Bad Samaritans (2013) s01e02 Episode Script
Dog Pound
1 [ Dogs Barking .]
[ Wendell .]
Listen up, complete and total losers.
Welcome to the most underfunded and understaffed dog pound in the state.
Now, don't even think about slacking off today, because while you're here shoveling up after unwanted strays, I'll be here too, training the badass, drug-sniffing, crotch-attacking canines of the police force.
Ow! - [ Car Stereo: Dance .]
- [ Engine Revs .]
Porsche Carrera 4 with Tiptronic transmission.
M.
S.
R.
P.
's like 107 "thou.
" Ivy League alumni license plate border and country-club parking pass.
You, sir, have been replaced.
What's that supposed to mean? It means she upgraded to a better model with a guy that literally looks like a model.
- So you'll pick me up later? - Totes.
Ciao.
Ciao.
[ Dogs Barking .]
Hey, look, I gotta tell ya, Hags.
Being single is the shit.
These babies have been knuckle deep in some serious vagina.
They're so exhausted from all the vagina I've been-- - "vaginaing.
" - The only action your fingers have gotten is from playing StarCraft and masturbating to Facebook.
You masturbate to Facebook too? I thought I was the only one turned on by how connected we've all become.
Goddamn it.
I really need to get a new chick to rub in her face.
Mmm.
Talking about a slumpbuster.
"Slumpbuster"? Yeah.
Low hanging fruit.
- How long you been with her? - Eh, four, five years or something.
[ Whistles .]
Scratch that.
Fruit's already on the ground.
You're gonna wanna go with a mega skank, okay? Start there.
Maybe a super fat chick, you know.
Maybe a girl with a lazy eye.
Or a midget.
I don't know.
I-I like the sound of a skank, but a munchkin with a lazy eye is-- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- We're talkin' about human beings here.
- Uh-- - What about that super skank over there? - See those legs? Call that a praying mantis.
She'll bite your head off.
Baby steps.
[ Whispering .]
Baby steps.
Hello, everybody.
My name is Mel.
Welcome to the pound.
There is no more rewarding experience than working with unwanted, abandoned animals.
I've been here for 15 years, and I've never felt more alive in my life.
I'm gonna need a couple people to volunteer for the spaying and neutering of some animals.
Okay, good.
You, half shirt.
Anybody else? - Oh, yeah.
Count me in.
- All right.
- You guys go to Room 15.
- [ Mouths Words .]
- Watch out for that one, Mel.
He's got mental problems.
- Mmm.
You kinda seem like a suck-up.
That's good.
- You ever seen human skin ripped off its own body? - Uh, no.
You ever rub your own feces in a ceremonial mask on your face to protect yourself from death? No.
- Are you really a blonde? - Yes.
- Are you really a blonde? - No.
- All right.
- She's perfect.
All right, you're perfect.
You're gonna go around back here with Chester.
He works with the attack dogs.
- Go around back.
- Okay.
Okay, that leaves you two, and I've got a special project for you.
[ Lowering Voice .]
Thank God we dodged that bullet.
I thought we were gonna get stuck slicing and dicing doggy privates, huh? Okay, I don't like the whispery thing.
Take Sons of Anarchy with you to Room 21.
Hey, uh, I'm gonna need my toupee back.
I was gonna use it Friday night though.
No.
I need hair on Friday.
What do you have on Friday? I got a Bible class.
They think I have hair.
- If I show up bald, they're gonna be, like, "Sinner.
" - That makes sense.
[ Blowing .]
- [ Clears Throat .]
- [ Deflates .]
A dog-fighting ring got shut down this morning, so we're getting a whole new shipment of pups in.
We need to euthanize some of our older dogs.
You two are gonna chose which three are gonna get escorted to doggy heaven.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm joking, of course.
- [ Sighs, Chuckles .]
Okay.
- Dogs don't have souls, so they can't go to heaven.
Okay.
Well, uh, this all sounds, you know, great, obviously, but are there any assignments that involve, uh, belly rubs perhaps? Yeah, I'd steer clear of their bellies, 'cause that's where most of the infectious diseases fester.
You don't wanna get dog eczema, dog shingles, something we call "flaky pussy"-- none of that stuff.
So you guys gotta chose which ones are least likely to get adopted.
And do it fast.
I'm gonna go check on the other group.
All right, Hagerty.
You can do this.
Just don't cry.
Real men don't cry.
[ Groans .]
Ah, this one looks totally baked! [ Laughs .]
Hey, buddy.
Yeah, I like you.
"Live.
" Aw.
Floppy ears, huh? Yeah, she looks like my first grade teacher, Miss Hix.
Guess who's sentencing dogs that look like you to death.
Me.
Oh! "Don't pick your nose and eat it in class.
" What's up, huh? See that? I do what I want.
I don't give a shit.
- [ Dog Barks .]
- Ow.
Fucker.
Hey, you're definitely getting the needle, you little bastard.
- [ Growls .]
- What do you know? I'm pretty good at this.
Playing God-- not so tough, huh? Have you accomplished all you set out to do in this life? Are you ready to move on? [ Panting .]
[ Sniffs, Smacks Lips .]
I believe she said no.
Of course she'd say that.
Bitch.
All right.
This is the pre-op room.
Puppies! [ Laughs .]
So where do they put the dog balls after they get-- Is there, like, a big bag of dog nuts lying around somewhere? Yes, there is.
Hmm.
Would you like to see it? Uh, no.
I was not expecting that answer.
Then don't ask the question.
I thought we were supposed to be sewing up dog pooters or however you neuter something? No, you guys are not gonna be touching any medical instruments.
Your job is just to keep these dogs calm and happy before surgery, okay? So you're just gonna be hanging out, playing with the dogs.
[ Voice Rising .]
Best community service ever! Oh! We're like kindred spirits.
[ Laughs .]
- [ Laughing Continues .]
- Okay.
Well-- - [ Gasps .]
- I say we take all the obvious sexual energy in here - to its logical next step.
- Say what? I need to show Drew that I've totally moved on and I'm scoring hot chicks left and right.
That sounds really sweet.
Good luck with that.
- So I need you to do me.
- [ Giggles .]
Jake.
I mean, it's not that you're bad-looking, although you totally wear the wrong jeans for your body type.
It's not that I necessarily wouldn't hook up with you under normal circumstances.
[ Singsongy .]
But puppies.
Sorry.
- I'll pay you.
- You don't have any money.
You're right, but I've got miles.
65,000 of them, earned from years of abusing my credit line.
- And they can be all yours.
- Would 65,000 miles get me to the east coast? 'Cause I need to see my grandparents and ask them for money.
Yes.
And we don't actually have to do anything.
We just have to make Drew think we're doing something.
Fine.
But if I'm going to humiliate myself by slumming it with you and your bad style, you're going to have to humiliate yourself for my amusement.
- Okay.
- Yay! Uh-- Yeah, uh-- [ Chuckles .]
I think there's some confusion here.
I'm part of an interdepartmental task force, you know.
[ Dogs Barking .]
I'm supposed to be working with the K-9 units, leading 'em around, sniffing out drugs and corpses and stuff.
- So this is not necessary.
- Yeah, we don't do that here.
I train attack dogs to maul, like, burglars and intruders and ethnic people and stuff.
I can't believe you're swimming in our extra small suit.
I usually take a large.
That's all right.
I'm gonna fill it in with bubble wrap.
Hey, sweetheart, would you mind, um, filling the bowls up with Puppy Chow while I help munchkin here with his suit? Oh, yeah, there's literally nothing I'd rather do with my college degree, so-- Not a problem.
Okay, there's no need to be condescending.
I went to college too.
I'm gonna have to bubble wrap around here.
No-- Dogs only know testicle-based attacks, so-- Do-- Just for the record, I pretty much think that we're the same height.
You and me? No, that's not-- That's not true.
Uh, well, I think it is.
You just called me "munchkin" and-- No.
Yeah, no.
It's-- We're on a hill is what it is.
And you got the uphill-- It's a perception thing.
I'm 5'9".
Sorry, little guy, but today's just not your day.
Don't look at me like that.
Sure, it may seem cruel, but I'm actually a very benevolent god.
But I'm also an angry and vengeful god.
For the sins of sloth and gluttony and lust, naturally-- and you not being cute enough to be adopted-- you are smited.
And in the words of the great Samuel Lucius Jackson, "I will strike down upon thee with vengeance and violence.
And all you dogs will know that I am the Lord when I strike thee.
" [ Blows Air .]
I gotta disagree.
This one could be adopted.
He's fuckin' freaky lookin', man.
No one's gonna want this thing.
No.
He's got a good heart.
I can tell.
Oh, which ones you wanna pick? Well, you know, when my old gang needed a severed finger, we decided it the only fair way: rolling the dice.
[ Exhales .]
No way, man.
I've tasted the ultimate power, and it tasted like Mountain Dew Code Red-- i.
e.
, delicious.
So why don't you just go chill over there.
Let Papa Bear take care of the hard work himself, all right? I got this.
[ Knuckles Crack .]
[ Hagerty Grunts .]
[ Shouts .]
[ Trainy Laughs .]
[ Trainy .]
Go, gimp.
Faster, gimp.
Go! [ Exhales .]
Puppy Choo-Choo.
[ Imitates Train Whistle .]
get the bear pheromone and the bubble wrap.
[ Exhales .]
- [ Groans .]
- Oh, this takes me back.
[ Panting .]
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna go get my muzzle.
Right.
I've held up my end.
Let's fuckin' do this.
[ Whines .]
[ Trainy Sighs .]
- Ah.
- Ew.
- Get down.
I'll get down.
- [ Dogs Barking .]
This is, like, a $900 outfit.
Okay.
Now, like, do your thing.
Excuse me? My thing? Orgasm.
Loud, so she can hear you.
[ Lowering Voice .]
What kind of orgasm? [ Barking Continues .]
You have to be specific.
You have a whole soundtrack of fake orgasms? Duh.
Who doesn't? Okay.
There's the orangutan.
It's the one that sounds like a-- like a low, guttural yelp.
The dolphin, which a lot of guys really seem to like.
It's more of a high-pitched squealing.
But my personal fave is the idling car.
[ Exhales Rapidly .]
- Okay, Trainy.
Trainy, stop, stop, stop.
That's not sexy.
- [ Exhales, Sighs .]
Um-- How about a-a cloaked banshee, or-or-or a flying mutalisk? [ Growls .]
- They're StarCraft characters.
- Oh, my God.
Please never do that again.
You're making me too unhorny to even fake an orgasm.
[ Gags .]
For you, I will just do the plain old ambulance.
[ Barking Continues .]
[ Imitating Ambulance Siren .]
Oh! Oh, yeah! Wow! I'm havin' so much sex with Trainy over in the bushes.
- [ Trainy Continues, Higher Pitch .]
- Fuck me tons! How come she can't hear us? What the fuck? Ow! - I'm not done! - [ Grunts .]
She's not even there! All right, let's go find her.
[ Wendell Shouting, Muffled .]
This is the worst fake sex ever.
[ Dog Barking .]
My purse! [ Wendell .]
Get this fuckin' dog off me! No, Princess Fi, the testicles.
The testicles, Princess.
You're fine, man.
You've got bubble wrap on.
Relax.
[ Snarling .]
Ow! Oh, now you did it.
That's blood.
Fuck you! Oh, that's a lot of blood.
All right, fellas.
How's it goin'? You make your list? Fella.
Me.
Made the list my damn self.
Here you go.
[ Scoffs .]
We will perform the euthanasia ourselves.
What? Look, that's not gonna happen.
Rules and such.
See, it can't happen because of rules and such.
Hagerty, no honorable man can condemn another being to die unless he's willing to carry out the sentence himself.
That's what Ned Stark said in the first episode of Game of Thrones.
I don't have time for this.
Apparently your parole officer soiled a bite suit, so now I gotta deal with that.
But three of these dogs have gotta go down, and I'm the guy who's gotta do it, okay? [ Sighs .]
What do I care? Maybe this will finally get me fired.
All right, look.
One of you guys grabs the dog.
The other grabs that big needle off the table, jams it in him, and we've got one less best friend for mankind.
But please make it snappy.
I wanna try to get home to watch The Voice.
Well, this is gonna fuckin' suck.
[ Sighs .]
Ooh, hey, behind here.
Okay, so you're gonna pretend to blow me, and when Drew comes back in, she'll catch us, be horrified, and realize she'll never really be over me.
Go team.
That is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard in my life.
She's never gonna buy it.
I'm just gonna blow you for real.
Yeah, no, that's a-- Wait.
What? [ Zipper Unzips .]
Um-- Yeah.
- It's actually kind of cute.
- Huh.
That means a lot coming from you.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hey! You need anything over here? Over on this side of the room? No, I've gotta get some bandages for Wendell.
For a little guy, he's got a lot of blood.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait.
I just wanna let you know I'm hooking up with Trainy.
That's nice.
No, she's giving me a blow job right now.
She's on her knees under these boxes with my dick in her mouth.
And James Marsden is performing cunnilingus on me right now.
[ Inhales .]
James Marsden? - Hey, why did you stop? - I got a text.
[ Sighs .]
Why isn't this working? We gotta go bigger.
- Hurry up and finish.
- Yeah, no, thanks.
I'm over this plan.
I think you should return the favor.
I'm the one that's paying you, remember? I just raised my price.
Oh, come on.
It was your idea to actually blow me.
And this is my idea too.
Fine.
You're lucky my priorities are so petty.
You've gotta do it.
[ Sighs .]
What happened to playing God? It sounds great to have all that power and barely any responsibility, like God, but it sucks to have both, like Spider-Man.
And this is your insane suggestion, all right? Look at me.
[ Exhales .]
Take a fuckin' look, man.
I ain't cut out for this, all right? You're the one that's a badass criminal.
This should be easy for you.
Even in my darkest days, I never harmed an animal.
[ Sighs .]
Just picture a liquor store clerk's face on there and fuckin' jam it in, man.
Hey, you were judge and jury, okay? You must be executioner too.
Ned Stark.
I'm Ned Stark.
I just gotta prepare, that's all.
[ Grunts .]
[ Sniffs .]
[ Squeaks .]
[ Coughs .]
Whoa.
Okay.
All right.
[ Kissing Sound .]
Come here.
You're just gonna die real quick.
You ready? Count me in.
Okay.
One.
Two.
Two.
A little quicker.
That's-- [ Mutters .]
One.
That was one.
Two.
I'm goin' on three, okay? One.
Two.
Three! I can't! I never do what I say I'm gonna do, all right? I ain't gonna start now.
[ Sighs .]
There's gotta be another way.
Think.
Think! Oh.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
We'll sneak him out.
Check it out.
What are you doing? Come here, buddy.
Come here.
What are you do-- What are you-- Brilliant idea.
Grab another one.
I can put it down my pants.
[ Barking .]
Run free! Run like the wind, you precious creatures.
What the hell are you guys doing? Don't stab me.
We decided the only way that we could be comfortable disposing of these dogs was to set them free and give 'em a second chance at life.
Yeah.
That's right, pip-squeak.
Doug and I aren't gonna be any part of killin' precious animals.
Well, you should have thought about that before you released 'em into rush hour traffic.
[ Dog Groans .]
[ Car Horns Blare .]
[ Metal Crunching .]
Shit.
Ow.
Hey, Wendell, if you wanna give me a few more hours 'cause of this, uh, I get it.
- Hagerty, shut up.
- You can't quit! - We had a deal! - Yeah, sorry.
That's not working for me anymore.
Were you guys molesting the puppies? 'Cause that's not okay.
Oh, my God, were you really hooking up with Trainy in a dog pound? That's disgusting.
Jealous? No, Jake.
I am the clear winner, and you are the clear loser of this breakup.
Here is my handsome, successful new boyfriend to pick me up.
[ Car Stereo: Dance .]
Hey, you're gonna want to get in pretty quick.
I think I just ran something over.
Hey, is that you, Trainy? Do I know you? It's Mike.
Your plastic surgeon.
You're gonna have to be more specific.
I gave you your new tits.
Oh, my gosh! Motorboat! [ Imitates Boat, Giggles .]
- You got a new car! - No, no.
I've had it for a month.
- Hey, aren't you totally late for a 3-year examination? - [ Dogs Barking .]
We gotta get you checked out, right? Wanna get in? I think yes.
Drew.
Damn Hippocratic oath, you know.
Gotta be a doctor sometimes.
Gotta go to work.
Yeah, sorry, Drew.
Hooking up with your ex kinda made me realize that I like hooking up with other people.
That's fair.
Oh, well.
Sorry I didn't play Cyclops in X-Men.
Oh.
James Marsden.
- Love that guy.
- [ Car Door Opens .]
[ Car Stereo: Dance .]
You look good.
You look real good.
Drew, [ Whispers .]
I'll sext ya.
Everybody grab a shovel and a Hefty bag.
We got a whole freak ton of dog meat to clean off that road.
Let's go!
[ Wendell .]
Listen up, complete and total losers.
Welcome to the most underfunded and understaffed dog pound in the state.
Now, don't even think about slacking off today, because while you're here shoveling up after unwanted strays, I'll be here too, training the badass, drug-sniffing, crotch-attacking canines of the police force.
Ow! - [ Car Stereo: Dance .]
- [ Engine Revs .]
Porsche Carrera 4 with Tiptronic transmission.
M.
S.
R.
P.
's like 107 "thou.
" Ivy League alumni license plate border and country-club parking pass.
You, sir, have been replaced.
What's that supposed to mean? It means she upgraded to a better model with a guy that literally looks like a model.
- So you'll pick me up later? - Totes.
Ciao.
Ciao.
[ Dogs Barking .]
Hey, look, I gotta tell ya, Hags.
Being single is the shit.
These babies have been knuckle deep in some serious vagina.
They're so exhausted from all the vagina I've been-- - "vaginaing.
" - The only action your fingers have gotten is from playing StarCraft and masturbating to Facebook.
You masturbate to Facebook too? I thought I was the only one turned on by how connected we've all become.
Goddamn it.
I really need to get a new chick to rub in her face.
Mmm.
Talking about a slumpbuster.
"Slumpbuster"? Yeah.
Low hanging fruit.
- How long you been with her? - Eh, four, five years or something.
[ Whistles .]
Scratch that.
Fruit's already on the ground.
You're gonna wanna go with a mega skank, okay? Start there.
Maybe a super fat chick, you know.
Maybe a girl with a lazy eye.
Or a midget.
I don't know.
I-I like the sound of a skank, but a munchkin with a lazy eye is-- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- We're talkin' about human beings here.
- Uh-- - What about that super skank over there? - See those legs? Call that a praying mantis.
She'll bite your head off.
Baby steps.
[ Whispering .]
Baby steps.
Hello, everybody.
My name is Mel.
Welcome to the pound.
There is no more rewarding experience than working with unwanted, abandoned animals.
I've been here for 15 years, and I've never felt more alive in my life.
I'm gonna need a couple people to volunteer for the spaying and neutering of some animals.
Okay, good.
You, half shirt.
Anybody else? - Oh, yeah.
Count me in.
- All right.
- You guys go to Room 15.
- [ Mouths Words .]
- Watch out for that one, Mel.
He's got mental problems.
- Mmm.
You kinda seem like a suck-up.
That's good.
- You ever seen human skin ripped off its own body? - Uh, no.
You ever rub your own feces in a ceremonial mask on your face to protect yourself from death? No.
- Are you really a blonde? - Yes.
- Are you really a blonde? - No.
- All right.
- She's perfect.
All right, you're perfect.
You're gonna go around back here with Chester.
He works with the attack dogs.
- Go around back.
- Okay.
Okay, that leaves you two, and I've got a special project for you.
[ Lowering Voice .]
Thank God we dodged that bullet.
I thought we were gonna get stuck slicing and dicing doggy privates, huh? Okay, I don't like the whispery thing.
Take Sons of Anarchy with you to Room 21.
Hey, uh, I'm gonna need my toupee back.
I was gonna use it Friday night though.
No.
I need hair on Friday.
What do you have on Friday? I got a Bible class.
They think I have hair.
- If I show up bald, they're gonna be, like, "Sinner.
" - That makes sense.
[ Blowing .]
- [ Clears Throat .]
- [ Deflates .]
A dog-fighting ring got shut down this morning, so we're getting a whole new shipment of pups in.
We need to euthanize some of our older dogs.
You two are gonna chose which three are gonna get escorted to doggy heaven.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm joking, of course.
- [ Sighs, Chuckles .]
Okay.
- Dogs don't have souls, so they can't go to heaven.
Okay.
Well, uh, this all sounds, you know, great, obviously, but are there any assignments that involve, uh, belly rubs perhaps? Yeah, I'd steer clear of their bellies, 'cause that's where most of the infectious diseases fester.
You don't wanna get dog eczema, dog shingles, something we call "flaky pussy"-- none of that stuff.
So you guys gotta chose which ones are least likely to get adopted.
And do it fast.
I'm gonna go check on the other group.
All right, Hagerty.
You can do this.
Just don't cry.
Real men don't cry.
[ Groans .]
Ah, this one looks totally baked! [ Laughs .]
Hey, buddy.
Yeah, I like you.
"Live.
" Aw.
Floppy ears, huh? Yeah, she looks like my first grade teacher, Miss Hix.
Guess who's sentencing dogs that look like you to death.
Me.
Oh! "Don't pick your nose and eat it in class.
" What's up, huh? See that? I do what I want.
I don't give a shit.
- [ Dog Barks .]
- Ow.
Fucker.
Hey, you're definitely getting the needle, you little bastard.
- [ Growls .]
- What do you know? I'm pretty good at this.
Playing God-- not so tough, huh? Have you accomplished all you set out to do in this life? Are you ready to move on? [ Panting .]
[ Sniffs, Smacks Lips .]
I believe she said no.
Of course she'd say that.
Bitch.
All right.
This is the pre-op room.
Puppies! [ Laughs .]
So where do they put the dog balls after they get-- Is there, like, a big bag of dog nuts lying around somewhere? Yes, there is.
Hmm.
Would you like to see it? Uh, no.
I was not expecting that answer.
Then don't ask the question.
I thought we were supposed to be sewing up dog pooters or however you neuter something? No, you guys are not gonna be touching any medical instruments.
Your job is just to keep these dogs calm and happy before surgery, okay? So you're just gonna be hanging out, playing with the dogs.
[ Voice Rising .]
Best community service ever! Oh! We're like kindred spirits.
[ Laughs .]
- [ Laughing Continues .]
- Okay.
Well-- - [ Gasps .]
- I say we take all the obvious sexual energy in here - to its logical next step.
- Say what? I need to show Drew that I've totally moved on and I'm scoring hot chicks left and right.
That sounds really sweet.
Good luck with that.
- So I need you to do me.
- [ Giggles .]
Jake.
I mean, it's not that you're bad-looking, although you totally wear the wrong jeans for your body type.
It's not that I necessarily wouldn't hook up with you under normal circumstances.
[ Singsongy .]
But puppies.
Sorry.
- I'll pay you.
- You don't have any money.
You're right, but I've got miles.
65,000 of them, earned from years of abusing my credit line.
- And they can be all yours.
- Would 65,000 miles get me to the east coast? 'Cause I need to see my grandparents and ask them for money.
Yes.
And we don't actually have to do anything.
We just have to make Drew think we're doing something.
Fine.
But if I'm going to humiliate myself by slumming it with you and your bad style, you're going to have to humiliate yourself for my amusement.
- Okay.
- Yay! Uh-- Yeah, uh-- [ Chuckles .]
I think there's some confusion here.
I'm part of an interdepartmental task force, you know.
[ Dogs Barking .]
I'm supposed to be working with the K-9 units, leading 'em around, sniffing out drugs and corpses and stuff.
- So this is not necessary.
- Yeah, we don't do that here.
I train attack dogs to maul, like, burglars and intruders and ethnic people and stuff.
I can't believe you're swimming in our extra small suit.
I usually take a large.
That's all right.
I'm gonna fill it in with bubble wrap.
Hey, sweetheart, would you mind, um, filling the bowls up with Puppy Chow while I help munchkin here with his suit? Oh, yeah, there's literally nothing I'd rather do with my college degree, so-- Not a problem.
Okay, there's no need to be condescending.
I went to college too.
I'm gonna have to bubble wrap around here.
No-- Dogs only know testicle-based attacks, so-- Do-- Just for the record, I pretty much think that we're the same height.
You and me? No, that's not-- That's not true.
Uh, well, I think it is.
You just called me "munchkin" and-- No.
Yeah, no.
It's-- We're on a hill is what it is.
And you got the uphill-- It's a perception thing.
I'm 5'9".
Sorry, little guy, but today's just not your day.
Don't look at me like that.
Sure, it may seem cruel, but I'm actually a very benevolent god.
But I'm also an angry and vengeful god.
For the sins of sloth and gluttony and lust, naturally-- and you not being cute enough to be adopted-- you are smited.
And in the words of the great Samuel Lucius Jackson, "I will strike down upon thee with vengeance and violence.
And all you dogs will know that I am the Lord when I strike thee.
" [ Blows Air .]
I gotta disagree.
This one could be adopted.
He's fuckin' freaky lookin', man.
No one's gonna want this thing.
No.
He's got a good heart.
I can tell.
Oh, which ones you wanna pick? Well, you know, when my old gang needed a severed finger, we decided it the only fair way: rolling the dice.
[ Exhales .]
No way, man.
I've tasted the ultimate power, and it tasted like Mountain Dew Code Red-- i.
e.
, delicious.
So why don't you just go chill over there.
Let Papa Bear take care of the hard work himself, all right? I got this.
[ Knuckles Crack .]
[ Hagerty Grunts .]
[ Shouts .]
[ Trainy Laughs .]
[ Trainy .]
Go, gimp.
Faster, gimp.
Go! [ Exhales .]
Puppy Choo-Choo.
[ Imitates Train Whistle .]
get the bear pheromone and the bubble wrap.
[ Exhales .]
- [ Groans .]
- Oh, this takes me back.
[ Panting .]
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna go get my muzzle.
Right.
I've held up my end.
Let's fuckin' do this.
[ Whines .]
[ Trainy Sighs .]
- Ah.
- Ew.
- Get down.
I'll get down.
- [ Dogs Barking .]
This is, like, a $900 outfit.
Okay.
Now, like, do your thing.
Excuse me? My thing? Orgasm.
Loud, so she can hear you.
[ Lowering Voice .]
What kind of orgasm? [ Barking Continues .]
You have to be specific.
You have a whole soundtrack of fake orgasms? Duh.
Who doesn't? Okay.
There's the orangutan.
It's the one that sounds like a-- like a low, guttural yelp.
The dolphin, which a lot of guys really seem to like.
It's more of a high-pitched squealing.
But my personal fave is the idling car.
[ Exhales Rapidly .]
- Okay, Trainy.
Trainy, stop, stop, stop.
That's not sexy.
- [ Exhales, Sighs .]
Um-- How about a-a cloaked banshee, or-or-or a flying mutalisk? [ Growls .]
- They're StarCraft characters.
- Oh, my God.
Please never do that again.
You're making me too unhorny to even fake an orgasm.
[ Gags .]
For you, I will just do the plain old ambulance.
[ Barking Continues .]
[ Imitating Ambulance Siren .]
Oh! Oh, yeah! Wow! I'm havin' so much sex with Trainy over in the bushes.
- [ Trainy Continues, Higher Pitch .]
- Fuck me tons! How come she can't hear us? What the fuck? Ow! - I'm not done! - [ Grunts .]
She's not even there! All right, let's go find her.
[ Wendell Shouting, Muffled .]
This is the worst fake sex ever.
[ Dog Barking .]
My purse! [ Wendell .]
Get this fuckin' dog off me! No, Princess Fi, the testicles.
The testicles, Princess.
You're fine, man.
You've got bubble wrap on.
Relax.
[ Snarling .]
Ow! Oh, now you did it.
That's blood.
Fuck you! Oh, that's a lot of blood.
All right, fellas.
How's it goin'? You make your list? Fella.
Me.
Made the list my damn self.
Here you go.
[ Scoffs .]
We will perform the euthanasia ourselves.
What? Look, that's not gonna happen.
Rules and such.
See, it can't happen because of rules and such.
Hagerty, no honorable man can condemn another being to die unless he's willing to carry out the sentence himself.
That's what Ned Stark said in the first episode of Game of Thrones.
I don't have time for this.
Apparently your parole officer soiled a bite suit, so now I gotta deal with that.
But three of these dogs have gotta go down, and I'm the guy who's gotta do it, okay? [ Sighs .]
What do I care? Maybe this will finally get me fired.
All right, look.
One of you guys grabs the dog.
The other grabs that big needle off the table, jams it in him, and we've got one less best friend for mankind.
But please make it snappy.
I wanna try to get home to watch The Voice.
Well, this is gonna fuckin' suck.
[ Sighs .]
Ooh, hey, behind here.
Okay, so you're gonna pretend to blow me, and when Drew comes back in, she'll catch us, be horrified, and realize she'll never really be over me.
Go team.
That is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard in my life.
She's never gonna buy it.
I'm just gonna blow you for real.
Yeah, no, that's a-- Wait.
What? [ Zipper Unzips .]
Um-- Yeah.
- It's actually kind of cute.
- Huh.
That means a lot coming from you.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hey! You need anything over here? Over on this side of the room? No, I've gotta get some bandages for Wendell.
For a little guy, he's got a lot of blood.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait.
I just wanna let you know I'm hooking up with Trainy.
That's nice.
No, she's giving me a blow job right now.
She's on her knees under these boxes with my dick in her mouth.
And James Marsden is performing cunnilingus on me right now.
[ Inhales .]
James Marsden? - Hey, why did you stop? - I got a text.
[ Sighs .]
Why isn't this working? We gotta go bigger.
- Hurry up and finish.
- Yeah, no, thanks.
I'm over this plan.
I think you should return the favor.
I'm the one that's paying you, remember? I just raised my price.
Oh, come on.
It was your idea to actually blow me.
And this is my idea too.
Fine.
You're lucky my priorities are so petty.
You've gotta do it.
[ Sighs .]
What happened to playing God? It sounds great to have all that power and barely any responsibility, like God, but it sucks to have both, like Spider-Man.
And this is your insane suggestion, all right? Look at me.
[ Exhales .]
Take a fuckin' look, man.
I ain't cut out for this, all right? You're the one that's a badass criminal.
This should be easy for you.
Even in my darkest days, I never harmed an animal.
[ Sighs .]
Just picture a liquor store clerk's face on there and fuckin' jam it in, man.
Hey, you were judge and jury, okay? You must be executioner too.
Ned Stark.
I'm Ned Stark.
I just gotta prepare, that's all.
[ Grunts .]
[ Sniffs .]
[ Squeaks .]
[ Coughs .]
Whoa.
Okay.
All right.
[ Kissing Sound .]
Come here.
You're just gonna die real quick.
You ready? Count me in.
Okay.
One.
Two.
Two.
A little quicker.
That's-- [ Mutters .]
One.
That was one.
Two.
I'm goin' on three, okay? One.
Two.
Three! I can't! I never do what I say I'm gonna do, all right? I ain't gonna start now.
[ Sighs .]
There's gotta be another way.
Think.
Think! Oh.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
We'll sneak him out.
Check it out.
What are you doing? Come here, buddy.
Come here.
What are you do-- What are you-- Brilliant idea.
Grab another one.
I can put it down my pants.
[ Barking .]
Run free! Run like the wind, you precious creatures.
What the hell are you guys doing? Don't stab me.
We decided the only way that we could be comfortable disposing of these dogs was to set them free and give 'em a second chance at life.
Yeah.
That's right, pip-squeak.
Doug and I aren't gonna be any part of killin' precious animals.
Well, you should have thought about that before you released 'em into rush hour traffic.
[ Dog Groans .]
[ Car Horns Blare .]
[ Metal Crunching .]
Shit.
Ow.
Hey, Wendell, if you wanna give me a few more hours 'cause of this, uh, I get it.
- Hagerty, shut up.
- You can't quit! - We had a deal! - Yeah, sorry.
That's not working for me anymore.
Were you guys molesting the puppies? 'Cause that's not okay.
Oh, my God, were you really hooking up with Trainy in a dog pound? That's disgusting.
Jealous? No, Jake.
I am the clear winner, and you are the clear loser of this breakup.
Here is my handsome, successful new boyfriend to pick me up.
[ Car Stereo: Dance .]
Hey, you're gonna want to get in pretty quick.
I think I just ran something over.
Hey, is that you, Trainy? Do I know you? It's Mike.
Your plastic surgeon.
You're gonna have to be more specific.
I gave you your new tits.
Oh, my gosh! Motorboat! [ Imitates Boat, Giggles .]
- You got a new car! - No, no.
I've had it for a month.
- Hey, aren't you totally late for a 3-year examination? - [ Dogs Barking .]
We gotta get you checked out, right? Wanna get in? I think yes.
Drew.
Damn Hippocratic oath, you know.
Gotta be a doctor sometimes.
Gotta go to work.
Yeah, sorry, Drew.
Hooking up with your ex kinda made me realize that I like hooking up with other people.
That's fair.
Oh, well.
Sorry I didn't play Cyclops in X-Men.
Oh.
James Marsden.
- Love that guy.
- [ Car Door Opens .]
[ Car Stereo: Dance .]
You look good.
You look real good.
Drew, [ Whispers .]
I'll sext ya.
Everybody grab a shovel and a Hefty bag.
We got a whole freak ton of dog meat to clean off that road.
Let's go!