Bad Teacher (2013) s01e13 Episode Script

What's Old is New

1 Breakfast, breakfast.
In you go, in you go.
Oh, James Pfaff, standardized testing day.
Everybody eats breakfast.
- I already ate breakfast.
- Then have an orange juice.
Well, I find orange juice to be the most pedestrian of the major juices.
James, your voice is changing, things are gonna get not-cute fast, okay? I'd suggest you dig deep and find a less annoying personality.
Now go do these flash cards at your table.
Now go.
Hmm.
Taking these tests pretty seriously.
Did three ghosts visit you last night? Yeah, well, maybe I just want my kids to score well so they don't become gym teachers.
Yeah, I'm sure your commitment has nothing to do with the end-of-the-year bonuses that teachers get based on the scores.
Don't you have a test? Oh, sorry, that's right nobody cares about gym.
Um, ever heard of the Presidential Fitness Test? The president cares.
The president.
Oh, Joel.
My sweet, dumb, hot Joel.
I need to talk.
Carla is coming.
Your ex-wife, Carla? Yes, Carla, Carla.
She works for the state testing agency.
She's gonna be proctoring the tests all week.
You know, I met Carla when she was giving a test.
I asked her out on a Scantron sheet.
It was A) very romantic.
B) weird.
Or C) sad.
Oh, no, you're right.
It was D) two of the above.
I'm a wreck.
I haven't seen Carla in months.
You can do this.
Look, I haven't spoken to my ex since I moved out, but Ray's been texting me.
And you're just telling me this now? Well, I haven't told anyone.
But I am your best friend.
What does he want? To cheat on his new girlfriend.
I guess.
Look, I've dreamed of him crawling back to me, but I have not responded to him once.
You didn't text back? Very strong.
Our exes don't have power over us anymore.
Boom! I have a plan.
Let's go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ooh! Now the Goodwill won't take it back.
(laughing): I'd better hang up, don't want to make the president jealous.
Sorry.
That was, uh, Michelle Obama.
She called to congratulate me on a job well done.
Boy, can she talk.
God, you're inspiring.
LILY: Can I have your autograph? BRONWEN: Can I have your handprints in wet concrete? Will you be my new dad? Let me check my schedule.
Carl? Carla? The board told you I was coming.
I guess it slipped my mind.
CARLA: Yeah, right.
Can you get me coffee? Starbucks.
A real venti.
I know you ask for a Grande in a venti cup.
Thank you.
Stay strong.
Like I did with Ray.
Yes, Carla.
I'll get you coffee.
It's something about our exes.
They always have power over you.
Not Ray.
Don't fool yourself.
And a not-stale blueberry scone.
I got to go.
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! Okay, everyone.
Today begins standardized testing week.
Schools are made and unmade during this time.
Just go ask Roosevelt Middle.
Or, as they now call it, the parking lot behind Costco Express.
This is our testing agency rep, Carla Gaines.
Now, you might notice that she and I have the same last name.
- That is because - Actually, it's Allen.
It's Carla Allen now.
Oh, so you went back to your maiden name.
I thought you always liked Gaines.
People say it has a regal quality.
Regal? Your family was sued for bootlegging Sprite.
Okay, Carla will be proctoring the exams.
Okay, I know no one likes testing.
I love testing.
Standardized tests are my hobby.
I am part of an online enthusiast group.
Oh you're one of them.
Oh, I get it.
Some of my best friends are odd white people.
All right, for those of you who are not familiar with the testing world because you actually have lives, here are the headlines: give the kids pencils and your job is done.
Folks, we're starting with social studies.
What-what! (bell rings) Ree-Ree.
How was Ferret Nationals? Any hooking up? Oh, well, Francis met a pretty sexy sable with pointed tips Oh, you meant me.
Uh, yeah, but you watched ferrets have sex, didn't you? (softly laughs): No no.
If that video is on your phone, delete it.
And let's grab a coffee while I'm here this week.
Irene.
So, you stayed friends with Carla even after the divorce? You saw how much she hurt him.
Oh, well I I mean, I met Carla before I even knew Carl.
We're in a fantasy league together, fantasy school board league.
I won the whole thing last year.
Superintendant Charles was a beast.
(Chuckles) Irene, you have to pick a side in a breakup.
You're either with Carl or against him.
Oh, okay, fine, fine, but I just I don't even know how I would break up with Carla.
Oh, I have broken up with lots of friends, I can help.
Okay, good.
This is gonna come as a surprise, but I have not done a lot of breaking up in my life.
I'm a little odd.
My grandma used to say, "You're a weirdo, Irene.
Save your money".
Mine, too.
Ah.
So, how'd your kids do on the test? They said it was easy.
I'm proud of them.
They worked hard.
I mean, I made them work hard, so I deserve all the credit, but still.
I think those little dummies really came through.
Ooh.
I'd say slow down, but I prefer you get drunk and do something you'll regret.
Like a gym teacher? Maybe.
It's been a while.
Yeah, you've been with ol' Puffy Vest Janet.
I mean, how warm does her torso need to be? (laughing) We were late, and you don't want to ask for directions 'cause you said, "If I can't find my way to a Luther Vandross concert, what kind of black woman am I?é - Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- (Sighs) Two Dark 'N' Stormies.
Your drink is a Dark 'N' Stormy? - Yes, and, unfortunately, type of woman.
- Good to know.
MEREDITH (clears throat): You brought Carla? I hope you're not falling into old patterns.
No way.
Tonight I'm paying.
(phone chimes) Wow, that's a lot of texts.
It's, uh, it's Janet.
I'm not gonna respond.
Ugh.
Just break up with her already.
I'm trying.
I was hoping she'd just get the idea.
You need to be direct but kind.
(clears throat) Janet, you're super annoying and I can't stand to look at your face anymore.
- Bye! (Chuckles) - (phone chimes) Oh, and who's texting you? Wha Ray? Your ex-husband? Yes, but I haven't texted back.
First because my phone got turned off, but now because I'm not interested.
Then why haven't you responded? Hoping he just gets the idea? This is nothing like Janet, okay? - We were married and in love.
- And he cheated on you.
Okay, I'll make you a deal: you tell Ray to stop texting you and I'll break up with Puffy Vest.
So, deal? Deal.
Great.
Meet at my place in an hour.
Naked.
For sexy reasons.
But also because my AC is broken.
Oh, I missed that.
And this.
(laughs) Well, what can you say? I'm pretty great.
(both laugh) Don't you have any normal food here, like vodka? I broke up with Janet, you told Ray off.
- Let's drink the cheap stuff.
- (Gasps) Vodka in a plastic bottle? And Frat-o-ween 2003 cups? Wow, is this how you usually get the ladies to have a sleepover? Ooh, so you're sleeping over? Well, I've always wanted to see this place during the day and find out if this couch is brown or orange.
Well, technically, it's not a couch.
It's a pile of cinderblocks - with a sleeping bag thrown over it, but - (phone chimes) (chuckles) Anything important? Yes.
Irene got a new ferret.
Okay.
I gave you the cup that got the least melty at our last bonfire, so You're so good to me.
(laughs) Ugh, I don't know if I can do this.
I can't have fewer friends.
Twitter already thinks that I'm a robot.
You owe this to Carl.
And remember, no eye contact.
Eyes are anatomical beggars.
Here we go.
- Oh, Carla.
- Hey.
Hi.
It is with a heavy heart that I Oh, God, I made eye contact.
They are beggars.
What is going on? It is with a heavy heart that I deliver the following news.
MEREDITH: How about I reconsider when you're 18, okay? Now go.
Hey, sorry again you saw my pillow without the pillowcase.
(laughs) Ray? I thought you told this guy to get lost.
Joel, I'll call you later.
Uh, I left my lunch box here in 1973.
And, uh, I came to apologize for everything.
IRENE: Ginny.
Don't you feel so much better now that you've broken up with Carla? I always feel better, like, one less person to care about in a natural disaster.
Well, before I could get to the breaking up, Carla told me a secret.
Do not tell me, I am terrible at keeping secrets.
Ms.
Rogers is pregnant.
And my neighbor kisses her dog on the mouth.
- I've never been to Atlanta.
- Irene.
Tell me the secret.
Carla's engaged.
You have to tell Carl.
Have to tell him what? I'm not gonna make the, uh, faculty roundup.
Sparks are flying with Carla, she wants a private meeting.
Looks like I'll be spending my lunch hour writing a casual sonnet.
(clicks tongue) You can't tell Carl.
Damn it, woman, make up your mind.
I don't want to be the other woman.
I want you to be the only woman.
Wait, what are you saying? I I broke it off with Mitzi.
It was a mistake.
I know that.
It was just some embarrassing midlife crisis.
Ray, you left me with nothing.
I know, the prenup.
But I only did that 'cause all my friends did.
But I'm not like my friends.
I don't want three wives.
Just two.
You might have been my second wife, but you've always been my true love.
Please let me try to make it up to you.
No prenup this time.
It wasn't about the money, Ray.
- I'm at work.
- Well, come home.
I love you, Meredith.
I never stopped loving you.
Think about it.
(car door opens, engine starts) (wheels squeak) I was trapped.
Didn't want to interrupt.
Ray seems nice.
If it doesn't work out, can I tap that? (quietly): She'll like this right here.
You were right about putting the chairs next to my desk.
Now, when I meet with students, I'll be like the black Jimmy Kimmel which I've felt like for a long time.
Yeah.
You know, I wanted to talk to you about Meredith.
How long has she worked here? About six months, minus the week she was in Cabo doing missionary work.
Hmm.
And how well do you know her? Well, she was an emergency hire.
We met, we laughed, I cried, she came on board immediately.
Instant connection.
Just trusted the old gut.
You know you can't trust your gut, Carl.
You were Team Jacob.
Was I wrong? I haven't read Eclipse yet.
I've been on the library wait list for two years.
You got a real problem on your hands.
I know.
It's these teenagers they never return books.
No.
It's Meredith.
Okay, your "connection" may have clouded your judgment.
I have the results of her students' test scores.
Once we report these, the school board is gonna be all over you.
(gasps) Oh, thank God you're here.
You are not gonna believe this.
Ray came back.
(Pants) My head is spinning.
I I might have to take another missionary trip just to figure some of this stuff out, you know? Carla got the test results back.
We have a real problem on our hands, Ms.
Davis.
Why are you being so formal? Your students failed.
All of them.
But I worked so hard.
I mean, I really worked.
I didn't just say I was working.
Like, I really worked hard.
I made flash cards, I gave inspiring speeches, I stayed after class.
I gave them my real e-mail address.
You don't even have that.
I'm good at this, Carl.
I am.
The results are clear.
I'm sorry.
Carla was right.
Our connection clouded my judgment.
I'm not sure Nixon is for you.
Yeah, me neither.
Meredith I quit.
This isn't where I belong.
Hi, honey.
I'm home.
RAY (over intercom): Great, I'll buzz you in.
(door buzzes) I missed how long it takes for me to run into your arms.
I really can't believe you're here.
Mm.
Let me get you some wine.
Yolanda! I missed you.
I missed you.
I missed this beautiful fireplace Mm.
And beautiful furniture and beauti nice personality maid.
Yolanda, how are you? RAY: You really belong here, you know? Yeah.
It does feel like home.
Greetings, students.
Next week we have to retake the standardized social studies test.
And I'm gonna help teach you guys.
Where's Meredith? We gave her to a farm so she could run around and be free.
Meredith's dead? Hey.
Where's Meredith? I can't hold it in anymore.
She quit! I wanted my own class, but I didn't want it this way.
Wait, what? Well, she did move all of her stuff out of the guesthouse last night.
But she forgot her bag of oregano.
I'll take that.
I'm making lasagna tonight.
Where did she go? She chose Ray.
Now I'm never gonna get to tap that.
Kim, what are you talking about? She went to go tell Ray off.
I saw them in the parking lot.
She didn't look like she was telling him off.
I took a body language course at camp.
Why would she get back together with him? I thought she was happy here.
Sorry.
Wham, bam, here I am Goddess of the glitter and glam Yes, catch a breath, gotcha eating out of my hand Bam, thank you, ma'am MEREDITH: Oh where my tennis bitches at? Mere.
Did you get a job here, too? - Uh, no.
- W well, don't you have work? Or is it Saturday or Sunday or teacher work day or one of your sick weeks? From now on, every week's a sick week.
I'm back together with Ray.
Oh, my God! You are! Oh, thank God! It was impossible to replace you.
Replacement Meredith, you may go.
Yeah! (laughing) I can't believe Meredith left.
Do you think I'll stay friends with her? Ms.
Harris, the choir teacher, she said we'd still be friends when she became a dental hygienist, but now I only see her every six months.
Why would she throw away her teaching career for some rich guy? Aside from that being her unwavering plan from the beginning.
(grunts) Ah.
Hey, Carla.
How's it going? Good.
Except for the fact that all of Ms.
Davis' students failed the exam.
It's like the woman has no teaching experience whatsoever.
Oh.
How could you let Meredith quit? She was given a choice, but like Carla said, the test results speak volumes.
We all know Meredith struggled.
She did rent her fourth period class out as a cleaning service.
Best 600 bucks I ever spent.
Well, you drove Meredith back into Ray's dumb rich arms.
Look, Carla and I are really reconnecting, and she told me to get out in front of this thing, and she's right Carla's always right.
Carla's not right, and she's engaged.
- What?! - Really? Oh.
Uh new Carl proposed last week.
She's moving on with another Carl?! I thought he was a rebound Carl, and I thought we were giving off sparks.
(bangs table) See? My gut is wrong.
No, it's not wrong about Meredith.
I know what the results said, but why are you listening to Carla? You have been doing just fine without her.
You know Meredith.
Well, yeah, I know her pretty well, too, I mean - This juice is $15! - Mm.
- I love pressed juices.
- Oh Are they the same as regular juices? (laughter) (laughter continues) So, were you guys doing anything after lunch, or is this it? Well, we still have to stretch.
- Mm-hmm.
- And we're gonna compare our charities.
We don't want to end up with the same one.
So embarrassing.
(laughs quietly) Are you marrying new Carl? Well, I wanted to tell you in person.
I I was finally ready, and then you wrote me that sonnet.
It's okay.
You reminded me that I'm my own man.
Since you left, I've been trusting my instincts.
The only time I didn't trust myself is this week, because you made me feel like I still needed you.
I don't.
Meredith is not your typical teacher, but she's a good person and she tries hard.
You can't ask for much more than that.
You can ask for more than that.
Every one of her students failed.
Even the Indians, the Asians.
Those are the ones you count on.
When I give my report I don't care! I believe in her! Me, too.
Carla, I'm breaking up with you.
GINNY: Everybody! The test results were wrong.
After Kim told me Meredith's class failed, I looked into it.
I wanted to confirm my suspicions before I said anything, and with the help of my online test lovers group, I have.
This is the culprit.
Am I the only one who doesn't know why we're looking at a pencil? No, I don't get it.
I'm still not sure.
Okay, I didn't want to look dumb.
Meredith? Meredith? Are you there? Meredith POPPY: Oh, my God.
The class war has started.
Meredith, you don't belong here.
You belong at Nixon.
I was wrong.
Carla was wrong.
What about the tests? You used number three pencils.
We've been tracking some rogue number threes with my online testing group, and we knew they'd shown up at Kennedy, but we never thought they'd end up at Nixon.
- Carla rescored your tests by hand.
- Well, how did my kids do? - Totally average.
- So I'm, like, a totally average teacher? Totally average.
I'm totally average! We know.
I got to get back to work.
MEREDITH: Hey, can you put, uh, five Crab Louie salads on Ray's tab and wrap them up to go? You have to try them.
And you may never be at a country club again.
- I'm proud of you, Meredith.
- Well, I'm proud of my kids.
And I'm proud of you for standing up to Carla.
It was beautiful.
Are you okay with her getting remarried? - I think so.
I'm just glad everybody's moving on.
- Mm.
And here's your Dark 'N' Stormy.
Thank you.
What? Uh, no! I can't.
I haven't asked anyone out since the divorce.
It's time for you to move on top of someone else.
Okay.
I don't want this Dark 'N' Stormy (clears throat) I would like a Dark and Even-keeled.
So you want a splash of grapefruit? No.
I'm I'm flirting.
I'm just really bad at it.
Oh.
(Laughs) Hey, great job with the number three pencils.
Ginny's a regular Nancy Drew.
Nancy Drew is lesbian propaganda.
I am just a good, old-fashioned problem solver.
(sighs) Hey.
I'm glad you're here.
Now, you want to get out of here? (laughs softly) I can't.
I'm sorry.
Is this about the cinder block-sleeping bag combo? 'Cause I ordered a couch.
Well, a futon.
Well, I painted the cinder blocks brown.
Joel, I chose to come back to Nixon, but I'm staying with Ray.
What? You got to be kidding me.
I never meant to hurt you.
And yet you did anyway.
That's how good you are at it.
Oh, Joel Joel, wait.
Ray? Ray? Ray? Ray.
Bunny Just wanted to meet your work friends.
Is that? Huh, huh, huh? Hi.
Uh next round is on me.
- I'm Ray.
I'm Ginny.
- IRENE: Where's Joel? - GINNY: I don't know.
- CARL: He's gone.
- May I? - Yes, of course.