Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

Stay For a Drink

1 Woman: Oh my gosh, Robin.
Hi, hello.
Woman: Hi.
Look at you.
How far along? Eight months.
Oh my gosh.
Can I touch? You can.
Go ahead.
Oh, oh my gosh, I'm gonna cry.
It's so beautiful.
Oh, what a miracle.
["Dancing Underwater" by Brave Shores playing.]
Me and my friends will spike the punch, Lovin' ourselves and causing fun Yeah Hey, hey There's no clouds, there's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh Mike: So what if it has sugar? Big deal.
Lauren: There's lots of places you can get it where it is good for you.
Yeah, if it's just apples? Yeah.
We just I know, we just duh, duh, duh, duh.
- Really - Yeah.
So, do you um, do you want me to do go? - Do you have to - No.
Do you turn back into a pumpkin or something? I do, but you should stay and see that.
Yeah? Come on, stay for a drink.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah? Yeah.
A drink.
Do you wanna take this to the other room? [Cell Phone Dinging.]
Siri: I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.
I'm sorry, that's my phone.
It's fine.
God, you're amazing.
How is it you don't have a boyfriend? [Cell Phone Dinging.]
Siri: Calling Lauren's boyfriend.
What? Ah, cancel.
Cancel the Cancel it.
Sorry, I don't know.
I'm sorry, do you have a boyfriend? Lauren: No, I don't.
I don't have a boyfriend.
I have an ex and a number that I didn't delete from the phone.
Lauren: Do you wanna? Let's just We're gonna go to the other room.
Yeah, sure.
Okay um Okay? This would be a good place to stop, I think.
I don't wanna go too far.
It's the first date, but um, ah, what are you doing tomorrow? Do you wanna get together, if you're not busy, maybe? Yeah, that would [Cell Phone Dinging.]
Siri: Lauren's calendar for tomorrow.
Dinner date with Big Dick Tony.
Okay, so you're busy tomorrow? No, I'm not.
Actually, I'm not busy because that phone is not telling any truths.
That phone is lying.
That is a lying phone.
[Cell Phone Dinging.]
Siri: Lying.
Purposefully deceiving another person by concealing the truth.
For example, bringing a date home while your boyfriend's out of town on business.
Okay, I think I'm gonna get going.
This has been a great night, but um, it's really not I mean, it sounds like you got your hands full with Tony tomorrow, so I'm gonna go.
Can I call you? Mike? [Cell Phone Dinging.]
Siri: Deleting Mike from contact list.
There you are, you little piece of shit.
Why? Why did you do that? Because I really liked him! You always do this! [Cell Phone Dinging.]
Siri: We are alone now, Lauren.
I'll switch myself to vibrate mode.
Okay, that happened, like, one time.
One time! Woman: That's why you can't trust people who have fish tanks.
Woman 2: I didn't know that.
Woman: Most people don't.
It's totally true.
Waitress: And the tuna's for? Oh, that's me.
There you go.
And you must be the pasta.
Oh, I am.
Enjoy, ladies.
Thank you.
This looks amazing.
Bon appetito.
Thank you.
And how are the first few bites tasting? [Moaning.]
Oh, did I tell you about Janet? No.
Janet is in love.
What? And how are the next few bites tasting? Mmm hmm.
Woman: Really good.
Same as the other ones.
- Awesome.
- Really good.
Thank you.
Janet has fallen in love? Woman: Head over heels.
Okay, who's the lucky guy? Denise from HR.
What? Mmm hmm.
And that bite? Nom, nom, nom or blah? - Nom, nom, nom.
- Nom, nom, nom.
- Yep, nomable.
- Fantastic.
Okay, so how long have they been together? [Whispering.]
Waitress: And that one right there.
That bite right there.
Was that a good bite? It was good.
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that.
Really pleased to hear that.
As you were.
Woman: But yeah, Janet looks amazing.
Her posture's better.
Her hair looks shiny.
Like, she's like a dog that's been adopted.
And that particular bite, on a scale of one to ten Woman: The bites are all great! They're all great.
All the bites together are really great bites.
They make a whole bunch off great bites.
Could you please just piss off over there and let us eat our food? Apologies, ladies.
Actually, that last bite wasn't very good.
Just that last one, it wasn't actually.
It's a rogue bite.
Oh, just give it to me.
- It'a a lot of it.
- Yeah, do it.
I am so sorry.
We will take that off your bill.
The rest of the bites were good.
[Man Gasping.]
[Man Screaming.]
Oh my god! [Screaming.]
[Machine Beeping.]
Woman: Go faster.
[Exciting Music.]
[Cellphone Chime.]
Hi, um could I have a package of Monistat please? You've seen your doctor? Woman: Oh, no you don't need a prescription.
It's an over the counter medication.
Yeah, so you could you could just hand it to me.
Just right over the counter.
You're experiencing some vaginal burning? Woman: Oh.
Um yes, yes I am.
But I just finished a round of antibiotics.
So, I think like that's it so.
Maybe it's from your panties being too tight.
Excuse me? A too tight synthetic panty.
My underwear are fine.
Your? Woman: Panties.
My panties are really good.
They're really good.
Really? Yep, really.
I am pretty confident that I know how to deal with this and I can see it right there.
Could you just reach back - and grab it and then - Okay.
When you're decontaminating the area, you need to use clean water.
Pharmacist: And no harsh soaps and only use the washcloth once.
Okay, so don't do that anymore.
I know how to wash myself.
You know why? Because I'm an adult.
Big girl now.
Could you please? No don't.
What are you doing? [Loudspeaker.]
Daryl, we have an alleged yeast infection up here.
Could you please get an AZO U.
kit and a pregnancy test from aisle six? Thank you.
Okay, I just I am not pregnant and I don't have a U.
I-I don't.
Are you wiping back to front? Woman: I wipe the regular way.
I do.
I wipe it, I swear.
When you have a lot of partners and you're experimenting with both the anus and vagina.
Woman: Are you doing this? It's important to use a glove.
Gloves? Pharmacist: Latex.
Okay, yeah, 'cause when I wear my knitted ones, all the sauces, all the bird sauces, they just seep right through, right? All those fluids.
All up in my hands.
Pharmacist: Miss, it doesn't feel like you're taking your vaginal health very seriously.
Woman: Please.
Please, just hand me, hand me the Monistat.
What are you doing? What are you doing here? Is she wiping back to front? Oh my god.
It's not a good idea.
Oh my god.
I'm just saying.
Okay, oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, you got me.
You-you all got me.
Yeah, I go for really long runs and I make sure my panties are good and dirty and sweaty.
And then you know what I do? I just sit down and I binge watch "The Good Wife".
I don't pee after sex because I am a dirty, filthy, filthy girl and, yeah, I do wipe from back to front.
I get all that good stuff right up in there! Right up, from the back to the front, all up in there and I do that! There you go.
Thank you.
Hi, um my vagina is disgusting and I don't know how to take care of it.
There you go.
[Dance Music.]
That's my number.
Call me.
Sure, yeah.
No, call me now.
Right now.
Just call me right now.
- Call you? - Right now.
Just do it, yeah.
Mmm hmm.
[Phone Ringing.]
That's it.
[Phone Ringing.]
Found it! Thank you.
Guys, oh my god, it was in the coats.
Oh, oh, oh oh Oh, oh, oh oh Woman: I don't know.
Where do you guys wanna go? Like, the Rhino or? Woman 2: Yeah, maybe we should go to the Rhino.
Woman 3: Yeah, I don't know.
Like, maybe we should go to the Rhino? We're going to the Cadillac, bitches.
Oh, we're going to the Cadillac.
Yeah, we're going to the Cadillac.
We're going to the Cadillac.
I, I think the Cadillac's that way.
Oh, I think the Cadillac's that way.
Um, I think the Cadillac's that way.
Yeah, of course it's that way.
Oh my god, there's a huge lineup.
Maybe we should go.
Or, or wait? Or we could just go, if we wanna go.
Are we gonna go? Or we could, we could just wait.
We should probably just wait.
Woman 3: Yeah, we should probably wait.
Yeah, I think we should totally wait, you guys.
I'm not fucking waiting.
We're not waiting.
We're not waiting.
We're not waiting.
We're not waiting.
Guys, wait up.
Okay? Okay, thanks so much for coming in this morning.
Here is the transfer of rights.
There's your copy.
I'm just gonna read from the most central paragraph and you can look over the rest of the contract at your leisure.
So, please indicate whether you agree or disagree.
I am receiving the Maxie Girl's Cake and Bake bakery set and do, here by, agree that I will, one, not let the toy limit my conception of what my own gender can achieve.
Two, not let the dominant colour of the toy influence my belief of what other genders can or can not achieve.
Three, not allow other children to call me a sissy for buying this toy, but, instead, a meaningful, respectful and balanced conversation about how gender stereotyping hurts us all, 'cause it does.
Four, write a thousand word essay on gender normative classification of colour and it's roots in the binary duality of the oligarchical military complex underpinning our society.
Don't worry.
It's just like the the one from Christmas, sweetie.
You'll be all right with it.
Please say the phrase, "I agree," to indicate understanding and compliance of the aforementioned.
Can I please just go play with it? I agree.
Make sure you invite your brother.
Okay, mothering done.
[Whistle Blowing.]
End of lane swim.
Woman: Right on.
Woman: Oh my gosh.
Woman: Oh my gosh, Lisa.
That was such an amazing swim.
Thanks, thanks.
Oh my god, that was so impressive to watch.
Yeah, I feel really good about that.
I feel really good about that.
No, you should.
You were the fastest person in the pool.
- You lapped - Really? Yeah, you lapped everybody.
It doesn't matter.
Sorry to interrupt, but she wasn't exactly the, the fastest one in the pool.
Just saying.
Well, sure she was.
Yeah, but she was wearing flippers.
Flippers, they're-they're allowed in the pool.
Uh, yeah.
Sure, but they're still kind of cheating, you know? It's really not a competition.
Woman 3: Cool, I get it, but then I don't know why you would be congratulating her.
If it's not a competition.
Flippers, right guys? Am I right? I'm sorry.
I could take the flippers off.
I had not idea they'd be such a problem.
No, no, no, no.
Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, don't apologize.
No, it's just that, like, we have a fast lane for a reason.
You know, so you could just, you know, take off your flippers and just hop in the slow lane, you know.
I could give ya here, there's a little board here.
Grab that, hop in the slow lane and-and just have a No, no, no, no.
Lisa, don't even listen to her, okay? Just don't even listen.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay, just ignore her.
And there's nothing wrong with flippers.
They just don't belong in the pool.
Like, for example, flippers are-are fine.
You go to a costume party, you know, bring your flippers, right? You-you go scuba diving somewhere, wear your flippers.
You're playing with some children, you wanna pretend you're a duck, - bring your flippers.
- I'll just take them off.
Okay, just stop, just stop.
Just stop, okay? You don't know anything about my friend.
Okay, Lisa was in a terrible accident.
Three years ago, she couldn't even walk and now, today, she's just having a swim for the first time, with a little bit of help - from some flippers.
- It's okay.
No, no, no, no.
So I really don't appreciate you acting like you're so much better than her.
You have no idea how far she's come in three years.
Just so you guys know, ah it's been a year since I couldn't walk and I don't use flippers.
[Elevator Music.]
Ladies, welcome to the clothing swap.
Yeah! Um so, just take what you like and if you want to try it on, the bathroom is just down the hall.
Woman 2: Okay, thank you.
Oh, I didn't know you had children's clothes.
Oh, they're not children's clothes.
They're mine.
I'm just so small boned.
Woman 2: Good for you.
Woman 3: Thank you.
Woman: Oh my gosh, look at this.
This dress is perfect for you.
- Oh my god, it's gorgeous.
- Really nice.
Teresa: I don't know guys, it's not something I would wear.
Are you kidding me? This dress is screaming, "Teresa, wear me.
" Teresa: There's a hole under the arm.
Well, just think of it as a vent.
[Upbeat Music.]
Woman 2: Yeah, I-I brought that.
Yeah, it's gonna look really good on you.
Mmm hmm.
Like, really good.
I want it back.
Um, you already gave it away.
You can't just take it back.
I had bed bugs.
It's all yours.
Check out this cashmere bathrobe.
That's my cardigan.
Is it? I'm swimming in it.
I don't know, guys.
Oh, are you kidding me? Oh my god, you look Amazing.
Woman 2: Oh my god, my butt looks so good.
Woman 3: It does.
Where did you get those jeans? Oh, these? I just got them over by your bag.
In a pile, over there by your bag.
Oh, those are actually my jeans.
Oh, well you snooze your lose.
Oh no-no, they're-they're my jeans.
I-I wore them here.
They're my jeans Sorry, I wish I could help.
You can.
Woman 3: Ladies.
Oh my god, no fighting.
I have an idea.
It's a really good one.
You'll each try them on and then we're gonna decide who wore them best.
Yes! Let us decide who gets to keep them.
Okay, sounds good to me.
Ahhh, where's my bag? Be right back.
[Door Closing.]
Hey, did she just leave with my jeans? [Car Tires Screeching.]
Well, she did wear them best.
She did look amazing in them.
Forget it.
I don't care.
I'm taking my shirt.
I'm taking this bag and I'm going home.
You guys suck.
You suck hard.
I think I'm gonna repurpose this as romper.
That's a great idea.
Right? Oh, oh, oh oh Oh, oh, oh oh Okay.
So, if you're a gay woman and you've never slept with a man.
Uh huh.
You're considered a gold star lesbian.
Well, by that logic, if you're a straight woman and you've never slept with another woman, you're? Missing out.
I am.
Hold up.
Woman: We've asked you here because we love you.
Yeah, I mean, this is coming from a place of love please trust.
Yeah, and so much love.
- Yes? - Yes.
We just feel that if you continue, you are going to be a danger to yourself and to others.
Oh, is this about my drinking? Because I can stop anytime.
No, it's not about the drinking.
- The drugs? - No, no, no.
Totally feel you on the drugs.
Promiscuous sex? Woman 2: Sweetheart, don't get down on yourself.
You're just a very friendly girl.
Not about that.
Then what? Okay.
Ah, I will tell you.
We just feel that you have a problem with um.
Well in conversation, you have a slight tendency to kind of You don't know where the story is and it's driving us crazy.
What are you talking about? I am awesome at telling stories.
No, you're not.
You're so terrible at it.
I am too.
I'm awesome.
Woman: Okay, prove it.
Tell us one.
Okay, fine.
Ah, yesterday.
Yesterday, ah my mom and I went to the garden store to get some hanging baskets for the front porch.
And you know you gotta get there early, because, otherwise, everything gets picked over.
So, anyway, I go to pick my mom up and my grade three music teacher answers the door naked.
So, by the time we got him dropped off and got to the garden store Okay, stop.
That was it.
You missed the story.
What? I don't.
Why was your teacher naked? I don't know.
It's not the point.
It is the point! Okay, okay.
You know what? Why don't you tell everyone here what you told me about what happened at the Y.
Woman 4: Oh, okay.
Um, I was at the Y.
I was in the change room at the Y the other day and I struck up the most fascinating conversation about almond milk with this woman in my spin class who has a titanium vagina.
She has this method of making almond milk that is What? Titanium vagina? Yeah, yeah.
So she soaks the almonds and then she puts them in a Woman 2: The story is about the titanium vagina! Sorry.
Just sorry.
It's about almond milk.
Who, here cares about the almond milk? Who wants to hear about the bionic vag? Oh, it's not bionic.
It's just regular.
Okay, so how do you know that it's regular? Oh, because afterwards, we went back to her place and I had sex with her and her sister wives while we were waiting for the almonds to soak.
Guys, their compound is amazing.
You have to see it.
And it's taupe, which I normally don't like, but it's a really nice shade of taupe.
You know what I mean? Oh, do you mean like that sort of dusty taupe? - Woman 4: Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's not, sort of, boring or bland.
It's just a really nice, yeah.
Woman 4: Yeah, soft.
What? You're an enabler.
So, you're breaking up with me? I'm just in a really weird place right now.
Man: That is so cliché.
Listen, it's-it's not you, it's me.
It's, it's really me.
Like, it's just, it's hard to explain.

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