Bad Teacher (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Health Week gross.
Excuse me.
(groans) No donuts? Like, what am I supposed to eat? Try a vegan muffin.
They smell like leather, but they taste like soap.
It's like we're at a lesbian wedding.
There's no way you can eat junk food all the time and look the way you do.
You can if you know the right doctors Carl spends so much money on Health Week, but, when I want money to start a postseason baseball camp, he cries poor.
Literally cries about how poor we are.
He cries a lot.
What happens during Health Week? Oh, never mind.
I just got so bored by the end of that sentence.
How good is this breakfast? I cannot wait to meet the guy behind these Chef Asher? Oh, my God, I love him.
He's here, he's working with the school to revamp the cafeteria menu to make it healthier.
Oh, no, they better not be getting rid of hamburger ice cream nachos! - They wouldn't do that, would they? - I don't know.
(taps mic, feedback whines) CARL: Welcome to Nixon's "Nix the Fat" Week.
Uh, first off, I'd just like to say that the faculty 50-yard-dash has been canceled.
- Why?! - For secret principal reasons, Pilaf! And now I would like to introduce the host of Health Week, a local five-star restaurant owner and vegan chef, Brad Asher.
(applause) MEREDITH: This guy owns a five-star restaurant? Hello, Nixon Middle.
Oh, he owns three restaurants.
Four if you count his food truck.
Also forgot to mention he's credited with bringing the parsnip to the forefront of the vegan movement.
Less relevant.
Come on.
and I even broke gluten-free bread with the President of the United States.
(gasps) Oh I'm also vegan.
People hear the word "vegan," they get scared, but don't worry we don't bite.
I do.
(scattered laughter) Uh, who here likes bacon? Me! Well, I'd like you to meet bacon.
This is Mr.
Pigglesworth.
He's the reason I became vegan, and he's my best friend.
But be careful he's not a vegan.
And he has developed a taste for human flesh.
- What? - What? Irene, you're gonna get to see me in action.
I'll teach you everything you need to know about catching a big fish.
Oh, wait, I think I remember this.
Yeah, very good.
Now tell me everything you know about him.
And focus in on the key words: mansion, ocean-front, villa, Europe, family money go.
I can tell you what kind of salt he likes to use.
Yeah, that's not what I'm asking.
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Nah-nah, nah-nah I am a fascination I'm here to blow your mind I'll give 'em education Give me the wine and dine Hey! Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! You have been on there a while, Kim, and your heart rate hasn't gone up, you must be in great shape! No, it's because my heart's enlarged, and it doesn't function properly.
MAN: Hi, I'm Navid.
Chef Asher's sous chef.
Sous chef? So, you're his Kim? What's a Kim? - I'm a Kim.
- Right.
And you are? Ms.
Taylor-Clapp.
And I hope you washed your hands after you handled that adorable livestock.
Well, I just came over here to say hi.
And that is your diastolic blood pressure.
Guess I did that.
See you later.
Whoa, he is so cute.
You think everybody's cute.
Big heart.
I like your number.
Chef (sultry laugh) Hi, I'm Meredith Davis.
- The biter.
- I'm much more than that.
I'm just so happy you're here.
Fat kids are my passion, too.
- It's an epidemic.
- It keeps me up at night.
- Pretty and smart? - I mean, that's what they say about me.
You know, but, I I'm just a real person.
Um, this is Irene.
Oh, true.
I am me.
(Chuckles) Oh, and you're gonna do a demonstration in my class.
Oh you're the science teacher? Aren't you a regular at my restaurant? Guilty as ion charged.
(Laughs) Well, the demonstration's gonna be fun.
I love playing around with molecular gastronomy.
- I love playing around.
- You should bring your class, too.
I know Principal Carl wants to involve as many kids as possible.
Come by.
I mean, unless you're teaching an important - Nope.
It's a date.
- Well, it's not, but maybe we can go on one of those, too.
Tomorrow night would be perfect; I'm only looking No brakes! - No brakes! (Crash) - Ooh.
Oh.
That sucks.
(Sultry laugh) I'll give you five bucks for that toaster pastry.
Oh, sorry, Lily.
It's Health Week.
Oh, come on, Coach Kotsky, I'm dying here.
They replaced all the snacks in the vending machines with fruit.
- Fruit! - Okay, you know what, I won't sell it to you, but I will take the money as a donation for baseball camp.
Come on, banana! Fall! Now, damn it! I will smash through this glass if I'm forced to eat a pear.
Carl, I need to talk to you.
If this is about Mr.
Pilaf renting out your classroom at night on Airbnb, I had no idea.
And I agree; those Belgians were rude.
No.
I was wondering why you cancelled the faculty 50-yard dash.
Well, uh, the field is uneven, the weather's unpredictable, and I heard Kim's been blood doping.
Okay.
The truth is since the divorce, I have been a little down.
Hitting the sauce kind of hard.
The cheese sauce.
And I may have put on a few extra LBs.
- Oh, I had no idea.
You wear it well.
- I got a little help under the suit.
Male undergarments.
Which have become socially acceptable.
But the point is this: I am out of shape, I can't run.
Carl, I can coach you.
You can? Yes.
I'm an excellent runner, - obviously.
- Well, I just want to finish middle of the pack.
I mean, if I come in last, then people are gonna laugh.
And can you imagine? Then I'll become a figure of ridicule.
I can't even imagine.
You know, I'm a big fan of your blog.
It's getting popular.
Oh, very.
There's actually a guy in Germany who live blogs your blog while he reads it.
I know, because my mom printed up his last blog, put it in an envelope and sent it to me with a note that said, "I saw this on the computer".
(chuckles) Your mom's so dumb.
(laughs) Hey, those are those shoesy make from old tires, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, I I actually got a nail in one of 'em, but I just I can't bring myself to throw them out.
- Just slave to fashion that way.
- Cool.
Hi, I'm here.
Oh, hey.
Here you go.
Thank you.
I love aprons.
Maybe I should wear just this on our date tonight.
It'll be like Top Chef.
Unless you want to be Top Chef, and I could be Bottom Chef.
I'm no stranger to culinary euphemisms.
Is it getting hot in here? 'Cause maybe I should just slip into my bikini.
(gasps) Make that a whipped cream bikini.
Actually, that's celery foam.
We should have a foam party.
Oh, my God, I went to one, once, in Montreal.
It was so fun, but lesson learned: leave the leather in the penthouse, because, apparently, those little lambies do not like to get wet.
Yeah.
I like to start my morning with a breakfast burrito.
Covers all the food groups: Protein, vegetable, grain and comfort.
Okay, my fitness regime is pretty simple.
In the few minutes of free time I have before morning announcements, I like to jog it out.
and do some wind sprints.
And then I have my morning coffee.
Good.
Studies show that caffeine boosts metabolism.
Carl.
That's just a milkshake.
It's a coffee.
Float.
It's technically a float.
(speaks indistinctly) Breakfast needs work.
Exercise needs work.
Oh, I know.
Everything needs work.
I am an emotional eater.
What does that even mean? I eat my feelings, Ginny.
And, believe me, I have a lot of feelings post-divorce.
Two pizzas in one sitting feelings pan pizzas but this is drinking my feelings, so it's different.
(scoffs) You can do this.
To make broc bites we take liquefied broccoli and we dip it into sodium alginate powder.
Oh, you know, if you take those broc bites and you serve them with another bathed in liquid nitrogen, then you actually represent all three - states of matter.
- But that would only be liquid and solid broccoli.
Oh, the broccoli gas comes later.
(laughter) - Okay, guys, who wants to be first? - Pick me! (kids chatter) Broccoli.
Spoon.
Oh, God.
You're so good with the kids.
I mean, I guess we have that gift in common.
I've actually been teaching them about small businesses.
Maybe you could come speak to my class? I mean, they would just love that.
Their favorite thing is single, handsome chefs who really, uh, bring home the vegan bacon.
(laughs) Bet you do pretty well for yourself, huh, big guy? Like, how much we talking? I actually don't care that much about being paid.
As long as I'm able to do my thing, I'm happy.
Yeah.
I'd be happy to do your thing, too.
(Giggles) Meredith, at the start I thought we were on the same page, but now I'm not sure we have that much in common.
- Maybe we shouldn't go out? - We have the fat kid thing in common.
- Just doesn't feel right.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, - I'm just, like, not following.
- Well, I'm trying to not let myself get distracted by shiny things in tight dresses.
One of them owns half my first restaurant, now.
And I I just want to date girls that I have a real connection with.
But you're clearly attracted to me.
Oh, I like your outside.
- A lot.
- Yeah.
(Laughs) I just I care more about what's on the inside, now.
(whispers): You might want to sit a different way.
I can fully see your net.
- What are you doing? - Raising money for baseball camp, what does it look like I'm doing? I used to "raise money" for baseball camp in college.
Hey, don't cut into my profits.
Stop it! I need this.
Chef Asher cancelled our date for tonight.
He said he didn't think we had a real connection.
- You didn't.
- Yeah, so? That's never stopped me from dating anyone before.
He said that he cares more about what's inside and about being a good person.
So lame.
It's one guy that you're not that into.
Who cares? He has more in common with Irene anyway.
I saw them comparing Amnesty International cards Yeah, to see whose was more worn out.
For a good ten minutes.
Joel, this is serious like, "No Return Policy" serious.
No one has ever broken off a date with me, for obvious reasons.
And it's like, if I can't get some average-looking chef with under ten restaurants, to like me, then what does my future hold? - A gym coach? - Yes, exactly.
- There you are.
How much can I buy for 20? - Whoa, Bronwen, you sure you want to spend all that on You know what I'm not here to buy? A lecture.
All right, I'll take a dozen Tootsie Rolls, a handful of Skittles, heavy on the greens.
And a bag of nacho chips.
Yeah, make it two.
- One for my girl.
- Sure.
Okay, that'll be 12 bucks.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thank you.
You know, you're really making a killing here, Kotsky, selling junk to these kids.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! This money is for baseball camp where kids run around and move.
Occasionally.
To and from the dugout.
The point is, I'm making kids healthy.
If that's what you need to tell yourself to sleep at night.
(sighs) Hey, Coach, I'm next, right? Hey! No cut-sies, huh? Oh, crap! I am sweating like a bag of breakfast.
Come on, I'm gonna get you to the middle of that 50-yard dash pack.
This fitness stuff is harder than I thought.
I tried to run on the treadmill last night.
but but but Ron made pot-pies.
I mean, what am I supposed to do? You take a long sniff of it and you let that be enough.
Oh, I guess I could do that, but I think I'm gonna quit.
I don't understand what you just said, 'cause I don't know what that last word is Quit.
It means to cease, to stop doing.
It's a common word that I know what the word means, but quitters never prosper.
No.
Cheaters never prosper.
Oh, I could cheat! No cheating, no quitting! Listen, Ginny, I really appreciate you helping me out, but maybe I just need to accept my fate and balloon up.
It would be fun for a while, and I'd get disability.
I know this fitness stuff is hard.
I ate a pot-pie once, In 1987.
But you have to get your life under control.
I want you to feel as good as I feel, and that way to do that is to stay on course.
So let's go! - Want a hand with that? - Oh, no, thank you.
But I think you should take another look at your "always" table.
In my opinion, you have a lot of questionable fruits here.
And plantains? Nice try.
How long have you had something against plantains? (gasps) No going off course! Son of a biscuit! What gives?! You are embarrassing me in front of the faculty.
It's just one cookie.
One cookie leads to two cookies, which leads to three boxes in bed alone.
It's not alone if you have the TV on.
Ginny, you don't get how hard this is for me.
I am naturally curvy.
I do get it.
Before I got control of my life, I was a fat kid, and people were horrible.
They all claimed that I ate Amy Balducci And so then, every time I would burp, they would say it was her crying out for help.
Ow! My curves! So, how was your date with Meredith? Oh, we didn't go out.
Oh oh, you guys have so much in common hair, arms, legs.
Yeah, I just don't think she's my type.
I mean, she thought "quinoa" was my limo driver.
- Oh, man.
- It's really cool that you're composting.
Oh, yeah.
At one time, I actually even named my worms, but they're just so hard to tell apart.
And then the little nametags kept falling off.
(laughs) What are we doing, guys? Eating green beans? Fun! Oh, we're just doing a little trash talking.
Ooh.
Composting.
You know, it's my favorite, so I'm setting up a compost station tomorrow here, so I want to help.
Oh, God, I love composting.
Really? Of course.
Oh.
Okay, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
I just was so nervous around you, because I'm such a big fan.
You're a big fan? Guilty as ion charged.
I'm a vegan, too.
You didn't mention that before.
Well, I am.
I have been since I was a kid.
My parents took me to the zoo when I was little, and I saw these really adorable animals doing tricks just for my entertainment.
And I just thought to myself, like, how can I be eating these animals when they're so talented and hilarious? I'm sorry I just can't take "no" for an answer.
I mean, it's just not every day that I meet a handsome man who has such a big heart and small carbon footprint.
(laughs) Hopefully, that's not an indication of, um, anything else.
(laughs) (school bell ringing) Ooh.
I'm glad I was wrong about you, Meredith.
Well, you can't judge a book by its perfect tush.
Chef, we need you in the cafeteria.
'Cause, clearly, I can't approve a smoothie station on my own.
I miss you.
Oh, Joel? See? I did it.
Meredith Davis is back, and you didn't think I could.
I thought you could.
I just hoped you wouldn't.
Why? You're the one who told me to show him my insides, and I did, and he likes it, so I win.
Uh, no, Irene wins.
You didn't show him your insides.
You showed him hers.
She's the one he has the real connection with.
I mean, you're really so scared about one guy not liking you that you're going to take this away from her? Huh? She's your friend.
And this is a new low, even for you.
I've been much lower, thank you very much! ASHER: Meredith? Some of this stuff has hardened into bricks.
Make sure you grab the dung mallets.
(clicks tongue) Hey, Ginny, want to try a smoothie? Chef Asher's got me making them all day long, 'cause four years of culinary school totally qualifies me to throw rotten fruit in a blender and press "on.
" Still, they're pretty good.
Smoothies are just desserts dressed up in snacks' clothing.
Hey, listen, would you want to hang out later? Well, I need 10,000 steps, and I am only at 783, so Ginny, a word, please? Why are you giving the handsome, bearded man a cold shoulder? What are you talking about? Well, he's obviously interested in you.
Why aren't you chest deep in that beet root smoothie right now? I don't expect you to understand this, but I take my routines very seriously.
I didn't get where I am now by breaking the rules.
Yeah, but living by the rules is fine, but if you never break the rules, are you really living? My roommate Ron has a no-eating in-the-living-room rule.
- Mm-hmm.
- But after he goes to bed, I have been known to rip open a bag of those cheese balls and go to town until my mustache looks like a traffic cone.
But I don't like going off course.
I'm not good at that.
But you're good at so many things.
Filing What makes you think you won't be good at this, too? Trust me.
He is kind of intriguing.
Go get that smoothie.
(groans) Hey, girl.
Oh.
Hey.
Great news about you and the chef.
Seems like you guys really hit it off.
Maybe I can pig-sit sometime.
He's not into me.
- Oh, he isn't? - Irene, you have some great insides, but chefs like outsides, too.
I'm sorry, but I have got a plan.
All right, up we go.
Come on.
Take off your clothes.
Oh, okay all right.
Wow, Irene.
You look great.
Oh, thank you.
I just put on a little makeup that was only tested on humans.
Don't worry.
MEREDITH: All right, listen, she likes you, you should like her, and I hate all of this.
- What?! - Oh, yeah, everything you thought about me from the beginning was true.
I'm shallow, I like bacon.
- The person you're into is Irene.
- You're single? What about the stroller you bring to my restaurant? It's for her ferret.
There's probably room in there for Mr.
Pigglesworth that way, you guys never have to worry about anyone from the opposite sex ever being attracted to either one of you ever again.
I'm sorry I didn't realize what a connection we had right away.
You and your ferret s are welcome at my restaurant any time.
In fact, I'd love to take you there tonight.
BRONWEN: Hey.
Guys.
You open? As a matter of fact, I am.
Granola bars? They got to you, too, huh? Hey, I held out as long as I could.
Go ahead, guys.
It's on me.
Well, I was planning on starting my diet on Monday, but I guess I'll start now.
- My girl will sure be happy.
- Um For the last time I am not your girl.
Chicks, right? Mmm! This is the best meal I've had all week.
Wait.
How did you end up with that pig? Well, every hot girl needs a fat friend.
Plus, I'm, uh, pig-sitting while Irene is on the date with her chef.
I hope they're, uh, really loving each other's insides.
Man, why are you so offended by someone liking what's on the inside? Most people think that's a good thing, you know? Well, I like to keep things surfacey.
You know? It's just easier for everyone.
- Why? - Because not everybody has such nice insides, Joel.
Some people have darker pasts and insides that nobody wants to hear about.
No, but that's how you know if someone's right for you.
You know, if you share all that stuff, and then they stick around.
Nobody wants to know what's below my surface, Joel.
Nobody wants to hear about my mom and her 20 boyfriends and three husbands while I was growing up, or that she told me to meet a rich guy before my face and my boobs went.
See? Guys just want to see me bend over.
Nobody wants to hear the other stuff.
I do.
You would? I mean, I also want to see you bend over, so (applause and cheering) (applause and cheering continue) (applause, cheering and whistling) It was so awesome.
- Nice.
- I think I won.
I don't know about that.
Yay, Carl! You did it! We did it! Yeah, I guess this Health Week was as important foe staff as it is for the kids.
- Thank you.
- Aw PILAF: I can't believe I lost.
I'm never coming back! (Sobbing) He did the same thing last year.