Bad Teacher (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

Daddy Issues

Wait, Bron-Bron, does Chris Keith know you exist yet? - No, but I think he senses me.
- Have you tried dropping a pencil in front of him like I taught you? I think that's too adult.
No, it's only adult if you pick it up with no hands.
I can pick up a pencil with one foot and then sharpen it with the other.
And you don't have a boyfriend? I know, right? I think you need to try Internet dating.
I don't know, my sister had a really bad experience.
They matched her up with, like, a 300-pound guy.
Why would an Internet dating site hook her up with a guy that's so much smaller than her? Oh, there's my dad.
It's his weekend with me.
- See you next week.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Bye.
Why does Bronwen's dad look so familiar? He sells fancy houses to rich people.
His face is on billboards and park benches all over town.
He's Million Dollar Mike? I've sat on his face a bunch of times! I left my violin inside.
But look, my dad got me this cute bag.
He had to cancel our weekend away and felt bad.
Okay, girls, hit me with a quick one.
- Thanks.
- Hey! Hi.
Disregard the lollipop; it's an oral fixation.
- Wow.
- You must be Bronwen's daddy.
I have heard so much about you.
But nothing about how handsome you are in person.
And you must be Bronwen's teacher, Ms.
, uh Ms.
But it's, uh, Meredith to you.
Meredith, oh, she braids your hair.
I was under the impression that you were a student.
And I'm under the impression you're taking me to dinner Monday.
I'm gonna take you out to dinner Monday? I mean, I hardly know you.
But I would love to.
Well, that would, uh, that would be fun, uh just a heads up, since the divorce, Bronwen has to approve of any girl that I date.
You know, she's a daddy's girl, so that's one rule I can't break no matter how fast you get to the center of that - Tootsie Pop.
- Well, don't worry, Bronwen and I are in Safety Patrol together and we're very good friends.
I mean, if I had to have a sister, and she had to be brunette, I would want it to be Bronwen.
We're that close.
Well, if she says yes, you can get my number off of any billboard or park bench.
- I'm just kidding.
- Oh.
I'm actually not kidding.
You can get my number off of any billboard or park bench.
So I'll just keep my fingers crossed.
- Bye, Meredith.
- Bye, honey.
I'll see you on Monday.
And I'll see you on Monday night.
Now you know how to use it.
Good news, everyone! The superintendent has just informed me that it is time for our yearly locker inspections.
I'm not in love with this responsibility, but since my divorce, I'm trying to remain positive.
Trying to see that glass as half full.
Which it rarely is, as my roommate Ron finishes my sodas when I doze off.
But it's all good! It's all good.
A grown man with a roommate is so Awesome.
Right? So I've been too nervous to pull the trigger on Internet dating.
But then Meredith inspired me.
So, I just asked my friends at the Ferret Club for a good site, and they suggested JustSomebody.
And I I filled in my name and sex and I was done.
That's all the information you need to find a match? Yeah.
Just somebody that doesn't ask a lot of questions.
And they don't match so much as they "locate" others.
You know, I guess that's their tagline anyway.
So, my first date is tomorrow night, and he is described as: male.
Ooh I would never date online.
Too dangerous.
One minute you're meeting a guy for U Peel 'Em Shrimp, and the next thing you know, you're wrapped up in jumper cables, trying to open a car trunk from the inside.
- Oh.
- I'm just saying, you should write your contact info on your arm.
That way the police will be able to quickly identify your body.
Okay, Kim, if you don't mind, I'd like to start with your locker, as it's already open.
Sure, but be careful opening it, because I keep a lot of stuff You're not even supposed to have a locker in the teachers' lounge.
You are a student teacher.
Your locker should be with the students.
But I'm an adult.
It's okay.
I'm used to messes.
My roommate Ron is a hoarder.
So I will just consider this locker more than half full.
Because it's all good.
It is all good.
Oh, Bron-Bron I have huge news.
What is the greatest thing that you could ever possibly imagine happening in your whole life and then times it by three? I am considering dating your dad.
I know.
Let it sink in.
Get over the shock.
And then hug me.
Not a hugger, I get it! So when I spoke to your dad, he said that I would need your approval to date him.
Which is hilarious because obviously, as bestie FFs, I already know your answer.
It's a formality thing.
Sorry, but it would be weird having my teacher date my dad.
But I'm your friend before I'm your teacher.
I mean, who taught you how to do that pencil trick? And I was even gonna come to your stupid music thing on Friday, pending my availability.
I think it will be better if you don't date my dad.
That's so weird for a second I thought she said don't date her dad.
Hey, Irene, what's up? Uh, I need your help.
I finally filled out my online dating profile and I have my first date tomorrow at lunch.
His profile name is TvWatcher359.
Apparently I was not a match with TvWatcher one through 358.
But you don't seem too excited.
Well, Ginny told me that online dating is dangerous and that I should go to Sears and get my portrait done so that I have a cute picture for the "In Memoriam" section of next year's yearbook.
You know what? She's just being dramatic.
Okay, but maybe you could just teach me some self-defense moves just in case.
You know, I do a little online dating, right? And I I haven't murdered or tried to murder once.
You just gotta stay alert and be aware of your surroundings.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I can do that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Joel.
All right.
- No problem.
You know what, buddy? On second thought, maybe I'll tag along just to be extra safe.
Good idea.
Bronwen, here's the thing that I love about our friendship: We don't just have problems, we fix problems.
And me being your teacher is a fixable problem.
Principal Carl Just a sec, I'm trying to loosen up this towel, which is petrified, so it'll fit in the garbage.
All part of the J-O-B.
Now, what can I do you for? I was thinking that Bronwen over here might be limited in sixth grade, and it might be a good idea to promote her to seventh.
She gets straight As.
She knows more than everyone in the class.
Even more than me sometimes.
I mean, I know more than her like, she's stupid compared to me but smart for her class.
So, what do you say? Well uh it doesn't happen that often, but I guess I could look into it.
That would be so great.
- All right.
- Okay.
Bron-Bron, isn't that amazing? You get to go to seventh grade, I get to date your dad.
It's win-win.
I am dizzy in the head on that one.
Where should we get our Christmas card picture taken? I'm feeling something tropical.
I want to stay in my grade with my friends.
- I'll promote your friends.
- You're not understanding.
I am understanding.
I am bending over backwards to date your dad and not in the fun way.
I'll explain it later.
Can you think for one second how fun it would be for us if I dated your dad? We could be even better besties What I want is for you not to date my dad! But why not? You know me.
I don't want you to date him because I know you.
I know you date guys for their money and I know that's why you're into my dad.
Come on we're friends.
Then, if we're really friends, you'll respect my decision even if you don't like it.
I'm so proud of Irene for going on this date.
I just can't believe a good friend would deny me dating her dad.
Does Bronwen really think if I dated him that I wouldn't be thinking about her, too? That I'm that self-centered? Does it seem weird that Irene's date hasn't shown up yet? I mean, he's like 30 minutes late.
I'm not self-centered.
If anything, I'm other-people-centered.
Irene, I I hate to say this, but TvWatcher359 may not be coming.
Oh, but I planned all these great conversation topics of things we have in common.
Internet access, the ability to speak English.
Ah okay.
But, um, hey.
I I would love to eat with you.
You know, just the two of us having a nice lunch outside.
All right.
Now I'm going to teach you about Indians.
When the Americans first came to the States, the Indians were living there.
And the two groups quickly became best friends.
But the Indians wanted to keep all of the land to themselves.
And, yes, maybe the land was rich in nutrients, but that didn't have to be the only reason the Americans wanted the land.
And the Indians really should have known that being besties.
But instead they just flat-out betrayed the gentle, kind and super hot Americans.
Now, has, um, anyone learned from the Indians' mistakes? But the Indians were right.
The Americans were wrong.
Well, I think the history books would disagree with you on that.
Have you even read the history books? I am the history books! And you've left me no choice.
When I was cleaning yesterday, I found this very personal note from you, Bronwen.
You, uh, want me to read it? - I'd love it.
- You sure? - Dead sure.
- Okay.
It is to Chris Keith.
And it says: "Hi Chris, it's Bronwen.
I have a crush on you.
Wanna go out on a date? Gotta go, I'm having my period.
" Hmm, that's funny.
I don't remember writing the note on the back of a receipt for Spanx.
Mm, but it ended up being pretty fun, actually.
I talked about fantasy novels and Joel talked about fantasy football.
Ironically, they both have a character named Ladarius.
It was cool.
It was like, as soon as I said my date wasn't gonna show up, he asked me to have lunch with him.
- Maybe he's into you.
- Kim! Well, how did you leave things at the end of lunch? Well, he put the leftover food in his baseball cap and then he said, "Let's hang out again.
" He is definitely into you.
Friends never want to hang out again.
Right? Well, Joel's just lucky that my real date didn't show up.
Was he lucky? Or did he ask you out pretending to be somebody else? Maybe he You've Got Mailed you.
He You've Got Mailed me? He You've Got Mailed you.
I got You've Got Mailed? You got You've Got Mailed! You've got to be kidding me.
Whose locker is this? I'm getting Chinese food juice all over my pants.
Uh, I have a Tide Stick in my moped.
I'm fine, Kim.
Do I need just a little bit of encouragement? Abso-tootly.
This job is thankless.
But I own it.
Unlike my apartment, which is Ron's.
For the love of God, I have a master's degree! Hi.
Thank you so much.
Good luck with the test on Friday.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Oh, hold up, little guy.
Here you go.
It's a buyer's market.
The APR has never been lower.
A carpenter has his hammer.
I have magnets with my face on them.
So So I I got your message and I'm thrilled that you called.
But I'm hoping everything's okay.
Well, that depends.
It's about my number one student, Bronwen.
Can I get you anything? A glass of wine? Scotch? You keep alcohol here in the classroom? Of course not.
Mike, I asked you here today because I'm very concerned about Bronwen.
As you know, I I care very much for her, and I'm worried that she has some pretty serious issues with you finding love.
I am so sorry.
I really want to enjoy this, but your heel is digging into my thigh.
- Oh, sorry.
- Might have broken some skin.
Look, I understand where she's coming from.
If I were her, I would want to keep you all to myself, too.
I would just want to pull you in, hold you tight, trim your sideburns and never let you go.
But it's not healthy.
She's the kid.
You're the dad.
- Maybe you're right.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I should trim my sideburns.
But then I'd have to change the the benches and the magnets, and that would be a big hassle.
Oh, hey, sweetheart! Hi.
What are you doing here, Meredith? Oh, I'm just hanging with your dad.
Honey, Meredith really put things in perspective.
I think we both need to be more open with how Daddy dates.
Mmm, that's such a good point.
- Well, you made it.
- Oh, I did.
This is gonna be so good for us.
Because then I can teach you after school, too.
Like I never finished that lesson about the Indians.
When the Indians told the Americans they couldn't have any of their land, the Americans took the land anyway.
So get in here, you! Come on! Hurry! We want to take you for ice cream.
Come on See? Kind of pays off not having boobs.
One big, happy family.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
I figured out what you did.
You are TvWatcher359.
No Shh.
It's okay.
You You've Got Mailed me, and I think it's cute.
- I I wish I could take credit - That makes me feel so much better.
You know, I haven't been in a relationship since I got dumped at an Earth, Wind & Fire reunion concert.
Actually, it was just Fire 'cause Earth and Wind got in a fender bender on the way to the fair.
But I am so happy that it was you and that I didn't get stood up again.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, all the way.
Looking for sex online, you know? I get it.
I know I'm your type: smart, skinny, the slightest hint of spinal curvature.
Men love curves.
And don't get me wrong.
I mean, we would be fierce lovers.
But we've been friends a long time, Joel, and I think it would be a mistake to ruin it.
Plus, I have a very strict don't-poop-where-you-eat policy.
I learned that from my ferrets.
This is tough, but I understand.
How'd you come up with the name TvWatcher359 anyway? Great question.
Um, I 'Cause I have a TV and I watch it, you know? And then, um, my I was born on March I know it's weird that your teacher is dating your dad.
But you're more mature than a lot of adults I know.
So we're gonna get through this, and we're gonna be even better friends in the end.
Also, you're so pretty and skinny.
- Are we okay? - Yeah.
When all is said and done, if anybody's gonna date my dad, I guess I'm glad it's you.
Thank you.
Me, too.
Learn from me, Lily.
It is going so well.
We're going away for the weekend, staying at a five-star resort on the water.
Wait, you guys are going away this weekend? Yeah.
Friday after school.
You want me to nick you some soap? This is why Bronwen didn't want you to date her dad.
He's gonna miss our violin recital, like he misses everything.
That's why Bronwen has so much nice stuff.
He buys her things instead of showing up.
But in a bad way? Yes.
She wants him there.
That's why she doesn't approve of anybody dating her dad.
She barely sees him as it is.
- But in a ba - Yes! - In a bad way! - Okay.
"Dear Principal Carl, you are an amazing leader.
" "I appreciate your dedication, and I hope I can be just like you when I get out of school.
" Oh, boy.
That's a good punch there.
Carl Maurice Gaines, you are appreciated.
I got an e-mail from TvWatcher359.
You so, you got my e-mail.
Um what did I Don't worry.
It was from the real one.
Apparently, he got stuck on a business trip.
But thank you for being so nice.
No problem.
Well, we we rescheduled the date.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
I just got to wire him some money so that he can get back to America.
Wait, stop.
D don't do that! Guess my dad's not coming.
Hey, hey.
I, uh, brought you a vintage bottle of champagne and some pencils so you can show me that trick you were talking about.
How about after the recital? Well, we got to head to the hotel.
Traffic's gonna be bad.
I don't want to miss the, uh, couples massage that I booked before our ten-course tasting menu.
It's PETA-friendly but barely.
That sounds so good, but, you know, I wouldn't mind skipping the massage for Bronwen's recital.
So why don't we just go to the recital.
Then we'll go to the hotel.
I'll be okay with only eight courses for dinner.
Oh, I left her a pair of diamond earrings on her chair, so she's cool.
She's not gonna care.
Of course she's gonna care.
Wait, how many carats were the earrings? Uh, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
- She wants you there.
- Relax, there's gonna be plenty of recitals.
Yeah, but she's been practicing like crazy for this recital.
She thought you were gonna be there.
And I don't want to be the reason that you're not.
- You should be there.
- Wow, I thought we had a connection, but you're starting to sound an awful lot like my, uh, ex-wife.
Is that ? That's funny.
Well, maybe she was right.
You know, I teach here, so I see a lot of duds, and Bronwen is not one of them.
Which is why I am not gonna go away with you this weekend.
And, um and I'm not gonna date you either.
And, frankly, you shouldn't be dating anybody until you figure out how to make Bronwen your number one top priority because there's nothing more important.
Roman, come get this stuff off of this American sports car.
Roman, don't scratch it.
Just wanted to let you know I dumped your dad.
What? He's not rich enough for me.
He has way too much baggage, that baggage being you.
You guys, stop talking to me.
You have a concert.
Go get 'em, girls.
That's my girl playing the violin right there.
It's a buyer's market right now.
What are you doing here? Looking for some rich dads to shake down? No, I'm just here supporting the students I love and their artistic endeavors.
They suck.
I'm going out for a smoke.