Ballers (2015) s03e08 Episode Script

Alley-Oops

1 Are you with me on this? Footage has surfaced of an altercation in which Ricky Jerret appears to assault a teenage boy.
- (Groaning) - (Thud) You're suffering from post- concussion syndrome, Ricky.
What? - You firing me, Charles? - No, Siefert's firing you.
I'm just telling you.
See you, coach.
Spencer, say hi to the acquisitions team at IMG.
Why are you such a masochist, man? We got a great business going here.
If we've done our jobs then the clients will learn to look after themselves.
We're selling ASM.
Kane is in the building, nigga (music playing) Now tell me how you love it, you know you at the top When only heaven's right above it, we on 'Cause we on Who else is really trying to fuck with Hollywood Cole? I'm with Marley G, bro Flying Hollygrove chicks to my Hollywood shows And I wanna tell you something that you probably should know This that "Slumdog Millionaire" Bollywood flow And, uh My real friends never hearing from me Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me That's why I pick and choose, I don't get shit confused Don't like my women single, I like my chicks in twos And these days all the girls is down to roll I hit the strip club and all them bitches find the pole Plus, I been sippin', so this shit is moving kinda slow Just tell my girl to tell her friend that it's time to go (men shouting) (exhales) (seagulls screeching) - Morning, sailor.
- (chuckles) Good morning, honey.
Have you seen my toothbrush? Mm, yeah, it's in the shower.
Cool, I was gonna check the shower after I checked the microwave and the dishwasher.
(Chloe chuckles) I always brush my teeth in the shower.
(chuckles) I see that.
You might wanna try brushing your teeth on your side of the sink using your toothbrush.
It's pink.
I got it for you.
I could put "Chloe" right there on the handle if you like.
Well, I like your electric jobbie 'cause it works great as a vibrator on those lonely nights when you're not home.
Ah, okay, well, I'll buy you one of those, too.
(chuckles) Lighten up.
You're the only one that I'm using as a sex toy.
Thank you, I hope so, baby.
Listen, I gotta tell ya, in less than a week, you've completely rearranged my kitchen Oh, you try finding cereal in that cupboard.
Look at my bathroom counter.
It looks like the makeup counter at Sephora after a massive fucking earthquake.
- Okay, this? - Mm-hmm.
This doesn't happen without a workout and a little war paint, okay? - Want some coffee? - I do.
- (spanks) - I want more than coffee.
(ringtone playing) - Hey, Doc.
- Woman: Hello, Mr.
Strasmore.
This is Dr.
Dester's office.
He'd like you to come in for your results today.
You know, I wish I could make it, but I have a company retreat that I can't miss.
Oh, those are fun.
Well, let us know when your schedule clears up.
Hold on, is there any way that you could give me the results now? For situations like yours, Dr.
Dester prefers to talk in person.
(sighs) It's not cancer, is it? The test was for sperm count.
Right, uh, well, listen, I mean, how did it come back? Did it come back average, above average, off the fucking charts? Tell me.
You're welcome to come in at 11:00 and find out for yourself or you can just let your imagination run wild for a week.
(chuckles) Okay.
Okay, okay, fine.
Fine, I'll see you soon, bully.
- (music playing) - Could life get any better? Yeah, if you pass that motherfucking bottle.
Oh, what are we drinking? I love it.
Good drink.
I'll take it easy, though.
Okay.
Hello.
- (ringtone playing) - Pick up the phone, baby! I know you're home, baby! I'm in the zone, baby.
What's crackin', ace? Where the fuck have you been? Uh, where I can always be found cloud nine.
Make that nine and a half.
Great, well, now it's time to touch down on planet Earth and deliver that land.
I'm selling my company.
It's the least you could do.
Shit, Strasmore's going all in.
I love it.
Maybe you should come kick it with Travis and I at the casino since you're in such a gambling mood.
Too busy pulling rabbits out of my ass, Wayne.
Might have to give you a residency, too.
Look, stop fucking around, okay? The owners are gonna meet in about a week and a half, and if we don't get our shit together, this whole fucking thing can go south.
Relax, we're golden with the land.
(sighs) All right, did you pick up those abandoned projects north of the Strip? That spot's a dump.
So, you're gonna put up your golf course? My father dropped dead on that course, buddy.
It's a monument to the Hastings name.
There are over 500 monuments around the globe in the Hastings name, Wayne.
- Who gives a shit? - And Daddy dropped dead on one of them, so you can back off it now.
Okay, Wayne, I just wanna know exactly where we're gonna build this thing, huh? - That's it.
- I'm meeting with the seller later on.
Will send pics once we're locked.
Hope your phone has 4K.
- Okay.
- (console beeps) (sighs) Fuck.
It's a good thing that they diagnosed you.
It earns us another chance with the Pats.
Yeah, the team can't cut ties with you just 'cause you batshit crazy.
Bipolar, bipolar.
It's a bad look to put you out on the streets.
Pssh, being diagnosed as bipolar is one of the few things that actually makes sense this off-season.
Keep taking your pills, stick at it with therapy, the Pats will commit to you long term.
Man, I ain't fucking with these pills, J.
- It'll affect my performance.
- On the field or in the sack? - Both.
- You don't take the pills, you don't suit up.
Well, what's it matter if I'm too doped up to do my job? I'm sure they're not that bad.
Shit, T, Google the side effects.
The fuck I look like, Siri? Ricky: So sensitive.
"Common side effects may include, but are not limited to fatigue, nausea, vertigo, diarrhea, constipation, and sexual dysfunction.
" Right, that sounds fun.
I'm gonna be walking around here tired, limp, dizzy, and shitting my own pants.
That sounds crazier than punching some white kid in the face.
There's no guarantee you'll have any side effects at all.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, if there are, they could just give you more pills to fix that shit.
I'm glad everybody's so concerned about my health.
- (phone chimes) - Oh, fuck me.
Ricky: More bad news? Yeah, but not for you.
For Charles.
- Ooh.
- Thank God.
Pass me one of them grapes, cuz.
You got it.
Bam! Well, we're always looking for new talent to boost our staff.
- Yeah.
- So, you know what? I'll let you guys talk it over privately.
Great! Thanks for the tour, Lydia.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- Thanks so much, Lydia.
All right, bye-bye.
Text you later.
Ooh! She's impressive.
This whole place is impressive.
- Jeez, you're really slurping the Kool-Aid.
- I'm not slurping anything.
I'm just saying our employees are gonna be very comfortable here.
- It's nice and stable.
- Fuck, I just don't think our staff is gonna fit in with IMG culture, you know? I mean, Byron has more porn on his hard drive than I do.
Phil is borderline homicidal.
Natalie, precious, little Natalie, okay? Every Friday, she goes into the bathroom - and sniffs Wite-Out before happy hour.
- Wow.
And Marcus curses more in casual conversation than you or I combined.
That is fucking impossible.
I don't know, it just feels like our outfit is a band of misfits, you know, who - who excel at unconventional warfare.
- Mm-hmm.
And that's why we love them, by the way, you know? That's why we love our company.
Yeah, well, you know, they're also survivors, okay? They're gonna be fine wherever they land, whether it's here or thank you very much or anyplace else.
What about our clients? How are you gonna drop the bomb to them? Ricky, Vern, Charles, Sizzle, Antonio, Suh.
I will handle it.
I got it all under control.
We need the appraisers over at ASM by 2:00 p.
m.
- Did you set the diversion? - Yeah, I rented the Ritz ballroom for ASM's meditation retreat.
A real bitch finding a Zen master on short notice, by the way.
What the fuck happened to going down to the Keys and getting plastered? Oh, please, come on, you don't fire a drunken mob.
Phil will fucking shiv you.
At least this way, they'll learn coping skills before you drop the bomb.
Oh, listen, that reminds me No, don't! No.
Don't say that you're gonna be late.
(chuckles) I'm gonna be a little late.
- Ugh! - It's all right.
I just can't cancel my lunch with Chloe.
- Chloe? - Yes.
Ugh, here.
God damn.
What, are you two all shacked up now? (chuckles) Well, it fucking seems that way, but she's in town just for business.
Oh, well, that's good.
You can still get rid of her.
I'm not getting rid of her, Joe.
Yeah, you will.
I mean, you always do.
Look, I gotta go set this shit up.
Hey, don't you fucking dare make me do your dirty work for you.
Why the fuck do you say it like that for? - I never do that.
- All right.
I might get one of these things.
- (engine starts) - Oh! Shit.
Coughlin and Smith have had success with schemes similar to ours, but I believe it's Lions' OC, Jim Bob Cooter, - who's the future leader of this team.
- (phone buzzing) If Stafford hadn't gotten hurt, the Lions would've made some noise in the playoffs.
Yeah, didn't they finish bottom third in the run game during that span? It's a passing league.
A high-flying offense is what it takes to compete with the Pats.
- We got the pieces.
- (phone chimes) Now we just need the right man to put them together.
You got more important business, sweet cheeks? (phone chimes) No.
No, sir.
Wife seems to think that Kiki may have allergies.
They got all-natural antihistamines at the Whole Foods on 10th Street.
Thank you.
I'll let her know as soon as we're done here.
Good.
Care to offer any thoughts? Oh, yeah, I like where you're going with this.
- Cooter.
- I don't want a yes man, Charles.
Tell me what you really think.
(sighs) All right, with the emergence of Ajayi and the addition of Kisan, we got a serious two-headed monster in our backfield.
We can't abandon the run.
Winning sells just as many tickets as chunking the ball up 40 times a game.
Who you got in mind to lead this running attack? Larry Csonka.
Absolutely not.
Then, as I said the first time, I think Cooter's the guy.
Me, too.
- (chatter) - (wind chimes tinkling) (whispering) Hey, can I get your cell phone? - Ugh.
- I know, I know.
- Gotta take the cell phone.
- Oh, Joe! - You have no idea how much this means.
- Cool, man.
Yeah, I was on the verge of a full-on meltdown.
Well, you've been working really hard, you know? So maybe this will give you some balance and perspective.
Yeah, I was gonna shoot someone.
Not you, of course.
Someone bad like the homeless guy at my ATM.
- Yeah, put your cell phone in the basket.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Yo, yo, yo, motherfucker! - Shh, shh, shh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm ready to do this shit.
- I bet you are, I bet you are.
- Yeah.
And afterwards, we crush the hotel bar.
- All right, we do it.
- I brought a gram of snizz.
Namaste! Okay.
(whispers) Hey, Nat.
I gotta take the cell phone.
I can't do that.
- Hmm? - My little Beyoncé is sick with a cold.
The sitter might call, so.
Ah, look, this is just gonna be for a short time, I promise.
You know? And so, I'm sure your daughter's gonna be fine.
- Beyoncé's my pit bull.
- Oh.
(whispers) Where's the bathroom? Nat, come on, it's not even 5:00 yet.
Why don't we try meditation before we resort to that, you know? - Okay.
- Yeah.
And you know what? Keep the phone.
- Thank you.
- Don't tell anybody.
- I won't.
- Okay.
(chuckles) - (sighs) Oh, God.
- You ain't getting my phone.
I don't want your fucking phone.
So, you running this show today? (scoffs) Yeah, right.
- Imagine? - Mm-mm.
But I found the most reputable Zen master on the East Coast.
Hoo! Sorry I'm late.
Biscayne Blvd.
was a fucking nightmare.
- Oh, hi, Virginia.
- Maximo? That's right, Maximo.
- He's certified.
- In what? Everything you need.
Just give him 12 hours.
- Jesus Christ.
- (Dr.
Dester chuckles) - My God, the irony.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
I'm much better with vaginas, Doc.
- Let's hope so.
- I'm sorry.
No, don't worry about it, don't worry about it.
- Have a seat.
- Okay.
Uh, so, I'm good, right? I, uh I mean, I've never actually gotten a, um gotten a woman pregnant before, but I'm sure with the scroll of lovely ladies I have in my phone that one of my swimmers accidentally hit land, considering I had this one three-peat at the Pro Bowl back in 2011.
You went to the Pro Bowl three times in a row? No, come on, Doc! Travis Scott? I just hit a three-peat Fucked three hoes I met this week.
Except I did all that in a weekend.
- (both chuckling) - Well, according to your test results, you do have functioning swimmers.
- Great.
- Yes.
They're just more Ryan Lochte than Michael Phelps.
- Okay, Olympians.
Great.
- (chuckles) They're declining at a rapid rate.
- Okay.
- Could be genetic or could be lifestyle choices.
I mean, excessive drinking, heavy stress, substance abuse, smoking, cycling No, I mean, look, Doc, I haven't ridden a bicycle since I was 11 years old and I've never had a cigarette in my life.
Well, according to Dr.
Robbins' file, three of those factors are in play.
(chuckles) Right, well, I am working very hard at weaning myself off the booze and, um and getting rid of all the pills.
I mean, and plus, right after this, I'm going to a meditation seminar.
All positive steps, but the damage is already done.
No, don't say that, Doc.
Come on, don't say that.
I mean I mean, look, man, I've I've given my life to a fucking game that doesn't give a fuck about me anymore.
The only chance that I have for any kind of legacy and not be a goddamn ghost is to have a goddamn kid.
That is literally the most selfish thing I have ever heard anyone say.
And I have 10-year-old twins.
- (sighs) - But at least you are honest.
Yeah, to a fault.
- Well, how much time do I have left? - You're not dying.
But if you are serious about having a child for any reason other than the one you just gave, I suggest you hop on your pony and ride, cowboy.
- (people chattering) - (sighs) (knocks) Mr.
Charles, there he is.
To what do I owe the pleasure? Cooter ain't the guy.
Well, your boss says he is.
He's wrong, and his obsession with the aerial attack is gonna reverse all the progress we've made.
We need to focus on our power run game.
The Falcons would've won the Super Bowl if they'd have just ran the ball.
But then look at the Patriots.
LeGarrette Blount led the league in rushing touchdowns.
We need a Blount offense pun intended.
You know, I don't appreciate you coming in here and telling me how to run my goddamn team.
I'm just giving you the straight truth.
I feel like a man in your position deserves that.
Look, Charles, you know ticket sales have never been a part of our decision-making, right? Then you best inform your general manager, 'cause that's the tack he's taking.
Now, if we wanna build on last season, we need to hire the man that helped lay the bricks for Miami's success.
Shula's retired, Griese has a radio gig, and Marino Marino has no interest in coaching.
But Larry Csonka's right under your nose! Think about it players love and respect him, and he has command of the locker room.
And don't let that sunny disposition of his fool you.
That man has the fire and the experience to coach this team to a division title.
Csonk's a great coach.
- He's loyal.
- Mm-hmm.
I've been thinking about him.
A little bit past his prime.
They said the same thing about Arians.
He won Coach of the Year honors two out of his first three seasons.
- Siefert didn't buy it? - Wouldn't even hear me out.
We probably could've handled that Coach Berg situation - with a little more class.
- (scoffs) You think? I'm the one that had to fire the guy.
Siefert didn't even do it himself? No, sir.
He didn't have the guts.
- (music playing) - (ringtone playing) - Hey.
- Spencer: Hey.
- Still down for a late lunch? - Uh, not anymore.
Niki Nakayama's insisting that we taste all 13 of her Kaiseki dishes, and Wayne wants me back in Vegas first thing.
Jesus, that's kind of sudden.
Yeah, well, he's impulsive like that.
Kind of reminds me of another ambitious businessman that I'm close with.
Listen, Chloe, I would really love to see you before you leave.
How about we have a couple of drinks tonight, huh? My retreat ends around 9:00.
Baby, I'm sorry.
I am on the last flight out.
I'm gonna send somebody by tomorrow to grab my things.
At least spend the night.
I promise I'll make it worth your while.
Could this possibly mean eye contact while we do it? Yes, I'm gonna deliver a deep, loving gaze into your soul.
Well, now that you got me all hot and bothered, I'll see what I can do.
Okay, great.
- (exhales) - (phone chimes) - (music playing) - Why settle for great when we can make America spectacular? - (horse snorts) - Welcome to your new home, Raider Nation! - Welcome to Wayneville! - (neighs) (music playing) Maximo: Our careers can consume our lives.
Stress levels rise.
Relationships suffer.
We drink too much.
We self-medicate.
All damaging behaviors, both physically and spiritually.
- But it's fun as balls! - (whispers) Marcus.
Maximo: We try to numb all the pain that the pressure and fear create.
The fear of failure and inadequacy.
But not missing out.
Marcus, one more time and you're fucking done.
I mean it.
That fear creates a deep-seated anger that can't be treated with the breathing and chanting exercises that we've been practicing thus far.
And that concludes this portion of the meditation.
On my count three, two, one.
- And open your eyes.
- (all exhaling) - Wow! - (Maximo exhales) But sometimes anger requires a more visceral outlet.
That leads us to the rage room.
(Joe chuckles) What's the rage room, huh? Max, tell these guys what happens in the rage room.
Anything you like short of starting a fire.
Destroy everything in sight.
- Piss on the floor.
Shit on the desk.
- (clears throat) - Anything within good taste.
- Yeah.
All part of the healing process, right? - Who's first? - Me, me! Yep, right here.
Marcus, sit down.
Please! Let me lay waste to it.
Phil, I think you should do some more deep breathing exercises first.
Just you can get in there, but let's just what, Natalie, you wanna go in? Great, get on up here.
(chuckles) Here she comes.
- It's gonna be good.
- Yay! (elevator dings) (chatter) (music playing) This goes out to all my Mile End friends And my PARC-Ex connects Joe: Choose your weapon.
- This one.
- Or just the tiny, little Axe.
- Look at you, full of surprises.
- Woman: Whoo! - All: Natalie! - All right.
All: Whoo! - (sighs) Here she goes.
- (phone chimes) - (phone chimes) - No, Natalie, I told you, Beyoncé can wait.
- We talked - Uh All right, Phil, go ahead.
Yes! - Joe: Ah, fuck, Phil, come on.
- Phil: Yeah, okay.
Hey! (screams) - Whoa! - (all cheering) Yeah! Whoa, yeah! - (screams) - All: Oh! (panting) Byron says there are some weird men appraising the office.
Is that why you brought us here? Are you getting rid of us?! - (chatter) - Woman: Seriously? - Man: Come on.
- Natalie: What's going on? Ah, shit.
(sighs) I have no idea.
- (piano music playing) - (chatter) (slurps) Excuse me.
- (whispers) Hey.
- Jesus Christ.
If this qualifies as meditation, I should be a lot less stressed right now.
Shut the shut the fuck up.
Cat's out of the bag.
- Fuck, you told them we're selling? - Fuck, no! Byron saw the appraisers at the office.
- He texted everybody.
- Shit.
I know.
Listen, hey, are we really doing this? You're goddamn right we're really doing this.
Wayne's already got the land.
It's fucking beautiful.
And IMG came in with an amazing offer.
- Yes, we're doing it.
- (clears throat) I don't know, it's just obviously, the company means more to them than we thought it did.
And, really, if we sell, the only people that stand to benefit are you and Anderson.
Staff's out on the street, our clients are stuck with new handlers.
Joe, this Vegas deal gives us a greater stake in the league, okay? Makes us legit.
We become more powerful, we could help out the players, we can fucking influence the game.
We sell ASM, it gives me an opportunity to pay back Ricky and Vernon and it gives you half of the remaining $4 million.
I'll give you that, that the Ricky and Vernon thing wait, I get $2 million? Yes, you get $2 million.
Half of fucking four, yes.
Wow, okay.
Uh, well, what are we gonna do for them? They're gonna have a healthy pot to split as well.
Okay? Everybody wins.
Okay.
(music playing) There it is, baby.
Yes, Lord, ooowee Oh, yeah - Hey, huh - Ooowee I bet you feel so high, got your head in the clouds - But you still come around like - Ooowee I see what you started When I first came into this job, I had the best of intentions and zero experience, but I learned something about this business from each and every single one of you.
I mean, you guys are the reason why ASM has become such a successful and profitable firm.
Because you care more about your clients than any other company out there.
But it's that success that has caught the attention of IMG.
And IMG has officially put an offer out on the table to purchase our ASM.
So it's with great thought and consideration that Mr.
Anderson and I have decided to sell the division.
Man: Damn it.
Being associated with a firm of IMG's stature can only benefit all of your careers.
And I've put together a very healthy, um, parting gift.
Whoa, whoa, what parting gift? He's talking about a severance.
I'm talking about a payout from the massive sale that is gonna happen.
And you know what? Each of you deserves it.
Phil: This is bullshit.
As soon as the papers are signed, those corporate whores will clip us.
- Is that true? - Maybe, maybe not.
But but, hey, here's what I do know.
IMG, they're all good people, and I put in a really good word for you guys.
Look, if they come in and they decide to do a clean sweep, guess what, I'm gonna be right there helping all you guys get right back on your feet.
- Okay? - (Marcus scoffs) Fuck that.
Man: Come on.
Nothing good about your word.
(exhales) (exhales) You know, that went a lot fucking worse than I than I anticipated.
I don't know how we could expect anything else.
Fuck me.
Something I said? (sighs) I'm sorry I left you hanging today.
Huh? Oh.
Oh, forget it.
I'm just as responsible as you are.
It's just that, I don't know, man.
If this is the right thing to do, then why do I feel so shitty? I bet that $2 million is gonna help you feel a little bit better.
Little bit.
(chuckles) I have done a lot worse for a lot less, right? - Fucking right, you have.
- (both chuckling) But you were a man of the people.
You fought for our clients, you protected them, you stood by them, you stood by me, by every single person in that office.
You even helped Anderson when he really needed it.
Yeah.
But I'm afraid that somewhere in this wild pursuit of a mega-stadium deal, you've become just as aloof and just as greedy as those asshole one-percenters we used to despise.
I don't really care if you cry On the real, you should've never lied - Should've saw the way she - Hey, hey, hey, hey! I wouldn't get rid of those, man.
I don't need them, Pop.
You ain't even gonna try? All I've been doing.
Trying to hold it together, keep it in check, hang on to the man that I am.
I don't wanna take these and turn into somebody else.
People don't like who I am, fuck it, they should just stay away.
Man, the Jerret men have taken that route for generations.
What what are you talking about? Man, our family crazy as a motherfucker.
Big Walt, my daddy? Nigga lived life like a fucking maniac, man, till somebody picked up a gun and shot him dead in a bar.
And before that, his daddy drank himself to death in his living room.
Look, Ricky, every bad trait I have has come straight down the chain.
Now, don't be hardheaded about this, son.
So, if the doctors think that those things can do some good for you, give it a try.
I mean, there's no reason to end up like all the other Jarret men.
You ain't turned out so bad.
Well, I had help.
Yeah.
Hey, man, I started taking these before I came to see you.
- Jesus Christ.
- And that was the best decision I ever made, and I owe it to medication.
You ain't got to get back on that field and catch Tommy's bullets.
No, I don't.
But if I was a fool, I would say neither do you.
(scoffs) Medicine, little nigga, take some Fast car, NASCAR (music playing) Temporary light - Spencer: Hey.
- Hey! This how you planned to spend your time with me? Half in the bag feeling sorry for yourself? (chuckles) It's not me I feel sorry for.
Yeah, well, this happens on the next level.
People get hurt all the time.
You just have to keep your eyes on the prize.
Yep.
Come here, sit down.
Let me ask you something.
Am I a greedy person? Do I want too much? Well, as much as I would love to say that you are you're actually not.
Most of the time, you think things through.
You feel the consequences.
You have a conscience, which is more than I can say about most men in your spot.
Come here.
- (sighs) Right here.
- (chuckles) So I think I'm coming down (Chloe panting) And freedom to fly - Said his heart's - Built with holes inside - Oh, God.
Oh, God.
(moaning) But I still see stars in your eyes (gasping) Oh, God.
(panting) Oh, fuck.
Did you just? - Yeah? - Yeah.
(clears throat) Headlights roll by But I'm still chasing time Oh Will you still be mine When morning comes? We'll be fine Oh - Oh - We'll be fine I said I think I'm coming down Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.