Bad Samaritans (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Trash Mountain
1 [ Groans, Spits .]
Here we go.
[ Man On Radio .]
Yeah, well, limping around, complaining of back injury.
à [ Humming .]
Aah! Are you freakin' serious? Good morning, Jacob.
When we exchanged our personal belongings, you forgot to give me back my blender, and I need it back.
I have things to blend.
Why? You going on one of those anorexic juice cleanses? Good.
Uh, it's none of your business.
I haven't seen your stupid overpriced blender in months.
I left it on the counter next to the toaster.
There's a lot of things on the counter right now, so I've been avoiding the kitchen for a few weeks.
If you want it, you can come find it yourself.
You think I'm gonna spend a day of my life rifling through your man trash to get back what's rightfully mine? You're disgusting.
I'm disgusting? And I hate ya.
You're the one who murdered your own grandmother with disappointment.
Burn! Burn-burny-burn-burn.
Burn.
Well, someone's gettin' burned in this town.
Burn town.
If you were a witch, we'd burn you at the stake.
Get it? You got burned.
Burn.
Burn.
Whatever's happening right now, stop! Just heard some urgent news.
Now, allegedly, the chief of police was rendezvousing at a nearby campsite uh, with a-- well, a platonic companion that was not his wife, and he accidentally threw out his wedding ring.
I just love how smart politician types are when it comes to cheating on their wives.
Oh, I know.
And you have to remind them to check into hotels with fake names, it's like duh.
Regardless of who-slash-what the police chief was doing, you cretins are going to find his ring.
- We won't do your brown-nosing work for you.
- [ Wendell .]
Fine.
To motivate you deadbeats, whoever finds the ring and brings it back to me gets the remainder of their hours cut in half.
[ Jake .]
Ooh, yeah.
[ Wendell .]
Oh, you like that, right? Now, listen.
All the garbage from the campground is taken to a secluded Dumpster in these woods.
They call it "Trash Mountain.
" Ain't that the place that's filled with bum turds and used rubbers? [ Wendell .]
Yeah.
[ Drew .]
My God.
You guys will feel right at home there.
Now, I suggest you get moving.
It's a three-hour trek each way.
Excuse me.
These are $500 pumps made for standing and/or fucking, not hiking.
Why don't we just take that sweet-ass A.
T.
V.
? We could 'derb it up and back in, like, seven minutes.
That type of vehicle is for government employees only, not for off-road "'derbing.
" Besides, I've already stocked it with trail mix and protein shakes.
I'll be pursuing transients while you guys are trudging through the woods.
Now, let's go.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Drew, what was that about spending a day not sifting through garbage? Better step up your trash game if you wanna catch that ring.
[ Hagerty .]
Oh-ho-ho! Burn! Burn! Burn! Why is this happening again? 'Cause she-- Get him out of here.
Doug, since you're the only responsible one, here's a radio, okay? In case anyone dies.
Well, in case any of the girls die.
If it's one of those two, don't-don't bother me.
Just bury their carcasses in the woods.
What are you looking at? Have you stopped working out? You should definitely go on that juice cleanse, maybe even a master cleanse.
And I definitely hate you, so-- Just start starving yourself and maybe your body will eat your ass.
Please stop talking.
à [ Hagerty Whistling .]
What? Okay, um-- Ã [ Whistling Stops .]
[ Doug .]
The path has diverged.
Oh, my God.
Shut up, you guys.
I fucking hate nature.
Yeah, let's go.
We tried.
Yeah.
[ Jake .]
Good job, guys.
No! One of us is finding that ring and getting half our lives back.
It could be any one of us! So let's go! This way.
[ Jake Growls .]
[ Imitating Engine .]
I am Officer Dax Wendell! [ Imitating Engine .]
[ Sighing .]
[ Engine Revving .]
[ Engine Stops .]
Aw, shit! Thanks for getting us lost, Drew.
Drew got us lost, everybody.
No, I didn't.
The path just stopped.
I-- I'm sure it's around here somewhere.
[ Hagerty .]
Over here! Did you find it? Even better.
Fuck yeah! Shrooms! - [ Chuckles .]
- Are those mushrooms of the magical variety? Psilocybe cubensis.
This is the real deal.
That's right.
Mother Nature's your drug dealer now.
Let's do 'em.
Right.
Let's do hallucinogenic drugs while we're already lost on our quest for a mythical trash can.
That's, uh, what I just said.
I'm down for whatever's the opposite of what Drew wants to do.
I only like my drugs synthetic.
But I am stuck in nature with you idiots and a ruined pair of Jimmys, so fuck it.
Okay, Doug, you're the sane one, right? This is crazy.
It might cool us out a bit.
Psilocybin is known for its mental healing qualities.
And you know what? I got this trail mix.
Mix it in and get rid of that shitty aftertaste.
But drugs are dangerous.
I mean, aging of the hypothalamus, serotonin transporter damage.
We could have a psychotic break and eat each other's faces off.
Mm-mmm.
Think of it as a neurological experiment where your mind unravels and then puts itself back together again, only with extra parts.
Mmm.
That's good shit.
Really good shit.
If that was a penis, you'd put it right in your mouth, but mushrooms require a hand sanitizer? Mushrooms are fungus.
Duh.
Drew, you're the only one not doing it.
You wanna be a baby-sitter or you wanna be a baby? Huh? Be a baby, Drew.
Be a baby.
Okay, fine.
Just stop talking.
[ Bag Rustling .]
That's right.
That's a good baby.
That's a good baby.
Oh, God.
Get that out of my face.
[ Wendell .]
Breaker, breaker.
Commencing use of lethal force.
[ Imitating Gunshots .]
I mean-- Bang! Bang! Bang! [ Sighs .]
Yes.
That's the sound of a manly gun.
- [ Engine Revving .]
- Rat-a-tat-tat! [ Bird Cawing .]
Um, guys, when you're shrooming, does it feel like nothing at all is happening? Because nothing at all is happening.
Oh, my God.
What if we ate, like, normal mushrooms? Normal mushrooms? Fuckin' gross.
I hate normal mushrooms.
I can't feel anything.
Give me some more.
What if I have a bad trip? You'll only have a bad trip if you think you'll have a bad trip.
How do I stop myself from thinking that I'm gonna have a bad trip? The soothing sounds of the didgeridoo put me in a safe mental space.
[ High-pitched Whining .]
That's not what a didgeridoo sounds like.
[ Wailing .]
[ Wailing Stops .]
I can hear it.
Come on, everybody.
[ Wailing .]
[ Men Wailing .]
[ Trainy .]
Wait.
Guys, guys.
I found an app.
[ Wailing Continues .]
à [ Rhythmic Beat .]
[ Wailing .]
[ Screeching .]
[ Screeching Continues .]
[ Laughing .]
I gotta get out of here.
à [ Techno Beat .]
Guys, I found Trash Mountain! Look.
Oh! I'm gonna build a trash rocket with that stuff.
Hey, you guys, if that's Trash Mountain, then what is that? Whoa.
I wanna get naked and roll around in it.
That was a weird thought.
Glad I didn't say it out loud.
I can hear your thoughts.
Wait.
Did you say that or think that? [ Laughing .]
Well, I think it's safe to say the shrooms have kicked in.
[ Laughing, Screeching .]
[ Trainy Laughing .]
[ Wendell .]
You can do this.
You are Ryan Gosling and Burt Reynolds all wrapped up into one strong and silent cowboy wheelman.
[ Distorted Male Voice .]
[ Laughs .]
Dude, I'm, like, James Marsden.
[ Both Laughing .]
[ Softly .]
Where are you? I'm gonna find you.
Here ringy ring.
I'm gonna find you.
Ohh.
Uh.
[ Distorted Voices .]
Hagerty, stop eating that trash.
[ Muffled .]
What? It's chocolate cake.
You guys, look at this vintage fur stole and this Van Cleef bracelet.
It's a fucking gold mine in here.
Are you-- Are you serious right now? 'Cause if that's real gold, you're gonna have to do a bite test.
Trainy, that's definitely roadkill.
[ Scoffs .]
Popper.
Oh! Looks like I found a needle in a "highstack.
" [ Hagerty, Drew Laughing .]
[ Wendell .]
Doug.
Doug.
Do you read me? Hey, does anyone else hear that? Doug! Dude-- No, no, no.
I think I'm picking up a telepathic signal.
Wait a minute.
It's your parole officer, Dax Wendell.
Doug.
Do you copy? Your pants are talking.
Doug, there's been a freak A.
T.
V.
accident down by the dirt track.
[ Thinking .]
Oh, no.
Wendell's in trouble.
I have to go save him.
[ Laughing .]
Continue your spiritual journey.
Remember, work together and you can achieve anything.
The fuck is he going? [ Hagerty .]
And where's Jake? Oh, he's back here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What if I'm actually not good at StarCraft? My life will be over.
I'll never be Korean.
- What are you doing back here? - I think I'm having a bad trip.
Oh, my God.
What's happening to your face? I don't know.
[ Sobs .]
I don't know where I am right now.
Why did I eat so many? This is all your fault.
- What did I do? - Shut up, brain.
Shut up, brain.
You're freaking me out, man.
I am who I am [ Distorted Voice .]
and you are who you are.
Once I find that ring and get my old life back, we will be free of each other forever, forever.
Fuck you and your drug-induced epiphany! I'm finding that ring first.
Go.
Oh, Doug, you failed me.
You were supposed to be the responsible one.
[ Groans .]
Thank God.
I got you, bro.
I got you.
I got you.
Doug.
Oh, Thank God.
Man, you should've seen what happened.
Bro, it was crazy.
I was-- [ Screaming .]
What are you doing? You're gonna crush my sternum! I'm beating death out of you.
Doug! I'm alive! I'm alive! What-- What is wrong with you? [ Grunts .]
No, no, no.
Trust me.
Trust me.
Jesus.
Trust me.
Trust me.
Here.
Here.
Drink it.
[ Spitting .]
[ Thinking .]
Guys.
I saved Wendell.
What the fuck is the matter with you? [ Hagerty Hooting .]
Stay the hell away from my pile! I can sense the ring is here.
Oh, you wanna be a trash hog, huh? Huh? Fine! Have my trash then! Have-- Have all the trash! Have all the trash! [ Laughing .]
Guys, stop! Stop! Robert, stop! Do you see what's happening? No! This is just what Wendell wanted-- for us to turn into animals and fight over this little ring.
She's trying to trick us so she can have the trash all to herself.
Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! No! I'm saying if we work together, we can find the ring much, much easier.
- So, who's gonna take credit if we do find it? - All of us.
All of us get the credit, don't you see? We'll take the ring to Wendell together.
He'll have to cut all of our hours in half.
He'll have no other choice.
Why should we trust each other? We're all semi-criminals, tripping balls.
And he's eating garbage.
Don't be so selfish, Jake.
[ Jake .]
Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
I'm in.
[ Drew .]
Great.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Okay, let's all move to the Dumpster.
We'll pull everything out and separate it into small piles where we'll sift through and locate the ring.
You guys are my best friends.
That's so sweet.
We love you too.
[ Hagerty .]
Not you.
I'm talking to the clear things floating around in my eyes.
They're so shy, peaceful.
Oh! Almost got you.
My, uh-- [ Kisses .]
Thank you.
My-- My finger splint is getting a little itchy.
I don't think you wrapped it right.
[ Chuckling .]
Oh, wait a minute.
No, it's dislocated.
I'm gonna have to pop it back into place.
No, it's not dislocated.
It's just itchy.
No, no, no.
It'll just take a second.
No, it-- Watch.
Hang on.
Here.
[ Bones Crack .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Hagerty .]
Nothing in my section! [ Man's Voice .]
Keep me for yourself, Drew.
You deserve the time off.
You're not a criminal like them.
What do you think they would do if they found me? Trainy would sell me on eBay, and Hagerty would try to squeeze me around his penis.
Save me, Drew! I'll keep you safe, ring.
Nothing over here either! Hey, guys, look! I found this elf.
I saved his life and now he has to grant me three wishes.
[ Chuckles .]
Man.
He's so cute.
You are super weird today, Doug.
Why is the trash just all over the place? Did you find the ring? Nope.
We found nothing.
Zip.
Zilch.
Xylophone.
Za-Za-Za-- Actually, I found the ring.
We had a deal.
Oh, please.
None of you would've said anything either if you found it first.
The ring told me.
Do you really think the chief of police would wear a rusty key ring around his finger to commemorate the undying love he has for his wife? You lied to me.
You said you were the ring.
That's right.
You didn't find the ring, dummy.
I found it.
That's not a wedding ring.
That's a cock ring.
Don't you know a cock ring when you see one? Nobody's fingers are that thick, you dummy.
[ Squealing .]
Hey, I'd have taken that.
[ Whimpering .]
So you two were both gonna cheat us out of the ring.
Well, you're made for each other.
So you guys just took a nice, big heap of trash and just spread it out all over the place, huh? It was Drew's idea.
[ Gasps .]
Now you're definitely not getting back that stupid blender.
I knew you knew where it was.
Yes, and I've been using it to make delicious margaritas ever since.
Oh, now you drink alone.
No.
Ye-- Maybe.
Shut up! I found it! Yes! Ha! [ Wendell .]
Yes! That's it.
[ Laughs .]
Good work, Doug.
You get your hours cut in half.
[ Laughs .]
Wendell.
Huh? I-- I'm a volunteer.
I do this for karma.
Okay, so you can work half the hours for all the karma.
You gotta do the bite test to see if it's real gold.
Hey.
Get that out of your mouth! [ Gulps, Chokes .]
Shit.
I swallowed it.
Doug, cut it out of him.
No need.
I poop every hour.
We'll be fine.
Well, fine.
The rest of you people are coming back tomorrow to clean up the entire forest! And guess what.
Your hours for today don't count.
Not again.
That's gonna keep happening, isn't it? Give me back my trail mi-- Oh.
Wen-- [ Coughs .]
Disgusting.
[ Doug Thinking .]
Oh, no.
I don't want Wendell hearing my thoughts.
[ Scoffs .]
Oh, my God.
Me neither.
[ Chuckles .]
What?
Here we go.
[ Man On Radio .]
Yeah, well, limping around, complaining of back injury.
à [ Humming .]
Aah! Are you freakin' serious? Good morning, Jacob.
When we exchanged our personal belongings, you forgot to give me back my blender, and I need it back.
I have things to blend.
Why? You going on one of those anorexic juice cleanses? Good.
Uh, it's none of your business.
I haven't seen your stupid overpriced blender in months.
I left it on the counter next to the toaster.
There's a lot of things on the counter right now, so I've been avoiding the kitchen for a few weeks.
If you want it, you can come find it yourself.
You think I'm gonna spend a day of my life rifling through your man trash to get back what's rightfully mine? You're disgusting.
I'm disgusting? And I hate ya.
You're the one who murdered your own grandmother with disappointment.
Burn! Burn-burny-burn-burn.
Burn.
Well, someone's gettin' burned in this town.
Burn town.
If you were a witch, we'd burn you at the stake.
Get it? You got burned.
Burn.
Burn.
Whatever's happening right now, stop! Just heard some urgent news.
Now, allegedly, the chief of police was rendezvousing at a nearby campsite uh, with a-- well, a platonic companion that was not his wife, and he accidentally threw out his wedding ring.
I just love how smart politician types are when it comes to cheating on their wives.
Oh, I know.
And you have to remind them to check into hotels with fake names, it's like duh.
Regardless of who-slash-what the police chief was doing, you cretins are going to find his ring.
- We won't do your brown-nosing work for you.
- [ Wendell .]
Fine.
To motivate you deadbeats, whoever finds the ring and brings it back to me gets the remainder of their hours cut in half.
[ Jake .]
Ooh, yeah.
[ Wendell .]
Oh, you like that, right? Now, listen.
All the garbage from the campground is taken to a secluded Dumpster in these woods.
They call it "Trash Mountain.
" Ain't that the place that's filled with bum turds and used rubbers? [ Wendell .]
Yeah.
[ Drew .]
My God.
You guys will feel right at home there.
Now, I suggest you get moving.
It's a three-hour trek each way.
Excuse me.
These are $500 pumps made for standing and/or fucking, not hiking.
Why don't we just take that sweet-ass A.
T.
V.
? We could 'derb it up and back in, like, seven minutes.
That type of vehicle is for government employees only, not for off-road "'derbing.
" Besides, I've already stocked it with trail mix and protein shakes.
I'll be pursuing transients while you guys are trudging through the woods.
Now, let's go.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Drew, what was that about spending a day not sifting through garbage? Better step up your trash game if you wanna catch that ring.
[ Hagerty .]
Oh-ho-ho! Burn! Burn! Burn! Why is this happening again? 'Cause she-- Get him out of here.
Doug, since you're the only responsible one, here's a radio, okay? In case anyone dies.
Well, in case any of the girls die.
If it's one of those two, don't-don't bother me.
Just bury their carcasses in the woods.
What are you looking at? Have you stopped working out? You should definitely go on that juice cleanse, maybe even a master cleanse.
And I definitely hate you, so-- Just start starving yourself and maybe your body will eat your ass.
Please stop talking.
à [ Hagerty Whistling .]
What? Okay, um-- Ã [ Whistling Stops .]
[ Doug .]
The path has diverged.
Oh, my God.
Shut up, you guys.
I fucking hate nature.
Yeah, let's go.
We tried.
Yeah.
[ Jake .]
Good job, guys.
No! One of us is finding that ring and getting half our lives back.
It could be any one of us! So let's go! This way.
[ Jake Growls .]
[ Imitating Engine .]
I am Officer Dax Wendell! [ Imitating Engine .]
[ Sighing .]
[ Engine Revving .]
[ Engine Stops .]
Aw, shit! Thanks for getting us lost, Drew.
Drew got us lost, everybody.
No, I didn't.
The path just stopped.
I-- I'm sure it's around here somewhere.
[ Hagerty .]
Over here! Did you find it? Even better.
Fuck yeah! Shrooms! - [ Chuckles .]
- Are those mushrooms of the magical variety? Psilocybe cubensis.
This is the real deal.
That's right.
Mother Nature's your drug dealer now.
Let's do 'em.
Right.
Let's do hallucinogenic drugs while we're already lost on our quest for a mythical trash can.
That's, uh, what I just said.
I'm down for whatever's the opposite of what Drew wants to do.
I only like my drugs synthetic.
But I am stuck in nature with you idiots and a ruined pair of Jimmys, so fuck it.
Okay, Doug, you're the sane one, right? This is crazy.
It might cool us out a bit.
Psilocybin is known for its mental healing qualities.
And you know what? I got this trail mix.
Mix it in and get rid of that shitty aftertaste.
But drugs are dangerous.
I mean, aging of the hypothalamus, serotonin transporter damage.
We could have a psychotic break and eat each other's faces off.
Mm-mmm.
Think of it as a neurological experiment where your mind unravels and then puts itself back together again, only with extra parts.
Mmm.
That's good shit.
Really good shit.
If that was a penis, you'd put it right in your mouth, but mushrooms require a hand sanitizer? Mushrooms are fungus.
Duh.
Drew, you're the only one not doing it.
You wanna be a baby-sitter or you wanna be a baby? Huh? Be a baby, Drew.
Be a baby.
Okay, fine.
Just stop talking.
[ Bag Rustling .]
That's right.
That's a good baby.
That's a good baby.
Oh, God.
Get that out of my face.
[ Wendell .]
Breaker, breaker.
Commencing use of lethal force.
[ Imitating Gunshots .]
I mean-- Bang! Bang! Bang! [ Sighs .]
Yes.
That's the sound of a manly gun.
- [ Engine Revving .]
- Rat-a-tat-tat! [ Bird Cawing .]
Um, guys, when you're shrooming, does it feel like nothing at all is happening? Because nothing at all is happening.
Oh, my God.
What if we ate, like, normal mushrooms? Normal mushrooms? Fuckin' gross.
I hate normal mushrooms.
I can't feel anything.
Give me some more.
What if I have a bad trip? You'll only have a bad trip if you think you'll have a bad trip.
How do I stop myself from thinking that I'm gonna have a bad trip? The soothing sounds of the didgeridoo put me in a safe mental space.
[ High-pitched Whining .]
That's not what a didgeridoo sounds like.
[ Wailing .]
[ Wailing Stops .]
I can hear it.
Come on, everybody.
[ Wailing .]
[ Men Wailing .]
[ Trainy .]
Wait.
Guys, guys.
I found an app.
[ Wailing Continues .]
à [ Rhythmic Beat .]
[ Wailing .]
[ Screeching .]
[ Screeching Continues .]
[ Laughing .]
I gotta get out of here.
à [ Techno Beat .]
Guys, I found Trash Mountain! Look.
Oh! I'm gonna build a trash rocket with that stuff.
Hey, you guys, if that's Trash Mountain, then what is that? Whoa.
I wanna get naked and roll around in it.
That was a weird thought.
Glad I didn't say it out loud.
I can hear your thoughts.
Wait.
Did you say that or think that? [ Laughing .]
Well, I think it's safe to say the shrooms have kicked in.
[ Laughing, Screeching .]
[ Trainy Laughing .]
[ Wendell .]
You can do this.
You are Ryan Gosling and Burt Reynolds all wrapped up into one strong and silent cowboy wheelman.
[ Distorted Male Voice .]
[ Laughs .]
Dude, I'm, like, James Marsden.
[ Both Laughing .]
[ Softly .]
Where are you? I'm gonna find you.
Here ringy ring.
I'm gonna find you.
Ohh.
Uh.
[ Distorted Voices .]
Hagerty, stop eating that trash.
[ Muffled .]
What? It's chocolate cake.
You guys, look at this vintage fur stole and this Van Cleef bracelet.
It's a fucking gold mine in here.
Are you-- Are you serious right now? 'Cause if that's real gold, you're gonna have to do a bite test.
Trainy, that's definitely roadkill.
[ Scoffs .]
Popper.
Oh! Looks like I found a needle in a "highstack.
" [ Hagerty, Drew Laughing .]
[ Wendell .]
Doug.
Doug.
Do you read me? Hey, does anyone else hear that? Doug! Dude-- No, no, no.
I think I'm picking up a telepathic signal.
Wait a minute.
It's your parole officer, Dax Wendell.
Doug.
Do you copy? Your pants are talking.
Doug, there's been a freak A.
T.
V.
accident down by the dirt track.
[ Thinking .]
Oh, no.
Wendell's in trouble.
I have to go save him.
[ Laughing .]
Continue your spiritual journey.
Remember, work together and you can achieve anything.
The fuck is he going? [ Hagerty .]
And where's Jake? Oh, he's back here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What if I'm actually not good at StarCraft? My life will be over.
I'll never be Korean.
- What are you doing back here? - I think I'm having a bad trip.
Oh, my God.
What's happening to your face? I don't know.
[ Sobs .]
I don't know where I am right now.
Why did I eat so many? This is all your fault.
- What did I do? - Shut up, brain.
Shut up, brain.
You're freaking me out, man.
I am who I am [ Distorted Voice .]
and you are who you are.
Once I find that ring and get my old life back, we will be free of each other forever, forever.
Fuck you and your drug-induced epiphany! I'm finding that ring first.
Go.
Oh, Doug, you failed me.
You were supposed to be the responsible one.
[ Groans .]
Thank God.
I got you, bro.
I got you.
I got you.
Doug.
Oh, Thank God.
Man, you should've seen what happened.
Bro, it was crazy.
I was-- [ Screaming .]
What are you doing? You're gonna crush my sternum! I'm beating death out of you.
Doug! I'm alive! I'm alive! What-- What is wrong with you? [ Grunts .]
No, no, no.
Trust me.
Trust me.
Jesus.
Trust me.
Trust me.
Here.
Here.
Drink it.
[ Spitting .]
[ Thinking .]
Guys.
I saved Wendell.
What the fuck is the matter with you? [ Hagerty Hooting .]
Stay the hell away from my pile! I can sense the ring is here.
Oh, you wanna be a trash hog, huh? Huh? Fine! Have my trash then! Have-- Have all the trash! Have all the trash! [ Laughing .]
Guys, stop! Stop! Robert, stop! Do you see what's happening? No! This is just what Wendell wanted-- for us to turn into animals and fight over this little ring.
She's trying to trick us so she can have the trash all to herself.
Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! No! I'm saying if we work together, we can find the ring much, much easier.
- So, who's gonna take credit if we do find it? - All of us.
All of us get the credit, don't you see? We'll take the ring to Wendell together.
He'll have to cut all of our hours in half.
He'll have no other choice.
Why should we trust each other? We're all semi-criminals, tripping balls.
And he's eating garbage.
Don't be so selfish, Jake.
[ Jake .]
Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
I'm in.
[ Drew .]
Great.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Okay, let's all move to the Dumpster.
We'll pull everything out and separate it into small piles where we'll sift through and locate the ring.
You guys are my best friends.
That's so sweet.
We love you too.
[ Hagerty .]
Not you.
I'm talking to the clear things floating around in my eyes.
They're so shy, peaceful.
Oh! Almost got you.
My, uh-- [ Kisses .]
Thank you.
My-- My finger splint is getting a little itchy.
I don't think you wrapped it right.
[ Chuckling .]
Oh, wait a minute.
No, it's dislocated.
I'm gonna have to pop it back into place.
No, it's not dislocated.
It's just itchy.
No, no, no.
It'll just take a second.
No, it-- Watch.
Hang on.
Here.
[ Bones Crack .]
[ Screaming .]
[ Hagerty .]
Nothing in my section! [ Man's Voice .]
Keep me for yourself, Drew.
You deserve the time off.
You're not a criminal like them.
What do you think they would do if they found me? Trainy would sell me on eBay, and Hagerty would try to squeeze me around his penis.
Save me, Drew! I'll keep you safe, ring.
Nothing over here either! Hey, guys, look! I found this elf.
I saved his life and now he has to grant me three wishes.
[ Chuckles .]
Man.
He's so cute.
You are super weird today, Doug.
Why is the trash just all over the place? Did you find the ring? Nope.
We found nothing.
Zip.
Zilch.
Xylophone.
Za-Za-Za-- Actually, I found the ring.
We had a deal.
Oh, please.
None of you would've said anything either if you found it first.
The ring told me.
Do you really think the chief of police would wear a rusty key ring around his finger to commemorate the undying love he has for his wife? You lied to me.
You said you were the ring.
That's right.
You didn't find the ring, dummy.
I found it.
That's not a wedding ring.
That's a cock ring.
Don't you know a cock ring when you see one? Nobody's fingers are that thick, you dummy.
[ Squealing .]
Hey, I'd have taken that.
[ Whimpering .]
So you two were both gonna cheat us out of the ring.
Well, you're made for each other.
So you guys just took a nice, big heap of trash and just spread it out all over the place, huh? It was Drew's idea.
[ Gasps .]
Now you're definitely not getting back that stupid blender.
I knew you knew where it was.
Yes, and I've been using it to make delicious margaritas ever since.
Oh, now you drink alone.
No.
Ye-- Maybe.
Shut up! I found it! Yes! Ha! [ Wendell .]
Yes! That's it.
[ Laughs .]
Good work, Doug.
You get your hours cut in half.
[ Laughs .]
Wendell.
Huh? I-- I'm a volunteer.
I do this for karma.
Okay, so you can work half the hours for all the karma.
You gotta do the bite test to see if it's real gold.
Hey.
Get that out of your mouth! [ Gulps, Chokes .]
Shit.
I swallowed it.
Doug, cut it out of him.
No need.
I poop every hour.
We'll be fine.
Well, fine.
The rest of you people are coming back tomorrow to clean up the entire forest! And guess what.
Your hours for today don't count.
Not again.
That's gonna keep happening, isn't it? Give me back my trail mi-- Oh.
Wen-- [ Coughs .]
Disgusting.
[ Doug Thinking .]
Oh, no.
I don't want Wendell hearing my thoughts.
[ Scoffs .]
Oh, my God.
Me neither.
[ Chuckles .]
What?