Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

We've Lost Communication

1 Okay, I have a really good one I just saw this on BuzzFeed.
Would you rather watch your parents have sex everyday for the rest of your life or join in just once just to make it stop.
That's horrific, what is wrong with you? That is disgusting.
- Oh man, that is impossible! -I know.
Okay, you mean I get to watch my parents have sex everyday for the rest of time or I get the chance to join in just once? Oh, impossible! God, that'd be fun.
That'd be fun, I don't know.
What did you guys choose? Guys? Guys? Me and my friends will spike the punch, Lovin' ourselves and causing fun Yeah, Hey Hey There's no clouds, there's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun,yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater We did it! - Houston we have landed.
- Roger that.
Mars! Mars, Mars, Mars, Mars! Yeah! Switching to comms.
Mars is empty.
We're alone.
We are ready to bravely populate the new planet so that we can start the next phase of human life in the universe.
Houston, are you there? Houston? Oh no, we've lost communication! What do you mean we've lost communication? What do you think I mean? We must have damaged it in the landing! Thank God we have a technical engineer on board.
Meredith, can you take a look at the switchboard? Uhhyeah sure, I can do that.
A little time sensitive.
Yeah, I need to focus here, I just need a second.
What are you doing? I am No.
Nope, okay, confession time.
I am not really a technical engineer.
You lied on your space application? I am a social media manager.
Don't judge me! Okay, I lied, how else was I going to get to mars? Oh my God, I think I'm having heart palpitations.
I'm gonna pass out.
Just take a deep breath.
Oh you take a deep breath! God, we're becoming monsters! Frances, you're a doctor, do something.
Uh, yeah, about that.
Guys, I uh, ahem, I'm a naturopath.
Are you kidding me? Just because the West doesn't believe in alternative medicine doesn't mean I don't belong here.
Come on we all wanted to get to mars! Okay, this is a lifetime goal of mine.
Can't a gal have a dream? If someone can just get me some rosemary and a little basil.
I can make a hot compress.
Oh yeah, for sure gonna pass out definitely gonna happen yeah.
Pass out, you're gonna pass out? But you're a three time ironman triathlete.
I lied.
I'm just a speed walker.
And then there were three.
It looks like we're gonna have to populate mars sooner than we thought.
Thank god we didn't lose you.
The only man.
About that.
Really psyched to be here though.
Just uh Hi.
Me and you? Ovaries to ovaries? Good hustle! Way to go.
Do you uh, do you mind if I grab a coffee? Oh sure, Linda brought those for all of us.
Okay, here we go.
My week's next week.
I'll uh, I'll be bringing bagels.
Lots of them.
Lots of bagels.
That's right get in there sweetie! The best defence is a good offence.
Oh, she hates it when I yell, but I just can't help it when I see her doing stuff I think she could be doing differently.
- Kids, right? -Kids.
Am I right? Get in there babe! Kick the ball, tackle! Tackle it! Oh, this is-this is junior soccer there's no tackling.
Oh yeah no of course, of course I just meant tackle your own self doubt, you know? It's the hardest part of the game.
Tackle your own self doubt Kidd-o! Sorry, do you mind if I um, just grab an orange slice? Yeah yeah yeah, go ahead.
Did you say your daughter was in Kylie's class? What's that? Hmm? Did you say your daughter's in Kylie's class? Mmm hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
What's her name? Sorry.
Susan, Susan Sarandon.
Is her name.
Susan Sarandon? Hey is there pizza later on for the winning team? Your daughter's name is Susan Sarandon? Yeah.
Yeah it is.
She is a-a personal hero, so.
Um, hey what do the moms do after the game, do you guys have like a book club or something, something with some more sandwiches, maybe something a little more protein based? So which one is your daughter? What's that? Which one is your daughter? Oh, uh, that one.
Which one? Hm? That one.
Which one specifically? Uh, uh, that one.
Sorry, yeah.
That one? Mhm.
Yeah right there.
With the purple headband? Yeah the one with the headband, that's her.
She's your daughter? Yeah that's my daughter.
Really, 'cause that's my daughter.
That's your daughter? Oh hilarious.
You don't have a daughter do you? Not at the, okay I do, um, Susan Sarandon let's go.
We've got an eater! We've got an eater! I'm just gonna grab one more thing.
- Get out.
- Alright, okay, bye.
Every damn game.
Oh man.
Oh crap, ow.
Tight hamstrings? No.
I'm just noticing all the places I missed when I was shaving.
Oh for the love of god.
Thanks for coming in.
Okay we've got a lovely test subject, Mirabelle, hooked up to a series of electrodes.
- Hi.
- So, Wendy.
The choice before you today is to sit alone with your thoughts, no cellphones, no Internet, no magazines, etcetera.
Or, to press this button, sending a jolt of electricity through Mirabelle's body.
Um, just so I'm clear, I sit alone with my thoughts or I press that button.
Oh no, no no no, not just yet.
I'm just going to go into the other room and um you just see how long you can Okay, okay, Wendy.
Every time you press the button the level of electricity going through Mirabelle's body goes up, so you want to really think about whether or not - Okay, okay, why? -Why? - Why did you press the button? -Why did you press the button? I did it because you said to listen to the thoughts in my head.
Hello, press the button, okay.
- And then.
- Okay.
-Just, thank you.
How's it going out there? Yeah, it's great.
Great, thanks.
Um, Wendy.
In some of these studies, the people don't even press the button at all.
They-they only think about pressing the button? And you don't even have to think about the button, you can think about whatever you want.
- Okay.
- Oh, thought about pressing the button! It was just ugh.
Sorry, you know what I was doing there, I wanted to see, are you working button? Before you left the room.
- Wendy.
-Yeah? If you don't stop pressing the button I'm going to have to remove you from the study.
It's okay, I'm okay.
Because if Mirabelle gets shocked one more time, she's going to pass the approved legal limit for electrical torture.
Whatsup? All clear? Yes.
I'm not gonna do it.
Unless you really want to press the button.
- But - Yes? you've got to really want to press the button before you press the button.
I really wanna press that button.
Great, sit with that feeling.
Wow, wow.
Stop stop stop stop it! Hello! Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? - Hello.
- Hello! - Hello! -Hello? - Hello.
-Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? - Hello, hello.
-Oh hello.
Hello? Hello? Hello! Hello? It is so good to see you again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got you've said a couple of friends are meeting you? From work, yeah, okay, - ah don't judge them.
They don't really know any ah gay people so.
Okay well, I'm sure it will be fine, I'm sure we'll have a lot in common and ah.
Yeah okay.
Nothing to worry-I'm not your only gay friend am I? Oh, no.
Look who it is, look! Look at you! Look-look-look at you.
Wow! Look at me! Okay, Donna, Liz, this is Trish.
Trish is an old friend from high school.
Oh we know all about you! Hi, hi Trish, I just wanna tell you that we boycotted the 2014 Russian Olympics, no thank you.
Out of principal.
Wow, thank you, thank you.
And if I could go back in time I would totally be gay.
- Liz! -What? You know what, actually, you don't have to go back in time, you could uh be gay now.
She's hilarious, she's hilarious! You know you're just like Ellen from the show, Ellen.
- I am so sorry.
Oh seriously though, like I would love to be gay it would be so much easier.
Yeah I wouldn't have to like shave my legs and I could just like wear what I wanted.
You can do that now.
Ah I can't! Wow, okay.
Ah so ah Donna, you got a promotion or something at work, right? Yeah um, I have to tell you that I would be gay in a heartbeat.
Me too.
I mean like from the waist up though.
I don't understand like down there, I don't know if I could do that stuff.
Is that mandatory? Oh sorry Liz, it's-it's mandatory.
Oh! A hundred percent enforceable, so- I may need another one.
- Hi.
- You wanna kiss me? No.
'Cause I want you to know something.
I'm fluid like that, I'm really fluid like that and I'm really like open.
I don't wanna kiss you.
Yeah but if you wanted to, you could.
Okay okay, uh Donna, Donna, very nice of you to offer but I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to.
Donna don't be an idiot.
Just because she's a lesbian doesn't mean she wants to kiss every woman in the bar, right? Thanks Liz.
Thank you.
But you wanna kiss me, right? No.
I just kissed Trish and I had a good time.
I just kissed Trish and I had a good time.
We just kissed Trish we had a good time.
I'm in a monogamous relationship.
You know I have to be honest with you I-I really don't know how you do it with two.
It is bankrupting us.
Daycare is so expensive and of course they're both fussy eaters turn their noses up at anything that's not organic.
- And then yesterday - What? Max got into the cupboard where we keep the winter clothes.
- Pooped all over everything.
-That's disgusting.
Now we need to replace hats, coats, booties, the whole deal.
Sometimes I wanna kill them.
But then I look at their little faces and I fall in love with them all over again.
- I know, I know, me too.
-They're so adorable.
Lola, Max.
Excuse me I just have to, get a, sorry.
I'll get you another muffin after.
If you could, I just have to get by.
That way there we go.
Oh, sorry.
Oh sorry about my knee in your sandwich.
Sorry about that.
Oh okay.
No WiFi in here? This house is amazing! Thank you.
I just I just can't believe it! Likeyou! You own your own place.
I know! Oh, I mean prices in this town are outrageous.
Ugh I know, oh tell me about it.
I mean, no really, you have no idea how hard it was to ask my parents for the money for the down payment it's like, ugh, you know, like they're busy people and I had to call them up and they were in Majorca at the time.
Anyway, but, I mean we all agreed like I don't need to be renting anymore like I'm 40, so it's timeI have a place.
Why, why do that.
Come visit sometime.
My parents are throwing me a housewarming.
This office needs to hit our target by end of year.
So where do we think there's gonna be room for growth in the next five years? Lisa? What do you think? Okay, well I'm gonna think of something.
I'll just think, um okay.
I gotta say something, I'll say something smart.
Just close my eyes and think to myself and say something smart.
Oh, what's this? I think I feel a whisker coming in on my chin.
It feels so good to rub it with my thumbs.
Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub.
Okay, focus.
Don't blow this, don't blow it! Mary! Stop doing that while I'm trying to think.
Oooh, Mary just got in trouble.
But Mary's so funny.
Listen to her making them jokes.
Mary's making them laugh, she's on a roll.
It's Mary.
I have tweezers if you want.
- I don't have a fucking whisker.
The place looks great.
Yeah it's fantastic.
- Really looking good.
-Yeah thanks.
Um, I just wanted to let everybody know that Greg and I have decided to open up our relationship.
Oh, good for you.
Thanks for um letting us know.
Yeah, so, you know, Rachel if you for example were to lean in and kiss me, I would be totally okay with that.
Okay, great.
Okay super.
So anyway, gang, um Tim and I I don't wanna make it a big deal, you know, in anyway at all, it's just, you know, like we're just broaching a new and sensuous horizons together.
With others and strangers, acquaintances, friends.
Ah Tracy, how-how is that new job going? Oh it's going really well, thanks.
Really, really well.
Greg I just want to be really open about the fact that I'm feeling some really seductive energy coming from Tim right now.
Yeah I feel that.
Wow, okay, you know what, I've got an idea, how about we just um talk about anything other than your open relationship, sound good? Fantastic.
What a great idea.
Totally, totally.
Guys, totally.
Like, again, like I don't wanna make a huge thing of it, obviously, I just think that we should, you know, chat about it for like 20 to 30 minutes so we're all on the same page.
Okay, I'm just gonna step out for a bit, okay? Oh, fuddy duddy.
Babe? Wow, you know, with Tim gone it feels like like anything could happen.
Anything will happen, saddle up over here.
Anything could happen.
What are you talking about? I don't know what I'm talking about.
Hey cowgirl wanna go for a ride? - Not at all.
-Anything could happen.
No I really, I mean not at all.
Oh God, okay, wow.
Okay, Tim? You know what guys? I'm just going to go.
I need to go over there now.
You're still here, she's still here, you wanna watch this? Wanna see what you wanna like? You like that? Tyler, Mommy come with you in a second, okay? Did I tell you that Tyler just got his first swimming badge? It was before any of the other children.
Did I tell you that Lola is completely toilet trained? Yes, she is, she is.
It's like she knew what to do.
Maddox got early acceptance into French Montessori.
How about you Maryanne, how's little Sam doing? Oh, well, um he's ah still not toilet trained and he's using water rings.
That's fine.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Well not every child can be gifted, you know? They all develop at their own rate.
Okay, alright, Lola, time to come inside sweetheart, come on Hun.
Maddox you too.
Let's go.
Oh I forgot the kindling.
Oh, okay sweetie, you just stay right here I'll be right back, okay? I'm Ron MacLean.
I'm Andi Petrillo.
I'm David Amber.
I'm Scott Russell.
This August, cheer the world here at home.
On CBC, Canada's Olympic Network.
On the next episode .
Hope Valley.
It fits.
it's time to start over.
Are you a friend of his? Friends? We're two old friends who don't care at all, about anyone else has to say.
When Calls the Heart, tonight at 8:00 on CBC.

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