Avenue 5 (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

Wait a Minute, Then Who Was That on the Ladder?

1 (RYAN HUMS) Owner on the bridge.
Everybody, carry on as normal.
Why wouldn't you? What's going on in here? Smells tense.
(DANISH ACCENT) Tense is my middle name.
Tense is my middle name! Oh, bugger.
I'm still here.
SPIKE MARTIN: Captain, I'm gonna get a gander on some of this stuff, because I think that (AMERICAN ACCENT) Oh, no! Sorry, can't Can't let you see that, because then I'd have to sleep with you to find out what you saw, - and then kill you.
(LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) We've all been there! Oh.
I'm your captain, Ryan Clark.
How are you doing? No, how are you doing? You tell me.
No, you tell me.
You tell me, arsehole! (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Let's look at what's trending this hour.
Avenue 5 is stuck in space.
I don't think I'm alone in thinking, "Thank fuck I'm not on that ship!" The passengers are angry, as I would be if I had their crappy lives.
Good morning.
MAN: Shove your attitude.
Anyone giving negative comments should be blacklisted from all future voyages.
How would they like that? I imagine they might like that a lot.
Well, this feels real.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Morning, ma'am! A new dawn has broken.
So has our toilet.
We're not animals, you know.
I will I will talk to Matt about that.
pissing in the basement for the next three years.
Good morning, captain.
Oh, you look haunted.
How are you adjusting to all of this? Well, you know, just a little bit curious as to why you never told me that the whole crew are a bunch of fakes who have been shat out of Julliard.
Well, I didn't think you would react well.
Here you are, hissing at me in a hallway.
This is radiation.
And that moon-botherer is real.
You couldn't make that up.
Now, ships are constantly being bombarded by cosmic rays.
It's deadly! So, how do we fight it off? Ooh, I know, I know! Poop! - Uh - (CHILDREN LAUGHING) Smart kid! Zeke is right.
A shield of human waste protects us from radiation.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) That's why they call it the poop deck! - (LAUGHTER) - No.
It's from the French for "stern.
" (LAUGHS) I'd close your mouth, because it's not a joke.
Every ship has a turd cloak.
You don't know about the wetsuit? (LAUGHS) Look at you, listening in on us! - (RYAN CHUCKLES) - Well, no, he knows everything.
He's the captain.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) They call me Mr.
That's one of the things we call him.
(LAUGHS) Oh, look! Who is missing a genius? - Over here! - Okay.
Maybe I should learn about this stuff.
- Space and so on.
- (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Uh I'll, um I'll explain it to you.
So, all this technology, and still, human feces is the best way to not get cancer in space, which reminds me, vent the wetsuit.
what I have written on my hand? - What? - "Unclench me.
" WOMAN: Hey, asshole, I want my life back.
- IRIS KIMURA: Thank you.
- HERMAN JUDD: Oh, man.
I don't wanna go the same way as Richard Branson! Fed to his own pigs on his private island.
It's still early.
The passengers get easier to wrangle after the first drink.
The financial stuff, tell me honestly, Iris - Yes, I do.
- I didn't even ask the question! "Do you think we're fucked, financially?" Answer: yes, I do.
I don't like being unhappy, Iris.
I just don't like it.
IRIS: You get used to it.
Do you verbally consent to a hug? Ugh.
Here's an idea to get people to like you.
Cocktail party.
All the passengers, meet them in batches.
Maybe someone will hug me there.
All right, so, journey time (MUTTERING) Okay, so you can meet 19 people a week.
Odd number.
Don't people come in couples? No.
Widows, widowers, priests, ugly people.
- You're not a couple.
- Neither was Zeus.
- And I'm basically Zeus.
- He married his sister.
(SHUDDERS) My sister would make a selfish bride.
IRIS: Okay, so the batch parties are a go.
Where we at in terms of the vigil? Did you fill it, like I asked, but didn't ask? I don't know what you're talking about.
Remember I told you that I wanted Oh, you're doing a whole deniability thing.
You only need to do that in front of other people.
People, not half-people.
There's no air resistance, so we're just sailing on, right? But what's the, um What's the Rafer valve? I've already told you this one.
I thought you were Mr.
Come on, Zeke, please! I said I would give you pens.
And that is how I saved the entire ship! SPIKE: This is a bright kid.
He's probably hoping he'll grow up one day - and be like old Spikey, huh? - Not really.
That's a little harsh.
Oh! Oh.
Hey, um Hey, where's your Where's your mom and her fellow moms? - Oh, uh, she's over there.
- Oh.
Thank you.
No, she's not.
She's over there.
That's That's pretty smooth.
PROTESTOR: I worry about the victims.
But one of the biggest victims is Mr.
Judd and the Judd Corporation.
I blame NASA's refusal to honor code 346 of the International Space Treaties.
Is he just saying that off the top of his head? Why do you find it so odd? Who knows what stage of grief he's at.
There's no stage of grief known as "fluency in international space law"! The question of liability is up for debate.
What is your problem? He looks the part.
It's perfect casting.
Casting? What the Oh.
They're actors.
The He's an actor! Well, if it took you this long to work it out, what is the problem? - ALAN: That's a good point.
- RAV MULCAIR: Shut up, Alan.
It'll look terrible if it gets out that we're paying actors to get public support! Send them home! Won't that look terrible? If the vigil suddenly disperses? - Yeah, good point.
- RAV: Shut up, both of you.
Actually, that is a good point.
- Uh, I'm not - Shut up, Alan.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Mads, let's see what you've learnt.
What is your engineering clearance level? High.
No, it's a number between one and 100.
Uh 100? Guys, come on, this is not community theater! You've gotta know this stuff like you know your own names.
Do you mean our names, or our character names? tell me Mads isn't your real name.
No, no.
I'm Colin.
Oh, for f No offense, but that is a placeholder name if ever I heard one.
(CLEARS THROAT) BILLIE MCEVOY: Yes, what's your name? Uh, Sarah.
- Sarah.
- Is that your real name? Oh, it's also Sarah.
That's why I got the part, I think.
- Right.
So, who are you right now? - Now? - Yeah.
- Sarah.
No, uh, but are you actual Sarah, or are you in character? - Yes.
- Which? What was the question, sorry? Oh, Judith of Norwich.
This is why they should slash art funding to the bones.
(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry, quick motivation question.
- Yes, Sarah.
- How is Sarah responding, now that she knows that the captain's fake? No, he's not! I am not fake! I am I am solid, I am dependable, I am un-fucking-flappable! - Right.
- RYAN: I know that I'm not coming out that way right now, but that's what you what you all have to remember.
After all, if I was fake, I would not know what a Roofie valve is.
Uh, a Rafer valve.
Well, I got the word "valve" right.
Yes, you did.
Can we just stick to the script? All right? Or is that not something they taught you at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Sarahs? Okay, so, my character doesn't know that you're fake.
Okay, I've got that.
That is actually quite a good note.
You're gonna make a note of the note? - Yeah.
"Doesn't know" - (RYAN SIGHS) This is just hopeless.
I don't even believe they're actors.
You've got to take me to the real crew, real fast.
(DANISH ACCENT) Okay, fly safe, cap.
Oh, fuck off, Colin! - I had drinks with Rav.
- Who is my best friend.
'Cause I needed someone to talk to after my wife made a cuck-hold of me.
Okay, "cuck-hold"? There is no "h" in "cuckold.
" You idiot.
Right? Now you're getting another man to spell "cuckold" for me.
- Mm-hmm.
- DOUG: We had drinks.
We were talking and I got emotional.
And I accidentally kissed her neck.
How do you accidentally kiss somebody's neck? But I didn't have full sex.
Oh, well, when have you ever done that, Doug? - Can I just get my own cabin? - Yes! Please! If I have to watch him carefully dry his balls one more time, I'm gonna kill myself.
I have a male yeast infection.
It's a real i - (SIGHS) - Would you rather I carelessly dry my balls? Okay, this is all very informative.
Are you taking notes? - What? - How long has that been up there? Now, the word cloud is in your room on all the screens.
- What? Can we get rid of it? - No.
You can add words to it, but you can't remove any.
When you get back there, you're gonna see words like - "Neck.
" "Male bitch.
" - Mm-hmm.
"The beast of yeast.
" You're gonna see words like "Emotional ragdoll.
" "Chunky millstone.
" "Fucker.
" "Worm-dicked little fucker.
" Who put that word on there? We didn't say that word.
- I'd said it.
- When? Before you got here.
"Stank-ass balls.
" Yeah, I said you can shove your stank-ass balls in your mouth and choke on them and die.
How much work did you guys do before I got here? She got here 45 minutes early.
I think we did really good work today.
- Yeah.
- MATT SPENCER: So, you're at peace? I'm gonna go fix some other passengers now.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ENGINEER 1: Bleed wetsuit in five minutes.
ENGINEER 2: And venting ion drive in two.
BILLIE: Heads up, guys! Faux Capitano in the house! Sorry it took me so long to realize that you existed.
No problem.
So, popcorn and dirty jokes.
Who's in? - (LAUGHTER) - So, she said, "Wait a minute, well, then, who was that on the ladder?" - (LAUGHTER) - (BILLIE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) I want that as a ringtone.
I definitely do! Wow.
Seriously, though, on a scale of one to "we're all going to die," how fucked did you think we were when we found out that I'm just a beard in a Sergeant Pepper uniform? Uh, actually, we've been taking bets on how long you'd last.
Uh, yeah.
You owe me 50 bucks.
(LAUGHTER) I'm I'm laughing because I'm terrified! (LAUGHTER) Do you love to drink? I know my dad did.
Why don't you come down and enjoy a nice, cold glass Hey, Clara.
That's a beautiful top.
Catastrophe-chic! - Hey, Spike.
- Hey, pal.
Have you ever masturbated to a constellation? Yes.
Twins! Hey! What are you guys talking about? - Star clusters.
- What about you, Frank? Three years, time to find the new you? Yeah, that's funny, my dad had a funny expression.
He used to say, "Frank, moderation in all things, including moderation.
" Um, that's moderately funny.
Okay, Frank, what's the craziest thing you've ever done? Taking out a bridge loan.
What's the craziest thing you've ever wanted to do? I've always wanted to wear a necklace.
Not a jewelry kind, but a leather one.
- Uh-huh.
- Maybe with a shell.
All right.
Why stop with a shell? Maybe you could wear, I don't know, a dolphin dick.
Yeah, oh, yeah, a dolphin dick.
Hard to come by, though.
- Or you could grow a ponytail.
- (SIGHS) - Like Spike.
- No, he couldn't.
Few can.
I have peculiarly muscular follicles.
You can be any Frank you want.
- SPIKE: Go for it, Frank.
- Right? Great.
- You could be punk rock Frank.
- (LAUGHS) Huh? You could be Christian Scientist Frank.
- Occasionally gay Frank.
- Maybe.
- Slightly racist Frank! - Frank the fiend.
You could be whatever the fuck you want.
Okay? - Yes.
- You want another Judd martini? What was that? Do you want another Judd martini? - Yes.
Yes, yes.
- Yes, you do! Yes.
- Hell Hell yes! - Yes, you do! Olivia, can we get another martini for the man? - No olive this time, please.
- Make it dirty.
N Strictly 19 people, Mrs.
I have you down as widowed.
Yes, but James is my new friend, and I thought Wow, I guess grief wants what it wants, right? All right, uh, couples, stand together, please, and I will approach you as a double unit, okay? Iris Iris! Can you please take care of the widow? She's very clingy.
Herman Judd, mogul.
You know that already, though, don't you? - (LAUGHS) - You guys look great together.
You make a very successful merger.
That's CEO talk.
That's CEO talk.
Hug? - Oh.
- (CHUCKLES) (WHISPERING) One, two, three.
I got it.
I did the math in my head.
Three-second rule, am I right? Didn't that feel nice? And nobody crossed any lines.
Look at all these smiles! I I There's a laundry cart blockade on What's that? Good, good.
Why don't you guys make your way over by the skulls over there, all four Beatles.
Herman Judd, entreprenaut.
So, do we have to keep paying now that we're stranded out here, or You know what, why don't I give you guys a private tour of my own quarters? We're gonna shake things up.
What we have to do is we have to transform those faulty sex bots upstairs from risible into plausible.
They have to be absolutely convincing, especially Sarah-slash-Sarah, who is driving me slash-wrists insane.
- That's funny.
What if we connect a real comms link to their prop headsets? That is brilliant! You see, that is exactly the sort of idea I should've had if I weren't a complete fraud.
(LAUGHTER) We could tell them exactly what to say.
So, you wouldn't have Nadia sitting there like, (FRENCH ACCENT) "I'm Nadia, and I'm nominal.
" (GIGGLES) "And the systems are nominal.
" (GIGGLES) (DANISH ACCENT) Oh, hey, my name is Mads, and I am from - Spain or somewhere.
- (LAUGHTER) Uh, hi, my name is Ryan, and I'm a captain and an alcoholic.
(LAUGHTER AND GASPING) Uh, that's that's that's actually not true.
I'm not a captain.
One of my prized possessions.
First edition of Billy McFarland's book.
This was way before he became head of the FBI.
Here are the skulls of all four Beatles.
All signed.
Not by them, obviously.
That would be impossible.
I signed them.
This is how it all began.
This is when I had my big idea.
This is not the original.
I threw that one out.
So, I'd better go and have another drink now.
One of Judd's "my parents never loved me" parties.
(LAUGHTER) - Fly safe! - Fly drunk! (CHUCKLING) How do you do it? I thought they'd hate you.
If it's any consolation, I hate me.
So, what does your husband do? He's dead.
He died in a fire three months ago.
Oh, right, right.
The widow.
Uh, we we've mingled already.
No weather in space.
Right? Makes it hard to talk about the weather, which I'm kind of illustrating.
I'm sorry, I don't understand the nature of what you are.
Yeah, my nature is currently evolving.
Look at this.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Anybody order a captain? - Judd champagne? - Thank you.
Have you seen Mr.
Judd's skulls of the four Beatles? John Lennon was cremated, wasn't he? All right, keep that to yourself.
I think one of the skulls is actually Micky Dolenz.
Oh, that is just pure arse juice.
I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
Herman Judd.
Oh! Karen Kelly.
Ah! Great.
Your, uh, nails are very long and very sharp.
Thank you! I've been practicing my handshake since grade school.
- Did she break the skin? - No.
Okay, good.
I like you.
You know how to handle people.
Basically a cattle prod in a dress.
- Enjoying your wine, captain? - JUDD: Mm! Now, Karen, putting your passenger hat on for a second, what more can Iris be doing? Well, there's quite a divide between staff and passengers.
Is that really Gone Girl on an original Kindle? Sorry, not now.
We're talking.
This is a restricted conversational area.
Thank you.
So, I would suggest, I don't know, maybe a photo? Everyone together, you know, laughing, hitting it off.
- Maybe on the bridge! - (IRIS LAUGHS) - That's a shitty idea.
- I love this idea.
- As in, that idea is the shit! - So, we're all agreed that that Karen's idea is very much the shit.
Claw lady's on to something.
We show the people of Earth a moment of unity.
We have another slingshot moment coming up in less than an hour, around Enceladus.
This is perfect.
We get a bunch of passengers on the bridge, get some Mr.
Average to push that fake button we have for the kids.
you put that idea into his head? If you could have put anything in there, why not general anesthetic? What is your problem, you big whinebag? Well, things on the bridge Ah, it's a little fluid right now.
Yeah, tell me about it.
You're at 85 percent fluid.
Look, you're always saying the crew are so professional.
Yeah, I say a lot of things that are shit.
- Don't you notice that? - Yeah.
Enceladus is it's I don't like it, as a moon.
All right, you middle-aged fuck buddies, here's the deal.
Iris just sent word for it to be announced ship-wide.
(SIGHS) Arse! Now, where are we at with the button-pusher? Mr.
Hey, sweetie.
I have your purse.
Oh, hi, honey.
Thank you.
Captain, Mr.
Can I join the party? (LAUGHS) - (KAREN CHUCKLES) - JUDD: He'll do.
I feel like I'm the prom queen or something.
Drunk on cheap wine, I'm ready to lose my virginity.
(LAUGHS) Yeah! And I would deflower you in a second! I am so proud of you, Frank! JUDD: Okay, so you'll hit the button, "Yay," cheering, cheering, cheering, moon-sling, and then everybody drinks a beer except for Iris.
Iris is on duty.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) You know, it was kinda nice, earlier, to talk, you know, like people, not barking like dogs.
- Assholes.
- Excuse me.
Yes, I'd love a tiramisu.
Oh, you know what, tiramisu me up too, buddy! Ah, I'm afraid there's only one left.
So, for the next however long, we're out of tiramisu? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, this is big.
- I'd better get it, then.
- You'd better get it.
To share, Doug! For us! Mm.
Quote, you were here, "I better get it then.
" Not "us.
" Well, "Us better get it" isn't a sentence, Doug! God.
Take that tiramisu and shove it right up your ass.
You know what? Tira-me-su! (LAUGHS) Please.
But not up my asshole.
You can just put it right here on the table.
So, um Have you, uh, been to the Judd jungle gym? And how did you hear about it? Targeted ad? Word of mouth? Your nanny? - MATT: How you doing, buddy? - I'm okay.
- How old are you? - 12.
Oh, that's an awful age.
When I was 12, I wanted to be a rapper.
I tried to buy a gun, the whole deal.
I was a mess.
You should never speak to human beings.
Well, I'm the head of passenger services! (AMERICAN ACCENT) Good evening, everybody.
Excited? So, Cyrus is ready to prompt Nadia with the commands, right? No, she's gonna do it herself.
But she can't do it herself.
She hasn't memorized them.
You're in character.
I do not know what you mean by "in character.
" - Okay, you're in character.
- I'm being Sarah.
Did you just Did you just wink at This button doesn't work, right? (DANISH ACCENT) No, no, it's not even connected, no.
- Can I? Do you mind? - Of course.
- (BEEPING) - Look at that! It's cool, right? That's so neat! Iris! Iris! Hey, I want one of these buttons for my room.
RYAN: (AMERICAN ACCENT) Right, bridge crew, ready! The performing seals are ready.
Whoa, disrespectful.
Seals are pretty smart.
The performing seals are ready.
Only speak when I say your names! Nadia, slingshot is primed.
- Slingshot is primed.
- Go, go! Mads, engines.
- MADS: Engines - Go, go.
- Sarah, trajectory.
- SARAH: Trajectory Guys, why is nobody answering their comms? Are you all out for the day? Welcome to engineering, or as I call it, prompting.
Nadia There's a rupture in the turd shield.
- What? - Yeah! - Tell me you vented it.
Tell - Tell me you vented it! There is a shitstorm coming, and when I say "shit," I mean shit, and when I say "storm," I mean shit! - Look.
- Oh, for fu fu fu Oh, fa-fa-fa! - Okay, remember, Frank.
- I know how to work a button.
" It's "press" a button.
Press a button.
Are we still on protocol, team? Oui, protocol status is nominal.
Frank, you're the best.
You're a fucking silverback.
There are children here.
Let's action slingshot.
Thrusters are primed, Frank.
Go, go! (GASPING) I should've done it.
What did I Did I What did I do? Invoking emergency headset protocol.
Was that a Was that a good shudder? Or a bad shudder? - (ALARM BLARING) - Ryan.
Ryan, it's Billie.
Someone forgot to vent the wetsuit.
This is not good.
Very code not good.
Code bad! Ah, that's not really a code, though, is it? (AMERICAN ACCENT) Okay! Why don't we, uh, take another photograph? Get all the kids there.
Nice big smiles, everybody.
Right down to the front.
Now, if you bunch in tight BILLIE: Captain.
(CLEARS THROAT) We are currently leaking human shit and piss live right now.
- Wha - Or excrement and urine, if you're in first class.
That's exactly what it is.
You want a brown star? Well, "crystal clear" might seem like an odd phrase to use right now, but I think you should've been crystal clear about this! I was.
I explained this to you over at Spike's class, as did Spike, as did that little child.
God, you don't feel like a massive idiot about that button thing, do you? 'Cause you just have to let it go, honestly, because it will kill you.
Oh, my fuck! Look at all that shit! (GASPING) MATT: So, the ship seems to be shitting itself, but don't get hung up on results, Frank.
The journey is the destination.
Iris, I'm hearing things right now that would worry me if they were true.
Please tell me they're not true.
- They're all lies.
- Oh, thank God.
Wait! You're just saying that because I told you to, aren't you? - Yes.
- Oh, fuck! I've never seen so many number twos.
ZEKE'S MOM: Is that what I think it is? Hell yeah, baby.
Hell yeah.
(GROANING) - (ALARM SOUNDING) - RYAN (AUTOMATED): This is an emergency.
- I did not - Please remain calm.
- Okay, that's not good.
ultra-emergency now.
- I need - Accent! (AMERICAN ACCENT) all non-essential personnel to leave the bridge right now, please.
Thank you.
Especially this guy.
Get him out of here.
- FRANK KELLY: Sorry, Karen.
- You son of a bitch! - RYAN: Please remain calm.
- Sorry.
Yeah, I can't eat this.
Tanto, tanto merda che esce.
- (OVERLAPPING VOICES IN VARIOUS LANGUAGES) - Ma tanto, tanto, tanto esce la merda, esce, esce, esce.
Che cazzo fai? We are all going to die of radiation poisoning if we don't plug the hole in the vent right now.
Like, now.
Okay, if anyone needs to freak out, this is a safe space.
Physically, we're obviously in terrible danger.
A real captain would be out there.
Yes! Captain, you need to get out there and fix whatever this is.
This dark evil.
Look, I think you may have to do this.
No, no, no.
Judd, the captain's place is on the bridge.
Look, the whole world wants to see you out there! No, the whole world wants to see a specialist, and I am not a specialist in that.
Go, Mr.
Wetsuit! He's an expert.
I never knew that before.
You are the perfect man for this job.
Zeke, whoever does go out there, I'm gonna make sure they bring you back a nice, big Captain Clark saved my life 20 years ago.
When we were mining for asteroids.
Do you remember? My harness failed, and I thought I was gonna die.
(SNIFFLES) And the captain untethered his tether, and he jumped out and he caught me.
And he loves his uniform.
But he loves danger more.
And that is why we are saved, people.
So, now you can act? (APPLAUSE) Wh No, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Avenue 5! CROWD: Avenue 5! - Fly safe, cap! - Yeah! Right.
the things that are not good about this, one of them is, I'm still drunk! Okay, listen, it's gonna be fine.
Uh, focus on her, because she's got a really promising story.
Is there a worse way to die? Because right now, I'd be inclined to pick that one.
It's gonna be okay.
I'm gonna talk directly into your ear, and I'm gonna walk you through this whole horror.
You've just gotta find me on the comms link, or I won't be able to help you.
Okay, find me on the comms link.
Thank you.
Take him down.
- Find me on the comms link! - Back to your stations.
- RYAN: Please remain calm.
- JUDD: We got this! There is a rupture in the hull, and Cap has gone to do an EVA.
So, emergency drill.
Go, go, go! - Uh, oui.
Go, go! - Yes.
- EVA? - Yes! - (CHUCKLES) - I love improv.
(CHEERING) I believe in you.
But if, for whatever reason, it doesn't work out, I'm gonna name a sports center or artificial ski slope after you.
Okay, engineering.
Forward split wetsuit protocol three to my station.
Protocol three.
That is my favorite protocol.
SARAH: Protocol three.
- BILLIE: Okay.
- Oh, fucking hell.
BILLIE: Ryan? Ryan, can you hear me? Are you ready to do this? With every fiber of my being, no.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Captain, what exactly are you looking at? The inside of my eyelids.
Can you get visuals on the compromise? Visuals? What's wrong with "see"? Or "come back in"? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) RAV MULCAIR: Oh, this is not good.
Where are you going? I'm gonna do 600 push-ups and then throw up in the sink.
I'll see you later at the Halfway Home Party.
MAN: Is Is that true? Well, it was true when I said it.
Like a marriage vow.
This party is going to be an orgy of the gods.
- So firm.
- Well (STUTTERS) Firm is my middle name.
- WOMAN: What's your first name? - Colin.
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