Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s01e06 Episode Script


1 It's like, I just want to slap the ironic glasses right off his face, you know? Sister, I am so feeling you.
I know, he is literally the worst.
It's like there's Hitler, and then there's him in that order.
Oh my god, guys.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, can I just say to you that I love our stitching and bitching sessions? I know.
Right? Best part of the week.
Oh wait, guys? Should we be wearing our masks? Oh my god, I'm such an idiot.
I'm such a huge idiot.
I always forget.
Can you just help me with my hoops? Oh yeah.
There you go.
["Dancing Underwater" by Brave Shores playing.]
Me and my friends will spike the punch, Lovin' ourselves and causing fun Yeah, Hey Hey There's no clouds, there's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh Little To Catch a Purr is not a happy camper right now.
Mommies, any problems, concerns, any issues I should be aware of? Oh god.
Intimacy, communication, trust, usual.
Okay, she meant with the cat, not with us, so.
Woman: Oh, oh okay yeah right.
Uh, well, she seems withdrawn.
Okay, I am an introvert.
- We've talked about that.
- I meant the cat.
Oh, right, the yes.
Okay um, any changes to the diet? - We're gluten free.
- Yeah.
- I meant the cat.
- [Both.]
Oh, so did we.
Okay, and what about licking? Is there any excessive licking at home? - Yeah.
- No, I wish.
I meant with the cat.
Oh right.
Well actually, yes, yeah, there is.
There is, so.
Vet: Okay, and how about drinking, any problems there? - Yeah.
- No.
Two glasses of wine a night.
That's not a drink problem.
I don't know what you think about that.
Woman: When they're served in a mason jar, it is a problem.
That never happened.
Woman: Five ounces, five ounces is a serving.
It says so, it says so! Vet: Okay, you're upsetting the cat.
You know what, you're upsetting the cat.
So ah doc, what's next? What's next? Well, I don't know.
I mean, I've been a vet for a long time, you know? Maybe it's time to change it up.
Go back to school, get a degree, settle down.
Plant some roots, you know? See if we can make a baby.
Or not, you know, just go on my own.
Get my boots, you know? What's a gal to do? Do I study French or stay home and clean the apartment first? Go to the moon? Ah, that would be crazy.
So I was thinking, where it says "we love you mom"? It should be more like, "love you mom" you know? It's just-it's just, it's more hip, it's more fun.
It's more folksy, you know what I mean? So we can make that change, right? [Sighs.]
I-I don't hear any tapping.
Yeah, that's good.
Nice gift.
Yeah, well.
You know what it's about, don't you? What do you mean? Lisa has not picked a godmother for Ruby and I think she's gonna pick one of us, so.
- What? - Yeah.
Oh god.
No, I, I don't want to be a god, I don't want to be the godmother.
I'm-I'm not doing it.
Yeah, well me neither.
Like I hate kids, all of them, they're terrible and little, except for my own.
That one's okay.
Okay, well it's not me so it's gotta be you.
I'm so sorry, you take that.
Sorry over my dead body, it's not happening.
- Hi! - [Both.]
Hi! Two of my best friends, I'm so happy to see you! Listen, I'm so sorry.
Ruby just went down for a nap, so.
I'm so hungover, I'm so bleh.
Yeah, and I, I actually think I'm still drunk so I haven't even reached that point yet.
- I'm still - Really.
All right, well, I was wondering if Woman 2: Before you wonder, can I share with you the fact that I am getting into Scientology? Really? Woman 2: I don't know if you knew this, but they have some really good ideas about the soul.
Do they? Because I And I could tell Ruby about them if you would like.
Well maybe, before you talk to Ruby, can I just tell you something? I just have to stand, actually, because I have a rotten UTI happening right now and it really hurts and it's just from all the unprotected sex I've been having.
Woman 2: I think I hear my phone ringing.
I have a silent ringer, but I sense, ooh it is.
It's the bank.
They're calling probably because I owe thousands of dollars.
I am getting back into acid! Woman 2: And I, speaking of which, need to call my dealer.
Oh my god.
So, I also have to go because I have a court date.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, I have a really big problem.
Who should I make Ruby's godmother? Jill Kirchman, or my sister? [Both.]
Oh! You don't want to make it one of us? Good choices.
Good choices, both of those, Jill, and sister, are amazing choices.
I would never make it you guys.
Are you kidding? That would be insane! Well, I don't know if it would be insane.
Ill advised.
Woman: I think I was class treasurer.
Uh, I know how to brush hair and make it look really shiny.
I once mowed a lawn with just my teeth.
Woman: Yeah, so on my new diet I can't have white flour, sugar, rice, potatoes, eggs, dairy, uh processed food, or nitrate vegetables.
- Whoa, that's intense.
- Mmm hmm.
How do you stick to that? Oh you get unlimited masturbation.
- Oh.
- Mmm hmm.
[Pan Flute Music.]
Okay, is this massage ever going to start? Oh.
Put that away.
Oh yeah look at that.
She's got a wide load.
Yeah man, she does.
She's got like a lot of junk in that trunk.
Man, there's junk in that trunk.
There's so much junk.
It's a wide load, it's like.
In that trunk man.
Just put it all in there you know.
Just like weighing it down, man.
Just want to get down in there.
You got too much junk in that trunk, lady.
You guys want to help me with this? Yeah sure, no problem.
Ah, yeah, sure man.
I just got a ton of junk and my trunk can't handle it.
You just gotta ask for some help, man.
No problem at all.
Woman: Thanks so much.
Man: Happy to help, happy to help, man.
Oh yeah, some serious junk, man.
[Phone Chimes.]
What is this "LinkedUp!"? Are you on it? Oh, it's a social networking site uh for unemployed people.
Which I guess is kind of all social networking sites, but on this one you actually admit you're unemployed.
Woman: Oh.
[Phone Chimes.]
I don't even know this woman.
She-she installs windows? Why would she want to be connected to a writer? I don't know, maybe she wants you to write a hm, leaflet for her? I don't know, I got nothing.
[Eerie Music.]
[Phone Chimes.]
[Phone Chimes.]
[Phone Chimes.]
[Eerie Music.]
You Kelly Bond? Kelly: Yes? It's for you.
Kelly: Oh, thank you.
[Eerie Music.]
Kelly: Oh, oh god! Ugh.
[Wings Rustling.]
[Dramatic Music.]
[Suspenseful Music.]
Woman 3: Kelly Bond? Oh god, please no I don't-I don't want it.
I don't want it go and You've been served.
Really? Oh god, thank you! Thank you, thank you.
[Sighs Exasperatedly.]
Kelly: Leave me alone, Susie K.
! Leave me alone! Oh, geez! Ow.
No! No! Fine, I accept.
[Phone Chimes.]
What? Who the hell is Kelly B.
? She sounds like a dick.
Oh, oh, oh oh Oh, oh, oh oh Yeah yeah, but we're not talking about Levin and-and Goldberg here.
What we're getting at is-is Butler, right? And her sense of um, the sort of performativity of-of gender.
But she's not talking about performing ourselves, per se.
It's more about iterations.
Like within a construct of the gender binary.
Woman 4: Perpetuated by the patriarchal capitalist machine.
Woman 6: Hi, hey lover.
- Hi! - Oh, hi! Mwah! How's the gay book club going? Oh, it's, well it's not really a book club.
It's a queer theory reading group.
Woman 6: Oh, yes.
That's, yeah.
I know, yep.
Do you girls want a drink? What, it's not? It's not really girls.
It's not really girls.
Women, would you women like? It's not really women.
- You guys? - Not guys.
- You guys want, no? - Not guys.
You folks want a bite to eat, some food? I'm gonna go, me go for all of you, here I go.
Yeah, it's a new relationship.
She can't shake her essentialist view of gender.
Well who can? [Laughing.]
Right? What's so, what's so funny? What's so funny? Oh, um.
Woman 5: Just the notion that we don't write culture, we're written by it.
[Forced Laughter.]
Oh my god, that is hilarious! That's hilarious.
So funny.
Do you want a sandwich? Oh yeah, totally.
Thanks babe, thanks baby.
Did Deirdre just um? Infantilize her partner.
Woman 4: Did she? Did she? Did I? Or did I just unconsciously get caught in the ideological crush of the linguistic grid? Drop the mic! - Thank you.
- Boom.
But, Arthur might suggest that it was actually Rachel who answered the interpolating call of baby.
And Lisa Left Eye Lopes may suggest that the system got you victim to your own mind.
That's your right eye.
Woman 6: Gonna let you get back to your gay book club.
It's [All.]
Queer theory reading.
Woman: Okay.
We both bring different things to the relationship.
We do.
We do, we do, and I bring a little bit of junk in the trunk, huh? Don't I? Junk in the trunk, I'm bringing it.
Uh, you know what? I'm gonna give her a hand uh in the kitchen.
But not, not a literal hand, right? Woman 5: Hey.
It's um, it's a very fulfilling relationship.
It's very fulfilling.
Woman: Oh god you guys.
Do you ever have those days where you feel like everyone hates you? Hate's a strong word.
No, it's like, we really dislike you.
It's more like we're, I don't know, like deeply annoyed by you.
Yeah, like kind of frustrated by you.
- Exactly.
- Deeply frustrated.
Deeply frustrated, yeah.
We don't like, hate you.
No! - No, we don't hate you.
- No, no, god, no.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry you guys.
I wasn't listening.
What'd you say? [Sighs.]
Dog: I used to be a wolf.
Running free in the forest.
Ripping the flesh from the bones of my prey.
But now look at me.
Thank you, centuries of inbreeding.
I used to be a wolf.
I used to be a wooooolf! [Sighs.]
I heard it's somebody's birthday! Yes, oh my god, how sweet! Woman: Okay, now make a wish and then blow out the candle.
Okay um.
Got it.
Oh, hang on, hang on, um, sorry but isn't-isn't your birthday tomorrow? Ah yeah, but tomorrow's Saturday so we're.
Oh, okay.
So this is not your birthday today.
I mean, obviously, do what you want but uh technically, today isn't your birthday, right? Yeah, yeah.
Technically, you're right.
Okay, uh I just don't understand why you would have that cupcake, birthday cupcake then.
Sorry, just, it doesn't really make sense if it's not your birthday.
So here, why don't I just save you the trouble? Yeah.
Go like that, and now it's just a regular cupcake.
There you go, enjoy! There we go.
Woman 4: Hi! Hey I hear it's your birthday! Well it's actually, um tomorrow is her birthday.
Oh, okay.
Are you doing something special tonight? Woman 3: Why would she do something special tonight? 'Cause.
It's not her birthday.
Woman: Hey, it's one day away! Yeah, but we-we don't celebrate, you know, New Year's Eve on New Year's Day, do we? Why do you care so much? Woman 3: Oh, it's totally fine.
I'm just saying like if we're celebrating birthdays and we're not getting specific about the day, then why don't we just celebrate birthdays in general? You know, let's hey everyone, have a birthday.
Hey, yeah? Happy birthday! Let's all have some cake.
Hey everyone, ooh, is it my birthday? I have a birthday in February, but it's as good as now.
Why not, you know what? All is fair, right? Happy birthday everybody! Mm, oh it's good.
Mhm, oh yeah, I love your cake.
Woman 2: Oh my god.
I got exactly what I wished for! Oh that's amazing! Yeah! Happy birthday.
I see here that you've been on these for quite a while.
I should warn you that sleeping pills are really addictive.
Yeah, that's why I'm back.
Pharmacist: Well as long as you know.
[Cheering, Applause.]
Instructor: Good work, Amy! Just get into that pole and get it all on there.
Woman: That was so hot! Instructor: What's wrong with our moody little bride back there, hiding? Oh.
Come on, all of your ladies got their hot junk up on the pole, what's the problem? Well, okay.
It's just um, it's really dirty.
Woman: Come on! No for real it's just, listen.
I'm serious, guys.
It is really dirty.
I am like the ninth lady to go on the pole.
I have yet to see a wipe.
I'm just gonna step back.
I'm having a great time, thank you for this.
Keep it up, keep it up.
Instructor: I'm hearing a lot of uh uh uh when I should be hearing Marjorie, Marjorie! [All chanting Marjorie.]
- Okay.
- Marjorie, Marjorie, Marjorie! Woman 2: Okay Marjorie, get dirty! Okay.
Instructor: Five, six, a five six seven eight.
My fire is flame my my my fire is flame My fire is flame my my my fire is flame My fire is flame my my my fire is flame My fire is flame my my my fire is flame You told me you too cute to spit but my fire is flame I'm on the grind for my dollars don't give me no change If you ain't giving I'm a take it, I'm breaking the bank It's comatose but my flow gonna shake 'em awake I be calculating these making me they line They be talking 'bout names and numbers I'm talking 'bout dollar signs Checking these fools minds usually like I'm lightskinned But now he want the chocolate girl again and again He told his homeboys about me they asking 'bout friends Man these bitches can't see me Might as well get 'em a lens They be taking offence They be making amends Since they can't be they wanna join 'Cause they know I'm a win But I don't give a damn about my Benjamins Whip that whip they got them dividends Well if you got it come holler 'Cause in the streets I'mma beast And if you got the right package in the bed I'm a freak My fire is flame [Squeaking.]
Clean is the new dirty, bitch.
Oh, oh, oh oh Oh, oh, oh oh Woman: Wow, I love these.
Woman 2: Yeah, they look great.
Woman: They fit so, I don't know.
Like I feel really me.
I love those.
- Where'd you get those? - Oh, I imported them from Egypt.
They're-they're called the Cameltoe.
- Cameltoe? - Yeah.
- I love them.
- I love them, oh my gosh.
- Just, Cameltoe.
- Yeah, Cameltoe.
- Cameltoe.
- Cameltoe, yeah.
[Upbeat Music.]
Hi guys.
Oh, hi Sandy, great to have you back.
Hello, we've got the client here with us today.
Marissa, Sandy.
So we're just going to do the 30 second Tamplex commercial.
The script should be right there for you for the commercial.
- See it here.
- Okay, fantastic.
Anytime you're ready, Sandy.
Ladies, when it's that time of the month, you need comfort.
Okay yeah hold up, Sandy, hold up.
That's the old script.
There's a new script there, new direction.
- Got it.
- Fantastic, thanks so much.
Anytime you're ready.
You work hard, you play hard No, sorry, hold up again.
Sorry, we uh we want a different feel for this commercial so can you um, can you give us your deep authoritative voice? Yeah, thank you.
You work hard, you play hard, you bleed hard.
Bleed hard? Yeah, you bleed hard, keep going, yep.
You need a tampon that can withstand a bloodbath! [Splashing.]
Introducing the new Mach 7 X150 G85 tampon.
The first and only tampon with a high strength titanium military grade absorbency.
With one hundred patents, it's the most bloodthirsty tampon on the planet, ready to catch whatever your uterus unleashes.
Be the hard leader you were meant to be.
This ain't your mama's gobstopper.
You deserve the biggest, baddest tampon around.
The Mach 7 X150 G85 tampon, because you're awesome! [Echoing.]
Yeah, great one Sandy, love it, fantastic! This is going to be the "Saving Private Ryan" of tampon commercials.
Woman: Come on, big boy.
Why don't you come with me 'cause I am going to ride you all night long.
Woman: Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Woo, woo! I got some! [Screaming.]

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