Bad Teacher (2013) s01e12 Episode Script

The Bottle

1 Hello, everyone.
Guys Hello? Um Everyone Uh, Kim, how long have you been trying to get everyone's attention? I guess my whole life.
JOEL: No, in here.
Like, right now.
Like ten minutes.
Hold this.
(toots whistle) Um, you guys, my parents were so excited that I passed the teacher's exam that they gave me their credit card to celebrate.
And I was like, "What?" And they were like, "Yeah".
And I was like, "Really?" And they were like, "Yes, Kim, we're scientists.
We don't make jokes.
" Well, you should just take your friends out to dinner or something.
Could we all do Friday? - Ooh - MEREDITH: Wait, us? No, no, no, no.
I meant real friends.
- Like people you see at night.
- Oh, I don't see anyone at night.
I got to get my 16 hours of sleep.
I heard that.
So who is in? I'm in! I can go.
I'm in! Okay, Mr.
Pilaf, you can come.
I just have to make sure it's okay with my wives.
Wives? Hmm.
What about you, Meredith? Oh.
Um, Friday's actually my 30th birthday.
Oh! Oh, my gosh.
Happy birthday! Whoa! - Dirty 30! - (groans) Don't ever say that.
Yeah, I'm gonna be spending it with a 30-year-old bottle of champagne my ex-husband gave me.
And my best friend from college, Alex, is flying in from Dallas.
She's amazing.
She's, like, a total queen bee of our group.
I basically hate everybody except for her.
Why don't you bring her to Kim's dinner? MEREDITH: I can't do that for so many reasons.
Mainly because I'm planning a little intimate birthday, about 100 old friends on a yacht.
Everybody thought I was so down and out after Ray divorced me, but they're about to see that Meredith Davis cannot be held down for long.
Unless I want to be.
And there's a safe word.
- What? - CARL: Oh, hey, can you change your party to another night? I'm available Saturday, Sunday, the rest of the week and the whole month.
And, uh, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Oh, no.
I can't move it.
So bummed.
Then, Kim, could you move your party? That way we could MEREDITH: No.
Don't move it.
I mean, I would feel terrible.
This is Kim's night! Oh.
I wish we could do both.
It feels weird not celebrating with Mer Edith.
- Meredith.
- JOEL: Well, we could just swing by after.
We will be dressed up.
Now we have to dress up? No, no, no, no, no, no.
You guys go celebrate with Kim, such an accomplishment, that thing that she did, that she was, uh, talking about - earlier.
- (Phone rings) Oh.
Jerry, how's my yacht looking? Covered in streamers yet? We have to cancel the party.
- Wait, what? - My boss didn't know you and Ray got divorced.
Now, when he approved the free rental, he thought he was doing it for the wife of So Cal's biggest yacht dealer.
Now, if you could get Ray's new girlfriend Mitzi to put in a good word for you, then we'd be cooking with gas.
I invited 100 people, Jerry.
Is there anything you can give me? How do you feel about spending your birthday on a Sea-Doo? - Jerry! - I'm sorry.
At least you got that 30-year-old bottle of champagne Ray got for you.
(sighs) (phone rings) - Hello? - BRIE: Hey, Mere-bear, so Ray refuses to give back the champagne.
I'm sorry.
At least you have the yacht.
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Nah-nah, nah-nah I am a fascination I'm here to blow your mind I'll give 'em education Give me the wine and dine Hey! Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! Hi.
Is this the Eastmore Hotel? Yes, hi.
I was groped there earlier today, and I'm willing to not press charges if you let me use the ballroom for free on Friday night.
Hello? Hel (clicks tongue) JOEL: Hey.
What's wrong? Well, I lost the yacht for my birthday party.
So much for showing everybody I'm still somebody.
And Ray's refusing to give me the champagne that he bought me.
It was a gift.
(groans) Classic public school teacher problems.
You know, you should just come out with us Friday night.
- Kim's taking us all to Winston's.
- Winston's? - Yeah.
- That's one of the best steak houses in the country.
I know.
They serve Kobe beef from cows that were only fed Kobe beef.
- Oh.
- Apparently Kim's family is pretty loaded.
They are? Kimmy.
(Chuckles) Hi, you.
I've been thinking a lot about your dinner.
Uh, weird.
I've been thinking a lot about your breakfast.
How many Tic Tacs do you usually eat? It may be my birthday, but you only pass that important teaching test once.
And I just hate thinking about you guys celebrating without me.
I'll let Winston's know.
We're having special cows flown in.
No, I think we need to do something bigger to celebrate you, not just some steak dinner with the gang.
Something huge that you pay for.
Okay (clears throat) Describe to me - your ideal party.
- Well, I'm wearing this exact fit, but my side pony is braided and teased.
Celine Dion is there, but she doesn't have to sing unless she wants to, which I hope she does, but no pressure.
There is a dance floor, but I won't dance on account of my vertigo.
But I will limbo.
Great! Okay, so everything you're saying to me points directly to a yacht party.
I'll take care of all the details you just give me your credit card info.
Whenever you're ready.
But I just said I get vertigo.
What about having a party at Juanita's? That's got a casual- yet-festive atmosphere, and I could invite a bunch more teachers.
Um sure.
It's just that somebody suggested yacht partying, and I feel like Oh, my doctor would never allow it.
How about a dance club? Strobe lights affect my seasonal depression.
- Rooftop bar.
- Oh, I'm scared of heights.
- Underground wine cellar.
- Oh, I'm scared of depths.
Juanita's it is! (forced laugh) Oh, um You wouldn't mind if I invite a few friends, would you? - To celebrate me passing the test? - Yeah.
I have some friends that are super interested in education.
You are gonna love them.
Peas in a pod! Hello? - Hey! - (Laughter) - Wow, you guys sure are prompt.
- KIM: A balloon bouquet? For me? Oh, thank you so much! I'm gonna go put these in water.
Man, look at these decorations.
Why? What's wrong with it? It's fantastic.
It's ridiculous! I mean, a dinner with friends is one thing, but this is just too much.
Pride cometh before the fall.
That's why my parents burned all my graduation gifts in the backyard barbecue pit.
Uh, this is an open bar, though, right? Yep, I already checked.
Oh, Meredith.
We got you a present.
Did not want your birthday to go unrecognized.
Oh, God, it is my birthday, isn't it? I just keep forgetting.
PILAF (chuckles): We all pitched in.
Except for Irene, who's still in Reno at the Ferret Nationals, whatever that is.
I hope everyone realizes how important this party is to Kim, and shows up, and aren't disappointed that it's not on a boat.
Michael and I showed up for my Semester at Sea, and it was moved to a double-wide trailer in a parking lot next to the football stadium because of budget reasons.
It was a wonderful four months.
KIM: Check it out, guys! A piñata! I know what you're thinking.
Yes, I made it by hand, and yes, the eyes are inspired by Ginny.
PILAF (chuckles): Gorgeous.
Just gorgeous.
KIM: Ginny, do you like the piñata? If I'm gonna hit a donkey with a stick, I want it to go faster, not give me candy.
MEREDITH: You know what, I think I found the perfect place for that piñata in the kitchen! (laughing) Are you ready? - WOMAN: Hey.
- MEREDITH: Oh, excuse me, but they don't serve skanky-ass sluts here.
Then why are you holding a drink? (happy screams, laughing) Hot bitch sandwich! Alex, you look amazing.
Oh, thank you.
You, too.
That's Meredith's old best friend! The queen bee of her group I cannot wait to meet her.
Hi! You guys Look at how hysterical this place is, right? Just silly and fun.
Purely intentional.
All irony, all the time.
I guess they're going to get drinks before the introductions.
You kitschy little bitch.
- I love theme parties.
- Yeah, - it's a theme.
- It's like when we were poor in college and we could barely afford food.
(laughs): Yeah! Yeah, that's why we didn't eat.
(laughter) Hey, who were those people you were talking to when we walked in? Are they other friends? Those are just coworkers who crashed.
What are you gonna do? I'm so happy you're here.
Oh, this is great, Meredith.
Honestly, when I heard your party was moving from a yacht to a Mexican restaurant, I was afraid I was gonna have to fake another ruptured implant.
(laughs): Oh, no.
Hey, that's what you said when you had to miss Lily's Bat Mitzvah.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Honey, that was real.
- Oh.
(gasps) MEREDITH: Karen, Lisa, Denise, Paul.
Paul's new boyfriend.
Paul's ex-wife.
You made up! Oh, my God! I'm so happy you're at my super fun campy party! Yay! Mwa! Oh, who's Kim? Typo.
- Perfect! - (Laughing) Who are all these people with Meredith? And isn't that Lily's stepmom, Brie? Does anybody else think this is weird? Meredith asked if she could bring a few friends.
- Really? - ALL: Happy birthday, Meredith! (yells) (people cheering) Hey-hey, hi.
Kim said you invited a few friends.
These are a few friends? Yep.
And they're all here to celebrate Kim.
I mean, they're giving her her space you know, 'cause she's just so busy hosting but yeah, I mean, they're all here for her.
Okay, and what about the the cake? Oh, that's for me and Kim.
JOEL: Really.
Hey, uh, you're here to celebrate Kim, right? Who's Kim? Exactly.
Enjoy your drinks, ladies.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Ginny, where do you think I should put the piñata? I don't care.
This is over the top.
But piñatas are fun.
No, they aren't.
You put a lot of work into a piñata.
You let it into your life.
You fill it with candy.
You grow attached to it.
And then one day it just leaves.
Wait, I see what's going on here.
You don't understand piñatas at all.
You're sad about losing Kim.
What?! No, I'm not.
Student teachers like her are a dime a dozen.
I'm happy Kim is becoming a teacher.
I just don't think you have to throw her a parade to celebrate it.
I'm just a humble math teacher, but you should tell her how you feel.
I'm not a hippie.
Who asked you? Hey, hey, hey.
Alex? That's right.
I'm sorry? I'm Meredith's new best friend Carl.
I'm sure you heard about me.
Principal Carl? Carl Gaines.
Carl Maurice Gaines? - Sorry.
- Divorced buddy, chocolate thunder.
No, nothing.
You do look familiar.
- I do? - Yeah.
- Do you vacation in the Hamptons? - Oh, always.
Love Hampton Inns, but I do not know how they're making money, handing out those free waffles every morning.
That was Alex.
Hey, do you mind moving down? I I'm sorry.
A few more down.
Sorry, we're gonna need to squeeze a couple more in.
There are no seats left.
There's a table against the wall.
Excuse me.
Can you move these coats? We need the space.
Our coats are using this table.
Can't you just put 'em somewhere else, like on the backs - of your chairs? - Look, I hate that Meredith saved seats for her besties and forgot about her random coworkers.
Thanks for understanding.
Meredith, this party is so campy and fun.
Right? Yeah.
Everyone's talking about you.
And not in the usual mean, catty, behind-your-back way.
- In, like, an awesome way.
- Yeah.
- Everybody's here.
- And everybody is having a blast.
We miss you so much.
Thank you.
I really needed to hear that.
This is ridiculous! Here.
You know what? Grab the rest.
We'll put 'em in the coat room.
Good idea, Kotsky.
I am too old to eat Mexican food standing up.
Um, Brie told me you stole their coats.
No, we put 'em in the entryway.
They're right over there.
You cannot move people's stuff.
For me, it was a classic peer pressure situation.
(Pilaf laughs) Why are you blowing this for me? It's not your party.
It's Kim's party.
I need this.
I'm 30, and I hate where my life is at.
Everyone at the country club has been referring to me as "you-know-who.
" The last "you-know-who" was a dentist who knocked out his patients and used their hands to fondle himself.
But tonight, I'm back in a big way.
And besides, Kim's having fun.
This is probably the best party she ever had.
This is probably the best party I've ever had! If you're really one of these people - I am one of these people.
- Then why are you working so hard to prove it? We are the ones who like you for who you are.
They like me for who I am.
All I know is that we would've come to your party even if that meant buying our own drinks.
Hey, I finally remembered where I know you from.
- Facebook.
- I'm pretty sure you and I aren't friends unless You aren't the San Diego Chicken, are you? I saw you on Meredith's page.
She posted this video of you a few months ago.
(laughs) "Hilarious Crying Dude" ? (crying) (low sigh) (laughing): You're so funny.
(coughs twice) Just like we talked about, Toby.
I'll make it quick.
Guys, I'm gonna try out the piñata.
Hey, hey.
Watch this.
What is she gonna do? KIM: Hey, guys, look! (gasps) Oh! Kim! Are you okay? I think so.
Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't celebrating you, but I'm just so sad about losing you.
You're the best student teacher I've ever had.
And I love piñatas.
Oh, Ginny! Okay! Ooh da! She's fine.
She's fine.
Nothing made it into her eyes.
Seriously, what is wrong with you guys? You move the piñata up and down.
That's the game.
That's the game, Joel.
Gosh, Meredith, your coworkers - take themselves way too seriously.
- (Laughs): Yeah.
I'm ready to go.
I'm so cold.
Let's go.
Guys? I'd rather be Ron's plus one at home than a Facebook joke here.
Yeah, that's right, Meredith.
I saw "Hilarious Crying Dude".
And personally, I would've called it "The Strong Black Man Shows His Emotions".
But nobody cares what I think.
And I did put that in the comment section.
Well, I guess you got the party you wanted.
Don't worry.
I'm leaving the tab open for you and your friends.
It seems important to you.
Happy birthday.
BRIE: I'm so glad all your coworkers left.
Yeah, they were really bringing the party down.
Yeah, like, who brings a piñata to someone else's party? It's so rude.
It's, like, she took over your whole thing.
Yeah, on a night like tonight.
Mere, this is your night.
Yeah, it's my night.
Mere, we should open presents! BOTH: Yay! Yay.
(gasps) You got Ray to give me back my bottle of champagne? - You knew how much this meant to me.
- No.
Your jerk of an ex-husband still won't give it back.
Then who bought this? Those teachers got you this? "Cash for Gold" had a busy day.
(both laugh) What is your guys' problem with them? We don't have a problem with them.
They're just different.
You know what? I really don't feel like celebrating anymore.
Well, we were gonna hit another party.
Do you not want to come? Yeah, I think I better just call it a night.
Hey, everybody! Follow Brie and Alex to the next party.
This tab is closed.
Thanks for coming.
It's fine.
What? Is she serious? Ugh.
You're turning 30.
So, we brought out our Birthday Bombo.
(playing drum) Happy birthday from Juanita's to you - Olé! - Okay.
(teachers yelling and cheering) More taffy?! Piñatas are so awesome! You know, when you think about Mexico, you think about the cartels, but this is the other side of it.
Can I have another turn? Of course, Kim, it's your party.
Come on, Kim! - Go, Kim! - (Whoops) MAN: Hi, excuse me? Somebody order from Winston's? We got a bunch of Kobe steaks here.
Sweet miracle, Kim, you're like an angel from heaven.
If it wouldn't cost me my job, I would kiss you all over your face.
Uh, it wasn't me.
They're from me.
We should've just done what Kim wanted to do all along.
I made tonight about myself, and it really should've been about Kim.
Thank you, Meredith.
I don't know how I can (shushes) Not yet.
I'm still talking.
I've been trying so hard to get back to who I was that I forgot that where I am isn't so terrible.
I'm glad you're here.
I know Alex was the queen bee of your group, but you're the queen bee of ours.
JOEL: Somehow you've brought us all closer together, you skanky-ass slut.
- Aw, so sweet.
- Aw! And I know Kim didn't mean to invite me that I just happened to be in the teachers' lounge but I'm glad she did.
This has truly been the greatest night of my life.
Okay! - I'll drink to that.
- (Whoops) (all cheering) You got the cups? Okay.
I'm sorry about the Facebook stuff, seriously.
I mean, it was the first week of school.
We weren't close yet.
Yeah, I saw the date.
I know you'd never do something like that.
Not now that we're best friends.
Did you see how many likes it got? Five hundy? You mean I've gone viral? Carl Maurice Gaines has gone viral.
(laughs) Thank you.
Thank you.
Happy birthday, Meredith! - Yeah, happy birthday! - (All whooping) MAN: Seems like you're having a private moment, so I really just need a signature.
I literally never thought I would end up in a middle school teachers' lounge on my 30th birthday.
Oh, were you picturing the cafetorium? Because, you know, it's probably still unlocked.
- (cell phone ringing) - You want me to go check? Is that the, uh the bitch sandwich? Uh, yeah.
What do they want? - Another chance.
- Oh.