Bad Teacher (2013) s01e04 Episode Script


1 BARISTA: Triple espresso for Jorgenson.
Oh! God BARISTA: Red-eye frappaccino for Darius.
Americano for Sean.
Oh, I I think that's mine.
Oh, relax, coffee police.
- See? "Sean.
" - Oh.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Mistakes happen.
Yeah, they do.
Sometimes in the backseat of cars.
(LAUGHS) Americano for Martin.
It's an alias.
- Mm.
- Yeah, I don't like just any guy knowing my name.
It's Meredith.
It's really nice to meet you.
That's your car? Now I really wish I had a backseat.
Oh! Me, too.
If you happen to find one, give me a call.
I will.
See you soon, Martin.
Wait! Wait! My phone number! Ah, there's my coffee.
Karma's a bitch.
Oh, come on! I was late.
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! Okay, class, today, we're gonna study hieroglyphics.
But we were just learning about the Civil War.
And before that, the first Thanksgiving.
What kind of order are we going in? Bronwen, everyone knows that history repeats itself, so it really doesn't matter what order you go in, duh.
Who can tell me what this modern-day hieroglyphic is? And why would it be on somebody's parking pass? That's Little Zeus, the mascot for Zolt.
And "Zolt" is? It's my favorite Web site ever! Their CFO, Sherri Sandoval, is my idol.
Zolt's a media-sharing, social-networking hot spot for aspirational tweens with buying power.
Sounds profitable.
Well, they will be next week when their company goes public.
Oh, like, open to the public? No, like you can buy stock in it.
BRONWEN: Their corporate headquarters is that cement and glass office complex - near the outlet castle.
- Class? We're going on a field trip! (ALL CHEERING) Really? You'd do that for me? - Yeah.
- Wait.
- What's in it for you? - Nothing.
It's just the joy of seeing your face when you meet your hero Sharon Spiegel man spounds.
I can't believe I'm going to Zolt! (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) GINNY: Principal Carl! There are some glaring issues at this school.
Good morning, Carl, how are you? I saw the huge crack in your windshield.
Is everything okay? For instance, look at the current condition of the Nixon mural.
I mean, look at the poor man! He is filthy! Those are helpful thoughts.
I will take them into consideration.
Wait, that is your quote, unquote "signature blow-off line" that you taught us at teacher training.
I will take that into consideration.
What in hell's bells?! Where do you think you're going? We're going on the field trip to Zolt! The permission slips are signed, the bus is reserved, and Sad Linda is waiting for us out front.
I'm here.
I had to use the can.
Davis, may I speak to you for a minute? Janet, hold all my calls! (GROANS) She's out today.
Her grandmother died.
I got to remember to send her flowers.
Janet, remind (GROANS) Nope.
All right, Meredith, all field trips - have to be cleared by me first.
- Carl, I texted you that I was taking the kids on a field trip.
Well, right now I only have a landline.
And I don't know how to check for texts on my Sports Illustrated football phone.
Okay, we're going to Zolt.
It's a really important trip.
Why? Uh, because, you know, the media.
And Sharon Sandman.
Uh, lightning.
Hang on.
Social Studies is all about world cultures evolving.
They're evolving faster than ever, thanks to Zolt! And their CFO, Sherri Sandoval, is my "shero.
" .
She started the company when she was 12 with nothing but a dream and $60 million.
That's all part of this awesome worksheet I put together, which Lily memorized.
I'm sorry, but first-year teachers aren't allowed to take their kids on field trips alone.
Not after what happened in 1995.
I won't go into detail.
It was a cool, crisp morning.
The temperature, I'd started the day with a banana.
Not as ripe as you would like, - but ripe enough - Hang on! Coach Donnie will cover my classes.
Joel's coming with us to Zolt.
Plus dodgeball is a self-governing sport.
The strong survive, the weak don't.
The bell rings.
Everybody happy.
We have Joel, we have Sad Linda.
That's two men.
- We're all set.
- Meredith? Field trips are serious business.
I don't have a repeat of what happened in 1995.
This time I will go into detail.
Someone lost a toe.
- So, I'm gonna have to come with you.
- Oh, no.
No, no, hey, uh-uh.
You have so many responsibilities here.
Carl, who could possibly fill in the broad shoulders of your moderately priced sports jacket? Well, I will need an acting principal.
I was waiting to talk to you about dirty air filters.
But did I hear you say you need an acting principal? Yes.
Great! Yes! I accept.
You won't regret it.
I am already.
But I have so many great ideas.
Don't do any of them.
Now come with me.
Believe it or not, there's an oath I have to give you.
Hey! Thank you so much for inviting me.
I don't know what you're up to, but I have a feeling it's gonna be big and crazy and especially now that Carl's coming, it's gonna blow up in your face.
The only thing blowing up in my face will be learning.
Meredith, can you go on the bus, and assign everybody a buddy? That way we can keep all eyes and ears on the whole class.
Nobody walks, talks eats or urinates without their buddy.
Okay! See you on the bus, buddy.
Welcome everybody! I'm Patrick, your guide to the Zoltosphere! - Is Sherri Sandoval here today? - She is.
She just might pop in at the end of our little tour.
Lily, where is your trip buddy? Buddy check! Buddy check! You guys came to Zolt at a really exciting time.
We go public next week! So everyone's gonna be rich, right? Like "first class" rich or "private jet" rich? Just so the kids know all the good things that can happen if you study hard.
Whoa! Who are you? It's okay, he's he's with The New York Times.
They're they're doing a story on us.
We're not gonna be paying for those afterwards.
MEREDITH: Hi, me again.
Where are the bathrooms? Are they by the, uh, elevators to the important offices? Um, no, they're right there behind the security desk.
Now, follow me to Zolt's IMAX theater for a 3D interactive thrill ride through the history of the Internet! - (KIDS CLAMORING) - Okay, I'm just gonna run - to the ladies' room, okay? - Where's your buddy? Oh, I'll go with her to the ladies' room.
Joel, don't be gross.
Hurry back, Meredith.
Kids, stay together! We're a centipede the human centipede.
That would make a great kids book.
Why did I stop writing? As acting principal, I've drafted a list of things that must be taken care of A.
P As Soon As Acting Principal says.
"Item number one cracked tiles in main hall.
Item number two water ".
" Don't you think we should start with fixing the flagpole before it falls on a parent's car again? We know what we're doing.
Those are helpful thoughts.
I will take them into consideration.
"Item number three Clean the Nixon mural.
" (MAN CLEARS THROAT) You know, my throat is feeling kind of funny.
I think I'm coming down with something.
How about you guys? - (ALL COUGHING) - Sick as a dog.
(COUGHS) Looks like we're all gonna have to take a sick day.
I see what this is.
An outbreak? - There are seven Seans.
- Oh.
"Sean Ackroyd, I.
;" Sean Jackson, finance; "Sean Goldman, branding" Sweet Edmund, This phone I got from the New York Times reporter department is just the worst.
- The worst.
- Do you mind slowing down just a little bit? So sweet.
"Sean Regan "Regan.
"  "development lab.
" God, you're hot for a reporter.
Now, this is the movie I want to see.
(JOEL LAUGHS) Did you change your shirt? Well, if you must know, Coach Kotsky, I got my period all over my other one.
Uh, what does that have to do with putting a bunch of Seans in your phone? Yeah, that's right, I know everything.
Look, I met the perfect guy named Sean at Java Java.
He works here, it was love at first sight of his Lamborghini, and we're getting married as soon as I figure out his last name.
Patrick, can I keep these glasses? I've been thinking about getting a 3D TV from the same place I rent my nightstand.
- Nope.
- Meredith! - Hi! - Where have you been? - I ate your Twizzlers.
- Oh, that's okay.
Linda double-parked the bus so I had to sweet talk us out of us getting a ticket.
'Cause God knows she's not equipped to do that.
(LAUGHS) So, who's ready to Zolt into our high-tech development lab? (GASPS) I learned all about it on the interactive thrill ride.
We'll meet the kids at the exit.
Wait a minute development lab? Isn't that where "Sean Regan" works?! I don't know, I guess I should find out! Yeah, me, too.
GINNY: So, it wasn't fun separating the garbage from the recyclables, but we did it! We do not need those janitors.
I like that big rough-looking one.
Which one Tico? I didn't notice him.
Then how do you know his name? It's like I always say: If you want to a job done right, do it yourself.
Oh, no! Is there a leak? (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Aah! Yes.
Girls' toilet upstairs? There's a trick to unclogging it before it shorts out the lights.
Good luck! I can't believe I haven't found Sean.
All right, Sean Regan was a bust.
But I'm feeling good about Sean Cohen.
Sean Java.
Java Damn it.
It's like you think your cat's at the back door.
And you turn on the porch light, and it's just your econ professor - begging you for another night.
- Wow You are like a parfait of dysfunction.
It's like yogurt, yogurt, yogurt, commitment issues.
Yogurt, yogurt, yogurt, fear of happiness, a little granola, a little ego-mania Yeah? Well, you're, like, yogurt, yogurt, yogurt oh, I guess he could only afford yogurt.
Hey! Can you guys get out of my office? - All right.
We're going.
- Yeah.
Sorry about that.
(KIDS GASP) We call this the "Zolt Zone.
" .
Each ball represents 10,000 users.
When we first started, there were only two balls in this room.
Then why'd you have a room? Where do you keep going? You're gonna miss.
- Sherri Sandoval.
- Go play in the balls.
I've always wanted to do this! Yi-yi-yi! (KIDS SQUEALING HAPPILY) Watch out, here I oh! If you're feeling yourself Then move like this, now move Okay, that's my life Wham! Bam! Bam! Yeah, that's right.
Move! Like, boom! I have never seen so much vomit.
I'm sorry.
When I smell it, I do it.
That's okay.
We're still in this.
And if it is the last thing we ever do, we are gonna clean this mural.
Carl is going to be so impressed with all you've done.
Wait what happened? Kim! Nixon's face is half gone! This day is a disaster! We've hardly accomplished anything and there's too many leaks to fix and then toilets to unclog and bodily fluids to clean up, and hepatitis tests to take.
And now, I've ruined the one thing that I truly care about.
I fixed it! (KIDS LAUGHING, SHOUTING HAPPILY) Joel, I know this doesn't make sense, but I feel weightless.
That's great.
Like an astronaut in space! Hey.
All right, I'm ready.
Who's the next Sean? Let's do it.
There is no next Sean.
We've been through everybody on the list, and the only one left is Sean Gupta.
And I'm pretty sure that's a dead end.
Maybe he has a a white mom.
My luck has changed.
Now I'm the girl that writes her number on a napkin and it flies out of the Lamborghini.
I used to be the girl that wrote her number on a napkin.
(VOICE BREAKING) And it didn't fly out of the Lamborghini.
Hey, come on.
It's just a bump in the road.
It's all been bumps in the road, ever since Ray left me.
My luck has run out.
In three years, I'm gonna be just like Sad Linda.
This is the closest I've ever been to swimming.
Meredith! Come on, slowpoke! The employee cafeteria is free! We can get whatever we want! - Coming.
- Hey, come here.
Hey, so I was thinking there has to be some higher-up Seans that are too big to be in the directory, right? So I did a little sniffing around and I found this.
This is Nancy from Accounting.
I filled her in on your dilemma and appealed to her romantic side.
- Joel, you're so handsome.
- She knows your Sean.
- Well, I don't, but I know his car.
- The Lamborghini? It gets two parking spaces downstairs.
It's all right here.
Sean Ford, 24th floor, - with all the other bigwigs.
- Why are you helping me? Because we're friends, and as your friend, I thought it would be fun to see this all blow up in your face, but it was sad.
And I like to see you happy.
That's very sweet.
Thank you.
I'll take care of Carl.
All right.
I think you're the most handsome man I've ever met in person.
That's so nice, Nancy.
Thank you.
Let's keep in touch.
I Yes.
Oh, Sean Ford, I do! I do, I do.
"Zolt Acquires International Global Technologies Worldwide.
" I wonder what they'll write about when he acquires my sweet, sweet bod.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Whoa! Oh, my God! Meredith! Hello, Lamborghini.
What are you doing?! Doing? I was just about to recross my legs.
- Meredith! - Off the record, I'm not sure if we Oh.
Who are you? Uh, I'm Sean Ford's future wife.
Who are you? Sean Ford.
Get security up here now.
Uh, you're not Sean Ford.
Yeah, I am.
And why are you wearing my jacket? Because I thought it was a fashion-forward, European cut men's blazer.
- We still off the record? - Yeah.
- Jason, where's security! - That's not Jason.
I met him at Java Java driving a Lamborghini.
- That's Sean Ford.
- Nope.
Nope, that's Jason, my assistant.
And you get coffee in your car on your time.
No, no, better yet, you don't.
Because you're fired.
Can we be on the record? Yes.
Let's put how Sean paid for her car on the record.
I'm gonna go.
What about the stock trades right before the IPO? - Yeah, that's right.
- No.
- Nice to meet you.
- I know all about it.
- And I am on the record.
- JASON: Yeah, you better be.
- Excuse me.
That's my jacket.
- Ah.
It's mine now.
PATRICK: And that concludes our tour.
I I would ask the officers to, uh, run you by the gift shop, but it appears they want you out as quickly as possible.
Meredith, what's going on? It's like Willy Wonka in here.
You go through one wrong door and you're out.
We've seen a lot of stuff we can't unsee.
It's better if we just go.
Yeah, but I never got my 3-D glasses.
Wait! What about Sherri Sandoval? Uh, sorry, little lady person.
You can thank lover girl here for that.
Lover girl? What did you do? - Nothing.
- Meredith! I thought I was in love with a guy here.
Turns out it was a woman.
This whole trip was about a guy? A woman like I just said.
This was my dream.
Sherri was gonna meet us at the end of the tour.
I was gonna get a picture with her, and maybe her e-mail address, which can lead to the internship that kicks off my young professional career! She never actually comes.
It's just something the tour guide says.
No, she really does stop by the tours.
She loves kids.
Really? Not all adults are liars like you.
Hey, Lily, I'm sorry.
She's not talking to you.
Hey, James Pfaff, you want to make 20 bucks? Yeah! Hey, dumb-dumb, you want to make five bucks? Yeah! This was fun while it lasted.
Certainly better than '95.
Around this time, on that fateful trip, I was in the emergency room with a toe in the cooler.
My toe.
Oh, no! A runner! I'll get him! What?! James I hope I can catch him! I am gonna come undone! Running hurts my stump! Ow! Where are we going? (BELCHES) Jason! Hi.
- Hey.
Do you want to get out of here? - I don't know.
Did you, by any chance, sell all your stock and become really rich in the past few weeks? - I don't have any stock.
- Yeah, okay, so we're done.
But this little girl here was supposed to meet her shero.
LILY: Sherri Sandoval.
And you're gonna - help us make that happen.
- No, I'm not.
Wait, wait, come here.
I'll send you a picture of me.
Without the suit jacket.
I'm just sick about this mural situation.
I destroyed a relic.
I'm just gonna have to be honest with Carl and I am gonna tell him that you messed up.
It grew back.
Wow! You do not smell good.
Did you do that? Yeah.
I painted the original ten years ago.
I used to be an art teacher.
Make more money as a janitor.
I never knew how hard your job was until I tried to do it.
I didn't even get through three things on my list, and then Kim scrubbed half of Nixon's face off.
I think we can agree we both had a hand in that.
Please come back to work.
I feel really embarrassed about how I acted.
I just, I wanted Carl to appreciate me.
I appreciate you.
Now can you help Carl appreciate me? Mmm Thank you.
I can't believe I got a picture with my shero! And she gave me her e-mail address! Well, her third assistant's e-mail address.
BOTH: But still! (LAUGHS) Jinx.
You know, it it was nice of your friend to help us ambush Sherri at her car.
Yeah, well, that didn't really come for free.
- Well, it was the least I could do.
- Kind of is.
You know what? You're gonna be just as successful as S teffi S and castle.
You know who I'm talking about.
Linda, let's get out of here.
You know, sometimes it feels good to do things that scare you.
You don't have to tell me that.
Look at Sherri Sandoval.
(GASPS HAPPILY) Awesome sauce! Bronwen, what did I say about awesome sauce? That it's as bad as "amaze-balls" ? That's right.
You're better than that.
JOEL: Hey.
So, looks like your luck has changed for the better.
How is that? Well, I mean, they're not pressing charges, you still have a job, and, um I am still available.
I mean, unless you're planning on seeing that assistant again.
Don't worry.
If I decide to date someone poor, you're still at the top of my list.
Buddy check! Buddy check! A large, black, drip coffee, please.
Why don't you let me buy that for you? A pretty lady should never have to pay for own coffee.
Oh, look, a black card.
- What, are you rich or something? - I do ok, I own a few things.
Oh, yeah? I bet you do.
What, like the futon in your parents' basement, and that aquarium you got in the ninth grade? Not fooling anybody, intern, especially not with this boss' credit card you got here.
Uh, Mr.
Cuban, your jet's too big to land in Bali, so we're gonna have to take your helicopter to get to your other jet.
Today is not my day.