Bad Samaritans (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [ Tires Squealing .]
Happy fourth anniversary, Drew.
[ Yelps .]
Holy shit! [ Shouts .]
Sorry! It's my anniversary! Fuck you! Piece of shit! [ Tires Screech .]
[ Car Door Opens, Closes .]
Drew! Drew.
What are you doing here so early? Is this the lake you were talking about, 'cause I wasn't sure I was in the right place.
Oh.
Ugh.
Looked full on Google Maps.
Here, here.
Come here.
Check out this gift basket.
 Look at what I got here I'll light these romantic candles.
Trucker's Delight Rum.
152 proof.
Did you pick this stuff up at a truck stop on your way here? Of course not.
All right, you hold, I hold.
Wait.
I take.
 Here we go Here we go  [ Spits .]
Voilà! Happy fourth anniversary, babe! Uh-- It's our fifth anniversary.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
- Really? - Yep.
Look, come on, forget about how many years and who's a what's-its.
Four, five-- four.
What matters is that we're here now, together, throwing back a little Trucker's.
Yeah, Jake, we need to take a break from each other.
Maybe forever.
- Forever? - Mm-hmm.
Definitely forever.
Look, I know I haven't been the best boyfriend lately, but - I have somethin' for ya.
- Oh, my God, no! - No, Jake.
No! - Say yes.
Say yes.
Please move into my apartment with me.
[ Jangles .]
Huh? It's not the real key, but yours will look just like it.
Wow.
I am done wasting my life on a guy who thinks playing video games is a viable profession.
Oh.
Well, apparently you didn't see the ESPN special on the future of competitive eSports! StarCraft is not a sport! - [ Screams .]
- [ Screams .]
- [ Shouts .]
- In South Korea the pros date supermodels! How about you get a real fucking job for once? [ Shouts, Gurgles .]
Let me tell ya about a guy who, like me, didn't want to-- Oh, yes! work for the rest of his life-- I can't wait to hear about this guy! Mark Zuckerberg! My God.
And he's the world's youngest billionaire! [ Screams .]
That's amazing! The only thing you and Mark Zuckerberg have in common is that you're both assholes! At least I'm not suffocating under student loan debt.
[ Gasps .]
What's your net worth these days? Negative a hundred grand? [ Gasps, Shouts .]
I'm on fire! Put it out! Put it out! [ Mutters .]
- Put it out! Put it out! [ Screams .]
- Stop, drop and roll! [ Mutters, Screams .]
Idiot! [ Screams .]
[ Reporter .]
It has now burned more than 260 square miles.
Some 1,200 firefighters from around the state are battling the fire, but it is not-- [ Clicks .]
For causing the state upwards of $250,000 in damages and burning down a wonderful, serene bird sanctuary, I hereby sentence you to two years probation and 2,000 hours of community service.
I really hate you.
[ Man .]
Good morning, criminals and miscellaneous degenerates.
For you newbies, you may refer to me only as Officer Wendell.
And as an officer of the law, I will be handing weekly community service projects, including picking up highway trash, to volunteering at soup kitchens, to helping amputees go to the bathroom.
I alone will decide if you've finished them to my satisfaction.
And if you do not, you wigo to jail.
- [ Microphone Feedback .]
- Any questions? God! Oh! Good morning! Yes.
Right there.
Jake.
Late.
Man, I wish I would've known we could be late.
I'd have taken the time to wipe properly.
I'd wipe my-- [ Clears Throat .]
hands off.
Not only am I your parole officer, but in six months' time, I will be a bona fide cadet in the police academy.
[ Horn Honks .]
[ Screams .]
Well, it seems the time has come for you all to repay your debt to society.
Your chariot to Golden Pastures Retirement Home awaits.
Did you say Golden Pastures? Golden Pastures.
Jake, we just moved Grandma into this home.
I can't let her see me like this.
Do you know what will happen if she finds out I got arrested? Yeah, she'll die.
[ Gasps .]
Gam Gam! Hide! [ Walker Clacking .]
Get the hell out of my ferns! - Tina Tyson.
- Ew.
I go by Trainy.
Well, whatever the hell your name is, get your skinny bitch-ass self in this rec room and read these old folks some stories.
And put on a damn name tag.
- Drew Finnigan.
- Um, yep.
Go with her.
Douglas.
Douglas! Oh, you know where to go.
[ Chuckles .]
Jake Gibson.
Hey! H.
R.
Hagerty II, Esquire? My parents wanted a lawyer, so-- Mm-hmm.
Follow me.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"-- Ow.
Okay, that makes no sense.
Ooh! I have something so much better for you guys.
Yeah.
Okay.
It looks like Khloe is totally refusing to take a DNA test to prove that O.
J.
Simpson's not her dad.
Obvi.
Octomom is starring in a porno.
[ Laughs .]
Don't let me catch you stealing Mr.
Seymour's Viagra like the last batch of lowlifes we had in here.
Bunch of grown men walkin' around with hard-ons is the last thing these old people wanna see before they die.
Ya get me? All right.
[ Clears Throat .]
She can use an old guy on Viagra.
- [ Coughing .]
- [ Coughing .]
- [ Laughs, Coughs .]
- Good for you.
- Champion.
Hmm.
- So ya always smoke weed on the job.
I guess that explains the mystery of why you're here.
Yeah, listen, bud.
I smoke weed everywhere, okay? But especially here.
Old people, uh, kinda scare the crap out of me.
[ Shudders .]
Everybody thinks she's pregnant, but it's really just coke bloat.
[ Cell Phone Buzzes .]
[ Gasps .]
Yay.
What? [ Louder .]
What? Listen to me, motherfucker! You cannot do this to me! I will cut your cock off! Daddy? Hello? Hey.
You ever hear of the guy that started with a paper clip and traded his way up to getting a house? Mm-hmm.
Well, I read about him on the Internet and figured if that D-bag could do it, so could this D-bag.
Except I'm gonna take it a step further.
When I get the house, I'm gonna trade it for a houseboat.
Huh? [ Both Chuckle .]
Yeah! You're not high.
No-- Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
- But seriously though.
Gimme something for this paper clip.
- Okay.
- What do ya got? - Uh.
How about some postage stamps? Ooh! Deal.
No take backs.
It begins.
S.
S.
Michelle O-bonga.
[ Whispers .]
Your captain is coming.
- [ Gasps .]
- Are you okay? [ Sobs .]
That was my dad.
He was supposed to pay the stupid fine today to get me out of-- [ Shouts .]
community service! But instead he wants to teach me a lesson.
He canceled my credit cards, and he limited my butler to emergencies only.
A-- A butler.
Wow.
Daddy founded Blenihana.
It's Benihana for black people.
Oh.
Uh-- I've never been.
What am I gonna do? I-- I can't live like a-- like a poor person.
[ Sobs .]
Well, you could get a job.
I have a job.
I'm a socialite.
- Google me.
- Yeah.
That's not really a paid position though.
I mean, you can't rely on your dad forever, right? You know what? You're right.
I have to find a new daddy.
Hmm.
Thank you.
Come on.
Community service isn't all that bad, all right? Cheer up, Charlie.
Huh? [ Groans .]
It's a great place to meet chicks.
It's like a free dating service that delivers the perfect woman, you know? A little wild, into breakin' the rules, but not smart enough to get away with it.
I tell ya.
I got more "HJs" in soup kitchens than most dudes got in college.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm sure the homeless love havin' you around.
Yeah, well, I'm sure it's a treat for 'em.
By the way, dibs on the new chick.
You know, the uptight one.
That is, unless Doug already marked his territory with his giant rhino schlong.
As much as I'd love to stay and listen to your stoned penis stories, I've gotta go look for some fresh bedpans or whatever.
Right on, bro.
[ Man Shouts .]
Um, sorry.
Oh, Jake! Oh! What are you doing here? Gam Gam! Uh-- Did you and Drew come to visit me? Uh, Drew! Drew! - Hey, Drew! - [ Whispering .]
Stop screaming my name.
Gram could be-- [ Gasps .]
Grandma! [ Jake Chuckles .]
Hi, Gam Gam! Â [ Radio: Jazz Band .]
So you haven't told me why you're here.
Yes, Drew.
Why don't you tell her about the thing that occurred in our lives that brought us here today? Um-- Well-- You're engaged! Yep.
We're engaged! [ Both Chuckle .]
- Isn't that right? - Yes! Wow! Oh, I knew it! Oh, my baby's getting married! Oh! [ Kisses .]
Japanese circus clowns are-- [ Singsongy .]
hot.
Hey there, young fella.
Hey, buddy, we don't want no trouble here.
[ Moans .]
- [ Shudders .]
- I can't for the life of me remember why I walked in here.
I don't remember why the hell I'm in here either.
I guess we should probably watch some TV.
[ Sighs .]
Yeah.
[ Clicks .]
 [ TV: Theme Song .]
[ Together .]
Ooh! Price Is Right.
And they take away my license because I ran over a few people at a farmer's market.
- Who ever heard of putting-- - Oh, my God, I don't care.
Stop talking.
I need a bar.
What's your poison? Are you talking to me? May I offer you a libation, little lady? I keep a stash of hooch locked away for pretty girls.
[ Clears Throat .]
Hello.
My name is Maximilian.
Please, sit down, O beauteous lady.
[ Giggles .]
So, Maximilian-- - Do you own a jet? - I own two.
If you're so rich, what are you doing in a nursing home? My darling, I have fingers in many pies.
[ Giggles .]
[ Laughs .]
Come.
Join me.
[ Clears Throat .]
Let's see the-- Uh, where's the engagement ring? Well, Gam Gam, Drew here is so selfless, she insisted that she wouldn't wear any blood diamonds.
That's right.
We thought it would be much more special if she wore the ring of a beloved family member - than some piece of murder jewelry.
- [ Mouths Word .]
Oh, I have the perfect solution.
No.
No, no, Grandma.
Not your ring.
No, no, no.
Oh, I-- I insist! She insists.
I insist.
Please, Grandma.
I-I would be honored.
But, you know, you two can get married in the same dress and suit that me and your grandfather married in.
Oh! I have it here! Ooh.
Great! Oh, this is wonderful.
God, you really got us into this one.
What are you doing? Here.
- Try-Try these! - Uh-- He usually never wore anything underneath.
Oh! [ Chuckles .]
- Oh, boy! - You think I'm gonna wear this? I'm not wearing this.
This has been simmering in ball sweat for 50 years.
And you get your underwear at Goodwill.
Put on the damn kilt.
Go f-- [ Mumbles .]
Oh, this is my wedding gown.
- I wonder if it'll still fit.
- It's beautiful.
Come on, Drew.
Okay.
[ Grumbles .]
[ Gasps .]
They're just like us.
[ All Exclaim .]
[ Man .]
Let's get you a cocktail.
[ Trainy Laughs .]
So how's your health? Is your heart okay? I caught the clap from a girl like her in Korea.
Oh, I love you old guys.
You never think about what you say before it comes out of your mouths.
[ Both Chuckle .]
Just like me.
[ Chuckling Continues .]
Come on.
There may be some more in the back.
Oh, yeah.
[ No Audible Dialogue .]
[ No Audible Dialogue .]
[ No Audible Dialogue .]
All right, geezers.
You showed me your world.
Now it's time for me to show you mine.
Hit it, Clyde.
Clyde! [ Shouts .]
- [ Snaps .]
- [ Mutters .]
 [ Trance .]
By God! The colors! That's right.
We got the colors.
[ Chuckles .]
Let's just put that there.
[ Laughs .]
[ Whistles .]
Oh! Â [ Scottish Dance .]
It fits! It fits, by golly! It fits! Oh, I feel like a teenager.
Oh, Jake, would you be a good boy and zip me up? Zip her up, Jake.
Oh.
All right.
What the hell are y'all doin' with my old people? Um-- I know that you are not tryin' to get freaky with no old people on my watch.
- You be nice to my granddaughter! - Granddaughter? [ Chuckles .]
She thinks everybody's her granddaughter.
She thinks I'm her granddaughter.
Right, Gammy? You shouldn't be messin' with no old people.
Or their ugly-ass clothes.
We're helping her relive her memories.
Mm-hmm.
Well, just don't steal anything.
And for God's sake, keep her clothes on.
Aye, aye.
- I'm gonna get some air.
- Uh-- Uh, Drew.
 [ Continues .]
[ Jake, High-pitched Gibbering .]
Yeah! [ Gasps .]
Oh! Uh, I'm sorry.
I-- I was just-- Wait.
[ Gunfire .]
[ Clyde Giggles .]
Eat lead, ya damn Krauts! [ Cackles .]
Now that you're one of us, I'm gonna show you the V.
I.
P.
treatment.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughs .]
Whoa.
The Baksplorker 5000.
She's beautiful.
 [ Jazz .]
Is that one of those cassette players? - You're such a hipster.
- You're the cat's meow.
What do you say you hop on my trolley and I punch your ticket? You know what makes me really horny? Is being made the beneficiary of an irrevocable trust not subject to probate or that silly spendthrift protection.
Sure thing, sugarplum.
Why don't we start with an oral declaration? [ Sniffs .]
Okay.
[ Sighs .]
[ Trainy Sighs .]
[ Exhales .]
Wow.
You planted a garden? I like hard work.
I have done nothing but work hard my whole life.
And this is my reward? Indentured servitude.
My grandmother's inside celebrating because I told her I'm engaged.
[ Sighs .]
What was I thinking? You know, when I was sentenced to community service, I found out helping people could be just as rewarding as robbing, stabbing or bludgeoning them to death with a rusty tire iron-- you know, those sorts of things.
- Yeah.
- Every time I get the urge to pick up that tire iron, I volunteer for community service instead.
I do this for peace.
When you're faced with a problem, as I'm sure your grandmother knows, honesty's the best policy, Drew.
Thanks, Doug.
- What? - Um-- Oh.
Me.
Sorry.
I forget sometimes.
I used to go by Skullfuck Sanchez.
Oh.
Doug.
[ Chuckles .]
Okay.
Oh.
[ Man Chuckles .]
Let's see here.
Oh, what's this? [ Voice Vibrating .]
Ohhh.
Oh, that's good stuff.
Oh, yeah.
I love that.
[ Chuckles .]
What's this one do here? Oh! [ Man Laughing .]
Ohhhh! M-Mom! Oh.
Let's see what three does.
Ohhh! [ Man Laughing .]
I see why you're called the greatest generation.
[ Man Laughs .]
[ Trainy Moans, Laughs, Shouts .]
[ Both Gasping .]
[ Groans, Sighs .]
[ Sighs .]
McClurty! What did I tell you about sneakin' around in here? And Lord have mercy, girl.
Put on some clothes.
This ain't no damn brothel.
Uh, wait.
Sneaking in? Mm-hmm.
He's the homeless guy from down the street that likes to pretend - that he owns this place.
- What? And I told you I've had it with you spreading Hep C around my old folks.
- Come on! - Homeless? [ Panting .]
You're not a billionaire? - McClurty! Move! - Bingo.
[ McClurty Grunts .]
[ Groans .]
 [ Scottish Dance .]
 [ Stops .]
Grandma, I need to talk to you.
Uh-- Uh, Drew-- Okay? what's the matter? [ Mutters .]
Well, Grandma, Jake and I are not getting married.
[ Stammers .]
You-You both are knowing each other in sin? No.
No.
We're not "knowing" each other at all.
We-- We broke up.
Oh, oh.
Oh, dear me.
Why did you both come to visit me? Well, Grandma, the truth is that we got arrested for burning down a forest, and we're doing community service.
[ Gasps .]
I'm so sorry.
[ Rapid Breathing .]
Grandma? Grandma? Oh, my God.
Jake.
Oh, my God.
Grandma? - Holy shit.
- Grandma? Grammy? She really did die.
My God, Grammy.
- Holy shit! - [ Hagerty Laughing .]
- [ Drew .]
Oh, my God.
- Hey, guys! Jake, good news, buddy.
I got over my fear of old people.
- Uh, we got, uh-- - [ Hagerty .]
Oh, got it.
Gam Gam is-- Gam Gam needs a hug.
Uh-- Come here, Gam Gam.
Get a huggy-wug.
Oh, God! [ Thuds .]
[ Drew Sobs .]
[ Sobs .]
Is she, uh-- - Yeah.
- [ Screams .]
[ Crying .]
Gammy.
Gam Gam.
I thought maybe I had a common bond with old people, but now I remember exactly why they freak me the fuck out.
Ah, forget about her.
Come on.
There's some fresh tapioca in the kitchen with our names on it.
Ugh.
Hands off, mummy.
Ugh.
I think he got his old on me.
[ Nervous Laugh, Shudders .]
[ Glasses Thud .]
So, you-you killed somebody on your first day.
[ Sobs .]
We didn't-- We didn't kill her.
She was really, really old.
She died of oldness.
We killed her.
Oh.
Negligent homicide.
[ Drew Sobs .]
That'll cost you, uh-- five hours.
[ Sobs .]
Why are you wearing a kilt? Forget it.
[ Sobs Loudly .]
Come on.
Trainy, Doug, let's go.
[ Sniffles, Cries .]
[ Hagerty .]
Shit.
Hey, have you seen those stamps you traded me? No, dude.
Why would I have seen those stamps? Well, can I get the paper clip back then? No.
Damn it.
I really thought that was gonna be my thing this year.