Bad Samaritans (2013) s01e05 Episode Script
Wendells Party
1 How the hell is Wendell now a cop? I don't-- Yeah, cops are supposed to be buff.
Or at least fat.
He agreed to be the police chief of El Chavo, Mexico.
- El Chav-o? - El what-o? It's a cartel town on the border.
The last three chiefs have been decapitated.
This is probably how Wendell always dreamed of dying.
You know, as his friends, we should try to talk him out of taking this gig.
Whoa, wait.
We're friends with Wendell? You know, you can joke, but if he dies, you'd be sad.
[ Clicks Tongue .]
Eh.
To Wendell.
May he spend the short remainder of his short existence being an extra-large pain in the ass to someone else.
All right, servants, bring it in.
You're all here for work, not to party down.
This doesn't feel like community service.
What do you care? You're still gettin' hours for this.
Yeah.
Look, you all need to act like professional caterers to impress my guests and to prove to my family that I finally made something of myself.
Uh, what guests? [ Stammering .]
I only invited the cool people.
Cool people show up fashionably late.
God, don't you know anything about parties? Whoo! Whoo! - Mm-mmm! - [ Jake .]
Oh, my God.
[ Slurring .]
Police Chief of Death Wendell.
I know.
Are you drunk? Mmm.
Mmm, I'm sorry.
I'm just getting the party started a little early.
Oh.
Come on.
Why is everyone sittin' around? [ Knocking .]
Oh, it's a guest.
I got it.
I'm the greeter.
No, no.
Absolutely not! No! Ahh! Ahh! Jake, please.
Jake, get her out of here.
Take her to my bedroom.
Sober her up.
I don't care how you do it.
- Why me? - I'll give you an extra hundred hours off.
Done! Okay.
[ Knocking .]
à [ Speakers: Light Rock .]
- Fix sink? - [ Sighs .]
False alarm! It's just the plumber.
áÃÂndale! áÃÂndale! [ Whispers .]
Shit.
Right around the corner here.
These assholes-- - Wow.
- Want some? Come on, Jake.
Get drunk with me.
Trucker's Delight? I'm gonna drop it.
Five, four, three, two-- Okay.
It's really good.
It's like a kiss.
This is, um, out of character.
How irresponsible of me to be so irresponsible.
Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this.
But do you wanna talk about whatever caused this hilarious meltdown? [ Gargles, Gags, Burps .]
What is the point? I mean, I thought I could get out of all this, you know? 'Cause I deserve better.
But they denied my application to finish up my classroom hours.
You know, trying to actually serve this piece-of-shit community.
And you had that letter of recommendation and everything.
This is really tight.
I-- I guess $200,000 worth of education is better spent passing out finger food at Lord Fuckface's going-away party! Okay, easy.
Uh, Drew? Wendell gets to go away.
But not Drew.
Good ol' Nancy Drew.
à [ Speakers: Light Rock .]
Wendell? Sir? I think you should reconsider your position in El Chavo.
[ Scoffs .]
The old way isn't working, Douglas.
I mean, they clearly picked me for my obvious knack for law enforcement and my disdain for due process.
It's the Wild West, and they need a real maverick who knows to shoot first and ask questions later.
But you never even went to the academy.
Some things you just can't learn in the academy.
[ Sighs .]
Uh, what was I saying? Something really drunk.
Oh, I know.
I'm ready to settle.
Oh.
And, Jake-- Jake, you are my settlement.
So let's do this.
Do what? Get married.
Have babies.
Just like Gam Gam wanted.
She was really old and senile and super racist.
She was right.
I mean, not about black people.
No.
Or Israel.
Right.
[ Crying .]
But she was right about me.
No.
No.
Yeah.
Who the fuck do I think I am? I'm ready.
[ Patting Leg .]
Oy.
I'm ready to dive into this abyss with you, Jake.
[ Trainy .]
Have you seen your boyfriend? He looks like a cockroach.
Jesus! [ Trainy Giggling .]
Darren-- Trainy? I gotta go.
You're a social sort of person.
Look, I have-- Fourteen people joined my Facebook event.
And I have 33 maybes.
I clearly posted what time the party started.
So, what the fuck? Yeah, but maybe means no, and yes means maybe.
Which, you'll recall, means no.
How are you supposed to goddamn throw a party? You guys, this is unacceptable.
My family is gonna be here.
This party needs to be great.
Get people here.
I don't care how you do it.
Invite your own friends if you have to.
à [ Slow R & B .]
[ Slurred .]
You wanna put a penis in here, stud? No.
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
That is the least sexy thing I have ever seen a woman do.
Aah.
Ba, ba, ba-ba.
Okay.
Boom! Ba! Ba! Uh, hey, boobs.
Let's see your boobs now.
Come on, Jake.
I'm ready.
Oh, boy.
Take me.
- I'm not really in the mood.
- Well, let's get you in the mood.
And I don't really wanna "take you.
" You wanna finger my wombat? Um-- Flapjack my kitty cat? Now we're talkin'.
Let me decorate your Christmas tree.
[ Vibrates Lips .]
[ Giggles .]
Is that how you think porn stars talk? [ Meows .]
Didn't you always wanna raw dog me? Come here.
"Oh, my name's Jake.
And I can't wear a condom 'cause my dick's too big for the regular ones, but it's too small for the magnums.
" Yes, that is true.
Why can't they just make 'em like T-shirt sizes? I could get it on a whole lot faster.
Boop, boop, beep.
Boop.
Your boner is soft.
Technically, it's not a boner if it's-- Mmm.
Er, er, er, okay.
Mmm.
You taste like skin.
Uh, okay.
Mmm.
I'm, like, drowning in your mouth.
Please, do me, Jake.
Please, please, please.
[ Growls .]
All right, all right.
Okay, if you stop licking my face.
Okay, but I'm not making any promises.
Now, remember, this is not old Drew.
It's new Drew.
New Drew wants it dirty and rough.
[ Barking .]
Ow! The slapping and hair pulling.
Okay.
All that kind of stuff.
Don't be scared, Jake.
Come on.
All right.
Don't be afraid, Jake.
[ Moaning .]
Just let it out, babe.
Ahh.
I can make life very difficult for you cretins.
Worse than it already is? Well, huh, you still have me for one more week.
And I can give you the most degrading assignments imaginable.
Worse than changing urine-soaked sheets at an old folks' home or having to kill adorable puppies? Worse than sifting through trash full of bum turds and used needles and diapers and old shit and unsanitary foodstuffs? Worse than cleaning scary-ass middle school bathrooms while literally being tortured by the kids? - Literally.
- Literally.
God! Fine! You make this happen, and I'll-- I'll wipe out all of your hours before I leave-- all of them! Like a presidential pardon.
Hmm? Deal.
[ Exhales .]
I gotta go freshen up.
[ Laughs .]
- [ Drew .]
Jake! Deeper! - Whoa.
Deeper into the abyss, Jake! Deeper! I can't feel my body.
[ Siren Wailing .]
[ Moaning .]
Oh, cool.
Can we turn those off? It's like a rave! I think I'm having a seizure.
à [ Speakers: Light Rock .]
Hey.
[ Whistles .]
Like that wasn't gonna happen.
[ Moaning .]
Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.
I-- I thought I was the one who was gonna do the hair pulling.
You like that, Jake, huh? You like that? Oh, this is so hot.
I wish you could do this to me all the time.
- Can we stop? - Oh, shut the fuck up, Jake.
Oh! Come to my dark place with me, Jake! Okay, I'm there.
I'm there.
It's happening! What's happening? I'm settling! I'm settling! [ Groans .]
So what's our plan? Because I would seriously rather go to jail than invite any of my friends here.
[ Chuckles .]
Sink all fix.
Wait, wait, wait! Uh-- "Hola.
" You worked so hard with your tools and things.
Why don't you just stay with us and hang out a little bit? Oh, no, no, no.
It's all fix.
No, no, no.
No, not all fix.
Come.
Come here.
Wait.
Uh, sit.
Stay.
I will get you a drink.
What would you like? No, gracias.
All fix.
No hay problema.
No, no all fix.
You "all fix" by staying here.
[ Groans .]
Hagerty, do you speak Mexican? I only know phrases related to buying drugs.
ÿMota? Mota? [ Puffing .]
No.
Dios mÃo.
No, nunca.
Doug, do you speak Mexican? SÃ, sÃ.
What do you want me to say? Okay.
Tell this person that we need him to stay at our party and party.
[ Speaks Spanish .]
[ Speaks Spanish .]
[ Doug .]
SÃ, sÃ.
No problema.
Ah.
Okay, he says thank you.
But, uh, Wendell's building manager has already paid him for his work, and the compensation was fair for the labor.
Oh, my God.
Stupid hardworking Mexicans.
Okay.
Tell him we will pay him money, lots of money, if he invites all his friends.
Go! [ Speaking Spanish .]
He asks how much will you pay him.
Uh-- Uh, hold this.
And these.
Ay, sÃ.
Como no.
He says yes.
[ Trainy .]
Yes! Par-ty.
All right.
I'm ready to do it again.
No! I don't even think I'd survive.
You fucked my eye.
What do you think we should name our baby? "Horrible Accident?" That's not a good name.
Look, let's get you cleaned up, into uniform and plow through this day like any other.
Mm-mmm.
Wendell's knocking off a bunch of hours.
Mmm, I'd like to knock off a bunch of your dicks into my vaginas.
You are a man.
A tough man.
People fear you.
People do not think that you are small or weak or incompetent.
As I was saying, Let's get you into a uniform and plow through this bullshit day.
Mmm, okay.
I'll put on the uniform if you tell me what you'd name our baby.
Jim, after Jim Raynor, the great StarCraft Terran general and defeater of the Zerg Swarm.
I've mentioned this before.
Now, get up.
No! I need a few more minutes here to trap your spermy sperm in my vagina.
Oh, my God.
I am Police Chief Dax Wendell.
- And I will fuck you up! - [ Clicking .]
[ Grunts .]
What'd you say, ese? What? You want some more of that? [ Clicking .]
How do you like that in the legs, huh? Ã [ Latin .]
Wendell! [ Chanting .]
Wendell! Wendell! Wendell! - What is happening right now? - These are your guests.
I filled them all in so they know to pretend to be your friends.
Love Wendell.
[ Laughs .]
[ Cheering .]
Don't you think it might be odd that all of my friends are Mexican immigrants? Do any of these people even speak English? Mmm.
Modesto over there speaks German.
Well, I don't know German.
I'm a proud American.
I don't need to speak other languages.
That's a good attitude for a guy who's taking a job in Mexico.
Tell your family you met these people at the border because of your new job.
This might be a little difficult for you clods to understand, because my family's not as stupid as you, okay? They're gonna see right through this.
What? That you're an asshole, and you don't have any friends? Hey, what the fuck happened to your eye? Wait a minute.
I'm getting an idea here.
Okay.
Everyone here needs to switch clothes.
You idiots will be my friends and the Mexicans will be the caterers.
It's perfect.
[ Coughs .]
Racist.
Extremely racist.
[ Coughs .]
Okay.
That's fine.
That's fine.
Hey, Wendull! It's Wendell, okay? Wendell.
[ Laughs .]
I'm Suri Cruise.
Charmed.
Uh, you're clearly not Suri Cruise, okay? You're Trainy.
And your name is Hagerty.
We're all playing ourselves, okay? Except we work together, you get it? I'm Augustus Winterbottom.
Started a Web site.
A dot-com.
You pay, you see boobs.
Get it? Shut up, okay? Look, uh, you're a drug expert.
Doug, you're a gang counselor.
- Trainy, you're an undercover whore.
- [ Trainy .]
Got it.
Uh, and you, uh-- Let's see.
You can be a counselor too.
You can sell that, right? And, Jake, you're gonna be a, um-- Ooh.
I got it.
He can be my fiancé.
- F.
Y.
I.
We got back together.
We did it in your bed.
- [ Wendell .]
What? And we're having a baby.
That was entrapment, with your boobs all there.
Why are you being so weird? I broke up with you, and now I'm un-breaking up with you.
You should be happy.
You didn't break up with me.
Wait, wait.
You think you broke up with me? We broke up with each other.
Why do you think I want you back? Game faces, people.
Of course you want me back.
It's so obvious.
All of your mean comments and jokes are just you misdirecting your feelings.
I mean, it's an immature coping skill, but whatever.
You still love me.
When it comes down to it, you're always doing things to show you care.
Like helping with my grandmother, standing up for me with those punk kids.
I don't care about anything.
You think I'm a dick.
You're always telling me so.
- What's wrong with you today? - No, no.
You love me and care about me.
I tried to double-cross you at Trash Mountain.
Only after I tried to double-cross you first.
I paid Trainy to give me a beej at the dog pound just to piss you off.
What kind of person does that? You only did that to make me jealous, further proving how much you care.
I'm the reason you didn't get the T.
A.
job.
Hmm.
What are you talking about? I switched your letter of recommendation.
That's why I was in Mrs.
Parker's room already when you all came in with the evil tweens so Hagerty could eat the turtle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What tweens ate what turtle? What the fuck are you guys talking about? I was writing a mean letter about you, threw away the real letter of recommendation, and that's why they didn't hire you for the counseling program.
You sabotaged me? Yes.
'Cause I'm a petty dick who does dick things 'cause he's a dick.
Or did he do it because he does still love Drew and just didn't want to see her out of his life forever? I mean, after all, community service has kept you guys together in a sense.
- [ Screaming .]
- [ Jake .]
No! No! No! Doug! Get her off of him! Get her off of him! Get her out of here! Will you calm down if I let you go? Yes.
Will you? Yes.
I promise I'm calm.
You okay? Are you all right? I've got a fat lip.
- Hey.
Oh, my God.
- [ Electrical Zapping .]
Hey! Hey! Put down that Taser! Put the Taser down! Hey, put down that Taser.
You are not prepared to use that weapon! You're getting your hours back! All of them! This isn't your fight, little man.
[ Screams .]
Sentry force field! Stop talking about StarCraft! Never! [ Screams .]
Oh, God! Oh, God! - [ Whimpers .]
- [ Groans .]
[ Wendell .]
I'll do it! I'll pepper spray you! [ Screams .]
[ Screaming Continues .]
[ Gunshot .]
[ Screaming Stops .]
Everybody calm the fuck down or I'm gonna tear your fuckin' limbs off.
You know, you're the worst people I've ever met in my life.
Trainy and Hagerty, pay these people and send them home.
Neither of you has any clue how to do the simplest thing, because you're too drunk, high or just plain stupid not to fuck it up.
Jake, call Drew a taxi, then leave.
You know, you are both the most selfish, entitled brats who think the world revolves around you.
Why don't you just try staying away from each other? Oh, and, um, no one gives a fuck about StarCraft or your stupid psychology degree.
Wendell, you're not a goddamn police chief! You're barely a parole officer, and you can't even keep these fuckin' idiots in check, much less Mexican drug lords.
You call your boss and you beg for your job back.
[ Sighing .]
That was fuckin' awesome.
[ Jake .]
I think he's right.
Wendell, we don't want you to die.
Don't go to Mexico, and we'll promise to try and do our best to respect you a tiny bit more.
Right, guys? Right.
- Immigration! Immigration! - Get down! [ Man Speaking Spanish .]
[ Man .]
Stay where you are! Follow that guy.
Oh! Mom, Dad, hi.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, no.
No, no! I'm white! I'm an American! Mom! Dad! These are my fucking parents! Look at them! They're white! We're from Ohio for God's sake! Oh, no! On the charges of assault, destruction of property, illegal discharge of a firearm, possession of marijuana and the harboring and employment of undocumented immigrants, you will all be placed on two years of probation, with an additional 2,000 hours of community service.
Or at least fat.
He agreed to be the police chief of El Chavo, Mexico.
- El Chav-o? - El what-o? It's a cartel town on the border.
The last three chiefs have been decapitated.
This is probably how Wendell always dreamed of dying.
You know, as his friends, we should try to talk him out of taking this gig.
Whoa, wait.
We're friends with Wendell? You know, you can joke, but if he dies, you'd be sad.
[ Clicks Tongue .]
Eh.
To Wendell.
May he spend the short remainder of his short existence being an extra-large pain in the ass to someone else.
All right, servants, bring it in.
You're all here for work, not to party down.
This doesn't feel like community service.
What do you care? You're still gettin' hours for this.
Yeah.
Look, you all need to act like professional caterers to impress my guests and to prove to my family that I finally made something of myself.
Uh, what guests? [ Stammering .]
I only invited the cool people.
Cool people show up fashionably late.
God, don't you know anything about parties? Whoo! Whoo! - Mm-mmm! - [ Jake .]
Oh, my God.
[ Slurring .]
Police Chief of Death Wendell.
I know.
Are you drunk? Mmm.
Mmm, I'm sorry.
I'm just getting the party started a little early.
Oh.
Come on.
Why is everyone sittin' around? [ Knocking .]
Oh, it's a guest.
I got it.
I'm the greeter.
No, no.
Absolutely not! No! Ahh! Ahh! Jake, please.
Jake, get her out of here.
Take her to my bedroom.
Sober her up.
I don't care how you do it.
- Why me? - I'll give you an extra hundred hours off.
Done! Okay.
[ Knocking .]
à [ Speakers: Light Rock .]
- Fix sink? - [ Sighs .]
False alarm! It's just the plumber.
áÃÂndale! áÃÂndale! [ Whispers .]
Shit.
Right around the corner here.
These assholes-- - Wow.
- Want some? Come on, Jake.
Get drunk with me.
Trucker's Delight? I'm gonna drop it.
Five, four, three, two-- Okay.
It's really good.
It's like a kiss.
This is, um, out of character.
How irresponsible of me to be so irresponsible.
Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this.
But do you wanna talk about whatever caused this hilarious meltdown? [ Gargles, Gags, Burps .]
What is the point? I mean, I thought I could get out of all this, you know? 'Cause I deserve better.
But they denied my application to finish up my classroom hours.
You know, trying to actually serve this piece-of-shit community.
And you had that letter of recommendation and everything.
This is really tight.
I-- I guess $200,000 worth of education is better spent passing out finger food at Lord Fuckface's going-away party! Okay, easy.
Uh, Drew? Wendell gets to go away.
But not Drew.
Good ol' Nancy Drew.
à [ Speakers: Light Rock .]
Wendell? Sir? I think you should reconsider your position in El Chavo.
[ Scoffs .]
The old way isn't working, Douglas.
I mean, they clearly picked me for my obvious knack for law enforcement and my disdain for due process.
It's the Wild West, and they need a real maverick who knows to shoot first and ask questions later.
But you never even went to the academy.
Some things you just can't learn in the academy.
[ Sighs .]
Uh, what was I saying? Something really drunk.
Oh, I know.
I'm ready to settle.
Oh.
And, Jake-- Jake, you are my settlement.
So let's do this.
Do what? Get married.
Have babies.
Just like Gam Gam wanted.
She was really old and senile and super racist.
She was right.
I mean, not about black people.
No.
Or Israel.
Right.
[ Crying .]
But she was right about me.
No.
No.
Yeah.
Who the fuck do I think I am? I'm ready.
[ Patting Leg .]
Oy.
I'm ready to dive into this abyss with you, Jake.
[ Trainy .]
Have you seen your boyfriend? He looks like a cockroach.
Jesus! [ Trainy Giggling .]
Darren-- Trainy? I gotta go.
You're a social sort of person.
Look, I have-- Fourteen people joined my Facebook event.
And I have 33 maybes.
I clearly posted what time the party started.
So, what the fuck? Yeah, but maybe means no, and yes means maybe.
Which, you'll recall, means no.
How are you supposed to goddamn throw a party? You guys, this is unacceptable.
My family is gonna be here.
This party needs to be great.
Get people here.
I don't care how you do it.
Invite your own friends if you have to.
à [ Slow R & B .]
[ Slurred .]
You wanna put a penis in here, stud? No.
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
That is the least sexy thing I have ever seen a woman do.
Aah.
Ba, ba, ba-ba.
Okay.
Boom! Ba! Ba! Uh, hey, boobs.
Let's see your boobs now.
Come on, Jake.
I'm ready.
Oh, boy.
Take me.
- I'm not really in the mood.
- Well, let's get you in the mood.
And I don't really wanna "take you.
" You wanna finger my wombat? Um-- Flapjack my kitty cat? Now we're talkin'.
Let me decorate your Christmas tree.
[ Vibrates Lips .]
[ Giggles .]
Is that how you think porn stars talk? [ Meows .]
Didn't you always wanna raw dog me? Come here.
"Oh, my name's Jake.
And I can't wear a condom 'cause my dick's too big for the regular ones, but it's too small for the magnums.
" Yes, that is true.
Why can't they just make 'em like T-shirt sizes? I could get it on a whole lot faster.
Boop, boop, beep.
Boop.
Your boner is soft.
Technically, it's not a boner if it's-- Mmm.
Er, er, er, okay.
Mmm.
You taste like skin.
Uh, okay.
Mmm.
I'm, like, drowning in your mouth.
Please, do me, Jake.
Please, please, please.
[ Growls .]
All right, all right.
Okay, if you stop licking my face.
Okay, but I'm not making any promises.
Now, remember, this is not old Drew.
It's new Drew.
New Drew wants it dirty and rough.
[ Barking .]
Ow! The slapping and hair pulling.
Okay.
All that kind of stuff.
Don't be scared, Jake.
Come on.
All right.
Don't be afraid, Jake.
[ Moaning .]
Just let it out, babe.
Ahh.
I can make life very difficult for you cretins.
Worse than it already is? Well, huh, you still have me for one more week.
And I can give you the most degrading assignments imaginable.
Worse than changing urine-soaked sheets at an old folks' home or having to kill adorable puppies? Worse than sifting through trash full of bum turds and used needles and diapers and old shit and unsanitary foodstuffs? Worse than cleaning scary-ass middle school bathrooms while literally being tortured by the kids? - Literally.
- Literally.
God! Fine! You make this happen, and I'll-- I'll wipe out all of your hours before I leave-- all of them! Like a presidential pardon.
Hmm? Deal.
[ Exhales .]
I gotta go freshen up.
[ Laughs .]
- [ Drew .]
Jake! Deeper! - Whoa.
Deeper into the abyss, Jake! Deeper! I can't feel my body.
[ Siren Wailing .]
[ Moaning .]
Oh, cool.
Can we turn those off? It's like a rave! I think I'm having a seizure.
à [ Speakers: Light Rock .]
Hey.
[ Whistles .]
Like that wasn't gonna happen.
[ Moaning .]
Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.
I-- I thought I was the one who was gonna do the hair pulling.
You like that, Jake, huh? You like that? Oh, this is so hot.
I wish you could do this to me all the time.
- Can we stop? - Oh, shut the fuck up, Jake.
Oh! Come to my dark place with me, Jake! Okay, I'm there.
I'm there.
It's happening! What's happening? I'm settling! I'm settling! [ Groans .]
So what's our plan? Because I would seriously rather go to jail than invite any of my friends here.
[ Chuckles .]
Sink all fix.
Wait, wait, wait! Uh-- "Hola.
" You worked so hard with your tools and things.
Why don't you just stay with us and hang out a little bit? Oh, no, no, no.
It's all fix.
No, no, no.
No, not all fix.
Come.
Come here.
Wait.
Uh, sit.
Stay.
I will get you a drink.
What would you like? No, gracias.
All fix.
No hay problema.
No, no all fix.
You "all fix" by staying here.
[ Groans .]
Hagerty, do you speak Mexican? I only know phrases related to buying drugs.
ÿMota? Mota? [ Puffing .]
No.
Dios mÃo.
No, nunca.
Doug, do you speak Mexican? SÃ, sÃ.
What do you want me to say? Okay.
Tell this person that we need him to stay at our party and party.
[ Speaks Spanish .]
[ Speaks Spanish .]
[ Doug .]
SÃ, sÃ.
No problema.
Ah.
Okay, he says thank you.
But, uh, Wendell's building manager has already paid him for his work, and the compensation was fair for the labor.
Oh, my God.
Stupid hardworking Mexicans.
Okay.
Tell him we will pay him money, lots of money, if he invites all his friends.
Go! [ Speaking Spanish .]
He asks how much will you pay him.
Uh-- Uh, hold this.
And these.
Ay, sÃ.
Como no.
He says yes.
[ Trainy .]
Yes! Par-ty.
All right.
I'm ready to do it again.
No! I don't even think I'd survive.
You fucked my eye.
What do you think we should name our baby? "Horrible Accident?" That's not a good name.
Look, let's get you cleaned up, into uniform and plow through this day like any other.
Mm-mmm.
Wendell's knocking off a bunch of hours.
Mmm, I'd like to knock off a bunch of your dicks into my vaginas.
You are a man.
A tough man.
People fear you.
People do not think that you are small or weak or incompetent.
As I was saying, Let's get you into a uniform and plow through this bullshit day.
Mmm, okay.
I'll put on the uniform if you tell me what you'd name our baby.
Jim, after Jim Raynor, the great StarCraft Terran general and defeater of the Zerg Swarm.
I've mentioned this before.
Now, get up.
No! I need a few more minutes here to trap your spermy sperm in my vagina.
Oh, my God.
I am Police Chief Dax Wendell.
- And I will fuck you up! - [ Clicking .]
[ Grunts .]
What'd you say, ese? What? You want some more of that? [ Clicking .]
How do you like that in the legs, huh? Ã [ Latin .]
Wendell! [ Chanting .]
Wendell! Wendell! Wendell! - What is happening right now? - These are your guests.
I filled them all in so they know to pretend to be your friends.
Love Wendell.
[ Laughs .]
[ Cheering .]
Don't you think it might be odd that all of my friends are Mexican immigrants? Do any of these people even speak English? Mmm.
Modesto over there speaks German.
Well, I don't know German.
I'm a proud American.
I don't need to speak other languages.
That's a good attitude for a guy who's taking a job in Mexico.
Tell your family you met these people at the border because of your new job.
This might be a little difficult for you clods to understand, because my family's not as stupid as you, okay? They're gonna see right through this.
What? That you're an asshole, and you don't have any friends? Hey, what the fuck happened to your eye? Wait a minute.
I'm getting an idea here.
Okay.
Everyone here needs to switch clothes.
You idiots will be my friends and the Mexicans will be the caterers.
It's perfect.
[ Coughs .]
Racist.
Extremely racist.
[ Coughs .]
Okay.
That's fine.
That's fine.
Hey, Wendull! It's Wendell, okay? Wendell.
[ Laughs .]
I'm Suri Cruise.
Charmed.
Uh, you're clearly not Suri Cruise, okay? You're Trainy.
And your name is Hagerty.
We're all playing ourselves, okay? Except we work together, you get it? I'm Augustus Winterbottom.
Started a Web site.
A dot-com.
You pay, you see boobs.
Get it? Shut up, okay? Look, uh, you're a drug expert.
Doug, you're a gang counselor.
- Trainy, you're an undercover whore.
- [ Trainy .]
Got it.
Uh, and you, uh-- Let's see.
You can be a counselor too.
You can sell that, right? And, Jake, you're gonna be a, um-- Ooh.
I got it.
He can be my fiancé.
- F.
Y.
I.
We got back together.
We did it in your bed.
- [ Wendell .]
What? And we're having a baby.
That was entrapment, with your boobs all there.
Why are you being so weird? I broke up with you, and now I'm un-breaking up with you.
You should be happy.
You didn't break up with me.
Wait, wait.
You think you broke up with me? We broke up with each other.
Why do you think I want you back? Game faces, people.
Of course you want me back.
It's so obvious.
All of your mean comments and jokes are just you misdirecting your feelings.
I mean, it's an immature coping skill, but whatever.
You still love me.
When it comes down to it, you're always doing things to show you care.
Like helping with my grandmother, standing up for me with those punk kids.
I don't care about anything.
You think I'm a dick.
You're always telling me so.
- What's wrong with you today? - No, no.
You love me and care about me.
I tried to double-cross you at Trash Mountain.
Only after I tried to double-cross you first.
I paid Trainy to give me a beej at the dog pound just to piss you off.
What kind of person does that? You only did that to make me jealous, further proving how much you care.
I'm the reason you didn't get the T.
A.
job.
Hmm.
What are you talking about? I switched your letter of recommendation.
That's why I was in Mrs.
Parker's room already when you all came in with the evil tweens so Hagerty could eat the turtle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What tweens ate what turtle? What the fuck are you guys talking about? I was writing a mean letter about you, threw away the real letter of recommendation, and that's why they didn't hire you for the counseling program.
You sabotaged me? Yes.
'Cause I'm a petty dick who does dick things 'cause he's a dick.
Or did he do it because he does still love Drew and just didn't want to see her out of his life forever? I mean, after all, community service has kept you guys together in a sense.
- [ Screaming .]
- [ Jake .]
No! No! No! Doug! Get her off of him! Get her off of him! Get her out of here! Will you calm down if I let you go? Yes.
Will you? Yes.
I promise I'm calm.
You okay? Are you all right? I've got a fat lip.
- Hey.
Oh, my God.
- [ Electrical Zapping .]
Hey! Hey! Put down that Taser! Put the Taser down! Hey, put down that Taser.
You are not prepared to use that weapon! You're getting your hours back! All of them! This isn't your fight, little man.
[ Screams .]
Sentry force field! Stop talking about StarCraft! Never! [ Screams .]
Oh, God! Oh, God! - [ Whimpers .]
- [ Groans .]
[ Wendell .]
I'll do it! I'll pepper spray you! [ Screams .]
[ Screaming Continues .]
[ Gunshot .]
[ Screaming Stops .]
Everybody calm the fuck down or I'm gonna tear your fuckin' limbs off.
You know, you're the worst people I've ever met in my life.
Trainy and Hagerty, pay these people and send them home.
Neither of you has any clue how to do the simplest thing, because you're too drunk, high or just plain stupid not to fuck it up.
Jake, call Drew a taxi, then leave.
You know, you are both the most selfish, entitled brats who think the world revolves around you.
Why don't you just try staying away from each other? Oh, and, um, no one gives a fuck about StarCraft or your stupid psychology degree.
Wendell, you're not a goddamn police chief! You're barely a parole officer, and you can't even keep these fuckin' idiots in check, much less Mexican drug lords.
You call your boss and you beg for your job back.
[ Sighing .]
That was fuckin' awesome.
[ Jake .]
I think he's right.
Wendell, we don't want you to die.
Don't go to Mexico, and we'll promise to try and do our best to respect you a tiny bit more.
Right, guys? Right.
- Immigration! Immigration! - Get down! [ Man Speaking Spanish .]
[ Man .]
Stay where you are! Follow that guy.
Oh! Mom, Dad, hi.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, no.
No, no! I'm white! I'm an American! Mom! Dad! These are my fucking parents! Look at them! They're white! We're from Ohio for God's sake! Oh, no! On the charges of assault, destruction of property, illegal discharge of a firearm, possession of marijuana and the harboring and employment of undocumented immigrants, you will all be placed on two years of probation, with an additional 2,000 hours of community service.