Bakemonogatari (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

Hitagi Crab, Part One

1 Front Gates of Naoetsu Private High School Kiss-shot Acerola-orion Heart-under-blade Duty I believe it's time I talk about Kiss-shot Acerola-orion Heart-under-blade.
I believe I have a duty to do so.
Front Gates of Naoetsu Private High School Blood Streetlight Kiss-shot bakemono gatari GHO ST ORY As usual, I felt as though I was going to be late.
I climbed up the school's steps.
When I reached the break between the staircases, a girl fell from the sky.
Koyomi Senjougahara Hitagi Not ignoring her was the right decision I think.
No, maybe I'm wrong.
Why, you ask? Her body is extremely Absurdly light It's not a joke It's strangely light It's ghastly light Just as if she doesn't exist Correct, you could say that Senjougahara has no such thing as mass.
Hitagi Crab Part 1 Monday, May 8th The cultural festival is coming up, but we're already seniors.
There's not much we can do.
And studying for entrance exams is more important.
Let's just make a list of what we can do, and let everyone vote for it, okay? Sure, seems pretty democratic.
You always have this mean tone to your voice.
Kinda rebellious Hanekawa Tsubasa.
She's our class representative.
She's well disciplined and courteous.
She's so serious that it's scary, and all the teachers love her.
You could call her the representative of class representatives.
For reference, what did you do for the past two years' cultural festivals? A haunted house and a café.
And as the vice class representative, I'm currently discussing what we should do for the cultural festival with Hanekawa.
Hey, there's someone called Senjougahara in our class, right? Senjougahara-san? What about her? Well, I was just wondering.
She's usually absent because she's sick, right? So I was wondering if she'd come to the cultural festival.
Oh, and also Don't you think "Senjougahara Hitagi" is a weird and interesting name? Senjougahara is a place name.
No, that's not what I meant I'm talking about her first name.
Senjougahara-san's first name is Hitagi What's so weird about that? If I recall correctly, "Hitagi" is some civil engineering term.
You really do know everything.
I don't know everything, I just happen to know this.
How unusual Huh? You actually showed interest in someone else.
No, it's not what you think.
I guess guys like frail girls.
My, my How sickening.
Frail, huh? Wait, does that count as a sickness? Anyway, what kind of person is Senjougahara? You should know her better than I do.
I mean, you've been in the same class as her for three years in a row.
Now that you mention it Well, she's a perfect honor student.
She has good grades.
I guess.
But I've only been in the same class as her for a month.
I don't really know her that well.
Not to mention Golden Week was during that month.
Golden Week, huh? What about Golden Week? Nothing.
Just continue.
Let me think She doesn't talk much and it doesn't seem like she has any friends.
Perhaps it's because she's always sick? During middle school, she was a lot livelier.
During middle school? You went to the same middle school as her? Yeah.
Senjougahara-san was extremely beautiful and great at sports.
She was the star of the track team.
That's why I heard a lot of things about her.
What things? Like I heard she's a nice person who's very sociable.
And her father is a big shot in a foreign corporation, and she lives in a mansion.
Despite that, she doesn't show off.
Superwoman much? Maybe I shouldn't say this, but.
Senjougahara-san What? She's much prettier now than she was before.
Her existence is so delicate.
Her existence is so delicate Oh yeah, I forgot! Oshino asked me to go to his place.
Oshino-san? Why? Well, I'm kinda helping him with his work.
Hanekawa, can I leave the rest to you? If you promise you'll make up for it, then sure.
I mean, it'd be bad to keep Oshino-san waiting.
Say hi to him for me.
What did you and Hanekawa-san talk about? Don't move.
She caught me Oh, my bad.
I mean, you can move if you want, but it'd be very dangerous.
Curiosity is like a cockroach.
It likes to stumble upon secrets that're supposed to stay hidden.
It's pretty damn annoying.
Hey What's up? Is your right cheek feeling lonely? If so, just tell me.
I was careless.
I never expected a banana peel to be there.
You noticed, didn't you? Correct.
I am weightless.
Well, I say that, but I'm not actually weightless.
According to my height and build, I should be around 45 kg.
But my actual weight is 5 kg.
This happened before I entered this high school.
I met a crab and it took away my weight.
It's all right if you don't understand.
I'm just telling you because it'll be troublesome if you keep on sniffing around like that, Araragi-kun.
Araragi-kun Hey, Araragi Koyomi-kun.
Now, what should I do in order to keep you quiet? What should I do for myself? What should I do in order to make you swear you won't leak a word even if your mouth gets ripped open? Anyway, all I want is your silence and apathy.
If you'd like to promise me that, then nod twice, Araragi-kun.
All other actions including not responding will be taken as a no, and I will immediately go on the offensive.
I see.
Thank you.
Oh, you didn't scream.
I'll spare you this time.
You Now then, Araragi-kun.
Ignore me from tomorrow on, okay? Please.
She's the devil.
Oww But I'm okay.
This is nothing, so I'm okay.
Huh? Araragi-kun? Hanekawa? You're still here? Shouldn't you be at Oshino-san's place? Hanekawa, do you like bananas? Huh? Well, it's not that I dislike them I mean, they're very nutritious.
But if I were to choose between liking and disliking them I think I'd lean more towards liking them.
No matter how much you like them, don't eat them at school.
Huh? Well, okay, you can eat them.
But if you throw the peel on the stairs I'll never forgive you! What are you talking about, Araragi-kun? Hey, Araragi-kun! Don't run in the corridors! I'll tell on you! I'm amazed.
Actually, I should really say I'm surprised.
I never thought you'd show resistance so fast.
All right, I got it.
I understand, Araragi-kun.
Let's go to war.
No, no! Let's not go to war! Let's not? What? Then what is it? I was just thinking That I might be able to help you.
Help me? Dream on.
What can you do? Just keeping your mouth shut and ignoring me is good enough.
Kindness can sometimes translate to hostility.
There's no wound.
How did you Oshino Oshino-san? Yeah, Oshino Meme.
Thanks to him, I transformed back into a human from a vampire.
But it seems like there are a few side effects from immortality.
Episode 1 Password: Bicycle Oshino Meme? His name sounds pretty moe.
Getting your hopes up is pointless.
He's some thirty year old guy.
I see.
But he was a moe character when he was small, right? Don't look at someone 3D like that.
Wait, do you even understand what "moe" and "character" mean? Those terms are basic knowledge.
I guess my character is what people call "tsundere", right? Your character is what people call "tsundra".
My ass hurts.
It's all numb.
And my skirt is wrinkled.
That's not my fault.
Don't make excuses or I'll cut it off.
Cut what off? By the way, where's your backpack? You're not holding anything.
All my textbooks are in my locker.
And there's no point in having a backpack when I keep all of my school supplies on me.
Oh, I see.
If I don't keep both of my hands free, I won't be able to fight freely if something happens.
Let me hang on to your school supplies.
I'll look after it, so hand it over.
Oshino might be a weird guy, but I consider him to be my savior.
I can't let some dangerous person meet with my savior, so let me look after your school supplies.
You waited until we got here to say that You set me up, right? All right then.
Please look after it.
You're kidding Don't get the wrong idea.
It's not like I'm letting my guard down for you.
What do you mean? Listen up.
I have 5000 grunts.
If I were to go for a minute without contacting them, they would go and attack your family.
Everything will be fine, don't worry.
You mean a minute's enough?! Do you think I'm some boxer?! Your two younger sisters are still in middle school, aren't they? She knows about My family No trespassing or the police will get involved This way.
What? Don't think I'll thank you.
I get that.
You should be the one thanking me.
I don't get that.
I didn't want to make the injury too obvious, so I purposely stapled the inside instead of the outside of your mouth.
That's like saying, "The wound would stand out on his face, so I'll hit his stomach.
" It's just convenient for the assailant.
Well, whatever, it seems like I was just wasting effort.
I guess Does it hurt if I say being immortal is convenient? Not anymore.
Oh, really? Because I'm not immortal anymore.
It's just that my wounds heal faster.
Apart from that, I'm perfectly normal.
Araragi-kun, I'm warning you one last time.
What is it? You might not be able to tell with my clothes on, but surprisingly enough, my body isn't worth the jail time.
You're either too insecure, or your persecution complex has gotten way out of hand.
My gosh.
Even so, there are things you should say and there are things you shouldn't.
She's aware?! Back on topic, I can't believe that this Oshino guy lives in a building that looks like it's about to collapse.
Yeah, he's a pretty weird guy.
But he's an expert in cases like yours and mine.
Oh, Araragi-kun.
You're finally here.
What's up, Araragi-kun? You brought a different girl again along with you today.
Cut it.
Don't write me off as some low class character.
Nice to meet you, young lady.
I'm Oshino.
Nice to meet you too, I'm Senjougahara Hitagi.
I'm a classmate of Araragi-kun's and he told me about you.
Oh, I see.
Oshino, two years ago, this chick- Don't call me "this chick".
Then what should I call you? Senjougahara-sama.
I don't like the way you pronounced it.
Say it properly.
Senjougahara-chan- Eye Ouch! Are you trying to blind me?! No one told you to be rude.
What sort of equivalent exchange is this?! My harsh remarks are made by transmutating 40g of copper, 25g of zinc, 15g of nickel, 5g of hiding my embarrassment along with 97kg of spite.
Isn't that nearly all spite?! By the way, I was lying about "hiding my embarrassment".
You took out the most important ingredient! Enough of that.
What is that girl? Oh, don't worry about her.
She has neither shadow nor form.
She has neither name nor existence.
That's what she is.
You're wrong, Araragi-kun.
I gave her a name yesterday.
Since she helped me a lot during Golden Week.
Oh? She has a name now? What is it? Blade 忍 Shinobu Heart Her name is Oshino Shinobu.
A heart under the blade.
The name suits her, doesn't it? I let her use my surname.
That's great.
I believe I asked what exactly she is.
Like I said, she's nothing.
A ruined vampire.
Beautiful Demon Leftovers of a beautiful demon.
I say that, but it doesn't mean anything.
I see, so she's nothing.
All right then.
So I heard you could save me? Save you? I can't do that.
You're the only one who can save yourself, young lady.
There were five people who spat the exact same lines at me.
They were all scammers.
Are you the same as them, Oshino-san? Well aren't you lively.
Did something nice happen? Well, anyway, we can't get further if you don't tell me your story.
I'll keep it a secret, so don't worry.
Well, let me explain it briefly- Don't worry about it, Araragi-kun.
I'll tell him by myself.
Senjougahara I can do it by myself.
Heavy crab.
Heavy crab? Yeah, it's folklore from the mountains of Kyushu.
Depending on the location, its name varies from weighty crab to heavy stone crab.
Or even heavy stone god.
That means crabs and gods are connected.
But why Kyushu? The place itself doesn't matter.
As long as certain conditions are met, it'll appear.
That's all.
In this case, it doesn't have to be a crab.
There are rumors of it being a rabbit.
There are also rumors of it being a beautiful woman.
It's not Shinobu-chan though.
Sounds like the patterns on the moon.
Well, if this young lady met a crab, then it's a crab.
What's with that? The name isn't important.
It is important.
I said it before, it might be a God rather than a crab.
The heavy crab was derived from the heavy stone God.
Well, you're a lucky one out of the unlucky bunch.
Why so? Gods are everywhere.
They're everywhere, yet nowhere.
You can say it was both around you and not around you before you became like this.
This is just like Zen dialog.
It's Shinto.
Or perhaps it's Shugendou? Don't get the wrong idea, young lady.
You didn't become like this because of whatever.
It's just that your point of view changed.
My point of view? What are you trying to say? I'm saying I can't stand you acting all victimized, young lady.
I'm surprised.
I thought you were a selfish person, but Why would you think that? Humans who meet heavy crabs are usually like that.
You can't see it just because you want to, and it's not a harmful God.
Not harmful? It's just there and it won't appear if you don't wish for anything.
Well, I don't wanna delve so deep into your situation.
Anyway, I get it.
If you want to regain your weight, I can help you.
You were referred here by Araragi-kun, after all.
Can you save me? are ga DENEB ALTAIR VEGA Deneb, Altair, and Vega kimi wa yubisasu natsu no daisankaku That's the Summer Triangle you pointed at oboete sora wo miru I remember that when I look up at the sky yatto misuketa orihimesama I finally found Vega dakedo dokodarou hikoboshisama But where are you, Altair? kore ja hitori bocchi You'll be alone like this makkura no sekai kara miageta I looked up from the pitch dark world yozora wa hoshi ga furuyoude It's like the night sky is filled with raining stars itsukara darou I wonder when kimi no koto wo oikakeru watashi ga ita I started to chase after you douka onegai Please, no matter what odorokanaide Don't be surprised kiiteyo watashi no kono omoi wo Listen to these feelings of mine I'm Karen.
I'm Tsukihi.
It's time for the preview quiz! Quiz! "Hit and beat" refers to me, right? Does it refer to Karen-chan? What does this "&" stand for? The question isn't hard, but it's hard to understand it.
Hitagi Crab Part 2 Next episode, Hitagi Crab, Part 2.
I'll show it to the people who answered correctly.
That means you're showing it to no one.