Backstage with Katherine Ryan (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

Predatory Behaviour

1 Hi.
I'm Katherine Ryan, and I've taken over the spectacular London Roundhouse.
I've got my own show.
Me, a woman.
I can't wait for Daily Mail readers to slide into my DMs and call me a whore.
We didn't have Uber, we had to rely on giving handjobs for rides home.
I'll be joined by four of the funniest comedians around.
These are tears of laughter! Touch my tits.
There you go.
And get to the club before 9:00 to not lose your virginity.
"Not today, bredrin.
" But this is a standup show with a twist, because I've put cameras everywhere.
Who's fucking? That's all I'm interested in.
Yes, you'll see the comedians on stage.
But you'll also see just how much make-up and therapy it takes to get them there.
It's not easy, what we do.
Frankie is going to town on that croissant.
Kind of hot.
They're some of the funniest comics alive.
This is Backstage with Katherine Ryan.
Here I am.
Ooh, lovely jubbly.
- Hello, Judi Love.
- Oh, my gosh, babes! - It's nice to see you.
- Nice to see you, too! - Hey! - Hi, Sara.
- It's already a party in here.
- That's what we do.
When Ivo gets too much, come down, Judi.
- I will.
- See you in a bit.
I'm excited about tonight.
You can do so many things but you get on the stage and like, "This is where I'm supposed to be.
" The thing is, as quite a posh entitled person, I go into any room and I'm like, "This is where I'm supposed to be.
- "This is all mine.
" - Yours and your ancestors'.
- What's up? Hey.
- Hello! How are you? - I'm good.
- Are you still doing yoga all the time? - Yeah.
- You must be so advanced now.
No, I generally yell in anguish once or twice a session.
- In anguish? - Yeah, like a genuine It's so the opposite of yogic.
- Hi! - Hello! - I'm so excited to see everyone stand up.
- Have you not been gigging? No! I've been trying to look after myself.
Do little things, be home.
- I got a colonic.
- Mmm.
- That was bad.
- Why did you think it would not be bad? Well, because I feel like I'm a middle-class, white lady now and I should be doing Gwyneth Paltrow things.
I'm spoilt.
"Let's shove a tube up my ass" kind of fun.
I hated it! Yeah, but I could have predicted that.
I've done it almost like years ago.
I'm not comfortable admitting this, but it's what you do as a comedian, - "I'll probably get a joke out of this.
" - Yeah.
I didn't really.
It was just pathetic.
She went, "I've only got women's paper knickers.
" So that was a bad start.
I was wearing women's pants.
And then as she put, there's like a metal end in those things.
Oh, God, Frankie.
As she did it, she went, "I'm sorry about this, Frankie.
" But having given me no indication that she recognized me, suddenly We'd grown intimate.
Intimate terms, yeah.
Anyone for a croissant? - Hold onto your knickers.
- I'll take another croissant.
I need to really napkin up here with my beard, man.
I'll be shaking these crumbs off me for the rest of the day.
- Great lineup.
Frankie Boyle.
- Yup.
I love and admire Frankie as a writer, as a comic.
Always loved him.
But he was known in this country as being the edgelord.
He's one of those comedians, we all want to be writing at that level.
We'll never write at that level.
None of us have the inner sadness that it takes to write at that level.
Sara Pascoe's on the show.
Is it harder to do feminist stuff now? It feels like a subject that has got to a point where the audience go, "Oh," - even if they're feminists.
- Sara's audience would not be like, "This is too feminist.
" Sara's audience come in there, full bush, armpit hair, Germaine Greer novel tucked under the arm.
I'm worried about roasting her.
I don't wanna hurt her feelings.
I'm low on jokes.
I have to self-roast.
What's the meanest thing we could say about Sara? - She looks like a horse in drag.
- No! Ivo is super posh, super cute.
Ivo Graham's here.
Better lock up your daughters, or he'll offer to teach them how to play Dungeons & Dragons.
Judi Love is on the show.
She's a single mom, so I was going to say, "Judi's career took off at the same time as her children's father.
" But if that's true, I can't say it.
So I'll say it about myself.
Not a big deal, but it's my birthday today.
I hate birthdays.
I hate people like, "It's my birthday week, it's my birthday month.
" "Good job being born.
Anyone else?" - Didn't know you felt like that.
- Yeah.
Stand by.
crying and you've gotta turn around and go, "Darling, these are tears of laughter.
I'm finding this hilarious.
" How old are your children, Judi? My son is 11 and my daughter, she's 16.
And they're just, they at those age, isn't they? Teenagers and stuff.
I was a good girl until I got to 14 and I was like, "Forget this! Yeah, I'm going out, I'm doing my thing.
" I think I mucked around more in my 20's.
In my first year in London after Uni, I lived with my grandma.
We had a system where if I stayed over anywhere, can't stress enough, it was never romantically, I would email her so that she'd wake up in the morning, "What's he doing?" - Go to her email.
- Check her email and she'd got an email from me at 4:00.
So your grandma was a major part of your life? - Big part of my life.
- That is so sweet.
I loved my gran.
She passed away at Christmas.
Let's hail up to Granny, come on.
To Nanny Claire, a can of water which would have blown her mind.
Cheers to my dad as well.
He went last year.
Oh, gosh! We're going to have to go through all our families.
My great aunt, still going.
The cat that we had for three months.
But we're still - Hey! - Hello.
- We were toasting each other's relatives.
- All that have died.
Judi's dad and my gran.
I wish they had met.
- She was 92.
- Oh, my gosh, so was my daddy! Excuse me.
Your father was 92? Yeah.
The thing is, my mom and dad had me quite late.
Yeah, I know, my mom thought it was menopause, but no, it was me.
"music without feeling like a serial killer in an ITV two-part drama.
"You know, a lot of comedians went to public school" We don't get told that we can have babies in our 40's.
They're like, "Hurry up, girls.
Lock them down.
" They want us to have babies young like Ivo.
How old were you when your daughter was born? - Twenty-eight.
- Bullshit.
- Why do we do that? I was 25.
- I was 25.
It was my first, yeah.
- If they told us - I would have left it longer.
- I regret nothing.
- Because your perineum is still intact.
I'm aware that my perineum has come out of this whole process glowing.
All I wanna know in comedy is who's fucking.
That's all I'm interested in.
I think it's a gossip-light industry.
I think people are in the cupboard, in the room, in the office, "We're just fixing the mic," but they're getting piece.
I think that what's happened is the young circuit are banging.
And we have outgrown it a little bit.
So now I'm going, "Who's fucking?" All the people who used be are married and have kids.
When I see hot young singles like yourselves, I get excited.
Hot young? I'll take the hot.
I don't know about the young.
You're hot young.
You know your parents lived into their 100's.
Yes, I got good 50 years left of getting some good, sturdy dick.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Some good, sturdy what? - Dick! - I feared that was what it was.
They always do something posh, and that's part of deflation.
That's not how it works, How many people here are Frankie dresses like a homeless person who won the lottery, but stuck with the look.
Frankie is so somber when he laughs, it's like he just remembered a scene from his favorite snuff film.
And he's got one.
For me, Frankie is somewhat of a father figure because there's always the threat of us having sex.
Too far? It depends on your dad.
I think the main person that's too far for is your dad.
What about Sara? She would have been burned as a witch in the old days either for her intelligence or just because she doesn't fucking stop talking.
Sara is such a feminist, when I had a son, she sent a condolence card.
I like that.
Words can't describe how attractive Sara Pascoe is, but numbers can.
Six out of ten.
You all right, Ivo? I am an absolute bag of nerves.
So bloody nervous.
What am I doing? - Hiya.
- Can I take you for sound check? - Okay.
- Thank you.
Ladies and gents, it's Frankie Boyle! Hello, and sounds fine to me.
That's good.
And then my last line is about trying to fuck a Nazi, and I go, "Thanks, good night.
" Oh, my God! It looks like Kevin Hart and Dave Chappelle's gonna come out in there.
- It's super glamorous.
Super chic.
- It is It's Look I've got goose pimples even thinking about it.
Oh, my goodness.
Just running for Ivo.
"Ivo's so posh, he didn't play soggy biscuit at school.
"He played soggy macaroon.
" "Ivo's so smart, he doesn't just know where the clitoris is, "he thought of a better place to put it.
" "It's nice to have Judi on the show.
"Normally when a white woman with my accent is on camera with someone like Judi "it's 'cause she's in a Walmart being accused of assault.
" "Judi Love sounds like a stripper whose real name is Angela Smith.
" "Judi appeared on the first ever all Black episode of Loose Women.
"That made white people angrier than Marcus Rashford's generosity.
" Yes! - So, I'm gonna measure up some lashes.
- Yes.
My eyes are quite big, so they never usually need cutting.
No cutting at all.
Perfect fits.
- My eyes are big.
- Hello.
You're working with a big-eyed girl, babes.
You are working with one of the most narrow-eyed comedians in the business.
Due to nerves and light I'll frequently have my eyes near closed on stage.
And once someone came up and asked what it was like being a blind comedian.
No! We publicize.
Here's where I am, where I'll be alone at night.
- It's very dangerous.
- People know exactly where you are.
This guy gave me a paper silk rose.
He was like, "I got this for you.
" I was like, "Thanks.
" This was before I had a tour manager.
I was younger, thinner.
- Yeah.
- And I was taking the train.
I was on the train, holding the rose with my stuff.
I was smelling it and I got home and I opened up my Instagram and he had DM'd me, "I hope you like the rose," with a series of photos of him absolutely violating that rose.
It was in my face.
I was like, "This is a nice rose.
" - It smelled, like, fragrant.
- Dicks smell nice.
He had a nice smelling dick.
Have you had, because I had it recently, where you've done a job and someone contacted you saying, "That's my rapist.
" - No! - I had it on a job recently where I've had to go to the channel and you feel such a responsibility, but you want it to be dealt with well.
You don't want it to be like that thing that happened with BAFTA.
If you don't want to go on the record, it's not a police issue, - so complicated.
- Oh, my God! I've done a show with someone I and you believe is a predator.
What am I supposed to do? I thought about that.
I was like, "Do I not do it?" But it's a messy thing 'cause I don't have proof.
Am I supposed to not feed my children because someone else In that instance that you're referencing, it was about raising it, rather than - I raised it.
- Yeah, exactly.
I called him a predator to his face in front of everyone every day.
Where's he hiding? Hiding Wonder if it's too late to get him on the show.
- Very nice.
- Hiya! - Hiya.
- Hey, Frankie.
What have I done? Oh, my God.
I've just done - Sorry.
- It is all happening.
Judi has released a video of her ranting and it's set the Internet alight.
I've become terrified of social media.
Well, babes, I'm not surprised with your mouth.
I know you think of things and just don't put them down.
Not a bad rule.
You should put that out, you know what you can and can't say.
Sean Connery died, and it was quite early in the morning when news came in.
So, I was one of the first people to see the news, and I thought of tweeting, "They've shaken him and he's not stirred.
" - Did you tweet that? Oh my God.
- No, I just thought it might not hick.
- When did you realize you wanna do comedy? - I was about 16.
I thought, "This would be a real doss.
Like, it'd be a real way of not working.
" And it seems that these guys only do 20 minutes.
My parents don't have any frame of reference for it.
Like my mum, she saw Michael Barrymore years ago and she'd never asked me about work, and she went, "Is that like what you do?" I'm like, "Yeah, pretty much.
" And she quite happy 'cause that seemed - Yeah.
- What about you? So as a kid, I do remember really idolizing Whoopi Goldberg, but I didn't think it was possible.
And then at 30 was when I was like, "Sod this! I'm giving it a try.
" It's also British comedies are pretty much a moral culture.
It was pretty much all just middle-class English people, no offence, - and for a long time.
- Good to still have a few in there.
See you later.
And she was going abroad to do it, and there's another thing where I think people put themselves through so much - 'cause of the hope, and she wanted it.
- Hi.
Judi! Are you overdressed? 'Cause it says "Overdressed.
" I like it.
I love it.
You need to draw more attention to your boobs.
I know.
They are just not out there enough.
We were talking about predators in comedy and you come in and we're allowed to still say stuff like, "Your boobs look great.
" - I'm so sorry about that.
- It's all right.
Did you ever feel predated on? In different scenarios, more from promoters, to be honest with you.
I've got into gigs and not been acknowledged at all.
Especially when you are the only female in the lineup.
And then you go in and no one's not talking to you.
Or I've been asked if I'm the cleaner.
- That's awful.
- Wow.
And I think, unfortunately, as a big strapping Black woman, it's just assumed that I wouldn't feel intimidated or I'd get on with it or I'd be all right.
I had a situation years ago, there was a gig in the Isle of Wight, I'd bought a £30 Travelodge at Southampton.
You get the ferry and stay there.
And one of the other comics - said he had no money, nowhere to stay.
- Oh, God, I've heard He said he was gonna be homeless that night.
It was so awful.
When we got to the hotel, I said to him, "Can I go up and have a bath?" He went, "No, you won't come back.
" Did you let him up? He slept on the floor of my room.
Sorry, I need to take you to make-up.
- Okay, great, thank you.
- That is aw - It was - Are you okay to go with him? - There he is.
- Yeah, I'm trustworthy.
I didn't sleep.
I locked myself in the bathroom.
He was laughing and going, "I'm not gonna do anything.
" But if you did, everyone would go, "Why did you let him in your room?" - You need to learn how to bitch-slap.
- No, I don't! Teach her.
We'll do a taekwondo lesson down the corridor.
Show me.
Have you ever bitch-slapped? No, not any kind of slap.
- I know you have, I know you have.
- No! - Don't lie! - I'm sweet too I know you've bitch-slapped.
Do you need me to just talk? Is that what you need me to do? I probably be like this.
What a year.
We had the pandemic, we had Black Lives Matter, we had Amazon, you cleared the fuck up, didn't you? Oh, my days.
I've been Judi Love.
Enjoy your evening.
Oh, my God.
Okay, that's nerve-wracking.
- Hi.
You all right? - I'm doubting about a lot of my material.
- Do you wanna email it? - Geoff? And it will happen.
- Go, Geoff, happy birthday! - Thank you.
- Happy birthday, mate! - Thank you.
Happy birthday! Katherine's here! Happy birthday! It's a muffin with a Flakey.
- Happy birthday! - Thank you.
- Cheers.
I'll enjoy it.
- Katherine made us get it.
- I appreciate you, Geoff.
- Thank you.
- Getting closer now, Judi.
- I know.
Fuck! It's not easy, what we do.
- Sara, let's see what you'll wear.
- Great.
This is my first choice.
- I like those.
- They are pretty.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Right today, Frankie, would you like a pink shirt, a maroon shirt or a navy shirt? You're the expert.
What a gorgeous outfit.
Sorry, I'm looking up your bosoms.
Preparing for my gig in a very normal way.
Oh, my gosh, where is my hair band gone? No, it wasn't there.
That's the audience? They look like they're up for it.
Now I just wanna get on.
There's no time, Pascoe, you had your time to wee, and it's gone.
It's got a bit more jittery.
Can you wait for me one sec? A final urine.
- There's a lot of people in there.
- Yeah.
In three, two Please welcome on stage, the wonderful Katherine Ryan! Wow! That sounds proper.
They love Katherine, man.
Look at those tits! - You can't say it, but I can.
- That's what I was laughing at.
Hello! Thank you so much for being here.
I'm Katherine Ryan and welcome to the iconic London Roundhouse.
This is a very female heavy audience.
I like it.
Give me a cheer, ladies.
We never see that.
Our comedy lineups get called female heavy if there is more than one of us.
What a lineup we have tonight.
We have some of the funniest comics alive.
He's one of the greatest ever UK comics.
Frankie Boyle is on the show.
A room of young women are like, "Who the fuck?" Frankie is famous for his controversial jokes, so he won't mind me saying that he looks like a leg of ham that got dropped on a barber shop floor.
He's a good man.
He once went on a hunger strike to support a prisoner in Guantánamo Bay.
I know.
I once went on a hunger strike because I was doing an American panel show and wanted to look snatched.
Next up, one of nearest and dearest friends, and one of the funniest people I know, Sara Pascoe is on the show.
Yes, ma'am.
Of course she is.
I'm nervous about what she's gonna say about us.
She's nice to girls.
You'll see.
As many of you know, I recently became a dad for the first time.
I received a lot of well wishes from my friends, but Sara is such a feminist that when she heard I had a son, she sent me a condolence card.
I didn't need them to tell me he was a boy, I knew the moment he came out, spoke over a nurse and slapped the midwife.
Then we've got the queen of Loose Women herself, Judi Love is on the show.
- I'm excited now.
- Yeah? That's good.
Judi appeared in the first all-Black episode of Loose Women.
Hey! Yes.
No, no.
It made white people angrier than Marcus Rashford's generosity.
We've also got the hilarious Ivo Graham here tonight.
- Repping for the men.
- That's me.
Repping for the men, and Frankie.
Ivo is posh, but liberal.
There's something sexy about posh guys, don't you think? Knowing they have Mummy issues and could get your daughter into a good school.
Tell me again how you know the Dean at Westminster College, Ivo? He is so smart, he doesn't just know where the clitoris is, he thought of a better place to put it.
Having him here tonight is a privilege just like his entire life.
Please welcome to the stage, Ivo Graham! Good evening, London.
How you doing? Very glamorous to be at the Roundhouse.
Very exciting.
Done a lot of unglamorous gigs recently.
Last year, I did a Freshers Week comedy gig on Zoom.
I'll say that again so the bleakness can fill the room, I did a Freshers Week comedy gig on Zoom.
Have to finish school without any fanfare or parties, or music festivals, or interrailing.
Exam results jeopardized by the government.
Get to University, essentially a full-priced prison camp, and yet, to stare into the gallery view of the Saint Andrew's University Freshers Week Zoom comedy night, I still had the palpable sense that I was the worst bit of the whole thing.
'Cause most of them looked bored and one of them voted with his feet by spending my entire 20-minute set on the other side of his kitchen visibly cooking a risotto.
Sometimes the non-verbal heckles cut deeper than the verbal ones.
I consider myself a relatively youthful 30 years old, but never have I felt further removed from generation Z than watching a child cooking a risotto in supposedly the most debauched week of his life.
I don't wanna be a tediously nostalgic, "remember pot noodle" comedians but, guys, remember pot noodles! It was a simpler time boiling a pot noodle in Freshers Week, 2008 and just downing it immediately, not letting it cool a second, scalding your gullet for the entire week 'cause you couldn't wait to get that synthetic beef and tomato inside you and get to the club before 9:00 to not lose your virginity.
Those were the days.
Risotto is not a Freshers Week meal.
It is a meal you tend after a tragedy.
And my 20-minute comedy set on Zoom essentially became me begging one 18-year-old to rush his dinner.
Saying increasingly pathetic things like, "Couldn't you just pour all the stock in at once?" To which he replied, "But then it won't cream.
" Another knife to my heart, but undeniably strong cooking advice.
I haven't known you long, London, but I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I would hate for any of your risottos to go uncreamed on my time.
He said earlier that someone thought he was blind.
When you watch him on stage he does look blind.
Oh, my God.
I saw it when his eyes closed.
Done a lot of time at the park, the playground, pushing my daughter on the swings.
I was chatting to a dad pushing his daughter on the swing, he said, "What are your plans after this?" I said, "No plans for the next six months tbh.
" He said, "If you're interested, in about 15 minutes, "there's a man who sings songs under a tree on the other side of the park, "and if you wanted a pure insight into the parenting experience, "look no further.
" The fact that a phrase like, "There's a man singing songs under a tree "on the other side of the park" can be offered, not as a warning of the urgent need to take the long route, but as a timeout recommendation of what's hot in your local area.
What a lovely double-date it sounded.
Off we trooped to the tree to watch the man who looked exactly as we pictured him.
Lovely, hopeful smile, slightly disheveled appearance, not a CRB check in sight, but he could play.
Couldn't complain about the set list, starting with "Baa Baa Black Sheep" finished with "Wheels on the Bus.
" My daughter lost her shit to it, like it's "Don't Stop Believing" on a hen do.
It wasn't my favorite "Wheels on the Bus," but I was prepared to forgive.
He entertained our children, it ended and the mood there was good.
He said, "If you've enjoyed, if you paid £3, that would be great.
" Okay, he's entertained our children.
My problem, £3.
I had £20 note in my wallet, I saw it, he saw it, the Mexican standoff increased.
He said, "You can take change.
" I made the right choice to gingerly lower the £20 note on to the guitar case, and fix him with a steely glare as if to say, "This is a season pass.
"I'll see you next week, same time, same tree.
" By the way, while I'm here, "The wheels on the bus go all day long.
" They do not go "all through the town.
" I don't know which bastardized American cartoon version people are getting this rubbish.
Where I come from, and I'm so pleased you're relating to this as hard as I hoped you would.
We pride ourselves on an all-day bus service, and we do not care if the less populated areas are not served by that bus.
If you live in the burbs, you'll have to walk.
Thank you for having me.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
I've been Ivo Graham.
Well done, Ivo Graham.
Yeah! Well done, Ivo.
Ivo Graham, everyone.
Ivo Graham.
Well done, Ivo.
It's time for the incredible Judi Love.
Judi's career took off just as her kids became teenagers, so they don't give a shit.
"If it didn't happen on TikTok, it didn't happen.
" as my daughter always says.
Judi once opened for Dave Chappelle.
I mean, she says, but no one checks that.
So, like, what did you open? His car door? His J2O? Are you ready? Please give a very warm welcome to Judi Love! Yeah! - Just a star, isn't she? Judi Love.
- Yeah.
Star quality.
How's everyone doing? I'm Jamaican.
Any Jamaicans in the house? Show me the gun finger.
I don't know them.
I don't.
I don't know them.
Jamaica is a beautiful place.
I went there the other day.
My dad died, you know.
It was really, really hard.
It was a very hard time.
My dad was 92 and I went to the funeral.
And you know what? My dad only had women carrying his casket.
Only women! My daddy was a don.
But these women were like, "No, me love him.
" And they were walking.
I was telling myself, "I think they're just wanting to feel his body weight one more time.
" I mean, we've had some hard times.
Dating has got really hard.
If you're single and in those desperate situations, anything can happen.
You talk to a man online and he seems really nice and then you meet up with him, and you're like, "Gosh, your hair looks like it's been cut by the council.
" I met a man who looked like he was coming out of jail tomorrow.
You understand? But dating in your 20's is different.
You're 20, 21, this is the young time, this is the fresh time, where you find that vibrant love.
When you've got strength in your knees and can do all those acrobat sex.
Do you understand? You don't mind if the wig drop off.
I'm pissed when You know what I'm talking about, okay.
Moments where you've got the man, you're like, "I'm fine.
" You look at the mirror and the wig is dropping.
You're like, "Mmm-mmm.
"Not today, bredrin.
" But when you're in your 40's, it changes.
Who's in their 40's? Okay, some of you, listen That's a damn drag, yeah? Some of you bitches are lying to yourself, okay? Well, listen, when you're 40, dating changes, okay? The men I get attracted to is the kind of guy that I phone and he says, "Babes, can't talk to you now, I'm on the phone to the accountant.
" And I'm just like, "Oh, God, my pussy is wet!" That's the kind of brother I'm like, "Take me from behind.
" But you know, we had Black Lives Matter.
All the white people, "Yes!" With Black Lives Matter, so much happened, I think to myself, "If only Black people could be loved "as much as white middle-class people's dogs.
" Know what I'm saying? I see Snuffles and Fredo, you know, and Pookie and Molly running up and down in Dulwich Village and they're living their best life, bitch.
I want some of that inheritance.
Know what I'm saying? 'Cause they're getting their money left behind from their mama and papa.
That's all we're asking for.
Judi's being an absolute star.
We had Black Lives Matter and we also had Karens.
Karens had it hard, didn't they? Oh, man.
They felt discriminated against.
Understand what I mean? They felt like ostracized from society, segregated, they felt threatened.
They felt like the police and society didn't take their words seriously.
They felt that their lives was in danger.
I thought to myself, "Karen, welcome to the Black experience, bitch!" What I did love to see in Black Lives Matter is the white allies.
My God! If you wanna complain about something, get a white person to complain.
But I do get a lot of white men approach me.
I see some of you looking at me.
Desiring to jump in the chocolate sea.
And they always say, "Oh, God, can I touch your hair?" I end up turning to Matrix, so I'm kind of like, "No!" "What is it? I just wanna touch it.
" "No.
" To be honest, I'm not offended by it.
I think when you see something beautiful you wanna touch it, innit? I see you, and I know you're young and I want you to get the Black experience.
Come and touch it.
Come on.
Did you see how fast he jumped up? He's like, "I'm here! "I'm here for that!" No, come.
- You're getting me again, aren't you? - No! Touch it.
How's it feel? Oh, hello.
- Soft, innit? - Yeah.
That's what my pubes feel like, babes.
Have a little smell.
Have a little smell.
Coconut pussy, there you go.
Listen, my name is Judi Love! Enjoy your evening! - Well done, Judi.
- Thank you, babes.
Judi Love, everyone.
Well done, Judi.
Time now for one of my favorite people, Sara Pascoe.
Sara and I are from a different time in comedy.
Alcohol used to be foreplay.
We didn't have Uber, we had to give hand jobs for rides home, you know.
Welcome a lady who has written more books than I have read, it's Sara Pascoe.
Hi! Hi! Hello! My name's Sara, I like to start my gigs by telling people how successful I am, because sometimes they don't know.
Eighteen months ago I was on the tube and a man stopped me.
He's very polite.
He stopped me and said, "I'm sorry, this is gonna sound very strange, "but you really look like a comedian called Sara Pascoe.
"No offence.
" So I had to pretend that I didn't know who I was.
That would have been incredibly awkward.
But as I say, things are actually going really well, bits of my life have really changed because of my job.
Like, I have a cleaner.
It's weird 'cause I grew up working class, I've got a chip on my shoulder.
If you make a mess, you're supposed to tidy up.
Don't pay someone else.
But I now know, so would you, who have got a cleaner, you don't have to feel guilty because they don't clean.
We do, before they come over.
I do it all on a Monday so Carol doesn't see how I live.
What does Carol do at my house on Tuesday if the place is spick and span? She's invented a game.
I didn't know it was a game the first time, it's called find my vibrator.
The first time it happened I thought it was a comment.
I didn't know what she was saying, but after she left, my vibrator wasn't in its hiding place anymore.
She'd popped it on my pillow at the top of my bed.
And I was looking at it thinking, "Carol, what does it mean?" Is she trying to say, "The kind of woman who hires a cleaner "is probably so lazy, she lies around masturbating all day"? I'm embarrassed.
I'm ashamed that she's found it.
She knows I've got one and moved it.
So I thought I'd hide it better next week to save embarrassment.
Somewhere she won't go.
So I thought about where to put it for a long time.
I put it in Trivial Pursuit.
I put it inside the board game Trivial Pursuit.
Lid on, it's in a drawer with other board games.
Three hours later, door slams, Carol's gone, and it's on my bed again.
The week after that, I thought I cracked it, that I was a genius.
Where would she never ever go? I put it with the cleaning products under the sink with all the sprays.
Three hours later, it was on my bed again.
And by now I've become so anxious about 'Cause what are we doing? How does she describe this to her friends? "I'll just get rid of the vibrator, throw it away.
"I can't use it anymore, all I think about is Carol.
"I'll just throw it away.
" I'm worried, if it's not there, what if she can't leave? What if she needs to find it to release herself from a spell? If it's gone, she'll just live with me, just going through cupboards and look under floorboards.
"No, I can't.
" So what I did instead, it was on a Monday, I tidied up my flat and the last thing I did Tuesday morning was I put my vibrator where she thinks it lives, which is on my pillow, at the top of my bed like a precious artifact in a museum.
Three hours later, Carol's gone, and so is the vibrator.
And I don't know where she's put it.
Maybe she borrowed it.
I don't know.
Lots of other lovely things happened in life.
I got married a couple of years ago.
Thank you, it's weird to clap it.
I was really anti-marriage before I got married and lots of you are so young, you're thinking, "My God, marriage! "It's a massive commitment.
" It doesn't have to be.
I'm his second wife.
So I know he doesn't see it through.
I just relax and enjoy myself.
Marriage means a lot to people.
The worst advice I got, several people said to me, "Sara, marriage, you know though, "it's about compromise.
"You've really gotta listen to each other, "and meet in the middle.
" And I just don't agree.
What if the things your husband wants are awful? My husband wants things that I don't, like a threesome.
He thinks it's a terrific idea.
I'll do an impression of him.
He's Australian.
Get ready.
"We could get somebody else involved in the bedroom.
" I said, "No, I can do all of it.
"I'll just move my arms and legs quicker.
"I can whizz around the bed a bit.
"I could put on a funny voice, you won't know in the dark.
'Touch my tits.
' There you go.
" That's that done.
Thank you so much for having me.
I'll give you back to my beautiful Katherine.
Well done.
I love it.
Sara Pascoe.
Let her hear it one more time.
- Amazing.
- Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our final comedian of the night, Frankie Boyle.
I know.
I can't believe it either.
If Frankie wasn't in comedy, the main thing I'd say to him is, "I'm not giving you money, but I'll buy some food for your dog.
" Welcome the man who's so somber that when he laughs, it's like he just remembered a scene from his favorite snuff film, Frankie Boyle! - Well done.
- Thank you.
Hello! Do you remember, right back at the start of COVID, when it looked like it might be quite funny? Do you remember the really early days when it had that body count roughly similar to Love Island? Boris Johnson said that contingency plans had been made for his death.
That's true, I bought fireworks.
Obviously, I didn't actually want him to die.
The last thing that we needed at that stage of the virus was street parties.
Taught me a thing or two about the apocalypse though.
I thought the apocalypse was gonna be me sharpening a stick for a fight to the death in an underground car park colosseum, not wandering around a big ASDA just to feel alive.
And it's hard not to feel that Jeffrey Epstein must have really been holding things together behind the scenes.
I enjoyed the Euros.
I thought it was terrible, the racism directed towards those young players after the Euros.
They fucked up a penalty shootout.
How much more English do you want them to be? I can't get used to the idea that Premiership footballers are the good guys now.
Now, when you hear that footballers were involved in a spit-roast, it's probably a community cooking initiative.
I grew up working class, and all that means now is that I can't listen to classical music without feeling like a serial killer in an ITV two-part drama.
But most comedians have some type of privilege.
And you get a lot who go to public school and who went to Oxbridge.
Oxbridge, if you don't know, is a compound word that comes from the words "obnoxious" and "privilege.
" And they tend to deny it.
They're always like, "I wasn't a really posh one at school.
"I was so far down the pecking order at school, "there were nights when I had to rape myself.
" If you're ever in a big group of people, and you don't know if they went to comprehensive or if they went to public school, here's a question you can ask.
Ask them, "Who is the most famous person that went to your school?" It's very hard for public school people to lean in in that one and go, "I suppose it's a toss up between Robert Pattinson "and King Edward VII.
" During lockdown, I started getting into Zoom yoga.
And Zoom yoga has its risks.
Has its risks.
I don't know if you've ever coughed to cover a fart.
But it's possible to get the timing wrong.
And it's like you've cleared your throat to announce a fart.
Nobody warns you about getting older, do they? At puberty someone will tell you what's gonna happen.
No one sits you down at 45 and goes, "Listen, mate, "in a couple of years' time, you're gonna be ejaculating like a party popper "in a flood-damaged pound shop.
" I'm 49, I'm single.
I think I'm basically looking for a woman whose genetic clock is ticking so loudly that it drowns out the voice of reason.
I was talking to a woman online.
She was beautiful.
She's really funny.
She seemed switched on.
She said, "It's good that you're talking to me, "'cause a lot of guys just block me.
" Now that was a red flag.
All right.
So we had a date and I found out what the problem was.
The problem was that she was a Nazi.
And because it was the start of the first lockdown, a big part of me thought, "There might not be a society left to judge me.
"Can I get away with this? "Can I hole up with this Nazi for some crisis sex? "Let's role play.
I'm Poland, right.
"Can we do this?" I just couldn't do it.
I just couldn't bring myself to fucking do it.
And You've gotta look after yourself.
What if you fell in love with a Nazi? What if one night your Nazi wife comes back home and catches you watching Schindler's List? You're crying and you've gotta turn around and go, "Darling, I can explain! "These are tears of laughter.
"I'm finding this hilarious.
" That's the very awkward note that I wanted to create for the end of the show.
It's been a pleasure.
You have been great, here at the Roundhouse.
Take care of yourselves.
Stay blessed.
Well done, well done.
Frankie Boyle! That's it for tonight's show.
A huge round of applause for Ivo Graham, Judi Love, Sara Pascoe and of course, Frankie Boyle.
If you wanna know what happens at the after-party, the best bits will be cited in the forthcoming lawsuit.
Look out for that.
Good night.
- Will you talk about this on Loose Women? - Yes.
- That was good, you seemed polished.
- Thank you.
- You were flowing.
- I'm enjoying.
What's up? - We're having an after-show party here.
- Please, thank you for doing it.
That was a really nice evening and a really nice day.
I've gone over my calories for the day, actually for the week in this one day.
Love having the snacks around.
Snacks are key.
We have the best job.
I'm worried your program's going to encourage too many people to be comedians.
I heard of someone who got signed with Avalon this week 'cause they've got TikTok with 500,000 followers.
They've never done a live gig.
Can I do a weekend? My daughter made me drive to Milton Keynes to see a TikToker's live gig.
What did this child do? Nothing.
Stood there just being like, "Hi.
" And doing TikToks with the children.
My daughter, "I want the TikToker to come to my birthday.
" Now I'm booking a corporate gig, and thank God I'm a woman, 'cause I had to ask this girl, "How much will it cost to get you to dance in my kitchen?" £800! Probably do a TikTok in Edinburgh and they're all doing 60-second shows and stuff like that.
Listen, they have to shut down the theater now.
We have to go.
So, should we wrap it up because they have noise complaints.
- Bye.
- Bye, boo.
Take care of yourself.
- You should put this on.
- Mmm-hmm.
From before, when we got you cake, sang to you and all that shit.
It's not midnight yet, is it? Midnight.
I sent Emma a text.
Your wife says it's not your birthday.
Yeah, it's not my birthday today.
Who makes up having a birthday? I thought I needed something and I just thought It feels like my birthday.

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