Bad Teacher (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

I was told I could have another big pancake or two silver dollar ones.
Yes, Mr.
Pilaf.
But, unfortunately, we are running short on butter so it is one pat per person.
Hey, Joel.
I'm late because my ex-wife called me on my way to work and it is really hard to talk on my bike.
Carla called? What'd she say? Well, she's looking for a house-sitter because she and her new boyfriend, Carl, want to go to her high school reunion.
Which is also my high school reunion.
But now I won't be going, since I'll be house-sitting.
Wait, what? N-No.
Why didn't you stand up to her, you know, and tell her no? I tried, but it's really hard.
It's like she has this power over me.
- Here you go.
- Irene! You brought me two coffees.
- Yay! - Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, you look tired.
You know what? Why don't you have one? Oh.
Thanks.
Such a good friend.
I know.
(clears throat) Good morning, teachers, and thank you for coming to this breakfast even though it takes time away from our families, or in my case, the family of possums living in my carport.
Here is some good news.
An evaluator from the district is coming at the end of the week to assess everyone's performance.
(teachers murmuring) Doug Pilaf, math department.
Why is that good news? Doug, I know your name.
You've worked here for over 15 years.
And it is good news because it is an opportunity for us to convince the school board not to cut our budget.
Well, the science department can't take any more cuts.
We've been dissecting the same frog for, like, two years.
And Meredith has been teaching the same lesson plan for two months.
(CARL) Well, we just have to do a good job.
And to do that, we gotta be prepared.
So I will be sitting in on your classes today to help identify any weaknesses.
Now, along with the usual criteria, this year, there is a new category: "student engagement.
" We all know how difficult it is to keep kids interested, living in this fast-paced, flip-phone, DVD world.
This touchy-feely stuff is crazy.
I was taught by a nun with a yardstick, and I turned out great.
Yeah, she probably taught you everything you know about sex, too, right? But what if the evaluations are bad? Calm down.
There is no need to get worried.
Unless the school board has to cut our budget and start firing teachers.
Which is likely.
What? Guys, relax.
I'm sure, if you get fired, there's, like, a fancy severance package or, like, a golden parachutey thing like the CEOs.
It's probably better.
(Carl clears throat) Nope.
What? Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Nah-nah, nah-nah I am a fascination I'm here to blow your mind I'll give 'em education Give me the wine and dine Hey! Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! (MAN) Yo! Want to cook? He's coming.
Principal Carl's coming.
Okay if you guys are good for Principal Carl, that is 50 Nixon Bucks for each of you.
Okay? You can use it at the school store and you can get, you know, whatever you kids want.
What do you kids want? Are my parents to get back together.
Hum.
Let's talk after class.
'Cause maybe I can counsel your dad.
Uh, guys, that board is not gonna move itself.
(clears throat) Vic here's 100 for you.
You know what to do.
And we're excited And that last bit of knowledge is why America is the greatest country in the world.
Because your dreams can fly higher than a bald eagle and your goals can soar above the heroes of Mount Rushmore.
Stop.
(chuckling) Oh, my God.
Principal Carl! I am so embarrassed.
I had just no idea you would be here at this exact moment.
Anyway, we are just having a totally normal class.
And Victor was just about to discuss our next chapter.
One of the greatest frustrations for the American colonies was taxation by the British.
So, is he teaching class? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's something I read about in Good Teacher magazine.
What's the technique called? It's called the Student Mm-hmm.
"Makes the Learning Happen "" Mm-hmm.
(MEREDITH) Irene! I have been looking for you everywhere.
Can you cover my class this afternoon? I have so many papers to grade.
And I just get better work done at the spa.
It's so quiet there.
Oh, yeah.
It's my off period anyway, so - Great.
- (IRENE) You know, I haven't heard from you yet on that Evite for my sister's birthday party.
You do not want to miss it.
Says she's getting out of bed this year.
Yeah, I'm still figuring out my schedule.
And my car is in the shop, and Oh, speaking of which, can you give me a ride to school tomorrow? - No problem.
- Okay, great.
Um we love Meredith, but your relationship with her seems unfair.
I don't understand.
What are you saying? Does she ever bring you breakfast? Or give you rides? Or have you over to her place? Oh, yeah, well, I was just over there for a hand laundry and ironing party.
Good thing I was, too, or nobody would have shown up.
Oh okay.
Okay.
Hey, the day's almost over.
You gonna make it to the gym, give me a little pre-evaluation feedback? Nope.
Just make sure the dodge balls are inflated and nobody's bleeding.
You'll do just fine.
Well, I mean, physical education is-is more than that.
And you know I've been petitioning to get raises for the coaches - so that we can do a lot - Joel.
The kids love gym.
But let's not overstate its value.
You're kind of like a glorified recess supervisor, except recess supervisors make more money.
Well, I know, that's why I'm fighting Joel.
I failed one class in my life.
That was gym.
Because I couldn't climb a dumb rope.
But who cares? I still went to Stanford.
Still have my dream job and my student loans.
But in six years, I will be free and clear of the interest.
The point is this: Gym is the least of my concerns.
Now, keep up the good work.
(sighs) Whatever you're doing better be school-related.
It is, unlike all those "missing cat" fliers you printed last week.
Not only did I never find Noodles, but thanks to you, the last image I have of her was a black-and-white photocopy with a red penis drawn on it.
Oh, I'm guessing that was the first penis you'd seen in a long time, huh? Good luck with district evaluations.
You've heard the expression "last in, first out," right? Only in regards to threesomes.
What do you got there? What, you're counterfeiting Nixon Bucks? Are you bribing the students? - Geez.
- "Bribing" is such an ugly word.
But yeah, I am.
(scoffs) Have you ever heard of the phrase "last in, first out"? Yeah.
It means, like, the first person fired is usually the most "last recent person hired.
Good afternoon.
I just finished my classroom visits, and I am not gonna lie to you.
I am nervous.
But hopefully, you'll all rally to save your jobs.
Everyone was a little weak, with one exception.
Meredith Davis.
Congratulations.
What? Meredith? Thank you.
Oh! (scattered applause) Principal Carl, I have always had the highest evaluations.
I have been Teacher of the Year for nine years running.
I don't mean to add to the awkwardness, Ginny, but due to the new criteria, you had the lowest rating.
Oh, God.
(CARL) You're an amazing teacher, but you're just not holding their interest.
But I have an idea.
Meredith? What would you think about sitting in on Ginny's history class? Giving her some pointers, how to liven things up? Well well, gosh, I'd be honored.
Thank you for that.
I would just love to help out my lowest-achieving, most under-performing, worst colleague be a little bit less awful.
You know maybe the last one in pushes the first one out.
(IRENE) I'm sorry for the mess.
Haven't had a passenger in a while.
At least not a two-legged one.
Hum, where's my coffee? Okay, I wanted to talk to you about something, Meredith.
You know how intestinal helminths siphon blood and nutrients from their host organisms? I'd be following this a lot closer if I had coffee.
Okay, do you know what a parasite is? Parasites are not just hookworms, flukes or barnacles.
I mean, any species can be a parasite.
Even humans.
Do you have anything to eat in here? But other organisms, like undersea tube worms, or like digestive bacteria, for example, those have symbiotic relationships.
Where they both buy each other coffee.
Meredith, do you understand what I'm saying? (gasps) Yes! Oh.
Great.
I found something.
Yeah Okay.
So I know it's not your thing, but I want to go to this exhibit where you see dead bodies in motion.
Oh, I'm still totally trying to figure out my schedule, so Okay.
No, you're not.
And it's what I want to do.
After school, today, with you.
Fine.
But next week after school, I want to go to traffic court with you as my witness.
I need you to say that I was not blocking that driveway, and that that fire truck could have easily gone around me.
Okay.
It's a symbiotic deal.
Great.
After years of war, starvation and sickness, the South surrendered, bringing a decisive end to (exaggerated snoring) Excuse me.
You think a war that divided our nation and pitted brother against brother is boring? The way you're teaching it.
Well, I'm not gonna take teaching advice from a woman who taught her class that President Garfield loved lasagna.
Can you prove that he didn't? I don't know what your problem is with me.
I don't know what your problem is with me.
(school bell ringing) Dismissed! And how are things going in here? I can't help her.
She's too uptight.
I'm too uptight? Well, you're too down-loose! I-I mean, you're loose down there.
Okay.
Well, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
No, it's a great idea 'cause now I can take over her class when she gets fired.
Principal Carl, do you see what I have been putting up with? (snoring) And she keeps making those noises! Actually, I think that was Kim.
(snores) Kim! (JOEL) All right, come on, guys, come on! Pull! You got this! Pull! (grunts) Oh, almost! I really thought you were gonna get me that time.
All right, back up.
Come on.
Okay, Joel.
I get it.
You're an inspiration to us all.
Is that why you called me here? Because I have things to do and this place smells like the inside of my old Malcolm X cap.
I got something for you.
I found the old P.
E.
rope and hung it up.
Well, I had the janitor hang it up, but I told him where to put it.
Now I'm gonna teach you how to get up that rope.
Yeah, but I can't climb.
That's why I failed gym.
I can get you up that rope.
Yeah, but I don't want to get up that rope.
I am fine.
Are you fine? You fine, Carl? 'Cause, um, you're house-sitting for your ex, right? What does house-sitting have to do with climbing a rope? Carl, why do people run marathons? It's not for the blue toenails and the bloody nipples, right? It's to prove to themselves that they can accomplish something that seems impossible.
Like saying no to Carla.
You don't understand.
I can't say no to her.
She was my life! Carl, my job is to inspire kids.
Or adults who are scared to do kid things.
I take my job very seriously.
Now, get up that rope! Come on! I can't! Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
And Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln! (student coughing) That was engaging, right? (gasps) Victor, good job.
Your handwriting's so much less girly.
I've been trying.
Yeah? Proud of you! What do you want? Oh, you're giving a test.
Never mind.
Hmm.
What, are yo spying on me now? No.
Just forget it, okay? Well, if you're not spying on me, then what are you doing? You'll just make fun of me.
Probably.
Go on.
I don't like you.
Feeling is mutual.
But you are good with the students.
Yeah, I know.
I'm worried about the evaluations.
And? I need your help.
Why would I help you? Well, how does a free drink sound? Like the most exciting night of your life and the most boring night of mine.
But maybe you're actually tolerable when you're drunk.
So, okay.
What are the balloons for? Oh, so Meredith and I can find each other at the museum in case we get separated.
Like at that beach clean-up trip when she ended up on that rich guy's boat.
That was a close one.
Well, I saw Meredith go over to Juanita's with Ms.
Taylor-Clapp.
Yeah, but we're supposed to be seeing dead bodies together.
Whoa, who knew that you would be able to keep up with me? Well, there's a lot you don't know about me.
Did you know that I like tight ponytails and cardigan sweaters? Those are literally the only things I know about you.
Okay, so, what do you want to know about teaching? Well, how do you "engage the kids"? I bribe 'em.
(laughs) What? I know that I'm really good at talking to the kids.
Like, maybe even a genius at it.
You know, I never expected to be anything other than an exceptionally hot woman with universal sex appeal, and I certainly never expected to be even remotely good at teaching.
But look at me.
Here I am teaching you.
(both laugh) (GINNY) Yes, you are! (MEREDITH) And actually, I really think that I'm gonna kill at these evaluations tomorrow.
And thank God, right? Because it's so scary that just one bad review could cost you your job, you know? (GINNY) I know.
Another round? Anothers round.
Mm-hmm! Same thing? Vodka soda with lime and a water with lime.
CARL (over P.
A.
) Good morning, Nixon Quakers! Just a reminder, today is evaluation day.
So, hopefully, everyone's at their very Nixon best.
(sighs) Oh, crap.
Okay, so I think we better start without Meredith.
Hopefully, she was just in a car accident.
So, the evaluator arrived a few minutes ago, and he has informed me that we will have our scores by the end of the day.
So good luck, everyone.
No luck needed, Principal Carl.
All right.
Your ex-wife called, and she asked that while you're house-sitting, that you sleep on the pull-out couch, but don't pull it out 'cause it leaves marks on the carpet.
Got it.
Do you want me to get her on the phone for you? Not yet.
Coach Kotsky get me up that rope.
(clears throat) Oh, my God, Irene, thank God.
Is that for me? I saw you with Ginny.
- She needed me.
- I needed you! They don't let singles into the dead body exhibit for obvious reasons.
Okay, well, I meant to text you that I was "coming down with something," and then she and I got so drunk, I just forgot.
Really? Ginny doesn't even drink.
Wait what? Yeah, not even champagne.
She celebrates stuff with corked milk.
That sneaky bitch must have been ordering herself waters! We cannot let her win.
Irene, you have to help me.
You know, I didn't want to believe it, but you are a parasite.
Yo, Pfaff! Can you, um, tell me when that evaluator guy is coming? I will make it worth your while.
Those things are worthless now.
There was a hyperinflation at the school store, and Shh! I get it, I get it.
(knocking) Ms.
Davis? (chuckles) You must be the evaluator.
Well, I just didn't realize how sexy you would be.
I'm Mr.
Bright, the district supervisor, and I'm completely aware that my looks are average.
Uh-uh.
That's okay.
I know you must be thinking, "District supervisor.
"Kind of like a superhero.
A little intimidating.
" Well, just relax.
I'm-I'm a regular guy, believe it or not.
And I'm here to watch a regular class.
Great.
So happy to have you.
Welcome.
We're gonna get started with this thing I do where a student teaches the class.
You're gonna love it.
Victor, floor is yours.
Today, I will talk about why the American colonies declared independence.
Oh, okay, young man, have a seat.
Ms.
Davis, I can't do my job unless you're the one doing the teaching.
(laughs) You're funny.
It wasn't a joke.
You'll know when I'm joking.
You'll be in stitches.
Sorry, was that a joke? I'm gonna need you to teach this class now.
Joel, this is impossible! I'm too high! No, come on, Carl! You got this, baby! Keep going! Oh, I can't! Oh, I quit! Oh, no, no, no! Remember, it's just scoop and stomp! Scoop, okay? And stomp.
Then you stand.
Scoop and stomp, all right? You got this.
Come on.
Look up there, Carl.
What do you see? A wasp nest? No, freedom.
Now, climb up there and grab it.
Just watch out for the wasps because, you know, Coach Donnie sold our first-aid kit.
Okay.
Well, so, basically, like, long story short, the American colonies were paying all these taxes to the king and getting nothing in return.
Like, nothing at all.
Like, zilch.
Okay, I think we get it.
Would you please move on? Sure, yeah-yeah.
No, I was just about to get to the next point, which was that that the king was like, "Uh-uh, denied! No way, Jose.
" (chuckles) So, Mr.
Evaluator, it was, like, a pretty sucky time for the colonists.
Um Oh, because the king was a parasite.
You know, something that lives off another thing? The king was like a hookworm on the intestine of America.
And the colonists were, like, totally right to want to declare independence, you know? Because all they really wanted was a symbiotic relationship.
Can you name another parasite? Illegal immigrants.
(laughs) What?! He's joking.
He's joke he's joking.
(Carl grunts loudly) Stand up! Yeah! I'm doing it! I am doing it! See? This is why I do this.
This is what I wanted you to evaluate.
I get it.
I do.
Physical education does matter, right? Hoops have nets.
Good enough.
(stammering) Oh, come on.
Really? Okay, all right, I'm calling Carla.
I got here voice mail.
Leave a message.
Hello, Carla? This is Carl.
I'm calling to tell you to get yourself a new house-sitter.
And dog-sitter.
I'm busy with my new life.
I climb ropes now.
Okay, now, get on down here so we can celebrate! Come on! Oh! (kids gasp) Ladies and gentlemen, the district evaluator's results are in, and Nixon Middle needs improvement! Your jobs are safe! (teachers laugh) Doug Pilaf, math department.
What about the budget cuts? I just heard from the superintendent, and they're still making cuts.
They're getting rid of the art program at LBJ Middle! (laughter, cheering) (laughing) Those smug bastards! Yeah! Meredith, uh I really liked your parasites lecture.
Oh, thanks.
And, you know, if you want to go see dead bodies, like, we can.
Oh, no, no.
It was it was just more about spending time together.
Dead bodies, just a bonus.
Oh, look.
How was your water last night? I didn't force you to drink so much vodka or to make out with that poster of "The Most Interesting Man in the World.
" No, you didn't, but you did try to sabotage my evaluation.
Which means you were scared I was gonna do better than you.
Which means someone thinks I'm a good teacher.
No, I don't.
Boom! (hushed) I do.
Kim! This is definitely the best hand laundry and ironing party you have ever had.
I know.
Irene, you were so right.
This is so much more fun being equals.
(clears throat) Refill? Don't mind if I do.