Bad Teacher (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

Life Science

1 - (rattling doorknob) - Uh-uh.
No, no, no, no! This is my guest house! Why don't you find your own place to go to the bathroom? Come on, Meredith.
You know Brie won't let the help in the house.
This isn't fair, man.
Lupe blew up her burrito in my microwave yesterday.
And you guys use all the toilet paper, which doesn't just steal itself from my job, by the way.
(knocking on door) Oh, my God! Hi, Mere-bear.
(Gasps) Oh, no, a leaf blower? Did you have to get a second job? Brie, isn't there any other place your staff can take their breaks? - I'm sorry, Mere.
They track mud all over.
- Yes.
Yeah, but if I was okay with that type of filth, I'd get a dog.
And then, there'd be a dog person in here, too, so - You're welcome.
- Um Listen, Frank and I are going away this weekend, and I was hoping you could watch Lily.
Brie, it's like you've forgotten that I'm your best friend, and you invited me to live here while I recovered from my extremely upsetting divorce.
We'd pay you, of course.
Well, no amount of money is gonna Wow.
It's really heavy.
Some's for you, some's for Lily's food, and there's an extra hundred in there to buy her something so she knows we feel bad about missing the science fair.
You know, something that says, "You're my favorite" (whispers): And thank God only "stepdaughter.
" - Right.
- Okay.
Uh-uh, Lupe.
You are not microwaving that in here.
But it's muy frio.
Yeah, and it is "mow-we, mow-we" annoying! Oh, hi.
What's that? You got toilet paper in there? You steal from your job, I steal from mine.
(sighs) I got to find a new place to live.
You, uh, searching the kids' emergency contacts for dads' phone numbers again? Well, I need a rich dad, and it's an emergency.
If I don't meet someone, like, right now, I'm gonna have to pay for my own place to live.
And that's expensive.
They want first and last month's rent, plus security.
It's, like, for what? When I break the light fixture trying to hang myself? Hey, if you want to crash with me, my mom and my sisters, I'll give you the futon, and I can sleep on the treadmill.
It's not as bad as it sounds, because the incline actually helps my acid reflux, so Bingo! Katie Shaw, two parents addresses.
That means divorced.
"Hi, Dr.
Shaw! Katie fell down a well, and you need to get here as soon as possible"" Too much? Okay, folks, quick heads up.
I will be training Kim in fight prevention this week.
And I am proud to report, we have not had a fight in over a month here at Nixon Middle.
- Yay-oh! - The key is not to call them fights.
So, we have had four skirmishes, two tussles and half a fracas.
And now I yield the floor to our two co-chairs of the Tournament of Little Scientists, Ginny and Irene.
Irene! Thank you.
Irene and I are very excited to be co-chairing for our seventh year in a row.
No seven year itch here, right, Irene? Right.
We're so happy, because this year Anyway, as most of you know, we equally divide the duties.
So, if you need help with awards distribution, talk to me.
And if you need help with name tags, check-in, bathroom maintenance, sawdust for vomit incidents, or my personal specialty pest removal then you just come talk to me.
Okeydokey, see you all tomorrow, 9:00 a.
Tomorrow's Saturday! I don't even get out of bed on Saturdays, unless it is to get someone in my bed on Saturdays.
Okay, normally, you would have my sympathy.
Actually, no, you wouldn't.
But don't worry.
It's it's not that bad.
Hey, can you keep a secret? We bet big on the Little Scientists.
Which some would say is immoral, but you have no morals, so, welcome to our pool! Thank you.
Nobody outside the coaching staff or the woodshop guys knows about this.
Everybody put in $400.
Last year, - Coach Donnie here won five G's.
- What? Yeah, but then, I doubled down on the spelling bee, got screwed.
Now I live at the YMCA.
MEREDITH: All right.
That's steep.
But I need a new apartment.
Got to spend money to make money.
- I'm in.
- What, you just have 400 bucks on you? Yeah, well, I'm baby-sitting Lily over the weekend, and it's for food.
Oh! I just decided we're on a cleanse.
No food needed! Ah, nice business plan.
Up high.
- Proceed.
- Okay.
So you got to pick a winner for each round.
But figuring out which kid is gonna come out on top of the whole tournament that's what's gonna win you the entire pool.
So I just pick the smartest kid to win, right? I mean, you could, but a lot of people do that, and then you'll have to be splitting the pot a bunch of ways, and then, you won't even have enough money to cover first month's rent, or the garbage bag to move your stuff in.
So, what am I supposed to do? Okay, so, the way to win the pool and to not have to split it is you got to pick a kid nobody else thinks can win.
And then make sure they win.
Got it.
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! I decided to start today so you could get a dose of a normal day and a special event, like the science fair.
Because there will be a fight tomorrow.
The dirty little secret is, when bullies aren't around, nerds are total bastards.
You don't have to tell me that.
I went to Space Camp.
The key is to recognize the fight hot spots.
That north wall that's close to the computer lab.
That's where all the dorks hang out.
But it also borders the gym, which sets up a lot of jock-on-dork violence.
- Now, this eastern corridor - Oh.
this is where the goths exit the darkroom, and they infringe on the drama geeks.
But their fights are mostly slapping, crying, the occasional poetry slam.
Finally, there are the unclaimed.
These are the students that don't fit in to any particular category.
They cling to the outside of my office in their fearful way, desperately avoiding the attacks of all other factions.
There's nobody sadder than the unclaimed.
Just having my lunch.
- (school bell ringing) - MEREDITH: Lily! What's up, L-dog? Just us girls this freak-end! So, no partying tonight, okay? We got to break it down study-style, so you can for sure win the science tournament tomorrow, right? I don't know.
It's gonna be hard without my dad there.
Last year, I lost in the first round because I got nervous.
And he's been working on it with me, but, I still thought he was gonna come for moral support.
Well, I'm gonna be there, and I can help you.
- Why would you want to help? - I love science.
Air, water, the continents.
So, what is your project about and what are its chances of winning? - Well, my project is awesome.
- Oh, good.
I took two plants, and I gave them sun and water.
But I gave one special attention to see if it would grow more.
Is this plant gonna have to point out on a plant doll where you touched it? - I just talked to it.
- Mm-hmm.
And sang to it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, okay.
I may hugged it twice.
But that's not the point.
It grew a lot.
Great! This is gonna be so good for both of us.
What are you gonna wear? (gasps) We should get blowouts.
Um, it's a science fair.
It's about the science.
Okay, I'm gonna go give the opening remarks.
Uh, awesome.
I was actually thinking there's a few things I could throw in that Irene, we divide duties.
I give the opening remarks because I'm a natural public speaker.
And look at what a great job you did on these floors.
You are a natural linoleum polisher.
Thank you.
Thank you.
JOEL: I saw your bracket.
I think Lily is a great choice.
She is.
She's gonna win the whole thing.
And she didn't even need my help.
Also, last night, I went online, I found the perfect apartment.
And it's across the street from a Porsche dealership.
So, all the rich guys are gonna have two great options for their midlife crisis.
(Clicks tongue) Ooh! I keep my fertilizer in a warm place in my back uh, yard.
Uh - Oh, God, she's freezing up.
- Okay, yeah, hold on.
- Maybe she'll pull it out.
- LILY: Okay.
This this plant grew more than that one.
Or maybe not.
That selfish bitch.
GINNY: Okay.
Thank you, Lily.
And next, we are going to be moving over to see Lily's competition, Victor Hu.
When he's ready, he'll show us his project, growing a whole starfish from a single arm.
I mean, there is no way Lily's sad presentation is gonna beat Victor Hu.
Well, that's what teachers are for make kids beat themselves.
Victor, hi.
Walk with me.
Did you know I dated a doctor? He gave me lots of stuff.
Most of which went away with medication.
Don't worry about it.
But he also gave me this a pad of presigned doctor's notes.
- Okay, I really have to get back to - Yeah.
How much do you hate gym class? Because I can make that go away.
(Laughs) Yeah.
I set out to grow an entire starfish from a single arm.
It didn't work.
(crowd murmuring) Oh, well.
JOEL: Maybe next year, guys.
All right.
The craziest thing just happened.
Victor Hu just choked.
Well, at least, he's doing better than the formerly star-shaped fella in here.
Ugh! I mean, is there anything you won't do to win? A gym teacher.
Advancing to the next round will be Lily Parker.
(applause) Yes! We did it! You told me you had this tournament in the bag.
But you don't.
That's okay, because you have 15 minutes before you go on again, and I know what to do.
Tensions run high at special school events.
Kids are out of their element.
You've got parents, teachers it is a powder keg.
- I'm scared.
- Fear is good.
Keeps you on your toes.
But you want to protect yourself at all times, or before you know it, you'll be getting your nurples purpled.
And you have not known shame until you have to write the word "nurple" on an insurance form.
- GIRL: Ha-ha.
Nice backpack.
- Kim, you hear that? A girl giving another girl a compliment is never sincere.
No one ever had a nice backpack.
Come on! There's gonna be a girl fight, and you are gonna break it up.
Girls are the most brutal.
Get in there, drop an expression of dominance on them.
I like to throw a little Batman voice in there; really send the message home.
KIM: Um Hey, ladies.
I couldn't help - but notice - (bystanders gasp) Gentlewomen, end this now.
(deep voice): Or you'll find out how I will end it.
GIRL: Sorry, Principal Carl.
I knew I wasn't cut out for this.
Well, you tried, Kim.
That's the most important part of fight prevention.
And life.
Wow, so many things are about one thing and also about life.
I love to make dip.
(Ginny giggles) Oh, yes.
And glasses.
Oh, you look so smart.
Lost and Found comes through again.
Just don't use condoms from there.
Trish Kelly learned that lesson freshman year.
That lesson just turned 12.
I don't know about all this stuff.
It it feels wrong.
Someday you're gonna learn that anything worth doing feels wrong.
And we're not changing the data.
We're just zhuzzing up how we say it.
It's like science on cocaine.
Which is not cool.
"Don't do drugs.
" Ready to see me win some money? I fixed Lily's presentation.
My stepmom and dad said I couldn't get a puppy.
So they got me a plant.
(everyone awwing sympathetically) LILY: Life gave me lemons, and I made science.
(rock music begins) (whooping) I showered one plant with attention to see if it would grow bigger - Science, science, science - and better than this one.
So do you want to see it? - Yeah! - (Cheering) I can't hear you.
Who wants to see it? - (cheering) - Here is the plant that love built! (cheering) Heck, yeah, it worked! By a whopping 140 millimeters.
(cheering and applause) That is, uh that's pretty impressive.
She killed it.
Thank you.
I I want to announce this one.
Uh, too late 'cause I already have the clipboard.
But you can announce the garbage cans are empty after you've emptied them.
Oh, and cute wig.
And moving on to the next round is Lily and her amazing plant! (cheering and applause) Hey-o! (Joel whoops) Wait, why are you cheering? What? I picked a long shot to win, too.
My loser? But you know I need that money They clapped for me.
- Aren't you happy? - I'm so happy.
But, apparently, I'm splitting my happiness two ways.
Walk, walk, walk.
I can't believe you piggybacked on my long shot.
I need this.
What do you need the money for? A fancy whistle? Formal sweatpants? I'm actually helping my mom with her cataract surgery.
- Aw - And/or getting a new PlayStation.
Well, then get a better job.
Look at me.
I don't belong here.
I used to have everything, and now I'm basically living in the guest house of my old life.
An apartment for me isn't just a place to do filthy things with rich men it's my chance to start over.
So, sorry if I don't care about some gym teacher's mom's broken eyes.
This money means I can move out and finally start over.
I found Lily, I got her here, I deserve to win the pool.
Find your own nobody to bet on.
And now our first Little Scientists finalist, Lily Parker.
(whoops) People say plants just need sunlight and water and whatever.
But people are dumb and hurt other people Time out! Time out! (Chuckles) Time out.
Can I talk to you? What are you doing? You're blowing everything.
You only care 'cause you're betting on me.
There are no time-outs in science.
The pressure is getting to her.
(gasps) I have got just the thing for you.
Go get half a benzo out of Sally Kimball's desk.
And make sure you replace it with a Tic Tac so she doesn't know any are missing.
And make sure you don't take any of the eight Tic Tacs that are already in there.
Now scat.
Principal Carl, Ms.
Davis and Coach Kotsky are betting on the science fair.
They don't care about the tournament or the kids in it.
Lily, wait You're not going anywhere, Ms.
Betting on a school function? That is unacceptable.
Okay, okay.
Here's the truth.
Joel's running everything, so you should really be focusing your anger on him, not me.
And don't listen to his sob story about his mom's broken eyes.
CARL: Illegal wagering on a school event? - Really? - JOEL: We don't we don't call it gambling.
You know, w we see it more as an experiment in probability.
Coach Kotsky, don't you dare try and put lipstick on this pig.
I'm confiscating that pool money when this is over.
I am very disappointed that you have tarnished the good name of Richard Nixon Middle School.
This is why I have to bug all of the offices.
Now let's get back to the fair.
Lily, when you told me about your project on the bus, I thought it sounded good.
I thought you could win.
- Yeah, we both did.
- Yeah, but I thought so first and he cheated off me.
LILY: Just let me pack up.
It's over.
I bet on you because I believe in you.
I know people say that to kids all the time, but I mean it.
I put my money where my mouth is.
Money is way more valuable than free words.
Lily, we could sit here and argue about how Ms.
Davis feels about you, but we both know how she feels about money.
(chuckles) She does like money.
- I do.
I - She loves it.
It's one of her likes on Facebook.
Look, your project, talking to plants, in the real world, is so sad.
Like "Benihana-for-one" sad.
But here it's great.
So don't you want to go in there and try to win? Because I really think you can.
I know I can.
Good girl.
"Benihana for one.
" That is that is very sad.
I once heard Carl make a reservation there for one, and it stuck with me.
LILY: Is positive attention as essential as sun, food and water to grow? As of last night, my plant had grown 140 millimeters more than that one.
What gives, Fingerprints? I'm presenting this.
Every year, I get stuck with all the terrible jobs.
And you know what? I'm the science teacher.
These are my star students.
And I am announcing the winner.
And if you don't like it, you can have your own fair.
Oh, wait, a stupid history fair? No one would give a (whispers): rat's hindquarters.
And today my plant grew an additional two millimeters.
Nurturing is the key to growing your plants.
And you know what? It works with people, too.
You know, she's talking about me.
I'd like to dedicate this to my dad.
- Ooh.
- (Applause) I don't see him here.
I understand that you're upset.
But I am presenting this trophy.
- Oh, Irene, no.
- Oh, yes, I am.
- Really - Excuse me.
Not now, Kim.
Yes, now.
Dear teachers for whom I have a deep admiration Um, Batman voice.
(deep, growly voice): The kids are watching.
Is this what you want them to see? - Wow.
- Kim's James Earl Jones impression is right.
- It is? - Yes, it is, Kim.
I'm very proud of you.
I knew you could do it.
Well, it just took you believing in me and a Tic Tac from Sally Kimball.
I think it was a Tic Tac.
I don't know.
I feel terrible, Irene.
I guess I was just working so hard that I lost sight of how hard you were working, too.
Maybe even a scootch more than me, so you should announce the winner.
Oh, no, Ginny.
You should announce the Okay, great! The winner of the 2014 Tournament of Little Scientists is Lily Parker! (cheering and applause) I told you.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thanks.
I never thought I could win.
But are you mad that you didn't get any money? - I know you wanted to move.
- Oh.
That was barely enough for a studio.
It's like, what am I, a runaway? - It was nice having you here.
- Thanks.
But I'm still mad at Dad and Brie, though.
Go easy on them, okay? And, remember, your biological mother's a total nightmare, too.
- Anyway, go show your friends your trophy.
- All right.
- Congratulations.
- JOEL: I'm I'm really sorry we bet on the science fair.
You know, it won't happen again.
Well, it was nice seeing the kids and the teachers wrapped up in this one together.
- Now hand over the cash.
- (Groans) Ugh Sixty-five dollars! That is quite a haul.
You know what? I'm gonna give this to the kids.
- Wow.
- MEREDITH: Oh, God.
Because I've actually been trying to raise money to fix the Nixon mural.
- That is a fantastic idea.
Here you go.
- (Gasps) Thank you.
(clears throat) It's it's $100.
(clicks tongue) Looks like I'm gonna have to contribute the rest.
- That's so cool.
- (Chuckles) Well, use it wisely.
That is my Benihana money.
- Okay, that felt wrong.
- Well that's how you know it was worth doing.
This is your payback, moneygrabber Looks like you showed your plant some love and she grew.
Don't be weird.
Where's my money? I always thought I'd be leaving this on your dresser.
So, what are you gonna do with it? Well, it's not enough to move out, but, uh I have some ideas.
(rattling doorknob) LOUIS: Miss Meredith? Sweetie, my key's not working.
Did you change the locks? Lupe has to heat up her soup.
Oh, no.
Too bad.
Better tell Lupe to start packing some sandwiches.