Avenue 5 (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

I'm A Hand Model

1 - (MUSIC PLAYS) - I bring good tidings.
Six months extra journey time.
Come here! He really exaggerates his numbers.
This is a designated good-news area.
No downers, no frowners, Missy.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) NASA extended a hand, and you shat in it! - Suck on that, NASA! - (RAV MULCLAIR CHUCKLES) Oh.
RYAN CLARK: Joe inspired us all.
May he rest.
SPIKE MARTIN: He's orbiting us.
This ship is so large that it has its own gravitational pull.
That's a good thing, right? I mean, nobody wants a little wussy ship.
JAZ: The three injured passengers, they're dead.
Zombies! MATT SPENCER: Those aren't zombies; those are just the dismembered corpses of our dead friends.
No more will we be treated like cattle.
- Yes! - Come on! Right? - Eat the rich! - No, not that.
HERMAN JUDD: (EXHALES) Listen to my breathing.
You hear how relaxed my voice is? Relax.
Your whole being is soft and frail and boneless.
- (SCREAMING) - It's so quiet in here.
Stand easy.
Okay, boys and girls.
Updates, please.
Let's keep our eyes on the prize.
Mads, trajectory calculations.
We're flying safe, Cap.
ALL: Fly true.
RYAN: Good.
NADIA: Orbital dynamics and subsystems What are you having for lunch, do you think? I haven't decided.
I was thinking of chili, but RYAN: Mads, all systems MEKO? MADS: Yes, sir.
Of course.
Sarah Auxiliary sensors engaged.
Rear antenna primed.
RAV MULCAIR: Hello, Mia.
How are you? Oh, hey, Rav.
How am I? - (RAV CLEARS THROAT) - I'm in a mixed prison cell.
My back is You know, sleeping on the floor is not as comfy as dogs make it look.
Maybe we could take turns? I sleep on the floor? No way.
I haven't heard anything you said yet because of the delay, but I'm guessing it's something along the lines of what I can go do to myself.
What? Wait.
I'm sorry, can you come back - No.
- DOUG: Welcome.
This is my wife.
She likes to sleep with masseurs.
He's a reflexologist, Doug.
- It's a medical science.
- Of course.
They give Nobel Prizes for that, don't they? I'm sorry, wait, what's that? (SCOFFS) Don't tell me, I know this one.
Is Is it - Is it a towel? - Oh, that's very funny.
No, it's usually folded into like a a swan or a saggy rabbit.
It looks like a human anus.
Yeah, that's a sphincter.
I've got a bit of a catastrophe to deal with, as you know because you're in it, so I'm I'm gonna go.
No! Rav! We're not done with Don't! (GROANS) Hey, guys.
I've been informed by your rat-fink neighbors that you're still having loud and sexually graphic arguments.
Fuck those guys.
Is there anything I can do to help? Well, your housekeeper just put an asshole on our bed.
MIA: My bed.
No, I think that's a r No, that's an asshole.
The puckering's beautiful.
- Okay.
I can help you later.
- Great.
Um He ordered the omelet with a sausage on the side.
Well, this is a different dead animal with different shaped eggs.
Well, different is not as ordered, is it? Maybe eat it with your eyes closed.
(CHUCKLES) Mystery bites.
Before we know it, we're gonna be eating swill from a trough.
It's delicious.
And wrong.
Come here.
I can see that you see me.
Can I wear you as an insult-proof vest? - Of course.
- RYAN: Mrs.
How can we help? Frank, tell this pair of empty smiles about your double chicken.
So, I got served chicken and eggs.
Which came first? (CHUCKLING) They came together, actually.
Yummy! That made you happy.
Frank, you are enchanting.
You know what's not enchanting? Your huckleberry tone.
Yes, and I am seething with anger.
Okay, you ready for this? Max, talk at them.
I found gum on my pillow.
So, in some cultures, that's actually considered good luck.
- Yeah.
- KAREN KELLY: Tim, hit him.
Physically if you want to.
The lady at the nursery, she called my son a pig.
Well, to the Chinese, which is most people, the pig represents wealth and hard work.
They're not the fat, filthy scavengers - that everyone thinks they are.
- TIM: Are you kidding? Okay.
Thanks, Matt.
- Thanks.
You can stand down.
- Unbe-goddamn-lievable.
RYAN: Go and play with Judd, because you've been a wild kind of useless.
Max, I am disgusted at the vision of you being stuck to a pillow.
If you let me have the gum, I will run it through the dental records for our housekeeping staff and action will be taken.
He will get fresh linen and a spa pass.
Also that.
Karen, could I just have a quick word? TIM: Hey, what about my pig son? - You know, I can - Hi.
I can't help noticing that you have a very special way - of handling passengers.
- Thank you.
Maybe you and I could talk about how we could harness those people wrangling skills.
Well, that is intriguing.
I am intrigued.
Well, you know where to find me.
Oh, I will find you.
You were incredible! That was incredible! You were like Joan of Arc! Honey, Joan of Arc died on a stake in a fire.
- Well, baby, you were on fire.
- Oh, come on.
You may eat that.
My door's always broken.
BILLIE MCEVOY: So, if trajectory porn is your thing, prepare to get your rocks off.
CLYDE: Ta-da.
That is your new course projection.
Isn't she luscious? Turns out Cyrus isn't just not a pretty face.
RYAN: Wow.
So it's confirmed.
Bravo, youngling.
Only thing I need now is for someone to fix my cocking door! Doors are Matt's remit.
Blame Matt.
Let's all blame Matt.
We can heap blame onto Matt like he's an empty plate at an all-you-can-blame buffet.
Don't worry, in six short months, you're never gonna have to see Matt or any of the 4,500 other cellmates ever again.
- Five thousand.
- Is that what it is? Feels like five million.
Karen feels like most of those.
I'm gonna go and fondle these lucky numbers one last time, and then we're all set.
Godspeed, my sweaty little friend.
Just d don't let it feel your fear.
Oh, one more fun thing.
Remember Johann? Portuguese? - Tall, dead, out there? - Yes.
Well, his arm froze and the top part shattered, and now, his hand and his elbow are orbiting his coffin.
(CHUCKLING) Wow, come on, even you've got to admit that space is pretty fucking cool sometimes.
Is it? 'Cause apparently, it's frightening the children.
Also, the women.
Also, the men.
IRIS KIMURA: The ship is already 18 percent self-sufficient.
We turn our waste fluids into drinking water and our garden grows basic fungi.
MATT SPENCER: It's incredibly bland, but it's very filling.
It's like eating a lightly seasoned mattress.
I see the tape worm moved out of my ass and bought a suit.
Matt is here because I need more brains around the table.
Last time I left you to solve a problem, I looked outside my window and saw three dead customers - waving back at me.
- They weren't waving.
Are those protein balls? Can I have one? No, absolutely not.
I need them for my show.
- Show? - Yes! I would like to go over the rescue mission, how we're gonna get every one of the 5,000 souls off the ship.
So, imagine that this protein ball is Earth, and this protein ball is a rescue shuttle.
So then, Earth and the rescue shuttle are the same size.
- What? No? Ah, Jesus.
- IRIS: N Did you just launch one of the ships or did you destroy Earth? Hey, brains trust.
Use your mind to make one thing seem like it's another thing.
See? She can do it.
Hey, welcome back, Iris.
We are gonna circle round like this.
Hold Earth.
And then, we're gonna come around closer, and then, eventually, brush against Earth.
Correct? Well, we'll be half a million kilometers away.
Yes, so close and yet, absolutely nowhere near.
Close enough for a space shuttle.
But science! We're only gonna be this close to Earth for like a day or something.
Forty-eight hours in reachable range.
It's a very tight window.
(YELLING) Goddamnit Iris! Stop being so negative! (YELLING) Technically, that was just the truth! (SUBDUED) But yes, you did sort of say it in a minor key.
Now, each rescue shuttle can only hold ten people, so we're gonna need more than one shuttle.
- Because there are actually - JUDD: Actually more than ten passengers - onboard this ship.
- JUDD: Onboard T-minus, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
T-minus? What is that, your rap name? Is this what depression looks like, Iris? 'Cause if so, get that stuff away from me.
But also, uh, get me 500 rescue shuttles.
I don't know about y'all, but I am feeling jazzed.
Teamwork is fun.
SUSAN: If he wants 500 ships, - he needs to change his attitude.
- I have a thick skin, Rav.
I mean, I fought in the Huawei Wars, but that man, I'm telling you, he is one seriously - Is that here? Is that outside? - That's the vigil.
It's Earth-based families of the passengers.
That's us, is it? That's our tiny vigil? I Yeah.
Also, there's been a surge in don't worry about it.
It's not your area.
If it's on Avenue 5, it is my area.
Susan, I happen to know that Mr.
Judd respects you vehemently.
Alan, what's my area? There's been a surge in complaints about towels.
Some are just dirty, others are being fashioned into obscene parts of the human anatomy.
- That's not my area.
- Yeah, I thought not.
Towels? On behalf of NASA, let me say, "Seriously?" (LAUGHS) Okay, I should go.
Bye-bye for now, Susan.
Susan's fucking funny, isn't she? Isn't Susan fucking funny? So, what we're gonna do is you're gonna let out all this toxicity between you two.
Then, we're gonna trap it in here, and then let it go.
Like a beautiful poison butterfly.
Who goes first? - I'll go.
(CLEARS THROAT) - Oh, sure.
Oh, lord! Am I married to this? Stan, baby, you look amazing.
I love those glasses.
You look very clever.
When I put mine on, I just look like a welder.
Oh, hi, Ryan.
Hey, Rav.
I am feeling really undervalued by your decision to imprison me in space.
Rav had no clue this was gonna happen.
Uh, it's her job, so she should have had a clue.
DOUG: Jeez, give her some time.
(LAUGHTER) So, I look him in the eye, best I can.
You know, given the and I say, "You'll never get me inside that helmet.
Just wait for that one to go.
I have exciting news.
You know I told you that it was gonna be it was gonna be three years.
It's not.
It's six months.
Are you drinking again? No, this is tomato juice.
It's mostly tomato juice.
It's dynamite for the prostate.
Anyway, you should be hearing RYAN: (DELAYED) It's six months.
- Wait, six months? - There we go.
I only have a couple more years before everything falls apart - MATT: Good.
- and I'm stuck here with you.
- Your biological clock is ticking.
- MIA: Yes! - She's a little self-absorbed for kids.
- MATT: Good! Oh, oh, oh, and yet, I am stuck with a 36-year-old one.
One who could get himself adopted anytime.
Six months is still too long.
Eight weeks was too long.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Stan.
It's basic physics.
You've worn the same pair of jeans for longer than that.
Pretty funny, aren't they? She doesn't think they are.
Um - CRIS: Oh! There he is.
- There she is! Oh, Stan, our husband's in space.
(STAN CHUCKLES) - You two look so amazing.
- CRIS: You're drinking.
Yeah, he just said that he's got a bad prostate, and he's self-medicating with vodka.
He also said that it's gonna be six months.
- Not quite what I said, Stan, is it? - CRIS: Six months? Your marriage is like the fucking Hindenburg, Rav! Just a flaming dirigible with dead Nazis falling out of the bottom.
(CRYING) RYAN: Oh, for fuck's sake, - Stan.
It's basic physics.
- BOTH: Oh! I do understand the physics, Ryan.
Maybe I'd change my jeans if you were here to do the washing.
Have you finished? CRIS: This has to be the last trip, Ryan.
RYAN: Let's not do the eight-week thing again.
You don't mind the money, let's be honest.
They're miserable.
Everyone hates them.
They wish they'd never been born.
(SOBBING) I can't do this anymore! MATT: (HYSTERICAL) What are you gonna do now, Rav? How are you gonna fix this now? - (PDA BEEPING) - Now send.
What? MATT: And that's it, sent.
All good.
What are you What, you sent that to Rav? Ah, I gotta go.
They found a rat in the clementines.
- (SIGHS) - Hey, Martina, the rat's back.
IRIS: We need more money than there is money - How many times - Twenty-seven.
How many times have you said that and I got the money? Twenty-seven.
But this is the first time five thousand human lives have been on the line.
I think.
No, yeah, it is.
We need people to care.
We need a vigil.
Th There is a vigil.
Ah, that is sad.
For the wrong reason.
Remember that vigil for the children who died in the French famine.
Uh La Famine? Très tragic.
We need to shit on that vigil.
How do we do that? I don't know.
How do we do that? No, I'm asking you, Iris.
How do we do that? Actors.
To play real people.
Oh, but that would be very - dishonest.
- Mm.
- Unless it worked.
- I'll hire the actors now.
They gotta be sad looking and non-union.
One thing usually means the other.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, boy.
RYAN: I was expecting you about half a bottle ago.
This isn't a cabin, it's a basketball court.
Mind if I, uh - No, you can help yourself.
- KAREN: Wow.
Oh, this is how the other half lives.
And dies.
This room belonged to dead Mary.
- Oh.
- She's gonna be coming around in about 25 minutes.
Yeah, this is our, uh, Executive Stargazer Suite.
This This is just a little porny.
Well, we could get rid of that, you know, if you were to move in.
This is an accommodation fitting for the Passenger Liaison Officer.
I mean, that sounds a little like salty talk.
No, I just mean you speak passenger.
I mean, you solve their problems, whereas Matt just turns them into balloon animals.
I think we should formalize that role.
You would be Passenger Liaison Officer.
- KAREN: It's interesting.
- RYAN: Fantastic.
KAREN: You want me to come over there? Yeah.
This is a, uh, 2024 Pinot Meunier.
- Excellent year.
- Hottest year on record.
The fish in our pond boiled to death.
Let's drink to the fish.
Let's drink like fish.
Let's just drink.
Okay, look, I should make it clear that coitus is not on the menu.
That's a very odd menu, but sure, absolutely.
KAREN: Great.
that is absolutely exquisite.
- (CHUCKLING) What is that? - What's what? Does drinking champagne turn you British? What you mean? You But you know.
I mean, you knew, didn't you? What? You are British? You're from actual Britland? Oh! No.
I get so confused.
I'm sorry.
I just get I'm sorry.
I really am sorry.
That's three sorries.
You really are British.
I'm pretending to be American to one lot of people.
I'm pretending to be a captain to another lot of people.
- I'm pretending to care - What? Sorry, what? Shit, I've done it again, haven't I? Done what what have you done? I don't really - Nothing.
- Okay.
You said pretending to be captain? Yeah.
Okay, where is the real captain? He's he's out there.
- About ten minutes behind Mary.
- No, no, no.
- I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh-uh.
That's not happening.
- Not funny.
Not funny.
- Karen.
This is Listen.
You know what? You need to shut up! Okay.
Shutting up.
Oh, no.
This is so You We're And you're a lying D-head! I was hired to be like a ceremonial captain.
Okay? What? What does that mean? So you're an actor.
Yeah? Oh, okay.
Right, in the last ten seconds, you just changed continents and careers.
No, actually, my first career was in the wine trade.
So, we're just up here in this giant tin can with a boozehound driving! To be fair, most actors are boozehounds.
Oh, big fat Buddha.
I am hyper-effing-ventilating here.
- (SIGHS) - What are you doing now? I need to invert because I do not wanna pass out before I finish yelling at you, you mother-effing C-sucker! When other people find out about this No, they're not going Oh, "cock.
" Got it.
They're not going to find out.
That's the whole point.
- That's - Okay, yeah.
Because your head is gonna be on a spike in the Atrium.
Oh, wind your neck in, will you? Look, who do you think people want to see in charge? They wanna see a captain or a vintner? I think a captain, don't you? The point is, we are trapped here on a branded dildo hurtling through space, full of panicky animals who are gonna start painting the wall with their turds and eating each other's feet unless I show leadership, and I need you to help me do that.
Give me one of those.
I also get this cabin, right? The cab Oh, absolutely.
I was actually I was gonna give you a an envelope with a mini bar key in it.
I was which is by the way, not so mini.
(CHUCKLES) (SOBBING) I can't do this anymore.
MATT: Are you enjoying this, Rav? Two words.
Worm holes.
If they exist, they can be created.
I miss drizzle.
I miss dogs barking.
I miss toilet paper without a J on it.
Yeah, I can get myself adopted anytime! (SOBBING) I can't do this anymore! I can't do this anymo KAREN: Okay, Captain.
Chief Passenger Liaison Officer on duty.
Screwing the stowaway now, huh? - No, I am not.
Not What? - (PURRING) - What is that? I - (JUDD CHUCKLES) No, Karen is helping with passenger services.
" I bet you're feeling pretty pleased with yourself.
- No.
I'm not.
- Well, you shouldn't.
'Cause I've never seen that woman happy.
Well, that has nothing to do with me.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I believe you, Mr.
Bad in Bed.
Well, I really enjoyed this little talk, but I'm off to the bridge now.
Ooh, when the bridge comes a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.
See you and the little fuckatee later.
My knight in shining shorts.
What do you got? You're gonna love this.
Uh, slight snag.
I didn't factor in the ship's extra weight.
Those 500 extra lottery winners.
You're gonna number-fuck us, aren't you? RYAN: You didn't factor meaning you didn't count.
Just to be clear.
So, my numbers are actually adding six months.
Six months more than the six months that you estimate.
Six months in addition to the three years.
Um, you're saying the voyage is now gonna take three and a half years, just so we're appallingly clear.
- Yep.
- RYAN: "Yep"? You can't say "yep.
" This isn't a time for "yep.
" Uh, "yes.
" Affirmative.
Cyrus, you're like Santa Claus with a sack full of shit.
Do you have any options that you can suggest? Well, there's the one.
You know what I'm talking about.
I know you know what I'm talking about.
I don't I'm not fluent in facial expressions.
- You should try words.
- Okay, okay.
It could be shorter if we lose those extra 500 people.
Lose? They're not a set of keys, you fucking psychopath.
Oh, Captain, we have a laundry issue.
KAREN: For a man with such epaulettes, you look remarkably rattled.
Well, now, Karen.
Today may be the day you justify your title.
We have a new journey time.
Oh, no.
I don't like the way your mouth is shaping up.
Is it a big number? - Three and a half.
- Mm-mm.
F me.
F me with a CB.
No! (SIGHS) - Years? - No, hours.
Are we gonna do this every time? - Yes! Three and a half years! - Okay.
When are you gonna tell them? I'm not.
That's the point, Karen.
You're gonna tell them.
You're gonna do the telling and the selling.
And what the fuck is a CB? Oh, um, uh, cheese baguette.
Well, this is classic passenger liaison, Karen.
You've gotta go out there, and you've gotta liaise them up the A with a very cheesy baguette.
IRIS: I've got some actors' faces for you for the vigil.
- Oh, she's got a great look.
- Yeah.
She screams "donate some money.
" I'd give them tens of thousands of dollars.
I mean, I wouldn't.
I don't believe in charity.
But someone could.
He looks like a cat.
Oh, she keeps her mom in the basement.
That's a great idea, actually.
Let's book 'em for two 12-hour shifts.
- The, uh, media are here.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Right, good.
I love press conferences.
Let's do this! Yes! - Are you okay to do this? - Yeah, no problem.
Uh, one thing, the delay has been recalculated - to three years and six months.
- No! (REPORTERS CLAMORING) One question at a time.
What's the new debris? The most tragic form of debris, the remains of people, um, orbiting the ship and our hearts.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Okay, bridge crew.
Listen up.
I need a new course back to Earth.
(LAUGHS) None of these people are gonna be able to help you.
- What do you mean? - (WHISPERS) Cyrus Billie? You didn't tell him about the crew? Tell me what? Not yet, okay? Um back to work.
Do you notice anything about this oddly good looking group of people? - They're attractive.
- They're very attractive.
Almost like they're actors.
They're actors.
(CHUCKLES) Billie.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
Billie, this is the greatest crew in the galaxy.
- Well - You're saying the crew's not real? - That's exactly what I'm saying.
- Uh, Nadia.
- Systems update.
- All systems are nominal, sir.
That's a scripted response.
(CHUCKLES) Nadia, how's the flitter emitter doing? The flitter emitter? It's, uh, completely nominal.
Hundred percent nominal, sir.
- One hundred percent nominal.
- Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
It's not a real th I made that up.
You You're an imposter? - Actor.
- CYRUS: They all are.
- They're all actors.
- No, no, no, no.
- BILLIE: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No, no.
No way.
What is the quickest course back to Earth? Uh.
(CLEARS THROAT) We head downwards, uh, through, um Event Horizon.
Oh, you are shitting me.
You're shitting me.
Mads! - REPORTERS: (CLAMORING) Rav! - Okay, uh, yes.
One of Yes.
You, little lady.
How much will the whole operation cost? - Uh, yes, sir? You at the back? - ALL: Rav! Rav! A little while ago, we were all told that our journey time was going to be six months.
There's been an update.
I was just told five years.
(GASPING) What the What? Does anybody here know what the fuck they're doing? Yeah, I, uh, control the lights with this button here.
- You get the idea.
- What? No, this this is a state-of-the-art bridge, not some crappy piano that plays itself.
Looks at this.
No, okay, now, take your hands off.
Take your hands away.
And it Oh, for fuck's sake.
- So, all you can do is - Yeah, there is a skill to it.
So, if I just do my thing.
Yeah, leave it like that.
It just suits my rage.
The engineers said that it would be five years.
And I refused to accept it.
She simply refused.
It was a very exciting moment.
And eventually, they caved.
Rav, what's the impact on the voyage? Three years plus some more months.
- Six months.
- (CLAMORING CONTINUES) As soon as we know anything more, - you will be the first - Second.
Second to know.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) What is the collective noun for idiots? A thick? Non mais merde! I did three years' training as an actor.
Yeah, and I'm a hand model, so I am qualified actually.
And if we are all airing our grievances here, I've been in character for four weeks now.
It is taking its toll creatively.
What about you? In line for a Tony? Me? No, I'm a model.
I'm just good looking.
But I thought you were flying the ship.
Well, we thought you were flying the ship.
You've got the steering wheel.
This I That's not You feel anything? No! Because this is a Magritte, Nadia.
Ce n'est pas un steering wheel! I don't even know how it goes up and down.
Oh, I do that as well, actually.
Just this button.
Ah, you see? How could you not know? How could you not know? I feel you're attacking me! I am attacking you.
That's why you feel that.
I'm attacking you.
They said, "Karen, for you, we're gonna make it four years.
" Incredibly irritating.
I said, "Four years? If you can't come back to me with three and a half years, we're done here.
" So, you know what they came back to me with? Three and a half years, people.
Boom! (CHEERING) Eighteen months less.
Hardball! You get 'em, chief! Yeah, hi, I'm sorry.
I don't understand.
Why would they tell you five years if, uh if they could do it three and a half? It makes no sense.
FRANK: You don't understand.
- I don't understand.
- Right.
She's the only one who does.
(CHUCKLES) A king's ransom for anyone who knows what the fuck they're doing.
Okay, okay.
Cyrus, come on.
What? What is this? A betting syndicate? Hey, man.
Uh Captain.
BILLIE: Meet your real engineers.
This ship is mainly automated, but we do need a few crew members just to keep up with maintenance, keep us afloat.
So, this is like front of house, - and that's backstage.
- CYRUS: When she says afloat, that's sort of a skeuomorphic construct Hey, you.
Shut all of that.
Right now.
Is nothing real, Billie? Yes, I'm real.
I'm very real in every sense of the word, it's just that Judd wanted hot crew, and there's just no intersection in that Venn diagram.
Yeah, just you and me, Billie.
Another miscalculation.
Does Judd know about this? Does he strike you as a details kind of guy? Okay, he can never know.
He cannot know.
Everybody get that? Judd must operate on a never-need-to-know basis.
Okay? AUTOMATED VOICE: Passengers on the bridge.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Welcome to the bridge.
(SIGHS) It's gonna be fine.
It's all gonna be fine.
Our course home has been set.
There's a lot of people counting on us to get them there.
Sarah, lights.
Are they still fucking there? BILLIE: Yep.

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