Backstage with Katherine Ryan (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Hi.
I'm Katherine Ryan, and I've taken over the magnificent London Roundhouse.
Finally, I've got my own show.
What a victory for my profile I mean, feminism.
We have an amazing lineup, four phenomenal comedians.
Or as a therapist would say, "a new kitchen.
" And I'll be joined by the best of British comedy.
Absolute fucking scum.
Get the Barbra Streisand ready, let's go out bumming.
Now I go to therapy.
Whoo! I'm a difficult wank, at the best of times.
[Katherine.]
But this is a stand-up show Kris Jenner would be proud of, because Mama's put cameras everywhere.
He basically blew raspberry vodka up my arse.
[Katherine.]
And Rob Beckett bravely asks the question on everyone's lips.
Where can I have a shit without being filmed? [Katherine.]
I'm documenting them in their natural habitat, and hope we catch a glimpse of the mating.
I was fucking him.
Vaginas fizz like someone's just popped in a Berocca.
This is Backstage with Katherine Ryan.
Oh, my! It's lovely.
Oh, yeah.
[sniffs.]
Yep, the smell of regret.
Must be a dressing room.
Welcome to the anxiety dome.
[laughs.]
What time do you call this? - I don't like this camera set up.
- You don't like the angles? No, I just find it stressful, just not getting cancelled.
- Can you pass me the water? - Water, yeah.
- Thank you.
- You look nice.
Thanks, babe.
I didn't know what to wear, so I dressed like Alan Partridge.
Brief them in make-up, if you want, - if we start seating people.
- Yeah.
[Sue.]
Michelle! Let me sashay my aging body.
[laughing.]
Look at you getting it all ready.
- Know why - Look at your set list.
No, there's no set list.
I'm writing out the whole set, because I am so fucking rusty.
You think you're rusty? - I know.
Go on.
- Fourteen years! Really? So how are you feeling then, 14 years? - I'm sort of feeling all right.
I mean - Muscle memory.
- I don't know.
- Muscle memory, yeah, no, I reckon.
I've been on the sweet, easy teat of TV presenting.
[both imitate sucking.]
- What's in there, just wine? - Oh, it's nice, pure easy milk.
- And now - Just coming in with a bit of a banter.
Occasional puns, bit of light bants, but not like proper So this is I thought I need some credibility and fast.
That's why I'm doing stand-up now.
But I'm shitting myself.
Look at you, I come in and you're longhand writing it all out.
[beeping.]
- I've asked this before, is that a Rolex? - It's a Tissot.
- Tissot, who's that? - I got it when I did a TV show.
I don't know if it's too flash, having a silvery gold watch.
- It's fine.
- Thinking about getting a fake Rolex.
- A Folex.
- If someone tries to rob me, I'll give it.
People might assume it's real 'cause I'm on the telly.
Have I shown you that one that Troy Deeney gave me? - Troy Deeney? - Certainly.
- The Watford footballer? - Yeah.
- What did Troy Deeney give you? - His heart.
- When did you meet Troy Deeney? - I was fucking him.
[laughing.]
- He's the gay footballer? - No, he's not.
He was on A League of Their Own, sat next to me.
I was captain as Jamie Redknapp wasn't there, so I was the natural choice.
He gave me his watch.
I said, "All right.
" - Gave it to you? - He gave it to me to hold.
I said, "I like your watch.
" Took it off, "Hold it.
" I said, "Is it a Rolex?" He said, "Yes.
" I said, "Lovely.
" He said, "I bought it for 40 and now it's worth 70.
" I was like, "Oh, God!" - [Katherine.]
Hey, Geoff.
- You all right? Yeah, I'm really well.
I'm so excited about the show.
Incredible lineup.
I think it's gonna be good writing for them.
Yeah.
[Katherine.]
Sue Perkins is on the show.
I love Sue.
She does it all.
Presenter, comedian, actress, writer, director.
[Geoff.]
National treasure.
Knowing you, all those accolades will be meaningless - and you'll zero in on her being lesbian.
- Lot of lesbian stuff.
There's hair jokes, you know what I mean, stuff about DIY.
- Can we still do that? - No.
No.
[Katherine.]
Michelle de Swarte is on the show.
[Geoff.]
This is the problem with what Michelle looks like, is she's - Hot.
- Yeah.
But growing up, she would have been too skinny.
I know she's Jewish and Black, she probably got bullied for it, so we could bully her once more.
- Go at her with the Jewish Black thing? - Sure.
Michelle does, she likes it.
Rob Beckett's on the show.
Such a great man.
[Geoff.]
Rob's a very sweet man, but does have the voice of someone who'd go, "I'm just saying, there's too many of them.
" [laughs.]
Yeah.
Maybe Rob Beckett's teeth are big.
If we want to tread new Rob Beckett territory, we can look at the eyes, where they're the opposite of prawn eyes, they're away He's like a hammerhead shark.
[Katherine.]
Tom Allen is a great booking, next to Rob, because of course, they grew up together, they went to the same school.
But they sound like completely different nationalities.
[Geoff.]
I've been in a gay club with him.
Have you? Yeah, I've been in a gay club with him, and he's more macho - I'd say he's a top.
- Really? Instinctively, I'd say he takes charge.
I like where your head's at.
Just when you come in You got better flowers than me, what's goin' on? [Sue.]
I tell you what I have got though, which I love.
A selection of tiny flannels, do you want them? - Do you want 'em? - Kind of, actually.
- Yeah Hello! - Hello, hello.
- [Sue.]
Deep bow.
How you doing? - Black t-shirt club.
I'm well, and what about you? I'm excited to have you here.
Yeah, I'm good.
Kinda weird for me, I haven't done stand-up in so long.
- That's why it's so exciting.
- I don't know, is it? - I think so, yeah.
- You're just nice people.
It'll be like riding a bike.
I'm shit at That was a terrible analogy.
It will be what it will be.
Michelle, now you're in this big HBO series, you're a star.
That's gonna smack, I can't wait.
This is the only person in the world, Michelle, who goes into the makeup chair to get ugly.
I'm in there for three hours a day to pass as a human woman.
You've got a perfect face.
This is, I think, having Botox since I was like 27.
But now, I don't have any in 'cause I'm filming again.
Well, this is it.
So, when we did my sitcom, The Duchess, the plan was, Michelle, don't get Botox.
I stopped getting Botox, since I thought that's what acting was.
- Wasn't a plan.
- You can move your face.
But then we spent the whole of filmin' It's all we spoke about.
- Like a couple of junkies.
- Is it too late to start? - It's never too late.
That's the point.
- Both of you are babies, the pair of you, and you look great, stop that shit.
- Honestly.
- It's too fun.
[man.]
That's right.
That one.
Okay.
I haven't got any meat for your barbecue, which isn't a euphemism.
I've got loads to defrost.
We need some salad.
- Hello.
- Hello, Katherine.
- [Katherine.]
Hi! - Come in.
- Can I come in the boys' room? - Welcome to the lads' room.
Nice to see you! Thank you so much, I know you are both busy.
- The lads' room, did you just call it? - Yeah.
It's not the lads in here, is it? You guys are a beautiful couple, great friends now.
Were you always this close? I'm older than Rob.
People don't realize that 'cause I'm so youthful.
Did you know of each other at school? - I knew you.
- You didn't.
- I did.
- How did you know of me? - You were friends with Tim.
- I was a no-mark at school, in-betweener.
- You weren't.
- I was.
There were those two other guys in your year, one was good-looking.
- There was one good-looking guy? - They were all oiks at my school.
But I knew of Tom 'cause he'd wear flamboyant clothing in sixth form.
When everyone else was wearing suits from Burton, looking terrible, Tom looked quite fabulous in his Top and tails with a briefcase and umbrella.
- With a briefcase.
- Loved wearing clothes of a different era.
I wanted to time travel to be in a different era away from the circumstances that I was in.
- His horrific life.
- Kind of a bit like I was trying to transform to an era that would've been worse.
I thought of a Mary Poppins version.
- You would've got chemically castrated.
- Electric shock treatment probably.
Thank you for being here, I'm glad you're resting.
[Tom.]
So well looked after.
- [Rob.]
Here he comes.
- [Tom.]
Who's there? - Tom, it's your sound check.
- I'll go too, and I'll see you soon.
- See you.
- Have a good sound check.
Lovely, and then I'll talk a bit, and I'll talk a bit about going to a party with my mum and dad.
And, yeah.
Sorry, do you want to do a sound check? [Katherine.]
Do you feel like I can say about Tom Allen, "Tom's famous for his pocket squares, they're partly for style, "and 'cause he got caught on TV once too many times with cum on his chin"? [Geoff.]
But it feels like Tom is one we could go in on quite hard.
[Katherine.]
Yeah.
[Geoff.]
On that note, Tom looks like a giant egg, which makes sense, because I can imagine him at breakfast with his top off, surrounded by soldiers.
- Wow! That's very cute.
- Like, I know.
How about, "They say you are what you eat, "which is why Tom's head looks so much like a Polish builder's dick.
" - [Geoff laughs.]
- "Helmet? No, bellend.
" - Why don't we move on to Sue? - Okay.
[Geoff.]
Sue dresses like an agent from the lesbian reboot of Men in Black.
[Katherine.]
Ooh! "Another woman on the bill, it's great to have many female comics on tonight, because we can pay them less.
" Sue came out in 2002, but her hair's been dropping hints since the mid '90's.
I like going with the hair, she's had a really iconic hairstyle all through her career.
[Geoff.]
People in showbiz have done that.
Jimmy Carr said, "Never change your hair.
" He got a hair transplant.
Would you get one? - Can I bring it down like - As low as Kim Kardashian.
[crew member.]
Okay, copy that.
Are you nervous, Sue, having not done stand-up for 15 years? Do you have any practices for overcoming nerves? - I've had a bit of shamanic action.
- Did you? Yeah, I can recommend a shaman.
- Really? - But he was off duty, so I met him at a party.
He was in a sort of grass skirt with a huge eagle's feather.
We got quite drunk and I ended up in a small, smelly hot tub with him.
And my then-partner, and he offered to perform a shamanic ritual.
- Oh, my Sue! - I'm very vulnerable I'm very open to these things.
I have no boundaries.
It sounds naive.
Got you drunk at a party and said, "Let's get in the hot tub, "let me give you a massage.
" He didn't offer a massage.
It was a distant shamanic rite.
What did the rite involve in the hot tub? He did a cleansing routine.
I had to stand up, it was about 5:00 in the morning, nude, and he blew raspberry vodka up my arse.
I'm not even joking.
- With his face? - Was that series one or two of Bake Off? That was three.
The year that John Whaite won.
- [Rob.]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Um, ironically, with a raspberry dessert that was triggering.
[laughter.]
Very triggering.
Don't make this odd, - 'cause it was odd enough at the time.
- We're not.
Sorry, Sue, continue, he was blowing vodka up your arse.
Right, he drank the bottle, then, poof, fired it.
I bet it was really sticky when you sat down.
- Did that help you with your gigs? - It really did.
- [laughs.]
- And it shifted some energy for me.
[knocks.]
- Hello.
Okay.
- Your sound check, Michelle.
I've got some stuff for Michelle that I'm not sure about.
- Listen.
- Okay.
"Michelle's so hot that looking at her makes vaginas fizz - "like someone's popped a Berocca.
" - Yeah.
[Geoff.]
"Michelle splits her time between New York and South London, which is like splitting your time between having an orgasm - and being punched in the throat.
" - [laughs.]
Welcome the woman with the face of an angel and the voice of a crackhead.
It's Michelle de Swarte.
I love Michelle's dirty voice.
Blah, blah, blah.
My name's Michelle de Swarte.
Go fuck yourself.
I won't say that, I promise.
Do you have more for Rob? [Geoff.]
Everyone loves Rob Beckett, except the tooth fairy, got the union involved.
[laughs.]
[Katherine.]
Okay, how about, "Rob's got the face of an angel and the voice of someone who'd boo people taking the knee.
[laughs.]
Yeah, I like that.
Where are you? I'm from South East London, Bromley Way.
- Super near him.
- Really close.
- He's coming tomorrow for a barbecue.
- Going round for a BBQ.
"Rob is so unfuckable, he technically counts as contraception.
" - Do you wanna grab some salads? - I'll pick it up.
I don't think we've got any salad.
I've got to get that out to defrost when I get in the meat.
[loud tapping.]
[rhythmic tapping.]
Is that you, Sue? Uh, that might be me, but I'm gonna stop doing that.
- Well, you're being a shit neighbor.
- [laughs.]
I've only just begun, baby.
Where can I have a shit without being filmed? - [Katherine.]
Ooh, anywhere.
- Or heard? Or I was thinking these trousers and this shirt.
The pink's good, but I'm worried that's a bit - Shit? - Oh, no.
[laughter.]
[crew member.]
Down five, who's doing four at I must ask, I don't know why, but be honest, right, shall I get a bit of Botox? Just a bit? Once you start, you're fucked.
'Cause once you see yourself looking like an egg, essentially, it's hard to go back to movement.
- Why do you wanna look like an egg? - It's a vibe.
- Egg vibe? Okay.
- Yeah.
I think if I could drop myself down facially five years Yeah.
it just puts me in it, because Rob and Tom are younger than me.
- You know what you should do? - Yeah? - Shut up and get on with the job.
- Yeah.
I appreciate your candor.
- You're welcome.
See you later.
- Cheers.
See you soon.
I'll get dressed in a minute, change me pants.
- Do you ever change your pants? - Not unless something terrible's happened.
Put that inside your eye.
Yeah.
The only thing is I have pink toes, but that's far enough away from my mouth.
- Yeah.
- Until I do my special trick.
Yeah! You look like you're going to a rave.
Some sort of sexy rave, so it's easy clean up.
[laughter.]
[Katherine.]
Whoo! How are you feeling about the gig? Good, or stressed, or fine? I'm happy I'm first.
I wanna play a bit.
Hope I'm not too strict on my set.
If you look like you're smashing it, it's half the battle.
Let's go out there like we're having the time of our lives.
That is still undone there.
Pull down.
Here we go, we're nearly at showtime now.
Please welcome on stage, the wonderful Katherine Ryan! [audience cheering.]
[Sue.]
Yeah, baby! Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! [cheers and applause.]
What a queen.
Hello! I'm Katherine Ryan, and welcome to the stunning London Roundhouse.
- [audience cheering.]
- Mmm.
Tonight on the show, we have an amazing lineup, four phenomenal comedians, or as a therapist would say, "a new kitchen.
" [laughter.]
- [laughs.]
That's a good joke.
- The hilarious Rob Beckett is here.
Yeah, baby.
I know.
Rob sounds so much like a taxi driver, whenever he starts talking, I instinctively put my headphones in.
[laughter.]
Everyone loves Rob Beckett, except the tooth fairy who had to get her union involved.
Good stuff.
Then we've got comedy icon, are you ready? Sue Perkins is on this show.
[Rob.]
Sue Perkins! Roast me, roast my fragile ego.
Yep.
Sue is one of Britain's leading lesbians, and by that, I mean she's very famous, I'm not grading her technique.
But if I was, I'd say she's one of Britain's leading lesbians.
- Rob, will you get us a water, darling? - Of course.
a real double act.
Could I say no to one of the leading lesbians? [chuckles.]
"One of.
" The delight that is Mr.
Tom Allen is here.
[Tom.]
Oh.
Here it is.
[applause.]
[Rob.]
They love you.
I know! Tom's Wikipedia says he didn't move out of his parents' house until May 2021.
Who wrote that, Tom, your school bully? [laughs.]
I respect Tom's parents.
Making your gay children live with you into adulthood is a way better punishment than throwing them out.
We've also got my good friend, the delectable Michelle de Swarte.
- Yeah! - Gotta show 'em.
Thanks, guys.
- She's there, I'll pace up and down.
- Go on.
[Michelle.]
I'm gonna stand in the wings.
Smash it, baby.
- Thank you, guys.
Thanks.
- Go on, Michelle.
- Hi, it's time.
Shall we head down then? - [Michelle.]
Coming.
Michelle is a comedian, director, writer, actor, and former model.
When Michelle swapped modeling for comedy, she thought she'd seen the last of creepy men wanking off in front of her.
[laughing.]
Welcome to the Thunderdome, Michelle.
[laughter.]
Michelle is so hot that looking at her makes vaginas fizz like someone's just popped in a Berocca.
[laughter.]
Please welcome the woman who has the face of an angel and the voice of a crackhead, it's Michelle de Swarte.
This way.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you! [Geoff.]
Very nice.
[Katherine.]
She looks good.
How is everybody? [audience cheering.]
Good.
We are all happy to be out, aren't we? It has been a long couple of years at this point, but we've got to know ourselves, haven't we? When all this shit first started, I was cocky.
I was cocky.
That first lockdown, when they were like we're gonna be locked down, I was like, "Oh, wicked, I'll probably write a book [laughter.]
"work on my core, "meditate daily, no big deal.
" The reality was me plucking my mustache in a magnifying mirror, which I found out is like painting a bridge.
Got to know my neighbors.
Did you lot get to know your neighbors? Yeah? No? Did you get to know your neighbors? How can we undo this work? [laughter.]
Ah, I'm livid! I didn't mean it, do you know what I mean? I got knocked off track, I'm not a friendly person, I just thought I was gonna die.
So, I was like, "What's my legacy gonna be? "I'll chat to Barry, that'll do it.
" Then I started talking to Barry, my 80-year-old neighbor, proper East London geezer, always tryin' to relate to me.
He says, "You all right? Do you know what we should do?" I'm like, "I don't know, Barry, what?" "We should drink a Red Stripe and listen to Bob Marley together.
"Touch me, sister, touch me!" But I was like, slim pickings, innit? I was like, "You know what, that sounds all right, bruv, touch me.
" My friend's like Everyone's got their spiritual friend, innit? And like, she said to me, "Oh, Michelle, you seem a bit down.
"You look like you need a reset.
" And I was like, "I do.
" And she handed me a quartz crystal, which for the first five minutes of having it in my hand, believe I thought it was MDMA.
[laughter.]
Proper.
Like, she was like a reset, I was like, "Yes! Weighty, weighty.
" She was like, "Charge it up in a full moon.
" I was like, "Huh?" Now I go to therapy.
Whoo! Now.
Yeah, it's all right, innit? It's expensive, but it's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
It's not bad.
Ultimately, what therapy is, it's just a controlled environment where you pay someone to cuss your mum.
[laughter.]
Proper cusser.
You know what I mean? That's what you're paying for, to keep it confidential.
You know what I mean? Like your mum tried her best, innit? But did she though? [laughter.]
Do you know what I mean? Did she really? Wanked off your nut on Valiums and Baileys, saying, "Go light me a cigarette off the gas fire.
" Is that your best? Luckily, I don't suffer with depression too much.
- I suffer with anxiety, right? - [laughter.]
Good, happy that made you laugh.
Uh-huh.
When I'm going to sleep tonight, that's what I'll hear.
[laughing.]
Just that lone laughter.
Ha ha ha.
And anxiety, it's like depression, innit? It's a bit like depression, but with energy, you know what I mean? Just wake up in the morning, you're like, "I wanna kill myself! Whoo!" I didn't even know it was anxiety for a long time, I just thought my bras were really tight.
I was like, "Oh!" [cheers and applause.]
Guys, thank you so much for an amazing, beautiful evening.
You've been fabulous.
My name's Michelle de Swarte.
[Rob.]
Well done, Michelle.
Smashed that.
All right, Katherine.
Give it up for Michelle de Swarte.
[cheers and applause.]
- You smashed that.
- [Rob.]
You absolutely destroyed that.
- Thanks.
Aw.
- [Rob.]
Did you enjoy it? Thank you.
Yeah.
Let's keep this amazing gig rolling with Tom Allen as we welcome him to the stage.
[cheers and applause.]
I love Tom.
Tom seems like a gay Victorian who traveled forward to a time where it is legal.
[laughs.]
Give it up for the only man in comedy who arrives at the show on a Penny Farthing, it's Tom Allen.
It's time, Tom.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi! Hello! Hi, everyone! Hello! So, I'm gay Still gay.
If anything, it's getting worse.
[laughter.]
I mean, I say I'm gay, I hardly find the time.
But But no, gay, completely gay.
And as well, I should point out, I realize I come up here and I sound posh, probably quite intimidatingly so to you But I'm actually from a very ordinary family, very ordinary London family, they speak almost entirely in Cockney rhyming slang.
Yeah, 'cause his parents don't have his accent.
- They don't? - They sound like Rob.
I like being part of their lives, they include me with their friends.
Like, they had one friend called Joyce, a very old family friend, and sometimes, she'll use her eyebrows to replace a word.
So, once she said to me, "That woman next door, she's" Turned out the woman next door was a chiropractor.
So good.
Joyce has had a difficult life, she's had a couple of husbands.
We don't know where they've gone.
And then, a while ago, she decided to cheer herself up by getting her downstairs toilet done.
Not a euphemism.
[laughter.]
And she got this toilet done based on a toilet she'd seen at Gatwick Airport.
[laughter.]
It was her dream toilet, right? She was so excited, she had a party to show off this toilet.
Well, it was supposed to be for her birthday, but we all knew what it was.
We get there, we walk up the garden path, ring the doorbell.
Mum says, "I like your hanging baskets, Joyce.
" "Oh, they're all dead.
" And the party had truly begun.
Joyce had tried to be organized for this party, and she'd done an online shop for the buffet.
Trouble is she'd never done an online shop before, she didn't understand about the amounts.
Somehow, she'd managed to order 8 kg of ham and one bag of salad.
You've never seen so much ham in all your life, except for maybe in this performance.
There was like, rolled ham, folded ham.
There was ham sandwiches where the bread was ham.
Joyce comes over to me and she says, "Tom, can I ask you a question? "When did you first know that you was" I said, "Well, I've never been a chiropractor.
" She said, "No, when did you first know you was, you know, gay?" And that's a very difficult question to answer that, isn't it? 'Cause it's not like I circled a date in the diary and went, "Oh, yeah, 12th of March, that seems pretty gay.
"Get the Barbra Streisand ready, let's go out bumming.
" [laughter.]
I knew it when I went to school.
I went to a very ordinary comprehensive school.
It was the school where people would come and say, "You, do you wanna fight?" And I'd always say, "Oh, no, thank you, but thanks for thinking of me.
"Bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
" Those girls could be so cruel.
[laughter.]
It was a rough school, and the only refuge you had, really, at my school, was to hang out in the school music rooms at break time.
'Cause the school music rooms were a great place to go and hang out with all the other 13-year-old homosexuals and their chatty female friends.
If you hung out in the school music rooms, it meant you were part of the choir.
If you were in the choir, it was great.
You'd go on a school music trip to France.
We were to do a concert.
They didn't tell us where it'd be.
They made us rehearse for ages.
It wasn't a concert in a concert hall, nor in a theater, we were doing a concert in an old people's home just outside the border with Alsace-Lorraine.
[laughter.]
As if these elderly French people weren't confused enough, the sight of a busload of 13-year-old English homosexuals [laughter.]
and their chatty female friends, and their flute cases, bounding in.
I mean, we sang them a selection of songs from The Lion King, an excerpt from Fauré's Requiem, and then the theme song to The Muppet Show [laughter.]
in French! The concert was a disaster, but my favorite bit was going to the French hypermarket, or as I insisted on calling it, the hypermarché because Thank you, because I'd actually paid attention in French.
So, we ran into the French hypermarché, all the other kids went to buy a meter of boiled sweets, or to go look at pornography.
But I wanted to go over to the patisserie counter to practice my French.
So, I went over to the patisserie counter and said to the man [requests a croissant in French.]
And then the man behind the counter responded by going, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" Absolutely no idea what he was saying.
"Blah, blah, blah!" I responded going, "Oui, d'accord.
" I ended up with 8 kg of ham and one bag of salad.
[cheers and applause.]
Anyway I'd better go now, but thanks so much for having me.
Good night! You smashed that! [Katherine.]
Tom Allen, everyone! [Rob.]
You know it was good, don't give me that shit, - "Was it all right?" Fucking hell.
- Well done.
All right, we're about to welcome Sue Perkins to the stage.
[audience cheering.]
Sue, can I get you to come up on the Sue came out in 2002, but her hair's been dropping hints since the mid '90s.
[laughter.]
It's the woman who put Croydon on the map, of places you should become rich enough to leave.
It's Sue Perkins! Go on, Sue.
Enjoy it.
[cheers and applause.]
Hello, you raving beauties! Hello, lovelies! So, I'm Sue, you might know me from leaving some of the most successful shows on television.
A little thing I like to do.
I did a bad thing just before this gig, 'cause I've not gigged in 14 years, so I thought I'll find out what I've been doing by googling myself.
And it actually says on my Wikipedia page, "Sue Perkins, TV presenter, born September 1969, not to be confused with Miss America 1978.
" [laughter.]
What I like about sharing my name with a beauty pageant queen is the idea of a lot of old Texans googling Sue Perkins for a wank.
[laughter.]
[in Southern accent.]
"I'm gonna find out what that gal's been doin'.
"I'm gonna go and look up that pearly, beautiful girl, "I'm gonna see if I can't see what she been up to.
" And then they see this program title, "Sue Perkins in the Ganges.
"That sounds disgusting.
" And they click on it, and they get me doing a serious documentary in Asia.
[laughter.]
I mean, I'm a difficult wank at the best of times.
Considering she has smashed it on telly, you gotta To come back and do this - I know.
- Massive respect.
A lot of people don't.
So, I spent seven years in a tent.
Seven years in a tent.
It was an easy job and I loved it.
All I had to do was occasionally shout the word, "Bake!" And launch bizarre technical challenges like, "You've got 11 hours to make a Chechenian funeral meringue.
Bake!" I loved it, but we ran out of steam in the end.
We had a lot of double-entendres, we did stuff about rough puff, and tarts, and baps, and you know, series five, you run out of double-entendres.
Sometimes I'd go up to a man making a French stick and go, "Ha ha! It looks like a cock! [cries.]
"Bake!" Hands up, who doesn't have kids in the audience? Hands up, who doesn't.
This is the most infertile audience I've ever been proud enough to stand in front of! Yeah, I also, I can't have kids.
My inside's basic, like a Hoover bag.
People go, "It's sad you can't have kids.
" I say, "No, "I sleep eight hours a night.
I can own a white sofa.
"I've never had to hold someone at the side of a motorway "while they shit down a ravine.
" [laughter.]
How does she know? How does know about our lives? People are distressed by the idea of the childless in society.
They always say, "Sue, who's going to look after you when you're old?" To which I say, "Your kids.
" "Because I'll be paying them.
"And I can afford that because I don't have children.
" [laughs.]
[cheers and applause.]
So, everyone remembers when big things happen to them, I guess, and I can remember exactly where I was when I discovered that my phone had been hacked and my tits were all over the Internet.
[audience exclaims.]
Yeah, they're there.
I was actually on an anti-Brexit march surrounded by 250,000 people holding a papier-mâché head of Michel Barnier, while a Latvian woman screamed, [in Latvian accent.]
"Stop Brexit!" Suddenly the phone went, and it was my agent, Debbie.
Now, Debbie never rings me on the weekend, unless one of The Proclaimers has pulled out of Sunday Brunch.
I thought, "Fuck, I'm in trouble, I'm in real trouble.
" Debbie's trying to tell me this awful news.
And I look up, and there's a man in hot pants gyrating to Europe's Final Countdown.
As I stare at his groin, I think to myself, "You know what, there is such a thing as too much free movement.
" So, when your phone is hacked, and in my case, when pictures of you topless on holiday with a face like a blow-torched bollock are released unto the world, you have the copyright to those photos.
So actually, you are allowed to get them back, but you need a lawyer.
I had a very nice lawyer called Michael, who was an old American dude, and he had to take me through every single photo on the phone in blow-by-blow, excruciating detail.
It was just [in American accent.]
"So, hi, Sue, in the first photo, your face is out of shot for this, Sue, so you've been spared that embarrassment, but your body is visible.
You're clothed down the bottom half, but top half, double breasts.
" "Double breasts?" What am I, a fucking KFC bucket? [laughter.]
And on and on, through 212 photographs we went.
And at the end of it, Michael very sweetly said, "Sue, I know the work is over, "but I hope you don't mind me interjecting on a personal note, "I couldn't help but notice your full name.
"No wonder you were Miss America 1978.
" Thank you so much, what a lovely crowd, thank you.
- Katherine, on with you.
- Thanks.
[Rob.]
That was amazing! [Tom.]
Yeah, she fucking smashed it.
Go on.
You're loving that, aren't you? Smashed it.
I think you're happy.
I see the grin.
[De Swarte.]
Come on, you! You're back, baby, you're back.
Our final comedian of the night is the one, the only, Rob Beckett.
Rob comes from good working-class stock.
You get the impression his caravan had a satellite dish and decking.
[laughter.]
He's the best, I love him so much.
Give it up for the man who seems like he's only doing comedy to buy his own fruit and veg stall, Rob Beckett! [cheers and applause.]
Yeah! Oh, thanks, Katherine.
Lovely! Hey! Yes.
Yes, Camden! Yes, thank you very much.
It's exciting, innit? [audience cheering.]
Buzzing.
I'm buzzing.
I'm smiley, I've got a default smiley face.
If I fully relax my face, this is how it falls, all right, look.
[laughter.]
That's me at rest.
It's a nightmare at a funeral.
I look heartless, just sat there.
"Oh, brothers are carrying him in.
" Sue, yes! Amazing.
Did you like it? I was scared, but when I got up there, I had a really nice time, - and they were nice.
- It was amazing.
You'd never ever know you weren't doing it all the time.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- They loved it.
I'm from South East London, bit of a rough family, big family, my mum and dad have got five, six brothers and sisters each.
My nan and granddad on both sides, 10 and 11 siblings.
I've got cousins everywhere, which means I've got some lovely family, but I'm also related to some absolute fucking scum.
[laughter.]
I am talking filth.
Awful mob.
People go to me, "I bet you wanna do that Who Do You Think You Are.
" No! Absolutely not.
'Cause I know who I am, and I don't want anyone else to.
They're my mob as well, same mouths, different heights.
"Rob, how's it going? What's your mum like and Aunt Sal?" "Where's your dad, still at that firm?" "Yeah.
" "What's Jimmy Carr like?" [bleats.]
Some of the weddings that I've to go to Has anyone here ever been to a wedding where you've had to take a ham? Only other person, Tom, who I went to school with from South East London.
Is it a very, like, pork-products-heavy neighborhood? Yeah, we love ham.
Ham is a thing in South East London.
What happens is they'd get married and can't afford to feed the whole do, 'cause 300 people turn up.
They go to a registry office, get a pub with a function room, then all the families have to bring something for the buffet.
We were in charge of ham.
Some people were in charge of potatoes, salad.
I don't wanna show off, but being in charge of ham is quite a big deal.
Quite a big, dick-swinging move.
We've had a good year, it's fine, we brought the ham.
But then some cocky cousin turns up that didn't even RSVP, with a poached salmon, cut up cucumber on it, in a dish the shape of a fish, in case I didn't know what I was fucking eating.
Then your oiky cousin turns up with six kids, not even all of them, just the ones he bothered to pick up.
[laughter.]
The ones he had space for in his car.
He's in charge of crisps.
"Come on, mate, you know that ain't enough crisps.
"That's two Dorito grab bags.
"That's not enough crisps for the kids you've bred.
" "I can't afford it, I'm struggling at the moment, all right.
" [blows.]
He says on his 20th cigarette of the morning, blowing smoke all over the buffet.
[blows.]
That ham's already smoked, you chavvy bastard.
[laughter and applause.]
The difficulty is though, my family are a bit like that, my in-laws are posh, so now my kids speak weird.
They speak half like me and half like the other family.
They're like, "Mummy, please can we have some wa'er.
" But it's hard if your in-laws are middle-class, you never know what to buy them for Christmas.
I thought of a coffee machine, thought they'll love it.
It's a coffee machine, proper bean ones.
Voom-voom-voom-shuzz ones.
I wasn't messing about, De'Longhi from Costco, yeah, a few 100 quid, right? I give it to them and say, "Do you like the coffee machine?" She went, "No, we're gonna take it back.
" I went, "How come?" So she went, "We haven't got enough space on the side.
" They have got so much fucking side.
They've got a big middle-class kitchen with nothing out, empty side.
When you're middle-class, you have to make it look like you don't live in your own house.
That's the rule.
[applause.]
It cannot look like you live there, it must be a show home.
It can't look like anyone has any fun in this house.
It must be clean and soulless.
My wife's tried, she went, "Can you put the towels away?" I went, "I have, they're on the banister.
That's where they go.
"That's where they live.
" "Not enough space on the side!" I said, "If you take it back, you'll get vouchers, "what are you gonna get?" She went, "We'll take it back, Rob, and we're gonna get the vouchers so that we can buy a Le Creuset tagine.
" And I'm stood there thinking, "I'll have to google both of them.
" I'll take me chances on "Le," but I said, "How comes?" She went, "Well, unfortunately, Rob, "between you and me, my casserole dish is simply too deep for coq au vin.
" [laughter.]
I said, "I don't know how you're sleeping at night, Theresa.
" I'd never even heard of coq au vin until I started going around their house.
First time they went, "Do you want coq au vin?" "Vin, please, I don't know.
" [cheers and applause.]
Each to their own, I'm a vin man.
I had cock for lunch, as it goes.
Absolutely stuffed full of the stuff.
Couldn't get another cock inside me.
[laughter.]
Camden, you've been absolutely lovely.
I've been Rob Beckett.
Be lucky, good night! [cheers and applause.]
[Katherine.]
Yeah! Rob Beckett! Let him hear it.
- [Tom.]
So funny.
- Cheers.
- [Tom.]
So good.
- Thanks, mate.
[Katherine laughs.]
That's it for tonight's show.
Please give a huge round of applause for Michelle de Swarte, Tom Allen, Sue Perkins, and of course, Rob Beckett! It was good, I enjoyed it.
They're a lovely crowd.
They are nice, and they're up for it.
- [Michelle.]
So good, Rob.
- Thank you.
We are so happy to have you here.
Like I always say to my plastic surgeon, "Same time next week?" Good night! [cheers and applause.]
[humming.]
Did you enjoy tonight? Have a nice time? - Such a nice time.
- You was looking loose.
When you've done a year of gigs and go on tour, you'll love it.
- Yeah.
- It's the pain, you've got to smash through the pain barrier.
- Then you just get to the joy.
- Yeah.
Rob, your car's here, buddy.
- Brilliant, my car's here.
- [Tom.]
What about us? [Rob.]
See you later, guys! Everyone loved it.
You smashed it, thank you.
Good to see you.
[Sue.]
Rob's got some high-powered agency moves going on.
[Rob.]
Cheers, mate.
That was fun, thank you.
Wouldn't have done it for anyone else.
- What? - [Tom.]
I would.
To be honest, I'd do it mainly for the crisps.
- [laughs.]
- But I love a meal after a gig.
- You know, when you go - [Sue.]
Yes.
In Dublin, I think it's called The International.
- It's super.
Have you ever been? - Yeah.
Go there after a gig, they serve dinner at like 11:00.
You have a Steak Diane.
Oh! A Steak Diane? Or something like that.
- You're so '80s, man.
- Innit? A prawn cocktail.
Some of us grew up in Bromley, okay? They're gonna shut down the venue.
We have a curfew, so we gotta go.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Katherine.
- Congratulations, Michelle.
Sue, thank you so much.
You're so incredible.
Smashed it.
You're such a joy to watch.
- [Sue.]
I really loved it.
- Tom, see ya.
- Would you like crisps for the road? - Have yourself a Steak Diane.
- Let's fly to Dublin tomorrow, together.
- Ooh! - Thanks for a lovely time.
- [Katherine.]
Bye, Tom.
Bye-bye.
Yeah.
Better, innit? - Yeah.
- Geoff, what are you doing? I was thinking about the Botox, you know? Just get a bit of lift.
After the hair transplant, right? Yeah? No sense in renovating when the house is on fire.
Yeah.
[music playing.]