Back in Very Small Business (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

YVONNE: You can't seriously be considering paying for her surgeries.
RAY: His surgeries.
- She's living with you.
- He's.
Don't tell me what to call my child.
Oh, my God, how do you make a break-up look adorable? - Yeah, that's really nice.
- Check your phone.
80 likes in 20 seconds.
Sam, thank you so much.
Why are you being such a drainer? Well, excuse me for trying to be close to you.
I'm not your wife.
Actually, I just need to follow up on the cowhide chairs and where your orders are at please, Bridget.
- Why? Have they arrived? - Yes.
I don't know.
But I need to get on to that ASAP because obviously we need that to happen.
I'll be in touch when I have the chairs.
(COMPUTER DINGS) There he is.
Made, how are you.
Oh, fuck, he's gone again.
Sorry Don, the connection's very bad this morning.
Ashley, are you watching Netflix? Shut it down.
- It's nearly at the end.
- Oh, beg your pardon.
Seriously, I've got enough hold-ups with my cowhide chairs.
Don, he's back.
- Ah, dirty Made! - Hello, Don! You wanna see some exciting new products? No, I want to see some old products.
Delivered.
My cowhide chairs.
- Where are they? - Well, Don, they're Oh, Jesus.
How much am I being slugged for this shitful service? You did choose the $29 a month option, Don.
Did you want to tether off my phone again? Don! Your phone was ringing in your office.
Which is why I'm out here.
It's annoying.
Can you put it on silent? (RINGTONE BLARES) - Or change the ringtone? - Alright! Better mix it up a bit.
Don! Can you see me? Made, you slippery bastard.
Where are my chairs? I just told you, I shipped them three week ago.
Three weeks ago? Maybe there's a problem with the ship.
It couldn't have been turned back by Border Protection, could it? Made, there's no-one trying to move to Australia sitting in my chairs on that ship, I hope.
- No.
- I'll call the shipping company, Don.
While I got you, Don.
I have exciting new prod Oh, bloody hell! Just walking you over to Don now, Bridget.
- I'll pop you on speaker.
- Thank you.
It's Bridget! She said she can't get you on your mobile.
(SIGHS) G'day, Bridge.
- Are you avoiding me? - Avoiding you? Oh-oh, don't tell me Celeste didn't call you back about me being chock-a-block this morning.
Celeste-we-forget we call her Bridget, we really, really do.
They're selling cowhide chairs almost the same as mine at Design Do-Overs.
I have exciting new product for you, huh? - It's electric up and down - Just hang on.
- Are you talking to someone else? - Sitting is the new cancer Now I've got the perfect connection.
Bridget, I don't want you getting your knickers in a knot because, ah, I'm only going to have to untie them with my teeth.
Oh, Don! Well, you put it on speaker.
Are you not taking this seriously? I am going to lose my pre-orders if I don't get my bloody stock.
Oh, that's just hurtful.
To hear you doubting my supply chain - Well, where are they? - Where are they? Um Well, I'm actually being advised that, um, ah, doctors, ah, checking people's hearts are, um, are gonna knock themselves out trying to get hold of the chairs, I assume for their waiting rooms.
What? And I don't see any reason why we won't be able to drop them round to you today.
Well, if you don't drop them around today, you can forget about ever dropping anything here again.
Chairs, your guts or your pants.
You are a very funny woman, Bridget.
I think you've lost her.
Yes, Vijay, could we go, please? (CAR HORN BEEPS) What, is your start time fluid as well? - Hi.
- Hey.
- Been shopping? - Yep.
And? No, it's just I'm surprised.
This is because deep down, you don't like me wearing men's clothes, isn't it? No, it's because deep down, you haven't paid rent for two months, you're supposedly saving for treatment and surgery and you should have been at work an hour ago.
Can I treat myself, just once? Is that allowed? Under his eye? Oh! Ohh! - How are you, Coco? - Good.
- Do you need anything? - No.
- A hug? - Mm-mm.
Ahh, OK.
This is on my vision board.
You are my inspiration.
You know, when Sylvio ran off with his dental hygienist and left me with four kids, I felt like nobody understood.
But you telling the world how fucked your life is just makes me feel normal.
Oh, and um, I bought that jumper, in blue.
And I bought the Rapture Gourmet Ice Cream, but not the vanilla.
- The banana bongo.
- Oh, right.
- Is Clay hooking up with his PT? - No.
Are you sure? My mum said he was.
She follows you now, and my aunties in South Korea.
Have you seen that hashtag #CocogotSeoul? - Mmm.
- "Seoul" as in South Korea.
But it also sounds like "soul".
Yeah.
No, I'm not sure.
Where's Sam? - Can we get a selfie? I'll take it.
- Me too.
- No! None of those photos get posted.
- Why not? Because Coco would never come to a place like this.
Hmm.
Hey Sam, um, can we have a talk? Sure.
Let's grab a coffee.
Say "bye" everyone.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye, Coco.
- Leslie? - Yes? Look, I'm sorry if I upset you, but you promised me the rent.
What do you think? I think it looks expensive.
Where did you get the money? It's called a credit card, Dad.
You're spending money you don't have.
What's going on with you? - Just hang on a minute, Kim.
- But I'm busting.
- Can we talk about this over lunch? - I can't.
I'm having lunch with someone else.
- OK.
Someone special? - Yes.
- Like a date? - Yes.
Is this the first date you've been on since you Yes.
- You a bit loose in the bowel? - Yes.
Seriously, Ray.
Kleenex want you using their tissues exclusively.
Oh, wow.
The Himalayan Spa Retreat would love for you to emotionally recover in their six-star luxury.
Oh, and I've got Slater & Gordon very interested.
Oh, my God, are they those London designers? No, they're the Australian lawyers, just in case things get really ugly.
Who else? Sexyland want you to rep their vibrators.
Fuck off! Who do they think you are? Ooh, what about this, though? L'Oreal.
They want you to do a billboard campaign, because "now that she's back on the market, "she's gotta be her blemish-free best.
" - I'm not.
- No, but they can do PhotoShop.
I'm not back on the market.
Clay and I Clay and I got back together.
Ohh, I'm sorry.
It's OK.
Alright, Vijay.
let's see if we can't free my must-have cowhide chair knock-offs from the oppressive regime of these waterside communists.
G'day, fellas.
I'll have one with onion and tomato sauce, thanks.
Don Angel, CEO World Wide Business Group.
And I am Vijay Kapoor, CEO of Doppelganger Designs.
We are hoping to pick up a shipment of chairs from Indonesia.
From, ah, Made.
Don't know his last name.
What have you got there? Is that lamb and pine nut or something? - Is that - It's a nationwide strike.
So you're not going to get your chairs today, mate, I'm sorry.
Well, hang on, hang on.
I understand how these things work.
Does, ah, does that help grease the wheels of the, ah, cranes that lift the containers out of the ship? And I'll throw that in, too, for some kebabs, maybe.
We're taking strike action in solidarity with our Indonesian comrades.
We're not unloading any ships today.
It's a matter of principle.
A matter of principle, I understand.
I'm sorry.
I've insulted you.
Shall we say $200? I don't think the public want harmony and lightness and love in your life yet.
What do you mean? Do not send that to Seoul! I mean, everybody loves you when you're sad.
Your brand is stronger with you two separated.
Mmm.
Look, you and Clay, feet together on the beach? 80,000 likes.
But, you with one of Clay's Paul Smith shirts slashed to ribbons, 126,000.
And you throwing all of Clay's shit from your TV room into a skip, 145,000 likes.
Genius combo of everyone's major obsessions, break-ups and decluttering.
I do see what you're saying, but It's not like it's forever.
But this break-up train has a few stops to go yet.
L'Oreal billboards.
Wow.
Break up train.
Choo-choo! Alright.
This is my final OK.
OK.
OK.
Just saying, this is my final offer.
I'm not bluffing now.
There's 350 bucks.
Plus my 10, and this.
$365.
Absolute upper limit.
You'll, ah, probably get yourself a baby Weber for that.
Or a new megaphone.
You two clumsy dicks better clear off before it gets dark.
Dark? It's pretty dark in a coma.
This is exactly the problem, isn't it? This is exactly it, Don.
Everything that's wrong with this country is sitting around that barbecue right now getting paid triple time because you bloody work for six minutes in a row without getting a break.
Which, granted, must be a shock to the system after your annual leave and sick leave, long service leave, stress leave, paternity leave, disorientation leave because actually being at work for six minutes completely threw you, all the while taking your sly little under-the-table kickbacks whilst mugs like Vijay and I pay our full whack of tax.
Yes, we are mugs.
You lot wouldn't have jobs if it wasn't for risk-taking entrepreneurs like me importing goods into this country.
Goods that you wouldn't be able to afford if we paid the original designers.
Next time you think it's a good idea to jack up the minimum wage, try asking someone who has to pay it.
At least someone's unloaded today.
Hi, Ray.
Olivia, is Cody gay? Ah, no.
No.
Sorry, I-I just know that you two are quite close.
Not as close as the girls he hooks up with on Tinder.
Right.
But, Ray, don't you think you're a bit old for him? - No, it's not for me.
- Could he be bisexual? No! Cody can't multi-task.
No, alright.
Thank you.
Be very careful.
I've eaten here before, Dad.
I think you're barking up the wrong tree.
The Cody tree.
I think he's less a flame tree and more a straight old pine.
What? I don't think Cody is right for you.
Do you give out relationship advice here every day, Dr Phil? Oh, it's just I appreciate that you're looking out for me, but you need to trust me on this one.
Cody and I have a thing.
The real thing.
Oo-mow-ma-mow-mow.
So, do we have a Plan B, Don? Plan B, Vijay, is to stall Bridget until we can make Plan A work.
Otherwise she's going to be making those chairs herself out of my scrotum.
(CRUNCH!) (PHONE RINGS) Hi, Don.
How'd you go? Celeste, I need four new tyres here straightaway.
Four tyres, yes.
Is this to help with negotiations with the unionists? No, it's to help with driving my car, away, from the unionists.
So, get on to Bridgestone or whichever bunch of rubber monkeys will do it the cheapest.
Quick as you can thanks, Celeste.
I didn't know they reserved tables here.
They don't.
I just wanted to make sure we got our table.
Our table? Yeah, this is where we had our first great chat.
Yeah That's yeah.
That's right.
I can't wait.
This is for you.
- What? - To open.
OK.
Oh wow.
Like it? - Is this for me? - Try it on.
OK.
I bought this one and then I saw that one in blue.
And I remembered how you were saying that you struggle to find clothes Yep.
.
.
and you don't know what's fashionable.
- Oh, my God, it's perfect.
- It actually fits me.
How did you get my size right? I'm a good judge.
Wow.
Thanks, man.
How much do I owe ya? Hope it was on sale.
Nothing, and it wasn't.
What? No, I can't not pay you for it.
How can I not pay you for it? 'Cause it was a present.
Ah, um Leslie, um, I'm not gay.
Neither am I.
Well, at least one of us would have to be.
What are you talking about? Well, you're a dude.
But it's not about that.
It's about you liking me and me liking you.
Yeah.
Um I-I don't, though.
Not like that, I mean.
Um You probably want the jacket back.
They are lamb and pine nut.
Can you smell that? I am starving.
I think I've got some mints, Don.
That'll do.
- No, I'll need more than two.
- Of course, Don.
(CAR HORN BEEPS) How fucking spicy are these? Why are you buying the extra strength ones? That's just broadcasting you've got bad breath.
- Hi, Don.
- What are you doing here? What do you mean, "What am I doing here?" Tell me you didn't just go and buy four tyres.
How many did you need? You were supposed to get a mobile fitting service.
I thought Vijay could do it.
Oh what, because that's the sort of unskilled labour Indians do? Can you do it? Sure, but it will take longer without the right tools.
Oh, why does this shit keep happening to me? Alright, Veej, get cracking.
What happened? That happened.
Union thuggery.
Blocking the large intestine of small business.
- What appalling behaviour.
- Isn't it? I've got half a mind to get the Royal Commission reopened, but that's what the Left do, Celeste.
You challenge their point of view and they just lash out like the unarticulate savages they are.
But why won't they give you your chairs? What is the strike actually about? Oh, some shit about foreign workers being exploited or something.
(GRUNTS) Oh.
I'm so sorry, Ray.
I'm not gay, and-and-and I know I hurt Leslie's feelings.
I really didn't mean to, and I'm not against it.
I'm absolutely not.
I mean, go for it, I reckon, if you're into it.
- It's just not who I am.
- Yeah, Cody, it's fine.
You can't help the way you are, although it would have been handy.
Yeah.
Is Leslie alright? I don't know.
- Has anyone here seen Leslie? - I wish.
He's supposed to be redesigning my Knock Knock range.
- Is he? - Yeah.
Don wants to spread the jokes out.
So the knock knock bit goes on this sheet, and the answer goes over all these sheets.
It's so smart.
They're gonna use so much more toilet paper.
But we're stuffed, 'cause Leslie's not here and we're due at the Chinese printers at five.
- Right.
- It's super healthy.
It's on trend.
Colonic irrigation.
So that you really get Clay out of your system.
They're the number one colon irrigators in the state, so it's a prestige endorsement.
Just hang on a sec, Coco.
- Have you seen Leslie? - Nope.
Leslie's gone.
He's gone home for the afternoon.
Oh, bloody hell.
Ah, good luck.
I've left him a bunch of messages and he won't call me back.
Can I go home for the afternoon? - Leslie wasn't feeling well.
- I'm not feeling well.
What's wrong with you? What was wrong with him? Hi, you've called Leslie.
Leave a message.
Kim, I'm heading home too.
This is fucked.
(STOMACH RUMBLES AND GURGLES) Well, I'm not standing for this.
What are you doing? Celeste? Listen, they've just slashed my tyres.
Steady on.
- I'm not afraid of them, Don! - Yeah, no, neither am I.
It's just that where are you going to get four new tyres this late in the day? Excuse me! My name is Celeste and I'm Don Angel's personal assistant.
Well, well, you selfish bullies.
It's all very well to be concerned about the welfare of people overseas, but how about having a look around in your own backyard? Hear, hear.
You haven't even considered how your actions could be affecting Don's personal life, have you? He's always had difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, but this one with Bridget's been going on for some months now.
Bridget's the one the chairs are for.
But now you're jeopardising it.
Are you happy? In fact I think you've probably ruined it because the chairs are a sort of metaphor for their relationship.
They're sort of stuck and can't advance while the chairs are stuck in one of your containers.
So why don't you get off your moral high horse and show some concern for this fragile man's emotional wellbeing? - (FARTS) - (ALL LAUGH) Oh, thanks for coming.
He won't come out of his room.
I can hear crying but he won't answer me.
I think he really had his heart broken.
I just thought we could be a united front.
- A united front? - Mmm.
No, this is not a united front.
This is good old Mum sorting your shit out because you are clearly out of your depth.
Welcome to being a parent, an actual parent, instead of a politically correct yes man.
A slightly harsher interpretation than I would have put on it, but the siege continues.
Leslie? Leslie, come on.
Come and talk to us.
Please? The sooner you come out the sooner we can help you.
Whatever you've done it can't be as big a fuck-up as I made of our family.
Aww.
Can't believe I didn't think of that.
So, how big are the billboards gonna be? Like, billboard size.
- Babe, I am so proud of you.
- You too.
Excuse me? Are you guys getting back together? No.
No, definitely not.
Um, but you look you look really happy.
We do? We're not happy.
We're just here because we're splitting up our stuff.
'Cause he wants the Sonos and the Dyson, which is really unfair because they were gifted to me.
Um, so yeah, it's been, like, really painful.
So you, like, you really did sleep with your personal trainer? - No.
- Yes.
He did.
He slept with her for six months.
- You are such a prick.
- Yeah.
What can I say, you know? She's hot.
Have you seen her butt pics on Insta? Well, I'm only human! - So, tell me, what happened? - I don't know.
We were getting along amazingly, and we had this real connection.
And then he was like, "I'm not gay," and I was like, "Neither am I.
" What do you mean? Of course you are.
You're a man.
He's a man.
That is quite gay.
But I've always liked boys.
- And now you're a boy, so - You can't have it both ways.
Although maybe you can.
I'm not quite sure how it all works.
But I don't identify as gay.
Why do we need these labels anyway? Are you serious? You're the queen of labels.
King.
There we go.
And God help me if I use the wrong pronoun.
Boy or girl, I'm still the same person.
Yes, you are the same person, who always races into things impetuously, like a relationship with a straight man.
Or having your uterus removed.
That is so far down the track and maybe.
What does it matter? I'll still be your child.
Uterus or no uterus, I still came out of yours.
But why do you want to tamper with the way you were made? The way I was made by you.
This isn't about you, it's about me.
Oh Leslie, please don't go.
"Difficulty forming and maintaining relationships?" Well? Well, for one thing, horseshit.
I've had millions of relationships, so that makes me an expert.
For another thing, you're talking to unionists, not clinical psychologists.
And for an even other thing, what happened to my privacy? How would you like it if I said, "Oh, don't listen to her.
"She's got a drinking problem.
" But I don't have a drinking problem.
And I don't have a problem with my top shelf love-life.
What I import into this country has very little to do with what I export into Bridget.
Any other insights into my psyche, Sigrid Freud? Well .
.
I think you're scared of commitment.
Oh, here we go.
That old chestnut.
Haven't I committed to this extra-marital affair with Bridget? Yes, because she's married and unavailable to commit.
(KNOCK ON WINDOW) Strike's over.
You can have your chairs.
There is a $365 handling fee.
- Is there? - Mmm.
Good on you for, ah, sticking to your principles, though.
Good luck with your emotional wellbeing.
Alright, you want commitment? - (PUTS PHONE ON SPEAKER) - Let's have commitment.
- Have you got good news for me? - Sure have.
I am ready to commit, babe.
To you.
Enough of this cloak and dagger.
Get your cloak off and stick the dagger in Dirty Darren's back.
How about we take this thing to the next level and just move in together.
This weekend.
Big news, hey babe? Where are my bloody chairs, Don? Your chairs? Not available.
- Oh, Don! - OK.
- Ohh! - Yep.
Leslie normally does Deliveroo, but I'm sure these still work.
Maybe I should go.
No, we can lure him back in with pizza, finish talking.
- LESLIE: I'm going out.
- (DOOR SLAMS) OK, well another night, then.
Yvonne, are you OK? I don't know why this keeps happening.
I can't talk to her, him, without one of us exploding.
Ah, well Sorry.
It's OK.
I'm-I'm so unhappy.
Things will get better.
There's no guidebook for any of this.
We're all just bumbling our way through.
Particularly you.
Particularly me.
Do you mind if I move my chair in closer? Do you mind if I stay the night? I haven't got any condoms.
You idiot, I haven't got any eggs.
(BOTH LAUGH) What do you mean, call an Uber? Because I'm not dropping you at your personal trainer's house.
- Why would I go to her house? - Because she's tight.
And fit.
You're the one that said that I slept with her.
- What was I meant to say? - I don't know.
Not, "Have you seen her butt shots on Insta?" Are you fucking kidding me? Babe, open the door.
We should never have gotten back together.
Coco.
Coco! Coco! No, I want the Dyson! It was me who got that on contra! Hey, Clay.
Quick selfie? Yeah, sure buddy.
What's going on? Are you guys talking about me? - Yes.
- No.
You and me, we're done.
You do not throw away the type of sex we're having in your shop just like that.
A claim against the Angel Family Trust brought by That little fucker.
The ATO is telling me I have to come to a mediation between you and Alex.
It was never your money, mate.
You didn't earn it.
I did and I hid it according to the law.
Oh, Ray! Sam is drunk, although Ashley's saying she's munted.