Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

If the Killer is Watching

1 Hi, is this the admissions office? Sure is.
How can I help you? Okay.
I cheated on my taxes, I slept with my sister's boyfriend, I didn't cry at my father's funeral, I killed a dog I just Oh, oh, oh, no this is university admissions.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.
I plagiarized my essay, I slept with my calculus professor, I defaulted on my student loans, I killed a dog, like in a really unexpected way.
Um ["Dancing Underwater"-Brave Shores.]
Me and my friends will spike the punch, Lovin' ourselves and causing fun Yeah Hey, hey There's no clouds, it's just the sun Livin' in times that are meant for fun Yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Thank you all for being here today.
The police force is currently working on some significant leads.
New evidence has come to light that we feel will lead to an arrest in the coming days.
If the killer is watching, turn yourself in.
We are closing in on you.
Let us assure the public that we are working day in and day out to make sure that justice will be served.
I will now take any questions.
Abigail Forecheck: Abigail Forecheck from The Sun.
What are some of your must-have products that you cannot leave the house without? Excuse me? Abigail Forecheck: What is in your purse right now? Followup to that: is it a gloss or a balm? I'd really prefer to discuss the case.
Are there any questions about police work, anyone? Reporters: Yes, yes, yes.
- Carrie Rottencamp from The Globe.
How do balance being a police chief and a mom? I don't have children.
Abigail Forecheck: Tick tock, get on that, get on that.
Carrie Rottencamp: Why is that? Are you having trouble finding that special someone? I'm really focused on apprehending the suspect at the moment.
Yes, what is your relationship to the suspect? Is it a Ross and Rachel, will they won't they situation, is that it? Okay, you know what, that's enough, that's enough.
Abigail Forecheck: Is that the problem? That's enough, thank you all for coming.
And if the families of the victims are watching Who are you wearing?! Carrie Rottencamp: Yeah, is a wedding in the cards? Reporter 3: Who are you wearing?! Abigail Forecheck: Are you a Carrie or a Samantha? Who are you wearing?! Carrie Rottencamp: Are you wearing pantyhose right now? How do you feel about interrogation techniques? Just kidding, who are you wearing? Who are you wearing? Reporters: Who are you wearing? [Chanting.]
Reporters: Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing? Lady Cop.
Reporter 3: Lady Cop, thank you.
Abigail Forecheck: That's all we wanted to know.
It's so difficult.
[Cool, Bass Music.]
[Water Flushes.]
[Cool, Bass Music.]
[Cool, Bass Music.]
[Traffic Noise.]
Thanks for the lift.
When my car died I was like, "Who do I call?" "Sue from Sales and Marketing.
" This is fun.
It's like we're carpoolers.
Sue and Cheryl, Cheryl and Sue, hittin' the road.
- Yeah.
So, what's the deal with Sue? You know, what does uh what does Sue like to do for fun? Sue's not much of a morning talker.
Cheryl: Ah.
Why is that, do you think? Um, no offence but I kind of have a raging headache right now.
Oh, you hungover? Yeah, you been boozin'? [In British accent.]
I'm not much of a partier on a week night.
Don't hit the booze too much on a week night me.
[Regular Voice.]
Coffee um only tricks your body into thinking that it feels better when what it really wants is water.
I'm pretty happy with the coffee.
- Are ya? -Yeah.
'Cause um, I got some water right here if you want some.
No, thanks.
Cheryl: No, it's great.
Well, it's just that coffee's acidic and-and water's alkaline and uh Well, Sue, cancer can't live in an alkalized body.
So, you probably want to have water.
Just back off with the water, please.
You know what, I'll have a sip and you have a sip.
No, that's the last thing I want to do.
You're probably just dehydrated.
- Here you go.
-Really not good - No that's really what it is! - Oh, Christ almighty! Cheryl, I don't want to hate you right now.
I barely even know you but if you don't get that water out of my face, I'm gonna ram right into that Pryus.
And the nice people in the Pryus are gonna die.
And you're gonna die.
And you know what? I can't afford to feel any worse than I do right now.
Okay? - It's pronounced Prius.
-Oh, my God.
[Car burns rubber.]
Jesus loves you.
Jesus loves you.
Jesus loves you.
Jesus likes you as a friend.
Jesus loves you.
Firefighter: Once again, I'd like to congratulate you on maintaining your smoke alarms that's what prevented- Thank you for all your help.
Thank you.
Come here, come here.
We came as soon as we heard.
Oh, we saw on the news last night there was a fire.
We thought, "Oh, no "A fire.
I hope Kate's okay.
" Friend 2: We did and we thought, "She must be an absolute wreck.
" It must be terrible.
You must be in such rough shape.
Actually, you know what? I'm totally fine.
Okay, good.
Good, great.
Friend 1: I hope no one was hurt.
- Oh, hurt.
-Was anyone hurt? That would be awful.
That would be so awful.
Everyone is okay.
Good, good.
That's good, good, good.
But the devastation.
Oh, so the devastation.
There must be so much damage.
A lot of damage? A lot of damage? Well, you know what? The fire department got here so quickly and there was way less damage than I thought.
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Good, good.
That's good, good, good.
Good, good, good, good, good.
- Um, let's us -Do you want to? - go.
Although this is nothing compared to what happened next door.
Ooh, what happened next door? Friend: I hope nobody died.
Well, yes, two people died.
Kate: And one person's in the hospital.
Oh, no.
We're gonna stay.
- Yeah, we're gonna stay.
- Okay, you know what? Come upstairs, and we'll have some tea.
Will you tell us all about it? It was crazy, it was crazy.
I mean, thankfully we're all fine but then I looked over next door and there was so many ambulances.
[Door Knocking.]
Fitz, you wanted to speak to me? Great initiative, Natalie, come in.
Come in, sit down.
And you call me Tracy, please.
Okay? Hi.
I remember starting out in the big, scary workplace.
I had two outfits and one cardigan.
You know what, I made it work.
I had no one to help me.
I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
Now you look at me now, Natalie.
You look at me now, okay? Do not be intimidated by my car, by my clothes, or by my eyebrows.
You know why? Because you remind me of me when I was young.
And I want to nurture and I want to mentor that potential.
Whatever it takes.
Now, you tell me You tell me your career goals.
You dream big, go ahead.
Full time employment with benefits.
Never gonna happen.
Go again.
A Metro pass.
Probably not, one more.
A gift certificate? [Makes buzz noise.]
Tracy: Fail.
Out, can you call in Carol for me? Natalie: Yeah.
Tracy: Shouldn't have showed you that.
Ohoh, ohoh, ohoh Ohoh, ohoh, ohoh Bouncer: Just you? Yeah, go ahead.
[Indistinct chatter.]
Bouncer: Yeah, it's on her way.
, please.
Oh, I uh, didn't think to bring any.
Oh, can't let you in without I.
, ma'am.
I mean, you just called me ma'am, so I mean look at us.
There is not a single other "ma'am" in this line anywhere.
We are The Ma'ams.
So, yeah.
Oh, come on, no buddy.
It's-it's our friend's birthday.
It's her 40th birthday.
Do you honestly believe we're underage? I mean I remember when chips and salsa was invented so.
What? You two, come on.
What? Are you serious? Really? okay, they're Bouncer: Good to see you again.
Girl 2: Okay, alright, this is crazy.
I make my own nut milk.
I take organic almonds and I soak them and then I squeeze them through a cheesecloth.
I'm 45.
Ma'am, I can't let you in because of some non-dairy milk you claim to make.
Okay, uh listen.
This sweater is from Liz Claiborne.
I don't care who gave her the sweater.
I can't let her in without I.
Okay, alright, alright.
I lost my virginity to Dirty Dancing, at the drive-in, in the backseat of a Nissan Pulsar, okay? I have an off-peak membership to Curves.
Girl 2: I still have a Hotmail account, okay? It is costing us each $70 in babysitting to be here.
Girl 2: Okay, you know what? We're just gonna get out of here, okay? Linda will understand.
Fine, we're gonna go somewhere else, thanks so much.
No, no.
We are gonna get in there and we are going to partay.
Bouncer: Hold on.
Linda? That's your friend? You have a friend named Linda? Yeah.
Go ahead.
I didn't know you were that old.
Say hi to Linda.
Have fun.
Don't break a hip.
[Clears Throat.]
[Funky Electronic Music.]
We named our daughter Lola.
Oh, that's very nice.
We named ours Layla.
That's interesting.
We called ours Laa(mouth clicking)la.
That's nice.
I'm a creative person.
I love it.
What did you name your daughter? Joanne.
Joanne? Oh uh, she's gluten intolerant and she can't be in the sun, ever.
Yeah, she'll die if she spots a sunset.
Interesting, Joanne.
Okay, thanks so much for coming in everybody.
We just need to nail down a few specifics for the Christmas party.
Woman 2: No problem, happy to help.
Happy to help.
Here's the problem: We um, we can't call it a Christmas party.
Oh, of course.
Okay, so let's call it the holiday party.
Woman 2: Okay, great, good save.
Holiday party.
Okay, so we want to really have a fun time this year so we were thinking that maybe we Yeah, before we do any thinking here's the problem: we don't know where we're gonna have it.
Well, that's not really a problem.
That's just what we're here to decide.
Yeah and how about the Rosewater? 'Cause it's right downtown, it has a very cool vibe.
That's, yeah, it's great.
Yeah, here's the problem: not everyone at our office is cool.
I think it'll be okay.
Okay, but if it's downtown and people aren't able to find their way there 'cause they're not cool enough, then we're gonna have a problem.
I'll send everybody a Google Map.
Woman 2: Okay, well not everyone has a computer.
Sure they do, they do.
That they know how to use, Janer? Woman: Okay, you know what? Just to be safe, I'm going to print out a map.
Okay, are we done here? Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, here's the problem: I don't know what the budget is.
Oh um, I will call accounting, they'll tell me how much they have.
- Done, easy.
So yes, we'll go.
Woman 2: Yeah, sounds easy.
It does but um, what if all our employees get too attached to your trendy, cool location and then we find out that we can't afford it? We'll make a tentative reservation.
What if they don't take tentative reservations? Then we'll go somewhere else.
Woman 2: Okay, but everyone still has the map to your original location so it might be a problem.
You know what? Janer's in charge of the budget so why don't we let her just go down and talk to accounting before we anticipate any more problems, okay? How about that? [Thud.]
[Tires screeching and crash.]
Here's the problem.
[Whimsical Whistle like Music.]
[Gelatinous Slurping.]
Woman: I am so proud of us for making Girls' Night finally happen.
Ladies: Yeah.
Woman 2: We manifested it though.
We said we'd do it and we did it.
Woman 3: You know what, this is Girls' Night Out.
Out! Out! Out! Check us out, out, out.
Here's to us.
And those who want to be us.
Can we look each other in the eyes before we clink glasses? Yes, okay.
Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.
Woman 2: Waiter, do you think we can have another round? He's on me first.
So tell me, how are the kids? Oh, I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
Do you mind? I am so tired of being a mother.
Are you ready for your next bottle? Ladies: Oh, yes.
The next and the next and the next and the next.
Ooh, yeah, no I think this is a bit off.
Or is it Canadian.
I can't tell.
Woman 3: You know what I think it's good enough for me.
You're good enough for me.
It's the same grape you've been drinking all evening.
You know what, can we have a bottle of the Amarone? Put that on her tab.
Ladies: Cheers! Cheers! Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.
Woman 3: We were on our second date and I was like, "What, you want to stick it in where?" There's more than one place you can put it? What did you just say? Brenda? Brenda: Where else can you put it? Woman 3: Where do you think other places the penis can go? Just blue sky here, help me out.
Your hair? Woman 3: If you want to stick a dick in your hair Woman 3: Waiter! Horny waiter! I think she's wearing Spanx as a dress.
Oh no, what happened on there? Waiter: It's not the first time I've seen this.
Waiter: Ma'am, please sit down.
Woman 3: I am sittin' down.
Waiter: Sit.
You inspire me.
You don't let failure stop you.
You don't let what people say about you stop you.
You just let I just love you.
You're so pretty.
Woman 3: I am, I'm so pretty.
You're so pretty.
Woman 3: I'm like a fashion model.
Woman: You're so pretty.
Woman 3: I know.
You gonna kiss her or what? No! I wouldn't, would you? Imagine if I kissed you! I love you so much.
Woman 3: I know.
Woman 2: It's so hot.
Brenda: Guys, we manifested this.
No, no, no.
We womanifested it.
We womanifested it.
Brenda: To us.
And those who want to be us.
Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.
Woman: I is drunk.
Girls' Night Out! Yeah.
ohoh, ohoh, ohoh ohoh, ohoh, ohoh Intercom: Paging Dr.
Webyoung to microbiology.
Webyoung to microbiology.
Oh, doctor.
Doctor, I got a message that my mother is here.
Is she okay? Oh, you must be the daughter.
Well, I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this but your mother uh.
[Phone Notification.]
Your mother um [Clicking.]
Your mother has a mass She has a mass She has a massive uh room on the second floor but it's only a semiprivate.
I am so sorry about that.
It must be a clerical error.
No, that's fine, that's fine.
But what-what's going on with her? I'm going crazy here.
We couldn't discuss your mother's medical condition until we ran a few tests.
It seems that your mother [Phone Notification.]
ah she has can Cans She has cansa Oh, she has cancelled uh her medical insurance so you're gonna have to pay for those tests out of pocket.
Ah, that explains the semiprivate.
Mystery solved.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I still don't know what's wrong with my mother.
Doctor: Oh, God.
Has nobody told you anything? - No.
-I can't believe they didn't say anything to you.
[Phone Notification.]
I'm not gonna check that.
[Phone Notification.]
Ah so, when you uh checked in what exactly did they tell you at the front desk? Ah, well, nothing.
They just said that uh uh she was here and they tried to get hold of my brother and then when they called me that I was the first person Slipper with eyes.
Can you just put the phone down? Oh, God, absolutely, absolutely.
Just gonna finish this text right here and sent.
Doctor, what is wrong with my mother?! Okay, Ms.
McMIllan, calm down.
- Your mother is fine.
McMillan? No, I'm Laura Bailey.
My mother is Rose Bailey.
Oh, Rose Bailey.
Yeah, she's dead.
Yeah, sorry about that.
[Phone Notification.]
Woman: I have been binge watching so much TV lately.
I just finished two seasons of The Fall.
Oh, is that the one with the really good looking serial killer who rapes and murders women? Yes, with Gillian Anderson as the lead detective.
Isn't she fantastic? So good, so good.
I have to say it is so refreshing to finally see television with a strong female lead.
Tell me about it.
Diane, we are living in television's golden age of empowered women.
I mean it used to be you'd only see pretty girls getting raped and murdered on TV but now you get to see a powerful woman investigate pretty girls getting raped and murdered on TV.
We've come a long way, baby.
We sure have.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Oh god, Sarah, stop crying! We all agreed.
Fuck Tom, marry James, kill Todd.
Woman: Okay.
There he goes.
Now go call Tom.
He's gonna be so excited.
Woman 2: See ya, Todd.
- Bye.
- He was nice.
Woman: That's good enough.
Sarah: Hey, Tom? Yeah, it's Sarah.
From the office.
I'm just out with the girls.
Um, listen I will now take any questions.
What is in your purse right now? Follow up to that, is it a gloss or a balm? Who are you wearing? Is a wedding in the cards? Who are you wearing? Are you a Carrie or a Samantha? Who are you wearing? Are you wearing pantyhose right now? Announcer: The smartest show on TV wants you.
Show us what kind of smart you are.
Apply now at: cbc.
ca/smartestperson Who would that be? It could be you.

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