Bad Teacher (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

1 You know, I've heard that a lot of women have a fantasy about sleeping with the gym teacher.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Well, I've heard a lot of women lie to guys with crappy jobs to make them feel better.
Well I'm heading home.
What? Tonight's the 6th Grade Lock-In.
It's the big old slumber party at school.
Ugh, that's right.
I'm just gonna volunteer for bathroom duty so I can sneak out.
If anyone asks, I'm in the can by the library.
The most surprising thing about what you just said - is that you know where the library is.
- Ha, ha.
Hey, you got any plans for tomorrow night? I bought two tickets to the Wilco concert.
Ugh, they charge for those? Wha I didn't know you hated Wilco.
Well, I'm a human, and I've heard Wilco, so, um, of course I hate them.
- Wait, are you asking me on a date? - Well, we are sleeping together.
Uh, we're just sleeping together.
We are just colleagues who just sleep together.
Mostly - just at work.
- No, no.
I've been to your place and you've driven by my place, just refused to come in.
(Scoffs) I might be at a low point, but I'm not low enough to have sex with you with your roommate, like, three feet away.
So, my place next week? Ugh.
Hey, Coach Donnie.
- (Beep) - Nice hustle.
Thank you.
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Nah-nah, nah-nah I am a fascination I'm here to blow your mind I'll give 'em education Give me the wine and dine Hey! Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! Okay folks, it's almost time for the 6th Grade Lock-In.
Which I despise.
Years ago, an idealistic young principal with a full head of hair thought it'd be a great reward for the class food drive.
Now the bald shell of that man would like to travel back in time and kick that guy in the face.
Hormonal tweens staying up all night is a recipe for drama.
Kids think of it as a magical time.
Lot of high expectations.
You're gonna see hookups, breakups, lot of hurt feelings.
I've been having panic attacks all week.
That's why my assistant Janet here is gonna help me through.
Yeah, so, at my school, we had a lock-in every night.
Course, that was because I was homeschooled with my five siblings.
- Ugh.
- But tonight is going to rock.
(Short laugh) When you're dragging a urine-filled sleeping bag to the garbage at 3:00 AM, that'll change your tune.
Yeah, I've apologized for that, like, a gazillion times.
Besides, they were just urine samples.
Thank you.
Okay, Janet's gonna go through everyone's duties for tonight's, uh, lock-in.
Yeah, so, we've got Ginny and Kim on prank watch.
I love pranks.
Once, I hid my neighbor's dog, Buttons, and I put her dog collar on this brisket and I put it on their porch Kim.
Anti-prank watch.
- Oh.
- It's where all the real action is.
- Right.
And, oh, uh, sorry, Coach Donnie? - Yeah.
- "Crushing it" is not a duty.
- I know.
It's an honor.
Maybe you'd be honored to know that the coaches are on s'mores station.
- S'mores.
Can do that.
- (Growls): All right.
- Mm, mm.
(Grunts) - Left, up.
(Grunts) Eat that, Jeff.
JANET: No, Jeff, that's okay.
You're fine.
Um Oh, Irene is heading up Safety Patrol.
Uh, we're gonna start with a presentation.
I don't want to give anything away, but gonna be gangsta.
Which is slang for gangster.
All right, and organizing the costumes for the teachers' skit is Meredith.
Oh.
(Inhales through teeth) I think there was a mistake.
I'm actually on bathroom duty.
It's to make sure that the kids aren't frenching or having babies in there or something.
It happens.
Yeah.
No, that's fine.
I-I can take costumes.
I was the lead in my homeschool play every year.
Before we adopted Blanca.
Okay, gang, we've got to get rolling.
Really can't put this off much longer.
I just want to let you guys know that tonight's gonna be hell on earth.
Good luck, everyone.
(Indistinct shouting) Attention, sixth graders.
You are now officially locked in.
(Kids whoop) So let's all have a big hand for (Clears throat) - What if there's a fire? - You can still get out.
The doors are locked to keep people from the outside getting in.
- Now let's give a big hand - (Clears throat) What if emergency personnel need to get in? James.
These are your happy years.
Please, just try and enjoy them.
Now let's give a big hand for the Safety Patrol aka House of No Pain.
- Yeah, safety break.
- (Whistles) It's time to raise the roof.
(Whoops) Yo, yo, yo.
We're the Safety Patrol, Yo, yo, yo, we're the Safety Patrol.
Well, at least they're better than Wilco.
(Short laugh) You unload that ticket yet? No.
Why? You You change your mind? Um, it's still you.
And it's still Wilco.
So, no.
Okay, well, I'm gonna ask somebody else.
- A girl.
- Great.
I don't care.
- Okay.
- We aren't anything to each other.
- Mm.
- Okay? You provide a service for me.
I mean, if it'll make you feel better, I'd be happy to write you a positive review on Yelp.
KID: Who are we? One, two, three.
Safety Patrol! Losers.
(Screams) Ooh.
Who is throwing eggs? I can't see because of the light.
All right, everybody go to dinner.
Pizza's in the library.
Refreshments are at the, um, water fountain.
I'm out.
No running.
No running.
No comedic fast-walking, James Pfaff.
I'm sorry about these eggs.
Hi.
I'm Dale.
I'm-I'm Lyle's dad, and I'm a a volunteer chaperone tonight.
Uh, the boys said that there was gonna be an omelet bar.
- Oh.
- I should have asked more questions.
Oh.
I'm Irene.
Safety Patrol.
Oh.
Hello.
- Hello.
- (Laughs): Hi.
GINNY: Kim.
This is the perfect time for a prank inspection.
(Gasps) What is that? Open it.
(Gasps) I knew it.
This amount of toilet paper can only be used for one thing.
Explosive dia Pranking, Kim.
Pranking.
Ah I got this group.
Ugh.
I'm starving.
Hey, look, it's the Safety Pale-Trolls.
(Laughing) Give us some, up top.
You guys, come on.
You have to admit it's kind of funny.
This sucks.
I mean, the 6th Grade Lock-In is supposed to be a night of magic.
I wish those mean boys weren't here.
Oh, yeah.
But I am happy that Lyle's dad is here.
He's really nice.
Plus he's got a sexy name.
Dale.
Can you believe he's single? OMG, Irene.
- Why don't you ask him out on a date? - Oh, no.
Our mom taught us three girls to play hard to get.
No one's caught us yet, and Janine's almost 50.
Well, the good news is, we ruined some prankster's night.
One more roll.
Swish.
Yes.
(Door thuds shut) Um I forgot my keys.
Kim! (Imitating her): Ginny.
Oh.
I am so sorry.
I just got caught up in the moment.
Hey.
Everybody? (Muffled): Hello? Okay, well I better get to, uh, "bathroom duty.
" (Chuckles) I'll see you clowns on Monday.
Oh, oh, let's try this one.
Oh.
Later, sucka.
Why is Joel talking to Puffy Vest? I don't know.
Everybody's looking for a place to dock their boat.
- Okay, what about Wilco? Do you like Wilco? - Uh, is there anyone in the world who does not like Wilco? JOEL: Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- (Wailing) Oh, sweet Kenny Rogers.
We're locked out of the Lock-In.
No! Oh, you decided to stay.
Why? You know when you decide you hate an item of clothing so you give it to your maid? And then you see your maid wearing it and you're like, "Why'd I ever give it away? Because it looked so much better on me?" Yeah.
Totally.
I totally get that.
Totally happens all the time.
(Gasps) Hey there, homeschool skillet.
(Giggles) I love your puffy vest.
Everyone looks good puffy.
Aren't you on bathroom duty? Oh, I have a few minutes.
I was just consoling some crying girls and helping a few with their first periods.
- It's just so beautiful.
- (Sighs) So Coach Kotsky? Coach Hotsky? What's happening, girlfriend? Are you having sexy times with the coach or what? Listen, I think you can do better.
I mean, Joel is great.
But he's poor.
Like, "he goes on vacation in a car" poor.
He's so cute.
Oh, and he's great with kids, too.
W You if you care about kids Oh, God, I can't believe You C Coach Donnie.
Oh, my God, he is fantastic with kids.
He actually has the IQ of a child, so he treats them like equals, because they are.
Yeah, I don't really think that Uh, don't Don't.
I think it could be super beautiful.
You're doing a great job.
Hey, listen, I got a little extra room in my sleeping bag.
I bought it before I got the old lap band, so - If you're interested.
- I'm not interested.
- DONNIE: All right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, did you just have some weird conversation with Janet? Are you jealous or something? (Laughing): Um Of Puffy Vest Girl? Eh, no.
And by the way, she's wearing that vest to cover up the fact that that, um, kid over there has bigger boobs than she does.
Okay, look, you're the one that said we aren't anything, so you don't get to be jealous.
I'm a former Miss Teen Yorba Glinda.
I am not jealous.
- I really don't care.
- Okay.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I've been sleeping with Coach Donnie.
You are not sleeping with Coach Donnie.
I'd know.
Coach Donnie tells us everything.
Even the stuff he does alone.
- I like to contribute to the conversation.
- Well, we just love to talk - about space exploration.
I think we were - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, uh, economy.
- Economy.
(Laughs) Sometimes we say the same thing at the same time.
(Chuckles) I like her boobs.
Both of 'em.
- Okay.
See you guys.
- (Laughing): Donnie.
Stop! You're tickling me! See? I knew we were vibing.
Shut up, Donnie.
There must be so much pranking.
Swirlies, "kick me" signs, uncooked clams hiding in rucksacks.
They don't even know we're gone.
Everybody hates prank watch.
That's not true.
Come on.
We're gonna get in there.
What are you doing? (Thump) That's a good idea.
Get their attention! Hello?! - Let us in! - Hey! Everybody! Where is Ginny? She's supposed to play the hero of the skit.
Did somebody say "hero"? I would love to step in.
Because there's a huge heart under these perfect knockers.
CARL: Okay, students, we're halfway through the worst night of our lives.
Next up is the teachers' skit, which was written by Mr.
Dougan's ESL class and it is entitled, Zombie Scary Fast Run Run.
You look great, by the way.
CARL: And curtain.
(Growling) Need brains.
(Sniffing) Hmm.
No brains here.
- (Laughter) - I-I can't hear in this costume, so I'm gonna need somebody to wave or something when it's my cue to go onstage! - Got it.
- What?! Got Okay! I know how to kill zombies: feed 'em cafeteria food.
(Laughter) Another way to kill them is t To make them look at Janet's face because then they'll want to kill themselves.
Okay.
Intermission, all right? Everybody huddle up.
Right now.
What is going on? - I would also like to know that.
- I think Meredith doesn't love that Janet and I have been hanging out.
Oh, you think I'm jealous? Um, no.
Sorry.
Only fat girls get jealous.
Meredith, we were just talking.
Great! Good! Enjoy talking.
But you should know, um, we boned.
- (Gasping) - More than once.
More than twice.
Uh, more than you've probably played the lead in your homeschool production, so just enjoy your sloppy uh, I'm sorry really sloppy seconds.
- What? - What? What was it like to sleep with Joel? - (Sighs) Joel, is this true? - Come on.
Drama.
I hate it! And scene! I was dreading tonight because of all the student drama.
I wasn't counting on the drama coming from inside the house.
I trusted you all to handle yourselves.
Big mistake.
Relationships aren't against the rules, but talking about 'em in front of the students is.
So everybody come clean for the protection of the school.
I like Meredith's boobs.
I-I didn't ask for the particulars.
Joel, Meredith, are you two an item? No.
We-we aren't anything but colleagues who used to sleep together.
That's it.
Joel, Janet, do you like-like each other? Yeah, I-I like-like her.
Janet, will you will you go to the Wilco concert with me? To make up for all this crap? I-I don't know.
I mean, this is kind of a lot to take in, but, I mean, I like-like you, too, so I guess I Wilco to the concert with you.
Nice.
I think I Wilco-mmit suicide now.
DONNIE (Chuckles): Well, then, Meredith and I are definitely an item.
And she quite possibly could become the second - Mrs.
Coach Donnie.
- Uh, no, I won't because I wouldn't be caught dead dating a gym teacher.
Okay, girls, Operation Get Ms.
Dudek and Dale Together is a go.
I don't know, guys.
He's the dad of a mean boy.
Oh, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.
You can't help who you fall for.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
Now are you in? Let's make the 6th Grade Lock-In magic.
- Wake up, guys! - Wake up! Cream 'em.
(Screaming) - Oh, this is disgusting! - Stop! Unacceptable! Hey, no! - I can't believe this.
- It's all over my shirt.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, you should really apologize to our advisor, Irene Dudek.
She's in room 105, currently single, and she's up to date with all of her shots.
- Go get her.
Go get her.
To the right.
- Right there.
Down the hall to the right.
Yes.
(Giggles) Yes.
(Grunts, exhales) Uh, that's the last roll.
Kim look.
Oh, my God.
What did we do? A prank.
(Squeaks) What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? - Is this about Joel? - (Scoffs) I see him leaving the guesthouse sometimes.
That's nothing.
It's just sex.
Which is very special.
Because sex is always super special and meaningful and done to make a baby.
Which is probably why he thinks I'm jealous.
And it's like I'm not jealous.
I would never get jealous of someone who's poor and couldn't give me the life that I want at all.
I mean, he couldn't give it to me at all.
I mean, at all at all.
Even if he is cute and even if he is kind of smart in, like, a dumb gym teacher kind of way.
But it's like even with all of that, like, he's so obviously and completely and totally, utterly not at all what I'm looking for, and I would never, ever, ever, ever fall for Joel, so You can't help who you fall for.
Don't tell anyone, but I think the Unibrow Twin is cute.
But he likes Bronwen.
He chucked all of his eggs at her.
How do you deal with your jealousy? - I farted on her pillow.
- (Chuckling): Nice.
Look, you should tell Joel what you told me.
Hello? - Wow.
- (Chuckles) Hey, Ms.
Dudek? Oh, hello.
Your, uh, classroom looks beautiful.
Yeah.
It's not normally like this.
The, uh, Safety Patrol girls, they told me the eye wash was broken, so I came rushing.
Classic trick.
Oh.
(Chuckling): Yeah.
Uh, well, I just came by to-to apologize for my son and his loser friends' behavior again and Oh.
There's only one way you can make it up to me.
- Oh.
- (Chuckles) What's that? I guess that apology you just gave.
That actually was a good way.
Oh.
Thank you.
Uh, well, but I was wondering if I could get your number.
Oh.
Four.
But one was at camp and we didn't actually finish, so No, I meant your phone number.
Like 'Cause just seeing you here, uh, looking so alluring in the light of the Bunsen burners - had me wondering if we might - Oh.
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Holy crap! Don't worry! I'll get us out of here! - (Alarm blaring) - Uh, Siri, how does one escape fire? (Children screaming) Lily, have you seen Joel? I'm gonna take your advice! - About the pillow thing? - No, the other thing! Oh, he's in the main wing.
Our motto usually is "safety first," but this time it's "safety second"! Go get him! Joel! (Panting) Hey.
- What are you - I think you're incredibly hot.
I like that you laugh at my jokes even though you're not really smart enough to get them.
And I like that we have this long history together because I know that you've been fantasizing about me for 12 to 14 years, and that's the longest relationship I've ever been in.
So, yes, you were right.
I am jealous of you and Janet.
I don't want you to go to the concert with Janet.
I don't want you to be anything with Janet.
So, what, are we, like, boyfriend-girlfriend status, then? No.
Oh, I don't want you to be anything with Janet, but I don't want to be anything with you, either.
Wait, what? When I got dumped, I swore that I would get back at my ex, that I would strut back into that country club on the arm of a much richer man.
And I like you, Joel, I really do, but it's just something I have to do, and I can't do it with you.
- Wait, are your parents rich? - No.
- Okay, so yeah.
It can't be you.
- Okay.
That was incredibly honest, I'll give you that.
What are you thinking? I'm thinking I'm still gonna take Janet to the concert.
Wait, why? I just told you not to.
Yeah, well, I-I don't do what you want.
That's why you like me.
Hope you don't find somebody to get you out of those wet clothes.
- This is really a mess.
- Yeah.
Well, at least the Lock-In ended six hours early.
So, God, you're probably gonna have to can whoever started this fire.
And (Sighs) I did not want to say anything, but, uh, I'm pretty sure it was Janet.
- Janet? - Yeah.
Really? That seems strange.
I think she did that TP-ing, too.
Look, she just has that weird, creepy, desperate need for attention.
You know, with the zombie skit.
Okay, well, listen, I'll check it out.
But can you give me a hand? Uh, the-the drain is over-over there.
Oh, I would love to, but I'm actually on, um on bathroom duty.
And I'd hate to leave my post (Groans) with all of this going on.
But, um, call me later, okay? Good luck! Hey! Happy birthday to me.
(Giggles) Ah, yes.