Backstage with Katherine Ryan (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [Ryan.]
I'm Katherine Ryan, and I've taken over the notorious London Roundhouse.
As my 21-year-old lover often says, "Look how far I've come.
" That's intellectual big dick energy.
I'll be joined by four of the best comics in the country.
You're living in a fucking dream world, mate.
I think it did eat meat, actually.
Yeah! Harder than it looks, innit? I'mma get fucked tonight.
[Ryan.]
But this is much more than a standup show because I've put cameras everywhere.
I feel sick.
Can't believe your luck.
You're on the show with me.
[Ryan.]
You should see where he puts it when he's finished with his mouth.
The only thing whiter than Jimmy's teeth is his ass hole.
I think it's probably all right.
[Ryan.]
You're going to see what comedians get up to when they think no one's looking.
[Carr.]
You work in the bar in Coronation Street now? What the fuck is this look? [Ryan.]
We've got more dodgy material than Kanye West's fashion line.
I've cheated.
It's been great.
As I once told an ex-boyfriend when he wore sandals, "we're done now.
" This is Backstage with Katherine Ryan.
[man.]
Standby.
All right.
Voila! Hey, baby.
- Hello.
- How are you? - How's it going? - I'm opening the show.
- Are you opening? - Yeah.
Thank God! That means I'm not opening.
- Hey, Seann.
- Hello, mate.
[Mohammed.]
Hey, Jimmy.
Can't believe your luck.
You're on the show with me.
This is huge for you, isn't it? Really big for me.
I mean, you forged my career, Jimmy.
I came up with the whole thing.
I came up with the Asian thing.
It was me A big ass gray hair right there.
Fuck off.
- [Carr.]
Have you been out gigging? - I've been out gigging lots.
I'm too tired of everything.
I did a couple of double shows and a couple of regular shows, so it's like four hours on stage.
You kind of go, "I felt it in my hamstrings.
" I'm getting to an age where I was chatting to my physio going, "I feel a bit knackered.
" He went, "Were you doing some sports?" and I went, "No, just standing on the stage telling jokes.
" Yeah.
- [Walsh.]
You don't even move.
- Yeah.
[Ryan.]
Hello.
- [Carr.]
Hey.
- Hi.
Nice to see you.
So you work in the bar in Coronation Street now? What the fuck is this look? It is cashmere Cashmere.
God love you.
How are you? I like the haircut.
- Thank you very much.
- Did Jimmy take you for the haircut? Because I know you're mentoring Seann all of a sudden - when that used to be my gig.
- Chatting about comedy.
Everyone assumes that.
It's actually I'm mentoring him.
It's annoying 'cause you cutting your hair treads on a lot of my jokes about you.
I think you look like Roger Daltry after a car crash.
What? Unbelieve What? Is that? Not a terrible car crash.
It's just, something's fucked.
You look like an emoji.
Look now, he looks like the laughing, crying emoji.
Look.
- [knocking on door.]
- Oh, hey.
Sorry, I need to take Seann to sound check, please.
Thank you.
Right.
See you later.
- Why are you being friends with him now? - I love him.
I think Seann's a terrific observational comic.
He just needs a bit of confidence.
I used to be like the mentee, I felt like.
And I know that you have a rescue syndrome and you like to fix people.
My work here is done.
I think you're okay now.
- Fly free.
- [Ryan.]
Okay.
[woman.]
Three, two, one.
- Hi, Geoff.
- Hi.
Oh, my gosh.
So excited about tonight's show.
Yeah.
[Ryan.]
I need you to write some jokes for Seann Walsh.
After the infamous Strictly kiss, Seann was fully canceled.
[Geoff.]
One of the weirdest things is a bloke who's trying to pretend to your wife that you were outraged and, like Ugh.
I'd be disappointed in my husband if he didn't get off with the Eastern European dancer wrapping her legs around his head six nights a week.
What's wrong with you? You didn't fuck her? - [Norcott.]
Yeah.
- [Ryan.]
Jimmy is also going to be here.
And Seann and Jimmy have actually forged a very good friendship lately.
Unlikely little bromance? Jimmy will be very fun to write for because he loves being roasted.
[Norcott.]
On that note, Jimmy's had a lot of work done.
He doesn't look a day over "What the fuck is that?" [Ryan.]
He'd love that.
Desiree Burch is on the show.
She's American, she's a black woman.
She is very body positive, and she is the voice for a dating show Too Hot to Handle, which is hurtful to me because I auditioned for that role.
They went another way.
A more diverse way.
Geoff, I feel like you.
See, didn't I tell you about the woke stuff? Exactly.
We'll all be controlled by the Taliban soon enough.
Then we won't have to worry about these frivolous problems.
- It's true.
- My pronouns are they.
Get in the van.
[Geoff.]
Yeah.
[Ryan.]
Lastly, Nick Mohammed.
Mr.
Swallow is his character.
He's a magician.
I would try to stay clear of magicians.
[Ryan.]
Why? [Norcott.]
I think they're not trustworthy.
So you regard magicians the way I regard men.
- Yeah.
- Welcome to the jungle.
- You've always done characters on stage.
- Yeah, I've never done standup.
Ever.
That's amazing.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Hi, how are you? [Ryan.]
I'm well.
I just wanted to pop in and say thanks for doing the show.
I was just trying to find out about Mr.
Swallow and the gig.
'Cause I'm curious as to how much it's like based in your life at all.
Absolutely a lot.
It's based on an impression of a teacher.
I feel like a lot of pure standup comics look down on character stuff.
[Mohammed.]
Yeah.
Rightly said.
- Really? - They do, I do.
I'm like, "Wow, that is a skill "that nobody else is bringing into this space.
" I would be The idea of doing stand up and being oneself on stage, which is close to the real self, I find it terrifying.
And where did the magic come from? This is a kid, like self-defense, I think.
Not that I was bullied, but I'm quite short, and I'm not sporty It's Britain, everyone was bullied, right? Isn't that bad? For a moment of respite, you had to, like, to have this magical talent.
I've said this to you before, I keep saying this to you, you need to get out with cameras and show people what it's like to be with you in the real world.
Going around and you, the joke machine.
You go into a cafe, your joke, everyone's laughing.
It's like people go, "Jimmy, we'd like to get a selfie.
" You come in, you stop and chat to people But it takes longer to say no.
It's easy to just get the photo and give them a little something.
You pretend you're a bastard.
I have set the bar very low with my stage act, so people think I'm going to be an ocean going copper-bottomed cunt.
And actually, I'm just an arsehole.
And they're thrilled.
They're thrilled.
- This guy is just an arsehole.
- [Walsh.]
No.
[man.]
Okay.
Just gonna get some production stills now.
- What have you got for Seann Walsh? - [Norcott.]
Seann Walsh? Erm He looks like a gay lion.
[Ryan.]
Yeah, good.
With Seann's good looks, he looks like he could be in movies as the guy who introduces the lead actress to ketamine and anal.
[Norcott.]
That's a good night.
"Seann was such a public enemy, R.
Kelly dressed as him for Halloween.
" Ooh! That's good.
[Norcott.]
Seann looks like he's got a smelly dick.
[Ryan laughs.]
That's fun.
What about Desiree? How about, "As a black American, "she's got a shorter life expectancy than a peach"? [Norcott.]
"Desiree grew up watching Bill Cosby, "and thanks to American justice, she still can.
" [gasps.]
See, Geoff, you are woke.
I can do the feminist stuff.
I don't always agree, but I can do it.
[Carr.]
Great to be here.
I work a lot with Katherine Ryan.
Some funny jokes about her and then I'll stop saying funny things.
And then I'll walk off stage.
So do you feel like the stench of the whole Strictly thing has faded? [Walsh.]
I think so.
I have such amazing memories of that show.
- Yeah.
- And then the repercussions of that kiss.
- That was crazy.
- What's your truth regarding the kiss and the fallout? Disproportionate? I was on the front pages of one paper for 12 days in a row.
I'm just a comic.
I saw you on the cover of those papers.
I knew that people were talking about you kissing this girl, but I didn't imagine at the time that it would have such an effect on you emotionally.
I can't go anywhere near anything Strictly.
I can't.
It just messes my head up too much.
It messes with my head.
One day, I hope I can look back at that fondly.
That first three weeks because it was so It was the best time of my life.
What did you think it was gonna be when they published a photo of you kissing the dancer? What you are thinking about is, "What have you done to someone?" Mmm.
It's one thing doing that privately, and I don't judge anyone.
Everyone's got their own backstory, life, reasons for everything.
I've cheated, it's been great.
I loved it.
Ten out of ten.
Would do again.
I remember it coming out.
I knew it was bad.
But I don't think I ever considered for a minute that you would simultaneously be having a breakdown.
I think Yeah, of course, it was horrific.
- I mean, yeah, it was crazy.
- That's wild.
- Thank you so much.
- Are we hugging? - You don't have to.
- Dude, you should do the dance show.
I don't want to trigger anything.
Bye, Seann.
Thanks for being here.
And then, like See you, Seann.
- Goodbye.
- Yeah.
[exhales deeply.]
Jimmy does not like this track suit.
- The one you're wearing? - Yeah.
Why? He's just like, "What is this look?" You know, Jimmy and his jokes.
So, there's one card you're thinking of.
Yeah, I love this so much.
And we're to take out four cards from the deck, - but one of which has to be your card - Right.
The other three are red herrings, however you want to interpret that.
Okay, the first thing to observe are that there are two court cards and two number cards.
Two are eights.
I don't know how he does it.
There's two red and two black.
So there's a lot of decoy in here.
- Like a hell of a lot.
- Thank you.
- [Mohammed.]
I think - He's gone into his mind palace.
[Mohammed.]
Are you left-handed or right-handed? [Carr.]
I'm right-handed.
[Mohammed.]
Okay.
So, with your left hand, just point to one of those.
Keep your finger on it.
And with your right hand point at one more.
And now, this is a free choice.
Do you want to use the two you're pointing to or the two you're not pointing to? The two that I'm not pointing to.
Okay, so I'm going to get rid of these two.
Now look, you've narrowed it down - to two cards.
- [Carr.]
Right.
[Mohammed.]
Point to any one.
Okay? Absolutely sure? Yeah, I'm certain.
Are you absolutely sure? - I'm so sure.
- Okay.
I'm gonna get rid.
I feel sick.
I'm gonna get rid of it.
I'm not gonna show you what it is.
Now listen, I'm going to tell you from the choices that you made, with the other three red herrings, tell me if this is right or not.
I think that card you really chose is the eight of diamonds.
Is that right? - Yeah.
- It is, isn't it? Yeah, go on.
I mean, phenomenal.
Phenomenal.
I love it.
I love the whole thing.
[Mohammed.]
Pretty good.
I feel so charmed.
I so enjoy it.
I know a little bit about magic.
I know enough to know how good that was.
Oh, I love it! Oh, wow.
Fantastic.
- I need some jokes, Geoff.
Whaddya got? - Got a few.
Have we got a kitchen anywhere? Anyone know? [Ryan.]
How about, "Jimmy Carr is here.
" "Great.
It gives all of us a chance to test our rape alarms"? [whistling.]
[Norcott.]
On that note, Jimmy looks like the kind of guy who'd sex traffic a girl, then ask her for petrol money.
Yeah.
I'm not saying Jimmy represents deeply ingrained white privilege, but he's the only guy I know who shouts, "For the empire," when he comes.
Yeah.
Jimmy's face now looks so young that if he touched it, he'd technically be a nonce.
He'd love to hear that.
[Norcott.]
In his world, it's a sort of compliment.
You wanted a coffee? What is it you'd like? - Venti Americano.
- Venti Americano.
- Black.
- Yes.
With sugar-free vanilla would be great.
Thank you so much.
Not a problem.
I'll get that ordered for you.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
[Ryan.]
I've had a really tough time writing for Nick Mohammed, aka Mr.
Swallow.
Sounds like a late night version of The Mr.
Men.
[Norcott.]
There's definitely a porn angle in there, I think.
Tonight, Nick is performing as his character Mr.
Swallow, who is a close-up magician and fully-fledged member of The Magic Circle.
Or, to put it another way, virgin.
[laughs.]
Nick has performed with the prestigious Cambridge Footlights.
He's the only guy called Mohammed who benefits from white privilege.
- Nice.
Lefties will love it as well.
- Yup.
[man.]
Just wait for it.
[Walsh.]
Nick.
- Yeah.
- Joke.
- Yeah? - We're in Tesco's, right? Self-service checkout.
- Yes? - I'm complaining about how loud the woman, and she's like, "Please wait for assistance" Can you Do you need to tell the whole shop that And then I go, "Is the traffic light necessary?" The big red, sort of, like, splashing thing.
- Red.
- Yeah.
So I just thought of a line now.
It's quite funny.
"I can't scan the" Funny food objects which I'll work out.
It's not "What?" Like, "What would you" Do you know what I mean? It's not an evacuation.
- Yeah, I see.
- I can't scan the Hobnobs.
- It's not - Chernobyl? - But I know what you mean - No, that's it.
- It's like an alarm or that kind of - That's basically it, though.
- Yeah.
- I can't scan the Hobnobs.
This isn't Chernobyl.
Thank you.
- I didn't do anything.
- Thank you.
No, you did.
You really did.
Thank you.
You wrote the punchline.
I don't know.
I was a late virgin.
You're both late virgins? Yeah, but part of that was like being raised born-again.
So born-again Christian is a type of Christianity I think it's a way of saying, "Actually believes this shit.
" Who was the religious implementarian in your family? I think my mom was a true believer, but became more of a believer as she got a little bit older.
It's weird looking back at religious belief from the other side.
It goes, "How did I not question that?" So you don't think that religion is what kept you guys 25-year-old virgins? I think it did.
I think there was a bit of a weird fear thing going on there.
I think I conflated sex and love so completely that it was the same thing for me.
Like a woman.
That's what we do every time, our whole lives.
I quite like talking about it as well because you feel like there's a lot of people out there that feel tremendous pressure.
Do you feel like you'll raise your son as an atheist? I don't think I'd be open to that thing of like, "He's gonna believe whatever he's gonna believe.
" Is he? I mean, it's going to be very difficult for him if he's not brought up with that to then go and purposefully find that.
But is that not the only angle he has for rebellion? - Yeah.
- That's true.
If Daddy tells dick jokes for a living, your rebellion is "I'll become "a tax accountant and a Protestant.
" Great.
Do you feel like you'll have kids, Desiree? - Um, no.
- No adoption? No, like I still need to finish raising myself.
That was part of the late virginity thing.
There's the religious aspect, there's so much shame that's laden in that.
Like, just body-shame, and, you know, I have the additional, "I'm the fat kid.
Nobody wants me around," and whatever stuff to work out.
There are plenty of kids out there, I can be a support adult figure.
I've had an impact on so many young lives.
It has been a negative one.
Yeah.
But that's more in your work as a cougar.
[Carr.]
Can I just draw your attention? [Walsh.]
I know what you're gonna put there.
[Carr.]
"Muscle Fit.
" - I didn't know.
I saw that.
- [Carr.]
Muscle fit.
Your shirt is the Sorry, can I No, can I get tickets? Can I get tickets to the gun show? No, I don't know why that says Muscle Fit.
Why do you think everyone is so obsessed with breaking America? - I don't know.
- It's the money.
It's the money, Katherine.
What the fuck are you talking about? It just feels like you're such a target.
If you're famous in America, you're getting canceled almost immediately, or have paps following you everywhere.
It doesn't seem like a very nice life.
- More than in the UK? - Yeah.
I'd say our press is worse than theirs.
- I would I would say that.
- Yeah.
- I would agree with that.
- Yeah.
The two of us have been publicly shamed.
It's not great here either.
It can go wrong.
I'm going to go, as well.
I have a dedicated makeup room.
It's an emergency room, isn't it? - [Ryan.]
Yeah.
- It's actually a special effects unit.
The same people that did Jurassic Park.
I just need a bit more bronzer between the splashes of bronzer.
- [hairstylist.]
Want to do a shake test? - Yeah.
Here we go.
I feel like I keep having to reference my tits on stage.
That's how big they feel to me.
Because they're pretty big.
[woman.]
You happy? I think it's probably all right, you know.
[Carr.]
I mean, I'm stunning.
This looks so hot.
- It does, right? - Yeah.
- You good? - [Burch.]
Yeah.
I'm having that moment of, like, "Do I know comedy?" I find I only get over it when I've done the first laugh.
First line, first laugh, and then you go [Burch.]
"Oh, yeah.
That's right.
I do know what I'm doing.
" - Yeah.
- But, you know - Yeah.
- Look great, you know the stuff.
You brought them? What can I do? It is taking energy.
I'm burning calories making eye contact with you.
- I think we're watching from in here.
- Yeah.
- This room looks fucking amazing.
- It looks incredible, doesn't it? [cheering and applause.]
It's weird hearing a real large audience.
It's not that weird.
Hey, maybe you get your lovely applause, right? - [man.]
Three, two - [announcer.]
Please welcome on stage, the wonderful Katherine Ryan! [cheering and applause.]
Please go this way.
- Wow! - Look how amazing Katherine is.
- Look at that.
- Yes.
Hello.
Welcome to London's Roundhouse.
It's beautiful, isn't it? Yeah.
Tonight we have an incredible lineup of some of my very favorite comedians.
You're in for a real treat.
It would not be a show without my friend and mentor, Jimmy Carr.
[cheering and applause.]
[Walsh.]
Oh, here we go.
Is it 8:00? There's always a round of applause for me.
It's great that Jimmy's here because we can all test out our rape alarms.
How dare she? She'll never work in this town again.
What you see is what you get with Jimmy, and what you see is a man who'd miss his own child's wedding to do a corporate for ISIS.
That feels funny 'cause it's true.
That wasn't a joke.
Then, prepare to be amazed by the wonderful Nick Muhammad.
[cheering and applause.]
Nick performed with the prestigious Cambridge Footlights.
He's the only guy called Mohammed to have benefited from white privilege.
Wow.
Nick dropped out of his PhD at Cambridge to become a comedian, which has left his dad more disappointed than Thomas Markle.
That's intellectual big dick energy.
We also have the very talented Seann Walsh.
[cheering and applause.]
I didn't get booed.
Yeah, it's your night.
With his good looks, Seann could be in movies as the bartender who introduces the lead actress to ketamine and anal.
Seann is the only comedian who has both sold and been in The Big Issue.
Wow.
We've also got my favorite fellow expat, Desiree Burch.
[cheering and applause.]
Desiree is a body positive ex-dominatrix.
I'd be body positive too.
Flattering, when all you have to do to make a millionaire come is tell them off in a dungeon.
She's finished off more old guys than COVID.
- Hi, Desiree.
- Hey.
- Have a good one.
- Thank you.
We'll make snipey comments back here, if that helps.
Speaking of decrepit elderly men, Desiree grew up watching Bill Cosby, and thanks to the American justice system, she still can.
I don't feel like I'm getting a sense of the atmos.
- You gonna go back there to watch? - I gotta feel what it feels like.
I'm staying here 'cause there's more cameras on me here.
It's time for the first act of the night.
Please welcome, all the way from what's left of America, it's Desiree Burch.
[cheering and applause.]
That's fantastic.
You look great.
You look great.
[Burch.]
Yes! How y'all doing? Thank you so much.
Thank you to Katherine Ryan's titties as well.
We're doing some heavy lifting.
Yes! All right, now, I just want to say, no matter what you did to survive that lockdown insanity, you made it.
By the time it was time to come out, I was like, ready to come out.
You know, ladies, when you're getting ready to go out and you catch a glimpse of yourself, you go, "Oh.
I'mma get fucked tonight.
" This is my night.
I'm coming back on the scene, and I knew I needed to get that ginger fuck.
It doesn't have to be a redhead, but like the palate cleansing, start over, remember why I'm alive, like sex.
I just need to go out there and get it.
So I go out to this party with my friends, we walk in the door, I lock eyes with a dude right away, and I knew he was the one 'cause I was like, "Well, he's a mid-40s white dude with a ponytail, "so he's making some bad life choices, too.
All right.
" I see you.
Let's do this! I see you, right? So I put my coat down over here, I turn around, he's right here.
"Hi.
My name's Ian.
How are you?" I'm like, "Dude, yes.
I also understand what we're going to do later.
"So just enjoy the party.
I put all this shit on, "give me an hour," you know.
And my friends keep coming over to the table and they're whispering in my ear, "Hey, Des, do you want us to help you out? This guy seems like kind of a creep.
" And I'm like, "Back off, Stephanie! "I know what I'm doing.
I'll cry to you about this on Tuesday, all right?" Eventually, a couple of hours later, we wind up getting back into an Uber, back to this dude's place.
So we get up to his place, and I do have to give this guy credit because he did pull the most astounding white boy move I have ever seen pulled in my life.
Because out of nowhere he produced an acoustic guitar.
Yes, I love the groan of white people, like, "Yeah, we do be doing that.
" So we go into the bedroom, and I launch into doing a little bit of my job, just to say I'm very happy to be employed at Ian Industries this evening.
Here are some of my special skills.
This guy came in my eye.
When this happens to you, it is not only extremely painful, it is also so embarrassing.
Like, I am 40-plus years old.
I've been fucking for two decades.
Not once in the eyes.
Apparently I was the Muhammad Ali of blowjobs or some shit.
I was like Those are your kids, you put 'em on your wall, mate.
I'm not the one.
I can't get the kid.
Then I let my guard down for two seconds.
Boom! Right in the ocular cavity.
When something like that happens, you're still trying to keep it sexy, so I'm just sitting here like this, fanning my eye, like I've just won a Miss America pageant.
I'm like, "I can't believe this is happening.
Oh, my God.
" I think she should have done this whole routine with an eye patch on.
So I just start running around his flat, I don't know where I'm going, but I'm pushing doors open until I walk right into the bathroom, cupping lukewarm water into my eye for a solid five minutes.
I walk back into the bedroom, this guy's asleep.
Yeah.
Apparently, there was recoil on that nut he bust, and it just knocked him right into the headboard.
If you're feeling like a nervous energy, that's just being close to him before your gig.
Yeah, I can't feel my legs.
So I close my eyes, I'm lying there, I don't know if I'm seeing stars or his seed swimming across my eyelids.
I spent the entire weekend googling "eye AIDS" and "eye herpes," okay? Which no one in this room should ever do.
Please.
Okay? Because both of those things are real! They're both real.
I don't even know how you're supposed to go get tested for that.
Do I have to go to a hospital or Specsavers? What's the protocol? You guys have been so lovely.
My name's Desiree Burch.
Thank you so much.
[cheering and applause.]
[man.]
Lovely.
Thank you.
Love you.
Desiree Burch! Great, Desiree.
Great.
Oh, my God! Thank you.
It's time for Mr.
Seann Walsh.
Okay.
[cheering and applause.]
You might remember Seann from when he was on Strictly Come Dancing.
Ooh! In a shocking and totally unexpected development, he got off with the hot dancer who was wrapping her legs around his face six nights a week.
Give him a break already! Who among us would squander the opportunity to bang a professional dancer? Anyone? I'd be disappointed in my husband if he didn't do it.
I say, fuck her, find out what other marital chores she's willing to take off my hands while she's at it.
Don't bother coming near my husband's dick unless you're also prepared to give the oven a deep clean.
Make some noise for the man who's appeared on more tabloids than a £9 holiday, welcome, Seann Walsh.
[cheering and applause.]
Ready? - Go? - Go.
Thank you, Katherine! Hello! [all.]
Hello! It's good to be here.
I turned mid-30s.
Yeah, you get into your 30s, you begin to see the world differently.
Like, I can now see crumbs.
I've never seen them before.
I'd heard about them.
I'd felt them in bed.
But I'd never actually seen them.
But these things, you see the crumbs, you want to clean them.
I'm hoovering the crumbs.
Hoovering! I've got Henry the hoover.
Yeah, you know that coked-up nut case? I open up the Hoover cupboard, there he is with big, coked-up eyes staring at me, "I'm fucking sniffing.
I'm fucking sniffing.
"Where's the dust? Show me the dust!" I get him out.
"Come on, Henry, let's go.
Come on.
" We all kid ourselves, don't we, when we're hoovering? Doesn't matter how big your house is, you try and hoover the entire house from the same plug socket.
Henry's two foot off the ground.
"Help me! Help me, please! "Please, help me!" "Fucking get here, you red prick!" You've got to put Henry back.
Ever try to put a Hoover back in the cupboard? It's virtually impossible.
I try to get him in.
I'm like, "Get the fuck in!" He's like, "I'm not fucking going!" "Get the fuck in!" Just when you think you've shut the door, the broom's like, "Now's my chance, fucking go.
" I don't think my knees would take that.
Mine would.
- And have.
- Well, I mean You'd think at 35, I'd be able to cope.
My girlfriend sent me to the shop the other day, to get some bits.
I get the stuff, I get to the self-service checkout, they're meant to be making my life easier.
They're making it harder.
I don't even like the name, "Self-service checkout.
" I don't care what you're called.
I am not getting tricked into working here.
This is how it starts.
First, it's the self-service check out.
Then it's the stack-it-yourself shelves.
"There's a spillage, here's a mop.
"There's the keys, don't forget to lock up on your way out.
" "Hang on, I just came in for some bread.
" "Shut the fuck up and get back to work!" Oh, God! I get to the machines, it's busy.
There's 12 machines, only three of which are working.
The other nine are closed.
People are afraid that robots are gonna take over the world.
I don't think we need to worry.
They can't get through an entire shift at Tesco's.
Gotta put my stuff down.
Which side? Is it this side or that side? Is that side his side? Or is it my side? That side? Used to be able to tell which side because they used to have the bag.
But they've had to remove the bag.
You know why? 'Cause people were stealing the bag.
They said, "We're gonna put the bag here, you have to scan it yourself.
" We went, "Yeah, sure, get fucked.
" So I choose the side, right? I scan the first item.
[beeps.]
"Please wait for assistance.
" Is the traffic light necessary? Do we really need big red flashing light? I can't scan the Hobnobs! This isn't Chernobyl! I'm looking desperately at the guy, "Please, help me!" He's looking at me from behind the counter, the same smug look he always gives me.
"Harder than it looks, innit?" But he's got a queue of his own.
He buzzes for help.
[buzzing.]
Suddenly, at the back, a hero emerges from beyond the flaps to save the day, storming past the aisle, just bums in there.
It's like slow motion.
He's like [beeps.]
[speaking slowly.]
"You're free now!" London Roundhouse, it's been a pleasure.
Thank you so much! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Goodbye.
[cheering and applause.]
You can go.
[Ryan.]
Well done! Seann Walsh.
Let him hear it! [Nick.]
That was great, man.
[Walsh.]
Thanks, Nick.
Chernobyl worked.
I know.
But you said it so great.
Well done.
Brilliant.
Respect, dude.
Okay, it's time to welcome Nick Mohammed to the stage! [cheering and applause.]
Tonight, Nick is performing as his character Mr.
Swallow, who is a close-up magician and a fully-fledged member of The Magic Circle.
Or, to put it another way, a massive virgin.
Please welcome the kids' entertainer you'd never let near your kids, Mr.
Swallow! ["Stay Another Day" playing.]
Baby if you've got to go away ♪ Don't think I could take the pain ♪ Won't you stay another day ♪ I touch your face ♪ While you are sleeping ♪ Stop! Stop doing that, and maybe she will "stay another day.
" Know what I mean? So, why is that in there? You've got to love the T.
rex.
You've got to love the T.
rex! Imagine being the first person to dig that up, back in the day.
You'd be absolutely petrified, wouldn't you? Oh, yes.
I think it did eat meat actually.
Yeah! Tiny arms.
I've got, everyone always fixates, don't they "I'm the T-rex.
I've got tiny arms.
" I think you're missing the point.
Like saying Delia Smith's only got grade two trombone.
Talk about Chinese whispers.
Anyone know why it's called Chinese whispers, by the way? A bit racist, innit? I know loads of loud Chinese people, thank you.
Vanessa-Mae don't whisper on that violin, does she? No, far from it.
She belts it out.
Do you know who I mean? Vanessa-Mae? Know who I mean? Do you know who I mean? Bit of a ref.
Right.
You know who I mean? Yes.
Yeah.
Just a bit of an odd reference.
Yes, but you know who I mean.
Yes, just violinist.
Yes.
You know who I mean.
Okay, fine.
And But you know who I mean? Yes? Okay.
Yeah.
But you know who I mean? Yes.
Good.
Fine.
Right.
Well, that wasn't even her.
So who's racist now? That is fact! That is fact.
No way! No, no, no! Absolutely not.
You wouldn't do it to Obama, would you? You'd spot this one.
You'd spot that! He's fucking crazy.
Right.
We'll do this We'll do this and then I will finish.
Right.
I have learnt how to memorize a deck of playing cards, right? Now, I've done it a few times, it doesn't always work.
We'll try it tonight.
I need somebody to help.
Do you mind helping me, just because you're near to the stairs? - What's your name, sorry? - Chloe.
[Mohammed.]
Can we have a nice round of applause for Chloe? Thank you very much, Chloe.
If you could just come up here.
Thank you very much, Chloe.
And if you can sit on that, just facing that way, that would be great.
So it doesn't take me too long to memorize them, but it does require complete silence.
So here we go.
Okay.
Okay.
It's the tiniest things.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Okay, right, Chloe, what I want you to do Is that your name? - That is my name, yeah.
- Sorry, you'd think that Sorry.
So what I want you to do is hold them like that, Chloe, and I want you to turn them over one at a time.
Oh! Um If I get it right, just throw it down on the floor and move on to the next one.
Okay, so that was the king of hearts.
So the next one should be I think the jack of clubs.
Is that correct? [Chloe.]
Yeah.
I think the seven of spades, is that right? Yeah.
Then the eight of diamonds.
- Not the ace, the eight No, hang on.
- No.
- Ten of hearts.
- Yeah.
Then it's the ace of diamonds.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- The four of spades? - Yeah.
- The seven of hearts? - Yup.
- And then it's the four of diamonds? - Yeah.
The ace of clubs and the nine of clubs.
Yeah.
And then the jack of spades? - Yeah.
- Queen of diamonds? Yup.
Not the funniest section, is it? I'll try and tell you what I'm doing.
Genuinely, it's called the Method of Loci.
Every card that has a person associated with it and like a particular place.
And you alternate person, place, journey, so queen of diamonds, last one? That's the Queen of England in my head.
Now I see her going clubbing in Seven Sisters.
Is that seven of clubs? And then on stage, on the club in Seven Sisters, is Alan Titchmarsh singing "Bohemian Rhapsody.
" - The queen of spades? - Yeah.
I won't be long.
So, no, no.
- Because I'll forget.
The ten of diamonds? - Yeah.
Then six of clubs? This is so fucking difficult.
I can't imagine why he puts himself through this.
[Mohammed.]
Jack of hearts, three of spades? - And then the eight of spades? - Yeah.
That was a guess.
Six of hearts, ten of clubs and then five of diamonds? Then the king of diamonds and then the four of - Is it the joker? - Yeah.
Throw it away.
We don't need it.
- And then it's the two of clubs.
- Yeah.
Three of hearts.
Then the eight of diamonds.
Then it's Yeah, five cards left.
Yes.
It'd be a shame, wouldn't it? You know what I mean? It would be a shame.
No, no, no.
Hang on.
I think it's the five of clubs, is that right? - Yeah.
- Yes.
Okay, the king of What haven't I said? I think it's king of spades.
Is it? That is the jack of diamonds, the eight of clubs - and the ten of spades, is that right? - Yes! Thank you, Chloe.
Thank you so much, Chloe.
Thank you.
Right.
So Feedback.
You've been lovely.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
Thank you very much.
[cheering and applause.]
[man.]
And in you go.
[Ryan.]
Well done! That was fantastic.
Mr.
Swallow.
- It was really good.
- Thank you.
Our final comedian of the night is the incomparable Jimmy Carr.
[cheering and applause.]
Jimmy and I try to outdo each other with the surgery.
It's an expensive and life-threatening game we play.
Just the other day, I told my doctor I want '80s tits.
You know, the kind that look more fake than Jimmy's new hair.
It's rude putting hair that black close to teeth that white.
Jimmy's teeth are so white, they would call the police on his hair's family barbecue.
Please welcome the man whose tooth fairy pays in bitcoin, it's Jimmy Carr! [cheering and applause.]
Yeah! Hey, everyone.
Ta-da! Thanks very much.
Very nice of you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Obviously, I work quite a lot with Katherine Ryan.
We're all fans, yeah? Right.
She was head girl at school.
Non-official title.
But that is what they called her.
People say the best things in life are free.
But those people have clearly never had sex.
My rule is never text whilst you're driving because you never know what you're gonna message someone when you're drunk.
Should we talk about COVID? [audience exclaiming.]
Yes! Talking about COVID, I was very involved with Clap for Carers.
I slept with two nurses, caught it off the first one, gave it to the second.
That joke's not hurting anyone, which is why I wrote this joke.
Being fat made you more susceptible to COVID-19.
I'm not being funny, but it was more difficult for fat people to socially distance.
People say, "You can't blame the Chinese.
" Watch me now.
COVID was made in China, right? And people seem surprised by that.
Everything's fucking made in China.
If you think we could afford a British-made virus, you're living in a fucking dream world, mate.
So President Biden beat Trump in the U.
S.
election.
Right? Joe Biden really reminds me of JFK, in that he won't last a full term.
They're not going to need a sniper on a grassy knoll, are they? I reckon a cold snap might do it.
Knife crime, huge problem.
What could be done? Well, simple solution, guns.
There's no knife crime in America, is there? In America, the people most likely to own guns are poor, uneducated white men or, as I like to call them, the police.
Fifteen billion bullets are produced every year.
Fifteen billion.
That's enough to shoot everyone on Earth twice, or Piers Morgan 15 billion times.
I don't want to name drop, but Piers Morgan is actually a close personal cunt.
Meghan Markle is a lifelong feminist, which she's demonstrated by marrying a prince and giving up her job.
If that's offensive, where I'm going is not great.
Since getting married to Prince Harry, Meghan Markle has been subjected to a torrent of racist abuse.
But Prince Philip is gone now, safe to come back, I reckon.
My house is actually built on a burial site.
It wasn't when I moved in, but now This next one is my favorite joke in the set.
Last year, we said goodbye to the self-proclaimed grandfather of rock and roll, Little Richard.
He died after a long battle with a wop bop a loo bop a lop bam bone cancer.
It's been a pleasure meeting you this evening.
Thank you very much indeed for listening to me.
I'll hand you back to Katherine.
Thank you very much indeed.
Cheers.
Goodnight.
Thank you.
[cheering and applause.]
[Ryan.]
Jimmy Carr! That was hilarious.
That's it for tonight's show.
Please give a huge round of applause for Desiree Burch, Seann Walsh, Nick Mohammed and, of course, Jimmy Carr.
So as I once told an ex-boyfriend when he wore sandals, we're done now.
Good night.
[cheering and applause.]
Nick, I'd never properly seen you before.
We'd not gigged together.
I've only seen you on television.
I think we did do a gig together.
Once.
But it wasn't a gig, it was like a taster pilot I don't think you've got a great memory, so I don't know.
I think Katherine's probably right about that.
Remember we did that gig at that school? Maybe something rings a bell.
Ten years ago at, like, Ladbroke Grove or something.
What's it like to have a memory like that? To remember every shit thing? - Nick, your magic went so well.
- [Mohammed.]
Thank you.
- So well.
- Geoff loves magic.
I do now.
It was absolutely brilliant.
Absolutely stormed it.
It was great.
- Thanks, Seann.
- Did you have a nice time, Seann? Were the nerves worth it? This is terrible, and I wish I could change this mentality, but I've probably never gone on thinking, "This is going to go well.
" I'm always there going, "It's gonna be a disaster.
They're gonna hate me.
" - I'm the same.
- Really? No, no, just watching him.
Well, massively grateful that you took the time to come here today.
I love you all so much.
It's so nice to hang with you.
- Thank you.
- I mean, I would love to stay longer, but actually, that is contractually all I'm obliged to do.
[Burch laughing.]
Yes.
Yes.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Go on, just start going through them and I'll shout out the cards.
- You've memorized these? - I've memorized every single one.
- [Ryan.]
Okay? - Okay.
- Ten of clubs.
- No.
- Eight of diamonds.
- No.
- Four of hearts.
- No.
The I fucking hate magic.
[music playing.]