Bad Samaritans (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
Middle School Detention
1 [ Woman .]
Welcome to Saturday Detention.
This community service group is going to help us out today.
They'll be cleaning bathrooms while you're picking up litter around campus.
But first I thought that this would be a good opportunity for them to speak to you about what your futures might hold if you don't straighten up your acts.
Learn from their mistakes, kids.
[ Jake .]
Sure, being a criminal seems great.
But what they don't show you on TV and in the movies is if you get caught, the government forces you to do all sorts of dumb crap.
You cannot un-crush a man's larynx.
[ Scoffs .]
[ Beeps .]
Eat a fucking dick, Mackenzie.
You are such a fat whore.
North America and South America are moving toward each other.
And one day they are gonna smash into each other.
So do you want "Nouth" America or do you want "Sorth" America? [ Jake .]
And listen to Mrs.
Parker.
I had her back in the good ol' days when I went here, and she was my favorite.
Never date down.
It will only bring you down to their level.
It was my class that named the turtle.
Keep on truckin', Donatello.
Any questions? [ Boy .]
I got a question.
- Mm-hmm? - Would you consider yourself a complete loser or an absolute failure? It is important that I don't validate your rude tone with a response.
All right, Let's maybe not do questions.
I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea.
Class, let's just thank our community service speakers.
- I got this, teach.
Stay in school.
- [ Mrs.
Parker Gasps .]
Yo.
[ Drew Laughing .]
[ Chattering .]
[ Drew .]
Thank you so much.
Take care.
[ Sighs .]
What was that all about? Oh, well, it's really none of your business, but since it'll piss you off, I'll tell you anyway.
Your former teacher, having no doubt been moved by my analysis of her class, has informed me that I can get out of community service by finishing up my hours here as part of an after-school counseling program.
She's on the way to her room to write me a recommendation as we speak.
That's bullshit.
I know.
You can't weasel out of this before I've weaseled out of this.
Oh, well, consider yourself weaseled.
Okay, team.
Listen up.
This is Floyd.
He'll be your monitor for the day, and I expect you to show him the same respect you'd show me.
Hmm? Yeah.
I'm Floyd, like the little kid said, and we are janitors today, aren't we? What do janitors do? They clean.
So nothing too tricky.
Let's split ya up-- boys and girls-- and start with these bathrooms.
Oh, hey, can the boys clean the girls bathroom? Uh-- Uh-- The boys do the girls' bathroom? Huh.
Yeah.
Do that.
Booyah.
We enter the forbidden zone.
Excuse me.
That doesn't really seem fair.
Mmm.
It's not so bad.
I always thought boys rooms would be, like, filthy.
[ Jake Shrieks .]
Jesus hell! It's like a chimpanzee cage in here.
There's shit everywhere.
There's piss on the walls.
How is that possible? [ Gasps .]
Oh, my gosh.
Do you remember playing piss high jump with your friends to see who could pee highest up the wall? No.
Um, I actually didn't use the regular bathrooms very much.
I had an honorary faculty bathroom pass.
[ Laughs .]
They called me "teacher's pet.
" [ Gasps .]
That's what they called me too.
It wasn't like that.
He was just a substitute teacher.
No need to get weird.
All right, let's, uh, get this over with.
Jake, what do you care if Drew does her community service here? It's her fault I have community service here, and this is my school.
I should be the one screwing around, not her.
Jake.
Jake, it's like the song says, you know.
"The children are the future.
" Shut the fuck up, Doug! Please.
Now is not the time.
[ Screaming .]
[ Screaming Continues, Stops .]
Everything okay? Oh.
I see you found the tampon disposal.
[ Chuckles .]
Probably should've given you the heads-up on that one, huh? Say, Floyd, you might not remember me, but I'm-I'm Jake-- Jake Gibson.
Oh, right.
Little Jake.
Yeah.
How you doing? I'm good, man.
You're looking good.
I'm liking those boots, brother.
That's a sexy set of keys you got on ya there.
Hey, you seem like a straight shooter.
You want me to take you on a tour? A little secret tour.
Sounds good to me.
Can I come? No.
Alumni only.
Sorry.
So you have keys to all the classrooms, right? Keys to everything, my friend.
The world is my oyster, as long as it's in the confines of the school grounds.
Let's stop in here for a second-- refuel.
Cool.
Yeah.
I always wondered what was behind that door.
Well, welcome to the real teacher's lounge.
Huh? Kick back.
Throw your feet up.
I'll make you a drink.
You know, deep down, I think I always knew some of the teachers were boozin'.
- Yeah.
- Especially Mr.
Moss, the wood shop teacher.
Oh, that drunk cocksucker cut his entire hand off last year.
Yeah, here's to unlocking the many mysteries of life.
Ooh.
[ Coughs .]
Bottom's up.
You like that shit, huh? It's pruno.
What the fuck's pruno? It's a vomit-flavored wine cooler.
We distill it in the toilet.
Uh-oh.
[ Belches .]
[ Urinating .]
[ Pants Zip .]
[ Teens Chattering .]
Ahoy hoy hoy, party pizzles.
What's crappening? Cigarettes? Are you kidding? Those things will give you cancer, bruh.
Uh, it's not just a cigarette, okay? There's weed in here.
You guys want a hit? Nobody smokes weed anymore.
[ Scoffs .]
I could probably, uh, scrounge up some shrooms.
That shit's for pussies.
We boom.
Boom? Uh-- O.
M.
G.
He doesn't know what booming is.
I also don't know what "O.
M.
G.
" is.
Wha-What's booming? - [ Grunts .]
- This thing has a sound frequency that totally fucks with your shit.
You might not be able to handle it.
Listen, kid.
I don't think you know who you're talking to, okay? I'm a professional.
- What is this? - [ Electrical Humming .]
[ Humming Continues, Stops .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Groans .]
See, I told you I'm a baller.
You can just call me the Karl Malone of drugs.
- [ Teens .]
Who? - Karl Malone.
[ Gags .]
[ Retching .]
Ew.
[ Gasps .]
[ Coughing .]
You're cleaning that up, Hagerty! Oh! What happened? Noob couldn't handle his boom.
This shit'll get to your head.
à [ Speakers: R & B .]
So tell me, Floyd.
The kids still sneak out behind Makeout Bush? Oh.
No.
The bums used to go back there to butt-fuck, so the school made us rip it out.
I mean, they still go back there to butt-fuck.
But now that the bush isn't there, I have to watch it.
Butt-fucking bums.
You ever see a bum butt-fuck? Can't say that I have.
Just butt-fucking each other.
What got you into the fast-paced world of janitorial duty? When I was 23, I mooned a group of punks that used to make fun of me, laugh at me.
It turned out some of those punks were underage, so I got pinched as a sex offender.
Hmm.
So I had to do a little work as a janitor.
You know, it's my community service.
I guess the hobo dicks are just karma catching up to me.
Mm-hmm.
They're hiring, you know, and you do have a janitorial physique.
Thanks.
And you-you remind me a lot of me when I was at my age.
You wanna try my uniform on? No.
I'm just gonna get a little shut-eye.
So, boys, tell me a little more about yourselves.
What do your fathers do? My dad owns a few hotels.
The Oasis Sunshine Inn chain.
Well, look what we have here-- a hotelier's son.
You sound like a very interesting person.
We'd have a lot in common.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna give you my number.
I want you to call me when you turn 18 or when your trust fund kicks in or if your dad dies or if your mom dies.
Look at this skanky vag floozing all over the boys.
Oh, I'm sorry, "wittle" baby.
Am I giving off too much heat? Don't be trying to act alpha in a clashy mess like that.
Look, ho, don't be intimidated because I can steal your little boyfriends away with a taste of womanhood.
Have you little babies even been to first base yet? Okay.
Trainy? Huh? Huh? Let me handle this.
Of course we've been to first base.
This is 2013.
You guys have french kissed already? First base is anal.
No condoms necessary.
Hashtag YOLO.
Everybody knows that.
Virgin.
I'm not a virgin.
I am a grown-up adult with a lot of life experience.
You guys could learn a lot from me.
Mm-hmm.
Like how to spend my Saturdays cleaning toilets with my loser boyfriend? - No, thanks.
- Doug, come teach these kids some respect.
I'll tell the teacher you touched me.
[ Whispering .]
Mrs.
Parker.
Oh.
Ah.
Hmm.
Okay.
"I am writing this letter on behalf of the community"-- Blah, blah, blah.
She is not very motivated.
Drew has a drug addiction, poor hygiene, no work ethic whatsoever.
She is unstable and an overall disaster.
Print.
Come on.
[ Rattling .]
I told you guys I could pick locks.
Oh, hey.
Hey, guys.
I was just emptying out the trash.
[ Clattering .]
Oh, my God.
Jake.
Jake, tell these mean bitches we've had sex.
They keep calling me a virgin.
[ Girl .]
Yeah, virgin.
Heard you're real fond of the Face Guatemalan Hat position.
Yes.
We love it.
- The what? - I have no idea.
They're really getting to me.
I am not an uptight nun.
You're supposed to be a professional child psychologist.
You're afraid of some tweens? They're evil, man.
Evil.
I thought I could be a mean bitch, but these little sluts are taking it to a whole new level.
- It's too late for us.
Let's just go.
- No.
You need to stay here and tell these sociopaths all the horrible sex things I let you do to me.
I don't know what a Cramtickler is.
But we own one, and it is my favorite.
Go.
All right.
Just wait here.
I'll sort this out, put a little fear into these goobers.
Be careful.
He's a dead man.
[ Drew .]
This is crazy.
Huddle up.
Huddle up.
[ Jake .]
You wanna come to an agreement? We got this? We got this? His head looks weird from the back.
Yeah.
[ All Laughing .]
All right.
[ Trainy .]
Well, what happened? - Are we free now? - Totally.
All we have to do is kill Mrs.
Parker's turtle, and we're cool.
They-They said they didn't want an animal named by a loser like me representing their class.
Kill Donatello? [ Girl #2 .]
Yeah.
We want a guinea pig as a class pet.
So who's gonna do it? [ Both Gasp .]
[ Gasps .]
Ow! What are you, uh-- Ah, shit.
- Bite its head off.
- Yeah, bite its fucking head off.
Ooh, gross.
No.
Great.
Shut up, virgin.
Why don't I just throw it out the damn window or steal it? Wouldn't that accomplish the same thing? Yeah, if you're too stinky of a pussy to bite its head off.
Just let us know if you're a gross stinky pussy.
Listen, kid.
I'm not a stinky pussy, okay? I wanna do it.
Yeah.
Fucking hate turtles.
[ Girl #2 .]
Yeah, we all do.
Don't look at them.
Sorry, Donatello.
I was always a Michelangelo kind of guy.
Jake, do something.
He won't actually do it.
- [ Groans .]
- [ Trainy, Drew Squeal .]
Oh, my God! He did it! No.
Swallow it.
[ Gags, Coughs .]
[ Coughs .]
[ Coughs .]
Now puke it back up.
Then the virgin eats the puke.
Okay, no.
That's enough.
We assassinated a perfectly good turtle for these buttholes.
Let's fight back.
It's too late, Jake.
We're dinosaurs.
These kids are so far beyond us.
They have abortions for fun.
That makes no sense.
We're adults.
That automatically makes us better than them.
[ Laughs .]
Says the failure doing community service at his former school.
Oh.
You wanna go? Let's go.
What's your favorite sex move? The Reverse Flying Squirrel or the Mexican Butterfly.
I'm partial to the Reverse Flying Squirrel.
There's no such thing.
[ Drew Laughs .]
Done a lot of drugs? Yeah, like when everybody does 'em.
Elementary school.
They were boring.
Even when your teeth get really cold when you're doing coke? That was lame.
Coke doesn't do that, idiot.
- When's the last time you wet the bed? - Last week.
You wet the bed? That's disgusting.
Big words coming from a boy who still uses a night-light.
[ Snickering .]
At least I'm old enough to ejaculate.
He told me one time he tried masturbating, he just peed in his hand.
Confess.
Confess.
Okay, okay.
We're liars.
We learned all that stuff on the Internet.
We've never even used the Boomer before.
I stole it from my brother.
You-- You never boomed before? You fucking kidding me? What if I got fucking brain damage? - [ Door Opens .]
- What's everyone doing in here? Oh! We're just teaching the kids about turtles.
Do you have vomit on your shirt? No, it's noth-- We got-- We gotta clean with that mop thing.
Yeah.
[ Trainy .]
Maybe I should go.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Yep.
[ Door Opens .]
Community service.
[ Laughs .]
That's you.
Oh, yeah.
How about that? Jake's one of the best students I've ever had.
[ Laughs .]
What happened? You know, Jake, I tried to talk to you about it back then.
But-- Well, you're an adult now.
Maybe you can be honest with me.
What did happen? You were getting all A's, and then midway through the year, your grades just plummeted.
Oh, yeah.
That was the year the first StarCraft came out.
[ Sighs .]
School pretty much became meaningless after that.
Wow.
That's really sad.
I wish I hadn't asked.
Drew, here's your letter of recommendation.
I hope that it helps to turn things around for you.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Thank you so much, Mrs.
Parker.
And thank you too for having my back.
It's rare moments like that when I think I'll almost miss you.
Wait.
Drew, you sure you wanna mail that letter? Today was just four kids.
You're gonna have a whole school of these little shits.
They will eat you alive.
Today was harder than expected, but I think it'll be really good for my career in the long run.
Maybe when this is all over, we can try and be friends.
Well, not friends, but-- You know.
Good luck.
[ Kisses .]
[ Door Opens .]
Feeding time, Donatello.
Donatello? Oh, my God!
Welcome to Saturday Detention.
This community service group is going to help us out today.
They'll be cleaning bathrooms while you're picking up litter around campus.
But first I thought that this would be a good opportunity for them to speak to you about what your futures might hold if you don't straighten up your acts.
Learn from their mistakes, kids.
[ Jake .]
Sure, being a criminal seems great.
But what they don't show you on TV and in the movies is if you get caught, the government forces you to do all sorts of dumb crap.
You cannot un-crush a man's larynx.
[ Scoffs .]
[ Beeps .]
Eat a fucking dick, Mackenzie.
You are such a fat whore.
North America and South America are moving toward each other.
And one day they are gonna smash into each other.
So do you want "Nouth" America or do you want "Sorth" America? [ Jake .]
And listen to Mrs.
Parker.
I had her back in the good ol' days when I went here, and she was my favorite.
Never date down.
It will only bring you down to their level.
It was my class that named the turtle.
Keep on truckin', Donatello.
Any questions? [ Boy .]
I got a question.
- Mm-hmm? - Would you consider yourself a complete loser or an absolute failure? It is important that I don't validate your rude tone with a response.
All right, Let's maybe not do questions.
I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea.
Class, let's just thank our community service speakers.
- I got this, teach.
Stay in school.
- [ Mrs.
Parker Gasps .]
Yo.
[ Drew Laughing .]
[ Chattering .]
[ Drew .]
Thank you so much.
Take care.
[ Sighs .]
What was that all about? Oh, well, it's really none of your business, but since it'll piss you off, I'll tell you anyway.
Your former teacher, having no doubt been moved by my analysis of her class, has informed me that I can get out of community service by finishing up my hours here as part of an after-school counseling program.
She's on the way to her room to write me a recommendation as we speak.
That's bullshit.
I know.
You can't weasel out of this before I've weaseled out of this.
Oh, well, consider yourself weaseled.
Okay, team.
Listen up.
This is Floyd.
He'll be your monitor for the day, and I expect you to show him the same respect you'd show me.
Hmm? Yeah.
I'm Floyd, like the little kid said, and we are janitors today, aren't we? What do janitors do? They clean.
So nothing too tricky.
Let's split ya up-- boys and girls-- and start with these bathrooms.
Oh, hey, can the boys clean the girls bathroom? Uh-- Uh-- The boys do the girls' bathroom? Huh.
Yeah.
Do that.
Booyah.
We enter the forbidden zone.
Excuse me.
That doesn't really seem fair.
Mmm.
It's not so bad.
I always thought boys rooms would be, like, filthy.
[ Jake Shrieks .]
Jesus hell! It's like a chimpanzee cage in here.
There's shit everywhere.
There's piss on the walls.
How is that possible? [ Gasps .]
Oh, my gosh.
Do you remember playing piss high jump with your friends to see who could pee highest up the wall? No.
Um, I actually didn't use the regular bathrooms very much.
I had an honorary faculty bathroom pass.
[ Laughs .]
They called me "teacher's pet.
" [ Gasps .]
That's what they called me too.
It wasn't like that.
He was just a substitute teacher.
No need to get weird.
All right, let's, uh, get this over with.
Jake, what do you care if Drew does her community service here? It's her fault I have community service here, and this is my school.
I should be the one screwing around, not her.
Jake.
Jake, it's like the song says, you know.
"The children are the future.
" Shut the fuck up, Doug! Please.
Now is not the time.
[ Screaming .]
[ Screaming Continues, Stops .]
Everything okay? Oh.
I see you found the tampon disposal.
[ Chuckles .]
Probably should've given you the heads-up on that one, huh? Say, Floyd, you might not remember me, but I'm-I'm Jake-- Jake Gibson.
Oh, right.
Little Jake.
Yeah.
How you doing? I'm good, man.
You're looking good.
I'm liking those boots, brother.
That's a sexy set of keys you got on ya there.
Hey, you seem like a straight shooter.
You want me to take you on a tour? A little secret tour.
Sounds good to me.
Can I come? No.
Alumni only.
Sorry.
So you have keys to all the classrooms, right? Keys to everything, my friend.
The world is my oyster, as long as it's in the confines of the school grounds.
Let's stop in here for a second-- refuel.
Cool.
Yeah.
I always wondered what was behind that door.
Well, welcome to the real teacher's lounge.
Huh? Kick back.
Throw your feet up.
I'll make you a drink.
You know, deep down, I think I always knew some of the teachers were boozin'.
- Yeah.
- Especially Mr.
Moss, the wood shop teacher.
Oh, that drunk cocksucker cut his entire hand off last year.
Yeah, here's to unlocking the many mysteries of life.
Ooh.
[ Coughs .]
Bottom's up.
You like that shit, huh? It's pruno.
What the fuck's pruno? It's a vomit-flavored wine cooler.
We distill it in the toilet.
Uh-oh.
[ Belches .]
[ Urinating .]
[ Pants Zip .]
[ Teens Chattering .]
Ahoy hoy hoy, party pizzles.
What's crappening? Cigarettes? Are you kidding? Those things will give you cancer, bruh.
Uh, it's not just a cigarette, okay? There's weed in here.
You guys want a hit? Nobody smokes weed anymore.
[ Scoffs .]
I could probably, uh, scrounge up some shrooms.
That shit's for pussies.
We boom.
Boom? Uh-- O.
M.
G.
He doesn't know what booming is.
I also don't know what "O.
M.
G.
" is.
Wha-What's booming? - [ Grunts .]
- This thing has a sound frequency that totally fucks with your shit.
You might not be able to handle it.
Listen, kid.
I don't think you know who you're talking to, okay? I'm a professional.
- What is this? - [ Electrical Humming .]
[ Humming Continues, Stops .]
[ Grunts .]
[ Groans .]
See, I told you I'm a baller.
You can just call me the Karl Malone of drugs.
- [ Teens .]
Who? - Karl Malone.
[ Gags .]
[ Retching .]
Ew.
[ Gasps .]
[ Coughing .]
You're cleaning that up, Hagerty! Oh! What happened? Noob couldn't handle his boom.
This shit'll get to your head.
à [ Speakers: R & B .]
So tell me, Floyd.
The kids still sneak out behind Makeout Bush? Oh.
No.
The bums used to go back there to butt-fuck, so the school made us rip it out.
I mean, they still go back there to butt-fuck.
But now that the bush isn't there, I have to watch it.
Butt-fucking bums.
You ever see a bum butt-fuck? Can't say that I have.
Just butt-fucking each other.
What got you into the fast-paced world of janitorial duty? When I was 23, I mooned a group of punks that used to make fun of me, laugh at me.
It turned out some of those punks were underage, so I got pinched as a sex offender.
Hmm.
So I had to do a little work as a janitor.
You know, it's my community service.
I guess the hobo dicks are just karma catching up to me.
Mm-hmm.
They're hiring, you know, and you do have a janitorial physique.
Thanks.
And you-you remind me a lot of me when I was at my age.
You wanna try my uniform on? No.
I'm just gonna get a little shut-eye.
So, boys, tell me a little more about yourselves.
What do your fathers do? My dad owns a few hotels.
The Oasis Sunshine Inn chain.
Well, look what we have here-- a hotelier's son.
You sound like a very interesting person.
We'd have a lot in common.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna give you my number.
I want you to call me when you turn 18 or when your trust fund kicks in or if your dad dies or if your mom dies.
Look at this skanky vag floozing all over the boys.
Oh, I'm sorry, "wittle" baby.
Am I giving off too much heat? Don't be trying to act alpha in a clashy mess like that.
Look, ho, don't be intimidated because I can steal your little boyfriends away with a taste of womanhood.
Have you little babies even been to first base yet? Okay.
Trainy? Huh? Huh? Let me handle this.
Of course we've been to first base.
This is 2013.
You guys have french kissed already? First base is anal.
No condoms necessary.
Hashtag YOLO.
Everybody knows that.
Virgin.
I'm not a virgin.
I am a grown-up adult with a lot of life experience.
You guys could learn a lot from me.
Mm-hmm.
Like how to spend my Saturdays cleaning toilets with my loser boyfriend? - No, thanks.
- Doug, come teach these kids some respect.
I'll tell the teacher you touched me.
[ Whispering .]
Mrs.
Parker.
Oh.
Ah.
Hmm.
Okay.
"I am writing this letter on behalf of the community"-- Blah, blah, blah.
She is not very motivated.
Drew has a drug addiction, poor hygiene, no work ethic whatsoever.
She is unstable and an overall disaster.
Print.
Come on.
[ Rattling .]
I told you guys I could pick locks.
Oh, hey.
Hey, guys.
I was just emptying out the trash.
[ Clattering .]
Oh, my God.
Jake.
Jake, tell these mean bitches we've had sex.
They keep calling me a virgin.
[ Girl .]
Yeah, virgin.
Heard you're real fond of the Face Guatemalan Hat position.
Yes.
We love it.
- The what? - I have no idea.
They're really getting to me.
I am not an uptight nun.
You're supposed to be a professional child psychologist.
You're afraid of some tweens? They're evil, man.
Evil.
I thought I could be a mean bitch, but these little sluts are taking it to a whole new level.
- It's too late for us.
Let's just go.
- No.
You need to stay here and tell these sociopaths all the horrible sex things I let you do to me.
I don't know what a Cramtickler is.
But we own one, and it is my favorite.
Go.
All right.
Just wait here.
I'll sort this out, put a little fear into these goobers.
Be careful.
He's a dead man.
[ Drew .]
This is crazy.
Huddle up.
Huddle up.
[ Jake .]
You wanna come to an agreement? We got this? We got this? His head looks weird from the back.
Yeah.
[ All Laughing .]
All right.
[ Trainy .]
Well, what happened? - Are we free now? - Totally.
All we have to do is kill Mrs.
Parker's turtle, and we're cool.
They-They said they didn't want an animal named by a loser like me representing their class.
Kill Donatello? [ Girl #2 .]
Yeah.
We want a guinea pig as a class pet.
So who's gonna do it? [ Both Gasp .]
[ Gasps .]
Ow! What are you, uh-- Ah, shit.
- Bite its head off.
- Yeah, bite its fucking head off.
Ooh, gross.
No.
Great.
Shut up, virgin.
Why don't I just throw it out the damn window or steal it? Wouldn't that accomplish the same thing? Yeah, if you're too stinky of a pussy to bite its head off.
Just let us know if you're a gross stinky pussy.
Listen, kid.
I'm not a stinky pussy, okay? I wanna do it.
Yeah.
Fucking hate turtles.
[ Girl #2 .]
Yeah, we all do.
Don't look at them.
Sorry, Donatello.
I was always a Michelangelo kind of guy.
Jake, do something.
He won't actually do it.
- [ Groans .]
- [ Trainy, Drew Squeal .]
Oh, my God! He did it! No.
Swallow it.
[ Gags, Coughs .]
[ Coughs .]
[ Coughs .]
Now puke it back up.
Then the virgin eats the puke.
Okay, no.
That's enough.
We assassinated a perfectly good turtle for these buttholes.
Let's fight back.
It's too late, Jake.
We're dinosaurs.
These kids are so far beyond us.
They have abortions for fun.
That makes no sense.
We're adults.
That automatically makes us better than them.
[ Laughs .]
Says the failure doing community service at his former school.
Oh.
You wanna go? Let's go.
What's your favorite sex move? The Reverse Flying Squirrel or the Mexican Butterfly.
I'm partial to the Reverse Flying Squirrel.
There's no such thing.
[ Drew Laughs .]
Done a lot of drugs? Yeah, like when everybody does 'em.
Elementary school.
They were boring.
Even when your teeth get really cold when you're doing coke? That was lame.
Coke doesn't do that, idiot.
- When's the last time you wet the bed? - Last week.
You wet the bed? That's disgusting.
Big words coming from a boy who still uses a night-light.
[ Snickering .]
At least I'm old enough to ejaculate.
He told me one time he tried masturbating, he just peed in his hand.
Confess.
Confess.
Okay, okay.
We're liars.
We learned all that stuff on the Internet.
We've never even used the Boomer before.
I stole it from my brother.
You-- You never boomed before? You fucking kidding me? What if I got fucking brain damage? - [ Door Opens .]
- What's everyone doing in here? Oh! We're just teaching the kids about turtles.
Do you have vomit on your shirt? No, it's noth-- We got-- We gotta clean with that mop thing.
Yeah.
[ Trainy .]
Maybe I should go.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Yep.
[ Door Opens .]
Community service.
[ Laughs .]
That's you.
Oh, yeah.
How about that? Jake's one of the best students I've ever had.
[ Laughs .]
What happened? You know, Jake, I tried to talk to you about it back then.
But-- Well, you're an adult now.
Maybe you can be honest with me.
What did happen? You were getting all A's, and then midway through the year, your grades just plummeted.
Oh, yeah.
That was the year the first StarCraft came out.
[ Sighs .]
School pretty much became meaningless after that.
Wow.
That's really sad.
I wish I hadn't asked.
Drew, here's your letter of recommendation.
I hope that it helps to turn things around for you.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Thank you so much, Mrs.
Parker.
And thank you too for having my back.
It's rare moments like that when I think I'll almost miss you.
Wait.
Drew, you sure you wanna mail that letter? Today was just four kids.
You're gonna have a whole school of these little shits.
They will eat you alive.
Today was harder than expected, but I think it'll be really good for my career in the long run.
Maybe when this is all over, we can try and be friends.
Well, not friends, but-- You know.
Good luck.
[ Kisses .]
[ Door Opens .]
Feeding time, Donatello.
Donatello? Oh, my God!