Back in Very Small Business (2018) s01e04 Episode Script
Litigating Circumstances
Are you across this bloody Yaytionery product recall? - Which one? - The pineapple rubbers.
You know this doesn't change anything.
Beg yours? We're still gonna do the class action.
What class action? I'm thinking we need a major travel vibe for this first post.
Check it! The Ammo's on Buzzfeed.
"Ten reasons why you need to strap on Coco's Ammo belt.
" We've made it.
There he is! It's my small businessman of the year.
Put your wetsuit on, Sammy, it is time to ride the wave.
Hi, guys, like thousands of other switched-on fashion goddesses, I've been wearing my Ammo belt for the last few weeks.
- Who is she? - I don't know.
She just tagged Brrr! She's that chick from What's she on again? - The Voice.
That's Sasha.
- Sasha.
Total basic hopped-on-board- the-Ammo-train, you're welcome.
I'm super blessed.
I'm actually in Cambodia right now, volunteering for an orphanage, and the orphanage just so happens to be a few metres away from the factory where the Ammo is made.
Now, the women in here work 12-hour shifts, six days a week for a grand total of $80 a month.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Calm down, Father Teresa.
Codes, you need to get Larp on the phone and tell him that's totally unacceptable.
No civilians in the work room because we really don't need this nonsense on Facebook.
Yeah, I don't know if I can get him to do that.
Listen, mate, the Greens go apeshit for this sort of thing.
They like to pretend their iPhones are handmade at a farmers' market.
Don! And also, tell Larp to separate the work room from the lunch room.
OK What? - Get the chooks out.
- Oh, right.
Don! I've got your pineapple.
Celeste, I asked you for two things, a pineapple .
.
and my dry cleaning.
Which do you think is more pressing? I'll be right back.
Don, there there's a bit more of the video - I really think you should see.
- Yeah, just hang on.
Ashley? Remind me of where we're going.
Court.
No, how many times We're trying to avoid court, mediation, so we can settle this bloody class action with the parents of the kids you poisoned.
- Mediation.
- So what are you wearing? What are YOU wearing? Celeste! - Olivia.
- Yep? Could you please take Ashley into the warehouse and pick out a dress from the Brrr! stock.
- Yuck! - No worries, Don.
- Cody, play the rest of it.
- OK.
I'm so ashamed that by wearing my Ammo I've caused so much suffering for the poor people of Cambodia.
So I've decided to make this Third World problem a First World problem.
Which is I now don't have a belt.
Well, she's not getting a refund.
I mean, should we be worried about this? Of course we should.
It's appalling.
No, no, no, I mean this hashtag, flammoyourammo? Nup.
It's only got 750 views and it's been up for three hours.
She's lame.
- Even so, Codester, get on to Larp.
- Mm? That Ammo belt is our golden goose and we don't want it cooked over the flames of itself.
Celeste, did you give Don the letter from the ASB? Ooh, ASB.
Remind me? The Advertising Standards Bureau about Don's Dirty Dog Wash.
What's happened? Have we won an award? The ASB handle complaints from the public.
We've been accused of breaching community standards because somebody finds the fornicating dogs logo "morally repugnant, and it is deeply upsetting that they are making "the beloved family pet do a lewd and disgusting act.
" What, so Now the act of lovemaking is politically incorrect, is it? Do dogs actually make love? Well, who are we to judge, Ray? Tell them to get fucked.
And show them the logo for how to do it.
Well, our written response is due today, I've gotta pick up the new trailer and take it to Bacchus Marsh.
And I have to fend off a lynch mob of angry parents.
You own 50% of the business, why do I get 100% of the shit jobs? Why don't I call and get an extension? So, it's the Australian Advertising.
It's written down here.
Thanks, Celeste, that would be great.
Don, is this a good time to get your pineapple? - Yes.
- (CHUCKLES) - Where's bloody Ashley? - SAM: Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Is that a good shit or a bad shit? - I'd take either right now.
- It's nothing.
Whoa, Sammy, are you looking at Coco? - Our Coco? - 100%, Don, our Coco.
- Have you seen what Coco did? - What did Coco do? She burned her Ammo.
Coco, who we're paying 40 grand to flog the Ammo has burned the Ammo? I've deleted it.
Coco, what the fuck! Do not post another thing.
I don't care what Clay says.
No.
Your brand will be fine.
- Her brand? What about Brrr!? - (PHONE RINGS) Is that Larp? Sorted? - I'm working on it.
- I can swing this around with a few posts.
Don't touch your account until I do.
Sam, you had better put that fire out, literally and .
.
the other one.
I don't want my cash cow slaughtered.
- Ashley! - What? Much better.
Let's go.
My name's Anna O'Brien.
I'm acting on behalf of the parents representing here by Tim and Amanda in the class action against Yaytionery Stationery.
Don Angel, Anna, founder World Wide Business - I'll do this bit.
- Oh look out, I've been told.
Have you come up against Sandi Limoncello before? Don is the CEO of the World Wide Business Group - And founder.
- Yeah, you said that.
Oh, sorry, boss.
She does not muck around, does she, huh? And this is Ashley Piper, CEO of Yaytionery Stationery.
Yeah, we met already at your house.
I gave you that gift basket.
Which is not an admission of guilt, by the way.
We didn't interpret a cushion and a roll of toilet paper as an admission of guilt.
- OK, if I could just start by say - What are you wearing? What's What's that jacket? Sandi made me put it on.
If I could just start by saying that my clients are keen to progress a reasonable resolution to this dispute that's fair to both of them and of course, the 13 complainants.
Oh, actually, due to the ineptitude of your product recall, that figure has climbed.
- How many now? - 17.
Oh, you scared me.
Could have been much worse.
- Give it time.
- Not at her hourly rate.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, which prick's this? I told my PA to redirect my calls but it's in one ear and .
.
out the same ear.
Doesn't even make the trip across her brain.
- I'll blow this cracker off.
- I may just have to take this briefly.
The cowhide chairs are going off.
I've got pre-orders for 12.
I need them, and you, in the back of my shop now.
Well, that's ah, tremendous news, Ms Kovacec and, ah, as much as I'd like to satisfy your desire - for more of my product - Bad time? Yes, but while I have you, if you'll pardon the expression, how many of my goods would you say I supply to your chain of, ah, of boutiques? A couple of hundred? Nah 20? Oh, OK.
You you're talking per month, per shop.
And how many of those products have ever been faulty or dangerous, please, Ms Kovacec? - I don't think any have, have they? - None.
She said none, so Yeah, you do realise I'm charging you $550 an hour? - Babe, what's - The point I was making, though, is that we have a 100% impeccable record of product safety a fair bit of the time.
Sadly, though, that other bit of the time, you sell toxic pineapple-scented rubbers that have left children dangerously ill.
We believe, due to the pain and suffering that our 17 clients have endured that it's not unreasonable to apply for damages in the order of $4 million.
That's coming out of your wages.
(PHONE RINGS) Yes, Celeste? Hi, Ray, just letting you know I've spoken with lovely Brad at the Advertising Standards Bureau.
- Lovely Brad? - Yes, he was just delightful.
- Celeste? - Oh, one thing at a time, Sam.
Sorry, Ray.
Where was I? - Lovely Brad.
- Yes.
He was very understanding and happy to grant an extension.
You're a treasure, Celeste.
So we've got till 5:30 tonight.
Right.
It's an extra half an hour.
- OK.
- I rode him pretty hard, Ray.
- (CHUCKLES) - No, I can imagine.
Thank you, Celeste.
Leave it with me.
Hey, Ray, listen.
I had an idea.
I thought it'd be funny to add some hydraulics so the dog moves in and out and we'll see a couple of inches of his cock, right? - Now I haven't done that - I think that's good judgement.
.
.
but I've costed it for you .
.
in case you wanna go ahead.
Imagine the reaction you'd get.
I don't think she's posted anything else, Sam.
I love the one with Clay and the bubba.
Aren't they cute in their overalls? Ah, here we go.
"We'd love for Coco to be the face of our new blood donor campaign.
" That was five weeks ago, but hit up the Red Cross and say she'll do it.
Red Cross.
Wasn't there one about a sleep-out for homeless people? I think they sleep out every night.
A celebrity sleep-out.
Got it! St Vinnie's.
Say she'll do that too.
Just to be clear, Sam, these are for free.
I know, it sucks, but it's the only way to get Coco not looking like a bitch for wearing a belt made in a sweatshop.
(MOBILE CHIRPS) Oh, fuck off! Not you, Celeste, Clay.
- Public statement.
What are you, the Clooneys? - I like the Clooneys.
I like her.
She really settled George down, didn't she? Yeah.
I wonder why everyone's burning their Ammos? (LAUGHS) He was such a rogue before she came along.
She's not answering.
If she dares say another word I gotta bounce.
(CODY GROANS AND PANTS) Let's do it.
Come on.
Gotta figure this out.
(GROANS) Going on Ninja Warrior? (PANTS) It's, ah, adrenaline management.
A technique for coping with extreme stress in the field.
Can you please stop? You're making me feel fat.
Don gave me very, very clear orders today, get Larp to stop civilians going in his factory so the Ammo sales don't dry up, and I - .
.
I can't do it.
- On principle, you mean? No, because a journalist offered Larp a thousand bucks to get in.
- Dude, seriously? - Yes.
- Offer him $2,000.
- Oh.
Can you do that? Is that allowed? Kim .
.
can you give Cody 2K so that he can do quality control in Cambodia? - Don said so.
- Sure, I can authorise that.
- Thank you.
- Bro, you you are awesome! You have just saved my bacon.
- Oh! (CHUCKLES) No.
- Yes.
Yes.
OK, I was incredible.
How about taking me to lunch? You're on.
I'll tell Larp the good news.
SANDI: Let's be real, we all know you're gonna have to come down from $4 million.
To somewhere closer to nought.
We accept that some distress has occurred, - but we believe it to be minimal.
- Minimal? Well, a trip in an ambulance and a few days off school Sounds pretty cool.
Your kids should be giving us money.
What about the That's offensive.
What about the hospital stay? The medical bills? We don't accept causal connection and "If something smells of fruit, it doesn't mean it is fruit.
"Do they drink lemon dishwashing liquid too?" So we are "And with parents like this, "is it any wonder we have an obesity epidemic?" OK, so perhaps we should just thrash this out between ourselves.
You sure you're going to be OK without your notes? Don, you and Ashley can wait outside.
No worries.
Ah, look, if I could just make a short um, presentation before I go.
- Is that your signature? - That's right.
Take a good look at it because you won't be seeing it on any of my cheques.
Now, if I could just conduct a very small experiment just to see if a pineapple can remove pencil, yeah? OK, so How's that looking? No.
Oh, ah, alright, I'll, ah, I'll give it another go, yeah? No! Can't seem to remove it with the old pineapple.
But you know what? I didn't think I could.
Because I don't expect to be able to use fruit as an eraser.
And I don't expect to be able to use an eraser as fruit.
Fuck! Heads up.
And I fail to see how I can be held accountable if this simple distinction is beyond your clients', with respect, banjo-playing children.
I think the real question we need to be asking here is what were you anti-vaxxer numbnuts doing when you should have been watching your children eat my rubber.
Yeah, OK, Don, if you could leave.
Are you sure? I think we're pretty powerful as a team.
Oh, yeah, I'll I'll sing out if I need you.
(RINGS BELL) Oh, come on! Come on.
You're holding your phone! Why haven't you been answering my calls? Tell me you didn't make any statement to anybody about the Ammo.
Coco, you haven't spoken to anyone, have you? - Where's Clay? - He's gone.
- Gone where? - I don't know.
- He just packed a bag.
- What are you talking about? He said that I'd caused irreparable damage to our brand.
Are you serious? I told you, I'm fixing that.
I'll talk to him.
It'll be fine.
It won't.
Didn't you see his Insta? - What? No.
- He posted that he left me.
No way.
Nobody puts that shit on Instagram He's got 80,000 likes.
I know! How can people like that we've split up? Yeah.
How can they? (TRUCK HONKS HORN) (CAR HONKS HORN) Get a dog up ya! Thank you.
(PHONE RINGS) (MESSAGE BEEPS) Hi, Celeste, can you call me back? I think I'm gonna need to dictate this letter to you for the Advertising Standards crowd, I think.
MAN: Doggy style! Thank you.
Seven of those medical reports talk about the requirement for ongoing monitoring because of the risk of organ damage showing up down the track.
Who's Are you right? Ah, can I see those reports, please? Who's Olivia Newton-John? Our Livvy? What's happened? She flammoed her Ammo and the internet's freaking out.
Are you serious? Ohh! I loved her.
I honestly loved her.
Who else is burning them? Pope Francis? Bambi? Get Cody on the line and ask for an Ammo sales update please, Ashley.
Do you have his number? Can you do anything? Ask Celeste to put you through.
Fine.
What happened to stopping the social media shit storm? I'm on it! Well, I'm covered in it from head to toe, Sammy.
Would you chill? - I'm working on something.
- I've got Cody.
What's he saying? No new sales, 300 refund requests and a bomb threat.
You have GOT to be joking me.
Did you hear that, Samantha? That-that was the sound of an arse dropping out of a golden goose.
The Ammo is fucked and it's all Coco's fault.
Coco WAS the goose that laid the golden egg, now now she's just a goose with egg on her face.
She's she's laid a big egg on her face.
- A goose egg.
- Have you finished?! No, but she is.
- Cut her loose.
Cut the goose loose.
- Nup.
I can still make her work as an influencer.
Samantha, the only thing she is influencing is my bank account.
Negatively.
We should be suing her.
Well, can we make that Plan B? Because apparently, you can just pluck a number out of your arse and say, "Oh, I'll have that much, thanks.
" We could be taking Coco to the cleaners after what she did to us.
Listen, you dick, she made you 600K, and she will again with something else, if you let me do my job! (PHONE DISCONNECTS) Oh, OK, Bye.
(SIGHS) Excuse me, sorry, guys, Anna, just quickly, no.
Whatever cosy little deal you've got on the table, no.
No, no, no.
That number you plucked out has to be shoved right back in.
OK.
Excuse me, Anna.
I am trying to save you several million dollars and you Can you get off my jacket? We're right at the pointy end, Don, I've got her down to $1.
5 $1.
5 million is not the pointy end.
That is the fat, lumpy, dull end.
We started at zero.
We started at $4 million.
I I'm not paying anything.
- You poisoned 17 kids.
- She did.
OK, just You know what? Give me a reasonable figure.
$1.
2 million.
None point no million.
OK, we'll go to court.
You know my hourly rate's higher there, yeah? It would be cheaper to get my plumber to do my legal work and that is saying something.
Can I have the jacket back? My bum's cold.
Will you shut up! Alright.
- $1,500.
- More than $500,000.
Ah, $500,001.
- My God, I'll offer $600,000.
- (SIGHS) Another classic example of the burdens placed on the backs of small business in this country.
I I need a fiscal chiropractor.
Do I get penalty rates for being here today? LESLIE: You've hardly touched your chicken.
I shouldn't have ordered the flame grilled.
Like I need something else on fire right now.
- Do you want to try my tofu? - No, I'm depressed enough already.
Yeah, 14:00 hours and zero orders.
- Don'll get over it.
- I don't know.
Ashley said he was furious.
What happened with the Ammo is not your fault.
It was 100% my fault.
You didn't organise the Third World labour.
I organised Larp.
Anyway, it's a good thing those people aren't being exploited anymore.
Yeah, well, you say exploited, but those people, they're not being paid anymore.
Well, that's the other way to look at it, isn't it? You know they were earning $80 a month.
It's disgraceful, isn't it? No, but their families can survive on that.
Yeah, it's disgraceful they can survive on it.
I don't know how you can eat that stuff.
You can fight in Afghanistan but you can't try tofu? - Every man has his limits.
- Does he? OK.
I'll try anything once.
That's not disgusting.
That's a start.
- This will make you feel better.
- Thanks.
I'm just in shock, I think.
You didn't look at the comments, did you? What comments? I thought that's what you No, nothing.
On Clay's Insta post? What are people saying? No way.
- I wanna see.
- You really don't.
It's all bullshit.
Like, you did not split up because you had an affair.
What? Did Clay say that? No! But because you haven't said anything, you know, he looks innocent and you look Are you cold? Did that ice-cream make you chilly? I haven't done anything.
- I have to answer these comments.
- Absolutely not.
Babe, you do not get down in the weeds, do you hear me? Where's that big, fluffy, white jumper you got? Remember you were sent those pieces? Was it from New Zealand Wool? I don't know.
All of the free stuff is in the spare room.
But .
.
I can't just sit here and let people think I've been unfaithful.
Like, they should hear my side of the story too.
Commenting on comments is base, honey, and you know it.
Then I should do my own Insta post.
What?! Your own Insta post about the break-up? - Yeah, I have to.
- OK.
If you think that's the right thing to do.
RAY: Yours sincerely, blah, blah.
I might get you to read that back from the top, if you don't mind.
Oh.
Yeah, alright.
"To whom it may concern, "Don's Dirty Dog Wash Pty Ltd "vehemently denies that its popular and fun dog wash logo "breaches community standards of decency.
"Our defence rests primarily on our contention "that community standards of decency "currently reside at an all-time low.
(CAR HORN HONKS) "As an example, may we direct your attention to Dating Naked, "a television program in which people attempt to form relationships "with complete strangers in the nude.
"Furthermore, the activity depicted in our logo is a perfectly natural "and sometimes enjoyable act "that one would see frequently on the Discovery Channel, "or for really hardcore stuff, on the dark web.
" That was a joke, Celeste.
Please take out the hardcore bit.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry, Ray.
Sometimes it's hard to tell.
"Additionally, the logo clearly depicts an attempt "to stop the intercourse "with a bucket of water being thrown on the canines in coitus.
"We trust this sausages any concerns and look forward to your response.
" Tremendous.
I just think your predictive text may have changed "assuages" to "sausages".
Oh, it did too.
Can you get that off now, Celeste? I have to go.
Look at that.
$765,000.
$760.
why are we high-fiving? I just knocked more than 75% off their claim.
Did you throw in my pineapple? SAM: I think this is so empowering.
- Does this look OK? - Oh, my God! How do you make a break-up look adorable? Yeah, that's really nice.
You're gonna make relationships bust up just so girls can look like this.
OK, let's grab a few.
Yeah, look out to the side.
Suck on the spoon? Mm, yeah, that's tight.
And now give me big, sad eyes.
Give me little lost puppy.
You're shattered.
Your dreams are shattered.
The man you love has walked out on you.
Your life is fucked.
Oh, that's awesome, babe.
I'm gonna whack this on story, so keep the tears going for a sec.
Don't wipe them.
Leave them! And cut.
- I can't just cut.
This is for real! - I know.
Exactly.
And everyone should see the real you, right? Not the you according to Clay.
Oh, wow, that is amaze.
The melancholy look really works for me, doesn't it? And for everyone else.
Check your phone.
80 likes in 20 seconds.
Sam, thank you so much.
Of course.
Sisters.
150 likes.
- 400 likes.
- - 600 likes.
Sam, are you seeing this? - - Yup.
- Litigation is the biggest ticket clipper in this country.
You try to grow the economy, nurture it, water it, a bit of Seasol and the slugs of litigation slither in and eat it.
People just .
.
just wanna blame someone else.
I can't believe Coco went rogue on you.
No.
Well, that's a separate issue and Sammy's got that under control, she's rebranding Coco.
Yeah, but hasn't the Ammo stopped selling? That does not faze me at all, Bridget, it really, really doesn't.
It's actually not that hard to make something go viral.
- Mm.
- Cats can do it.
- So how much did you lose? - Oh, swings and roundabouts.
Bridget, can you just rub my bowel? No! Yuck! So let me get this straight, you lost in court and you lost the Ammo and your premium influencer turned against you and (FARTS) Did you just fart? I thought we were at that stage.
We will never be at that stage.
That stinks! Why are you being such a drainer? Well, excuse me for trying to be close to you.
I was just looking for a sympathetic ear.
Or hand.
I'm not your wife.
Actually, I just need to follow up on the cowhide chairs and where your orders are at please, Bridget.
- Why, have they arrived? - Yes.
I don't know.
But I need to get onto that ASAP because obviously we need that to happen.
I'll be in touch when I have the chairs.
Bye-bye now.
Say franchi-cheese! ALL: Franchi-cheese! Ah, terrific.
Ah, could we get another one, Ray? Bit of a fun one? - Oh, OK.
- Kids, get the bucket.
OK, we all in? Yep.
Good? Hello.
You guys eaten? Raymondo opolous.
I thought you were seeing Bridget tonight.
Well, I thought it was time to put my foot down, Ray, and say, "No, I want a night with the boys.
" I'm making bouillabaisse.
You ah, wanna bulk it up a bit with some barbecue ribs? It's a fish stew.
Surf and turf? Sure.
Everything OK? Living the dream, Ray.
With Bridget, I mean.
Yeah, totally.
I just needed a break from her, you know, emotional stuff.
Switch off, kick back with the boys, maybe watch a bit of NCIS or CSI.
Whoa, have you seen Celeste on Facebook? Hashtag #flammoyourammo.
Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm not back on the market.
Clay and I Clay and I got back together.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's OK.
RAY: Is Cody gay? OLIVIA: Ah, no.
Could he be bisexual? No! Cody can't multi-task.
YVONNE: Welcome to being a parent, an actual parent instead of a politically correct yes-man.
My cowhide chairs.
Where are they? MAN: I shipped them two week ago! It's a nationwide strike, so you're not going to get your chairs today, mate, I'm sorry.
- CELESTE: What happened? - Union thuggery.
What is the strike actually about? Ah, some shit about foreign workers being exploited or something.
(GROANS)
You know this doesn't change anything.
Beg yours? We're still gonna do the class action.
What class action? I'm thinking we need a major travel vibe for this first post.
Check it! The Ammo's on Buzzfeed.
"Ten reasons why you need to strap on Coco's Ammo belt.
" We've made it.
There he is! It's my small businessman of the year.
Put your wetsuit on, Sammy, it is time to ride the wave.
Hi, guys, like thousands of other switched-on fashion goddesses, I've been wearing my Ammo belt for the last few weeks.
- Who is she? - I don't know.
She just tagged Brrr! She's that chick from What's she on again? - The Voice.
That's Sasha.
- Sasha.
Total basic hopped-on-board- the-Ammo-train, you're welcome.
I'm super blessed.
I'm actually in Cambodia right now, volunteering for an orphanage, and the orphanage just so happens to be a few metres away from the factory where the Ammo is made.
Now, the women in here work 12-hour shifts, six days a week for a grand total of $80 a month.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Calm down, Father Teresa.
Codes, you need to get Larp on the phone and tell him that's totally unacceptable.
No civilians in the work room because we really don't need this nonsense on Facebook.
Yeah, I don't know if I can get him to do that.
Listen, mate, the Greens go apeshit for this sort of thing.
They like to pretend their iPhones are handmade at a farmers' market.
Don! And also, tell Larp to separate the work room from the lunch room.
OK What? - Get the chooks out.
- Oh, right.
Don! I've got your pineapple.
Celeste, I asked you for two things, a pineapple .
.
and my dry cleaning.
Which do you think is more pressing? I'll be right back.
Don, there there's a bit more of the video - I really think you should see.
- Yeah, just hang on.
Ashley? Remind me of where we're going.
Court.
No, how many times We're trying to avoid court, mediation, so we can settle this bloody class action with the parents of the kids you poisoned.
- Mediation.
- So what are you wearing? What are YOU wearing? Celeste! - Olivia.
- Yep? Could you please take Ashley into the warehouse and pick out a dress from the Brrr! stock.
- Yuck! - No worries, Don.
- Cody, play the rest of it.
- OK.
I'm so ashamed that by wearing my Ammo I've caused so much suffering for the poor people of Cambodia.
So I've decided to make this Third World problem a First World problem.
Which is I now don't have a belt.
Well, she's not getting a refund.
I mean, should we be worried about this? Of course we should.
It's appalling.
No, no, no, I mean this hashtag, flammoyourammo? Nup.
It's only got 750 views and it's been up for three hours.
She's lame.
- Even so, Codester, get on to Larp.
- Mm? That Ammo belt is our golden goose and we don't want it cooked over the flames of itself.
Celeste, did you give Don the letter from the ASB? Ooh, ASB.
Remind me? The Advertising Standards Bureau about Don's Dirty Dog Wash.
What's happened? Have we won an award? The ASB handle complaints from the public.
We've been accused of breaching community standards because somebody finds the fornicating dogs logo "morally repugnant, and it is deeply upsetting that they are making "the beloved family pet do a lewd and disgusting act.
" What, so Now the act of lovemaking is politically incorrect, is it? Do dogs actually make love? Well, who are we to judge, Ray? Tell them to get fucked.
And show them the logo for how to do it.
Well, our written response is due today, I've gotta pick up the new trailer and take it to Bacchus Marsh.
And I have to fend off a lynch mob of angry parents.
You own 50% of the business, why do I get 100% of the shit jobs? Why don't I call and get an extension? So, it's the Australian Advertising.
It's written down here.
Thanks, Celeste, that would be great.
Don, is this a good time to get your pineapple? - Yes.
- (CHUCKLES) - Where's bloody Ashley? - SAM: Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Is that a good shit or a bad shit? - I'd take either right now.
- It's nothing.
Whoa, Sammy, are you looking at Coco? - Our Coco? - 100%, Don, our Coco.
- Have you seen what Coco did? - What did Coco do? She burned her Ammo.
Coco, who we're paying 40 grand to flog the Ammo has burned the Ammo? I've deleted it.
Coco, what the fuck! Do not post another thing.
I don't care what Clay says.
No.
Your brand will be fine.
- Her brand? What about Brrr!? - (PHONE RINGS) Is that Larp? Sorted? - I'm working on it.
- I can swing this around with a few posts.
Don't touch your account until I do.
Sam, you had better put that fire out, literally and .
.
the other one.
I don't want my cash cow slaughtered.
- Ashley! - What? Much better.
Let's go.
My name's Anna O'Brien.
I'm acting on behalf of the parents representing here by Tim and Amanda in the class action against Yaytionery Stationery.
Don Angel, Anna, founder World Wide Business - I'll do this bit.
- Oh look out, I've been told.
Have you come up against Sandi Limoncello before? Don is the CEO of the World Wide Business Group - And founder.
- Yeah, you said that.
Oh, sorry, boss.
She does not muck around, does she, huh? And this is Ashley Piper, CEO of Yaytionery Stationery.
Yeah, we met already at your house.
I gave you that gift basket.
Which is not an admission of guilt, by the way.
We didn't interpret a cushion and a roll of toilet paper as an admission of guilt.
- OK, if I could just start by say - What are you wearing? What's What's that jacket? Sandi made me put it on.
If I could just start by saying that my clients are keen to progress a reasonable resolution to this dispute that's fair to both of them and of course, the 13 complainants.
Oh, actually, due to the ineptitude of your product recall, that figure has climbed.
- How many now? - 17.
Oh, you scared me.
Could have been much worse.
- Give it time.
- Not at her hourly rate.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, which prick's this? I told my PA to redirect my calls but it's in one ear and .
.
out the same ear.
Doesn't even make the trip across her brain.
- I'll blow this cracker off.
- I may just have to take this briefly.
The cowhide chairs are going off.
I've got pre-orders for 12.
I need them, and you, in the back of my shop now.
Well, that's ah, tremendous news, Ms Kovacec and, ah, as much as I'd like to satisfy your desire - for more of my product - Bad time? Yes, but while I have you, if you'll pardon the expression, how many of my goods would you say I supply to your chain of, ah, of boutiques? A couple of hundred? Nah 20? Oh, OK.
You you're talking per month, per shop.
And how many of those products have ever been faulty or dangerous, please, Ms Kovacec? - I don't think any have, have they? - None.
She said none, so Yeah, you do realise I'm charging you $550 an hour? - Babe, what's - The point I was making, though, is that we have a 100% impeccable record of product safety a fair bit of the time.
Sadly, though, that other bit of the time, you sell toxic pineapple-scented rubbers that have left children dangerously ill.
We believe, due to the pain and suffering that our 17 clients have endured that it's not unreasonable to apply for damages in the order of $4 million.
That's coming out of your wages.
(PHONE RINGS) Yes, Celeste? Hi, Ray, just letting you know I've spoken with lovely Brad at the Advertising Standards Bureau.
- Lovely Brad? - Yes, he was just delightful.
- Celeste? - Oh, one thing at a time, Sam.
Sorry, Ray.
Where was I? - Lovely Brad.
- Yes.
He was very understanding and happy to grant an extension.
You're a treasure, Celeste.
So we've got till 5:30 tonight.
Right.
It's an extra half an hour.
- OK.
- I rode him pretty hard, Ray.
- (CHUCKLES) - No, I can imagine.
Thank you, Celeste.
Leave it with me.
Hey, Ray, listen.
I had an idea.
I thought it'd be funny to add some hydraulics so the dog moves in and out and we'll see a couple of inches of his cock, right? - Now I haven't done that - I think that's good judgement.
.
.
but I've costed it for you .
.
in case you wanna go ahead.
Imagine the reaction you'd get.
I don't think she's posted anything else, Sam.
I love the one with Clay and the bubba.
Aren't they cute in their overalls? Ah, here we go.
"We'd love for Coco to be the face of our new blood donor campaign.
" That was five weeks ago, but hit up the Red Cross and say she'll do it.
Red Cross.
Wasn't there one about a sleep-out for homeless people? I think they sleep out every night.
A celebrity sleep-out.
Got it! St Vinnie's.
Say she'll do that too.
Just to be clear, Sam, these are for free.
I know, it sucks, but it's the only way to get Coco not looking like a bitch for wearing a belt made in a sweatshop.
(MOBILE CHIRPS) Oh, fuck off! Not you, Celeste, Clay.
- Public statement.
What are you, the Clooneys? - I like the Clooneys.
I like her.
She really settled George down, didn't she? Yeah.
I wonder why everyone's burning their Ammos? (LAUGHS) He was such a rogue before she came along.
She's not answering.
If she dares say another word I gotta bounce.
(CODY GROANS AND PANTS) Let's do it.
Come on.
Gotta figure this out.
(GROANS) Going on Ninja Warrior? (PANTS) It's, ah, adrenaline management.
A technique for coping with extreme stress in the field.
Can you please stop? You're making me feel fat.
Don gave me very, very clear orders today, get Larp to stop civilians going in his factory so the Ammo sales don't dry up, and I - .
.
I can't do it.
- On principle, you mean? No, because a journalist offered Larp a thousand bucks to get in.
- Dude, seriously? - Yes.
- Offer him $2,000.
- Oh.
Can you do that? Is that allowed? Kim .
.
can you give Cody 2K so that he can do quality control in Cambodia? - Don said so.
- Sure, I can authorise that.
- Thank you.
- Bro, you you are awesome! You have just saved my bacon.
- Oh! (CHUCKLES) No.
- Yes.
Yes.
OK, I was incredible.
How about taking me to lunch? You're on.
I'll tell Larp the good news.
SANDI: Let's be real, we all know you're gonna have to come down from $4 million.
To somewhere closer to nought.
We accept that some distress has occurred, - but we believe it to be minimal.
- Minimal? Well, a trip in an ambulance and a few days off school Sounds pretty cool.
Your kids should be giving us money.
What about the That's offensive.
What about the hospital stay? The medical bills? We don't accept causal connection and "If something smells of fruit, it doesn't mean it is fruit.
"Do they drink lemon dishwashing liquid too?" So we are "And with parents like this, "is it any wonder we have an obesity epidemic?" OK, so perhaps we should just thrash this out between ourselves.
You sure you're going to be OK without your notes? Don, you and Ashley can wait outside.
No worries.
Ah, look, if I could just make a short um, presentation before I go.
- Is that your signature? - That's right.
Take a good look at it because you won't be seeing it on any of my cheques.
Now, if I could just conduct a very small experiment just to see if a pineapple can remove pencil, yeah? OK, so How's that looking? No.
Oh, ah, alright, I'll, ah, I'll give it another go, yeah? No! Can't seem to remove it with the old pineapple.
But you know what? I didn't think I could.
Because I don't expect to be able to use fruit as an eraser.
And I don't expect to be able to use an eraser as fruit.
Fuck! Heads up.
And I fail to see how I can be held accountable if this simple distinction is beyond your clients', with respect, banjo-playing children.
I think the real question we need to be asking here is what were you anti-vaxxer numbnuts doing when you should have been watching your children eat my rubber.
Yeah, OK, Don, if you could leave.
Are you sure? I think we're pretty powerful as a team.
Oh, yeah, I'll I'll sing out if I need you.
(RINGS BELL) Oh, come on! Come on.
You're holding your phone! Why haven't you been answering my calls? Tell me you didn't make any statement to anybody about the Ammo.
Coco, you haven't spoken to anyone, have you? - Where's Clay? - He's gone.
- Gone where? - I don't know.
- He just packed a bag.
- What are you talking about? He said that I'd caused irreparable damage to our brand.
Are you serious? I told you, I'm fixing that.
I'll talk to him.
It'll be fine.
It won't.
Didn't you see his Insta? - What? No.
- He posted that he left me.
No way.
Nobody puts that shit on Instagram He's got 80,000 likes.
I know! How can people like that we've split up? Yeah.
How can they? (TRUCK HONKS HORN) (CAR HONKS HORN) Get a dog up ya! Thank you.
(PHONE RINGS) (MESSAGE BEEPS) Hi, Celeste, can you call me back? I think I'm gonna need to dictate this letter to you for the Advertising Standards crowd, I think.
MAN: Doggy style! Thank you.
Seven of those medical reports talk about the requirement for ongoing monitoring because of the risk of organ damage showing up down the track.
Who's Are you right? Ah, can I see those reports, please? Who's Olivia Newton-John? Our Livvy? What's happened? She flammoed her Ammo and the internet's freaking out.
Are you serious? Ohh! I loved her.
I honestly loved her.
Who else is burning them? Pope Francis? Bambi? Get Cody on the line and ask for an Ammo sales update please, Ashley.
Do you have his number? Can you do anything? Ask Celeste to put you through.
Fine.
What happened to stopping the social media shit storm? I'm on it! Well, I'm covered in it from head to toe, Sammy.
Would you chill? - I'm working on something.
- I've got Cody.
What's he saying? No new sales, 300 refund requests and a bomb threat.
You have GOT to be joking me.
Did you hear that, Samantha? That-that was the sound of an arse dropping out of a golden goose.
The Ammo is fucked and it's all Coco's fault.
Coco WAS the goose that laid the golden egg, now now she's just a goose with egg on her face.
She's she's laid a big egg on her face.
- A goose egg.
- Have you finished?! No, but she is.
- Cut her loose.
Cut the goose loose.
- Nup.
I can still make her work as an influencer.
Samantha, the only thing she is influencing is my bank account.
Negatively.
We should be suing her.
Well, can we make that Plan B? Because apparently, you can just pluck a number out of your arse and say, "Oh, I'll have that much, thanks.
" We could be taking Coco to the cleaners after what she did to us.
Listen, you dick, she made you 600K, and she will again with something else, if you let me do my job! (PHONE DISCONNECTS) Oh, OK, Bye.
(SIGHS) Excuse me, sorry, guys, Anna, just quickly, no.
Whatever cosy little deal you've got on the table, no.
No, no, no.
That number you plucked out has to be shoved right back in.
OK.
Excuse me, Anna.
I am trying to save you several million dollars and you Can you get off my jacket? We're right at the pointy end, Don, I've got her down to $1.
5 $1.
5 million is not the pointy end.
That is the fat, lumpy, dull end.
We started at zero.
We started at $4 million.
I I'm not paying anything.
- You poisoned 17 kids.
- She did.
OK, just You know what? Give me a reasonable figure.
$1.
2 million.
None point no million.
OK, we'll go to court.
You know my hourly rate's higher there, yeah? It would be cheaper to get my plumber to do my legal work and that is saying something.
Can I have the jacket back? My bum's cold.
Will you shut up! Alright.
- $1,500.
- More than $500,000.
Ah, $500,001.
- My God, I'll offer $600,000.
- (SIGHS) Another classic example of the burdens placed on the backs of small business in this country.
I I need a fiscal chiropractor.
Do I get penalty rates for being here today? LESLIE: You've hardly touched your chicken.
I shouldn't have ordered the flame grilled.
Like I need something else on fire right now.
- Do you want to try my tofu? - No, I'm depressed enough already.
Yeah, 14:00 hours and zero orders.
- Don'll get over it.
- I don't know.
Ashley said he was furious.
What happened with the Ammo is not your fault.
It was 100% my fault.
You didn't organise the Third World labour.
I organised Larp.
Anyway, it's a good thing those people aren't being exploited anymore.
Yeah, well, you say exploited, but those people, they're not being paid anymore.
Well, that's the other way to look at it, isn't it? You know they were earning $80 a month.
It's disgraceful, isn't it? No, but their families can survive on that.
Yeah, it's disgraceful they can survive on it.
I don't know how you can eat that stuff.
You can fight in Afghanistan but you can't try tofu? - Every man has his limits.
- Does he? OK.
I'll try anything once.
That's not disgusting.
That's a start.
- This will make you feel better.
- Thanks.
I'm just in shock, I think.
You didn't look at the comments, did you? What comments? I thought that's what you No, nothing.
On Clay's Insta post? What are people saying? No way.
- I wanna see.
- You really don't.
It's all bullshit.
Like, you did not split up because you had an affair.
What? Did Clay say that? No! But because you haven't said anything, you know, he looks innocent and you look Are you cold? Did that ice-cream make you chilly? I haven't done anything.
- I have to answer these comments.
- Absolutely not.
Babe, you do not get down in the weeds, do you hear me? Where's that big, fluffy, white jumper you got? Remember you were sent those pieces? Was it from New Zealand Wool? I don't know.
All of the free stuff is in the spare room.
But .
.
I can't just sit here and let people think I've been unfaithful.
Like, they should hear my side of the story too.
Commenting on comments is base, honey, and you know it.
Then I should do my own Insta post.
What?! Your own Insta post about the break-up? - Yeah, I have to.
- OK.
If you think that's the right thing to do.
RAY: Yours sincerely, blah, blah.
I might get you to read that back from the top, if you don't mind.
Oh.
Yeah, alright.
"To whom it may concern, "Don's Dirty Dog Wash Pty Ltd "vehemently denies that its popular and fun dog wash logo "breaches community standards of decency.
"Our defence rests primarily on our contention "that community standards of decency "currently reside at an all-time low.
(CAR HORN HONKS) "As an example, may we direct your attention to Dating Naked, "a television program in which people attempt to form relationships "with complete strangers in the nude.
"Furthermore, the activity depicted in our logo is a perfectly natural "and sometimes enjoyable act "that one would see frequently on the Discovery Channel, "or for really hardcore stuff, on the dark web.
" That was a joke, Celeste.
Please take out the hardcore bit.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry, Ray.
Sometimes it's hard to tell.
"Additionally, the logo clearly depicts an attempt "to stop the intercourse "with a bucket of water being thrown on the canines in coitus.
"We trust this sausages any concerns and look forward to your response.
" Tremendous.
I just think your predictive text may have changed "assuages" to "sausages".
Oh, it did too.
Can you get that off now, Celeste? I have to go.
Look at that.
$765,000.
$760.
why are we high-fiving? I just knocked more than 75% off their claim.
Did you throw in my pineapple? SAM: I think this is so empowering.
- Does this look OK? - Oh, my God! How do you make a break-up look adorable? Yeah, that's really nice.
You're gonna make relationships bust up just so girls can look like this.
OK, let's grab a few.
Yeah, look out to the side.
Suck on the spoon? Mm, yeah, that's tight.
And now give me big, sad eyes.
Give me little lost puppy.
You're shattered.
Your dreams are shattered.
The man you love has walked out on you.
Your life is fucked.
Oh, that's awesome, babe.
I'm gonna whack this on story, so keep the tears going for a sec.
Don't wipe them.
Leave them! And cut.
- I can't just cut.
This is for real! - I know.
Exactly.
And everyone should see the real you, right? Not the you according to Clay.
Oh, wow, that is amaze.
The melancholy look really works for me, doesn't it? And for everyone else.
Check your phone.
80 likes in 20 seconds.
Sam, thank you so much.
Of course.
Sisters.
150 likes.
- 400 likes.
- - 600 likes.
Sam, are you seeing this? - - Yup.
- Litigation is the biggest ticket clipper in this country.
You try to grow the economy, nurture it, water it, a bit of Seasol and the slugs of litigation slither in and eat it.
People just .
.
just wanna blame someone else.
I can't believe Coco went rogue on you.
No.
Well, that's a separate issue and Sammy's got that under control, she's rebranding Coco.
Yeah, but hasn't the Ammo stopped selling? That does not faze me at all, Bridget, it really, really doesn't.
It's actually not that hard to make something go viral.
- Mm.
- Cats can do it.
- So how much did you lose? - Oh, swings and roundabouts.
Bridget, can you just rub my bowel? No! Yuck! So let me get this straight, you lost in court and you lost the Ammo and your premium influencer turned against you and (FARTS) Did you just fart? I thought we were at that stage.
We will never be at that stage.
That stinks! Why are you being such a drainer? Well, excuse me for trying to be close to you.
I was just looking for a sympathetic ear.
Or hand.
I'm not your wife.
Actually, I just need to follow up on the cowhide chairs and where your orders are at please, Bridget.
- Why, have they arrived? - Yes.
I don't know.
But I need to get onto that ASAP because obviously we need that to happen.
I'll be in touch when I have the chairs.
Bye-bye now.
Say franchi-cheese! ALL: Franchi-cheese! Ah, terrific.
Ah, could we get another one, Ray? Bit of a fun one? - Oh, OK.
- Kids, get the bucket.
OK, we all in? Yep.
Good? Hello.
You guys eaten? Raymondo opolous.
I thought you were seeing Bridget tonight.
Well, I thought it was time to put my foot down, Ray, and say, "No, I want a night with the boys.
" I'm making bouillabaisse.
You ah, wanna bulk it up a bit with some barbecue ribs? It's a fish stew.
Surf and turf? Sure.
Everything OK? Living the dream, Ray.
With Bridget, I mean.
Yeah, totally.
I just needed a break from her, you know, emotional stuff.
Switch off, kick back with the boys, maybe watch a bit of NCIS or CSI.
Whoa, have you seen Celeste on Facebook? Hashtag #flammoyourammo.
Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm not back on the market.
Clay and I Clay and I got back together.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's OK.
RAY: Is Cody gay? OLIVIA: Ah, no.
Could he be bisexual? No! Cody can't multi-task.
YVONNE: Welcome to being a parent, an actual parent instead of a politically correct yes-man.
My cowhide chairs.
Where are they? MAN: I shipped them two week ago! It's a nationwide strike, so you're not going to get your chairs today, mate, I'm sorry.
- CELESTE: What happened? - Union thuggery.
What is the strike actually about? Ah, some shit about foreign workers being exploited or something.
(GROANS)