Avenue 5 (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

And Then He's Gonna Shoot Off...

- Does yoga burn a lot of calories? Because we're losing profits in the food court.
Can they like, move more? Let's go live to Avenue 5.
I see a warning light.
(SIREN BLARING) (CROWD SHOUTS) Whose dog is this? What's your plan? What is the matter with you people?! - Are you Australian? - I'm English.
- What the fuck? - I'm not a captain, either.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Are you an admiral? RYAN CLARK: Joe is the real captain of the ship.
I've got some difficult news.
We won't get home for three years.
Ladies and gentlemen, I know that you have some questions, and I will answer them.
Don't insult us! What? I How was that insulting? - We know what's going on.
- Yeah, we know.
We We hit a patch of choppy space.
Mission control said three years to get home.
- I was in the room.
- She was in the room! Yeah, you know what? Better if one of us speaks, babe.
Yeah, look, that.
That is what I heard.
- (CLAMORING) - RYAN: Okay GARETH: We're all gonna die in space! RYAN: I'm gonna just get rid of that, because it does look a little bit stark.
This is Billie, our chief engineer.
I'm now gonna pass over the explanation baton to Billie.
- (STUTTERS) - Go ahead, just take it! Okay.
So (CLEARS THROAT) - We were due to attempt - Can you speak up? Uh Yeah.
Um So, we were due to attempt a - Hold it further from your face! - You're popping there.
Okay, um, so the plan was to use Titan's gravity as an assist to save propellant English, please.
Which one of those words was not English, sir? - Propellant.
- (QUIETLY) Propellant? - Propellant's Eng - Just make it less, uh, technical.
It You know.
Uh So, um Saturn is a big, big planet, um, with a big, big moon, Titan, and we were gonna use - Titan's gravity as a propellant - Propellant again! PIERRE: What the fuck are you talking about? - (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - Okay, I can't SPIKE MARTIN: Hey, buddy, have some respect.
She might be a spanner spinner, but there's no need to patronize her.
You go ahead, kid.
Okay, you don't patronize me by telling me not to be patronized, okay? It's just it's hard to know what you can say these days.
It's really not that hard.
MIA: Hello, hello! We are still waiting for an explanation.
Okay, listen, so basically, we have missed our turning.
Okay? So now we're stuck going the long way around.
Is that simple enough for you guys? - Or should I go and get some crayons - (CLAMORING) draw this crap on the walls for you.
Maybe use diagrams, - little pretty colors - Whoa! (CHUCKLES) keep it real easy.
I mean, it Whoa, whoa, Billie, I think that's enough jargon.
- (SCOFFS) - RYAN: Uh It's been a long day, and, uh Billie is naturally quite brutal.
You are gonna shit these people up if you're not careful.
I was holding back.
- (CLAMORING) - RYAN: Listen, I I will answer your questions after the service tomorrow morning.
One of our crew members passed, and three other people are on life support.
As soon as he's dispatched, I will be asking questions.
That is super respectful of you, ma'am.
All right.
Our work here is done.
Very poorly.
HERMAN JUDD: Ryan betrayed me like a character in a Shakespeare movie.
Why is he even here? You transferred him from Avenue 3.
Well, you should have had him checked.
You told me not to check him, just to get him.
- No, I didn't! - IRIS KIMURA: Yes, you did! Pull up the minutes of the conversation.
You told me not to keep minutes.
Oh, how convenient for you.
You don't keep them anyway? Not even for a memoir? I'm sorry, I didn't think the time you saw a screen grab of a guy wearing a captain's hat and said, "Let's get him," was memoir worthy.
I'm definitely gonna remember this conversation if that's any help legacy-wise.
(SIGHS) Okay, I have Rav at the ready.
Rav, what are NASA saying? Is NASA saying.
- Is it "is" or "are"? - Is.
What is they saying? No, that sounds all wrong.
- I sound like an idiot.
- (SIGHS) Don't forget there's a delay.
- (GROANS) This fucking delay.
- All right, should we just Shut all the holes in our head and pass out? - Sure, you go first.
- Okay, I don't know what your problem is, but you need to solve it now and focus.
- Just focus, bro.
- IRIS: (SNAPS FINGERS) Hey! You will have some respect and you will know your place in this organization.
What will you have? - I will have some respect.
- And what will you know? I will know I'm sorry, I've immediately forgotten what you just said.
But I do need to discuss Joe's funeral.
- What about it? - We need the coffin.
Joe can have your coffin.
- My coffin? - We take it everywhere we go.
You want me to die, Iris? Is that it? - No.
- Did you hesitate? - No! - Look.
- She did it again.
- She Again.
I was inhaling.
Come on.
That pregnant pause was in its third trimester.
I think it'll be a very good idea to give Joe your coffin.
Good PR.
RAV: Yes, we have meetings scheduled with NASA - I'm not talking! - and other agencies, but we will have to contribute financially.
Contribute financially.
Oh, that's nice.
Now, it's a shakedown.
Well, how 'bout this, Rav.
You tell those assholes It is plural.
You tell them that I may not be back tomorrow, but I will return like an angry Jesus, raining down blood and filth and terror on all those who betrayed me! MATT SPENCER: Classic Jesus.
You mess with his money, he fucks you right up.
ALAN: Option one.
Modify Avenue 3, Lexington, Broadway, send them out.
That would cost a fortune.
Take way too long.
Not an option.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hang on.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Next option.
ALAN: We leave them out there.
- (PHONE RINGS) - In - I can't Is that important? - No.
No, no, it's not.
Go on, go on, go on.
Uh In three years, when they swing by Earth, we send a fleet to grab the survivors, the remaining passengers.
That'd bankrupt the Judd Corporation like four times over.
Again, not an option.
Come on! (WHISPERS) Do you remember when the Pacific went toxic? This is as big as that! So, any more options? - No.
- Okay.
Just a coffee then.
Thank you.
Not joking.
(SERENE MUSIC PLAYS) God knows none of us expected to be up here for three years, but I can tell you this: There is no team I would rather have at my side.
So, let's get at it.
Mads - trajectory calculations.
- We're flying safe, Captain.
ALL: Fly true.
Well, I've just mixed us a cocktail of "Keep calm and suck my balls," because it's not gonna be three years.
- (WHISPERS SHARPLY) Cyrus! - Who are you and what the hell happened to your trousers? Um He's from another section, and we're going back.
A section I don't know about where the dress code is insolent casual? (CHUCKLES) Respectfully, we don't have time to go through all the things that you don't know about right now.
- We have three years.
- Actually, uh, when we run it through my own programs, I get a much different result.
Six months extra journey time.
I really do not see how you're getting six months.
You don't see it, because you live in a world of straight lines, and I'm all curves, baby.
This is Cyrus.
He's still bitter, because I got the NASA internship - and he didn't.
- (LAUGHING) I didn't want it.
I think laterally.
I'm an improviser, a maverick.
- Also, a musician.
- Failed.
He's a failed musician.
He's had some success here.
You sure about this? Six months? CYRUS: I still need to run it a few more times, quadruple-check everything, but You're way less annoying than you were 30 seconds ago.
MATT: Feeling fancy? Book in for formal night at the restaurant.
Lobsters for everyone.
Unless you're allergic to seafood, - then you need to get away from the restaurant.
- FRANK KELLY: Three years? The kids will be three years older in three years.
We gotta get home.
We should try to escape.
- Yes! - MATT: Yes! Wait, that's brilliant.
We can knot some bed sheets together, and we can hit the airlock.
Frank has the same right to speak as anyone.
- Yeah.
Who said you could - You said it, babe.
Well done.
MATT: Yeah, shut up, Frank, and let yourself speak.
Hey, I have had enough of your tall attitude and your high mouth.
Where's (IN NEW YORK ACCENT) "the boss"? It's what Judd wants us to call him now, apparently.
- "The boss.
" - Conference room.
Oh, and he's donated his coffin to Joe.
He knows it's a gift, not a loan? I think so.
I wish to engage.
You know what? Um I need to be anywhere else.
So - You're good.
Don't worry.
- Mrs.
Okay, so.
Tell me what's going on here, and be straight with me 'cause I have had enough bull-S to fill a bathtub.
Just between you and me, we may just be looking at an extra (INAUDIBLE) Six days? - No.
- No.
Six weeks.
- Months.
Six months.
- (GROANS) What What (GROANS) What's that What is that? You should have just said the words "six months.
" You dangled six days at me, and I got excited - I did not dangle - and you snatched it away.
Well, I corrected you instantly.
You corrected me very slowly, if I may say so.
Potential lawsuits might include loss of earnings, mental distress They're not gonna sue the man who owns the oxygen supply.
You wanna limit the oxygen supply? No.
But look into it, but no.
But do.
We can't be defeatist.
A problem is just a solution without a solution.
oyez, I bring good tidings.
Just been talking to my favorite engineer, brilliant mind, terrible knees.
He's been recalculating and he says there's a good chance we'll be back in six months.
(JUDD GRUNTS EXCITEDLY) I am back in the game.
I make the rules.
Come here.
We kill problems like they're babies.
What? Uh Can I come in? Well, that depends.
This is a designated good news area.
No downers, no frowners, missy.
You hear that? I've been talking with my NASA contact, and he says he's working on a solid plan.
I'm hearing five six months.
Six months.
But you're hearing that from Cyrus.
Cyrus, that's Yes.
That's the chap.
Looks like a garden ornament, but he's, uh he's good.
He really exaggerates his numbers.
He says he's had four long-term relationships, and that his band has been downloaded 90 million times.
(WHISTLES) That's very impressive.
Let's see if he can play the bar one night.
I need to hear the music first.
Most music is terrible.
- BILLIE MCEVOY: Okay, so needless to say, I think we should just verify that before How many women he's been with or the other thing? All of it.
No one should say anything about six months outside of this room until we have that verified.
(STUTTERS) We should We should, uh We should definitely verify that.
- Right.
- BILLIE: You haven't told anyone outside of this room, have you? - Me? No.
- Oh.
No, it's just you and me and the occupants of this hollowed out walnut tree.
Regardless, it's my tree and I say yes, we tell now.
We should put it out there.
You know how you make things happen? You find someone who'll say it can happen, and then you make them say it.
That's how they built the pyramids.
I never really bought the whole slaves theory.
- Billie.
- BILLIE: Yeah.
JUDD: We'll tell them after the funeral.
SUSAN: Okay.
Um Sorry.
All right, so Susan says that NASA can offer both expertise and resources.
We can, but there is, of course, the question of cost.
- Hi, by the way.
- Sorry, Alan.
- Okay.
- Sure, it's only money.
Right? Can't place a value on human life.
Well, I know a man who would, does, and will.
How much "only money" we talking about? Okay.
This is the overall cost to NASA - ALAN: Okay.
- which would have to be reimbursed.
Oh, um It wants a password.
Oh, send it back.
(CHUCKLES) Just give me your password.
Fine, I will come to you.
We're planning a joint space mission.
You won't share your password? (CHUCKLES) - (SUSAN CLEARS THROAT) - (RAV SIGHS) Let's just RAV: Mm.
- Right.
- Mother f (SIGHS) Is Is that the figure or a phone number we call to get the figure? Rav booked us on this trip.
She did this.
Yeah, to save our marriage because you couldn't keep your hungry beaver from chomping on wood.
Thank you.
I wish your mouth was this dirty when the lights were off.
She just wanted us to have honeymoon number two.
People usually have sex on their honeymoons.
Not us.
Why don't we just use the time to rekindle? We are way beyond rekindling.
Doug, my heart is not a barbecue! I wouldn't say we're "way" beyond anything.
Everybody is looking I'm so sorry.
- Things are a little - Toxic.
- Tricky.
At the moment.
- MAN: Yeah, we can hear.
We're in the cabin next door.
And I'm underneath you.
I can hear you.
Yeah, but you have super-sensitive hearing.
So - Okay, Doug - I'm at the end of the corridor.
And I can hear them.
Well, you have super-evil hearing.
- Get a life.
- Hey, guys.
If there's anything I can do to help you escape this fetid barf bag you seem to be tied up in, - then just let me know.
- Yeah, actually, maybe you can make an appointment for the counselor.
I would say yes, but the counselor's booked up - for a year solid.
Today's been like - What? Black Friday for emergency mental health care.
You inspired us all.
No matter how little expertise or technical knowledge we had, you made us feel like we knew what we were doing.
And he he did that for every everybody.
I know.
There was no one like you, Joe.
And now there definitely isn't.
Farewell, old friend.
- Fly safe.
- Shh! Your shift has ended.
(JUDD CLEARS THROAT) Um That was weird.
I'm just a passenger on the ship like all of you.
I know nothing of the day to day goings on.
That has literally nothing to do with Herman Judd.
Okay? But if there are people to blame, they shall be blamed.
I say that respectfully and without hinting at any personal liability.
I owe that to this great guy.
May he rest.
(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY) (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) He runs a space travel company.
He knows nothing about space.
- He's a good speaker.
- I'm sorry, who are you? You just embarrassed yourself.
Why? 'Cause I didn't recognize the janitor? (SINGS) There's a starman Waiting in the sky He'd like to come and meet us, but So, uh, there may be some more bad news, or as I'm learning to call it, news.
The casket is sprayed solid gold, lead underneath, and weighs over 800 pounds without Joe in it, - and Joe is a big guy.
- There's a man in there.
- This is not about numbers.
- I'm telling you, it's problematic.
I had to phone someone I wish it could be Joe Hey that's far out Like Joe's far out in space Turn on the TV Sadly, Joe's on TV Told you.
All music is terrible.
Let the children lose it Let all the children Boogie And we will let the children boogie.
Thank you, Matt.
Sanji, our regular singer, is, uh is injured.
Uh He's expected to make a full recovery, so there's justice.
(MACHINE WHIRS) - It's a very heavy coffin.
- Please stop talking near me.
RYAN: He's leaving us, Billie.
Why isn't he leaving us? Well, I told you.
You didn't tell me this was gonna happen.
Is this because of the weight? The ship is so large that it has its own gravitational pull.
That's a good thing, right? I mean, nobody wants a little wussy ship.
What is he doing? KAREN: Whatever it is, he needs to stop it.
SPIKE: He's orbiting us.
It's a lap of honor, right.
Then, he's gonna shoot off.
No, like the little guy just said, he will be orbiting us again, and again, and again RYAN: What? JUDD: Get him away from my ship! Doesn't my coffin have rockets or a self-destruct? Why would your coffin have a self-destruct? So that nobody can plant incriminating bodily fluids on my corpse.
Makes sense.
Joe is a moon.
He'll pass by us every hour or so.
Well, in a way, that's I don't wanna say "dependable," but, uh I'm gonna go with "macabre.
" Uh What's the little rectangle? What is that? What is that? We understand that's Mr.
Judd's coffin.
How How does that happen? Is it Is it a drill? A coffin rehearsal? ALAN: Ah.
Uh Hello.
Is the screen frozen or is he just not moving? ALAN: It's just the delay.
Zip your lips and open your ears.
I'm gonna lay down some big words.
We solved the issue on our own.
Back in six months, see? I'm great.
Now I'm gonna eat this protein ball while I wait for your reply.
That can't be right, can it? Suck on that, NASA! "NASA" stands for "Not Anymore, Stupid Assholes!" Oh.
- He did not mean that.
- I have seen enough.
This has been so useful.
Door's over there.
- Let get that.
- Let's stay in touch.
(RAV SIGHS) Ladies and gentlemen, could I have Could you gather around? Could I have your attention, please? Oh, thank you.
Uh Excuse me.
Everybody, listen up.
The captain has some news.
Yeah, you you should probably get down from there.
- Sturdy hands - Do you mind? I have a husband.
- Oh! Oh I'm here.
- Well, shoot me for caring.
Okay, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I've been running a few options, and we think we may have found a faster way home.
Is it less than six months? - Yes, it is.
- BAILEY: Oh! - (CHEERING) - No! No! No, no, no, no.
Wait, no.
It's less than three years.
(GROANING) It could be as little as six months.
(MATT CLAPS) - Thanks, Matt.
- We already knew that.
- What? - Yeah, I told a few people.
Who heard about this from her? - RYAN: Jesus.
- MATT: Okay, great.
And of those people, how many of you love fudge? Just thought it would be good to think about something positive.
- RYAN: Okay.
- Captain? Captain, can I DEVON: The captain's a shithouse.
Just a quick word.
So, uh bit of an update.
The three injured passengers, no longer injured.
- At last, a bit of good news.
- No, no, no.
Um They're dead.
Probably should have led with that, Billie.
Hey, you're not, uh getting into some escape pod, are you? Ma'am, if I had an escape pod, I would put you in it.
(QUIETLY) And set the fucking thing on fire.
- I'm not done with you yet.
- You are very done.
Six months? Why can't we get six months? There's more brains in this room than a lifetime of sausages.
On it.
Also, the acceleration needs to be realigned iteratively or the gravity system could fail again.
Just say "reset the gravity.
" We don't need to make things sounds cleverer than they are.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Of course, your highness.
Yes, I caught you out on a different number.
- (DEVICE BEEPS) - What in the Rav? Hello? - (GROANS) God damn it! - Do you want to try again? Yes, but I need a new wrist.
Been a long day.
What say we, uh, grab a drink, let our hair down? I'm not impressed by your space career.
Am I disturbing you? My life is disturbance.
I just needed a moment.
Not normally one for prayer.
That's not gonna change.
IRIS: How'd it go telling the passengers it was six months? RYAN: Uh Not great.
They all called me a shithouse.
I'm not surprised.
Seems like we've both been feeling it.
- If you ever need a shoulder to - Noted.
Well, maybe if I go first, then - you know, it might help you feel - IRIS: My grandfather got me.
The only person I felt truly myself with, you know? I was nine years old when he took me rowing for the first time.
Just us, out on the lake together, peacefully in nature.
Then he had a heart attack right in front of me and died.
I had to row back to shore alone, his lifeless body with me.
RYAN: Oh, my God.
That That is terrible.
That is truly, truly awful.
This person I loved, staring flatly at me All I wanted to do was scream or cry, but I couldn't.
I just had to keep rowing.
I had to say to myself, "Pull through, Iris.
Pull through.
" IRIS: (SIGHS) And now it's happening again.
Except this time, I'm not alone.
I'm with you.
Oh, no, wait.
That's not a uniform, that's a costume because you're not a real captain, you giant, shitty fraud.
(PEOPLE APPROACHING) What's wrong? What's happened? How bad is it? Iris was uh, was in a rowing boat and I just rowed out and rowed back again.
So, coffins.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Are we sure that transparent is really appropriate? (SCOFFS) I think we passed appropriate like three corpses ago.
I mean, they're light.
A compressed jet of air will fire them out of orbit.
Unseemly, yet practical.
- Good job.
- Thanks.
How are you doing, Billie? - Uh I'm fine.
- Yeah? 'Cause you have gone above and beyond.
It's not a problem.
It's fine.
I'm happy to hear any concerns, is what I'm saying.
Well, um - my concern is, uh, that - Uh-huh.
you have no skills as a captain - beyond fuzzy charm - Right.
which is already kind of getting old.
- And, uh - Noted.
you can't seem to hold the same accent, which is kinda crazy.
- And, uh Also - Right.
if you hand me the mic again to talk to those passengers, I will beat you over the head with it, and I will ram it down your esophagus.
- She's not wrong.
- BILLIE: You.
You need to handle Judd the business Sasquatch, 'cause otherwise, he starts flinging his shit and telling NASA to go fuck themselves.
I mean, he is like You know, the best analogy I can think of is he's like an idiot in charge of a spaceship, but that is not an analogy, that is just a fact.
a minute.
Judd said what to NASA? He told NASA that we don't need them.
Oh, shitting aunts! Oh, this is - Where is he now? - In the kitchen.
RYAN: Is he? Oh, that's good.
Maybe he's climbing into a freezer and hoping to wait the whole thing out.
He wants the menu to reflect stress eating.
It's a boom time.
RYAN: Billie.
Do you wanna It sucks that there are no foods that begin with J.
- There are.
- Name one.
Not a proper J.
So, I hear that NASA extended a hand and you shat in it.
You wanna just take me through the thought process there? 'Cause that's sounds like a bad idea.
(CHUCKLES) It's a really bad idea.
I don't have any bad ideas apart from hiring him.
I think if you put your brain up against NASA's, you come up a bit fucking short.
- Very short.
- JUDD: First of all, I have a much greater social media presence than NASA does.
Second, don't you ever talk to me like that again, unless you do it in proper English, which is American.
I can't do this much longer.
I can't.
JUDD: Well, you don't have to because we're gonna be gone in six months.
What if we - Here we go.
- slingshot around Joe's coffin? Really? Really? Just stop suggesting things you don't understand.
That's gonna be really hard for me to do, because I understand everything! All things! I'm the alpha and the beta! I know so much! So much! It's "omega.
Not "welcome.
" Less jaunty word than "welcome.
" We are here to say goodbye to three great friends.
Mary, Johann, and Mar Um Another Mary.
Let us bid them au revoir.
Not that, I mean, uh Bon voyage.
In the name of all of us, we do thus dispatch these herein to the deep and who knows? Who knows? - (DEVICE BEEPS) - Drop the coffin.
(MACHINE WHIRS) Great, keep me posted on that.
Gravity reset in one minute.
- Do Avenue 5 know? - Uh - Space is a vacuum.
- Oh.
That means that a piano falls at the same rate as a feather or a baby girl.
Ladies and gentlemen, this might seem like we're just sending these bodies scrunched up, dead in a box, out into space.
It might seem random, pointless without redeeming value.
You are getting confused with gravity and mass.
They're the same.
- No, they are not.
And you know how I know that? - (RYAN STUTTERS) Because they're two different words.
Maybe Maybe Maybe we just calm this down.
Maybe we ramp it the fuck up.
(GRUNTS) - Oh, Christ, I hate space.
- (JUDD GRUNTS) Mission control must have reset the gravity.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Gravity reset in 30 seconds.
Fix that delay.
(ALL GROAN) Oh, for fuck's sake! I so hate gravity, too.
- You wanna sing? - No! All right, people.
Details to me, please.
- DOUG: Sorry.
I'm gonna go do a full inventory of human damage.
Frank, speak up, I can't hear you.
- Zombies! - (SCREAMING) Zombies! Okay, those aren't zombies.
Those are just the dismembered corpses of our dead friends.
Oh, shit, an arm! An elbow! Keep listing body parts, that'll fix it.
A hand! All right! No more will we be treated like cattle if anyone can remember them.
My grandfather ran a dairy farm - Hey! - Oh, really? - There you go.
You all right? - Thank you.
(RYAN EXHALES) I really thought we were gonna turn a corner today, but now we got Tutankhamen Joe and three giant fucking packed lunches circling the ship.
Together, we start to fight back! - Yes! - (CHEERING) - Come on! Right? - Eat the rich! No, not that.
Come on, who's with me? (CHEERING) - Open a file on Karen Kelly.
- ALL (CHANTING): Karen! No, they're turning a corner.
A never-ending one.
belt ballsing this up right now.
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey! How's it going? (GRUNTS) Iris, come find me.
I'm in chickens.
ALL: (CHANTING) Karen! - (DEVICE BEEPS) - IRIS: Fact check how long dictatorships last after the first bout of chanting.
(CHANTING CONTINUES) - (DEVICE BEEPS) - Also, ask Mission Control what the fuck is going on with the gravity.
Pull through, Iris.
Pull through.
(MUSIC PLAYS) HERMAN JUDD: I need more brains around the table.
Last time I left you to solve the problem, I looked outside my window and saw three dead customers waving back at me.
Well, they weren't waving.
Worm holes.
- I miss dogs barking.
- I can't do this anymore! You speak passenger.
Maybe you and I can talk about how we could harness those people-wrangling skills.
Look, I should make it clear that coitus is not on the menu.
That's a very odd menu.
But sure, absolutely.
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