast your eyes.
My official Denton student ID.
You can now call me Denton student 9783210.
- Aww, honey.
- Ha, look at that smile.
College! This is so exciting.
- Yeah, it is.
- Casey, take a picture of us.
Okay, no reason I should be in it - as a member of this family.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[ELSA.]
Beautiful.
[DOUG.]
So you went to campus? Correction, I spent all day on campus.
I walked the routes to my classes.
I picked up a complimentary copy of the freshman survival guide, and I scoped out the best cafs.
That's college for cafeteria.
Oh, I was so confused.
Oh, and I stopped by the bookstore and got a new soft hoodie.
[ELSA GASPS.]
Sam G the bumblebee.
[BUZZES.]
I need to get one of those.
Denton Dad.
Now, all I have to do is register for classes on the 27th when online scheduling starts.
Honey, you know you can qualify for early registration through disability services.
Your appointment's not for a few weeks, but I can call and move it up.
No need.
I'm completely prepared for normal registration.
Roald Amundsen said, "Victory awaits him who has everything in order.
" - So does a smack in the head.
- [ELSA.]
Case! Honey, why aren't you eating? I have a stomachache.
Oh, I see.
What do you see? Why are you saying it like that? [CHUCKLES.]
Nothing, it's just that ever since you were little, whenever you get stressed about something, you get a tummy ache.
First dance recital, tummy ache.
Kindergarten spelling bee, tummy ache.
First ever track meet, you guessed it, folks, tummy ache.
Can someone pass the peas, please? I'm just saying as someone who has known your tummy since it was born, it's a pattern and Can I borrow these? There's a noise that's bothering me.
- No! - Yeah, I just need them for a sec.
- Come on, we share.
- These are mine! Come on.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Carry on.
Ugh! Can't wait to go to college! Does it ever occur to you to just leave your brother alone? Never.
How's your tummy feeling? Right as rain.
[GROANS.]
[ELSA.]
Case.
- You okay? - Um You all right? I mean, what are the odds, appendicitis? Oh, we're just lucky they caught it before it burst.
Told you it wasn't anxiety.
You owe me an apology and $300.
Why $300? Severe emotional damages.
Not happening.
I'm gonna go find a doctor to see when we can get out of here, okay? You know no one really knows what causes appendicitis.
Stop.
So technically, it could very well still be stress.
Stop.
Feeling torn between two people, perhaps? Nurse! - This lady banged a bartender - Mm-mmm.
Hi, Sam.
I need to talk to you, and you didn't answer my last text so thought I would just toodle over.
I've been busy getting ready for college, and my sister had an organ removed, so it's been a lot of chaos in the house to block out.
- An organ? - Appendix.
Oh, okay, well those are useless.
I was born without one, you know? That only happens to one out of a hundred-thousand people.
We Hardaways are just constantly bucking statistics.
[SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Anyway, I've been thinking, and our summer so far has been dreamy.
- Four out of five - Which I really needed.
I wanna put my best foot forward in college.
Four out of five - Four out of five - I really doubted myself - in high school.
- Four out of five Hid my light under a bushel.
Which I know is hard to believe because it shines so bright anyway, but that was me at a six.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
- But no more.
- Four out of five College means I get to be my most authentic self, Paige-ier than ever.
Time to let Paige out of the cage.
And I just cannot have any unfinished business hanging over my head, so [SIGHS.]
I want us to have sex.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of fi Y-You wanna have sex? I wanna have sex.
One thing I learned from Sam Takes a Walk is that it's not always easy to get where you're going.
There are literally dozens of things that can derail an expedition: faulty equipment It was in Zahid's shoe? No.
[SAM.]
Nowhere to make camp [ELSA.]
Sam, honey, we're home.
I'm bored.
[PAIGE SIGHS.]
- [TV PLAYING.]
- [SAM.]
Bears Dad, I thought you were watching the game at the bar.
They're out of wings.
That's a no go.
Commercial break, gotta pee.
This is ridiculous.
No one in history has ever had this much trouble having sex.
I'm leaving for my camp counselor job on Saturday morning.
I mean, it is like the universe is conspiring against us.
I haven't seen your dad since the Olive Garden.
He looks shorter.
Sam, that's it, the Olive Garden.
We have bad romantic karma from when you broke my heart into a million pieces at my favorite pasta haven.
We need to take back the Olive Garden.
Like, go there for dinner? And appetizers.
Friday night, my parents are at their Zumba class on Fridays so we can just come back here after dinner.
[SIGHS.]
It'll be our last chance.
That sounded really dire, like in a horror movie, but it kind of is.
So, based on what you learned and heard today, what would you do differently the next time you encounter someone who may have ASD? Maybe approach the individual a little more calmly.
If I noticed he was having trouble making eye contact, I'd lower the flashlight.
Oh, I'm sorry, was that just meant for the cops? - Sergeant Mom here.
[LAUGHS.]
- [MURMURING.]
All right, so we're all done here.
If you guys have any questions, we'll stick around afterwards.
[ELSA.]
Whoo! So good, I mean really, really great.
I can't believe you put all this together.
We all found it really helpful.
Oh, good.
Well, I didn't do it all by myself.
Have you met Megan? She's an administrator at Oaks County Hospital.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi, I'm Elsa.
- Hi.
- The wife.
- Oh.
Of who? [GRUNTING.]
Thank you.
I've been trying to stand for, like, ten minutes.
Can you come over every morning and do that for me when I wake up? I could.
No one would miss me.
I'm sorry, I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
Okay, I'm going back down.
It's just I have tried so hard to get Doug to forgive me, and after he punched Nick, we were supposed to have this big final talk, but he stood me up, and I can't become a smoker again.
But how am I supposed to get him to just sit down and hash all of this out? Oh, I shouldn't give you any advice.
I'm not really sleeping.
I'm giant and stressed.
This morning, I started crying because I was so proud of my microwave.
Please.
- You need to loosen your grip.
- What? Look, you can force Doug to answer you now, which might end up fine or with the two of you separating.
Or you can let him come to you when he's ready.
The result might be the same, or it might not.
You're gonna be a good mom.
[LAUGHS, MUTTERS.]
[JULIA SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, God.
[GROANS.]
Are you okay, miss? [SIGHS.]
I think I'm having contractions.
Do you have a room where my water can break? - Knock knock.
- Oh, thank God, I'm so bored.
You look pathetic.
I brought Twizzlers.
You brought me your favorite candy? - You're welcome.
Scooch.
- [LAUGHS.]
Your bed is so cozy and warm.
It's all the farting I've been doing.
You're so gross.
You didn't know that? - Evan.
- Hey.
No more appendix? It's all gone.
I miss it.
[EVAN.]
I'm sorry.
Now that banana bread incident is starting to make a lot more sense: Your appendix hated banana bread.
Maybe I should go.
No, stay.
I need my loved ones around me.
We don't know how much time I have left.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got you this.
- A sheep? - Yeah.
It's a little weird, - but there's a story behind it.
- Super weird.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, look at it, it's angry.
- [GROWLS.]
- It's so angry.
[LAUGHING.]
Get it away.
- [IZZIE.]
Movie time? - [CASEY.]
Yep.
Get in.
Here.
- Thank you.
- Okay, guys.
What have we got? [GASPS.]
Hi, Sam! Are you ready to take back the Olive Garden? Oh, I can feel it, the gods of love are pleased with us.
Good news.
Your mom said that she can babysit my succulents while I'm gone.
- Good.
- I know! It's so exciting, isn't it? Oh, our sex-iversary, June 28th.
Probably around 9:45 p.
m.
, I need an hour to digest.
Wait, June 28th? I missed the first day of registration for classes! Wait, no! Where are you going? There's gonna be no good ones left, and then I'm gonna get the hard ones and then I'm gonna fail.
No, no, Sam, sit back down.
Okay, we can still salvage this.
Please, just not here.
Have a breadstick.
They're warm.
This is all your fault.
You distracted me with your sex talk.
I can't wait for you to leave! We were gonna take back the Olive Garden! I'm sorry.
[SIGHS.]
I'm getting ready to go meet those guys.
You ready? Um why don't you go without me? I mean, it's really more your thing.
Really? Yes.
Have fun.
Look you're right that I have been avoiding having our big talk because I don't I don't know what to say.
Okay, but it if we're gonna talk now, I No, no, no.
We can do it on your time line.
Just know I can't wait forever.
And one more thing.
Um I didn't light a candle in there.
I was smoking a cigarette.
A secret cigarette.
And part of it fell on your bed and whoosh.
So I smoke now.
At least I did once.
I I hide them with the clothespins.
Okay.
Okay.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
[RUMBLING, STOMPING.]
What are you doing stomping around like a water buffalo? Thanks to Paige, I missed the first day of registering for classes.
And that's Paige's fault? Yes, yes, because she distracted me with the promise of sex.
Hmm.
So this is the problem with the fact I slap you so often is that it no longer has meaning.
Right now is when you really deserve it.
- I'll do it anyway.
- Hey! She wasn't trying to distract you, dumb-ass.
She loves you, and she wanted you to be her first.
And you acted like a total dude about it and got distracted on your own.
No.
Maybe.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Look I will make fun of Paige and her silly talkity-talk and her hair bows all day long, but that lady gets you, and you're lucky to have her.
Did they let you keep your appendix in a jar? Is that an option? Damn it.
Where's Evan? I don't know.
Hey.
You leaving? Yeah, I thought I'd let you get some sleep.
Well, wait.
You never told me the story about the sheep.
- The sheep that you hate? - I don't hate it.
I don't.
Look, I don't care if you hate the sheep.
He's a weird little guy.
It's just I don't know what's going on with you.
You haven't been yourself lately.
[EXHALES, SOBS.]
I know.
Oh, hey I just feel like like everything is so good in my life right now, and I don't wanna do something to mess it up.
That's so dumb.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Remember when we first met and you heard that rumor that I ate a live sheep? Yeah, I've still never seen conclusive evidence that that's not true.
[LAUGHS.]
Well that angry-faced little dude up there is just to remind you that no matter what even if you ate a live sheep I'm always gonna love you.
Always.
- [SOBS.]
That's so - [LAUGHS.]
Come here.
- [CASEY BLUBBERS.]
- Very emotional today.
Maybe my appendix was where all my tough-guy qualities were held.
- [LAUGHING.]
- And now it's gone.
That does sound like how science works.
- I love you.
- Hmm.
I love you, too.
[SAM.]
The thing about any expedition, even a walk around the block, is that you can never be fully prepared.
Everything okay? Yeah.
He just had to get home.
Hmm.
Um, hey.
I'm gonna sleep over at Evan's next weekend.
You think you could cover for me? Um Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
Oh, hello.
Come to tell me how I've ruined your life again? I definitely don't think that.
Well, all of Olive Garden thinks that you do.
And the fact that I got free dessert does not make it better.
Paige, I'm sorry.
I got stuck thinking about the four out of five, and then I got stuck thinking about sex, and sometimes it's hard for me to think about more than one thing at a time.
I know.
And I'm sorry that I distracted you.
I know you've been worried about college.
Sometimes I just forget that you have challenges that I don't even think of.
It's okay.
Did you get all the classes you wanted? All except one.
I ended up having to take a sociology course called "Ethics.
" Sounds dumb.
Well, I leave tomorrow, and my parents are downstairs, so sex is definitely out until I come home for Thanksgiving.
It'll give us more to be thankful for.
Okay.
And, Sam I know you're gonna be the one out of five.
'Cause you're my one in a million.
That doesn't really make sense.
P-A-R-A-D with me There is nothing left to ruin Yeah, we finally got free How's that for manifesting Our destiny? P-A-R-A-D with me
When I was younger, my mom created a board game.
It was called Sam Takes a Walk.
I know, good title.
- Hurry! - Sam! [COUGHS.]
You just dropped a huge bomb on me.
Before we go to that lock-in, I need to process in silence.
Okay, but It was about a little boy with brown hair named Sam who walked through his neighborhood and encountered different obstacles - Now can we - Nope.
[SAM.]
a dog barking, a mailman delivering a package, an unexpected visitor.
Do you wanna come in and talk? So do you remember the parents from the peer group? I thought you knew.
You were on the e-mail chain.
I wouldn't have said all that if I knew people were here.
I'm sorry.
- I understand if you wanna go.
- No.
Can I at least have a beer? Of course.
[SAM.]
And your task was to handle each obstacle appropriately, saying the right thing.
Is it that hard to text? "I'm sorry, I can't make it.
I'm running late.
" It's called manners.
[SAM.]
Instead of acting out using replacement behaviors.
The thing is the obstacles weren't really obstacles.
They were usually just other people living in the world.
Which can sometimes feel very problematic.
Is everything okay? It's Elsa.
"Hi, honey bear.
" Bear emoji.
"Can you please pick up a fire extinguisher on the way home?" - [POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [MAN VOCALIZING.]
[WOMAN.]
Hello, Mr.
Graham.
Bad boy run wild I'm on a mission now Won't stop No destination, but it's worth a shot You gotta let it go You gotta let it go Run wild, I'm on a mission now Won't stop No destination, but it's worth a shot Ah! You gotta let it go You gotta let it go [LAUGHING.]
- Yeah, so we should probably - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Let's go, honey bear.
- Awesome.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
I know they lock you in, but do they lock you out? - Sam! - Sorry.
Okay, Sam I have my answer.
To what? Sam Gardner, your timing is terrible telling me that you love me right before we both go off to college.
Where we're gonna be separated not only by hundreds of miles, but also by the cultural differences dictated by our specific institutions.
- What? - And my summer is so packed: my internship, babysitting.
I leave for my camp job in six weeks.
I gotta find someone to take care of my plants while I'm away.
My mom certainly can't handle them all.
Okay.
But even with all that, I accept.
- Accept what? - We can get back together.
But, Sam, I want a summer of love.
Okay, every day packed with adventure and romance, every moment dreamy and perfect.
Okay.
- Can we go inside now? - Sure.
Let the romance commence.
[LOCK RATTLES.]
We're locked out.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BRIGGS.]
All right, huddle up, let's do this.
Now, we've never met, but you all seem a lot nicer than the girls track team.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
You're not Miss Whitaker.
No.
No, I am not.
Thanks for noticing.
I'm Coach Briggs.
Miss Whitaker is on her honeymoon, but unfortunately, there was a hurricane.
She's dead? No! No, not at all.
Just a flight delay.
Sorry.
Maybe I should have led with that.
But I got 16 credits toward my social work degree, so I figured I'm the next best thing.
So if there's anything you wanna know How tall are you? Do you wanna hear me sing? [SINGS HIGH NOTE.]
If you're gonna blow that whistle, can you warn us first? Nice teeth.
Strips? Okay, why don't we stick to me asking the questions? Miss Whitaker left me a list.
How's everybody's summer? Excellent.
Paige wanted a summer of love, and I'm very good at it.
So far, we've had three picnics, two moonlit walks and one blow job Whoa, whoa, whoa! Next question.
How's everybody feeling about life beyond high school? Good.
I've already got the layout of the Denton dentistry department memorized.
You're going to Denton? That's my alma mater.
Anybody else here? Nice! Teammates.
You could all hang out.
We're all in different departments.
I'll never see them.
Agreed.
This is where it ends.
Okay, well, I'm sure you'll do great wherever you go.
Probably not.
I read that four out of five students with autism don't graduate college.
- And there's six of us.
- Four out of five? - That's a lot.
- Yep.
[SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
[BRIGGS.]
Hold on.
I tell this to the girls [SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
- Four out of five - [NOELLE.]
How big are you feet? [SAM.]
While any expedition can be physically grueling - [BRIGGS.]
Size 40.
- the most challenging aspects are mental, dealing with the fear, the isolation, the doubt.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm gonna get to this this weekend.
We either need to get a power sander or just an area rug.
Or we can keep it as a reminder that if you're not gonna show up somewhere, you should call.
Ha ha.
Seriously? - I told you I was sorry, Elsa.
- I know.
I know.
And I need to be more careful.
Those candles are a mess.
[SIGHS.]
It's just, we were gonna talk about things - Elsa.
- and then we didn't.
And it seems like you're avoiding it.
No.
I'm not avoiding anything.
Okay.
I have to get to work.
I have to make banana bread, so The hell you doing? You getting pretty for a run? Nothing.
Shut up.
[SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Sam, check it.
They look great on my tuchus and the wrinkle twins can dance free all day.
You should be wearing your Techtropolis shirt.
Gotcha covered, rule book.
Now, Sammy, listen up, all right, this is important, maybe the most important thing I have ever said.
Nursing school is about to begin, and I know myself.
Beneath this chiseled jawline and happy-go-lucky personality - lurks a deep self-destructive streak.
- So? So you cannot let me screw up nursing school.
Oh, okay.
- You promise? - Yes, I promise.
I need you to say the words: I promise not to let you screw up nursing school.
I promise not to let you screw up nursing school.
[SIGHS.]
Awesome.
Okay, that's a load off.
So, what you up to? What you scribble scrabbling? It's too upsetting.
I can't talk about it.
Lay it on me.
I'm a healer.
Not only of bodies, but souls.
Four out of five students on the spectrum don't graduate college within four years.
That means my chances of success are very low and I'm basically doomed.
Ah, yes.
Okay, well, first, let's close the serial killer doodles, yeah? Great.
And now a parable.
There once was a young lad, let's call him the Dragon.
One day, an establishment opened up down the street from the Dragon's home, a weed dispensary.
Obviously, the Dragon was there opening minute to peruse the premises and sample the wares.
Wait, are you the Dragon? Doy.
The shop was bigger than he expected, so many options: bud and drops and edibles as far as his glasses could see.
And he felt in that moment doomed.
He would never be able to sample everything.
There were just not enough hours in the day.
So what did you do? The Dragon got organized.
He planned.
He prepared.
He set aside a four-day weekend to lie prone on his couch and watch the VHS of Fantasia over and over, and you know what he did? He conquered.
Smart Dragon.
That's right.
So get organized, plan, be prepared, you'll be fine.
And if not, I know a place I can take you where you can get high as hell.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
- Hi, Paige.
- Hey, Sam.
I wanted to let you know there's been a slight change in the itinerary for our "Most Romantic Movies of All Time" film festival, aka Smooch-a-palooza.
[LAUGHS.]
We're gonna watch When Harry Met Sally tonight and then Love Actually tomorrow.
[SIGHS.]
It just feels like a Meg Ryan day.
[SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Sorry, Paige.
I can't come over today.
I have something I have to do.
Ah, well, no problem, that's okay.
You know, I actually prefer to watch Meg alone anyway.
I pretend it's just the two of us sitting on my couch talking about boys.
[SIGHS.]
It is so good to be back.
I love my aunt and uncle, and Florida is nice, but after a while, I don't love them that much, and Florida isn't that nice.
[LAUGHS.]
I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.
I know.
Since Slurpee night.
Yeah, Slurpee night.
That was fun.
So fun.
I'm so glad I have a friend like you.
I haven't had a best girlfriend since I was little.
It's nice.
Easy.
Yeah, easy.
Totally easy.
[EVAN.]
What is going on here? Hey, how is this banana bread so delicious? Oh, I used the fancy butter.
There's fancy butter? Hey, you gotta try this banana bread.
It's amazing.
I'm not really hungry.
What are you talking about? You run 100 miles a day.
You're always hungry.
Yeah, well, sometimes even little piggies like me stop stuffing our face.
Everything okay with you two? You and me? No, we're a mess.
We should spend some time apart.
[EXHALES.]
[CASEY SIGHS.]
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm just a jerk today.
I don't feel great.
- So we're okay? - Yeah.
We're good.
We're good.
[SIGHS.]
That's great.
Because Beth and my mom are headed up to Vermont next weekend for the maple syrup festival, so I thought maybe you could come over.
Yeah, maybe.
Um Yeah, I've just gotta see what's going on that day.
[ELSA.]
I'm glad I burned his stupid bed.
He deserved it.
Honestly, not only is this Megan woman now participating in our first-responder trainings, he's also having drinks with her and her group.
I mean, if he wants a group, I have a group.
Our group is fun.
Our group is not fun.
Not really, no.
What am I supposed to do? I can't keep setting things on fire.
I don't know, but it is amazing you're doing that around the headphones.
It's just years of practice.
- I need to infiltrate.
- What? I need to get in there.
You know what these groups are like.
They all just sit around gossiping about their spouses.
I don't think that's true.
Oh, Mitchell took up biking.
I can't even stand to look at him in those shorts.
He looks like a fish with a man's head.
Oh, I'm doing it, the gossip.
I did it, I did the gossip thing, I know.
- Hey.
Dinner's ready.
- Oh, this looks good.
You know, I was thinking the next time you hang out with your peer group maybe I could come.
Okay, well, we're meeting at a bar later this week, but they're kind of Megan's friends.
One of them still calls me Dave.
Well, they're meeting at a bar, so a bar's a public place.
I can go to a bar.
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
Case, where's your brother? Um Oh, he's not in there, so I'm out of ideas.
Feast your eyes.
My official Denton student ID.
You can now call me Denton student 9783210.
- Aww, honey.
- Ha, look at that smile.
College! This is so exciting.
- Yeah, it is.
- Casey, take a picture of us.
Okay, no reason I should be in it - as a member of this family.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[ELSA.]
Beautiful.
[DOUG.]
So you went to campus? Correction, I spent all day on campus.
I walked the routes to my classes.
I picked up a complimentary copy of the freshman survival guide, and I scoped out the best cafs.
That's college for cafeteria.
Oh, I was so confused.
Oh, and I stopped by the bookstore and got a new soft hoodie.
[ELSA GASPS.]
Sam G the bumblebee.
[BUZZES.]
I need to get one of those.
Denton Dad.
Now, all I have to do is register for classes on the 27th when online scheduling starts.
Honey, you know you can qualify for early registration through disability services.
Your appointment's not for a few weeks, but I can call and move it up.
No need.
I'm completely prepared for normal registration.
Roald Amundsen said, "Victory awaits him who has everything in order.
" - So does a smack in the head.
- [ELSA.]
Case! Honey, why aren't you eating? I have a stomachache.
Oh, I see.
What do you see? Why are you saying it like that? [CHUCKLES.]
Nothing, it's just that ever since you were little, whenever you get stressed about something, you get a tummy ache.
First dance recital, tummy ache.
Kindergarten spelling bee, tummy ache.
First ever track meet, you guessed it, folks, tummy ache.
Can someone pass the peas, please? I'm just saying as someone who has known your tummy since it was born, it's a pattern and Can I borrow these? There's a noise that's bothering me.
- No! - Yeah, I just need them for a sec.
- Come on, we share.
- These are mine! Come on.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Carry on.
Ugh! Can't wait to go to college! Does it ever occur to you to just leave your brother alone? Never.
How's your tummy feeling? Right as rain.
[GROANS.]
[ELSA.]
Case.
- You okay? - Um You all right? I mean, what are the odds, appendicitis? Oh, we're just lucky they caught it before it burst.
Told you it wasn't anxiety.
You owe me an apology and $300.
Why $300? Severe emotional damages.
Not happening.
I'm gonna go find a doctor to see when we can get out of here, okay? You know no one really knows what causes appendicitis.
Stop.
So technically, it could very well still be stress.
Stop.
Feeling torn between two people, perhaps? Nurse! - This lady banged a bartender - Mm-mmm.
Hi, Sam.
I need to talk to you, and you didn't answer my last text so thought I would just toodle over.
I've been busy getting ready for college, and my sister had an organ removed, so it's been a lot of chaos in the house to block out.
- An organ? - Appendix.
Oh, okay, well those are useless.
I was born without one, you know? That only happens to one out of a hundred-thousand people.
We Hardaways are just constantly bucking statistics.
[SAM.]
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Anyway, I've been thinking, and our summer so far has been dreamy.
- Four out of five - Which I really needed.
I wanna put my best foot forward in college.
Four out of five - Four out of five - I really doubted myself - in high school.
- Four out of five Hid my light under a bushel.
Which I know is hard to believe because it shines so bright anyway, but that was me at a six.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
- But no more.
- Four out of five College means I get to be my most authentic self, Paige-ier than ever.
Time to let Paige out of the cage.
And I just cannot have any unfinished business hanging over my head, so [SIGHS.]
I want us to have sex.
Four out of five.
Four out of five.
Four out of fi Y-You wanna have sex? I wanna have sex.
One thing I learned from Sam Takes a Walk is that it's not always easy to get where you're going.
There are literally dozens of things that can derail an expedition: faulty equipment It was in Zahid's shoe? No.
[SAM.]
Nowhere to make camp [ELSA.]
Sam, honey, we're home.
I'm bored.
[PAIGE SIGHS.]
- [TV PLAYING.]
- [SAM.]
Bears Dad, I thought you were watching the game at the bar.
They're out of wings.
That's a no go.
Commercial break, gotta pee.
This is ridiculous.
No one in history has ever had this much trouble having sex.
I'm leaving for my camp counselor job on Saturday morning.
I mean, it is like the universe is conspiring against us.
I haven't seen your dad since the Olive Garden.
He looks shorter.
Sam, that's it, the Olive Garden.
We have bad romantic karma from when you broke my heart into a million pieces at my favorite pasta haven.
We need to take back the Olive Garden.
Like, go there for dinner? And appetizers.
Friday night, my parents are at their Zumba class on Fridays so we can just come back here after dinner.
[SIGHS.]
It'll be our last chance.
That sounded really dire, like in a horror movie, but it kind of is.
So, based on what you learned and heard today, what would you do differently the next time you encounter someone who may have ASD? Maybe approach the individual a little more calmly.
If I noticed he was having trouble making eye contact, I'd lower the flashlight.
Oh, I'm sorry, was that just meant for the cops? - Sergeant Mom here.
[LAUGHS.]
- [MURMURING.]
All right, so we're all done here.
If you guys have any questions, we'll stick around afterwards.
[ELSA.]
Whoo! So good, I mean really, really great.
I can't believe you put all this together.
We all found it really helpful.
Oh, good.
Well, I didn't do it all by myself.
Have you met Megan? She's an administrator at Oaks County Hospital.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi, I'm Elsa.
- Hi.
- The wife.
- Oh.
Of who? [GRUNTING.]
Thank you.
I've been trying to stand for, like, ten minutes.
Can you come over every morning and do that for me when I wake up? I could.
No one would miss me.
I'm sorry, I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
Okay, I'm going back down.
It's just I have tried so hard to get Doug to forgive me, and after he punched Nick, we were supposed to have this big final talk, but he stood me up, and I can't become a smoker again.
But how am I supposed to get him to just sit down and hash all of this out? Oh, I shouldn't give you any advice.
I'm not really sleeping.
I'm giant and stressed.
This morning, I started crying because I was so proud of my microwave.
Please.
- You need to loosen your grip.
- What? Look, you can force Doug to answer you now, which might end up fine or with the two of you separating.
Or you can let him come to you when he's ready.
The result might be the same, or it might not.
You're gonna be a good mom.
[LAUGHS, MUTTERS.]
[JULIA SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, God.
[GROANS.]
Are you okay, miss? [SIGHS.]
I think I'm having contractions.
Do you have a room where my water can break? - Knock knock.
- Oh, thank God, I'm so bored.
You look pathetic.
I brought Twizzlers.
You brought me your favorite candy? - You're welcome.
Scooch.
- [LAUGHS.]
Your bed is so cozy and warm.
It's all the farting I've been doing.
You're so gross.
You didn't know that? - Evan.
- Hey.
No more appendix? It's all gone.
I miss it.
[EVAN.]
I'm sorry.
Now that banana bread incident is starting to make a lot more sense: Your appendix hated banana bread.
Maybe I should go.
No, stay.
I need my loved ones around me.
We don't know how much time I have left.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got you this.
- A sheep? - Yeah.
It's a little weird, - but there's a story behind it.
- Super weird.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, look at it, it's angry.
- [GROWLS.]
- It's so angry.
[LAUGHING.]
Get it away.
- [IZZIE.]
Movie time? - [CASEY.]
Yep.
Get in.
Here.
- Thank you.
- Okay, guys.
What have we got? [GASPS.]
Hi, Sam! Are you ready to take back the Olive Garden? Oh, I can feel it, the gods of love are pleased with us.
Good news.
Your mom said that she can babysit my succulents while I'm gone.
- Good.
- I know! It's so exciting, isn't it? Oh, our sex-iversary, June 28th.
Probably around 9:45 p.
m.
, I need an hour to digest.
Wait, June 28th? I missed the first day of registration for classes! Wait, no! Where are you going? There's gonna be no good ones left, and then I'm gonna get the hard ones and then I'm gonna fail.
No, no, Sam, sit back down.
Okay, we can still salvage this.
Please, just not here.
Have a breadstick.
They're warm.
This is all your fault.
You distracted me with your sex talk.
I can't wait for you to leave! We were gonna take back the Olive Garden! I'm sorry.
[SIGHS.]
I'm getting ready to go meet those guys.
You ready? Um why don't you go without me? I mean, it's really more your thing.
Really? Yes.
Have fun.
Look you're right that I have been avoiding having our big talk because I don't I don't know what to say.
Okay, but it if we're gonna talk now, I No, no, no.
We can do it on your time line.
Just know I can't wait forever.
And one more thing.
Um I didn't light a candle in there.
I was smoking a cigarette.
A secret cigarette.
And part of it fell on your bed and whoosh.
So I smoke now.
At least I did once.
I I hide them with the clothespins.
Okay.
Okay.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
[RUMBLING, STOMPING.]
What are you doing stomping around like a water buffalo? Thanks to Paige, I missed the first day of registering for classes.
And that's Paige's fault? Yes, yes, because she distracted me with the promise of sex.
Hmm.
So this is the problem with the fact I slap you so often is that it no longer has meaning.
Right now is when you really deserve it.
- I'll do it anyway.
- Hey! She wasn't trying to distract you, dumb-ass.
She loves you, and she wanted you to be her first.
And you acted like a total dude about it and got distracted on your own.
No.
Maybe.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Look I will make fun of Paige and her silly talkity-talk and her hair bows all day long, but that lady gets you, and you're lucky to have her.
Did they let you keep your appendix in a jar? Is that an option? Damn it.
Where's Evan? I don't know.
Hey.
You leaving? Yeah, I thought I'd let you get some sleep.
Well, wait.
You never told me the story about the sheep.
- The sheep that you hate? - I don't hate it.
I don't.
Look, I don't care if you hate the sheep.
He's a weird little guy.
It's just I don't know what's going on with you.
You haven't been yourself lately.
[EXHALES, SOBS.]
I know.
Oh, hey I just feel like like everything is so good in my life right now, and I don't wanna do something to mess it up.
That's so dumb.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Remember when we first met and you heard that rumor that I ate a live sheep? Yeah, I've still never seen conclusive evidence that that's not true.
[LAUGHS.]
Well that angry-faced little dude up there is just to remind you that no matter what even if you ate a live sheep I'm always gonna love you.
Always.
- [SOBS.]
That's so - [LAUGHS.]
Come here.
- [CASEY BLUBBERS.]
- Very emotional today.
Maybe my appendix was where all my tough-guy qualities were held.
- [LAUGHING.]
- And now it's gone.
That does sound like how science works.
- I love you.
- Hmm.
I love you, too.
[SAM.]
The thing about any expedition, even a walk around the block, is that you can never be fully prepared.
Everything okay? Yeah.
He just had to get home.
Hmm.
Um, hey.
I'm gonna sleep over at Evan's next weekend.
You think you could cover for me? Um Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
Oh, hello.
Come to tell me how I've ruined your life again? I definitely don't think that.
Well, all of Olive Garden thinks that you do.
And the fact that I got free dessert does not make it better.
Paige, I'm sorry.
I got stuck thinking about the four out of five, and then I got stuck thinking about sex, and sometimes it's hard for me to think about more than one thing at a time.
I know.
And I'm sorry that I distracted you.
I know you've been worried about college.
Sometimes I just forget that you have challenges that I don't even think of.
It's okay.
Did you get all the classes you wanted? All except one.
I ended up having to take a sociology course called "Ethics.
" Sounds dumb.
Well, I leave tomorrow, and my parents are downstairs, so sex is definitely out until I come home for Thanksgiving.
It'll give us more to be thankful for.
Okay.
And, Sam I know you're gonna be the one out of five.
'Cause you're my one in a million.
That doesn't really make sense.
P-A-R-A-D with me There is nothing left to ruin Yeah, we finally got free How's that for manifesting Our destiny? P-A-R-A-D with me